How Past Trauma Interferes With The Quality of Your Life

Do you struggle to feel joy, peace and love? Did you know that the unresolved, lingering residue of past overwhelming experiences can get in the way of your ability to feel anything at all?

Many people think there is something wrong with them because they don’t feel the same joy, peace and love they see others feel. I have lost track of the number of people who wonder if they are narcissistic because they can’t feel love for others, even those closest to them.

Many people when honest will admit to not feeling much of anything. There may be transient occasional glimmers of joy and love but it is only ever fleeting.

The reality for these people is that their experience is a natural aftermath of trauma.

Trauma Leads To Numbing

Numbing yourself from emotions is a normal biological reaction to serious trauma. According to trauma researcher and psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, trauma is any painful experience that the individual cannot escape and which overwhelms the individual’s capacity to cope.

For children exposed to trauma that capacity has had little if any development so it doesn’t take much to overwhelm them. For adults the extent of their ability to cope will depend on what opportunities were present in childhood to development the capacity to cope.

Why The Brain Numbs and the Impacts

Survival when experiencing overwhelming stress depends on the ability to shut down the areas of the brain that are involved in transmitting the terrifying feelings and emotions experienced in trauma.

The trouble with this shut down is that both negative and positive feelings and emotions are shut down. Many trauma survivors will report feeling like their feelings are frozen and they are separated from those they love by a wall of thick glass.

This is described as emotional detachment, desensitisation, depersonalisation, alexithymia and dissociation.

If you would like to learn more see my blog: Alexithymia. What is it and do I have it? – PLC Blog

The Problem With Numbing

Imagine not fully experiencing the joy of an amazing piece of music, of a loved one’s touch or an amazing sunset. Imagine instead that you experience only a fraction of the joy such things normally evoke. What you can experience is subdued.

The problem extends to losing the ability to recognise what you are feeling. Reacting to things is often numbed or at best delayed. Making sense of what is going on is really difficult. Being able to look internally and be aware of what you are thinking and feeling and understanding what is actually happening for you doesn’t happen, or may happen much later when it is safe to think.

Why “Quick Fix” Therapies Don’t Work

It is very popular at the moment for people to seek “quick fix” therapies that promise to immediately switch off these problem areas. But these quick fixes don’t work in the long term. Learning to switch on the blocked brain areas takes time. Trauma pathways need to be downgraded and new neuronal networks need to grow to connect the brain to those shut down areas. This takes time. Even in children a new neural pathway takes time to grow and children have faster developing brains than adults.

Much as we would all like our problems to be overcome quickly it is just not possible.

If you have experienced trauma, especially in childhood, you will often find it is hard to describe what you are feeling because you don’t know what your physical sensations in your body mean. This is because you learned to disconnect from your physical sensations in order to manage the overwhelming fear and pain. Your brain then severs the connections between it and the rest of your sensory system in your body.

Losing Your Sense of Who Am I?

This blocking also impacts on your sense of self. You can’t know who you are unless you are able to feel and interpret your physical sensations.

The result of not being able to feel your physical sensations is that you feel muddled and often very hazy inside. You can miss a sense of how overwhelming events in the past were and therefore not be able to comprehend the significance of past events.

Numbing The Past So That It Seems Like Nothing Bad Happened

It is common for traumatised adults to not be able to comprehend how much the past has impacted on them.

One part of trauma therapy involves being able to understand that “blindness” of the past and learn to understand the enormity of what has happened.

An Example.

An example of this is an incident I was in many years ago. I was beaten up by another woman, not because of anything I did wrong, but because that was the space she was in. My immediate response was to feel shame and to feel I did something wrong to cause it to happen. This was something I was primed to believe as a child. I was only beaten because I was bad and it was my fault. It was only later when I told a friend and she reacted with horror that I realised what was done to me was wrong and it was not my fault. I was not used to other people thinking such treatment of me was wrong. This is a common experience for a traumatised child.

The Impact On The Way You Relate To Others

The way you relate to other people, especially those in authority, is impacted by your childhood experience of relationships with the adults in your life. If you had a parent who was angry and judgemental, you may look at authority figures expecting them to be angry and judgemental.

You may also not recognise when you are in an abusive relationship. In my earlier example of being beaten up and feeling it was my fault and feeling shame, I demonstrated a common issue that impacts on adult relationships. For many people caught up in abusive adult relationships it is that early learning that being abused is your fault that leads you to think that behaviour is your fault, not that it is wrong.

How To Recognise Past Trauma

A really effective way to recognise the trauma you have experienced in the past and to help identify it is to be able to create distance between you and the trauma. Some of treating trauma involves teaching you to be able to create some space between you and the thoughts, behaviours and emotions that have been generated as a response to the trauma and triggers of the trauma.

Alongside this is teaching you mindfulness. To be able to feel and observe what is in your body in a safe way.

Distance And Mindfulness Are Companions In Early Trauma Identification And Treatment.

Another aspect of healing is learning to identify the things that trigger the overwhelming memories of your trauma. This allows you to be aware of triggers and take steps to learn not to be overwhelmed by the memories.

Rita, who had a childhood involving severe and terrifying abuse learned to tolerate the physical sensations that sprang up with triggers. These sensations were overwhelming and difficult to cope with. As therapy progressed and she learned mindfulness, to be able to put the scary memories at a distance where she could observe them safely. She learned that avoiding those uncomfortable feelings makes them worse, not better. She learned to see the sensations as sensations that were in the present. But she was safe now and the trauma was no longer happening. With that understanding she was able to learn to calmly notice the sensations and not judge them. Over time she learned that the memories that popped up were of the past and did not constitute threats in her present life.

Severe Anxiety Is Often A Result Of Childhood Trauma

Bruce came to me for help with his severe anxiety.

In therapy he was able to identify that he had grown up in an abusive home environment as the oldest child. He had spent much of his childhood protecting his younger siblings from his father and trying to protect his mother. Like many children in this type of situation, he became parentified. He tried to become the parent as he saw himself as the one who was able to protect his mother and siblings from his father.

In adulthood he worried obsessively about everyone else. He was always concerned about things happening in his siblings’ lives. He worried about his mother. He worried about his wife. He worried about his children. He was constantly hypervigilant and looking for problems he needed to solve. He became overinvolved in his children’s lives and obsessed about things that could go wrong. It became so intrusive in his children’s lives that they cut off contact with him.

In counselling he was able to understand where his hypervigilance and anxiety came from and started learning to feel the sensations in his body and distance himself from the past fears. He practiced mindfulness daily and this allowed him to be use mindfulness when he began to get anxious. In time he learned to let go of his stranglehold on his family and allow them to experience their own difficulties on their own.

At his last session he demonstrated how calm he now felt, how he was able to put anxious thoughts about his family at arms length and process them as not his responsibility and separate them from his past trauma.

Past trauma memories were now memories, sad and scary, but in the past.

He was able to set healthy boundaries around himself and reestablished contact with his children who no longer felt overwhelmed at the intensity of his vigilance over them.

Triggers Are Not Always Bad Things

When working with your trauma it is important to remember that triggers are not always bad things. Nor is being triggered bad. Instead of running away from the feelings and triggers it is important to learn to sit still with those painful feelings.

The Boy In The Forest

There was a boy who wanted to walk through the forest to visit his grandmother. Every time he set out on the path he heard a strange wailing and saw a shadowy figure in this trees up ahead. In terror, he fled back to the safety of the meadow next to the forest.

Several times he tried to walk through the forest and every time he fled in terror at this shadowy figure that wailed strangely.

One day his father decided to come with him. When they heard the scary noise the father kept going. The boy was terrified but kept walking beside his father. They heard the strange wailing and the father didn’t even react. He just kept walking along the path.

Around the corner he could see the shadowy figure writing around his in the trees. His father reached up with his walking stick and caught the figure on the end of the stick, then pulled it towards him. To the boy’s surprise it was an old cloak stuck up in the trees. The wailing sound turned out to be the wind in the trees.

The boy had been avoiding the path because he was too scared to approach the object and see it for what it was. When you are unable to approach your memories you are like that boy. With a counsellor by your side it is possible to face the memories and see them for the past events that they are.

The Risks of Avoiding Your Memories

The risks of avoiding your memories are great. So many people use other things to bring relief. But they find it is only temporary. Numbing can be overeating, restricting food, working too much, excessively exercising, compulsive shopping, pornography, gambling, obsessing about other people, drugs or alcohol and many more. If it numbs you then you will probably try it.

These activities don’t heal the pain and they don’t remove it. They just mask it and the activity has to be done again and again, and you become used to the activity, so it has to be escalated in order to work.

This is why healing work through counselling is so important. In counselling you work to remove the need for numbing and avoiding activities. You can learn to sit with the memories and put them in the past where they belong and not see them as still being in your present.

Allow yourself time to heal, practise mindfulness daily so that you can use it in those triggered moments. Learn to feel into your body and to not be afraid. Learn to feel those emotions and body sensations without fear. Learn to set boundaries between what is now and what was then.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your traumatic memories, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

*please note that whenever I mention someone in my blogs I never use real names and change the circumstances to de-identify the person who has generously given permission for me to use their story in my blog.

Grief Is Love In A Different Form

For one who just wants to leave grief and for one day forget grief exists. For one day even smile.

But Grief can’t leave you. Grief can never be away from you.

No matter how much you plead your exhaustion. How little strength you have to carry that heavy burden. How you just can’t cope with the overwhelming, impossible to carry, grief.

Grief is part of you now. Part of your existence. Part of your very being. Every cell in your body is encompassed now by grief.

You may run for a few hours. Be so absorbed in what you are doing that you forget…

But then you remember and Grief comes roaring back into your presence. You can never leave it behind.

You wonder why the world is so cruel. You feel the unfairness of the horrible darkness that has descended on you. The darkness you are fated to carry with you.

You don’t want this. You can’t handle it.

And in the depths of your mind a little voice reminds you of how much you loved the one who died. How feeling the loss of that love, of their presence, of the grief at that loss is how you honour them. How you honour their memory. How you honour everything they are. Everything they were.

And you wonder if there could be another way, but you know there isn’t. The sad reality is the one you loved is dead and you cannot experience them in the land of the living anymore.

You love them. You love them when you spring into consciousness in the morning. You love them as you dress, get breakfast, go about your day.

You love them as the day draws to a close. You love them as you go to sleep. You love them when you wake up in the night and remember.

You love them as you reminisce about them.

You love them as you look through old photos, old videos, things they gave you, jokes you laughed at, their favourite food. Love reminders are everywhere.

Grief is love that is no longer in your worldly life.

Grief is the love you can no longer experience in the presence of the one you loved.

Grief is reality.

Accepting the reality of the loss of your loved one is so hard to do. There are so many memories. Your brain faithfully brings them up for you to remember. Your brain hurts as it struggles to change your connection to your loved one.

It hurts as you struggle to remember and cherish your memories.

You walk through spaces where once they were and you feel the pain of their absence.

You listen for them to call you. You go places alone where once you went together. You think of something you planned together that you can only do on your own. The pain is everywhere and so hard to manage.

So you take a few moments to forget. And just for a little while you can rest without the burden of grief, until it returns as heavy as before.

When you try distractions, try to deliberately forget, grief just returns heavier than before. You can never escape. Grief is with you. Grief is you.

You are so tired of being like this and just want it to be over. But you can’t rush grief.

You struggle on. And on.

One day you realise you have remembered something about the one you loved. Instead of the acute pain you now feel it as something bittersweet and you smile at the memory.

It is then that you realise that grief is not always a terrible pain. Over time is becomes the memories you will always cherish. The memories that are sad but precious at the same time.

When you are in the throws of acute grief you think that moment will never come.

As you struggle through the months, even years, ahead you wonder if you have the stamina to see this through.

Sometimes you manage without help. Sometimes you need to speak to a counsellor. And some day you arrive at the moment where you realise grief really is love in a different form.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

5 Minute Ideas To Give Yourself Love and Destress

How often in your busy day do you find time to care for yourself?

Instead do you find yourself rushing from one task to another and end the day depleted and exhausted?

How often do you wake in the morning dreading the day ahead?

Today I am sharing some ideas of things you can do that will take 5 minutes.

Some of my categories may seem weird but I have based them on research about what assists us to experience less stress. I have given some ideas, you can probably think of many more.

Simple 5 Minute Ideas

My favourite go to simple ideas are:

• A short guided meditation. The app Insight Timer is a great source of 5 minute mediations.

• Writing in your journal about anything.

• Sitting quietly and deep breathing.

• Looking up at the stars in the night sky.

• Savouring a favourite herbal tea.

• Close your eyes and imagine a peaceful place.

• Walk outside and breathe in the fresh air.

• Write down 5 things you are grateful for.

Calming 5 minute ideas

My favourite go to calming ideas are:

• Pat your pet

• Sit in a quiet, peaceful place at home and practice deep breathing.

• Create a vision board of your favourite self care practices. Add to it when taking your 5 minute calming time

• Sing a favourite song

• Close your eyes and just focus on breathing

• Massage your wrists

• Doodle

Positive 5 minute ideas

Focusing on the positive is very calming. My favourites are:

• Visualising a wonderful future

• Reading a good news story

• Writing a loving, positive note to your future self

• Reminisce about a happy memory

• Smile as you take a selfie

• Look at Art that inspires you

• Quick repair to an item of clothing – such as sewing on a button.

Declutter 5 Minute Ideas

May seem weird but clutter is stressful and decluttering is calming.

• Quickly throw together some leftover fruit and green vegetables and make a smoothie

• Organise a drawer (or part of it)

• Write down on thing to achieve for the rest of the day

• Make a list of the things you have completed/accomplished recently

• Reorganise part of your desk (or all if it can be done in 5 minutes)

• Journal what you are thinking

• Tidy your Email inbox

• Choose one item of clothing you no longer need and donate it

Social 5 Minute Ideas

• Text a friend a message of appreciation

• Post a positive status on your social media

• Send a friend a song you think they will like

• Send a message to friends suggesting a get together

• Send a thank you note to someone

• Have a quick catch up with someone special – let them know you have 5 minutes and just want to connect for 5 minutes.

• Share a joke or funny meme you have seen recently

• Tell someone you love them

Move 5 Minute Ideas

• Stand up and stretch. Reach for the sky then down to your toes.

• Dance to a great song

• Roll your shoulders backwards and forwards

• Try out assorted power poses – shoulders back, feet firmly on the ground, head up.

• Sit in your chair slightly differently. Maybe push yourself back into the chair more so you sit more upright.

• Try some simple yoga poses

• Jump. Use a skipping rope or do star jumps.

• Go outside and walk around the garden

• Give a thirsty plant some water

Enjoyable 5 Minute Ideas

• If you like incense or scented candles light one and breathe in that beautiful aroma

• Listen to something inspirational

• Listen to a song you love

• Read a motivational quote

• Start your bucket list and spend 5 minutes brainstorming ideas for it

• Draw what you can see out the window

• Doodle – have a special notebook to do this in and you will always have it on hand

• Colour a page in a colouring book

• Give yourself a quick foot bath

Cozy 5 Minute Ideas

• If it is nighttime, put on your comfortable pyjamas

• Snuggle up with a favourite book

• Massage your palms with your thumbs (it feels so relaxing)

• Put your favourite songs into a playlist.

• Watch part of a favourite movie

• Write a comfort food shopping list

• Sit in a favourite corner with a hot chocolate

Mindful 5 Minute Ideas

• Read a book for 5 minutes, reading slowly to take in the words.

• Work on a puzzle that requires focus. Maybe a crossword, sudoku for example.

• Sit quietly focusing on your breathing and the sensations in your body.

• Paint your nails (try doing that without paying attention!)

• Sit quietly and listen to white noise while breathing deeply

• Walk around outside

• Stretch slowly, focusing on the feeling of the stretch

• Hug a tree

• Repeat a personal mantra

Easy 5 Minute Ideas

• Just sit quietly and be present in your body

• Make yourself a drink of water, herbal tea, anything calming

• Work on a jigsaw

• Take a quick walk

• Cuddle your pet

• Massage your feet

• Listen to the sound of running water

Still Stressed?

If you answer that question with a yes that is not surprising. One 5 minute activity is not going to remove your stress. But many throughout the day, over a period of time can help.

It is also important to take more time out regularly to practice longer self care.

It is also a good idea to start your day with some sort of mindful self care activity to clear your mind and calm your body. This is also a good time to set your intentions for the day. As for yesterday’s stress. Don’t take that on board, but you may consider what needs to be added to your to do list from yesterday’s stress. Take on the activity, not the stress.

It is also important to end your day with a mindful self care activity. This focus is on putting aside the day and allowing yourself to calm your mind before going to sleep. You will sleep better and wake up more refreshed.

Can I Help?

I have studied Mindfulness as part of my Master of Counselling and teach mindfulness as well as practicing it myself.

I have also studied the impacts of stress and stress relieving activities.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your stress or would like to learn mindfulness, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Grief Illiteracy

I have been a child losing a much loved grandparent. I have been a nurse constantly dealing with death. I have been an adult losing both parents. Now I am a counsellor working with the bereaved. One thing has struck me throughout my life. It is the lack of knowledge of grief.

I have heard it described as grief illiteracy and that is very accurate. As a society we lack literacy on grief.

People lack the skills to process their own grief and the skills to assist others to process grief.

What Happens Usually With Grief?

When someone is first bereaved there is an understanding that they will be upset and there is a perception of someone emotional who cries a lot.

This can lead to people being afraid to support the bereaved person. The fear of their deep emotions and what to say.

For many people overwhelming emotions are what happen. But for others this doesn’t happen. Some people remain relatively calm.

Both reactions are normal grief reactions. Both are grieving and in pain.

Societal Expectations

The trouble with society expectations is that after a few weeks those who are upset and emotional are expected to be back to normal and those who are seemingly calm are judged as not caring because of the lack of outward emotion.

Grief illiteracy leads people to think that after the funeral everything gets back to normal. People get on with their lives and think you should do that same.

It is as though grief is like a cold. There is a short period of disruption and then back to normal in a few days. Research shows that social support drops off after 3 to 4 days, the time when you should be over a cold.

In our society there is an obsession with things being tidy and neat. There is an adherence to an outdated belief in grief following stages that happen in a certain order. This plays into the tidy and neat obsession.

In reality grief is messy and it takes time.

The Harm Caused By Grief Illiteracy

I have had people come to see me who were being told by friends that it was unhealthy for them to stay home and not come out and socialise as they used to. This when their loved one only died a few weeks ago.

It has been suggested that our society, with its emphasis on working, productivity and serving the consumer does not allow time for grief. It is inconvenient. It is unproductive. In this instant gratification time it prevents others from achieving that instant gratification and is therefore bad and selfish.

The Flip Side Of The Coin, The Belief That Grief As An Emotionally Turbulent Time Lasts Forever

Yes you will always grieve for the one you love. But you will not always be stuck in emotional turmoil. You will thrive, be happy and experience great joy. You will also never forget the one you love.

Many in society judge the bereaved person as not grieving enough if some time later they are living a full life and are happy and full of joy.

The idea that acute grief is eternal. That acute grief is what grief is, rather than just part of the processing of grief. This is a huge barrier to living with loss.

Discomfort Around Death

In western culture there is discomfort around death. Much of this is based on great fear and anxiety around death.

Whereas other cultures have rituals that assist with processing grief, western culture is uncomfortable with rituals.

Yet rituals help acknowledge the reality of death.

People won’t mention the word death and children rarely hear it. Euphemisms are used a lot and there is push back, even from professionals, on the use of the words died and death. Yet many want to use those words.

Some believe to talk about death brings bad luck. Many avoid making wills or planning for end of life such as funeral plans and funeral wishes because they believe it will hasten their death. Others believe attending a funeral will bring bad luck.

The Benefits Of Counselling

Seeing a grief trained counsellor can be helpful when you are battling the grief illiteracy of others.

Being able to talk about the one you lost to someone who gives you permission to talk about your experience is really helpful.

Having permission to grieve is important in order to process that grief.

Seeing a counsellor won’t bring your loved one back, but it will help you process your grief.

Most people who have hidden their grief, afraid of the reaction of others, have found great comfort and relief in being able to talk about their grief.

Being able to talk with someone who is not afraid to mention the taboo words death and died is really affirming. Suddenly it is okay to be sad, to cry, to want to talk about the person, to miss them terribly, but also to laugh and feel joy.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with processing your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Why Experiencing Trauma In Childhood Doesn’t Mean You Are Doomed To Be Mentally Ill

Trauma in childhood can be very disruptive and cause many difficulties for you in adult life.

But

Experiencing childhood trauma does not necessarily result in mental illness in later childhood and adulthood.

What is trauma know to be associated with?

The Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study in New Zealand tracked a cohort of children born in 1972 to 1973.

One of this study’s findings was that a form of a gene associated with serotonin transport in the brain appeared to increase an individual’s likelihood of experiencing depression when exposed to trauma.

This has supported the theory that our DNA, that way that DNA is expressed in the body, and our environment can impact on our mental health.

This would also help explain why some people exposed to trauma develop serious mental health problems whereas others manage well in life.

What Is Known?

Research has drawn strong links between trauma and addiction. This is in the way you manage difficulties in life.

Some people are able to “roll with the punches” and can regulate relatively quickly after a distressing event.

Others find it harder and may draw on outside actions, such as drinking alcohol or smoking, to regulate their emotions.

