Should I view the body of my loved one?

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This is a question I get asked a lot.

There are differing opinions about this.

Some say you should never view the person because you should remember them as they were.

Others say it is important to view the person to be able to realise they are actually dead.

So what should you do?

When I was a nurse I saw many people die and had the privilege of washing their bodies after death. Some people I never saw alive, they died before I was able to meet them. But I still washed their bodies with the reverence of someone I had nursed for some time.

I saw people die in terrible pain. In beds messy from their discomfort. I felt the atmosphere of the room as they died. Sometimes their families were able to be with them. Sometimes the end came so suddenly the family was not there.

One blessing I was able to give the families, was to see their loved one lying peacefully in clean sheets with a peaceful atmosphere in the room. That is how I wanted to see my loved ones who died.

When my grandmother died, no one looked at her body. That was my first encounter with death and I wished I had been able to see her looking peaceful. Instead I had a memory of her lying in her clothes on the floor with her teeth out as I tried to resuscitate her.

When my grandfather died I asked to see his body. I had not been there for his death and I wanted to see him. I was glad I did, although the funeral home had coloured his grey hair black and it did not look like him. It meant a lot to me and still does.

When my mother died I was able to see her in the palliative care unit before her body was taken away. I saw her again in the funeral home because other relatives wanted to see her. It was helpful to see her. And this time the funeral directors left her hair white!

When my father died I was not even told. So I never got to see him or say goodbye.

Different experiences and different outcomes.

My father was forced to see a dead relative when he was a child and he was traumatised by it. For that reason, he was not supportive of anyone in the family seeing a dead relative. He was opposed to seeing any loved one after death.

I saw many families come to visit their loved one in hospital and saw the comfort it gave.

I have seen beautiful things done at funerals when the children affected are encouraged to write or draw something for their loved one and put it in their coffin.

I have heard from people who do not ever want to see their loved one dead. I have also heard from people who found great comfort in seeing their loved one dead.

I have seen people who wanted to view their loved one and were talked out of it. I have heard their regret at not being able to see them and now it is too late.

Ultimately, it is your choice. The difficulty lies with those who seek to convince you that you should or shouldn’t see your loved one. It is important to remember that the arguments presented to you are about the person who speaks the argument and their feelings. They are not about your feelings.

If you are facing that difficult choice. It is best to seek time alone to connect with yourself. To think about what you really want and to listen to your instinct. If you feel it is important to view your loved one. Then do it. If you find it hard to do alone, then find someone who is supportive and bring them along too.

If you have children you would like to be involved in a viewing, it is wise to ensure they talk about their loved one before you go in. Be open. Talk about what the loved one meant to you and encourage them to talk about that to. It can be wonderful for them to draw or write something, or find some little memento to put in the coffin. They may want to put flowers, a picture, a drawing or some other item in the coffin. Model by your behaviour the respect you wish them to have for your loved one and ways to grieve. Give the children a chance to talk about the loved one during the viewing and afterwards. If a child decided they do not want to come in or approach the coffin, let them. Just give them space and time. They may decide after a little while to come closer, or they may be content just knowing they can. It is always important they are given an opportunity to talk about their loved one later. The first death a child encounters will teach them much about how to grieve. So be open with them. Encourage them to talk about the person. Reassure them that you are hurting, but that doesn’t mean they can’t talk to you. Let them see you cry. Let them see you happy. Reassure them that they may want to cry or may want to be happy too. Remember that children keep a lot of what they think hidden so it is important to allow them space to talk if they need to. For both you and the children, don’t be afraid to engage with a counsellor if any of you need that.

As for the viewing, remember, funeral homes have a room set aside for a viewing. These rooms are quiet and peaceful and the funeral staff are very respectful and very aware of your needs. There is usually somewhere quiet you can sit afterwards as well.

Whatever choice you make, be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to take time out to grieve when you need it.

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