PLC Blog – Plentiful Life Counselling Blog

Is That Drink You Just Have To Have, A Lot, Worrying You? Or The Cigarettes You Just Can’t Give Up? This Is Why You Are Likely To Need Counselling Help To Stop.

Research over many decades has shown that trauma in childhood has impacts that extend throughout childhood into adulthood. These impacts include poor mental health, substance abuse and addiction, as well as physical health impacts.

The Impact Of Trauma On Addiction

Extensive research has proven that people who experience trauma during childhood are more likely to be addicted to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs later in life.

What is trauma? Trauma as referred to in this blog is psychological harm to a person caused by experiences that are a significant threat to the individual or others close to them. Trauma can be emotional, physical, sexual abuse, an addicted parent, natural disasters and serious accidents.

What Is Addiction? What Does Trauma Have To Do With It?

Addiction can take many forms and cover a range of behaviours. For example, people who regularly consume alcohol may not be considered alcoholic, but their dependence on alcohol to feel more relaxed, less socially awkward or cope with stress reveals reliance on alcohol that fits the definition of addiction.

With the recent increase in vaping, including a dramatic increase in teens who vape, there has been a recognition of vaping as another concerning form of addiction.

Research looking at teens who vape has shown that the majority were exposed to trauma below the age of 12.

This is consistent with research looking at teens who drink alcohol, smoke tobacco or use other drugs.

The Dangers Of Physically Addictive Substances

Many substances people take are not physically addictive. This means that once the psychological need for the substance is attended to, the person can manage without the substance.

Other substances are physically addictive. This means that trying to stop using the substance will result in more difficult physical cravings as well as psychological ones. Nicotine is one of the most physically addictive substances people take.

Cigarettes and Vapes contain nicotine. Although vapes are by law banned from containing nicotine, around 99% of vapes confiscated in Australia have been found to contain nicotine.

It Can Take Many Attempts To Overcome Your Addiction To Nicotine

Nicotine is an extremely addictive substance that is physically addictive as well as psychologically addictive. It takes less nicotine for a teenager to be addicted than for an adult. Also their brains respond with stronger cravings when seeking to stop.

Anyone addicted to nicotine will struggle to quit. The strong physical cravings and the trauma that led to the addiction in the first place are strong barriers to quitting.

It can take many attempts to stop before the addict is able to stop.

The Importance Of Counselling In Overcoming Addiction

As an addict you will be better able to stop if you receive counselling support and nicotine replacement therapy.

The importance of counselling support is learning how to cope with feelings that have been self medicated, often for years, with alcohol, cigarettes and other substances.

Why Families And Social Environments Are Not Suitable Supports

Trauma most often occurs in the family and social environments. Many people start using substances as teenagers, modelling their behaviour on the coping behaviours of the adults in their lives.

Instead of learning healthy ways of dealing with the stress of the trauma, unhealthy ways are learned and passed down through the generations.

Self-Medicating and Brain Development

Using these addictive substances is known as self-medicating. You have a drink and feel calmer, you smoke or vape and feel you can manage things better and so on.

All of these addictive substances physically damage the body, as well as causing harm to the brain.

Neuroscientists studying the impacts of this self-medicating report that it causes damage to the developing brain of teenagers and results in the brain not developing properly. This is more damaging than damage to existing brain structures as occurs in adulthood because it prevents part of the brain developing.

So it is important to stop

Why The Ideal Supports Are Not Ideal

Ideally, stopping using an addictive substance would involve support from family and friends. For many people this support will not happen because this is the source of their trauma and learned unhealthy coping behaviours.

For this reason, counselling support is essential so that you can process and heal from the trauma and learn healthy coping strategies to replace the addictive substance.

There is also a possibility that if you stop your addiction to a substance without treating the underlying trauma that has caused it, you may switch to another substance of addiction.

Trauma, Stress and Addiction

It is also known that trauma has an impact on the development of the brain. Trauma can result in brain changes that lead to greater impulsivity and risk taking behaviour. This doesn’t apply to everyone who has encountered trauma, but is frequently seen.

Far more common is the impact trauma has on the brain’s ability to manage stress. Someone with a trauma history is more likely to be more reactive to stress and less able to cope with it.

If you add the damage to the brain by addiction to the damage caused by trauma then it is really problematic for you.

It is possible to learn how to manage stress, but for this you need a qualified counsellor.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your problem drinking or smoking/vaping, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Grace, An Unspoken Part Of Healing After Grief.

The concept of grace was discussed by a bereaved mother recently. She described the healing from grief as reaching a point of grace.

She contended that grief and grace cannot be rushed, but so many try to rush the unfolding of grief and try to rush others.

She spoke of people in her church trying to rush her through her grief.

They told her God had a plan and wanted her to buy into that story.

They told her that her child was in a better place and wanted her to buy into that story.

