PLC Blog – Page 13 – Plentiful Life Counselling Blog

Positive Changes after Bereavement: Is that actually possible?

In my last blog on Grief, I talked about how you can grow from grief. It sounds bizarre to suggest that something so horrible can lead to positive growth, but it can.

It is important to note that not everyone who grieves will experience positive growth. But a lot of people do.

POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH

You may have heard the term “post traumatic growth”.

This term has been gaining popularity amongst workers in the trauma field. It is the idea that trauma is not always negative. It can also have a positive aspect where the person grows in a positive direction as they recover from their trauma.

BUT THIS IS TRAUMA I AM TALKING ABOUT, NOT GRIEF.

Grief is a traumatic experience and it is included in discussions about post traumatic growth.

Trauma is a highly stressful event that often results in a negative response. Researchers have found that your brain manages the stress in the same way that positive changes can be made in the brain.

What this means is that it is possible after a highly distressing traumatic event to have negative and positive growth.

It is well known that crises in life lead to distressing emotions and it is not unusual for you as you experience these emotions to feel anxious and frightened. You may also feel sad and depressed. These feelings can continue for a long time.

Grief is one of these life crises and it is well known that sadness, a deep longing (otherwise known as yearning) for the person and wishing the person was still alive are common. Feelings of guilt, anger and irritability are also commonly observed in people who are grieving and you may be experiencing these feelings too.

These same experiences are also common in people who have suffered other traumas.

HOW CAN I GROW WHEN I AM SO DEVASTATED?

There is a widespread that trauma always results in negative consequences to the traumatised person. But research has also shown that growth also occurs. In short, that distress you feel can coexist with growth.

Many people feel they go backwards when they suffer grief and for a time that is probably true. But post traumatic growth is not just a return to the way you were, it is actually an improvement that in some people is very obvious.

IS POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH THE SAME A RESILIENCE?

Before I answer that question it is important to acknowledge that grief is not just an intellectual pursuit. Many people try to intellectualise it and fail. Grief is also experiential. You need to allow yourself to experience it in order to process it.

Resilience and Post Traumatic Growth, along with hardiness, optimism and a sense of coherence are personal characteristics that provide the ability of the individual to manage difficulties effectively.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back and continue with life after a difficult event.

Hardiness is an ability to commit to things, control self and face challenges that occur in life. Characteristics of hardiness are considered to be curiosity, being proactive, having a strong belief in your personal effectiveness and being willing to face challenges positively.

Optimism is where you consider positive outcomes will occur … eventually.

A Sense of Coherence is where you have the ability to understand events, can cope with them and even find meaning in them.

Post Traumatic Growth refers to the ability to change and not be damaged by life’s stressful events. This is where you are able to transform your life.

WHAT GRIEF TRAUMA DOES TO YOU

Grief trauma causes you to be somebody else. After a traumatic event it is not possible to go back to being the you that you were before.

It causes you to rethink all that you have previously believed about the reliability and fairness of your world.

You may find the people you thought would stand by you melt away and the ones who support you were people on the periphery of your friend circle. So many people report family rifts opening up and long term friendships ending.

All these changes in the people around you add to the sense of the world you knew ceasing to exist.

You are likely to experience a loss of trust in the certainty and positivity of life.

HOW DO I GROW FROM THAT?

When you suffer such a traumatic event it will always be remembered as traumatic. How can it be okay that this person you loved so much has died?

What researchers have found happens is that, without making a decision to, you will over time make meaning out of this traumatic event.

HOW DOES POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH WORK?

There is within everyone a drive to survive. That drive is now known to continue to operate in the brain even when there is a trauma being experienced. In other words, your desire to survive is existing in your brain alongside your distress as this traumatic event.

This is how it is possible to derive meaning from the event, even when it is so distressing.

As your brain works to survive this distress, your brain is also finding new understandings of the world. It is coming to terms with the uncertainty and unfairness of the world and the changes in support networks that may have occurred.

What this means is that you grow in the aftermath of grief because of your brain seeking to comprehend the new reality of your life with the loss of the person you love, the loss of trust in the world and the loss of some support networks.

WHAT DOES POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH LOOK LIKE?

People who report experiencing this growth report they:

• Feel an increased appreciation of life in general

• Develop more meaningful interpersonal relationships

• Possess an increased sense of personal strength

• Experience changed priorities, and

• Have a richer existential and spiritual life

WHAT SUPPORT CAN I OFFER YOU TO FACILITATE YOUR POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH?

Research has shown that post traumatic growth can be aided by the presence of supportive others to listen, assist you to craft narratives about what has happened and help you explore different perspectives. I will not tell you that in your initial sessions. It is just a process I understand you may undertake at some time.

At first you are likely to be feeling very emotional. You may spend more time crying than talking. That is totally normal and my counselling sessions are safe places for you to cry and express your emotions.

There will come a time when you will be ready to talk about other things some of the time.

REBUILDING YOUR WORLD

Because grief shatters your world you have to rebuild it. Part of this process is examining what the world means to you now. This is an existential experience and you need a counsellor who is comfortable with existential processes. As an existential therapist I am very comfortable with those at times difficult explorations. I can hold that space for you as you explore beliefs and concepts that may seem strange and even scary.

You may experience spiritual challenges and you need someone comfortable with those discussions. This is something I am very experienced in.

TELLING YOUR STORY

It is also important you are able to tell your story and be heard. Society often imposes limits on what the bereaved person is able to share. Many people feel constrained to share their feelings and are afraid to cry in public.

Being heard involves being allowed to talk without the other person telling you their story, or trying to solve your problem, or trying to offer platitudes such as “they are in a better place”, “its all for the best” and so on.

I will listen. I may ask you questions to help you to explore things further, and I will definitely summarise what you are telling me so that you can be sure I am listening to you.

FINDING THE SAFE PLACE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF

It is vital you are able to find somewhere where it is safe and acceptable to cry and share your feelings. Where it is acceptable to share and reshare your stories. This process is vital for processing your grief.

Different people have different needs around how much sharing is needed. Some people are fortunate enough to find a group of family/friends or a support group to allow them to talk and cry without censure. This type of support needs to be long term and consistent. It is unhelpful if family or friends become tired of hearing the stories and stop being supportive. It is also unhelpful if sometimes you get support and other times you are shut down.

Connection to a mutual support group can also be helpful. Being able to share with others who have been through what you are experiencing can help you feel okay to accept new ways of being.

CRAFTING A NARRATIVE

Narratives form a large part of your life and how you see yourself in the world. From family stories of events to your own stories of experiences you are always constructing stories (narratives) about your life. When someone you love dies you will construct many stories about their death, the events that occurred after that, the events in your life together and stories told to you by other people.

In a session with me you will be encouraged to share the narratives that seem important to you. You may not be aware you are doing it. Telling me about the events around your loved one’s death may not seem to be a narrative, but it is.

Narratives are useful in that they guide you to examine questions of meaning around your loved one’s death.

Narratives are not just facts of the events, they also include a lot of emotions. Sharing your narrative allows you to explore those emotions in a supportive environment.

RUMINATION AND HOW IT HELPS

Rumination is often seen as a negative in mental health. This is because the act of replaying negative stories and thoughts (rumination) is seen as being detrimental in depression.

Grief, however, is not depression. The sadness around grief may look like depression but it is not.

People with depression are discouraged from thinking about the negative thoughts.

With grief, however, researchers have discovered that this constant rehashing of events and feelings is beneficial in helping you to make sense of events, problem solve, reminisce and anticipate the future.

According to these researchers rumination in grief and other traumas is conscious, revolves around the event, and involves seeking to achieve a goal or the sorrow around a goal that has not been achieved.

In grief you are thinking about the past and that is something that needs to be worked through. You will also think about the present and the things now that are impacting you. They also need processing. You will also be worrying about what may happen in the future.

THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE LOSSES THAN JUST THE DEATH OF YOUR LOVED ONE.

As you process your thoughts about the loss of your loved one, you will reflect on past events and process anything that has remained unfinished. That is important in processing the grief.

You will also process the things that won’t happen. Examples include:

• You may never achieve your goal of a wonderful trip you had planned with your loved one.

• You may never get to grow old together.

• You may never have children together, or grandchildren, depending on your age.

These losses need to be processed as well.

BEFORE, AFTER AND THE POINT IT ALL CHANGED

In time you will likely find you divide your past into the time before your loved one died, the event of their death, and the time after. You will likely reflect late that the event of their death was a turning point in your life. Nothing was ever the same again. This doesn’t mean the turning point was something positive. It just was a point when your life changed.

There may come a point where you are able to recover the self esteem you may have lost as a result of your grief. You may find you wake up one day and realise you want to make changes in your life and you have the power to do that.

You may also accept the importance of looking after your needs. Part of this process may involve ending relationships that don’t help you anymore.

You will most likely realise that you are responsible for your own healing and your own journey.

None of this is easy, but it is possible if you want it. Enlisting the support of a trained grief counsellor to guide you through can really help.

HOW TO CONTACT ME

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Mental Illness v Mental Injury

I was challenged by an online video by Luke Chao.

In it he discussed the terms mental illness and mental injury.

He spoke about the way we perceive accidents involving physical injury compared to accidents that involve mental impacts.

A PHYSICAL INJURY

He gave a scenario where you are walking down the street and someone runs up to you and slashes your arm. You are hurt and bleeding but you are not sick. Apart from the injury to your arm you are otherwise healthy. No one blames you for being slashed. After all, that is victim blaming, something we are increasingly aware of and seek to avoid doing.

COMPARE THIS TO A MENTAL INJURY

But someone who is suffering from a mental injury is not given the same respect. If you developed PTSD as a result of this random attack you would be described as being mentally ill. This implies that there is something wrong with you, rather than there being something wrong with the people around you or your environment. In the case of the slashed arm, something is wrong with the person who randomly decided to slash your arm.

Suddenly you are being victim blamed. But isn’t that something we try to avoid doing these days?

PHYSICAL INJURIES BUT MENTAL ILLNESS

If you have arthritis in your knee but are otherwise healthy, you just have arthritis in your knee.

If you have anxiety about social situations but are otherwise healthy, you are mentally ill.

Using the term mentally ill suggests there is something wrong with you as a person. The connotation drawn from that term is that you have something wrong with you and you are ill.

Why is there such a difference between physical ailments and psychological ailments?

WHAT COUNSELLOR’S STUDY IN THEIR BACHELOR DEGREES

Luke’s comments reminded me of the rationale behind the subjects I studied in my counselling degree. We not only studied counselling, but also psychology (to better understand behaviour) and sociology (to better understand the environment). We were always taught that we needed to understand the context of a person’s environment and the impact of the people around them to understand what was happening to them.

A HORRIBLE WAY FOR YOU TO BE TREATED

If you walk into my practice room and I just see you as mentally ill, then that implies I just see you as being wrong, at fault.

If I see you as being the cause of your suffering then I don’t look further than you. I pathologise your suffering. I look for dysfunction in you and set out to correct it.

THE WAY I TREAT YOU

But that is not what I do.

Instead, I see your suffering as the result of an injury that has resulted in a completely normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. Sometimes there is more than one injury. Sometimes the injury keeps happening again and again, or has in the past happened again and again.

I look at your environment, including the people in that environment. I look to see how that impacts on you and your suffering.

I believe every person who walks through my door is someone who has been injured as a result of abnormal circumstances. I see you as being a healthy individual who is coping as best you can with a wound.

Interestingly the Greek word for wound is trauma.

Makes sense doesn’t it.

NEED HELP WITH YOUR MENTAL INJURY?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your mental injury, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Is it wrong to grieve?

If you listen to other people, or read about grief in the papers, or visit a mental health practitioner with a mental health care plan, you may form the opinion that it is terribly wrong to grieve.

From the number of people who walk through my door with this belief I consider it highly likely that you too have developed that opinion.

Back in the late 1800s Sigmund Freud formed his theories around mental health. He theorised that people were not capable of having more than one relationship and had to break their connection (referred to as “bonds”) with the dead so that you could form new relationships.

This was accepted by generations of psychiatrists and psychologists after him. Of course, it then became generally accepted in the community.

It was fairly natural for that to flow on to a belief in the post World War 2 era for acute grief, the turmoil and devastation in the immediate aftermath of the death of a loved one, to be seen as a psychiatric syndrome.

Instead of being a natural and understandable process, grief suddenly became evidence of a serious disorder.

People were judged by “how well” they were grieving. Some were seen as grieving “better” than others. Those considered to grieve “less well” were labelled as pathological, unresolved, prolonged, chronic and complicated and more …

Suddenly the understandable symptoms of deep sadness, emptiness, nothingness, depression and other behaviours were defined as suffering from a psychiatric disorder.

The whole think is ridiculous, and modern theories around grief largely debunk this, but the belief persists.

A big example of this is that the two international systems to define mental health conditions, the DSM and ICD both include a condition that labels grief as being pathological if the person shows symptoms of grief as little as 6 months after the loss of their loved one!

So people encounter a belief amongst the community and medical/mental health professionals that they are suffering from a mental health disorder and should seek mental health support.

I remember a few months after my mother died that I mentioned to my brothers that I still missed my mother. Their response was that I obviously needed mental health intervention for my unhealthy feeling!

I have lost count of the number of clients who come to me with referrals from their GP that lists them as having a pathological grief reaction when their loved one has only died in the past few months!

I don’t normally use so many exclamation marks, but I find it astonishing, disheartening and horrifying that, rather than getting support, people are pathologized and intervention requested to “cure them of their pathological grief”.

