June 2022 – PLC Blog

The “problem” of crying in public

One of the problems of living in our modern society is the pressure to conform to a “don’t rock the boat” pattern of behaviour.

This includes

• not crying in public, unless everyone else is

• not getting angry about something, unless everyone else is

• needing something that other people aren’t prepared to give

• needing time alone when other people expect you to be sociable

• needing to be sad when others are having a happy time and expect you to do so as well

• not inconveniencing anyone else with your needs.

DON’T ROCK THE BOAT

This is a particular problem when you have suffered an event that modern society has so removed from view that reacting to that event is considered a “don’t rock the boat” pattern of behaviour.

I am referring here to Grief.

One of the biggest issues people who come to see me report is the fear of crying in public.

Is this something that you experience?

A FIRST QUESTION

My first question is:

• What is it like for you to have the experience of crying in public?

• Is this something embarrassing?

• Do you feel there is a taboo on crying in public?

• Is it something you notice other people feel uncomfortable about, so you try not to do it?

• Do you feel judged, as though you are somehow not mentally stable, because you are crying in public?

• Do you feel other people shut you down when you cry? Are you told to stop? Are you offered platitudes such as “They are in a better place” “Heaven wanted another angel” or demands to stop such as “You’ve got to pull yourself together”?

• Is this your experience, or is your experience something else?

THE NEXT QUESTION

My next question would likely be:

• What if it was okay to cry in public? What if it didn’t matter what other people thought and you just did it anyway?

Our society is very good at putting a taboo on overt emotions. No emotions other than happiness are well tolerated. The difficult emotions are definitely not okay by our society’s standards.

It is one reason we rush to remove those uncomfortable emotions and the events behind them from public view.

HIDING DEATH FROM PUBLIC VIEW

Very few people get to die in their own homes. They are usually in hospital or, if they are lucky, they are in a palliative care unit. As long as they are not out there, visible, in the community everyone is happy.

CHANGING SOCIETY

Change in society occurs gradually and usually because some trailblazers take the courageous step of behaving differently in public.

Of course when you are grieving and your world is in pieces it is difficult, often impossible, to take the conscious step to challenge society’s taboo on displaying uncomfortable emotions.

So change in this area is very slow. It often involves those supporting the grieving person being the ones who challenge the taboo.

EXPECT TO CRY FOR A VERY LONG TIME

Another issue with this public display of emotion is that grief is not over in a matter of hours or days. It stretches on for months and years. In fact, grief never ends. It gets easier and the tears are less frequent, but there is still the possibility of them for the rest of your life.

My question here is, Are you okay with the possibility of public tears a few years from now? Are you okay with the fact that each day carries the possibility of being sad?

DO YOU WANT TO STOP CRYING OR THE REASON BEHIND THE CRYING?

So many people who come to see me just want to stop crying and being sad. But is it the crying you want to stop? Or is it the reason for the crying? When you try to imagine life without the one you love, do you ever want to be okay with that? Or do you want to always love them yet live as well. This of course carries the risk of crying in public. Can you live with that?

DO YOU NEED TO TALK AND BE HEARD?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and learning to live with the tears, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Grieving is Learning

If you look at the grief of loss as a learning experience then it is easier to understand the length of time it takes. This is particularly so if you consider that learning is a lifetime pursuit.

LOSS OF NORMAL ROUTINES

One of the really disorienting aspects of grief is the loss of normal routines and events of life when someone you love dies.

This is especially so if this person was very present in your life. The more your life intersected theirs, the more the disruption of normal routines and events.

With time, new normal routines are formed. Of course, that does not solve the pain over the absence in your life of that person you loved.

The process of finding those new normal routines is what the first period of grief is about. That is the part where life is most disrupted and there is a struggle to just get through each day.

YOUR BRAIN LEARNING NEW ROUTINES

This is the period of greatest learning. It is about learning to adjust everything in you and your life to match the new environment you find yourself in.

Before you think that sounds like an insurmountable thing to achieve, consider the fact that your brain knows exactly what to do. Every day of your life you have to adjust to things that are changing.

• You have to adjust to the weather when getting dressed.

• You have to adjust to the need to keep dry when it is raining.

• You may have to drive a different route home because of a road closure.

• You can’t find what you want at the shops and have to find something else instead.

• Someone at work may leave, or someone new may start.