Not surprisingly she was devastated. Her life was shattered. She felt isolated in her grief.

Her well-meaning friends and church community isolated her further. She resented their efforts to make her grief neat and rapid.

She wasn’t ready to consider those stories, or any others that people presented to her.

She just wanted to sit in her grief. To experience it. To allow it to devastate her and to heal her. She wanted to become familiar with its landscape and be unafraid to walk away from it and return when she needed to.

For her grace is the point in grief where she was able to be comfortable with her son’s death. Not like the fact he died but no longer hurt as much, to feel a sense of acceptance that this had happened.

She described reaching that point as graced acceptance.

In the process of reaching that point she joined other communities who had more understanding of death and didn’t feel threatened by the devastation and desolation of death.

She found sharing her grief with others was healing. The act of intentionally stepping aside to be with those grief groups was a wonderful antidote to the desolation she was experiencing.

In these groups the talk was more about how to look after herself than justifying his death.

Back in the real-world people were still pressuring her to rush that healing, to rush finding that point of grace. She was exhorted to rush reaching the point of acceptance. But she was not ready.

What she found as time went on is that acceptance comes when it is ready. You cannot rush reaching that point. If you try to all you do is suppress the pain.

Pain needs to be journeyed with, felt, and learned to live with.

That is where grace comes in. To reach that point of being comfortable with the new landscape.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Experience Of Children Who Lose Their Homes Traumatically

For many years it has been recognised that children cope better with traumatic situations if their parents are able to manage well with the situation and are able to maintain a reasonably stable environment for them.

This is why after disasters there is a push for all people, but especially children, to get back to a routine as soon as possible.

We Are All At Risk When Our Routines Are Disrupted

It is easy when we are safe in our homes with access to food, water, shelter, medical care and support networks to be unaware of the impact of losing all that.

But when you have to leave your home, or it is destroyed, all that changes.

Health, both physical and mental, breaks down very quickly when you no longer are able to protect yourself from the impacts of weather, when you cannot find food or have no water.

Children Are More Vulnerable

For the child in this situation there is more vulnerability.

It is very common for families to become separated, and to face life threatening conditions in these situations.

Even after the child is able to find alternative housing, the mental health impacts continue.

Sub heading What Does This Have To Do With Me?

It is important that you, as a member of the Australian community, are aware of the needs of others in the community.

Untreated trauma impacts on the entire community.

• It impacts on the growing child’s ability to live a productive life.

• It impacts on their behaviour and can lead to anti social behaviour.

All Children Can Be Impacted by Trauma

Children impacted by Domestic Violence, especially those who have to flee dangerous situations and have to remain on high alert as the Justice and Family Law systems fail to protect them adequately from a dangerous family member, are exposed to serious trauma.

Children impacted by large scale natural disasters such as bushfires, cyclones and flooding are also exposed to a level of trauma.

What Trauma Challenges Do Children Face?

• Loss and separation: Children lose their homes, the safe framework of their lives initially. They can be exposed to violence, abuse, exploitation, loss of family members, loss of friends, loss of familiar faces, loss of community.

• Uncertainty and instability: The familiar structure of their home and community is lost. Everything familiar has been disrupted or is gone. Prior to this the child has been able to feel secure in the reliability of routines and activities. Things they may have been able to do before, such as explore their world and play in the park or with friends, are no longer possible to do.
Boundaries and routines give children security and a feeling of safety. When they are disrupted, children don’t feel safe. In these situations parents remaining calm can help children feel safer. Things may not be the same but parents are still a reassuring presence that the child feels can keep them safe.

• Financial and Social Coping: Families who have had to leave their homes often struggle financially. It is hard for parents to meet the needs of the family. This leads to Parents struggling with self-regulation in very stressful situations.

Children often feel they must share responsibility for supporting the family. Parents who struggle may not realise this is happening. Children who feel responsible in this way can become overwhelmed and feel very disempowered.

Short Term Effects of Trauma on Children

Intense anxiety, sadness, difficulty sleeping and disorientation is most commonly experienced by children in these situations.

Starting at a new school is difficult.

When the children have to move frequently, as can be the case with Domestic Violence, there is the stress of having to start new schools frequently. Academically it can be hard to keep up with the year group. This can lead to diminished self worth.

Long Term Effects of Trauma on Children

Intense anxiety can over time give way to chronic anxiety. Depression is also likely. Trust and attachment are major casualties of this type of trauma and children can continue to struggle with this.

Forming a stable identity is impacted by repeated moves.

Children will often feel they don’t belong anywhere and feel different and alienated from those around them.

What Can The Family Do To Support Children and Each Other?

A healthy family structure with at least one safe adult is a vital asset for traumatised children.

• Stability and routine: Family is part of the safe structure of a child’s life. Good family routines create a safer, more predictable environment. Children feel more secure and safe.

