July 2021 – PLC Blog

How to say goodbye when you can’t attend the funeral

There are many occasions in life when you can’t attend a funeral.

With COVID restrictions, that has stopped many people. Yes, you can often watch the funeral online, but it doesn’t allow you to share your thoughts with other people or feel the atmosphere of being present at the funeral.

There are other things that stop you attending funerals:

• Not having the money to pay for airfares to attend a funeral.

• Being unable to take time off work.

• The funeral being for close family, when you aren’t close family.

• Not knowing the person has died until after the funeral.

• Being too sick to attend the funeral.

• Not being recognised as a having a valid reason to mourn the person.

• And so on.

These are just some of the things that stop you attending the funeral of an important person in your life.

I have often had clients who have been unable to attend the funeral of someone important to them.

So what can you do to say goodbye?

One of the most important things to consider when saying goodbye is what the person meant to you.

What was it you liked/loved about them?

If you think about them, what is something about them that seems important, or makes you smile?

Is there some place that reminds you of them, or that you know they loved going to?

Do you have any rituals that you use to say goodbye to people you have loved?

Here are some of the ways clients of mine have said goodbye to loved ones.

• Light a candle a day for a number of days. I have had many people do this, the number of days varies according to their culture.

• Write a poem about the person, read it out and say goodbye.

• Write a letter to the person then read it out. You could light a candle while you are doing this or go to a place that you feel represents the person you are commemorating.

• Get together with other people who knew the person and celebrate their memory.

• Visit a place they loved to go to and say goodbye there.

• Write a letter to the person and post it. You can address it to any place you want and if you don’t leave a return address on it, it will never return.

• Draw a picture, paint a picture, make an artwork that represents the person.

• Imagine you are sitting with them and talk to them, then say goodbye.

• Buy or make something that represents that person to you and display it in your home.

• Make a memory box and put notes, items that remind you of the person, photos and so on in the box.

• Write on their social media page, saying goodbye.

• Share stories about the person with your own friends/family members.

There are many more ways to say goodbye.

The important thing is to allow yourself to acknowledge your loved one/friend’s death and to give yourself the opportunity to commemorate their life and the end of their life in a way that is meaningful to you.

You may also like to remember them on birthday’s, the anniversary of their death, and so on.

5 do’s and 1 don’t of parenting traumatised children

There are many things in life that traumatise children, from the death of a loved family member or pet, the loss of a house due to fire, being in a natural disaster, a car accident, bullying at school, being in a domestic violence situation, parents separating, and many more.

Despite all the claims that children are resilient and aren’t really affected by these things, this is not true. With the proper support children can grow and recover after a traumatic event. Without the proper support this is unlikely to happen.

Here are 5 do’s for parenting your traumatised child:

Are you coping okay? If you are not, get help. Research has shown that children cope best after traumatic events when their parents are calm and appear to be able to handle the situation the family is in. To do that, you may need counselling to assist with your trauma.
Create a safe space. Keep a space in your home that is calm. This is a space your child can go to when feeling overwhelmed or frightened. It can contain soft toys, cuddly blankets, pillows, favourite books, anything your child may find calming and helpful. Your child must be able to go there without having to ask or explain. You can calmy tell them it is okay to be there and you are available if they need to talk or have a cuddle but then leave them in the space. Make sure you are nearby and they know you are. Allow them to stay there until they are feeling able to come out. It may be a good idea for you to have a safe space to go to be calm as well.
Establish predictability. Have a stable routine so your child can predict what will happen in a day. It may help to write on a board what is happening in the day. Make sure you talk with your child about anything coming up that is different, so they can prepare for it. Predictability feels safe and that is what your child needs.
Build of sense of trust. Be trustworthy. Be there for your child. Defend them. Speak up for their needs. Honour your promises to your child. Follow the household routine. If for any reason you cannot follow that, then explain to your child what has happened. If your child tells you something in confidence, then honour that confidence. Don’t tell other people about what they have said. The only exception to that is where it is necessary for your child’s wellbeing. In that case let your child know you have to do that.
Offer choices. Allow your child to feel in control in their life. Offer them alternatives whenever possible. Even if it is just whether they want a glass of water now or later, or in this cup or that cup. Give them the opportunity to say no or yes.

The final point is a Don’t. It is:

Don’t punish your child for behaviours that are trauma symptoms.

Trauma symptoms include

• Difficulty with concentration

• Being withdrawn

• Being excessively active

• Getting angry easily

• Crying for no apparent reason

• Answering back, refusing to do what they have been told and other “disobedient” behaviours

• Picking on other people

• Being irritable

• Not doing schoolwork

• Not being hungry

• Not able to sleep

• Appearing to regress, such as a child who is toilet trained not using the toilet.

It is always helpful to get professional help for you and your children. For very small children a specialised child counsellor is best (under 5).

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with coping with the situation or help your older child, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

I never knew this was Grief!

Everyone knows the Elizabeth Kübler-Ross model of grief, even if they don’t know what it is called. This model, which was created to describe the process of dying and later applied to grief, states we experience grief in this order: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s model was useful to open up awareness of death and dying. She challenged people to talk about death, not hide it. She challenged out society to not hide death away. She opened people’s awareness to the experience of dying and grief.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross never intended her description of the dying experience to be turned into a rigid model. A model where you were expected to experience stages in a rigid order. A model that was quickly turned into a rigid model to describe grieving.

Nowhere in this idea that you experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance does it mention a very common experience of many bereaved people.

People describe fear. They describe anxiety. They describe panic attacks. They describe lost confidence. They describe being afraid to leave the house. They describe being afraid to be alone, especially at home.

C. S. Lewis, in his book “A Grief Observed”, written after the death of his wife, stated that he had not known that grief felt so much like fear.

So many people describe fear, anxiety, panic attacks, lost confidence. This fear and anxiety is a common part of the grief experience. Yet it is not recognised.

A lot of the anxiety and fear is due to the destruction of the sense of your world being safe and predictable.

Grief is traumatising. The experience of grief is very much the experience of trauma.

So many people are medicated for their anxiety. They see therapists who work on their anxiety. They feel defective. They sometimes feel they are not grieving properly because they are not following the Elizabeth Kübler-Ross model. They feel shame at what they assume is selfishness. They do not understand their anxiety is part of their grief.

For these people, what they are experiencing is a very natural and normal part of grief.

Elizabeth Kübler Ross’s model has been superseded by many other models of grieving. These models, rather than being adapted from a model of dying, are the result of much research and observation of people who are grieving.

It is also important to note that grief is not just about death. People grieve over the end of a relationship, over moving country, area, house, over losing your job, over being burgled, over losing a precious possession, over losing your health, over losing part of your body, over the death of a pet and many more. Anything you lose can be grieved over.

All people who have experienced a loss and are grieving are likely to be feeling anxiety and fear.

No you are not going mad. You are just grieving.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and anxiety, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life.

There is great awareness of grief as a loss, but there is a second aspect that is less well known.

Not many people understand this impact of grief.

When someone you love dies, that you that exists in relationship with them dies also.

One of the most important aspects of moving forward with grief is being able to remake your life.

Remake your life without the one you love in it.

How that looks will depend on what your relationship with that person was and how long that relationship has existed.

A man who has been married to his wife for 60 years will have a massive readjustment to make to his life. He will have to learn who he as a single person is. After all, he has been part of a couple for 60 years. It is most likely that 60 years will have been most of his life. If he was very young when he married, he may never have learned who he was as a single adult. This may be the first time in his life he has to do that.

A woman whose brother had died will most likely be struggling to comprehend the loss of a sibling, especially if the relationship was a close one. She will have to learn who she is as a woman without a brother (or one of her brothers).

A woman who has lost her mother will have to learn who she is as a person in her own right. What is often overlooked in our society is that our parents define who we are. So when that parent is gone, she will need to learn who she is and not see herself through her parent’s eyes.

A man who has lost his daughter will have to learn who he is without his child. If she was his only child then he has to learn who he is now he is no longer the parent of a living child.

The woman who has lost a friend has to redefine herself without that friend.

And so on.

It is hard. Understanding who you are now, and making a new life without that person in it is hard. Most people who come to see me report a loss of confidence. They frequently do not understand why.

The lost confidence is due to the loss of a definition in your life. The definition of partner, sibling, child, parent, friend and so on.

If you experience this, please know you are not going mad. You are experiencing a very common consequence of losing the person you love.

When you find yourself grieving and battling with lost confidence, please be kind to yourself.

Tell yourself it is okay. This is a common reaction to grief.

Allow yourself to be less willing to do things you formerly may have done.

You can challenge yourself to do things, but don’t overdo it. Try at least one thing you are now lacking the confidence to do. Congratulate yourself on each little victory of achievement.

Be patient, it takes time to rebuild your sense of self.

Be open to new ideas.

Trust that in time you will build a new sense of self and it will work well.

If you need to, consult a counsellor to assist you with rebuilding your sense of self.

Consider doing a course, either face to face or online. I am building one of my face to face courses into an online course. It is titled “Who Am I” and will be available to Beta Test in the next few months. If you are interested in it you can subscribe to my newsletter which will provide information on the course when it is available. Please see below for subscription information.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey and/or sense of self, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au