“Why is it I always seek to understand others when they are rude to me but I don’t get the same consideration? It’s not fair!”
Ilse slumped down in the chair, tears of frustration mixed with sorrow coursing down her cheeks. She had come to see me because, at the end of a distressing week she had snapped at her sister-in-law’s unreasonable demand. Now she was the pariah of the family.
Her sister-in-law was always rude and demanding and normally she forgave her because she could understand the need behind the rudeness. She had spoken to this woman in calm times and told her how her words hurt. She had asked her not to speak to her like that again. Her sister-in-law didn’t acknowledge her behaviour was bad and she didn’t apologise for the hurt she caused. Other members of the family agreed with Ilse that the sister-in-law behaved badly. So why was it that she was being treated like a terrible person because she had snapped at her? She had had a terrible week. Her best friend died of cancer on Tuesday and on Friday her husband received a cancer diagnosis. Friday evening her sister-in-law had berated her for not ordering the serviettes for her parent’s wedding anniversary celebration in two months. Ilse had snapped at her.
To her horror, she was berated by other family members for her response. What she wanted was understanding and compassion and her family gave her none. This is why she came to see me.
Maybe you can relate to Ilse’s experience.
When you are hurting and needing support, who do you turn to? People often turn to family and friends. But what if they aren’t available, or they are the problem?
This is where a visit to a counsellor can be really helpful. Ilse came to see me and was able to be heard, to feel understand, and to receive compassion. She was able to find a safe place to express all the pain, fear and helplessness she was feeling. In the session she was able to discover how to move forward. How to cope with the stresses in her life. How to sit with the hurt she was feeling.
Do you need understanding and compassion? Maybe I can help you too?
If you would like to sit in a safe place where you can be heard and receive compassion then ring 0409396608 for an appointment.
Nan was interviewed on Brisbane community radio station TRIPLE YYY 87.6FM, where she talked about working with people who have suffered loss. In this interview she discusses the many types of loss that people encounter and the difficulties associated with that.
This story is about Anna. This is not her real name. That has been changed, along with a few details, to protect her privacy. She wanted to share her story because she realised other people struggle with the convention that says you should grieve for a parent who dies, even when they abused, hated and rejected you. Here is Anna’s story.
There was recently a death in my family. My mother in law, with whom I had a very difficult relationship, died. My husband was sad, but not surprised. She was 94 and her death was not unexpected. My children were not really moved by it. They all said she did not mean anything to them. Sadly, she was not the sort of grandmother who forms relationships with her grandchildren. It caused me to think of my own mother’s death over ten years ago. She was also incapable of forming a relationship with her grandchildren, or with her daughter for that matter. I cried when she died and in the aftermath felt my world had fallen apart. I had lost the definition of who I was. As time went on I realised my tears were not about love for her. I realised I had no feelings for her other than anger at the way she had rejected me and deliberately set out to put me down and had not protected me from my father’s abuse. My tears were about the lost opportunity to ever hear her say “I love you”. The last time I saw her, she looked at me with such dislike, and it was really hurtful. I knew she died never having loved or even liked me. And the only sin I had committed was that of being an unwanted child, which was not my choice.
Facing my mother in law’s funeral brought up questions about why people cry at funerals. There are those who genuinely love the person who has died and are grieving the loss of a beloved companion. There are those who are grieving the loss of the opportunity to understand why the person behaved as they did towards them. Or the lost opportunity to hear ‘I love you’, or ‘I am sorry’. I have read that when a parent dies, the unresolved issues between the child and the parent must first be resolved before grieving for the loss of the loved one can take place. I realised that with my mother, resolving the issues identified that there was no love in the relationship. The grief I felt was purely the grief of never being loved and accepted. The little baby still seeking the acceptance that ensures survival. This year, my mother would have been 90. On that day it was two months short of 13 years since she died. Every year I deliberately ignore her birthday and do not acknowledge it. But this year I decided to acknowledge it and to have a little time on my own. Just me talking to her. The words were not be ones of love. They were ones laying to rest the grief I have felt these past 13 years for what I never had. To acknowledge that love never grew in that relationship but I no longer grieve for that. The pain will never go away, but it has become easier as I have learned that who I am is my definition, not my mother’s warped, controlling one. That I can be a better person than she was. That there were people who liked her and loved her, but I was not one of them. She may have been a great wife, a great mother to some of her children, and a great friend. But to me she was a really crap mother and this is not incompatible with the way other people saw her.
My father is 92 and I know a day will come, sooner than later, when I will have to face the same situation. Any grieving I will do will be for what he never gave me. The difference this time will be the time I have had to accept what he did and establish my own identity.
The message I want to share from this is that you may go to the funeral of your abusive or rejecting parent and you may only feel sorrow for what they never gave you. I want you to know that is okay to feel that way. It is not selfish. You had every right to expect those things from your parent. It doesn’t make you an uncaring person. It makes you alive and real and very human. Others may not want to know about your pain and may seek to shut you down. Don’t allow it. It is important to grieve for what you never had as well as what you lost.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you have suffered a great loss, or a major disappointment? You are in a place where you are reeling from the shock and hurting so badly. And then someone says to you.
“It’s for the best you know.”
“He’s in a better place.”
”Did you hear so-and-so suffered (insert apparently worse situation than you are in).”
“You’ll get over it.”
“Aren’t you over that yet?”
Or other hurtful things that I have not listed.
And all you want is for someone to sit and listen, maybe put their arm around, or cry with you, or just be with you and offer compassion.
Why is it so hard for people to do that?
Yes, our society teaches us to ‘fix’ problems and many of us are programmed to offer advice and suggestions and fix other people’s problems. That is unhelpful. People want to be heard. Not fixed.
But that doesn’t explain the uncaring comments.
In truth most of us feel very uncomfortable with pain in other people. We don’t know what to do about it. When we don’t know what to do about something, we try to push it away. But what if we just acknowledged the discomfort and sat with it anyway? What if, instead of trying to shut the other person down (because that is what those comments are doing) we just sit with them, in their pain, and do nothing?
Yes we will feel uncomfortable, but what is wrong with that?
The person in pain will feel a lot better being able to sit with their grief and pain, have it acknowledged, being given permission to grieve, and feeling they are not so alone because someone is prepared to sit with them.
And maybe someday, someone will do that for you too.
Nan was interviewed on Brisbane community radio station TRIPLE YYY 87.6FM, where she talked about the ongoing impact of childhood trauma on adult lives. She details her Communicate, Collaborate, Choice to counselling trauma sufferers.