• Emotional support: Healthy families support each other. Children know where they can go to for support and reassurance.

• Modelling Coping Strategies: As mentioned earlier, when parents are able to model good coping strategies and provide a sense of routine, children feel safer. They also learn healthy ways to cope with difficult situations.

Helping Your Child

Get mental health help early. For you and your child.

Be aware of the long term effects of trauma. There will likely be a need to seek mental health help later as well.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you and your children to process the trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

13 Things To Remember When With A Grieving Person

In the past year a lot of my friends have lost their partners. Others have lost family members. Others have lost pets. Not a week has gone by without hearing of a death.

There have been a lot of funerals and a lot of tears.

There has also been resilience and healing.

With one friend whose dog had died I found myself falling into the trap of telling her about my own dog dying because I wanted to console her feeling of guilt at not having acted fast enough to end her dog’s suffering.

That was the wrong thing to do. I didn’t even get to the point of the story before she had quite rightly switched off.

Christmas brought communications from overseas friends and more notifications of deaths.

This got me thinking. Even the most grief trained and educated, when not in our formal roles, can slip up when supporting those who are grieving.

For this reason I decided my first blog of 2025 would be about things we need to remember when with someone who has been bereaved.

Be Mindful

One of the most important things to remember is to be mindful of what you are saying and thinking.

Maintaining awareness of what is happening for you and what you are hearing is very important.

Couple that awareness with questioning. In your mind be curious about your responses and whether they are for you, or the person who is bereaved.

My example of wanting to reassure my friend that she didn’t need to feel guilty about not acting fast enough to end her dog’s suffering is a good one here.

How could I word my reassurance in a way that met her needs? Not mine.

Why did I need to reassure her? Was it for her or because I needed the reassurance myself?

Did she need reassurance? This leads me to my next reminder.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Often when supporting another person you can draw on your own experience to decide what support they need. That is quite normal.

It is always important to be aware that what you needed in a similar situation is not necessarily what the other person needs now.

If the person tells you something, for example “I feel guilty I didn’t take my dog to the vet earlier” then it is okay to offer support around that.

If they didn’t say that but you think that might be how they are feeling then ask them. For example. “from what you are saying I was wondering if you felt guilty you didn’t take the dog to the vet earlier”. They can say yes or no. If yes then you may ask if they would like to talk about that.

Don’t rush in with fix it statements (see heading fix it).

Don’t Offer Sympathy.

Often a person’s story of grief is a big, distressing story. Sometimes it is a very traumatic story.

Don’t get caught up in the story and suffer with that person.

This is sympathy and it can lead to you being very unhelpful.

Instead offer empathy. Listen from a slight emotional distance. This is where mindfulness is important. Listen with that understanding that you are hearing the other person’s story but you are not part of it. This allows you to hear their pain but not immerse yourself in it as well where you are no help to them.

One of my lecturers described the difference between sympathy and empathy with the following analogy:

Do You Jump In The Hole or Put Down a Rope?

My lecturer described sympathy as encountering someone stuck in a hole.

You race to jump in the hole with them. Then you find you are stuck there too. Neither of you can get out.

For the person in the hole, they need to get out, not have someone else there too who they may have to care for as well.

Empathy is seeing the person in the hole and letting a rope down into the hole so they can climb out. You offer them the acknowledgement of their predicament and listen to them. Then you help them to climb out of that hole where they can be outside the hole with the security of someone who is caring and comforting but not drowning in their pain.

Don’t Try to ‘fix’ it

There are many reasons people try to “fix” another person’s grief.

One is that is how they learned as children, watching adults in their life offer platitudes or tell the bereaved person what they should do and how they should feel.

Another is that death is uncomfortable, as is distress. If you are sitting with someone who has been bereaved you are experiencing the shock of the death, the reality of death.

It is an uncomfortable feeling.

Most of us learn as children to run from discomfort or shut it down. And the response to an uncomfortable situation like this is to shut it down.

Another source of discomfort is being in the presence of someone who is distressed. More uncomfortable feeling to shut down.

The tendency is to tell the person to look on the bright side. As if that bright side is the solution to all the pain of grief.

These “fix” it bright side shutdowns include comments like:

• He is in a better place.

• You can always have another child.

• So good you are able to remain together.

• He wouldn’t have wanted to suffer.

It is better to say “I don’t know what to say, but I care and I want to be here for you.”

The Funeral May Be Over But The Grief Is Not

Rushing people to “be over” their grief is incredibly unhelpful and also very ignorant.

Just because the funeral is over does not mean the person is “over” the death. You never get over someone’s death. You learn to live with it, to accept it has happened, but the pain never goes away.

This leads me to my next point. No two grief journey’s are the same.

Don’t Compare

You may have been bereaved yourself. Or you may have other friends who have been bereaved.

It is important to remember that no two people grieve the same and no two bereavements lead to the same grieving.

