Virtually every aspect of our lives involves loss of some
kind. And there will be varying degrees of grief associated with that loss.
I have had many clients come to see me about their loss and
tell me they don’t have the right to grieve because someone they know is doing
it so much harder with their type of loss. My answer is always to say that
their grief is genuine and needs to be addressed. They have a right to grieve.
Loss can be the loss of a precious object.
It can involve burglary.
It can be losing your house.
It can be moving to a new area or country.
It can be losing a job.
It can involve losing a body part, or losing the use of a
It can be the end of a relationship.
It can be any number of things.
Whatever matters to you that you no longer have is a loss.
The pain around those losses is genuine and you have the
right to be upset about it.
You may also need to talk to a counsellor about your loss
and its impact on you.
When we feel stress in our bodies,
our bodies react as thought we are in danger. This is where the stress response,
when not based on actual physical threat, can be dangerous. It unleashes mechanisms
designed to get us physically away from danger but does not give us the ability
to actually get away from a danger that is not necessarily physical. Our bodies
cannot distinguish a physical threat to our life from an event that causes us
stress. So we react with body responses that are designed to get us away from
danger. For most of us, we don’t recognise stress as causing that danger
response, therefore we don’t take measures to attend to the response and allow
our bodies to return to normal. The impact is harm to our bodies through not
being able to complete our defensive responses properly and a lowered ability
to cope with life events.
There is a lot written about the
different mechanisms we have for reacting to a stressful event. The first two
are the best known. Flight or fight. Less well known is the freeze response,
where we just remain on the spot and are unable to do anything. A more recently
identified as a defence response is the fawn response. This is where we respond
to the stress by trying to please the other person.
It is the fawn response that I am
talking about today.
This response has often been
described as people pleasing. It is where a person changes their behaviour to not
cause offence to others. People pleasing has been known about for a long time,
but it is only just being accepted as a danger response.
This response involves:
Worrying about saying the wrong
Worrying about annoying another
Worrying about not being liked by
These worries often lead to a person
behaving in a way that encourages others to like them. If the person feels they
have said the wrong thing, they may continually talk about what they think they
said wrong, or talk about the opposite of what they said, or seek contact with
the other person as reassurance they will not be rejected.
If the person is worried about
annoying the other person, they may also seek contact with the person and seek
to say and do things they think the other person will approve of. Again, they
are seeking reassurance they will not be rejected.
If the person is worried about not
being liked they may again seek to behave in ways they think the other person
will approve of. They may say or do things they think the other person will
like. They may try to do things for the other person. They may agree with
things the other person says and does, even if they are contrary to the
individual’s values. It is all about needing the reassurance of not being
This response is grounded in childhood.
A child needs to be accepted by its carers in order to survive. The child who
is rejected by its carers and not cared for will die. This is how we are
programmed and the basis of a child’s attachment to its parents. It is about
survival. Human babies are dependent on their parents for survival so a child will
do many things to ensure its survival.
This behaviour can be very annoying
to other people and can actually lead to the person being rejected as they
feared. It can also lead to the person being taken advantage of by the other
person. All these responses by the other person are unpleasant and frightening
for the person. This behaviour can cause a lot of fear, shame, rejection and upset
for the person.
It is difficult, but not impossible,
for a person to unlearn this behaviour. The first thing they need to do is to understand
where the behaviour has come from and heal that. This is not an instant thing.
It can take time. There are many ways a counsellor can work with someone to
help them learn to not see possible rejection as a threat to the adult. As a trauma
trained counsellor, I have many different approaches that I use to help my
clients learn more helpful responses to life events. If you would like
assistance, you can make a face to face or skype appointment with me by
contacting me on 0409306608 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
One issue that comes up fairly often for people who have
lost their partner is the loneliness and how it can still be present so long after
the death of their partner.
For many people who express this as an issue, there is a
reason. For many, their partner died when their children were still living at home
and the loneliness did not hit until the children left home. For others, financial
considerations often lead to them sharing a house with other people. Then some
day finances allow them to be on their own.
For all these people loneliness hits when the people they
have been living in a house with have gone.
What happens for them is the usual impact of the empty nest combined
with the grief over the loss of their partner. The combination of the two
events: a twist of loss; and the exit from the house of other people. Suddenly
a grief that they may have felt they were adjusted to is back.
The reality is every change in life is going to have the twist
of loss added to it. What for many is a normal moving on of family members
becomes another reminder of the loss of partner. Everything in life has that
impact. Be it moving house, retiring, living on your own. All will need the
normal adjustment plus the adjustment of grief.
It is not easy to feel this loneliness. There is no shortcut
to take away the pain. Talking about it can help. What ultimately will lead the
way forward is an acknowledgement of the pain. “Ouch this hurts”. And giving
permission to feel the pain. In time, just as with every other aspect of this grief,
you will learn how to fit it into your life.
It can be helpful to talk to a counsellor about it. Sometimes
sharing with someone who is less caught up in the grief can be helpful. But
remember. There is no magic wand. The pain of loss hurts.
