Four things you cannot control and four things you can

One of the most stressful things in life is trying to control things you have no control over. It can leave you feeling powerless. Below are the four major ones. Do you recognise any of them in your own life?

1. You cannot control what other people choose to think.

It is hard when people think badly of you, when they judge you, or when they say nasty things about you. It hurts when that happens. But you cannot stop other people doing that.

2. You cannot control what other people choose to feel

You have worked hard to consider others when planning an event. Then some people are upset about the way you planned it. You make a decision and others are unhappy with that decision. All you want to do is make someone happy and you try so hard to do what you think will make them happy. You can spend a lot of time and energy trying to do things that others will be happy about. But there is no guarantee they will like what you have done. And it is quite likely you will not be happy with the decision either. You cannot make other people happy or sad. Only they can do that.

3. You cannot control what other people choose to do.

You try hard to get someone to do what will be easier for you, but they choose to do something that makes things harder for you. You try to help a friend stay out of trouble, but they do what they want anyway. You cannot control the decisions other people make.

4. If you attempt to do any of the above, or any combination, you will feel inadequate, frustrated, angry and depressed.

This one speaks for itself. In my workshops I often have a warm up exercise where a participant is given a ball and a scenario. A common one I use with people who have children is about your adult child making a bad decision. I nominate other participants to represent various people involved in the scenario. The participant is then asked to throw the ball to the person who is responsible for the decision. Frequently, the participant will hold onto the ball and not pass it on.

This is a classic thing we all tend to do. It is that belief that we are responsible for others. That we can control others. And when we fail we feel that we should have tried harder, or are angry that person didn’t do what we wanted.

So what do you do? You focus your attention on what you can control. Below are four things you DO have control over:

1. What you think.

Instead of trying to control what others think, focus instead on what you are thinking. Accept you cannot control what others think and accept that. Life is a lot less stressful when you focus on your own thinking and accept others will likely think quite differently. And that that is okay.

2. What you feel.

You may not be able to control what other people feel, but you can control what you feel. Again, accept others will feel what they want to and focus on what you feel.

3. What you do.

Controlling other people’s actions without resorting to abusive behaviour is not possible. You need to accept that. Instead focus on what you can do and accept others will do their own thing. If what someone else is doing has an impact on you then you can respectfully negotiate with the other person and seek to come to a mutual decision on what you will both do.

4. How you choose to respond to what others directly express and do.

You cannot control how another person responds to you, but you can respond to what is done to you. You do not have to engage with someone whose behaviour you don’t like. That is a wonderful thing to remember.

So with the ability to control what you think, feel, do and how you respond you have a lot of control in your own life. What a wonderful feeling to have that power.

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