This means that every one you encounter will grieve differently, even if it is for the same person. It also means that if someone you know has different bereavements they will grieve differently for each one.

One of the ways comparison manifests is to tell your own story to the bereaved person.

It is an easy trap to fall into.

You are not necessarily deliberately comparing, but that is what is amounts to.

My story of the friend grieving her dead dog is a case of inadvertent comparison.

Subtitle The Golden Rule – Never Bring Your Own Experience In Unless You Are Asked.

For the grieving person, your telling your own story is deflecting their pain that they just trusted you enough to share with you, and making it about you.

That may not have been your intent, but that is what happens.

Just acknowledging the other person’s feelings and how difficult it is gives more support than trying to tell your own story.

The Concept of Ring Theory

This is a concept that was developed by psychologists Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.

The grieving person is in the centre of a circle composed of rings.

The next ring outside that person is their closest people, usually a partner. The next ring is family and close friends, then less close friends, acquaintances, and people they don’t know but may come across.

The person in the centre can say anything to those in the circles around them. They can say how sad they are, express frustration, anger, desolation.

The people in the other rings can only offer comfort inwards. That means they can comfort anyone in the rings inside their own, especially the grieving person.

If a person wants to express their own feelings and ask questions, they can only do that to those in rings outside their own.

Support can only be offered to those in rings inside your own.

In other words Support goes in and expressing your own issues goes out.

This is really helpful to remember when interacting with a grieving person.

Don’t Judge

No matter how the person died, no matter what sort of person they were, don’t judge them to those who are grieving them.

This happens often with death by suicide, or accidents where the person was drunk or under the influence of drugs.

It doesn’t matter how the person died. What matters is that those who loved them are hurting. What matters also is that this person, who was full of life, is now dead.

Life is precious and the loss of life is the loss of something very precious. Never forget that when you encounter deaths such as that.

Always Say Their Name Where Culturally Appropriate

It can be hard to talk about someone who has died.

For you this may be painful.

It can also feel uncomfortable to say their name.

You may be afraid of hurting the person who is grieving.

From my experience of grief, and that of friends, it means so much more to hear their name mentioned. To have people talk about them and the things they did.

Don’t be frightened to mention them by name and talk about them. You can always check in first if it is okay to do that.

Be mindful that in some cultures you don’t mention the dead one’s name.

No Empty Platitudes

I have already mentioned empty platitudes. The ones like “They are in a better place”, “You can always have another one” and so on.

When you first learn of someone’s death it is okay to say how sorry you are. Initially, that is all the grieving person is able to cope with.

In time however, if they start talking about their loved one don’t be afraid to say more.

If you are unsure what to say you may tell them you don’t know how to talk about this, that you don’t want to hurt them, that you want them to tell you if you get it wrong. Then listen.

No Seeking More Detail Or Sensationalising The Situation.

It is better not to ask how the person died, or details of how they died if you know the cause of death.

When I counsel grieving people I don’t necessarily seek to know how their loved one died unless it is important. Even then I ask if they mind telling me about their death.

You don’t need to know all the details.

For the grieving person, rehashing the details can be very painful.

People usually know when you have asked out of curiosity or because you care.

To be asked out of curiosity is incredibly painful and isolating.

One thing that is often overlooked is how traumatic it is to be bereaved. When you are with someone who is grieving you need to remember there is the pain of grief and the trauma of their death. Both need to be processed and healed.

Summary

Be careful to use empathy when supporting those who are grieving.

Be mindful of what you are thinking and what you want to say. Ask yourself before saying anything if it is helpful for the grieving person. If it isn’t then don’t say it.

Don’t seek extra information unless they are offering it to you. Sometimes people want to talk about the death, other times not.

Allow space and time for grief to play out.

Remember Ring Theory, offer comfort to those in circles inside your own circle.

If you find someone else’s grief brings up pain for you then seek counselling.

If you are grieving yourself and need help, then seek counselling.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your own grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my
newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

9 Steps To Surviving Grief At Christmas

When you are grieving December can be so difficult. Everywhere and everything is Christmas.

Advertising, social media posts, the shops, friends with Christmas Parties and Christmas Greetings, Community events. Everywhere there is the suggestion of a joyous time with company, mostly family, and a great time to be experienced.

People are exhorted to be happy and any suggestion of not feeling happy or not wanting to celebrate is greeted with derision and suggestions of Bah Humbug.

When you are grieving, especially when this is the first Christmas since your loss, it can be so painful. So difficult to experience when your whole existence is crying out in pain.

Rubbing Salt Into The Wound

This time of year often carries the stab of pain at every reminder that you are missing someone in your world. The reminder that this Christmas will be without that person. It is like rubbing salt into the wound of your grief.

There may be pressure on you at this time of year to not express your sorrow. You may be told it is not fair to those who want to enjoy the season. But what is fair for you?

