How to survive setting boundaries

This does not mean you should not set boundaries. This is why it IS important to set boundaries. What it means is that you should set boundaries and learn strategies to appropriately handle any kick back that occurs.

I will give you an example.

Joanne had two dogs she took regularly to a groomer. The dogs were coming up due for a groom so Joanne rang her groomer to organise an appointment and was directed to voicemail and left a message. There was no response. Joanne was used to this, the groomer was not good at returning calls. She rang again a week later, and again a week later. Finally she visited the groomer in person. As soon as she walked in the door, the groomer said she was all booked out for two months.

Joanne was annoyed at this, but felt she needed time to think about an appropriate response, rather than snap at the groomer in anger.

After a few hours, Joanne was ready to discuss this with her groomer. She rang and no surprises it was voice mail again. So Joanne left her message in a calm, friendly but matter of fact voice. She said she accepted that groomers are busy in summer but she had spent two weeks ringing her. Instead of looking for another groomer, she had persevered out of loyalty to the groomer. She was disappointed the groomer had not rung back or even sent a text message. She explained she had not spoken when she came into the shop because she needed time to think. Her issue was not the groomer’s availability, but the fact she had not responded to the initial call and Joanne had spent two weeks trying to make an appointment. She had made the decision she would not come to that groomer anymore because of this.

The next day she received a phone call from the groomer. The groomer pretended she had missed a call but no message had been left. Joanne started to give the groomer the message. The groomer jumped in and started abusing Joanne. Whereas Joanne’s issue had been only about the fact the groomer had not returned her call. The groomer just sent out a spray of anger. She accused Joanne of making appointments at the wrong time, of having vicious dogs. It was an uncontrolled reaction which left Joanne determined she would never recommend that groomer to anyone else.

Joanne found herself starting to get caught up in this woman’s accusations then suddenly remembered. These accusations were “red herrings”. They had nothing to do with Joanne’s issue, which was that the groomer did not return her call. She realised the woman was going to keep her abuse going, so she said nothing and quietly hung up. She knew the woman was in the wrong, but her anger hurt. So Joanne and I unpacked it together.

Joanne’s first reaction was to kick herself for not realising immediately this woman’s abuse was red herrings.

What is a red herring?

It is a term often used in discussing communication, especially conflict resolution. When someone doesn’t want to address the issue being discussed they will throw in other things to try to distract the other person from discussing the issue.

In this case, Joanne was happy to discuss the fact the groomer had not returned her calls. She had no other issues. The groomer felt guilty and shamed by the fact she had failed to return calls to a loyal customer. She felt uncomfortable and did not know how to deal with that discomfort. So she threw red herrings into the mix to try to draw Joanne into a fight with her. I congratulated Joanne on her self control in realising what was happening and quietly hanging up.

Why is it important to quietly hang up? If you slam the phone down it sends a message you are angry. If you quietly hang up, the message is you have made a choice to walk away.

It is easy to fall for red herrings, which is why it is important to remain calm and focused on the issue. If possible you can say this is not the issue we are discussing. It is unlikely that you will be able to do that so the best response is to just hang up.

Yes the other person may say they won the argument because you hung up. Let them. They know they actually have lost the argument because you walked away from their fight and did not give them the satisfaction of getting angry back and saying things in anger.

A good way to describe what happened is to use a counselling theory and method that was very popular in the 1970s. it is still referred to in communication training. It is called Transactional Analysis.

Very briefly, in transactional analysis people are referred to as having three approaches to others in a conversation. It may be one of mutual respect referred to as I’m OK, You’re OK. It may be one of lack of respect for other, referred to as I’m OK, You’re not OK. Or it may be one of lack of respect for self. I am not OK, You’re OK. The conversation with Joanne and her Groomer was one where Joanne respected herself and the groomer, but the groomer did not respect Joanne.

Another aspect of Transactional Analysis is that we communicate to others from different aspects of ourself. We can be the Adult (I’m OK, You’re OK), The parent or the child. The child can be subservient or rebellious. The subservient child doesn’t think they are OK and will acquiesce. The rebellious child doesn’t think you are OK and will try to bring you down to their level so they can win the fight.