For many people with trauma histories, change is difficult. And that is understandable. Changing those thoughts and protective behaviours feels essential but also on a deeper level, like a betrayal. Letting go of protective behaviours can leave you vulnerable to those trauma’s repeating themselves. Letting go of anger at the perpetrator can feel like approving of their behaviour. There are many more thoughts and protective behaviours that are hard to let go of. So often in therapy, a trauma survivor is asked to give up those behaviours and thoughts. But that isn’t what I do. I work with people to identify all the thoughts and behaviours and understand their purpose. Then the person I am working with identifies how much of that thought or behaviour they want to change and we work on that. It is always important to remember that the things we think and the ways we protect ourselves are not defective. They have been important tools in our survival thus far. Sometimes those tools need repurposing to allow us to move forward in life. Here’s to a successful repurposing.
One of the most difficult things people report feeling about the loss of someone is living with what life is like now. What is difficult to accept is the present.
The present without that person you love.
The present on your own.
The present with changed dynamics in your social networks.
This is particularly noticeable when you love your partner. How do you do the
single person amongst the couples? It can happen when you have lost a child as
well, particularly if your social networks are families and you are the one with
the missing child.
One thing I encourage people who are dealing with loss – whether
it is the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of home or
job or country, the loss of a limb and so on – is to acknowledge what has
Acknowledging is not going to make things instantly better. But
it is important to do. Even when the thing that has ended is something you
wanted, there is still loss and it is still important to honour what was and is
Without that step of acknowledgement and honouring the loss,
it is virtually impossible to move on.
Acknowledging helps to deal with any guilt you may be feeling.
It helps to deal with any anger you feel. It helps to feel with confusion, devastation,
loneliness and the myriad issues loss bring up for you to deal with.
Without acknowledgement of the loss many issues cannot be acknowledged
either. When those issues cannot be acknowledged they cannot be dealt with and
healed. Without healing those things continue to eat away at you, keeping you
trapped in a cycle of grieving and never able to move forward.
It is frightening to admit many of those feelings. But acknowledging
the loss and acknowledging those feelings is important. It is not dishonouring
what is lost. Rather it is honouring you and your path forward in life.
No loss is without regret, pain and a multitude of emotions.
Allow yourself to acknowledge them and move forward. It is
often best to acknowledge these emotions with an impartial witness. This is
where I can help you. I can witness what you need to share with compassion and
acceptance. And I can help you to understand how usual many of your feelings
are. I can help you to acknowledge and let go of feelings that don’t belong in
your journey and hold on to what is important around your loss.
“Why is it I always seek to understand others when they are rude to me but I don’t get the same consideration? It’s not fair!”
Ilse slumped down in the chair, tears of frustration mixed
with sorrow coursing down her cheeks. She had come to see me because, at the
end of a distressing week she had snapped at her sister-in-law’s unreasonable
demand. Now she was the pariah of the family.
Her sister-in-law was always rude and demanding and normally
she forgave her because she could understand the need behind the rudeness. She
had spoken to this woman in calm times and told her how her words hurt. She had
asked her not to speak to her like that again. Her sister-in-law didn’t
acknowledge her behaviour was bad and she didn’t apologise for the hurt she
caused. Other members of the family agreed with Ilse that the sister-in-law
behaved badly. So why was it that she was being treated like a terrible person
because she had snapped at her? She had had a terrible week. Her best friend
died of cancer on Tuesday and on Friday her husband received a cancer
diagnosis. Friday evening her sister-in-law had berated her for not ordering
the serviettes for her parent’s wedding anniversary celebration in two months.
Ilse had snapped at her.
To her horror, she was berated by other family members for
her response. What she wanted was understanding and compassion and her family
gave her none. This is why she came to see me.
Maybe you can relate to Ilse’s experience.
When you are hurting and needing support, who do you turn
to? People often turn to family and friends. But what if they aren’t available,
or they are the problem?
This is where a visit to a counsellor can be really helpful.
Ilse came to see me and was able to be heard, to feel understand, and to receive
compassion. She was able to find a safe place to express all the pain, fear and
helplessness she was feeling. In the session she was able to discover how to
move forward. How to cope with the stresses in her life. How to sit with the
hurt she was feeling.
Do you need understanding and compassion? Maybe I can help
If you would like to sit in a safe place where you can be
heard and receive compassion then ring 0409396608 for an appointment.
“When you survive loss … everyone is
so quick to tell you how strong you are. And how tough you must be. But
actually, no one has a choice to survive grief … do they? It’s not optional.
You just have to cry in the shower, sob into a pillow, and pray you make it.”
I find this quote so powerful. It is
Survival is about resilience. Our
resilience is what allows us to muddle through and somehow survive the
unthinkable. On more than one occasion I have heard a client complain about
being constantly told “you are so strong” when they don’t feel it. For other
people watching, and imagining what it would be like to experience such a loss,
it does feel like superhuman strength to survive.
If you are surviving loss take a
moment to stop and think. Realise you have strength you didn’t realise you had.
You may feel like a total mess, but you are getting through most days and that
is an amazing achievement given what you are going through. You have what it
takes to survive this. You may not particularly want to survive this, but you
will. As the quote says “no one has a choice to survive grief … It’s not
This quote reminds us that surviving
grief is not optional. We have to do it. And we largely do it alone. Few people
have the stamina to see another person through all the ups and down of acute
Consequently, much grief is
And it is lonely.
Grief disconnects you from all
others, even those close to you who may be grieving too.
Every grief is unique, even when it
is for the same person.
Inevitably you are alone.
But the good thing is, no matter how
hard and awful it is, you do survive.