Mourning Is An Important Survival Strategy

Mourning is important at any time of year. It allows you to express your grief in ways that allow you to process it.

It is likely that the way to survive this time of year is to mourn. You may not want to be sad at a time you may previously have been very happy, but if sad is your current reality then sad it will be.

Here Are Things You Can Do To Help You Survive Christmas And The New Year.

Give yourself permission to grieve.
Also give yourself permission to enjoy the day and have fun, even if only for brief periods of the day. You are not dishonouring the one you lost but experiencing moments of joy and happiness within your grief.
Acknowledge your grief and pain.
This may involve doing something to honour the memory of the one you loved.
Also vital is to be willing to be honest about what you need this Christmas.

You may not want to observe all the activities your family traditionally participated in.

You may not want to have a big Christmas as you usually do. You may want to be alone, or have only a few people around. Some people go on holidays so that they aren’t home. Other people always set a seat at the table for the one who is gone.
The most important thing for you to do before making plans is to check in with yourself. How are you? Do you already have thoughts about what you want to do?
Make a plan
Don’t wing it this year. Take the time to sit down and decide what will be best for you and your mourning.
Research has shown that those who plan for important days cope with those days better than those who don’t plan. Making a plan doesn’t mean you will carry it out, but it gives you something to focus on.
In your plan include the one you lost. Include their name, memories of them, stories about them. You may be in a group and openly talk about them or you may be alone reminiscing. If you are in a group organise with some in the group to back you up in case others in the group try to shut you down (usually due to their discomfort).
Have a Plan B as well as a Plan A.
You may plan in advance to be with other people at the Christmas celebration. But closer to the day you may realise you can’t do it.

This is where Plan B comes in. Have a backup plan of what you will do if you can’t proceed with Plan A.

Plan B may involve plans to spend the day alone and how you will spend that day.
It may involve going to the Plan A activity but leaving after a short while there. Plan B may also involve just cancelling Christmas and not doing anything to mark the day. If you do that remember that you will not be able to escape the reminders that it is Christmas and plan how you will manage that.

Whatever you decide, be okay with it. Let go of the need to honour traditions because not honouring them may impact on other people. Your needs need to be honoured.
If You Plan To Be With Others at Christmas Be Okay With That.
Not everyone wants to be alone at Christmas. Some people draw comfort from the festivities, even if they are reminders of the one who is gone.
If you plan to be alone organise something you will do.
This doesn’t mean you have to be ‘busy’ with solo activities. It just means you have a plan for how you will spend the day.
Create new traditions.
You may want to visit the place their remains are interred. You may want to donate to a charity in their name. You may play a game or watch a movie they particularly loved. You may light a candle for them. You may set a place for them at the table. There are myriad ways you can acknowledge them. The only limit is your imagination.
Acknowledge that it is Christmas.
You can also plan to pretend the day doesn’t exist when you get to it, but make sure it is planned. Be mindful that your inner experience is one of celebrating this time of year and ignoring it is often difficult. Will you be okay if your decision to ignore Christmas doesn’t work?
Have a support network.
Your support network includes people who listen without judgement or giving advice.

How Do You Make Your Plan?

• Allow time to formulate your plan.

• First reflect on how you have celebrated Christmas in the past. Were there things done every year? Will they continue? How will you cope if they continue, or don’t continue?

• Make a list of those traditions.

• Decide what you want to do with those Christmas traditions.

• Make a list of those you want to participate in and why.

• Make a list of those you feel you just can’t face doing this year and why.

• Make another list of traditions you might observe and why.

• Writing down your reasons for continuing or pausing traditions helps you to clarify how you feel about them.

• Think of ways you can honour the one you are grieving both in things you already do at Christmas and in new ways. Do you want to honour this person with others or on your own?

• Give yourself permission to grieve and to cry. Also give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, to attend to your own needs.

A checklist to making a plan.

 List what you normally do at this time of year. This includes things such as buying presents, sending Christmas cards, cooking food, visiting people, attending Christmas parties and so on.

 Make another list of the things your family traditionally does at Christmas. This includes meeting for meals, visiting each other, going places, special traditions you follow, present giving and so on.

 When you have made that list ask yourself
? Do I Feel Like Doing it?
? Can I skip it this year? Why or Why Not?
? Can someone else do this for me or help me?
? If I feel I need to do something Why do I need to do it?
? Can anything make a task or obligation easier?
? How can I bring the memory of the one I am grieving into these activities?
? What new traditions can I create to honour their memory and what they meant to me?

Following these guidelines will help you to understand what you need and want this year. Remember plans are not set in concrete. You can always choose not to follow them.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: https://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Trauma That Impacts On Your Mental Health

Trauma is something that seriously impacts you to the point that when in the traumatic situation you were worried about your safety, that of others or those around you. You may even experience potential loss of life or potential severe injury. These events permanently alter your perception of safety.

Trauma can be any disturbing experience. The trauma aspect is that you experience significant fear, feelings of helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings that are intense enough to continue over a period of time to have a negative impact on your attitudes, behaviour and other aspects of normal functioning.

When you feel you are in, or about to go into a, threatening situation you develop intense feelings of fear and anger. Other indicators that you are experiencing a perceived threat include shifts in attention, shifts in perception and changes in emotion. These feelings are caused by your brain going into a “fight or flight response.”

How Trauma Shows Up For You

Trauma can manifest itself in various ways. Some people can experience depression and intense sadness. Others may feel helpless and powerless.

One of the most common impacts of trauma is hypervigilance. This is where you constantly scan your surroundings, communications with other people, even interactions out of the home for potential threats to your safety.

Hypervigilance is part of your fight or flight response. This constant scanning for danger.

When you are in a hypervigilant state you will be anxious and may experience sweating and elevated heart rate.

Intense Sadness

It is very common to experience intense sadness and disconnection after a traumatic event.

The event has challenged your sense of safety and often you feared harm or even death as the outcome.

Not surprisingly it can feel very unreal and disconnected after such an event. You have lost a sense of safety in your life and this is a loss that you need to adjust you.

Any loss is something to grieve. As I relate in my blogs on grief. That carries a lot of adjustments and takes time to incorporate the event into your future life.

Allow yourself time to experience that sadness. Allow all the feelings associated with that to be experienced.

If you are having trouble coping with those feelings, an appointment with a trauma trained counsellor is a good idea.

Hypervigilance.

When you have experienced a traumatic event you are going to be primed to watch out for a similar event. That is totally normal. It is how your brain works to protect you.

Having lost a sense of safety and trust in the safeness of your world, your brain is going to be working hard to ensure your safety.

This means constantly being on the lookout for danger.

You may well find yourself preoccupied with searching for safety when you need to attend to something or someone else.

A great example is my daughter’s dog. She is quite nervy. When she sees a threat (usually a larger dog) she freezes. She won’t even accept treats until the danger is passed. She loves treats so that shows how strong the fight flight response is. All focus is on safety and being ready to run or fight. There is no space in that response for eating or normal conversation.

Someone who is constantly hypervigilant finds it very hard focusing on their work and getting things done.

Helplessness

Many people feel they have no control over what happens to them.

When trauma is experienced in childhood that child is very disempowered and develops learned helplessness. Many people never grow out of that learned helplessness as they grow into adulthood.

One of the biggest tasks in treating trauma is to empower you to be able to develop a sense of being able to solve issues in life.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma healing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

I heard your Voice in The Wind Today

By Tim Edds

I heard your voice in the wind today
And I turned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
As I stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today
As its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
And my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane
As I watched the falling rain;
It seemed as each raindrop fell
It quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today
It made me feel complete;
You may have died…but you are not gone
You will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines…
The wind blows…
The rain falls…
You will live on inside of me forever
For that is all my heart knows.

The silent grief of infertility

Many girls grow into adulthood dreaming of that some day when they will have a child. For most, this dream becomes a reality. For some they decide they don’t want children. For others the timing is never right and that is a loss to deal with. For those that remain, there is the desire and opportunity to have a child and the torture that involves month after month of trying and not falling pregnant.

Infertility is a terrible loss.

There is such grief and pain at not having that which you most desire, a pregnancy and a baby at the end of it.

Trying to swallow the hurt when a friend happily announces that they are pregnant. You are happy for them but you wish it was you. And that hurts so much.

Then there is the nosy relative, friend, neighbour who asks you when you are going to start a family. You don’t want to tell them you are trying. That you want nothing more than a baby. That that pregnancy is just not happening.

This is a grief that doesn’t easily resolve. There is always the hope that maybe this month you will succeed. That this round of IVF will work. That dreams can come true.

Infertility is rarely openly discussed. It may be talked about in connection with IVF. But even those undertaking IVF rarely talk about it, not until after the baby.

It is a silent pain that goes on until all hope is gone and you then start the slow process of grieving for the baby you will never have.

Infertility impacts men as well

For men there is that dream of having a child as well. For a man whose partner is trying to fall pregnant this is also painful for them. Both want a child and that child is not happening.

It is important to include men in the pain of infertility as well.

A Poem About Infertility

Below is a poem about Infertility that says more than I can say in this blog:

Being thrilled when your friends and family are pregnant; but crumbling inside
By Elizabeth Wilfong

Infertility is
A void
An incompleteness
A feeling of failure
An incomplete family
Tears, so many tears
Living your life in two week increments
Buying the house with an extra bedroom, just in case
Peeing in cups and on sticks. So much pee. So many sticks
Squinting for that line. There’s never a line.
Doctors. Medical tests. Medical bills. Insurance fights.
Hoping that pimple is because of pregnancy hormones
Praying that your hormones are a mess because you’re pregnant – and not because you’re about to get your period
Being thrilled when your friends and family are pregnant; but crumbling inside
Pills and shots, sometimes. A lot of times
Being sad. So sad. Even though what you really have is so much love that is saved up for a little human.
“Does your son want a sibling?”
“When are you going to start your family?”
Redefining your understanding of family
Feeling bad that you want more than what you have
If you have a child, not wanting them to think they aren’t enough. They are. But, you have this love to give
Saving nursery ideas, just in case
That glass or two or three of wine after a negative test
So many negative tests
Wondering if your dreams have an expiration date
Names that go unused
Hand me downs that never get handed down
Why is this silent?

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief Can’t Be Hurried Along

A few years I met a young woman in her mid 20s. I will call her Anna.

Anna came to see me after her mother’s death.

Journalling Her Experience

Anna was very articulate and used to writing. So she journalled her experiences with grief.

Initially she explored the unique language and texture of grief.

She realised the sorrow she felt was unique and was an experience unlike any other she had ever encountered.

Ways To Cope Are Not Always Helpful

To cope with what she was experiencing she increased her alcohol intake and frantically researched everything she could find on death, bereavement, loss of a parent and so on. Actually, anything she could find about death she feverishly read.

She learned about Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s now outdated stages of grief. She learned about the physical symptoms of grief, she learned about what happens in the brain when someone you love dies. She read of the myriad ways people found to manage their grief.

Grief Can’t Be Forced To Go Away

Anna felt that information she found gave her mastery over her grief. That she could control it and nicely slot it away where it wouldn’t bother her again.

The one thing she wanted to avoid was the disempowering crying, the feeling of numbness, the sorrow that overwhelmed everything. Anything that did not leave her feeling joyful she shoved into the background, behind the locked door with the “never to be opened” sign on it.

She believed she was at peace and was moving on.

Reality Always Comes Back To Bite You

Then she ran into an old friend who was in a distraught state. He told her that his mother had died a few weeks earlier. He was struggling to get out of the house and today was his first time out. He was struggling and just wanted to get back to the safely of home.

This really hit her hard and she had to rush to the safety of home where she could cry despairingly and lock herself away from the world.

She realised she was not over her grief.

The Faulty Belief You Should Be Over Your Grief After The Funeral

But she believed she should be. All the research she had done, all the people who offered her platitudes over the grief said she should be bouncing back now.

She felt deep shame that she wasn’t over it. “There must be something wrong with me, I must be mentally ill, I will never get over this.” Try as she might she could not force the grief away, it just amplified.

Learning The Reality Of Living With Grief

When she came to see me I was able to teach her what her research had missed. The reality of living with grief. The science around the latest research.

She learned that Grief cannot be told what to do. That grief won’t go away just because you want it to.

She learned that roaring at Grief led to Grief roaring back.

And she learned that no amount of alcohol would make it go away or make it feel better.

Make Grief Your Friend

Anna learned she had to befriend grief and allow it to guide her, gently, through the darkness and confusion until she had learned how to continue life with grief there as a companion.

She learned not to fight grief, but rather to allow it to lead her, to submit to it

She learned to accept the reminder in grief of the unknowningness and uncertainty of life. That these things are terrifying. That we cope with them by telling ourselves that life is organised and we know what is going to happen next.

Until the unexpected happens.

Grief Is A Burden You Learn To Carry

In the end Anna decided to see her grief as a heavy burden that she planned in time to lift high above her head and celebrate life amongst loss. She decided to see grief as a privilege that belongs to those who have loved and lost.

She acknowledged that grief would now be her constant companion. That each new loss would add to that companion and she would have to learn again how to lift grief high above her head.

She learned to accept the uncertainty of life and to be okay with that.

She realised grief will take as long as it needs before you can learn to carry it moving forward in life. And she was okay with that.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

R U OK Day: Financial Stress and Retirement

Financial Stress

There is stigma around Financial Issues.

For more years than I want to remember my little family struggled financially. There were many times when one of my children was sick and I had to raid moneyboxes and search through pockets to find the money to pay the gap fee from the doctor. And when it came to affording medicines! Well sometimes I couldn’t.

I became very creative at making meals out of few ingredients. I don’t think my children were ever aware of how much we struggled financially.

It is stressful to wonder where the money for the next meal, rent or home loan payment will come from. Stressful to have a sick child or be sick yourself and not have the money to pay the gap fee at the doctor or to pay for any medicines prescribed. It is stressful worrying about major issues that may arise where you need to find the money to pay for them. Even a flat tyre can push you over the edge financially.

Being judged by others as “not being good with money” or “wasting your money” is really hard. Especially when you are actually being very good at managing your money, there just isn’t enough of it.

Talking about your problems often allows you to receive empathy and understanding from friends. Being understood rather than judged won’t solve your problems, but it will make them easier to bear. Your friend is probably not going to be able to solve your problems but their understanding and support is really beneficial.

Others can help in different ways:

• Sometimes other people may know of places you can get help with food and urgent needs.

• Many people have found that talking to someone about your problems often allows you to discover solutions to your problem.

How Do I Know There Is Financial Stress?

You may notice signs of your stress or you may notice them in others.

Emotionally you may notice:

• Increased anxiety

• Mood swings

• Irritability

• Depression

• Feeling overwhelmed or helpless.

Physically you may notice:

• Headaches

• Muscle tension

• Gastrointestinal issues

• Chronically fatigued

Behaviourally you may notice:

• Changes in spending habits, such as excessive frugality or impulsive spending

• Avoidance of social activities due to costs

• Neglecting personal relationships

• Decline in work performance

• Reluctance to answer the door, check mail or answer the telephone due to fear of bills and debt collectors.

If I Think A Friend Is Experiencing Financial Stress How Do I Help Them?

Remember it is usual for people to keep financial issues private and there is a lot of shame around struggling financially. Keeping this to yourself is isolating and disempowering.

If you think a friend needs support remember that you approach them with empathy and make sure you don’t judge them.

Let them know you understand how difficult this all is.

Choose your time to talk. You need to find somewhere that is private and relaxed.

It is best to not assume you know what the problem is. Maybe you can notice they have seemed a bit stressed lately and you just wanted to check in. What’s going on for them? Is there anything they would like to talk about?

If your friend says no, then respect that. Let them know you are there if they need to talk and leave it at that.

If your friend talks, listen with the aim of hearing what they are saying. Remember you are not here to problem solve, just listen and support. Every so often it is helpful to summarise what they are saying to check in you are understanding them okay. This also shows you are listening.

Remember that their voice should be heard more than yours.

Remember to acknowledge that financial stress is a common issue and it is normal and perfectly okay to feel overwhelmed.

Respect their boundaries. Don’t push for information they are not willing to give.

Reassure seeking help is what strong people do.

If you are able to offer practical support, such as assistance with working out a budget and how to approach debtors to work out payment plans, then offer this support. Respect their response – they may say no.

Referral Agencies

Encourage them to see a financial counsellor for their finances. The National Debt Helpline can offer free and confidential advice. The MoneySmart website is run by ASIC and offers advice and tools for managing money and dealing with debt.

If your friend is working their Employee Assistance Program may be a source of a small number of counselling sessions.

Community Organisations such as The Salvation Army and St Vincent de Paul offer many programs and can on occasion offer emergency financial aid.

Beyond Blue and Lifeline Australia can provide counselling and mental health support.

It is also important to assist your friend to approach Centrelink to see if they can get help there. Support them around this as they may not be able to get support.

If they need support with managing their stress they may benefit from seeing a counsellor. You may be able to help them find someone who can help them.

Remember that it is vital to offer emotional support regularly and to check in on how they are.

Retirement

Many people find their job defines who they are and gives them their life purpose. Retirement ends this.

One of the challenges with retirement is finding a purpose in life that doesn’t stretch you financially.

Many people find they are invisible once they retire. As they get older friends die and the circle of friends reduces. They are also cut off from the people they once worked with. This means the world becomes a lot smaller and often lonelier.

Some people plan to retire and they often do better. Others have retirement decisions made for them. That often means financially they are not ready to retire.

Finding people to listen to you is important.

Financial Stress in Retirement

These days many people retire with more debt than previous generations. This can make it harder to manage.

It is even harder if you are trying to manage on an aged pension.

Whether you have some superannuation or rely on the aged pension, you are going to need help with financial planning. The resources listed above under Financial Stress are useful ones to turn to for financial planning in your retirement.

Supporting Retirees

Not everyone who retires planned their retirement or is happy with their retirement.

No matter whether it was planned or not, retirement is a massive transition.

The pandemic caused a lot of people to retire earlier than they planned. This has meant that they were not ready emotionally or financially for retirement. That makes the transition even harder.

Lost life purpose is more likely to happen when retirement is unplanned.

Asking people how they are managing retirement can be helpful. Don’t drop contact with someone because they are retired, they are likely to need your support more than ever and may appreciate your care.

Retirement Is A Loss And That Means Grief

It is helpful to remember that retirement involves grieving for the life that has gone. Even if you are happy to have retired, there are still losses and changes that must be adjusted to.

Be patient. Allow time to adjust. Expect there to be days when you feel sad and even depressed.

Seek help from others. See a counsellor. Don’t pretend everything is wonderful if it isn’t.

If you are supporting someone who is retired, be willing to listen. Remember, the person you are seeking to support just wants to be heard, not problem solved.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to feel okay, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au