Joanne was the adult with the groomer. But the groomer was not being an adult. She was being a rebellious child and was trying to bring Joanne down to her level. You can’t have a discussion with someone who is trying that. So Joanne’s response to hang up was the correct one.

Maybe you are thinking that it is not worth setting boundaries? What does it do to you if you allow people to do what they want to you? To come into your house and help themselves to your things. To talk about your deepest secrets to other people. To expect you to stop what you are doing to do what they want? To feel worthless and unsafe because you never feel you are in control of your life.

People aren’t always going to try to punish you when you set a boundary. Healthy people accept boundaries and will also set boundaries with you. As for those who kick back the first time you set a boundary. They will think twice about crossing boundaries with you in the future. And if they want to create a hostile situation with you, yeah that hurts, but they would have done it anyway.

It is important to explore what is happening for you when there is unpleasantness about setting boundaries.

You have the right to feel upset at the other person’s lack of respect.

After the groomer sprayed her negativity at Joanne, she determined she was not going to allow it to stick. She stated to herself that the situation was unpleasant. She had a good physical shake to shake off the negativity the groomer had thrown at her. She put her hands on her heart and comforted the part inside that was upset.

At times, when the negativity of the groomer came up, she put her hands on her heart and asked herself what was hurting. She took those answers and explored them in our counselling session.

She expressed gratitude at realising she needed to make the decision to stop using that groomer.

She was grateful she had not reacted to the groomer and got into a fight with her.

She was grateful she had communicated as a healthy adult.

She was grateful for all the people in her life who were healthy adults and would not behave like the groomer.

By the time she finished being grateful she had let go of the hurt from the groomer.

If you grew up in a family where you were not allowed to set boundaries then setting boundaries is difficult. It takes time to learn how to do it. I often work with people who are trying to learn their boundaries and how to set them.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with you learning to set boundaries, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Ways to say Goodbye to your loved one

A client’s painting of their grandmother

In these times of COVID, there is a strong chance that if you lost a loved one you were unable to say goodbye to them or attend their funeral.
It is so important to be able to say goodbye, if not to them in person then at their funeral.
How do you do that when you were not able to say goodbye to your loved one before they died, or say goodbye by attending their funeral?
A lot of pain results from not feeling able to say goodbye to a loved one. There are often things you wanted to say to your loved one.
There are a number of things you can do to say your goodbyes.
• You can hold a small ceremony with people who knew your loved one.
• You can arrange a get together of people who knew your loved one and share stories and memories about your loved one.
• You can write a letter and post it. Australia Post report that one of the most common letters that ends up in the dead letter office is a letter to a deceased loved one.
• You can write a letter, read it aloud, say goodbye and keep the letter in a special place.
• You can visit a place that was special to your loved one.
• If possible, you can visit the place they last lived.
• You can light a special candle to your loved one at times that are important to you.
• You can make an art work, maybe a painting, a clay piece, or a poem to represent what they were to you. It doesn’t have to be beautiful. It just needs to express something that is meaningful about your loved one. One young woman wrote this haiku about her grandfather:
Dark stocky and small man
Full of Celtic mystical thought yet practical
You were my wonderful grandfather

• You can find an object, whether you buy it, or find it, for example a shell or rock on the beach. That object will be one that represents in some way your loved one. One woman bought stamps of flowers her mother had loved. Every time she posted a letter she felt she was honouring her mother. Another woman found a beautiful amethyst heart in a shop. Her mother loved amethysts and for her the heart was a reminder of her love for her mother and her mother’s love for her. A man took the wood from a tree the mother had loved after it fell down. He arranged for the wood to be turned into wooden bowls he distributed to family members.
• You can start a memory box of all the memories you consider important. Make sure you visit it from time to time. It is not intended to be a time capsule. One family have a cupboard they put their memories in. They add to it periodically and visit it often.
• You can honour that loved one’s birthday by planning a special outing. One family planned a birthday party for their child on their birthday. The party was themed at the age they would have turned that year. Another family visited their father’s grave on what would have been his 100th birthday to acknowledge his place in their lives.
• You can include a place at the dinner table at Christmas Time, and other important family events, to remind yourself and honour their presence in your family.
All these things help you in understanding and finding meaning in your loved one’s death. Remember finding meaning does not mean knowing why they died, it means finding a reflection of the love you have for them. Finding meaning takes time. I will talk more about meaning in another blog.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and saying goodbye, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

7 ways to avoid fast forwarding through your pain

There are very few, if any, people in this world who like difficulties. Given the choice, most people would opt for the pleasant, easy path.

Often, when a person is confronted with a difficult circumstance, the temptation is to avoid the pain. This is what some refer to as fast forwarding through the pain.

We may deny the difficulty is happening.

We may engage in escapist behaviours.

We may self medicate with alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, eating, shopping, and so on.

The problem with this is that these behaviours do not make the pain go away. They do not solve the problem.

In fact, they prolong the pain and can even make our difficulties worse.
It is in difficult times that we can learn things about ourselves and the life we lead.

The lessons we learn in difficult times are not easy, but we learn and grow by working through them.

It is only by facing our pain that we can resolve it. The more open we are to working through the discomfort and pain, the more quickly we will resolve the difficulties and be able to move forward in life.

So it could be said that trying to fast forward through our pain only results in slamming on the breaks and pausing the resolution of the pain.

The following are the steps to follow in working through your pain.

  1. Acknowledge how much it hurts and have compassion for yourself. Try placing your hand over your heart and allowing yourself to experience the pain. Then say “ouch that hurts”.
  2. Remember that you are not alone in experiencing pain, and that it is normal to want to avoid it.
  3. Resolve to sit with the pain.
  4. Pay attention to what is happening in your body and your thoughts. Decide to be courageous and face what is happening so that you can grow and learn.
  5. Look for what is in the situation. Identify the bits that hurt and explore them. are there any messages in the pain? Is there anything that you find particularly difficult?
  6. Know that as you explore the pain, and work through the things you discover in it, your pain will ease. Finding meaning in your suffering is essential to recovering effectively.
  7. Allow yourself time to feel hurt, and time to reflect on what you have learned. Allow time to celebrate your new learning,

    If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with resolving your difficulties, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

    If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Grief triggers that bring back all the pain

My grandfather died a long time ago. I wasn’t yet 20.

I thought I was finished with all the sadness of my grandfather’s death.

Many years later I was undertaking more study. One brilliant man in the field of my study had written many papers and books. His photo, usually on the fly leaf or the back cover, reminded me of my grandfather.

This man died. I never met him, only heard his voice in recordings and read his words. But when I heard he had died I cried inconsolably for some time.

It wasn’t him I was crying for. It was my grandfather.

Years after he had died, I was still grieving.

The reminder of him in this man was enough to bring up the fresh pain of his death.

A friend lost her husband very young to an accident.

Years after his death she heard of another husband to someone she didn’t know dying in similar circumstances.

That reminder was enough to bring up the fresh pain of her husband’s death all those years ago.

Another friend lost a child many years ago.

The death of another person’s child was enough to bring up for her the fresh pain of her own child’s death.

These triggers are everywhere.

They come up without warning, smashing through all those coping skills you have learned over the years.

It is like you have been torn up at the roots and your roots are exposed and vulnerable.

You find yourself reliving the pain. Reliving the grief.

Grieving is never really over and that is okay.

It is not pleasant when those triggers bring it all back up again.

The best you can do is give yourself permission to feel the pain.

Be kind to yourself.

Take time out if you need to.

Reach out to someone you trust for support.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and the triggers that bring all the pain back, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

How to prevent positivity from being toxic.

Lately a lot of attention being given to manifesting positivity.

This is causing some disquiet in the counselling world and has raised the question about the dangers of positivity.

So is positivity toxic?

The answer? That depends.

Positivity can be very positive and a great force for change.

On the flip side, positivity can also be very toxic.

So how do you know which positivity is positive and which is toxic?

Toxic positivity denies negative feelings. In the face of a terrible set back, positive psychology involves denying any sadness or upset about what has happened.

Toxic positivity will say “don’t think about it, stay positive”.

It will say “don’t worry. Be happy”.

It will say you cannot fail, that is just not an option.

It will not allow any voicing of what is perceived as negative.

It will refuse to allow space for you to feel hurt.

The toxically positive person will shut down other people when they try to express hurt.

Good positivity acknowledges the bad things that happen and allows for the bad and good feelings around that to be expressed.

It does not seek to deny the bad.

Good positivity will place their hand on their heart and say “ouch, that hurts” and offer comfort to themself.

Good positivity will be honest about their feelings.

What good positivity does, when the person is ready, is allow them to look at what has happened from a different perspective.

Here is an example.

Jill was conditioned early in life by her abusive parents and controlling mother to people please. To earn the approval necessary to feel that her mother would not throw her out of the house, she had to dance to the obscure commands of her mother. If she did the right thing, she earned brief words of approval and for a short while felt safe. Jill learned to move through life doing things to get approval. Sometimes the things she went along with did not match where she wanted to be. These made her feel worthless and ashamed.

At one stage, Jill moved into a new house. She wanted to have friendly neighbours. She had never enjoyed good relationships with neighbours. No matter how hard she tried, her neighbours always ended up being not very nice people. Jill believed it was her fault, despite other people also finding her neighbours not very nice people.

In the new house Jill ignored the nasty things her neighbours were saying about her as she climbed a ladder to fix the roof. She was determined to be friends with her neighbours.

At first everything seemed good. They appeared friendly, and she made promising connections with two other sets of neighbours this couple were friends with.

She ignored the nasty comments the neighbours continued to make, mocking things she and her family were doing.

Then one day the woman next door picked a fight with Jill and the friendliness was over.

Jill was devastated. She tried to talk to the neighbour, but the neighbour avoided her. Instead she heard her neighbour telling her husband and the two other neighbours lies about Jill and what had actually happened.

Jill was incredibly hurt. She felt terribly unsafe.

She spent a lot of time telling her head all the truths about these neighbours, while her brain’s defence mechanisms were telling her she was not safe.

All the conscious logic in the world is powerless against the powerful subconscious neural circuits in our brains and Jill’s neural circuits were firing danger signals.

For two years Jill took one day at a time, determined to find the source of gratitude in the nastiness. She kept chipping away at the hurtful things that were happening by acknowledging them and looking at the good things that were happening.

Her neighbour might have had friends over and told them in a loud voice so Jill could hear, how awful her neighbour was. Ouch, that hurt.

Then Jill went for a walk and another neighbour in the street stopped and had a lovely conversation with her. That was lovely. Put that one in the gratitude diary – “I am grateful that my other neighbours are lovely and friendly”.

One day she realised how little this woman mattered.

She was able to understand that she didn’t want to be friends with this woman and the two other sets of neighbours. They were totally different to her and she didn’t do the social things they did.

Jill also realised the woman next door was mentally unwell. She used controlling behaviours, much as Jill’s mother had, to manipulate her environment to make herself feel safe.

Jill realised that to remain friends with this woman she had to pretend to be someone else. She could not be herself with this woman. The woman had picked a fight with her because the woman wanted to control Jill and make Jill be someone Jill was not.

Jill realised that if she had remained friends with this woman she would have continued people pleasing and would now be in a terrible mess.

Jill knew this falling out allowed her to be able to focus on what she wanted to do in life, not what others thought she should do.

Jill’s positive approach to what had happened was that the end of the friendship freed her to be herself. She was very grateful for this. Rather than seeing her neighbour’s nastiness as something devastating and shaming, she saw it as opening a door for her to be herself.

It took her two years to get there, but she had been able to reach that point by choosing to see the positives, once she had acknowledged the hurt.

It doesn’t often take us years to see the things that happen to us from a different perspective. Mostly, once we have acknowledged and soothed the hurt around the thing we are able to see the positives and be grateful.

To do that it is vital you are honest with yourself.

Acknowledge the hurt.

Express the hurt and provide comfort.

When you are ready, you will be able to see things to be grateful for despite what has happened.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with moving through the hurtful things in life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz