Month: December 2020

As we go about our days, our brains are working hard keeping us moving. There is so much our brains need to do that in the interests of survival, much of what our brains do is below our conscious control. Neuroscientists have estimated that up to 95% of our behaviour is unconscious. That means we automatically do those behaviours without choosing to do them.

The result of all this efficiency is that we can set an intention to change a behaviour, but our brains can undermine that with unconscious behaviours.

It is important to remember that this works with behaviours that are not related to trauma. It can help with those trauma behaviours in conjunction with counselling to attend to any trauma that is still impacting your life.

SO HOW DO WE GAIN THE CONTROL NEEDED TO CHANGE BEHAVIOURS?

We need to slow our brains down enough to recognise when we are starting to trigger the unconscious behaviour and act to stop that happening and allow our conscious brain to take over some of the work. This allows us to follow through on our intentions and make decisions about how we will act.

To do that, we need to practice. The more we practice, the more likely it is that we can control some of those impulses we don’t want to act on. When that happens we will build new neural pathways that build new behaviours. But this takes time.

SO HOW DO WE SLOW OUR BRAINS DOWN TO GIVE OURSELVES THE TIME TO BUILD THOSE NEW BEHAVIOURS?

Mindfulness. Mindfulness allows our brains to slow down. Mindfulness builds awareness of our thoughts and behaviours. Mindfulness installs traffic calming devices in our brains to slow down those rapid thoughts and behaviours. Mindfulness also clears the paths through the more intentional, slower brain processing to allow thoughts and behaviours to travel along those slower pathways.

SO HOW DO YOU ACTIVATE MINDFULNESS IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY DAY?

By practicing every day with the addition of small mindfulness pauses throughout the day, especially when you feel your brain is racing out of control.

How do you remember to practice mindful pauses?

1. You may have a favourite chair you like to practice mindfulness in. Leave it somewhere where you will have to move around it. Use that slowing down to get around the chair as a reminder to sit in the chair and practice mindfulness.
2. Use mindful eating so that meal times become an opportunity to practice mindfulness.
3. Put notes up to remind you to pause and practice. Change the notes every few days to a week so you don’t get familiar with them.
4. Set trigger points in various places. For example,
   1. if you get up set that as a reminder to take a short pause and have a slow in breath and out breath and set the intention to be mindful.
   1. If the phone rings, set that as a reminder to take a short pause and have a slow in breath and out breath and set the intention to be mindful.
   1. If you need to go to the bathroom, set that as a reminder to take a short pause and have a slow in breath and out breath and set the intention to be mindful.

You can think up other ways to take that short pause.

The great thing about this is that once you make these short pauses a habit, you will always associate those actions with that mindful pause. So you are well on your way to slowing down your brain and being more in control of your behaviour.

IF YOU HAVE SUFFERED TRAUMA THAT IMPACTS ON YOUR BEHAVIOURS IT IS BEST TO SEEK COUNSELLING.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

I often receive phone calls from people who are concerned about a family member, friend, colleague, or neighbour who is grieving.

In all these calls there is the question: “What can I do to help?”

In answering that question, I am going to give a short description of the brain and what happens in loss.

The part of our brains that helps us think consciously is situated above our eyebrows behind our foreheads. You will often hear this area referred to as the Frontal or prefrontal cortex. The type of thinking that goes on here is known as executive functioning. It helps us analyse our surroundings, make decisions and interact in conscious and meaningful ways with the rest of the world. It is considered this area helps us make sense of loss and allows us to use coping strategies to deal with our grief. It may also try to understand and find meaning and let us think our way out of distress. This is very efficient, but….

Deep in the brain, above the area behind our nose is an area that is known as the limbic system. This part of the brain is responsible for us balancing our internal world and external reality.

One part adds the emotions to our experiences. It responds to threats to our world with fear that feels very real.

Another part is where we store our memories. This area stores all our experiences including loss experiences and will provide the memories that we base our grieving on. Negative grief experiences will impact our grieving in the present.

Other experiences, such as the way we attach with our care givers as children also have a dramatic impact here. The loss of grief is tied up with our attachment style. It can result in loss being perceived as a threat to our life.

The intensity of our grief experience has its foundation in the limbic system.

The limbic system is an area of the brain we cannot consciously control. It is also an area of the brain that provides feelings we have trouble understanding and voicing.

Another function of the limbic system is to respond to threat with the fight or flight stress response. Grief throws a person into this response. This produces a state of high arousal of the limbic system where the more conscious and logical parts of the brain stop functioning. Instead our limbic system takes over and provides the reactions we need to stay alive.

When the fight/flight response in the body activates there are many effects.

The first, as I have already mentioned, is to turn off conscious thought. The person cannot make decisions or often respond with words that make sense.

They are quite likely to lose their appetite as the fight/flight response is focused on movement and does not allow processing of food.

The person may want to move constantly as a flight response.

Or they may become angry, aggressive and combative as a fight response.

They are likely to not sleep.

People who have journeyed some way from their grief and can vocalise their experience more often tell me at this stage they are constantly bombarded with food or drink. Yet the last thing they want to do is eat or drink. Their experience of grief is so overwhelming it leaves no room for anything else.

They also report they often felt numb. There was a great sense of unreality.

They also tell me that people spoke to them and they knew they were talking, but they couldn’t hear them or they weren’t even aware people were there.

In some instances they heard people talking but could not manage to reply. They felt as though they were paralysed.

Others said they just wanted to move, maybe even escape and just walk and walk.

Some felt great anger and lashed out at other people. One of the hardest things was seeing other people going about their day as though nothing had happened. Their world had stopped but everyone else’s had kept going.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP AT THIS TIME?

Just be with the person. Let them know you are there and want to help them. Be okay to sit in silence, to not have to say anything. Allow the person to speak if they want to. When they speak, just listen. Don’t try to fix things, you can’t. just listen. Let them know you are there to support them.

If the person wants to go for a walk, go with them. That way they can feel supported but also be able to express their need for movement in safety.

You might occasionally offer food or drink. But remember they may not be hungry. Accept their No and don’t try to force food on them.

If there is a steady procession of casseroles, put one in the fridge and freeze the rest. They will be needed some day.

I sometimes have people come to me at this stage between the loss of their loved one and the funeral. There is not a lot of processing that will take place here.

The person often wants to talk. Talking to someone more objective is often easier than talking to friends and family who are affected too.

I also encourage the person to be kind to themselves. To not place high expectations on their behaviour. To not feel they have to look after everyone at the funeral and afterwards. Instead I tell them it is okay to not want to talk to people, to feel angry, to leave if they want to, to not be the consummate hostess. I always remind them they are the one who has lost someone and the priority is their care.

After the funeral things may ease a little and the person may be more able to occasionally engage with the world. They also may appear to get worse as the full reality of their loss, without the distraction of funeral preparations, is able to be experienced.

You do need to watch the person who appears to just shut down and stop eating, talking or generally being with people. Mostly, that person will eventually emerge from that state and start living again.

If you are concerned at the length of time they are in this state, if you are concerned they are getting worse you may consider getting help for them.

Remember they may refuse help.

The best way to approach this is to talk to them about how much you care and are concerned. Arrange an appointment with a grief counsellor and take them to the appointment. Take them home again and make sure they are okay afterwards. You may want to stay with them for a while. They may also ask to be alone. Don’t force yourself on them if they ask to be alone.

It is comforting in this situation to know that researchers have found that when people experience these episodes of great sadness after the loss of a loved one, the sadness has a purpose. It decreases their yearning for their loved one. This allows them to explore memories of their loved one without being overwhelmed. This can help them to heal as it allows them to process some of their most painful memories.

TO SUMMARISE:

Be there to listen and support your friend. Make sure they know that you care and are willing to support them in any way.

Don’t give advice, don’t tell them what to do.

Offer food and drink but accept if they say no.

If they want to walk go with them.

If you think it will help. take them to a counsellor, but if they refuse to go, don’t force them.

Never tell them it is time to get on with life or get over it.

Christmas is a busy time of year.

There is all the busyness of the end of year. Schools are going on holidays. People are having parties. There are presents to buy. There is food to prepare. Many businesses close down so there is urgency to get things attended to. If you are closing down over Christmas you are under pressure to wrap things up for the break.

If you suffered trauma as a child, or find trauma you have suffered is exacerbated by family get togethers are Christmas, then the busyness has that added layer of stress on top of it.

How do you manage the stress of getting everything done and surviving either family get togethers or a time when you may in the past have had family get togethers?

If you subscribe to my newsletter, the December newsletter (out soon) has some ideas. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

In the meantime, one of the most important things to do is to be able to find the “calm in the middle of the storm”. When you can stop the escalating stress and come back to a place of calm, it is much easier to cope with the stress of the season. Although any opportunity to get yourself into a calm place is helpful, returning to that place of calm a number of times before Christmas will help you to cope better than just a one off calming.

Here is what to do:

1.Stop.
Stop what you are doing. Sit down in a comfortable position, close your eyes and take a few   deep breaths into your tummy.
Just breathe in and out slowly.
As you breathe out, imagine you are breathing out all the stresses and tension in your body.
As you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in calm and peace.
After a few breaths in and out you may like to put your hands over your heart. As you continue breathing in and out, tell yourself it is okay. You are doing a wonderful job. Life is busy but you can rest for a few moments. It will all be okay. You may like to tell yourself how much you appreciate all your hard work. You may like to offer words of comfort and love to yourself. Don’t be worried about doing it, you need and you deserve it.
You may like to imagine you are sitting somewhere relaxing and peaceful.
Sit with this lovely vision as you pour support and comfort into your heart.
When you are ready, open your eyes and come back to the rest of your day.

2. Get some sleep.
No matter how busy you are, go to bed at a reasonable hour. If you are finding yourself staying up to finish off something and feeling stressed about it. Stop. Put what you are doing away and go to bed. It will still be there in the morning but you will feel a lot less stressed about it.
Pay attention to your emotions. Don’t push them aside in the busyness. Allow them to be and allow yourself the time to feel them.
Turn off the TV, computer and phone so that you can get a break from them, even for a short while.
Don’t rush your meals. Take the time to eat slowly and pay attention to what you are eating.

3.Rethink your Christmas.
If family get togethers cause you terrible stress and feel more like attending your own funeral than something enjoyable, maybe it is time to rethink what you are doing at Christmas. There is still time to make other plans. If you feel you can’t avoid the dreaded family get together then seek counselling now to prepare for this time, and continue the counselling after Christmas so you may be more prepared for next year.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with anything I have raised in this blog, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

As Christmas approaches, we are in a time of busyness, gift buying and giving, parties and a time when all the advertisements say we will be together with loved ones.

This reminds me the following:

   There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

   a time to be born and a time to die,

   a time to plant and a time to uproot,

   a time to kill and a time to heal,

   a time to tear down and a time to build,

   a time to weep and a time to laugh,

   a time to mourn and a time to dance,

   a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

   a time to search and a time to give up,

   a time to keep and a time to throw away,

   a time to tear and a time to mend,

   a time to be silent and a time to speak,

   a time to love and a time to hate,

   a time for war and a time for peace.

These words were made famous by the Byrds in 1965. Their hit single popularised the words of the Bible found in Ecclesiastes 3.

It is true.

There is a time for everything.

There is a time to die and there is a time to weep and mourn.

I wonder, does it bring comfort to know that?

Most people tell me it is not helpful at the time of grieving a loss.

Later, when time and distance have softened the pain slightly, they say it is helpful to consider that.

The trouble with these words is they are very analytical. Very black and white.

We will never be done with mourning. But in time, we may find the space to fit other activities in and to be more philosophical about the seasons of our lives.

So on the one hand the words give comfort by reminding us that today we may mourn, but maybe tomorrow we will feel like dancing. And on the other hand they seem to trivialise the impact of grief.

To tell someone who is grieving that there is a time for everything and this is their “time to mourn” is to communicate to that person they have no right to grieve. Such a statement closes the lines of communication that need to remain open so the grieving person can feel able to talk when they need to. After all, we do not know when another person is ready to mourn less and be part of other activities more. Sadly, people are often told not long after the funeral that it is time to move on. I can’t understand how anyone could think you could get over the death of a loved one so quickly!

So yes, there is a time for everything. But telling someone there is a time to mourn is not helpful. But it would be okay if the grieving person came to that conclusion themselves.

When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

Do you see someone you love? Yourself.

Are you able to look in your eyes?

Or do you see your abuser, who shares some physical characteristics with you?

Or do you see someone shameful?

Or do you see someone you despise?

Or do you see someone who is not beautiful enough?

For the person who has had a traumatic past, looking in the mirror can be extremely unpleasant.

You may find yourself looking into your abuser’s eyes, or see the set of their mouth, and be frightened. Or you may see any other physical characteristics you have in common with them that lead you to think you are looking at them.

You may see someone with a lot of faults. You may look in the mirror and see the things your abuser has said about your shortcomings. Your deficits. The things that make you unlovely.

If you see someone with faults, how can you look in the mirror and love, or even like, what you see?

If you look in your eyes, do you turn away from that gaze? Do you feel uncomfortable making eye contact with yourself?

Does eye contact feel threatening?

Does it feel shameful?

If you have suffered abuse in the past, particularly in childhood, it can be really difficult to look at yourself in the mirror.

Some of that difficulty stems from a belief that you are a defective, or shameful, person.

Some can stem from the difficulty of looking in the mirror and seeing features you share in common with your abuser. In that case looking at yourself can feel like your abuser is looking at you. No surprise then that looking at yourself can be frightening.

If your abuser used to make eye contact to intimidate or frighten you, then eye contact with yourself can trigger those feelings of fear and intimidation.

So what can you do about it?

The best way to resolve this problem is to resolve the issues around the abuse you suffered.

Doing that often involves counselling from a trained trauma counsellor who can help you claim yourself as worthy of seeing in the mirror.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your difficulty looking in the mirror, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

It is a common feature of humans that we want to rush through our pain.

That is not surprising. Pain hurts. Why would we want to experience pain any longer than we need to?

When it is physical pain we are suffering from, we take pain killers.

When it is emotional pain the pain killers we take vary. We may deny there is a problem. We may seek to escape by diverting ourselves with other activities. We may take alcohol or drugs. We may engage in other addictions.

All the things we do to remove our emotional pain are ultimately unsuccessful. There is no way to fast forward through the emotional pain we feel.

Our escapism only serves to prolong the pain.

The reality is we need to work through the emotional pain.

We need to acknowledge it.

We need to allow ourselves to hurt.

We need to be kind to ourselves in our hurt.

We need to pay attention to the hurt.

What is it telling you?

What can you learn about your self in this hurt?

What meaning can you ultimately give to this hurt?

I see many people who want to rush through their grief. I don’t blame them. It hurts. But I know that they need to learn to be okay with sitting with the pain.

Marg came to see me after the death of her daughter. She had been ill for most of her childhood and died just as her teenage years were starting.

At first Marg was terribly lost. This was her only child. The only person she had in the world. She was so totally alone. How could she cope? She just wanted the pain to be gone.

Through the counselling sessions Marg summoned the courage to face her pain.

She explored the experiences of others through reading books and searching online.

She started to feel more hopeful of surviving this.

Finally, she met up with her daughter’s friends. She sat with them while they talked about her daughter and all the things they did together. As she sat, she met the daughter these young teenagers knew and loved.

As she met that teenager, she realised her daughter was a whole person that many people missed.

She found a bond with these young people.

She realised that bond would always be there and that was important to her.

She discovered that, although there would be many painful times ahead, she also had peace with her daughter’s death.

In the presence of her daughter’s community of friends she found the meaning she had been seeking.

What Marg discovered was that her pain was not going to go quickly, but she could learn, grow and ultimately find peace by allowing it to be there. And she learned that was an important place to be.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and learning to not rush through the pain, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz