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How to run towards the hurt of grief

In my work with grieving people, I find two responses to the pain of grief.

One group of people accept the pain and work with it.

The other group of people run away from the pain.

Many years ago, I read a story about teams installing electricity poles. The most dangerous time in the entire installation is when the pole has been placed in the ground. It is in these moments before the pole is secured that it is most likely to fall over. The instinct should this happen is to run away from the falling pole. But the installers are taught the safest response is to run towards the pole and put their hands on it.

This is a great metaphor for pain. We instinctively run away from pain. We dare not look at a wound for fear of what we might see. We don’t want to be frightened by the reality of what has happened. We don’t want to feel the pain because we are frightened it will be too much for us to handle.

But to heal, we need to know what the wound is. We need to accept the wound. We need to examine the many elements of the wound.

To explain this, I am going to use the metaphor of a physical wound.

I once cut the side of my finger on a mandolin slicer. I immediately wrapped my hand in a tea towel and pressed on it. I didn’t know what I had done, or how bad it was. All I knew is that there was blood everywhere and it hurt but was also numb.

Eventually I decided I needed to look at my finger.

I unwrapped the tea towel, expecting the profuse bleeding to recommence.

Fortunately there was not too much blood coming out of the wound. I was able to see that I had not cut the edge of my finger off, but there was a very deep cut that ran into the edge of my fingernail.

I realised the wound was not as serious as I had imagined.

Because I was able to look at the wound I was able to reassure myself and treat the wound. As a nurse, I knew I needed to examine and treat the wound to allow good healing.

Some years later I sprained my ankle badly and was told not to put weight on it until it was healed. When the time came to put weight on my ankle, I was frightened to do it. I remembered that my foot was excruciatingly painful to put weight on when I had first sprained it. I was afraid of experiencing pain. But I did put weight on it and discovered that it no longer hurt to do that.

In the end, it was my fear of experiencing pain that held me back from walking on my ankle again.

If we take these metaphors and apply them to the terrible wound of grief we can see that there is initially an overwhelming outpouring of pain. The pain is raw and there is some numbness there too.

It is not possible to look at or examine the wound. We are in shock.

But over time the shock eases and we can start to explore the wound.

We can overcome our fear of feeling pain and see exactly what the wound is. We can change our attitude to the wound. Once we do that we can heal it.

Buddhist philosophy says that most suffering is caused by our attitude to a wound, not the wound itself. In fact the more we resist our pain, the more we suffer.

It is human nature to make meaning of everything. But we don’t like the meaning to be too complicated, or too random. We want there to be a cause, someone or something to blame. We want there to be someone who will be punished for the event. If there is no one to blame, then life is random and that is really hard to accept. We prefer certainty not uncertainty.

In order to heal, you need to accept the painful wounds of grief.

You need to accept your responsibility in the wound and in healing it.

You need to accept how life is now.

Yes, when you explore your wounds it is unpleasant and painful.

But for healing to occur it is what you must do.

You need to explore your pain, your attitude to the pain and you need to find how to live with the pain.

When you do this, the pain reduces and you find the strength to continue living and heal.

—

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with being able to run towards the hurt of grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

The path of grief recovery

It may seem like a no brainer. But for many people facing grief there is a belief that they will “get over it” quickly and in a lovely straight progression.

If only!

Unfortunately grief is not like that.

It is more like a twisting tangle that progresses and regresses, that goes up towards your goal of “getting over it” and down towards the original pain.

This is what my two “Demeter’s Journey” groups have been discussing.

All of them agreed their experience of grief was not the straightforward “recovery” they expected it to be.

That idea is so pervasive in our culture, that most of the group felt they were failing or were mentally ill because they were not experiencing a straightforward “recovery”

It was such a relief to them to know they were experiencing the ups and downs, the forward steps and backward steps, the going around in circles, of the rest of the group.

As many have said to me, “I thought I was going mad. Now I know I am just like everyone else.”

All the group participants found it useful to see a counsellor, someone knowledgeable about grief and objective, who could listen without judgement.

The reality of grief is that it is never a straight line.

And that is perfectly okay.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your path of grief recovery, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Next year I will be running Demeter’s Journey again on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland. If you are interested in being part of that, please email me.

How to say goodbye when you can’t attend the funeral

There are many occasions in life when you can’t attend a funeral.

With COVID restrictions, that has stopped many people. Yes, you can often watch the funeral online, but it doesn’t allow you to share your thoughts with other people or feel the atmosphere of being present at the funeral.

There are other things that stop you attending funerals:

• Not having the money to pay for airfares to attend a funeral.

• Being unable to take time off work.

• The funeral being for close family, when you aren’t close family.

• Not knowing the person has died until after the funeral.

• Being too sick to attend the funeral.

• Not being recognised as a having a valid reason to mourn the person.

• And so on.

These are just some of the things that stop you attending the funeral of an important person in your life.

I have often had clients who have been unable to attend the funeral of someone important to them.

So what can you do to say goodbye?

One of the most important things to consider when saying goodbye is what the person meant to you.

What was it you liked/loved about them?

If you think about them, what is something about them that seems important, or makes you smile?

Is there some place that reminds you of them, or that you know they loved going to?

Do you have any rituals that you use to say goodbye to people you have loved?

Here are some of the ways clients of mine have said goodbye to loved ones.

• Light a candle a day for a number of days. I have had many people do this, the number of days varies according to their culture.

• Write a poem about the person, read it out and say goodbye.

• Write a letter to the person then read it out. You could light a candle while you are doing this or go to a place that you feel represents the person you are commemorating.

• Get together with other people who knew the person and celebrate their memory.

• Visit a place they loved to go to and say goodbye there.

• Write a letter to the person and post it. You can address it to any place you want and if you don’t leave a return address on it, it will never return.

• Draw a picture, paint a picture, make an artwork that represents the person.

• Imagine you are sitting with them and talk to them, then say goodbye.

• Buy or make something that represents that person to you and display it in your home.

• Make a memory box and put notes, items that remind you of the person, photos and so on in the box.

• Write on their social media page, saying goodbye.

• Share stories about the person with your own friends/family members.

There are many more ways to say goodbye.

The important thing is to allow yourself to acknowledge your loved one/friend’s death and to give yourself the opportunity to commemorate their life and the end of their life in a way that is meaningful to you.

You may also like to remember them on birthday’s, the anniversary of their death, and so on.

5 do’s and 1 don’t of parenting traumatised children

There are many things in life that traumatise children, from the death of a loved family member or pet, the loss of a house due to fire, being in a natural disaster, a car accident, bullying at school, being in a domestic violence situation, parents separating, and many more.

Despite all the claims that children are resilient and aren’t really affected by these things, this is not true. With the proper support children can grow and recover after a traumatic event. Without the proper support this is unlikely to happen.

Here are 5 do’s for parenting your traumatised child:

Are you coping okay? If you are not, get help. Research has shown that children cope best after traumatic events when their parents are calm and appear to be able to handle the situation the family is in. To do that, you may need counselling to assist with your trauma.
Create a safe space. Keep a space in your home that is calm. This is a space your child can go to when feeling overwhelmed or frightened. It can contain soft toys, cuddly blankets, pillows, favourite books, anything your child may find calming and helpful. Your child must be able to go there without having to ask or explain. You can calmy tell them it is okay to be there and you are available if they need to talk or have a cuddle but then leave them in the space. Make sure you are nearby and they know you are. Allow them to stay there until they are feeling able to come out. It may be a good idea for you to have a safe space to go to be calm as well.
Establish predictability. Have a stable routine so your child can predict what will happen in a day. It may help to write on a board what is happening in the day. Make sure you talk with your child about anything coming up that is different, so they can prepare for it. Predictability feels safe and that is what your child needs.
Build of sense of trust. Be trustworthy. Be there for your child. Defend them. Speak up for their needs. Honour your promises to your child. Follow the household routine. If for any reason you cannot follow that, then explain to your child what has happened. If your child tells you something in confidence, then honour that confidence. Don’t tell other people about what they have said. The only exception to that is where it is necessary for your child’s wellbeing. In that case let your child know you have to do that.
Offer choices. Allow your child to feel in control in their life. Offer them alternatives whenever possible. Even if it is just whether they want a glass of water now or later, or in this cup or that cup. Give them the opportunity to say no or yes.

The final point is a Don’t. It is:

Don’t punish your child for behaviours that are trauma symptoms.

Trauma symptoms include

• Difficulty with concentration

• Being withdrawn

• Being excessively active

• Getting angry easily

• Crying for no apparent reason

• Answering back, refusing to do what they have been told and other “disobedient” behaviours

• Picking on other people

• Being irritable

• Not doing schoolwork

• Not being hungry

• Not able to sleep

• Appearing to regress, such as a child who is toilet trained not using the toilet.

It is always helpful to get professional help for you and your children. For very small children a specialised child counsellor is best (under 5).

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with coping with the situation or help your older child, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

I never knew this was Grief!

Everyone knows the Elizabeth Kübler-Ross model of grief, even if they don’t know what it is called. This model, which was created to describe the process of dying and later applied to grief, states we experience grief in this order: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s model was useful to open up awareness of death and dying. She challenged people to talk about death, not hide it. She challenged out society to not hide death away. She opened people’s awareness to the experience of dying and grief.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross never intended her description of the dying experience to be turned into a rigid model. A model where you were expected to experience stages in a rigid order. A model that was quickly turned into a rigid model to describe grieving.

Nowhere in this idea that you experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance does it mention a very common experience of many bereaved people.

People describe fear. They describe anxiety. They describe panic attacks. They describe lost confidence. They describe being afraid to leave the house. They describe being afraid to be alone, especially at home.

C. S. Lewis, in his book “A Grief Observed”, written after the death of his wife, stated that he had not known that grief felt so much like fear.

So many people describe fear, anxiety, panic attacks, lost confidence. This fear and anxiety is a common part of the grief experience. Yet it is not recognised.

A lot of the anxiety and fear is due to the destruction of the sense of your world being safe and predictable.

Grief is traumatising. The experience of grief is very much the experience of trauma.

So many people are medicated for their anxiety. They see therapists who work on their anxiety. They feel defective. They sometimes feel they are not grieving properly because they are not following the Elizabeth Kübler-Ross model. They feel shame at what they assume is selfishness. They do not understand their anxiety is part of their grief.

For these people, what they are experiencing is a very natural and normal part of grief.

Elizabeth Kübler Ross’s model has been superseded by many other models of grieving. These models, rather than being adapted from a model of dying, are the result of much research and observation of people who are grieving.

It is also important to note that grief is not just about death. People grieve over the end of a relationship, over moving country, area, house, over losing your job, over being burgled, over losing a precious possession, over losing your health, over losing part of your body, over the death of a pet and many more. Anything you lose can be grieved over.

All people who have experienced a loss and are grieving are likely to be feeling anxiety and fear.

No you are not going mad. You are just grieving.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and anxiety, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life.

There is great awareness of grief as a loss, but there is a second aspect that is less well known.

Not many people understand this impact of grief.

When someone you love dies, that you that exists in relationship with them dies also.

One of the most important aspects of moving forward with grief is being able to remake your life.

Remake your life without the one you love in it.

How that looks will depend on what your relationship with that person was and how long that relationship has existed.

A man who has been married to his wife for 60 years will have a massive readjustment to make to his life. He will have to learn who he as a single person is. After all, he has been part of a couple for 60 years. It is most likely that 60 years will have been most of his life. If he was very young when he married, he may never have learned who he was as a single adult. This may be the first time in his life he has to do that.

A woman whose brother had died will most likely be struggling to comprehend the loss of a sibling, especially if the relationship was a close one. She will have to learn who she is as a woman without a brother (or one of her brothers).

A woman who has lost her mother will have to learn who she is as a person in her own right. What is often overlooked in our society is that our parents define who we are. So when that parent is gone, she will need to learn who she is and not see herself through her parent’s eyes.

A man who has lost his daughter will have to learn who he is without his child. If she was his only child then he has to learn who he is now he is no longer the parent of a living child.

The woman who has lost a friend has to redefine herself without that friend.

And so on.

It is hard. Understanding who you are now, and making a new life without that person in it is hard. Most people who come to see me report a loss of confidence. They frequently do not understand why.

The lost confidence is due to the loss of a definition in your life. The definition of partner, sibling, child, parent, friend and so on.

If you experience this, please know you are not going mad. You are experiencing a very common consequence of losing the person you love.

When you find yourself grieving and battling with lost confidence, please be kind to yourself.

Tell yourself it is okay. This is a common reaction to grief.

Allow yourself to be less willing to do things you formerly may have done.

You can challenge yourself to do things, but don’t overdo it. Try at least one thing you are now lacking the confidence to do. Congratulate yourself on each little victory of achievement.

Be patient, it takes time to rebuild your sense of self.

Be open to new ideas.

Trust that in time you will build a new sense of self and it will work well.

If you need to, consult a counsellor to assist you with rebuilding your sense of self.

Consider doing a course, either face to face or online. I am building one of my face to face courses into an online course. It is titled “Who Am I” and will be available to Beta Test in the next few months. If you are interested in it you can subscribe to my newsletter which will provide information on the course when it is available. Please see below for subscription information.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey and/or sense of self, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How do I learn to trust the world again?

This is a question many of my clients ask me.

Life was wonderful. Everything was so certain. Then this person you loved so much died.

Suddenly life was not so certain.

Trust in the certainty of life was shattered.

It was hard to feel safe.

It was hard to trust that other people that you loved would not also die.

Maybe you clung on to them more tightly.

Maybe you worried every time they were away from you.

Maybe you felt terrified or depressed.

Maybe you also feared your life would end too.

Maybe, as time went on and those people you also loved were still alive, you learned to trust a little bit again.

The uncertainty of life is one of the biggest Existential questions you have to face in life.

Nothing is more scary than uncertainty. Yet your life is uncertain. All life is uncertain.

To be uncertain is to feel unsafe.

It is scary.

It takes you outside your comfort zone into a place that is very uncomfortable.

Yet learning how to live with uncertainty is something you need to learn.

Those clients who turned their lost trust in the certainty of life around tell me this is what they did.

They accepted life is short and uncertain. They decided they were okay with that.

They decided to live each day.

They took risks and followed their dreams.

They rang a loved one and spoke to them. They visited a dear friend. They did the things they wanted instead of putting them off.

They determined they would live with enthusiasm, love with abandon and live each day with gratitude. Most of all, honour the memory of those you loved. Celebrate what you had.

Sometimes to achieve this you need help. This is where seeing a counsellor who works from an existential perspective can be of assistance.

I work from an existential perspective and have extensive experience in working with those who have lost loved ones.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to trust the world again, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Fight or Flight. What on earth is happening?

Some time ago I wrote blogs about the fawn and freeze responses. Today I am writing about the flight and fight responses.

I once saw a useful graphic of how your defence response works.

It starts with you feeling safe and able to socialise with others. To do that you need to be able to answer a question with a yes.

I should say at this point that it is not your conscious brain that is asking the question. In a dangerous situation your conscious brain does not have time to answer such a question. It is areas of your brain below the level of conscious control that are asking and answering these questions. To do this, these areas will look for pattern matches to previous situations. This may be a tone of voice, other sounds, a smell, non-verbal communication from the other person and so on. This background pattern matching is why you may react to something without being aware of danger.

The question is “Can I protect myself through authentic connection with others?”

If your brain can answer yes, then you stay there. You feel safe and there is no need for any escalation into defence mode.

If your brain answers no, that you cannot protect yourself, then your brain will trigger more defensive strategies. Your brain may answer no because you are being physically or verbally threatened by another person. You may be in a situation with another person emotionally threatening you, maybe by the things they are saying to you, or about you. Being in a social situation where someone is making negative comments about you is threatening.

If your brain answers no then it will switch you into readiness for flight mode.

Again, if your brain asks the question “Can I protect myself by running away from the threat?) then your brain switches to fight mode.

Once more, the question your brain will ask is “Can I protect myself by being assertive and addressing the threat head on?

If you can’t then your brain switches to Fawn mode. Here the question will be “Can I protect myself by rejecting or suppressing my true self?)

If your brain answers no then finally, as a final protection response, it will ask the question “Can I protect myself by shutting down, disconnecting or collapsing” At this point you will freeze.

So this is the cascade of reactions in your brain as a reaction to threat.

Now for a discussion about Fight and Flight.

Different parts of your nervous system are activated in your danger response. The part activated in fight or flight is the sympathetic nervous system.

The sympathetic nervous system brings about mobilisation.

You may have heard about its opposite system, the parasympathetic nervous system. These two systems work together to keep you in a level state, until you face danger. Then they spring into action. Without making things too complicated, there is another part of your nervous system – the Vagus nerve – that works with these systems to keep you in a level state. I will explain more about the Vagus nerve in another blog.

So the sympathetic nervous system is about mobilisation. It is about you either standing and fighting or running away.

One of the things that happens with the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) activation is that you are no longer connected to others. This is necessary to protect you. In a dangerous situation you do not have the time to consult others. This works well in a situation of physical danger, but can be a problem in our modern world where our dangers are not as often physical and where the support of others may be beneficial.

It is ironic that when you are in a state of equilibrium between the two different nervous systems you feel safe and secure. Your sense of safety is enhanced by the presence of others. Suddenly you are in danger and you isolate yourself from that safety net. What you feel once that system is activated is isolated and in danger.

When your fight/flight response is activated your thinking brain will go offline. It will be hard for you to communicate with others or hear them.

One thing that you lose once the SNS activates is your hearing. You can no longer hear other voices. What You can hear is low frequency sounds of potential physical predators or the high frequency sounds made by another in distress. You are now able to hear danger, not connection.

You also lose your ability to read the facial expressions of others. This can lead to you misreading other people’s faces. If someone has a neutral expression, for example, you will read it as being dangerous.

In order to supply your muscles with the oxygen needed to function in an alert or running away state, your heart speeds up to allow a more rapid exchange of oxygen. Your breathing becomes shallow and more rapid.

You may be aware of racing thoughts and a difficulty concentrating. You will also develop what is known as tunnel vision. This means you will be focused on the danger and not notice other things.

You may become dizzy if your body cannot use up the extra oxygen you are taking on board.

In order to push blood to the muscles, other parts of your body will shut down. The main one is your digestion. As part of this you may notice your mouth becomes dry. You may also feel “butterflies” in your stomach and may feel nauseous. You may also feel the need to empty your bladder as the muscles in the bladder relax as part of that shut down.

Your hands will get cold as the external areas of the body shut down. In fact, all your skin will get cold due to shutting down. Your palms will also become sweaty as your body tries to release heat so that you don’t overheat during the dangerous situation.

Finally your muscles will tense ready for action. As part of being ready for action they may shake as well. You will be very restless and unable to remain still.

In a SNS state you will avoid contact with others. Your sense of the world is of an unfriendly place where there is danger everywhere.

If your brain tells you to stop and fight, you are likely to be confrontational, intense and antagonistic. Other people will notice your body posture become rigid and your tone of voice sound challenging. They will also sense an intense energy from you.

You may recognise a lot of these reactions in people you encounter daily. The abusive customer, the road rage driver, the aggressive person on the street. These are all people who are in highly stressed states who are experiencing a fight/flight response.

These states are really scary. For you, and for others who witness them. If you stay and fight, you may be considered aggressive and dangerous. You may say and do things that cause you problems. If you run away you may find it hard to go back to what was, in your mind, a dangerous situation.

You may find these states scary and frightening. You may even dread them happening and want to be able to stop reacting this way. Your reactions are learned in life, especially in early childhood. As I mentioned earlier, your brain forms patterns of danger that it matches. It does this to protect you. But the patterns are not precise. So they approximately match earlier patterns. This leads to reactions at times when you are maybe not in danger. It is not uncommon for a person to feel terrified and thrown into a fight or flight reaction then later find out the situation was not as dangerous as you thought.

In these situations you have not overreacted. Your fear was valid. To others it may not have looked dangerous, but to your brain it was. This is where seeking counselling with a trauma trained counsellor can be helpful.

As a trauma trained counsellor, I have the skills to help you attend to what needs to be healed. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

We have mourned enough

We have mourned enough …
We have shed tears for the one we loved and lived in the hollow they left behind.
We are leaping into grief as though we have embraced it as a form of recreation.
We are not what we have lost.
We are not what has been taken from us.

We are all too willing to embrace the void.

If you do not cherish what remains we all become as nothing.
You will be nothing.

We are not broken.
We are each as whole as we will ever be again
and in the end when we cease to be, we will all become memories.

“Sister Monica Joan” from the series “Touched by a Midwife” Series 7 episode 8.

Moving words.

When I first heard them I wondered at them.

At first glance they seemed uncaring.

Looking at them in the context of the story, where the group had lost one of their own and were now upset at the loss of a political leader, the words made more sense.

This old nun spoke of the loss of their beloved friend and colleague.

Now she is pointing out that they are turning grief into a hobby. They are becoming distraught at every death, even one of a political leader of another country. They have taken their personal loss and are adding that pain to everything in their lives.

She reminds them they are in danger of becoming grief. Of being willing to embrace the emptiness of grief. Of being lost in hopelessness.

It is tempting to do that when we lose one we love so dearly. But it is not our future. Our future is to live. Even as we attend to the pain of our loss, we are forced to continue living and completing the tasks we need to complete each day. Much as we want the world to stop, it continues and we are forced to run to catch it up.

But she reminds her colleagues that we are not what has been taken from us. We must allow ourselves to grieve and at times be immersed in it. But we do reach a point in our grief journey where we need to and are willing to acknowledge and hold precious what we still have.

Because if we do not hold precious what we still have we are nothing. Our lives have no meaning. No purpose. No direction.

Her final reminder is that grief may leave us feeling broken hearted but we are not broken. We are still capable of living and continuing. It may take a long time, but we are still able to survive.

We are still whole. As whole as we will ever be in our lives again. That wholeness probably looks quite different to the wholeness we experienced before our loss. But that wholeness is still whole. And we reach a point when we need to continue living.

We live with our memories and in time, we also will become someone else’s memories.

6 important self-care actions for you living with trauma

When you have experienced trauma in the past, it can be hard to live in the present.

You are surrounded by things that trigger traumatic memories.

You are constantly checking around you for danger (hypervigilant).

You have trouble trusting people.

You are always anxious because you are constantly looking out for danger.

As a parent, you are trying to protect your children and that makes you anxious and something overprotective with your children.

It is really important that you look after yourself so that you, and those you care for, have the best chance at getting through each day.

Following are 6 vital things for you to do to protect yourself.

1.Nurture yourself.

Look after yourself as though you were the loving parent protecting and caring for their child.

Pay attention to the basic essentials of life:

eating,
drinking enough water,
getting enough good quality sleep,
moving and exercising,
getting out in the fresh air,
especially in nature,
washing yourself and
breathing.

Eating: Make sure you eat healthy food. This give you important nutrition to build and repair your body. It also give you energy for basic body functions. Take time to prepare your meals and keep to a routine. This increases your chances of eating and eating well, as well as reducing the temptation to eat things that are less healthy.

Drinking: Remember to drink enough water. If you can’t remember, drink water at set times, as you would with a meal. Try to avoid sugary drinks and alcohol. Also reduce your tea and coffee drinking because of the caffeine in them.

Sleep: Research has shown that we need enough good quality sleep in order to function well. This allows us to not only stay awake during the day, but also to be mentally and physically healthy. Good sleep routines are helpful to use before bed. Try to limit screen time in the few hours before bed. A warm bath or shower can also be helpful in triggering your body to go to sleep. Work out your natural sleeping time and aim to go to bed at that time every night. Make sure your bedroom is tidy and pleasant to be in. Make sure your bed is comfortable. Research shows you sleep better in a tidy, pleasant bedroom with a comfortable bed.

Moving and exercising: taking a break every so often and walking for a minute or so is really beneficial. Try to get out of the house at least once a day to get fresh air. A short walk can help. You could try stretches or dancing to a favourite song.

Fresh air: research shows that being out in nature lowers blood pressure and enhances calm. It may not be possible to visit a beach or area of bush every day, but even walking for a short while in a park with trees can be beneficial. Make sure it is somewhere you feel safe and comfortable.

Shower/bath: immersing yourself in water, or having water run over your skin is comforting and relaxing. This also allows you to wash your body, which is an important part of caring for yourself.

Breathing: Breathing plays a large part in reducing our stress levels. It also allows us to calm ourselves when we are becoming distressed. Most people dealing with past trauma take shallow breaths from the top of the chest. It is important to change that to deeper breaths that fill the entire lungs. Breathing deeply allows you to ground yourself. Grounding is explained later in this article.

Remember as part of your nurturing to do nice things for yourself. Things that your enjoy. That may involve a lovely bubble bath, watching a movie, having a long walk, reading a book, playing with a pet or child. You may even want to take up salsa dancing, mindfulness, or join a Zumba class.

2.Self Soothing

It is quite likely you never learned how to soothe yourself as a child. You are also experiencing reactions in your life, because of your trauma, which make managing the normal stresses of life hard to cope with.

Children rely on their parents to learn how to self soothe. They learn this by being soothed by their parents. If you didn’t learn this you may have learned other ways to soothe yourself. Some of these ways involve hurting yourself, using alcohol or drugs, eating “comfort” foods, acting out verbally or physically or being impulsive in your behaviour.

There are many ways you can learn to soothe yourself as an adult. When you are distressed, others can be useful to help you calm down. There are things you can learn to do when you are calmer that you can then use when you recognise you are beginning to feel your distress is out of control.

Things you can try include: reaching out to a trusted other person for a hug, hugging yourself, cuddling a soft toy or pillow, cuddling a pet, wrapping yourself in a blanket, using a weighted blanket, have a warm bath, massaging your feet, allowing yourself to cry, a cup of hot chocolate or using a heat pack.

You may have other helpful ways you have worked out to help you calm down.

3.Grounding

This is an important thing to learn to do. Grounding means being aware of where you are and feeling connected to the earth. That feeling of being on solid ground is very soothing. So often when affected by trauma your awareness of the ground goes. Connecting back to the ground can help you feel safer and more calm.

You may notice that at some times you feel very anxious. This can lead to your feeling irritable and angry. Or you may feel really numb.

For the anxious times breathing is one of the most useful ways to calm down. I mentioned that trauma survivors tend to breathe in the top of the lungs. When you are in fight or flight response you breathe faster to take in more oxygen to fuel your muscle movements. This means your breathing becomes fast and shallow. This type of breathing increases your feeling of being anxious.

The best way to deal with that anxiety and panic is to slow your breathing.

Practice breathing when things are calm so you can use it when you are anxious.
Pay attention to your breathing as you breathe in and out.
Notice the sensation of the air coming in through your nose. For this practice. Breathe out through your mouth and notice the sensation of the air leaving your mouth.
Once you are aware of your breathing, slow it down. It can be helpful to try breathing in for 4, holding for 4, breathing out for 4, holding for 4. This encourages you to slow your breathing down.
As you slow your breathing down, try to make your out breath longer than your in breath. One way to do this is to breath in for the count of 4, hold for the count of 7 and breathe out for the count of 8. This sends messages to your brain to calm down.
If you are finding it hard to breathe, try lying down and putting your hands lightly on your stomach and watching/feeling them rise as you breathe in and lower as your breath out.
Now that you are aware of your breathing, notice your feet on the floor, or if lying down your body touching the surface you are lying on. Notice the feeling of pressure as you rest on the earth/surface.

The way I described breathing used mindfulness techniques. Mindfulness can be really helpful in connecting you with your body. It is hard to connect to your body when you have been traumatised. Being more aware of what is happening in your body allows you to notice when things are starting out of control so you can take steps to calm that feeling down.

A final note: some people find doing repetitive movements helps them calm down. That might include bouncing a ball, skipping, jumping, doing something with your hands such as a craft activity or colouring in.

For the numb times, the times when you feel spaced out or “not there” there are grounding exercises you can do. These aim to help you feel your body again, feel you are in your body.

Some of techniques are the same as with anxiety. Things such as noticing your breathing are important. Here are some other things you can do.

Notice your feel on the floor. Push them hard into the floor and notice that feeling.
If you are sitting feeling your bottom on the chair. Try to push down into the chair to increase that feeling.
Stomp around the room, feeling your feet hitting the floor.
Stretch your body, paying attention to the feeling of the muscles stretching.
Move around, noticing your feet on the floor.
Notice 5 things you can see, 5 things you can hear, 5 things you can feel (touch), 5 things you can smell and 5 tastes (that one may be harder).
Look around you and notice colours you can see, the objects you can see, find things starting with a particular letter.
If there is someone near you and they are talking, focus on what they are saying. If they are moving, focus on what they are doing.

There are a multitude of things you can do. Experiment and find that techniques that work best for you in different situations.

4.Using Anchors

An anchor is something you can remember and use to keep yourself calm and in control.

You need to think of this when you are feeling calm and safe.

Think of somewhere you have been that felt safe. It may be a favourite place in your home, a favourite tree, a place you like to go to that feels safe. It may even be something you have imagined or a picture you have seen.

Once you think of this place imagine the following:

What can you see there?
Can you hear any sounds?
What is the temperature?
What textures can you feel? Imagine you are touching them.
What can you smell there?
Is there anything you can taste?
How do you feel being in this place?
What is your favourite thing about this place?
How does your body feel when you are in this place?

Imagine this place. Come back to it as often as you think of it. Practice being there and how safe and calm it makes you feel.

Now when you feel you are beginning to become distressed imagine you are in that place.

Look, Think, Action

This is a really good action to stop the automatic thoughts in your brain from tipping you into a distressed state.

Whenever you see something, encounter a situation, hear about something, you have thoughts that come into your mind interpreting those thoughts. When that happens, you can use this method to bring awareness to your thoughts and redirect them before they cause you to become distressed.

Look: notice what is happening. Notice what you are feeling inside. Notice what thoughts are coming up. Notice how your body is wanting to respond. Notice how long the thoughts come up after an event. Some people think an event is okay but then become distressed later as thoughts come up and they find themselves thinking about the event.

Think: As yourself how you feel about the event? What do you notice is the main problem? What has triggered your reaction? Is there an attitude or belief you hold about this? Is this reminding your of a past experience that upset you? What are the consequences of the event? Notice your behaviour – are you responding defensively? Is there something you can do to move on from this reaction? How might you do that?

Action: What is the smallest and most easily managed action you can take to move forward? Do that first. Remember, ignoring what is happening is not helpful, as is running away. These take away your power to influence the outcome of the event. You may, however, choose to take time out to consider your response and then attend to the chosen action.

6.Self Talk

I have already touched on this topic in the previous section.

We all self talk. Sometimes our self talk can be negative, other times positive. Self talk has a deep impact on our mood.

It is usual for people traumatised in childhood to have negative self talk. It is most likely something you have done all your life.

It will take time, but you can learn to interrupt the negative self talk.

Self talk comes from the story of you. You first learn this story when you are a child. If you were subjected to abuse as a child, then you story will be a negative one.

There are always other stories there, that are less dominant. These stories tend to be more positive ones. They can be about you setting healthy boundaries, being able to say what you feel, ask for help, stand up for yourself, accept care.

It is helpful to identify your negative stories and the words that enter your thoughts from those stories.

Listen to what those thoughts are telling you.

Ask yourself if they are true.

Do these thoughts matter?

Can you change them?

What would you change them to?

What thoughts can you find that honour you and emphasise your strengths?

Identify the positive stories that are pushed to the background by your negative stories.

When you find yourself thinking the negative thoughts, tell yourself to stop and start focusing on the positive stories.