• You may be more challenged by starting a new job or moving house.

NEURAL PATHWAYS IN YOUR BRAIN

These are just some examples of the way your brain has to constantly adjust to changes.

Some changes are more difficult to adjust to than others. You may not see those changes as difficult. If you start a new job, your brain has to adjust to that routine. But you will more likely see this as exciting and a bit stressful. The same applies to moving house.

Other changes may not be exciting. When someone you love dies that is not an exciting thing initially.

WHEN ROUTINE CATCHES YOU UP

We are creatures of habit and our brains ensure we are by establishing neural pathways that lead us to follow habits of thought and action.

An example of this is waking up in the morning. Assuming you are at home, you expect to open your eyes and see the same room, the same view, the same people. If the person who has always slept beside you is gone that is a shock. Your neural pathways are telling you to expect certain things in the morning and one of those expectations is not met.

So you wake up, they are not there, and you experience the crushing reality of their absence.

NEURAL PATHWAYS TAKE TIME TO FORM

It takes time for neural pathways to form. The usual estimate for adults is three months. So for roughly three months you will experience that crushing reality every day.

And this pattern is repeated throughout the day.

Small wonder you find it hard to cope.

This forming of new neural pathways is learning. This learning is the major task your brain undertakes as you grieve.

GRIEF SHATTERS THE PREDICTABILITY OF YOUR WORLD

When your loved one dies your nice predictable world is shattered. It doesn’t exist anymore. Those early months and maybe years after a loved one’s death is a time of learning to find a new predictable world to replace the old one.

Not only does grief shatter our predictable world, it can shatter our sense of who we are. We are built for relationships. We love the people we are in relationship with. Part of that love is forming an identity that includes the people we love. If one of those people dies, then our sense of self is also shattered.

THE ROLE OF MEMORY IN GRIEF

Memory plays a huge part in how we relate to others and therefore how we grieve.

We use our life experiences in living our lives. Our memories of past experiences teach us to fear things that in the past were dangerous. They teach us to predict the outcome of an event based on past experience of similar events. That is sometimes referred to as pattern matching and it is often used in our brain’s defence systems.

PATTERN MATCHING IN YOUR BRAIN

Pattern matching is never exact or our brains would rarely be able to predict danger. Pattern matching works by looking for similarities in order to predict danger.

Pattern matching is also used to predict good things. If you see your loved one, pattern matching may lead you to predict they will smile, kiss and hug you.

These pattern matches are neural pathways that also need to change. So you will find it hard learning to feel that your loved one is dead. You will see someone in a crowd and you will be sure they are your loved one.

This pattern match may also be present in that your first reaction when something happens is to text or call your loved one to tell them about it. Then there is the crushing realisation that they aren’t there.

UNLEARNING AND BUILDING NEW NEURAL PATHWAYS

Unlearning that pattern match is another thing your brain has to do.

So many people who have lost a loved one report a strong desire to be with the person who has died. This is another example of neural pathways that are yet to be rebuilt. You are hurting and your brain is offering up a solution – contact with the person your love. Unfortunately, the brain hasn’t quite registered they are not there. Well, the part that yearns hasn’t registered that.

Over time, new neural pathways form and it is possible to live without such constant pain. You will wake up in the morning and know they are not there anymore. You will learn a new sense of self. You will know not to call or text your loved one.

You will never stop loving that person. The pain of their absence will never go away. What will happen is that the love and pain will exist alongside the need to live in the here and now.

As you live through the time of your brain learning new ways of living, be patient with yourself. You are doing great. It will eventually get better. You will learn how to live again.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief learning, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

6 Steps to Solving a Problem

So often when challenges occur in life you can get caught up in the situation and lose the objectivity you need to find a solution.

Past experiences and hurts can cloud how you perceive the challenge.

Self beliefs that are disempowering can also impede your ability to solve the challenge.

Once you reach that stage of believing it is too hard to solve then the challenge becomes a problem.

Here are some things you can try to help you see more clearly and find a solution. Write down the answers to your questions as the process of writing and seeing what you have written is a wonderful way to get a bit of distance between you and the problem:

What have I tried already to solve the problem?

You have usually already tried to solve a challenge a few different ways before you perceive it as a problem. What are those ways? Write down you answer with just facts and no emotional interpretations of what you have done.

Getting caught up in the emotions makes it hard to be objective. When subjectivity fails to solve a problem you need objectivity to see solutions.

How will I know when the problem is no longer a problem?

There are always challenges in life that can become problems when you can’t solve them. What often happens is you find a solution and the problem is no longer a problem. The question to answer here is what would be happening for you so you no longer see this problem as a problem?

Finding that answer will help you break the problem down into parts that are more easily resolved. You will likely find that some parts of the problem don’t need to be solved.

So the question here is which parts need solving in order for the problem to no longer be a problem?

When is this challenge not a problem?

Things can happen that are challenging but you are able to manage the challenge without it becoming a problem. The addition of one or two factors may make this challenge a problem. That can give you the clue as to what you need to focus on to resolve the problem.

The question here is what is present in this challenge that makes it into a problem?

What is present when the problem occurs?

This is similar to the previous question. Just as factors in a challenge may make it feel like a problem, situations at the time of a challenge can make it feel like a problem.

In answering this question you may realise that there are certain situations that feel overwhelming or disempowering. If a challenge occurs in those situations they you struggle to solve the challenge and it becomes a problem.

This questions allows you to separate the other factors that are present from the actual problem.

What is the difference between when the problem exists and when it doesn’t?

The problem is causing some form of distress for you. What is that? What is happening for you when this problem is present that isn’t happening when the problem is not there? Pay attention to that. It will help you to understand how this problem is a problem and give you some ideas as to how you can solve it.

How can I redefine the problem so that it is more solvable?

There is that saying that “one man’s meat is another man’s poison”. One of the applications of that saying is that what one person perceives as a problem another person does not perceive as a problem.

Sometimes a problem is this way because that is how you perceive it. If you look at the problem from a different perspective it does not seem such a problem. This is what redefining means.

One example is your car getting a flat battery. While you are waiting for help jump starting the car you can:

. worry about the things you need to do that are now being delayed, or

. you can choose to accept that you day is going to be different and notice the glorious skies, or

. you may catch up on some phone calls you needed to make, or

. you may spend time planning your next holiday.

The list is endless. You can choose to see the disruption as an opportunity to catch up on other things, or just chill, or you can choose to see the disruption as something bad.

If you find you frequently have problems in your life that you can’t resolve it can be helpful to talk to someone else about it.

It can be difficult just putting these steps in place. It takes time to learn these skills and sometimes you may need help learning the skills.

Sometimes it is best to talk to a professional about this.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning how to solve problems, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grieving is a matter of relearning how to be in the world – Thomas Attig

I love this statement.

Why? Because over the course of my life I have observed that to be very true.

So often when bad things happen:

• You lose your job

• You move to a new area and leave all your support networks

• Your dog dies

• A relationship ends

• You lose your health

• Someone you love dies

• And more

You struggle to get back to life as it was.

But the reality is that will never happen.

When you lose something or someone important to you, grieving for that loss changes who you are.

Once you change, you cannot go back to how you were. All you can do is move forward into the new person that you are.

This means the way you relate to the world has changed, because you have.

If you have changed then the way you are in the world has changed too.

The end result is that you need to learn how to be in the world now, as the new you.

That is not easy. It is not necessarily desirable. But it is a fact. It is what it is. All you can do is learn how to be in the world as you are now.

If you are struggling with this, it can be helpful to seek professional help from a registered counsellor.

I am a registered counsellor and if you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with relearning how to be in the world, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How childhood stress affects you in adulthood

Would you be horrified if I told you that some childhood stress will shorten your life expectancy by 10-20 years?

Maybe you would struggle to believe that. For generations adults have told themselves that children are resilient and get over things. But do they?

Extensive research has shown that some types of childhood stress have exactly this impact on life expectancy. This stress is referred to as toxic stress.

These types of childhood stress are called adverse childhood experiences. There is an acronym for that – ACE.

ACEs

High ACE scores have been linked in research to premature death, a large number of health conditions including mental health problems, heart disease, and lung cancer.

The types of stress included in ACEs include physical and emotional abuse, neglect, household dysfunction, parents struggling with substance abuse or mental health issues, sexual abuse just to name a few.

The truth is childhood trauma is not something you “get over” or “grow out of”.

CHILDREN’S BRAINS ARE IMPACTED BY ACEs

The repeated stress of ACEs has well observed impacts on the way the brain develops. These impacts are observable across the person’s lifetime.

ACEs were described in the 1990s and have been the subject of much research since then. The original researchers noted that ACEs are very common, in all strata of society. A person from a middle class or high socio-economic level is just as likely to have experienced ACEs as a child from an impoverished background.

IMPACTS OF ACEs

Other findings are that high ACE scores are consistent with poor adult life outcomes including significantly higher risk of heart disease, diabetes, obesity, depression, substance abuse, mental health issues, suicide, smoking, poor academic achievement, homelessness, incarceration, being a victim of domestic violence, unemployment and early death.

That is quite horrifying. But how do stressful things that happen to children impact on adulthood? The answer is toxic stress. Toxic stress in a child is stress that leads to frequent, prolonged and excessive activation of the body’s stress response systems. This has a negative impact on the child’s developing brain, immune system, metabolic regulation and cardiovascular system. It has been described as overrevving the body over a long period of time so that it wears out and problems develop.

WHEN STRESS IS A PROBLEM FOR CHILDREN

Children will experience stress. It is part of life. Where it becomes a problem is where there is no supportive adult or adults present to cushion the impact of the stress. For example, research has shown that during crises in the life of a family, the children of the family will be less impacted by the stress if their parents are able to cope well and support their children.

WHAT ARE ACEs?

Initially ACEs were classified as:

• Neglect

• Physical abuse

• Emotional abuse

• Sexual abuse

• Domestic or family violence

• A parent with mental health issues

• A parent with substance abuse issues

• A parent in prison

• Lack of attunement between parent and child

Over time there has been a broadening of what is considered to be an ACE to include:

• Homelessness

• Natural disasters

• War

• Being a refugee

• Violence in the community

• Racism

• Chronic poverty

• And so on.

TRAUMA, ACEs AND TOXIC STRESS

Trauma is a large part of ACEs and toxic stress. Trauma is generally considered to be any stressful experience where there is great adversity or terror and the emotional responses to those experiences. This involves toxic stress and is a major part of any ACE.

HOW CHILDREN REACT TO TRAUMA

In children, trauma will often play out in behaviours where the child withdraws or acts out. Some children will develop ADHD type behaviours. Others may become aggressive and pick fights with other children. Some may withdraw and even self harm. Bullying behaviours are sometimes the result of trauma.

The child who steals cars, breaks into homes, vandalises things ifs often a child who is suffering from ACEs.

It is important to recognise the acting out behaviour of children as likely due to trauma.

Many years ago I worked in a shop and caught a boy stealing. He was only 12 and had started this destructive behaviour after his father had left his marriage. The boy was so broken and miserable. It broke my heart to see his pain.

WHAT HAPPENS IN ADULTHOOD?

ACE affected children grow into adulthood. It is important to consider that if you are ACE affected you are not irreparably damaged. You can get help.

It is important to see a Trauma trained therapist. Working with trauma is a highly specialised field. It is important to find out what experience a prospective therapist has in the trauma field.

WHAT THERAPY SHOULD I SEEK OUT?

Therapy to heal the impact of ACE is not a 10 session solution. The impacts on your brain have taken a long time to form and they need a long time to change. Brain growth slows over the age of 26 and you need to grow many new neural pathways. So expect these changes to take a long time.

Much of trauma is stored in the areas of the brain and body that cannot be consciously accessed. For this reason, talk only therapies are not very effective in healing trauma.

Finding a therapist who works with different approaches such as, to name a few, somatic approaches, art therapy, expressive therapies, EMDR, EFT as well as some talk therapy is important. In Australia the Blue Knot Foundation and its guidelines are the gold standard for trauma therapists. A good trauma therapist will have completed training with them.

HOW LONG DOES THERAPY TAKE?

Expect to spend a long time working on your trauma. I recommend you come to work on a problem. This may take regular sessions over a number of months. The sessions will be frequent at first and decrease in frequency as time goes on. You work on a particular aspect of your trauma, then allow time for that healing to consolidate.

You may take a break from therapy while that consolidation takes place. At some time in the future you will feel the need to seek therapy for another aspect of your trauma. You may go back to the same therapist or find a new one.

HOW I CAN HELP

I am a trauma trained therapist, have received training through the Blue Knot Foundation and I adhere to their guidelines. I also have extensive experience working with trauma affected individuals. All the therapies listed above are used by me in my work.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your ACEs and their impacts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au