Many people report partaking of the addiction helps them to feel calm, or forget the terrifying experience, or feel less anxious and panicky.

Difficulties With Connecting To Others

What is also known is that experiences in your childhood impact on how you see the world and how you relate to other people.

If your early experiences were supporting and nurturing, you are more likely to see the world as a friendly and helpful place. You will also likely see others as trustworthy and safe to connect with.

But if your early experiences with others were abusive, unhelpful, and/or frightening you are more likely to see the world as unfriendly and not safe. You will also be more wary of others and may be more likely to perceive their behaviour as threatening than those who see others as trustworthy.

The person with positive experiences in childhood is more likely to readily feel comfortable with others while those with negative experiences are more likely to be wary of trusting others.

Brain Changes

What is known is that the brain of those exposed to trauma in childhood develops differently to those not exposed to trauma.

For example, areas of the brain responsible for observing non verbal communication are more developed in traumatised individuals. This is thought to give the child the advantage of being able to detect danger and act on it faster than for those with normal brain development.

In other words these changes increase the child’s chances of survival.

Other areas of the brain have been found to be smaller than for those not exposed to trauma. Some of those areas relate to the perception of “novelty”. In other words the ability to manage unexpected situations and strangers.

When To Seek Help

If you experienced trauma in childhood and are managing life well, then at this point in time you are unlikely to need help.

If you find that there are difficulties around things upsetting you, or difficulty calming down after a difficult event. If you find you feel overwhelmed often, your social life is difficult, others report behaviours they think are a problem, or you think there is a problem (even if you can’t quite put your finger on it).

If you find yourself putting up with bad behaviour from others, or you are a people pleaser, or you have trouble setting boundaries or saying no.

Then it is best to consult a counsellor.

There are occasions in life when everyone can get help from a counsellor, even if just for one or two sessions.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your difficulties in life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Heartbreak Underlies Grief

Having been on my own grief journey many times, and listened to many people on their grief journeys, one thing that strikes me is the heartbreak of losing someone you love.

The loss may be due to death, a broken relationship, having to move somewhere new, losing a treasured object or any other event that results in loss.

I have always been aware of how little people know about grief and how unhelpful those people can be when you are grieving. But it was only when hearing Canadian writer Zoe Whittall be interviewed about a poetic memoir she wrote that the realisation dawned on me that one of the big issues is heartbreak.

Zoe feels in our Western culture there is a practice of not admitting the depth of loss for the individual. Loss is life changing and it can impact many years of your life.

She described that loss as not something that people relate in cold, hard facts but something related in deeply emotional experiences and feelings.

I pondered that for some time after hearing the interview. I realised she was right. The biggest thing for me with all the deaths and other losses I had mourned was the broken heart I was left trying to mend.

In our deeply analytical culture, with an emphasis on evidence based mental health, the acknowledgement of the depth of emotion involved in grief is often brushed aside.

Instead grief is pathologised and people who grieve for “too long” are considered to be mentally unwell. The reality is they are mending a broken heart and learning how to live again. And they are doing really well.

Sadly people feel uncomfortable when confronted with the heartbroken grief of another person. When people are uncomfortable their instinct is to shut the other person down. Hence the heartbroken are unsupported.

When putting her book together Zoe’s editor told her that “Heartache is a universal experience.”

That is so true. If you are heartbroken and grieving, draw comfort from the fact that others are heartbroken too. If you can, seek out those people so that you can feel safe to share your heartbreak, to feel heard.

• And if you are worried that maybe there is something wrong with you.

• Or you feel overwhelmed by the people around you telling you that you should be over it by now.

• Or if you can’t find others to share with and you need to be heard …

… then seeking grief counselling can be helpful.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your heartbroken grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Is That Drink You Just Have To Have, A Lot, Worrying You? Or The Cigarettes You Just Can’t Give Up? This Is Why You Are Likely To Need Counselling Help To Stop.

Research over many decades has shown that trauma in childhood has impacts that extend throughout childhood into adulthood. These impacts include poor mental health, substance abuse and addiction, as well as physical health impacts.

The Impact Of Trauma On Addiction

Extensive research has proven that people who experience trauma during childhood are more likely to be addicted to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs later in life.

What is trauma? Trauma as referred to in this blog is psychological harm to a person caused by experiences that are a significant threat to the individual or others close to them. Trauma can be emotional, physical, sexual abuse, an addicted parent, natural disasters and serious accidents.

What Is Addiction? What Does Trauma Have To Do With It?

Addiction can take many forms and cover a range of behaviours. For example, people who regularly consume alcohol may not be considered alcoholic, but their dependence on alcohol to feel more relaxed, less socially awkward or cope with stress reveals reliance on alcohol that fits the definition of addiction.

With the recent increase in vaping, including a dramatic increase in teens who vape, there has been a recognition of vaping as another concerning form of addiction.

Research looking at teens who vape has shown that the majority were exposed to trauma below the age of 12.

This is consistent with research looking at teens who drink alcohol, smoke tobacco or use other drugs.

The Dangers Of Physically Addictive Substances

Many substances people take are not physically addictive. This means that once the psychological need for the substance is attended to, the person can manage without the substance.

Other substances are physically addictive. This means that trying to stop using the substance will result in more difficult physical cravings as well as psychological ones. Nicotine is one of the most physically addictive substances people take.

Cigarettes and Vapes contain nicotine. Although vapes are by law banned from containing nicotine, around 99% of vapes confiscated in Australia have been found to contain nicotine.

It Can Take Many Attempts To Overcome Your Addiction To Nicotine

Nicotine is an extremely addictive substance that is physically addictive as well as psychologically addictive. It takes less nicotine for a teenager to be addicted than for an adult. Also their brains respond with stronger cravings when seeking to stop.

Anyone addicted to nicotine will struggle to quit. The strong physical cravings and the trauma that led to the addiction in the first place are strong barriers to quitting.

It can take many attempts to stop before the addict is able to stop.

The Importance Of Counselling In Overcoming Addiction

As an addict you will be better able to stop if you receive counselling support and nicotine replacement therapy.

The importance of counselling support is learning how to cope with feelings that have been self medicated, often for years, with alcohol, cigarettes and other substances.

Why Families And Social Environments Are Not Suitable Supports

Trauma most often occurs in the family and social environments. Many people start using substances as teenagers, modelling their behaviour on the coping behaviours of the adults in their lives.

Instead of learning healthy ways of dealing with the stress of the trauma, unhealthy ways are learned and passed down through the generations.

Self-Medicating and Brain Development

Using these addictive substances is known as self-medicating. You have a drink and feel calmer, you smoke or vape and feel you can manage things better and so on.

All of these addictive substances physically damage the body, as well as causing harm to the brain.

Neuroscientists studying the impacts of this self-medicating report that it causes damage to the developing brain of teenagers and results in the brain not developing properly. This is more damaging than damage to existing brain structures as occurs in adulthood because it prevents part of the brain developing.

So it is important to stop

Why The Ideal Supports Are Not Ideal

Ideally, stopping using an addictive substance would involve support from family and friends. For many people this support will not happen because this is the source of their trauma and learned unhealthy coping behaviours.

For this reason, counselling support is essential so that you can process and heal from the trauma and learn healthy coping strategies to replace the addictive substance.

There is also a possibility that if you stop your addiction to a substance without treating the underlying trauma that has caused it, you may switch to another substance of addiction.

Trauma, Stress and Addiction

It is also known that trauma has an impact on the development of the brain. Trauma can result in brain changes that lead to greater impulsivity and risk taking behaviour. This doesn’t apply to everyone who has encountered trauma, but is frequently seen.

Far more common is the impact trauma has on the brain’s ability to manage stress. Someone with a trauma history is more likely to be more reactive to stress and less able to cope with it.

If you add the damage to the brain by addiction to the damage caused by trauma then it is really problematic for you.

It is possible to learn how to manage stress, but for this you need a qualified counsellor.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your problem drinking or smoking/vaping, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Grace, An Unspoken Part Of Healing After Grief.

The concept of grace was discussed by a bereaved mother recently. She described the healing from grief as reaching a point of grace.

She contended that grief and grace cannot be rushed, but so many try to rush the unfolding of grief and try to rush others.

She spoke of people in her church trying to rush her through her grief.

They told her God had a plan and wanted her to buy into that story.

They told her that her child was in a better place and wanted her to buy into that story.

Not surprisingly she was devastated. Her life was shattered. She felt isolated in her grief.

Her well-meaning friends and church community isolated her further. She resented their efforts to make her grief neat and rapid.

She wasn’t ready to consider those stories, or any others that people presented to her.

She just wanted to sit in her grief. To experience it. To allow it to devastate her and to heal her. She wanted to become familiar with its landscape and be unafraid to walk away from it and return when she needed to.

For her grace is the point in grief where she was able to be comfortable with her son’s death. Not like the fact he died but no longer hurt as much, to feel a sense of acceptance that this had happened.

She described reaching that point as graced acceptance.

In the process of reaching that point she joined other communities who had more understanding of death and didn’t feel threatened by the devastation and desolation of death.

She found sharing her grief with others was healing. The act of intentionally stepping aside to be with those grief groups was a wonderful antidote to the desolation she was experiencing.

In these groups the talk was more about how to look after herself than justifying his death.

Back in the real-world people were still pressuring her to rush that healing, to rush finding that point of grace. She was exhorted to rush reaching the point of acceptance. But she was not ready.

What she found as time went on is that acceptance comes when it is ready. You cannot rush reaching that point. If you try to all you do is suppress the pain.

Pain needs to be journeyed with, felt, and learned to live with.

That is where grace comes in. To reach that point of being comfortable with the new landscape.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

The Experience Of Children Who Lose Their Homes Traumatically

For many years it has been recognised that children cope better with traumatic situations if their parents are able to manage well with the situation and are able to maintain a reasonably stable environment for them.

This is why after disasters there is a push for all people, but especially children, to get back to a routine as soon as possible.

We Are All At Risk When Our Routines Are Disrupted

It is easy when we are safe in our homes with access to food, water, shelter, medical care and support networks to be unaware of the impact of losing all that.

But when you have to leave your home, or it is destroyed, all that changes.

Health, both physical and mental, breaks down very quickly when you no longer are able to protect yourself from the impacts of weather, when you cannot find food or have no water.

Children Are More Vulnerable

For the child in this situation there is more vulnerability.

It is very common for families to become separated, and to face life threatening conditions in these situations.

Even after the child is able to find alternative housing, the mental health impacts continue.

Sub heading What Does This Have To Do With Me?

It is important that you, as a member of the Australian community, are aware of the needs of others in the community.

Untreated trauma impacts on the entire community.

• It impacts on the growing child’s ability to live a productive life.

• It impacts on their behaviour and can lead to anti social behaviour.

All Children Can Be Impacted by Trauma

Children impacted by Domestic Violence, especially those who have to flee dangerous situations and have to remain on high alert as the Justice and Family Law systems fail to protect them adequately from a dangerous family member, are exposed to serious trauma.

Children impacted by large scale natural disasters such as bushfires, cyclones and flooding are also exposed to a level of trauma.

What Trauma Challenges Do Children Face?

• Loss and separation: Children lose their homes, the safe framework of their lives initially. They can be exposed to violence, abuse, exploitation, loss of family members, loss of friends, loss of familiar faces, loss of community.

• Uncertainty and instability: The familiar structure of their home and community is lost. Everything familiar has been disrupted or is gone. Prior to this the child has been able to feel secure in the reliability of routines and activities. Things they may have been able to do before, such as explore their world and play in the park or with friends, are no longer possible to do.
Boundaries and routines give children security and a feeling of safety. When they are disrupted, children don’t feel safe. In these situations parents remaining calm can help children feel safer. Things may not be the same but parents are still a reassuring presence that the child feels can keep them safe.

• Financial and Social Coping: Families who have had to leave their homes often struggle financially. It is hard for parents to meet the needs of the family. This leads to Parents struggling with self-regulation in very stressful situations.

Children often feel they must share responsibility for supporting the family. Parents who struggle may not realise this is happening. Children who feel responsible in this way can become overwhelmed and feel very disempowered.

Short Term Effects of Trauma on Children

Intense anxiety, sadness, difficulty sleeping and disorientation is most commonly experienced by children in these situations.

Starting at a new school is difficult.

When the children have to move frequently, as can be the case with Domestic Violence, there is the stress of having to start new schools frequently. Academically it can be hard to keep up with the year group. This can lead to diminished self worth.

Long Term Effects of Trauma on Children

Intense anxiety can over time give way to chronic anxiety. Depression is also likely. Trust and attachment are major casualties of this type of trauma and children can continue to struggle with this.

Forming a stable identity is impacted by repeated moves.

Children will often feel they don’t belong anywhere and feel different and alienated from those around them.

What Can The Family Do To Support Children and Each Other?

A healthy family structure with at least one safe adult is a vital asset for traumatised children.

• Stability and routine: Family is part of the safe structure of a child’s life. Good family routines create a safer, more predictable environment. Children feel more secure and safe.

• Emotional support: Healthy families support each other. Children know where they can go to for support and reassurance.

• Modelling Coping Strategies: As mentioned earlier, when parents are able to model good coping strategies and provide a sense of routine, children feel safer. They also learn healthy ways to cope with difficult situations.

Helping Your Child

Get mental health help early. For you and your child.

Be aware of the long term effects of trauma. There will likely be a need to seek mental health help later as well.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you and your children to process the trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: https://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

13 Things To Remember When With A Grieving Person

In the past year a lot of my friends have lost their partners. Others have lost family members. Others have lost pets. Not a week has gone by without hearing of a death.

There have been a lot of funerals and a lot of tears.

There has also been resilience and healing.

With one friend whose dog had died I found myself falling into the trap of telling her about my own dog dying because I wanted to console her feeling of guilt at not having acted fast enough to end her dog’s suffering.

That was the wrong thing to do. I didn’t even get to the point of the story before she had quite rightly switched off.

Christmas brought communications from overseas friends and more notifications of deaths.

This got me thinking. Even the most grief trained and educated, when not in our formal roles, can slip up when supporting those who are grieving.

For this reason I decided my first blog of 2025 would be about things we need to remember when with someone who has been bereaved.

Be Mindful

One of the most important things to remember is to be mindful of what you are saying and thinking.

Maintaining awareness of what is happening for you and what you are hearing is very important.

Couple that awareness with questioning. In your mind be curious about your responses and whether they are for you, or the person who is bereaved.

My example of wanting to reassure my friend that she didn’t need to feel guilty about not acting fast enough to end her dog’s suffering is a good one here.

How could I word my reassurance in a way that met her needs? Not mine.

Why did I need to reassure her? Was it for her or because I needed the reassurance myself?

Did she need reassurance? This leads me to my next reminder.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Often when supporting another person you can draw on your own experience to decide what support they need. That is quite normal.

It is always important to be aware that what you needed in a similar situation is not necessarily what the other person needs now.

If the person tells you something, for example “I feel guilty I didn’t take my dog to the vet earlier” then it is okay to offer support around that.

If they didn’t say that but you think that might be how they are feeling then ask them. For example. “from what you are saying I was wondering if you felt guilty you didn’t take the dog to the vet earlier”. They can say yes or no. If yes then you may ask if they would like to talk about that.

Don’t rush in with fix it statements (see heading fix it).

Don’t Offer Sympathy.

Often a person’s story of grief is a big, distressing story. Sometimes it is a very traumatic story.

Don’t get caught up in the story and suffer with that person.

This is sympathy and it can lead to you being very unhelpful.

Instead offer empathy. Listen from a slight emotional distance. This is where mindfulness is important. Listen with that understanding that you are hearing the other person’s story but you are not part of it. This allows you to hear their pain but not immerse yourself in it as well where you are no help to them.

One of my lecturers described the difference between sympathy and empathy with the following analogy:

Do You Jump In The Hole or Put Down a Rope?

My lecturer described sympathy as encountering someone stuck in a hole.

You race to jump in the hole with them. Then you find you are stuck there too. Neither of you can get out.

For the person in the hole, they need to get out, not have someone else there too who they may have to care for as well.

Empathy is seeing the person in the hole and letting a rope down into the hole so they can climb out. You offer them the acknowledgement of their predicament and listen to them. Then you help them to climb out of that hole where they can be outside the hole with the security of someone who is caring and comforting but not drowning in their pain.

Don’t Try to ‘fix’ it

There are many reasons people try to “fix” another person’s grief.

One is that is how they learned as children, watching adults in their life offer platitudes or tell the bereaved person what they should do and how they should feel.

Another is that death is uncomfortable, as is distress. If you are sitting with someone who has been bereaved you are experiencing the shock of the death, the reality of death.

It is an uncomfortable feeling.

Most of us learn as children to run from discomfort or shut it down. And the response to an uncomfortable situation like this is to shut it down.

Another source of discomfort is being in the presence of someone who is distressed. More uncomfortable feeling to shut down.

The tendency is to tell the person to look on the bright side. As if that bright side is the solution to all the pain of grief.

These “fix” it bright side shutdowns include comments like:

• He is in a better place.

• You can always have another child.

• So good you are able to remain together.

• He wouldn’t have wanted to suffer.

It is better to say “I don’t know what to say, but I care and I want to be here for you.”

The Funeral May Be Over But The Grief Is Not

Rushing people to “be over” their grief is incredibly unhelpful and also very ignorant.

Just because the funeral is over does not mean the person is “over” the death. You never get over someone’s death. You learn to live with it, to accept it has happened, but the pain never goes away.

This leads me to my next point. No two grief journey’s are the same.

Don’t Compare

You may have been bereaved yourself. Or you may have other friends who have been bereaved.

It is important to remember that no two people grieve the same and no two bereavements lead to the same grieving.

This means that every one you encounter will grieve differently, even if it is for the same person. It also means that if someone you know has different bereavements they will grieve differently for each one.

One of the ways comparison manifests is to tell your own story to the bereaved person.

It is an easy trap to fall into.

You are not necessarily deliberately comparing, but that is what is amounts to.

My story of the friend grieving her dead dog is a case of inadvertent comparison.

Subtitle The Golden Rule – Never Bring Your Own Experience In Unless You Are Asked.

For the grieving person, your telling your own story is deflecting their pain that they just trusted you enough to share with you, and making it about you.

That may not have been your intent, but that is what happens.

Just acknowledging the other person’s feelings and how difficult it is gives more support than trying to tell your own story.

The Concept of Ring Theory

This is a concept that was developed by psychologists Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.

The grieving person is in the centre of a circle composed of rings.

The next ring outside that person is their closest people, usually a partner. The next ring is family and close friends, then less close friends, acquaintances, and people they don’t know but may come across.

The person in the centre can say anything to those in the circles around them. They can say how sad they are, express frustration, anger, desolation.

The people in the other rings can only offer comfort inwards. That means they can comfort anyone in the rings inside their own, especially the grieving person.

If a person wants to express their own feelings and ask questions, they can only do that to those in rings outside their own.

Support can only be offered to those in rings inside your own.

In other words Support goes in and expressing your own issues goes out.

This is really helpful to remember when interacting with a grieving person.

Don’t Judge

No matter how the person died, no matter what sort of person they were, don’t judge them to those who are grieving them.

This happens often with death by suicide, or accidents where the person was drunk or under the influence of drugs.

It doesn’t matter how the person died. What matters is that those who loved them are hurting. What matters also is that this person, who was full of life, is now dead.

Life is precious and the loss of life is the loss of something very precious. Never forget that when you encounter deaths such as that.

Always Say Their Name Where Culturally Appropriate

It can be hard to talk about someone who has died.

For you this may be painful.

It can also feel uncomfortable to say their name.

You may be afraid of hurting the person who is grieving.

From my experience of grief, and that of friends, it means so much more to hear their name mentioned. To have people talk about them and the things they did.

Don’t be frightened to mention them by name and talk about them. You can always check in first if it is okay to do that.

Be mindful that in some cultures you don’t mention the dead one’s name.

No Empty Platitudes

I have already mentioned empty platitudes. The ones like “They are in a better place”, “You can always have another one” and so on.

When you first learn of someone’s death it is okay to say how sorry you are. Initially, that is all the grieving person is able to cope with.

In time however, if they start talking about their loved one don’t be afraid to say more.

If you are unsure what to say you may tell them you don’t know how to talk about this, that you don’t want to hurt them, that you want them to tell you if you get it wrong. Then listen.

No Seeking More Detail Or Sensationalising The Situation.

It is better not to ask how the person died, or details of how they died if you know the cause of death.

When I counsel grieving people I don’t necessarily seek to know how their loved one died unless it is important. Even then I ask if they mind telling me about their death.

You don’t need to know all the details.

For the grieving person, rehashing the details can be very painful.

People usually know when you have asked out of curiosity or because you care.

To be asked out of curiosity is incredibly painful and isolating.

One thing that is often overlooked is how traumatic it is to be bereaved. When you are with someone who is grieving you need to remember there is the pain of grief and the trauma of their death. Both need to be processed and healed.

Summary

Be careful to use empathy when supporting those who are grieving.

Be mindful of what you are thinking and what you want to say. Ask yourself before saying anything if it is helpful for the grieving person. If it isn’t then don’t say it.

Don’t seek extra information unless they are offering it to you. Sometimes people want to talk about the death, other times not.

Allow space and time for grief to play out.

Remember Ring Theory, offer comfort to those in circles inside your own circle.

If you find someone else’s grief brings up pain for you then seek counselling.

If you are grieving yourself and need help, then seek counselling.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your own grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my
newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz