May 2023 – PLC Blog

So You Think You Are Going Mad? What Can You Expect From Grieving?

There are assumptions about the experience of grief which are wrong and leave people feeling there is something wrong with them. When people reach out to others they are often met with ignorance around their feelings being part of grief. Even professionals can get it wrong.

When I run grief and loss groups, one of the first things I do is to encourage participants to share their experience of grief. For me, when I first attended a grief and loss group many years ago, it was a revelation how many of the things I experienced were well known grief experiences. For the first time in many years I realised I wasn’t mad!

I want other people to realise they are not mad either.

Below is a list of the experiences participants have shared over the years. The participants range in age from 10 to 90. It is important to remember that our experience of grief will change depending on the life stage we are in. So a 10 year old will experience things differently to a 90 year old.

How many of the things on this list have you experienced? Do you have anything to add? If you go to my facebook page Plentiful Life Exploration you can add your own words. The page can be accessed here: (1) Plentiful Life Exploration | Facebook (you will need to join the group to respond).

Below is my list. I would love to hear about your experiences:

Shock
Withdrawal
Confusion
Feeling sick
Insomnia
Disbelief
Voices and visions
Low energy
Numbness
Frustration
Anger
Relief
Depression
Keeping Busy
Weak
Panic
Going crazy
Rejection
Questioning
Loneliness
Preoccupation
Emptiness
Scared
Powerlessness
Aggression
Adjustment
Helpless
Guilt and regrets
Disorientation
Sadness
Emotional outbursts
Fear
Indifference
Crying
Idealisation
I don’t know how to feel
Lost sense of self.
Uncertainty
Can’t stop crying
Embarrassed at crying in public
Lost meaning in life
Unable to cope with everything
lack of concentration
day dreaming
inability to fulfill a grief expectation such as:
can’t cry when I should, can’t cry when I want, laugh when I should be sad
inappropriate laughter
denial
Regression to earlier life stage
Problems with transition from primary secondary or secondary tertiary education
Opposing pressures – family; society; peer group
Conflict : parents, teachers
Loss of childhood role
Body image
Concern for future
Awareness of reality and personal limitations
Concern about popularity
Fear of ridicule
Lack of confidence
Relationship breakdown
Academic performance
Sexuality
Drug & alcohol concerns
Eating disorders
Concern for environment, planet
truancy
delinquency, anti-social behaviour
work deterioration in school

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Caring For A Grieving Friend And Yourself

When someone we know is in pain, our natural reaction is to try to make them feel better. Some of this response is learned behaviour as this is how our society teaches us to respond to another person’s pain. Some of the response is personal discomfort at seeing another person in pain.

The urge to help someone feel better is frequently the response we choose to the pain we see in another person.

Your Grieving Friend Doesn’t Need To “Feel Better”

When a person is grieving, no amount of “feel better” actions will help them feel better. They are in pain and only time will bring them to a point of being able to feel better.

The Pain Of Isolation

It may not be obvious, or something you think about, but the biggest difficulty for those who are grieving is isolation. The pain of grief is very individual and very isolating. You have lost the person you deeply love and the world for you has stopped. But the world for others has not stopped.

They are feeling terrible pain, but others cannot relate to that. Even others who have loved that person as well will feel their pain differently.

This is terribly isolating.

Isolation is very difficult to cope with at the best of times, but when you are grieving it is worse.

Platitude Peril

Sometimes the very platitudes you have learned to say, because others have said them in the past, make the person who is grieving feel more isolated. Feel that people don’t understand what they are going through.

Some of the platitudes are:

• “They are an angel in heaven now.”

• “At least you had x (amount of time) together”.

• “You can always have another one”.

• “It’s time to move on”.

• “Try to keep busy”.

• “They had a good life”.

These types of statements are really unhelpful and send a strong message that there is something wrong with the person and they need to stop grieving.

Quick, Let’s Pretend They Never Existed

Other people will avoid even mentioning the person’s grief. They will act as though the person never existed. That is so incredibly hurtful. It is as if the person who has died never existed. And that hurts.

For the person grieving, they want to remember that the one who has died existed. That they mattered. That their life was worthwhile. It is very hurtful to act as though their loved one didn’t exist. I have had it done to me and it was devastating to encounter that behaviour.

It Is Hard To Face The Reality Of Death

In this life bad things happen. As we all die, it is a certainty that you will encounter death in your lifetime. Death does not always happen to old people who have lived long, fruitful lives.

It happens to young children, to a young person whose life has ended before it had a chance to begin, to a young parent whose children will lose a parent long before it is time for that to happen, to someone in the prime of life.

It can happen in unfair circumstances due to accidents, random events, even the actions of another.

Safety And Security Is Shattered By Grief

When you love someone you feel safe and secure in that relationship. The warmth and security of the relationship has a deep impact on your sense of well being. Your heart sings with the joy you feel in the relationship with that other person. You are full of love and it feels wonderful.

Then suddenly all that safety, security, joy and love is gone. And it hurts.

That pain. The sadness. The devastation. The confusion and disbelief. All that is natural.

Grief Can’t Be Pushed Away, It Must Be Felt

Grief is a pain that has to be experienced. It can’t be pushed away.

This is why you can’t fix another person’s pain.

They have to experience it and process it.

Yes it will hurt. But suppressing those feelings of pain is a major cause of depression.

The pain has to be experienced. It is the only way the pain can be processed. It is the only way to make meaning of the loss.

What Can I Do To Support My Friend?

In supporting someone you know who is grieving, the support they need from you is to feel less isolated.

This involves just being with them. Don’t try to fix anything. Let them know you are there, no matter what. Let them know it is okay for them to feel devastated, or angry, or like crying or any other reaction they may have.

Just be there. Listen to what they have to say. Don’t try to fix anything, just listen. They need a witness to their pain and you can be that.

Don’t force them to talk. If they want to talk, listen. If they want to be quiet, be quiet with them.

Don’t Forget Self Care

In supporting your grieving friend do ensure you take care of yourself. It is hard to be in the presence of such pain. You may need to take a break every so often.

You may find you need to limit your time with them. That is okay. You have to care for yourself first or you will not be able to care for anyone else.

Let your friend know you can spend some time with them and then leave. Let them know when you can next spend time with them.

If you are struggling with the uncertainty of their grief and the feelings that come up for you around death seeing a counsellor can be helpful.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your feelings around death, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Cry For Help

Have you met someone who is constantly telling you their horror story of a traumatic past?

Maybe you do this yourself?

Many people will tell me they retell the story because they can’t let go of it.

I totally get that. I have told and retold my own trauma stories often.

I thought it was to have someone witness my story.

And to a certain extent that was correct. I did want my story witnessed. Just as many people who come to see me want their story witnessed.

I hear you, I believe you.

You want someone to say I hear you.

You want someone to say what was done to you was horrible. A child shouldn’t have been treated that way.

You want to hear the horrified reaction of your listener as they hear your horrible story.

It is important to be heard, believed, and have the extent of your trauma acknowledged.

But there is something more that prompts you to tell the story over and over.

I need help

It is the wounded child seeking help. When that story happened to you as a child, no one came to your assistance. You needed help. Desperately. And no help came.

The next time you feel the need to tell your story, ask yourself. Am I seeking help?

If the answer is yes, then you are the adult who can help your wounded child.

You may not feel able to help your wounded child, and that is where counselling from a trauma professional can be helpful.

And if it is someone you care about who needs help for their wounded child, don’t dismiss them. Listen, ask if their wounded child needs help, and encourage them to see a counsellor.

Can I help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your wounded child, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Writing a Goodbye Letter

Sometimes when someone you love dies, the death is drawn out and you have time to say to each other what you wanted to say.

Sometimes there is no opportunity to say goodbye. Maybe the person you loved died suddenly. Maybe you didn’t have time to get there. Maybe they weren’t conscious. Maybe you felt constrained and unable to say what you wanted to say.

Maybe you planned to say goodbye at the funeral but you weren’t able to get there. Or you attended the funeral and never found the opportunity to say goodbye. Or you weren’t ready at that stage to say goodbye.

For many reasons you can be left after the death of someone you love feeling that you never had the chance to say goodbye. Not properly anyway.

I often suggest people may want to write a goodbye letter.

Some people hesitate, not sure what to write. So I have this template I use as a suggestion of what they may want to write.

                      Template for the Letter

To (write the name of the person you loved)

I am writing this to say goodbye because (write here why you are saying goodbye now).

Saying goodbye in this letter is important to me because I feel (what is it like for you to say goodbye?)

I remember a time when (what are your memories that you think are important to put in this letter?)

You taught me (what do you want them to know that they taught you?)

Something I want you to know is (this can be as short or long as you want it to be)

I will always remember (again, this can be as short or long as you want it to be)

Love from …

Once you have written your letter you can keep it, post it, tear it up and throw the pieces somewhere the person you loved liked to be, burn it or anything else you can think of.

Even if the person died years ago, it is never too late to send that goodbye letter.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au