If you come to me telling me that you are still crying a few months after the loss of your loved one I will tell you that this is to be expected and perfectly natural.

I will then talk to you about what current theories say about grief. I will throw in some neuroscience in a readily understandable form to explain how normal your experience is from a neuroscientific perspective. Yes, your brain has a lot of work to do processing grief. It is not pathological for any part of your body to have to make changes. That is your body doing its job.

I will also be curious to understand any fears you may have about crying in public or being visibly upset. A lot of people have that fear because of societal conditioning that says there is something wrong with you if you still cry after the funeral instead of “getting on with life” (whatever that means).

If you come to see me a year or more after the grief and express how you just want to stop crying I will discuss with you the place of sorrow in grief. How research shows that it is possible to feel the desolation of grief alongside the act of moving forward in life.

MORE INFORMATION TO COME

There is so much to say on this subject.

I will be continuing a discussion on this in my subsequent Monday blogs.

I will talk about “continuing bonds” and their role in evaluating your grief.

I will talk about the overlooked intellectual side of grief and how that has been derailed and pathologized.

I will talk about the growth you will make during your grieving and the role of post traumatic growth in this.

I will talk about how desolation and growth can exist together

I will also talk about sorrow, pining, yearning and the “depression” experienced as part of grief.

I will also talk about solace and its role in grieving.

These are all important things to discuss to understand what is happening for you, how okay what you are experiencing is, and how to avoid being pathologized by mental health professionals and society in general over your totally normal grief.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with understanding your grief, being reassured you are not going mad, and surviving the unhelpful interventions of others, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Ways Children Grieve Differently

There is a general lack of understanding around how children grieve.

People expect children to grieve the same way adults do. For that reason, when the child is seen to happily play it is assumed they have “gotten over” the death of their loved one.

But this is not so.

UNRESOLVED GRIEF IS FREQUENTLY THE ENEMY WITH GRIEF IN CHILDREN

Many adults consider grief the enemy to fight, and therapy to support people in that situation often aims to help people see grief differently. However, with children, unresolved grief is the enemy. Why? Let me explain.

WAYS A CHILD GRIEVES

How a child grieves is determined by a number of factors:

• Their developmental stage,

• Their age,

• How the loved one died,

• What they have already experienced in life, and

• How they see grief modelled by the adults around them.

Researchers have observed that children move in and out of grief. They also need to handle their grief in small periods of time and intensity.

BRAIN DEVELOPMENT IMPACTS ON A CHILD’S WAY OF GRIEVING

One of the main reasons children grieve this way is to do with their brain development and the coping skills they have developed.

Children’s brains develop the ability to cope with overwhelming emotions in stages. Initially they need a lot of shared soothing from caregivers. Over time, they learn to soothe themselves more and need less support. However, frightening events and highly emotional occasions still require a lot of assistance in shared soothing from caregivers.

HAVING A BREAK FROM INTENSE EMOTIONS

Even adults cannot spend 24 hours a day grieving. Much as you may not want to think about anything other than your lost loved one, the reality is you do think about other things.

Just as the child needs breaks from the intensity of emotions, so do you the adult.

This is referred to as dual processing. You have grief to attend to, and you have life to attend to. So you work out a balance between the two. Children do the same, just in smaller doses that their brains allow.

DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES CAUSE THAT GRIEF TO BE REEXPEREINCED

The other thing that happens with children and grief is that the child will often reexperience that grief at different developmental stages. Don’t think that the child will be over the death after a few years. They will often reexperience their grief later in childhood and even into adulthood.

The general rule for children is that under the age of 4 the child will know someone is missing and miss them. They will know there is something wrong. They can’t however really understand what they are experiencing and why the loved one is not there anymore.

HOW TO SUPPORT A GRIEVING CHILD

They will need lots of cuddles from trusted caregivers at the time. As they grow older they will have more questions and much more sadness as they understand more about death and the death of this loved person.

UNRESOLVED GRIEF

When the adults in the child’s life avoid talking about the grief, the child is unable to process the grief and it becomes unresolved grief. They will then often hide their feelings away.

You may see acting out behaviours, depression, anxiety, and disorganisation. You may see anger, often directed at you. These are often signs of unresolved grief that has been hidden away but now needs to be expressed and acknowledged.

EACH GRIEF PILES ON TO THE NEXT ONE

Children don’t only experience grief at the time of their loved one’s death. They also experience this grief at different developmental stages in life. When someone else dies the grief over the previous grief will also be experienced. In fact, we all grieve for the current grief and any past ones that have happened.

NOT BEING ABLE TO SAY GOODBYE

One thing I have found when working with adults still trying to process the death of loved ones in their childhood, is that they were often not included in the death and aftermath of this loved adult. Often children were sent away to stay with relatives and did not see their loved one as they were dying. They are often not included in the funeral. So their opportunity to say goodbye is denied them.

FEELING THE DEATH IS A TABOO SUBJECT

Children can often feel the adults in their life do not want to talk about their loved one. So they lock away their feelings, which are expressed in other ways.

When a child is young when their loved one dies, they are often not able to express what they are feeling. Even if they are there to see their loved one as they are dying and attend the funeral, they will still experience the death differently as they grow up.

FEELING GUILTY ABOUT THE DEATH

Children can also feel guilty about their loved one’s death and will hide that away out of fear the other adults in their life will reject them if they know.

BEING TOLD TO LOOK AFTER THEIR PARENTS

One of the saddest things I have seen happen with children is when adults in their life tell them to look after their mother or father and be responsible. Children in that situation often feel they are not able to grieve for their loved one and must suddenly become adults responsible for the welfare of their parent/s.

ADULTS MODEL GRIEVING FOR CHILDREN

Research has shown that children will grieve based on how their parents grieve. If adults are open and honest about their feelings and encourage their child to share theirs, with opportunities to comfort each other, then the child will feel more comfortable sharing their grief when it resurfaces.

THE CHILD BELIEVES THEIR GRIEF IS NOT IMPORTANT

If adults hide how they are feeling, thinking it is better for their children, the children can feel it is not okay to express their grief. A child will also hide their grief if the adults in their life don’t respond to their expression of grief and instead become extremely upset without acknowledging the child’s experience. Some of that hiding is due to fear of upsetting the adults in their life. Some is also due to the child forming the belief that their grief is not important. This will be particularly so when someone has told the child to look after their parent/s.

HOW ADULTS CAN HELP

Children need adults who can openly and honestly discuss grief, how it is for them (in age appropriate language and content) and be open to asking the child how it is for them.

EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS – WHAT IS DEATH?

The first time a person encounters grief there is a massive existential shift needed to understand it. At any age, even in adulthood, people question what grief means. This is more so for children and their developmental stage will impact on how they explore that question. It is important to be open to answer any questions a child may have and to be prepared to have an age-appropriate conversation with the child if they wish to have one.

Don’t be afraid to name what led to the death of the loved one. For example, if the child’s grandfather died of cancer, you may explain that he had a sickness in his body that caused it to stop working. So that the child doesn’t worry that they may get that sickness too you can explain to them that they do not have the sickness and are well.

QUESTIONS AND HOW TO HANDLE THEM

Children will often ask questions about where their loved one is. People have many different beliefs around death. I find children are particularly concerned that their loved one is with any pets they have lost, or with another loved one. They don’t want them to be alone. They may also want to know if they are still sick, in pain, scared, sad. Understanding that helps with responses around your beliefs.

One parent who brought their child to me spoke of having read the experiences of people who had near death experiences and used this to tell their child that their grandfather was in a very happy place with his parents and siblings and old friends, as well as the family guinea pig and dog.

THE FORM THERAPY TAKES AND WHAT YOU CAN DO AT HOME

Children are more open to express their feelings and understandings in play where the child may play out scenarios that help them process their loved one’s death. Allowing them to play and not shutting down their play can be really helpful to them. Reading age appropriate books about death are also very helpful. Drawing is another way children often express themselves.

THINGS TO REMEMBER

Remember, it is most important to allow children the space and permission to grieve. Don’t force them to talk if they don’t want to, but model openness around your own grief journey and an openness to listen when they want to talk.

Do not make the loved one a taboo subject!

Be prepared for the grief to resurface at different developmental stages.

Get help if you feel your child is not coping with immediate or resurfaced grief.

Ensure you get help for your own grief needs.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your children with grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

R U OK?

Today is RUOK day.

RUOK day is not only about reminding you that you have the power to help others, but also a reminder to seek help is you are not OK.

Helping others is not just the preserve of those of us who specialise in mental health. We all can help others.

Today I am going to talk about how to ask others if they are OK.

Then I am going to talk about how you can get help if you are not OK.

Most people will not ask for help. Such help seeking is pretty taboo in our society. Have you ever been taught even the basics of a foreign language? If you have you will no doubt have started with how to greet another person. Hello. I am xxx. How are you? And you will not doubt have been taught the response: I am well thankyou.

This is the hidden message of our culture. Don’t tell others how you are feeling!

I am sure you have met people who will avoid any discussions that are hard. These are the people who will avoid responding to your tentative words reaching out for help. Or who will respond with comments designed to stop the conversation.

If you are in that position, don’t give up. Later in this blog I will talk about what you can do to be heard.

WHAT SHOULD I BE LOOKING FOR IN THOSE AROUND ME TO INDICATE I NEED TO ASK RUOK?

Because of the taboos in our society on reaching out to others, it is unlikely a person who needs help will tell you – unless you ask.

The following are times in a person’s life when they might need a little bit of extra help:

• When a relationship has ended or there are difficulties in that relationship.

• When the person is going through stressful times, or there has been an increase in the stress in their life.

• When there are financial difficulties.

• When there are major changes in the person’s life either at home or work.

• When someone/thing they care about has been lost.

• When there is a major health issue.

• Any time you notice someone is struggling.

SIGNS A PERSON IS STRUGGLING

• Things they are saying, especially if they are different:

 o    They may not be making any sense when they talk, as though they are confused.

 o    They may tell you they can’t cope or feel things are out of control.

 o    They may criticise others or themselves.

 o    You may get the impression they are feeling trapped or in emotional pain.

 o    They may tell you they feel lonely or are a burden to others.

• Things they are doing that may be different:

 o    They may seem to lack energy or be unmotivated

 o    They may be unable to switch off

 o    There may be changes in how much and when they sleep, exercise or eat.

 o    They may appear uninterested in their appearance. This may extend to their home.

 o    They may no longer be interested in the things they used to enjoy doing.

WHAT DO I DO IF I THINK SOMEONE IS STRUGGLING

If you think someone is struggling then this is the time to consider asking them if they are okay.

Before you do this it is a good idea to consider how or if you might have that conversation with this person.

If you ask the wrong way, and are not prepared for a helpful conversation, you may not help the person. If you feel you are not able to ask, maybe finding another person to ask may be helpful. This is not saying you are not going to be any good at it, but maybe the situation the other person is in , or the relationship you have with them may impact any conversation you may have.

The other person needs to feel they can trust you, or they will not open up to you. So it is wise to consider whether you have been trustworthy in your relationship with that person.

If you feel the other person can’t trust you, you may still be able to reach out to them. In this situation it is best to acknowledge the past. Maybe you could try saying something like:

“I know I haven’t been very trustworthy in the past, but I am concerned about you and I care that you may not be feeling okay.”

If your previous conversations with this person have not involved you listening very well, you can maybe try saying:

“I know I haven’t listened to you very well I the past, but I am concerned that you may not be okay and I want to listen and hear you and support you.”

HOW TO PREPARE TO ASK RUOK

First step is to be ready:

• Ask yourself if you are in the right headspace to listen.

• Ask yourself if you are willing to really listen to the other person.

• Make sure you have the time to have this conversation. It is no good asking someone if they are okay and then rushing off because you have to be somewhere else.

Second step is to be prepared:

• Acknowledge that you are not there to “fix” the other person. You are there to listen. It is okay if you don’t have any answers to their difficulties.

• Don’t rush the other person or fire off questions at them. Be prepared to sit quietly and non judgementally with the other person and allow them the space to process their thoughts and express what they want. When you are trying to survive you spend a lot of time pushing down emotions so you can get through the day. It may take time for the other person to feel able to speak about something that they are feeling very emotional about. It is helpful to bear in mind that it is often embarrassing to discuss problems.

Last step is to choose your moment carefully:

• Find somewhere private and comfortable. A busy place with little privacy is not going to be very conducive to expressing vulnerable thoughts.

• Is this a good time for them to talk? If they are busy and stressed, they are not likely to be willing to take the time out to express how they are feeling.

• You may need to choose another time if they are too busy to talk.

• Consider the way you talk. It is often less threatening when you are sitting side by side doing nothing that requires concentration, or when walking. Being side by side is less confronting than being face to face.

The last point on being side by side highlights the value of being with the other person and doing something together. This is a great time for a conversation where the other person is likely to feel comfortable and able to talk.

IMPORTANT TO CONSIDER

You may be ready to reach out to the other person. But they may not be ready to talk.

Don’t give up. The fact you reached out and expressed your concern will not be lost on the other person. It may be that when they are ready to talk they wil reach out to you.

It is better to have asked than not to have asked. If you ask and they say no, at least you asked. If you don’t ask you will never know if you gave up a wonderful opportunity to reach out to someone in need.

NOW TO ASK – R U OK?

Have a casual conservation.

Start by saying something about what has prompted you to ask.

Examples include:

• You have been quiet lately, how are things going for you?

• I haven’t seen you much lately, is everything going okay for you?

• You’ve seemed really stressed lately, do you want to chat about something?

Now listen and don’t jump in with your own stories.

THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK TO ME – WHAT DO I DO?

Just because you reach out to another person does not guarantee they will talk to you.

It may be the wrong time for them to talk. You could try asking them if it would be okay to check in with them again.

They may feel no one cares and may need to process you request before they are willing to accept you invitation to chat.

Maybe they would feel more comfortable talking to someone else.

You reaching out may lead to them reflecting on their need to talk and they may be willing to talk to or someone else at another time.

THEY DO WANT TO TALK TO ME – WHAT DO I DO?

They welcome your question and tell you about their problem.

So what do you do?

• Remember we talked about you being there to listen, not solve problems.

• Listen.

• Don’t rush to judgement. Have an open mind.

• Give them space to talk. If they pause, don’t rush to fill the silence. Silence is great. Allow the silences and trust the person will talk when ready.

• Ask questions that are open ended, that is that don’t require yes or no answers.

• Ask them to explain the things they say. Don’t assume you understand what they are saying or the impact it has on them. Do this by asking questions that allow space for them to answer in many words. No questions that just require a yes/no. They shut down the conversation.

• Every so often repeat back what you have heard them say and ask if you understood it properly. This give them a chance to correct any misunderstandings and sends the message that you are listening.

I HAVE LISTENED AND THEY HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT THEIR PROBLEM – NOW WHAT DO I DO?

It is at this point you can encourage them to explore what they might be able to do to help themselves.

This may involve someone they can seek help from. It may instead involve spending time together brainstorming ideas on what they may be able to do to change their situation.

Maybe they might see their doctor, talk to a family member, talk to a close friend they trust, see a counsellor.

They may have encountered difficulties in the past and been able to solve them. What did they do back then? Is this something that may work now?

You can also ask them if there is anything they need from you.

CONVERSATION OVER – NOW WHAT?

Once the conversation is over there is still one thing you need to do.

That is to check in with the person at another time.

Let them know you haven’t forgotten them and are still willing to support them.

This allows you to communicate to them that someone cares.

It allows them to feel less isolated.

It may be the encouragement they need to do something about their situation.

It can support them until they are ready to reach out for professional help.

I THINK THEY ARE AT RISK OF SUICIDE – WHAT DO I DO?

If you are concerned the other person is suicidal don’t be afraid to ask.

It can be as simple as “are you thinking about killing yourself?”

Asking will not plant the idea in the other person’s mind. If they are suicidal they already have that idea. If they are not suicidal your asking will not suddenly make them suicidal.

If they answer YES this is what is important for you to do.

Do not leave them alone. Keeping them safe is important.
Get professional help.

While you stay with them:

Keep listening to them.

Find out if there is someone they trust who can help them.

Not all people who are suicidal will actually kill themselves. You can ask if they have a plan and the equipment needed to carry it out.

Unless you feel they are in immediate danger (in which case you will dial 000) try the following:

• Call a crisis support line together.

LIFELINE: 13 11 14

SUICIDE CALL BACK SERVICE 1300 659 467

who provide immediate support and advice

• Visit an emergency department together.

• Take them to a place they feel safe where they will not be alone.

HOW DO I GET HELP IF I AM NOT OK?

Reach out to someone you feel comfortable talking to.

If someone reaches out to you, be willing to accept that offer of help.

If you urgently need to talk to someone, or you are feeling suicidal, LIFELINE 13 11 14 is a good starting point.

You can also ring the SUICIDE CALL BACK SERVICE 1300 659 467

For longer term help counselling can be very helpful.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you when you are not okay, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

RUOK.ORG.AU IS A GREAT SOURCE OF ADVICE ON HOW TO ASK RUOK

How to Survive Grief

“I am sick of feeling sad all the time.

Can you wave your magic counsellor wand and make me feel better?”

Okay – the first sentence is one that is commonly spoken to me by people who are struggling to “move on” from their grief.

When they say move on, they are not referring to some rule that says they must get better but an expectation others may have placed on them or their own expectation.

Some people are just sick of feeling this way and want to move on.

The second part of that statement isn’t ever spoken but I frequently get the impression that is what is wanted.

And who wouldn’t.

On my grief journeys I have certainly wanted some kind fairy godmother to come along and wave her magic wand so that I can get back into my life.

Can you relate to this?

NEVER GOING BACK TO HOW IT WAS

I speak often of the fact that there is never any going back. Our lives are one way. We can never go back.

 Every step in life is a step forward that has no return.

 Every step in life involves you changing to match that step.

It is just that in the normal course of life you don’t notice how you have changed.

Most people find that they look back nostalgically on past times and wish they were back there. But that can never happen.

Once someone you love dies, your life changes more obviously than at other times. No matter how much you want to go back you never can.

REALITY EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT IT IS STILL THERE

Life has changed and so have you.

 The reality is that you will keep living.

 The reality is that you will learn to live with the life you have.

 The reality is that the life you have will not be the life you had before your loved one died.

No matter what, you will get through this dark time in your life.

You may not want to, but you will.

MAKING A CHOICE … IN TIME

How well you move through this time into the rest of your life will depend on your choice to survive and get through this time.

Are you willing to do that?

I am not saying that the minute your loved one dies. Those moments when you feel numb and the world seems so unreal and foreign. Those days when you can’t seem to stop crying. Are the time you make that decision to get through it.

In the immediate aftermath of bereavement your brain and body are dealing with the enormity of your loss.

Give them time.

Later. When the numbness and pain have started to subside and you feel you might be able to get up, notice a pretty flower, talk to a friend you may find yourself willing to make that decision.

It will probably take months, and months.

ONE PERSON’S EXPERIENCE USING GRATITUDE

Sandy* came to see me after her father died.

His loss was devastating, and she missed him desperately.

She loved writing and I encouraged her to journal her feelings.

One day, about 6 months after her father died, she was journalling and found herself overwhelmed with sadness at her father’s death.

Sandy had practised gratitude for years. At that moment her gratitude habit kicked in and she found herself writing down all the things she was grateful for.

After that she wrote about all the things in her life with her father she was grateful for.

After this exercise she found herself focusing on the happy memories instead of the great loss she had suffered.

She made a conscious decision to remember her father in happy moments in life, not as he died at the end.

Every time she thought of her mother she chose to remember the happy moments.

She practised this so much that she found she automatically remembered the happy moments whenever she thought of her father.

Those happy memories helped her to see the wonderful things about her mother’s life.

She continued to acknowledge her sadness but also to list things about her father that she was grateful for.

Over time she found that instead of focusing on what she had lost, she was able to focus on what she had with her father and to realise her father would always live on in her memories.

She was able to let go of the regrets at the things her father would miss and instead focus on the things her father had.

She reported being so aware of her father always being with her through her memories.

It is possible to come to a place where you can focus on what you had instead of what you lost. Where you can remember the happy times and those memories can become the default ones.

With a decision to change your focus and a generous allowance of time to grieve, it is possible to move into a time of feeling less sad and focus instead on the happy memories.

It is possible, but give yourself time to grieve first.

Sometimes you need help from a qualified and more objective counsellor. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

*please note than whenever I mention someone in my blogs I never use real names and change the circumstances to de-identify the person who has generously given permission for me to use their story in my blog.

My trauma symptoms helped me survive

The effects of trauma can last for weeks, months or years. This is particularly true if the trauma occurred in childhood when major growth in the brain was occurring. This is because trauma affects the way the brain develops.

The impact of trauma can be experienced throughout life, until it is able to be processed. Even then the memory will not necessarily fade, but the impact may.

TRAUMA IS AN UNWANTED FAMILY HEIRLOOM

It is useful to liken trauma to a family heirloom. Family heirlooms tend to be old and may be passed down through the generations. By the time you get them they are often very old, even considered antiques. These items are usually greatly loved sentimentally and valued for their memories.

Trauma can be passed down through the generations too. It may be passed down in the way you were treated growing up, in the way your family related to each other, in the way you were taught to see the world, even in the keeping of secrets within the family.

Unlike family heirlooms, trauma is not something that is valued or loved sentimentally. It is often not acknowledged. But it leaves one massive elephant in the room that is very hard to hide. Although people will try.

TRAUMA’S GREATEST WEAPON IS SHAME

Shame leads people to hide the trauma in the family. This makes it very hard to heal the trauma.

TRAUMA IS FELT THROUGH PHYSICAL SENSATIONS AS WELL AS EMOTIONS AND PERCEPTION

Trauma as it has been experienced by you leaves you with intense physical, perceptual and emotions reactions to things others may feel are nothing important or frightening. These things trigger memories of past experiences. Experiences that are related to the trauma you feel.

The intense physical, perceptual and emotional responses are hard to control because they are stored in part of your memory known as “implicit memory”. These are memories deeply embedded in your memory. Memories of things you are often not aware you have experienced. Memories you have no control over.

They are not stored in conscious and manageable memory. They are stored in subconscious and therefore unmanageable memory.

The constant reactivation of these memories ensure they remain at the top of your memories on a daily, even multiple times daily, basis.

SYMPTOMS OF TRAUMA REACTIVATION

When these memories are reactivated by reminders, referred to as triggers, you are thrown into a fight/flight defence mode.

• You may feel hyperalert and hypervigilant.

• You may be aware of tension in your body.

• Your breath may feel shallow and you may be aware of your heart pounding.

• You may even have horrifying images come to mind, or thoughts warning you of danger.

• You may find yourself inexplicably afraid or angry.

• You may feel pain in parts of your body.

• You may feel isolated and alone.

• You may be aware of being anxious or feel others are against you and unsupportive.

• You may find yourself judging what is happening around you negatively.

• You may have a strong desire to isolate from others.

• You may feel frozen.

• You may find it difficult to say no to people.

• You may feel you have to please people.

• And many more experiences. The list of reactions is endless

TRAUMA SYMPTOMS ARE POORLY UNDERSTOOD

There is not much awareness of what constitutes a trauma symptom.

Many of the symptoms of trauma are not recognised as being trauma related.

Trauma survivors share many symptoms and it is possible for a trauma informed therapist to spot those symptoms.

When I work with people I often see the symptoms that that person may not be aware of.

People may come to see me because of

• difficulties in life

• anxiety

• unmanageable stress

• difficulties in relationships

• depression

• work stress

• feeling numb

• inexplicable pain

• difficulty concentrating

• difficulty making decisions

• difficulty setting boundaries

• and many more symptoms

I AM IMPACTED BY TRAUMA. DOES THAT MAKE ME DEFECTIVE?

When you realise your current difficulties are due to trauma it can lead to your feeling deficient as a person.

Maybe you feel you are weak and not as able to cope with life as others.

But the reality is you survived difficult experiences you could not deal with at the time. So you learned ways to cope, to survive.

TRAUMA SYMPTOMS ARE SURVIVAL ADAPTATIONS

You learned to adapt to the threats and danger. You learned how to cope with being too young to be able to defend yourself, or too powerless to overcome someone stronger or just being trapped.

The behaviours you exhibit now. The way you see the world now. The way you relate to people. The way you perceive the world. All these are ways you adapted to survive.

And survive you have. You learned how to behave, how to keep yourself safe in a situation over which you had no control.

The things you did were wonderful adaptations to help you survive.

I AM SAFE NOW. I WANT THE BEHAVIOURS TO STOP.

Now that you are away from that situation the adaptations are causing difficulties.

This is because you need to learn new behaviours.

It is time to heal from the past and let go of the once helpful but now constricting behaviours. It is time to learn new behaviours.

HOW DO YOU HEAL FROM THE PAST?

The Blue Knot Foundation is a peak body in trauma treatment in Australia. They have produced trauma treatment guidelines that trauma therapists follow in trauma treatment.

These guidelines are world renowned and highly respected.

They involve long term therapy conducted safely by properly qualified trauma therapists.

I have trained extensively with the Blue Knot Foundation and follow their guidelines in my work with trauma survivors.

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS FURTHER?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you heal from your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

9 Issues You May Encounter When You Are Grieving

In my work with grieving people I have found the following issues are very common.

I THINK I SHOULD HAVE MOVED ON BY NOW

What does moving on mean?

When I ask people that question they often cannot answer it.

What does moving on mean to you?

The usual answer I get is that other people feel they should have moved on.

Other people think they are crying too much, or focusing too much on their grief.

Occasionally I may be told “I am fed up with crying”.

The truth is you never “move on”. You just learn to live a new way that incorporates the pain you feel.

There may be factors that prevent you from incorporating that pain.

OTHER FACTORS CAN DEEPEN THE IMPACT OF YOUR GRIEF EXPERIENCE

If you have experienced other losses in your life that you have not been able to process and find a new way to live with the pain, then you will likely find it hard to process your current grief.

If you have experienced trauma in the past you may find it hard to process your emotions.

If you find it hard to regulate your emotions you may find it hard to manage the processing of the emotions associated with your loss.

WHAT WAS THE RELATIONSHIP LIKE?

Are there any unresolved issues?

If there was anything unresolved in the relationship with your loved one it is hard to process the emotions until you resolve the emotions related to that.

Kayla was finding it hard to process the emotions over her father’s death. He was very abusive when she was a small child. The abuse tapered off as she grew through her teenage years but it was never resolved. She thought she had left it behind her and “moved on” from its impacts. But the death of her father left her with the anger of what he had done to her and the regret she had never challenged him on what he had done.

Before Kayla could process the grief over her father’s death, she needed to address the unresolved abuse.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO FIRST

Philip’s daughter died in a skiing accident when she was just 20.

Philip couldn’t shake his distress that he hadn’t died first.

Added to that was the belief that he had failed to protect her. The fact she was skiing with friends and he wasn’t there and that she was an adult who could make her own choices didn’t prevent him from suffering over that belief.

I WAS IN SURVIVAL MODE

Therefore shut down and not experiencing the emotional experience of watching a loved one die.

Emma’s husband of 30 years died after a long illness with cancer. She became so caught up in her concerns for him and the pain he was in that she didn’t experience her own feelings at the time.

I DIDN’T FEEL I HAD PERMISSION TO FEEL THE EMOTIONS

Ben’s brother was the one dying. He was the one who was dying too young and too soon. Ben was struggling to cope with the emotions he was feeling at his own much loved brother dying. He felt he couldn’t ask for help or talk to anyone because his brother was the one dying and deserving all the attention. And his parents were losing their son. Then there was his partner who was also devastated at losing the person they felt was their soul mate.

Ben felt selfish feeling upset and sad.

I WAS LOOKING AFTER MY CHILDREN’S NEEDS

When Corinne’s husband died she felt she had to look after her young children and their needs. She felt she needed to put their need to comprehend and understand their father’s death first. She didn’t allow herself to experience the pain of her own emotions because she wanted to look after her children.

HOW DO I FORM A NEVER ENDING BOND?

John came to see me because he was terrified he would forget his wife. He was frightened that if he stopped feeling the extreme pain of losing her, he would forget her.

When someone we love dies their physical life is over. But the relationship never ends. Some people can resolve and find meaning in that new form of the relationship. Occasionally people don’t. This is known as continuing bonds.

It is now accepted that the bond with the person you love continues after their death. This is why grief never ends. The relationship never ends and the longing for that person’s physical presence never ends.

What John needed was reassurance he would not forget his wife and help to negotiate a new way of relating to his wife that allowed him to continue to live without her, but still have her in his memory.

I DON’T WANT TO SAY GOODBYE

One of the worst things about losing someone you love is having to continue living when they are no longer alive with you.

It is so hard to accept that and feel able to live, to be happy, have fun, have new experiences that your loved one cannot have.

You don’t have to say goodbye. You can still have a relationship with this person. Yes they are dead, but the relationship you had with them is still very much alive. Yes your brain will remove the neurons that connect you to the living person, but not to the memories of your relationship.

You can continue with that person in your life, just not in your physical life.

Live and continue to remember them.

Live and be okay to live.

You don’t have to forget them and you don’t have to say goodbye to them. Just continue with your life and bring their memories with you.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Finding the Real Wonderful You

• Are you finding yourself bored with your life?

• Maybe you feel depressed at how little you feel you achieve?

• Or do you think that compared to other people you life is so unimpressive?

• What can you do to fall in love with your life again?

• What can you do to feel motivated to change?

DO YOU REALLY KNOW YOURSELF?

The first thing is to ask yourself if you really know yourself. This may sound weird but let me explain.

You are a unique individual. At your core, the bit others often don’t see, is a vibrant, curious person. This person is magical and able to express themself in honesty and love. In fact this person is totally lovable.

Sometimes this authentic self is called the Wonder Child. The pure little being born into this world to thrive, survive and achieve as themself.

Life however rarely allows the Wonder Child to be themself. The Wonder Child is bruised and battered by people and events in life.

To protect themself, the Wonder Child hides the parts that they feel are unacceptable to others. This self protection keeps them away from true connection with others through their Authentic Self.

THE WOUNDED CHILD

As the Authentic Self is buried under these layers of protection, what emerges is the Wounded Child.

The Wounded Child knows they must put on a false self to protect themself from hurt and rejection. This becomes a Mask and it is designed to protect from hurt and rejection.

The trouble is that the Mask hides the true Authentic Self. Often you don’t even see the Mask as not being you and you miss out on knowing your Authentic Self.

So you live your life with the Mask that your Wounded Child hides behind as it protects your Authentic Self.

Small wonder you feel bored, depressed and that your lie is completely unimpressive.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT YOUR INAUTHENTIC LIFE?

How can you access your Authentic Self in order to change your life?

Sitting and thinking about it does little to help you. That Mask is very good at covering up those bits that are considered less socially acceptable.

There is a need for much deeper exploration of the unconscious in order to find that Authentic Self again.

HERE IS SOMETHING LEFT FIELD TO TRY

One of the things I encourage people to do is use art to express themselves.

What do I mean by art?

Anything that is spontaneous, creative and allows you to express your authentic self.

This can include:

• Journaling in a dedicated journal

• Drawing in an art journal

• Painting

• Collage

HOW DO I USE CREATIVITY TO FIND THE REAL ME?

The best way to find your authentic self and start the process of change is to spend a few minutes every day doing something spontaneous and creative.

I have already mentioned 4 things you can try but what you do depends on you.

The important thing is to let go and let the real you out to create.

JOURNAL WITH YOUR NON DOMINANT HAND

If you choose to write in a journal, write with your non dominant hand. This will allow you to access more of your mind that writing with your dominant hand.

DRAW OR PAINT

Drawing or painting can be great. Many people particularly love the flow of paint. My personal preference is for watercolour, but sometimes I draw with pencil, crayon or felt tip pens.

A lot of people are frightened of drawing/painting because they feel they can’t draw well. I draw stick figures, unashamedly. This is not about producing a masterpiece; it is about expressing yourself. Squiggles of paint, funny shapes, dots, lines. All these are great ways to express yourself. You need to paint what is inside, for your eyes only.

COLLAGE

If you feel really challenged by drawing or painting then you can try collage. Many people find that really helpful. You just need some magazines/advertising flyers, stickers, scraps of paper. Anything you can find that you can glue to a piece of paper is great.

A 30 DAY CREATIVITY CHALLENGE

One way to challenge yourself is to do this for 30 days. It need only take a few minutes.

• To do this effectively start by bringing yourself to a place of stillness.

• Sit quietly, you can close your eyes or let your eyes not focus on anything.

• As you sit quietly tell yourself you are going to let go of everything in your life at the moment. You could say “Just for this moment I let go of everything”

• Breathe in and out gently. Focus on your breath. After a few breaths take a deep breath into your belly and then gently let it out. Now breathe a few more deep breaths. Continue to focus on your breath. If anything comes into your mind just gently put it to one side. Don’t engage with the thought. Once you have taken a few breaths and you are feeling you have stilled your mind you can move on to the next step.

• While you are still quite and reflective, ask yourself “What do I need to paint/write/draw/collage right now?”

• You could put your hands on the paper and ask the question. You can tell yourself that you are going to express what needs to be expressed.

• Now start. Just put on that paper what feels you feel like. Don’t have a plan. If you feel you want to paint a corner red then paint it red. If you feel you want to draw a smiley face, then draw a smiley face. If you see a picture of a bottle of perfume and you want it on your page, then put it on your page. If you want to write random words in your journal then do that.

• Whatever you put on the paper is the right thing.

• Keep going until you feel you are finished.

• Look at what you have done.

• Does anything about it strike you in some way? It doesn’t have to.

• It is always helpful to put the paper away and look at it later.

• Things you put on the paper that may immediately or over time give you insights.

• You may notice you keep drawing a particular shape, or use certain words. You may find your collages follow a particular theme. You may favour certain colours.

• You may find you look at what you have done and a thought will pop into your head about it. You may find yourself seeing a meaning in the picture.

• Over time you may find more insights in your expression than you realised when you were doing it.

• There is no right and wrong in this.

If you would like to join my Plentiful Life Exploration Facebook group you are welcome to join in a 30 day challenge of expressing yourself daily.

The link for the group is Plentiful Life Exploration | Facebook

I will be kicking the 30 day challenge off next Tuesday 16 August at 4am with a live feed on my Facebook page. You are welcome to join me for that or you can watch it later.

You can post your work on the page and share any insights you have or ask people about any insights they may have in it.

NEED MORE HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you find and heal the authentic you, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

And don’t forget to join my Facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/761908951834983

The Paradoxical Purpose of Grief

Having encountered a lot of grief throughout my life, personally and professionally, I have had ample opportunity to explore the philosophy of grief.

Grief is hard. It is stressful. It involves often months at least of emotions that are turbulent and disruptive. There is a lot of sadness and misery. There are also negative feelings such as anxiety, anger, even guilt. These are all well recognised as being present in grief.

HERE IS A CHALLENGE.

As part of my exploration of grief, I have read a lot of articles looking at grief philosophically.

From a philosophical perspective an exploration of grief and its purpose is not about looking at losing someone/thing we love but looking at how we perceive the grief we feel as a result of this.

Grief is horrible. It is devastating. It is intense. It is also stressful.

The tumultuous emotions of grief include sadness, sorrow, fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, anger and so on.

Here is the difficulty.

DEATH IS INEVITABLE.

You are unlikely to get through life without losing someone you love.

Grief is the inevitable result of the death of someone you love. You grieve because you love and that loved one has died.

Grief is not bad. It is inevitable.

What would your life be like if you didn’t grieve?

What if someone you loved died and you didn’t feel anything?

Isn’t that worse?

We live in a society that is uncomfortable with other people’s emotions. Talking to a grieving friend and having them cry is something most people find hard to handle.

On the one hand you feel at a loss to know what to do to help them. On the other hand you feel uncomfortable. You feel uncomfortable at your friend’s emotions, which you may not usually see. You feel uncomfortable at their pain. It is natural to want to alleviate their pain.

What usually happens is that the response to another person’s grief is to shut them down. To shame them into hiding their grief. You may tell them their loved one is in a better place. You may avoid any discussion of their loved one. You may make their loved one’s name taboo. You may tell them they should be over the grief by now.

Of course, these approaches do not help.

THE PARADOX OF GRIEF

The result is what I have often heard referred to as the paradox of grief. The paradox is the result of two conflicting facts around death:

• Grief feels bad so you should avoid it.

• Grief has a purpose and a value so you need to allow it and be grateful that you can grieve.

Being grateful for grief? How can you be grateful at your loss?

After all you grieve the deaths of the people whose presence in your life have been extremely important. Whose absence will cause you great pain. The loss of someone you built your life around. The loss of someone whose presence in your life gives you identity and fills you with a sense of great value in your life. The loss of someone whose value as part of your past and your projected future is infinite.

13 THINGS TO BE GRATEFUL TO GRIEF FOR.

• It allows you to honour the person who died.

Yes it hurts to feel grief. But if you love someone that much would you want it any other way? Would you want to just get up and get on with life without shedding a tear, or feeling sadness at their loss?

The emotions of grief such as sadness are inevitable. We have lost someone important. Feeling sad is important to honour that.

Likewise sorrow is important in honouring the one you have lost.

• It allows you to rebuild your lost identity.

Losing someone that important in your life also causes a loss of the identity you built around that relationship. So losing that person causes you to lose your identity, to lose part of yourself.

If you don’t grieve, how do you rebuild your identity? What push is there to cause you to seek and build a new identity? Grief supplies that push. Nothing else will.

• It allows you to identify what you have lost.

Sadness and sorrow give you important messages. They allow you to know what you have lost. That may not seem important but they are. It is part of understanding the place that person had in your life.

• It allows you to identify what you want to commemorate in that person.

Part of understanding the place a person had in your life is understanding the things you loved about them. Maybe they are things you admired and would love to emulate. Maybe they are about things they were passionate about. These might inform ways of commemorating them. Maybe that person was the reason you chose a particular path in life.

• It allows you to put your relationship to that person into perspective

Another part of understanding is being able to understand the things you didn’t like about them. Those are important to. They make your loved one human. They help to put them into perspective.

• It allows you to identify important values and ways to rebuild your life,

Fear and anxiety are useful to help us identity the things we value that we may lose. They highlight the areas of life that need to be reimagined.

• It allows you to identify what you need to resolve.

Guilt and shame highlight the unresolved issues that existed in that relationship or occurred around the time of death. They help identify what we need to resolve.

• It allows you to identify unresolved issues in the relationship or around the death.

Anger highlights the hurts and frustrations around that death. It helps you to explore the things that can trap you in your anger.

• It allows you to find a purpose in life.

Anger can also help you to find a new purpose and meaning in life. For example: if your loved one was killed by a driver who was speeding you may find new purpose in your life campaigning against speeding drivers.

• It allows you to understand your loss.

Without the pain of grief it would be virtually impossible to understand your loss.

• It motivates you to process your loss.

Without the pain your would less likely to strive to process what you have lost. You would not struggle to work out how you can continue living in light of that loss.

• It allows you to form a new relationship with the one you have lost.

Without the pain you find it extremely difficult to continue a relationship with the one you have loved.

• It allows you to find a way to live in the future

Without the pain you would find it hard to know how you want to live your life in the future. Grief helps you to understand your values around your loved one’s memory and allow you to make choices going forward. These choices start with decisions around which of their belongings to part with and which to keep, even where to live.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T AVOID GRIEF

Grief is devastating and horrifically painful. You will wish it could end and things could go back to the way they were. But your life will never be the same again. You will not return to the person you once were. Your life will always be tinged with the trace of sadness at who is physically missing from your life.

Despite this, life is possible. You can go on. You can find a way to live. You can be happy.

This terrible tangle of emotions contained in grief help you to recognise the things you value in your life. This allows you to rework your identity moving forward in life.

As a result of your grief you will develop a clearer understanding of who you are. It will give you the tools to live your life without your loved one.

Grief gives you the power that allows you to adapt to your loss.

SUPPORT IS OKAY TO SEEK

As you move through grief you sometimes you the support of a counsellor to help you with that process. You need someone who understands grief, does not pathologise it, and will listen.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au