August 2021 – PLC Blog

4 Strategies that help you to grow after losing a loved one to suicide.

Losing someone to suicide is different to any other type of loss.

Why?

It is sudden, usually unexpected and often violent. And it is not at the hand of another person, as with murder, but at the hand of the one who has died.

Such a death is shocking and traumatic.

It makes no sense.

It can take years to accept that it makes no sense.

After such a terrible loss your beliefs about life are shattered.

You can understand someone getting sick and dying. You can understand an accident. But understanding how someone can take action to end their life is so hard to comprehend and understand.

If you witnessed the person taking that action, or were the one who found them that is so much harder. That is traumatising. Many people with this experience who come to see me report dreaming about finding their loved one and having flashbacks to finding them.

Anyone who lost a loved one in this way can dream about how their loved one died, or looked, as their imagination fills in areas of no or little information.

If you have lost a loved one this way you may have noticed people are less supportive than if you have lost a loved one differently. Many people don’t know what to do or say. There are also many taboos and fear around suicide.

The source of a lot of this fear is the uncertainty of trying to keep someone from killing themselves. Sometimes families are aware that their family member is suicidal and try desperately to keep them alive. Counsellors of suicidal people also worry about keeping them alive. It is a stressful time.

For those who had no warning their loved one was suicidal there is the sense that they failed to notice their loved one’s state of mind.

The reality is that all the best suicide experts in the world cannot keep someone from suiciding. This is something out of our control.

That is hard to accept.

I frequently debrief families and colleagues of a person who has suicided and all say the same things to me:

• Why didn’t I see it?

• I thought they were sad, why didn’t I talk to them/get help/stop them.

• I thought they were getting better.

• They express shock, disbelief and horror at what has happened.

I always tell them that it is impossible to predict when someone is planning to kill themselves.

You can get people help, and usually if they were appearing to be down someone has arranged help, but it is up to the person to utilise that help.

It is impossible to know just what is going on in another person’s mind. The idea of someone being so down that death seems a viable option is horrifying. You can ask a person if they are feeling suicidal and they may honestly answer you. They may not.

You are not to blame for the choices your loved one has made.

You want to know why they did it. You will probably never know. You will spend the rest of your life wondering, but you will never know.

Somewhere in all this confusion and turmoil you will find strengths to survive this. Do seek help, one of the biggest risk factors for suicide is being bereaved by suicide. See seeking counselling help as one of the strengths you possess.

The 4 strategies I use when working with you, and ones you can learn to use on your own later, are:

Safety.

This involves finding a imaginary space where you can feel safe. This is where you can go when things seem overwhelming.

People imagine all manner of spaces where they feel safe. Often they are spaces where the person has felt safe in the past. Do you have a space where you have felt safe and could utilise now?

Grounding

Grounding is connecting to the earth. Feeling yourself supported and energised by the energy of the earth. Feeling the safety of your connection to the earth.

I may teach you exercises to ground yourself.

Mindfulness

Being aware of your thoughts and feelings is important. Part of mindfulness is noticing these feelings and thoughts, naming them, and learning to only engage with them when you are able to.

This allows you to work through the difficult and painful process of grieving. It allows you to choose the times when you feel ready to deal with this pain. It will take time, and you will not always be able to control this, but over time learning mindfulness will help you take control of your life and learn to live with your loss.

With mindfulness, you will be able to learn to be with your difficult thoughts and emotions in a controlled way that allows you to process them.

Window of Tolerance

The Window of Tolerance is where you can feel in control of your emotions and actions and are able to cope with things that happen to you.

Being bereaved, especially by suicide, is going to throw you outside your Window of Tolerance a lot. Any time you find yourself crying uncontrollably. Any time you feel you can’t cope with going to work, leaving the house, going home, and so on, you are moving outside your Window of Tolerance.

In time you do move back into that Window space. Feeling so out of control is not permanent. It is just an aspect of bereavement. Understanding this is only temporary is helpful.

It is also possible for you to learn how to get back into that Window space as you grieve.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to live with the suicide loss of your loved one, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

The wise way of dealing with pain

      "Grandma how do you deal with pain?"

      "With your hands, dear. When you do it with your mind, the pain hardens even more."

      “With your hands, grandma?"

      "Yes, yes. Our hands are the antennas of our soul. When you move them by sewing, cooking, painting, touching the earth or sinking it into the earth, they send signals of caring to the deepest part of you and your soul calms down.

      This way she doesn't have to send pain anymore to show it.

      "Are hands really that important?"

      "Yes my girl. Thinking of babies: they get to know the world thanks to their touches. When you look at the hands of older people, they tell more about their lives than any other part of the body. Everything that is made by hand, so is said, is made with the heart because it really is like this: hands and heart are connected. Masseuses know this: When they touch another person's body with their hands, they create a deep connection. Thinking of lovers: When their hands touch, they love each other in the most sublime way."

      “My hands grandma... how long haven't I used them like that!"

      "Move them my girl, start creating with them and everything in you will move. The pain will not pass away. But it will be the best masterpiece. And it won't hurt anymore. Because you managed to embroider your essence."

      - Elena Barnabé

I read this beautiful narrative some years ago.

It has guided me in my work with those who are grieving a loss.

I have noticed that many people who are grieving keep their hands still.

When I encourage even gentle, creative movements of the hands, their pain starts to feel more controllable and less overwhelming.

I often use art as a creative hand movement with people who come to see me.

On occasion I guide people through gentle movements of the hands to music.

If you can play a musical instrument you can play that. Many people find that soothing.

One memorable client became part of a drumming group.

The wisdom of the grandmother in Elena Barnabé’s story was great.

Creative movements with the hands will help heal the heart.

Why don’t you try it?

Grab a piece of paper and something to draw or colour with and drawer swirls of colour, shapes, anything you want.

Or move your hands to a piece of music you love to hear or make that music.

Or you could even join a drumming group.

What if the signposts for healing are those negative emotions we love to avoid?

Despite all efforts to dismiss emotions as unnecessary and best ignored, they hold great power over our behaviour and our state of well being.

We have emotions that make us feel happy and safe. Emotional states we never want to leave.

We have emotions that overwhelm us and leave us feeling totally out of control. These are the ones we wish never to experience again.

But these overwhelming emotions are important if we are to break their hold on us.

Overwhelming emotions are usually accompanied by stories, or parts of them anyway. These stories are the traumatic times in our lives. Times when we felt alone, friendless, unsupported and undefended.

There is the story of the girl facing a scary monster that has terrorised her for years. When she comes face to face with it, she discovers it is tiny. It wasn’t as hard to deal with as she thought.

It is like this with those overwhelming emotions. Much as you want to ignore them there is a benefit in standing and acknowledging they exist. There is a benefit in exploring those dark places of overwhelming emotions.

Feeling these emotions is uncomfortable and painful. This pain is felt in the same brain area as physical pain. So those emotions are no lightweight exploration.

It is difficult to explore overwhelming emotions. We are taught in this society that we don’t have problems. Have you ever noticed that in learning a foreign language the first words you are often taught are: “Hello, How are you?” “I am well thank you and you?”. A not so subtle message that we are never to answer in a negative way.

And when you go to discuss a problem with someone you will often find them brushing your problems aside or finding an excuse to leave.

Another problem with overwhelming emotions is that many people are taught to fear these emotions. These are bad emotions you must never experience. Emotions such as sadness and anger are stigmatised as bad. No surprise then that many people are frightened of those emotions in themselves and others.

Another problem with overwhelming emotions is that we are taught to put them aside in case we upset someone else. Instead we are expected to put another person’s emotions ahead of our own. That if we “upset” another person we are bad.

As a result, you may have learned to suppress the overwhelming emotions. Of course, this doesn’t work. It only makes them stronger and harder to control. They may go away for a time but in the darkness of suppression they fester and grow. In the meantime, those undercurrents of emotion add to your stress levels. They alter your perception of other people and what is happening around you. They make you depressed or anxious. Suppressing negative feelings only worsens them.

Emotions are important for us. They are flags that nudge us to continue a pleasurable activity, or leave a dangerous situation, or right a wrong.

Emotions help us process grief, a traumatic event, the sadness of an ended relationship. When acknowledged and attended to, they help us maintain good mental health.

A word of caution. Overwhelming emotions are difficult to explore if you don’t have helpful skills to calm yourself. If you don’t have those skills, then it is essential you see a trauma trained therapist who can teach them to you.

Even if you do have calming skills, it is important to have a trauma trained companion to support you in facing these emotions. This is where the trauma trained therapist can be helpful. They can then support you through the exploration of those overwhelming emotions.

We are made for connection. That is how our brains are wired. Despite our society teaching us that overwhelming emotions are bad and should not be discussed, we actually need to talk about them. This is where a trauma trained therapist can provide that connection. In that space you can face those overwhelming emotions and know you will be supported and accepted.

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I am a trauma trained counsellor. I know how to teach you the skills you need to calm yourself. I am also able to support you in facing these emotions. I can be a safe connection for you as you face those emotions. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your overwhelming emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How to run towards the hurt of grief

In my work with grieving people, I find two responses to the pain of grief.

One group of people accept the pain and work with it.

The other group of people run away from the pain.

Many years ago, I read a story about teams installing electricity poles. The most dangerous time in the entire installation is when the pole has been placed in the ground. It is in these moments before the pole is secured that it is most likely to fall over. The instinct should this happen is to run away from the falling pole. But the installers are taught the safest response is to run towards the pole and put their hands on it.

This is a great metaphor for pain. We instinctively run away from pain. We dare not look at a wound for fear of what we might see. We don’t want to be frightened by the reality of what has happened. We don’t want to feel the pain because we are frightened it will be too much for us to handle.

But to heal, we need to know what the wound is. We need to accept the wound. We need to examine the many elements of the wound.

To explain this, I am going to use the metaphor of a physical wound.

I once cut the side of my finger on a mandolin slicer. I immediately wrapped my hand in a tea towel and pressed on it. I didn’t know what I had done, or how bad it was. All I knew is that there was blood everywhere and it hurt but was also numb.

Eventually I decided I needed to look at my finger.

I unwrapped the tea towel, expecting the profuse bleeding to recommence.

Fortunately there was not too much blood coming out of the wound. I was able to see that I had not cut the edge of my finger off, but there was a very deep cut that ran into the edge of my fingernail.

I realised the wound was not as serious as I had imagined.

Because I was able to look at the wound I was able to reassure myself and treat the wound. As a nurse, I knew I needed to examine and treat the wound to allow good healing.

Some years later I sprained my ankle badly and was told not to put weight on it until it was healed. When the time came to put weight on my ankle, I was frightened to do it. I remembered that my foot was excruciatingly painful to put weight on when I had first sprained it. I was afraid of experiencing pain. But I did put weight on it and discovered that it no longer hurt to do that.

In the end, it was my fear of experiencing pain that held me back from walking on my ankle again.

If we take these metaphors and apply them to the terrible wound of grief we can see that there is initially an overwhelming outpouring of pain. The pain is raw and there is some numbness there too.

It is not possible to look at or examine the wound. We are in shock.

But over time the shock eases and we can start to explore the wound.

We can overcome our fear of feeling pain and see exactly what the wound is. We can change our attitude to the wound. Once we do that we can heal it.

Buddhist philosophy says that most suffering is caused by our attitude to a wound, not the wound itself. In fact the more we resist our pain, the more we suffer.

It is human nature to make meaning of everything. But we don’t like the meaning to be too complicated, or too random. We want there to be a cause, someone or something to blame. We want there to be someone who will be punished for the event. If there is no one to blame, then life is random and that is really hard to accept. We prefer certainty not uncertainty.

In order to heal, you need to accept the painful wounds of grief.

You need to accept your responsibility in the wound and in healing it.

You need to accept how life is now.

Yes, when you explore your wounds it is unpleasant and painful.

But for healing to occur it is what you must do.

You need to explore your pain, your attitude to the pain and you need to find how to live with the pain.

When you do this, the pain reduces and you find the strength to continue living and heal.

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If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with being able to run towards the hurt of grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The path of grief recovery

It may seem like a no brainer. But for many people facing grief there is a belief that they will “get over it” quickly and in a lovely straight progression.

If only!

Unfortunately grief is not like that.

It is more like a twisting tangle that progresses and regresses, that goes up towards your goal of “getting over it” and down towards the original pain.

This is what my two “Demeter’s Journey” groups have been discussing.

All of them agreed their experience of grief was not the straightforward “recovery” they expected it to be.

That idea is so pervasive in our culture, that most of the group felt they were failing or were mentally ill because they were not experiencing a straightforward “recovery”

It was such a relief to them to know they were experiencing the ups and downs, the forward steps and backward steps, the going around in circles, of the rest of the group.

As many have said to me, “I thought I was going mad. Now I know I am just like everyone else.”

All the group participants found it useful to see a counsellor, someone knowledgeable about grief and objective, who could listen without judgement.

The reality of grief is that it is never a straight line.

And that is perfectly okay.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your path of grief recovery, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Next year I will be running Demeter’s Journey again on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland. If you are interested in being part of that, please email me.