Feelings/Emotions

How Past Trauma Interferes With The Quality of Your Life

Do you struggle to feel joy, peace and love? Did you know that the unresolved, lingering residue of past overwhelming experiences can get in the way of your ability to feel anything at all?

Many people think there is something wrong with them because they don’t feel the same joy, peace and love they see others feel. I have lost track of the number of people who wonder if they are narcissistic because they can’t feel love for others, even those closest to them.

Many people when honest will admit to not feeling much of anything. There may be transient occasional glimmers of joy and love but it is only ever fleeting.

The reality for these people is that their experience is a natural aftermath of trauma.

Trauma Leads To Numbing

Numbing yourself from emotions is a normal biological reaction to serious trauma. According to trauma researcher and psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, trauma is any painful experience that the individual cannot escape and which overwhelms the individual’s capacity to cope.

For children exposed to trauma that capacity has had little if any development so it doesn’t take much to overwhelm them. For adults the extent of their ability to cope will depend on what opportunities were present in childhood to development the capacity to cope.

Why The Brain Numbs and the Impacts

Survival when experiencing overwhelming stress depends on the ability to shut down the areas of the brain that are involved in transmitting the terrifying feelings and emotions experienced in trauma.

The trouble with this shut down is that both negative and positive feelings and emotions are shut down. Many trauma survivors will report feeling like their feelings are frozen and they are separated from those they love by a wall of thick glass.

This is described as emotional detachment, desensitisation, depersonalisation, alexithymia and dissociation.

If you would like to learn more see my blog: Alexithymia. What is it and do I have it? – PLC Blog

The Problem With Numbing

Imagine not fully experiencing the joy of an amazing piece of music, of a loved one’s touch or an amazing sunset. Imagine instead that you experience only a fraction of the joy such things normally evoke. What you can experience is subdued.

The problem extends to losing the ability to recognise what you are feeling. Reacting to things is often numbed or at best delayed. Making sense of what is going on is really difficult. Being able to look internally and be aware of what you are thinking and feeling and understanding what is actually happening for you doesn’t happen, or may happen much later when it is safe to think.

Why “Quick Fix” Therapies Don’t Work

It is very popular at the moment for people to seek “quick fix” therapies that promise to immediately switch off these problem areas. But these quick fixes don’t work in the long term. Learning to switch on the blocked brain areas takes time. Trauma pathways need to be downgraded and new neuronal networks need to grow to connect the brain to those shut down areas. This takes time. Even in children a new neural pathway takes time to grow and children have faster developing brains than adults.

Much as we would all like our problems to be overcome quickly it is just not possible.

If you have experienced trauma, especially in childhood, you will often find it is hard to describe what you are feeling because you don’t know what your physical sensations in your body mean. This is because you learned to disconnect from your physical sensations in order to manage the overwhelming fear and pain. Your brain then severs the connections between it and the rest of your sensory system in your body.

Losing Your Sense of Who Am I?

This blocking also impacts on your sense of self. You can’t know who you are unless you are able to feel and interpret your physical sensations.

The result of not being able to feel your physical sensations is that you feel muddled and often very hazy inside. You can miss a sense of how overwhelming events in the past were and therefore not be able to comprehend the significance of past events.

Numbing The Past So That It Seems Like Nothing Bad Happened

It is common for traumatised adults to not be able to comprehend how much the past has impacted on them.

One part of trauma therapy involves being able to understand that “blindness” of the past and learn to understand the enormity of what has happened.

An Example.

An example of this is an incident I was in many years ago. I was beaten up by another woman, not because of anything I did wrong, but because that was the space she was in. My immediate response was to feel shame and to feel I did something wrong to cause it to happen. This was something I was primed to believe as a child. I was only beaten because I was bad and it was my fault. It was only later when I told a friend and she reacted with horror that I realised what was done to me was wrong and it was not my fault. I was not used to other people thinking such treatment of me was wrong. This is a common experience for a traumatised child.

The Impact On The Way You Relate To Others

The way you relate to other people, especially those in authority, is impacted by your childhood experience of relationships with the adults in your life. If you had a parent who was angry and judgemental, you may look at authority figures expecting them to be angry and judgemental.

You may also not recognise when you are in an abusive relationship. In my earlier example of being beaten up and feeling it was my fault and feeling shame, I demonstrated a common issue that impacts on adult relationships. For many people caught up in abusive adult relationships it is that early learning that being abused is your fault that leads you to think that behaviour is your fault, not that it is wrong.

How To Recognise Past Trauma

A really effective way to recognise the trauma you have experienced in the past and to help identify it is to be able to create distance between you and the trauma. Some of treating trauma involves teaching you to be able to create some space between you and the thoughts, behaviours and emotions that have been generated as a response to the trauma and triggers of the trauma.

Alongside this is teaching you mindfulness. To be able to feel and observe what is in your body in a safe way.

Distance And Mindfulness Are Companions In Early Trauma Identification And Treatment.

Another aspect of healing is learning to identify the things that trigger the overwhelming memories of your trauma. This allows you to be aware of triggers and take steps to learn not to be overwhelmed by the memories.

Rita, who had a childhood involving severe and terrifying abuse learned to tolerate the physical sensations that sprang up with triggers. These sensations were overwhelming and difficult to cope with. As therapy progressed and she learned mindfulness, to be able to put the scary memories at a distance where she could observe them safely. She learned that avoiding those uncomfortable feelings makes them worse, not better. She learned to see the sensations as sensations that were in the present. But she was safe now and the trauma was no longer happening. With that understanding she was able to learn to calmly notice the sensations and not judge them. Over time she learned that the memories that popped up were of the past and did not constitute threats in her present life.

Severe Anxiety Is Often A Result Of Childhood Trauma

Bruce came to me for help with his severe anxiety.

In therapy he was able to identify that he had grown up in an abusive home environment as the oldest child. He had spent much of his childhood protecting his younger siblings from his father and trying to protect his mother. Like many children in this type of situation, he became parentified. He tried to become the parent as he saw himself as the one who was able to protect his mother and siblings from his father.

In adulthood he worried obsessively about everyone else. He was always concerned about things happening in his siblings’ lives. He worried about his mother. He worried about his wife. He worried about his children. He was constantly hypervigilant and looking for problems he needed to solve. He became overinvolved in his children’s lives and obsessed about things that could go wrong. It became so intrusive in his children’s lives that they cut off contact with him.

In counselling he was able to understand where his hypervigilance and anxiety came from and started learning to feel the sensations in his body and distance himself from the past fears. He practiced mindfulness daily and this allowed him to be use mindfulness when he began to get anxious. In time he learned to let go of his stranglehold on his family and allow them to experience their own difficulties on their own.

At his last session he demonstrated how calm he now felt, how he was able to put anxious thoughts about his family at arms length and process them as not his responsibility and separate them from his past trauma.

Past trauma memories were now memories, sad and scary, but in the past.

He was able to set healthy boundaries around himself and reestablished contact with his children who no longer felt overwhelmed at the intensity of his vigilance over them.

Triggers Are Not Always Bad Things

When working with your trauma it is important to remember that triggers are not always bad things. Nor is being triggered bad. Instead of running away from the feelings and triggers it is important to learn to sit still with those painful feelings.

The Boy In The Forest

There was a boy who wanted to walk through the forest to visit his grandmother. Every time he set out on the path he heard a strange wailing and saw a shadowy figure in this trees up ahead. In terror, he fled back to the safety of the meadow next to the forest.

Several times he tried to walk through the forest and every time he fled in terror at this shadowy figure that wailed strangely.

One day his father decided to come with him. When they heard the scary noise the father kept going. The boy was terrified but kept walking beside his father. They heard the strange wailing and the father didn’t even react. He just kept walking along the path.

Around the corner he could see the shadowy figure writing around his in the trees. His father reached up with his walking stick and caught the figure on the end of the stick, then pulled it towards him. To the boy’s surprise it was an old cloak stuck up in the trees. The wailing sound turned out to be the wind in the trees.

The boy had been avoiding the path because he was too scared to approach the object and see it for what it was. When you are unable to approach your memories you are like that boy. With a counsellor by your side it is possible to face the memories and see them for the past events that they are.

The Risks of Avoiding Your Memories

The risks of avoiding your memories are great. So many people use other things to bring relief. But they find it is only temporary. Numbing can be overeating, restricting food, working too much, excessively exercising, compulsive shopping, pornography, gambling, obsessing about other people, drugs or alcohol and many more. If it numbs you then you will probably try it.

These activities don’t heal the pain and they don’t remove it. They just mask it and the activity has to be done again and again, and you become used to the activity, so it has to be escalated in order to work.

This is why healing work through counselling is so important. In counselling you work to remove the need for numbing and avoiding activities. You can learn to sit with the memories and put them in the past where they belong and not see them as still being in your present.

Allow yourself time to heal, practise mindfulness daily so that you can use it in those triggered moments. Learn to feel into your body and to not be afraid. Learn to feel those emotions and body sensations without fear. Learn to set boundaries between what is now and what was then.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your traumatic memories, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

*please note that whenever I mention someone in my blogs I never use real names and change the circumstances to de-identify the person who has generously given permission for me to use their story in my blog.

5 Minute Ideas To Give Yourself Love and Destress

How often in your busy day do you find time to care for yourself?

Instead do you find yourself rushing from one task to another and end the day depleted and exhausted?

How often do you wake in the morning dreading the day ahead?

Today I am sharing some ideas of things you can do that will take 5 minutes.

Some of my categories may seem weird but I have based them on research about what assists us to experience less stress. I have given some ideas, you can probably think of many more.

Simple 5 Minute Ideas

My favourite go to simple ideas are:

• A short guided meditation. The app Insight Timer is a great source of 5 minute mediations.

• Writing in your journal about anything.

• Sitting quietly and deep breathing.

• Looking up at the stars in the night sky.

• Savouring a favourite herbal tea.

• Close your eyes and imagine a peaceful place.

• Walk outside and breathe in the fresh air.

• Write down 5 things you are grateful for.

Calming 5 minute ideas

My favourite go to calming ideas are:

• Pat your pet

• Sit in a quiet, peaceful place at home and practice deep breathing.

• Create a vision board of your favourite self care practices. Add to it when taking your 5 minute calming time

• Sing a favourite song

• Close your eyes and just focus on breathing

• Massage your wrists

• Doodle

Positive 5 minute ideas

Focusing on the positive is very calming. My favourites are:

• Visualising a wonderful future

• Reading a good news story

• Writing a loving, positive note to your future self

• Reminisce about a happy memory

• Smile as you take a selfie

• Look at Art that inspires you

• Quick repair to an item of clothing – such as sewing on a button.

Declutter 5 Minute Ideas

May seem weird but clutter is stressful and decluttering is calming.

• Quickly throw together some leftover fruit and green vegetables and make a smoothie

• Organise a drawer (or part of it)

• Write down on thing to achieve for the rest of the day

• Make a list of the things you have completed/accomplished recently

• Reorganise part of your desk (or all if it can be done in 5 minutes)

• Journal what you are thinking

• Tidy your Email inbox

• Choose one item of clothing you no longer need and donate it

Social 5 Minute Ideas

• Text a friend a message of appreciation

• Post a positive status on your social media

• Send a friend a song you think they will like

• Send a message to friends suggesting a get together

• Send a thank you note to someone

• Have a quick catch up with someone special – let them know you have 5 minutes and just want to connect for 5 minutes.

• Share a joke or funny meme you have seen recently

• Tell someone you love them

Move 5 Minute Ideas

• Stand up and stretch. Reach for the sky then down to your toes.

• Dance to a great song

• Roll your shoulders backwards and forwards

• Try out assorted power poses – shoulders back, feet firmly on the ground, head up.

• Sit in your chair slightly differently. Maybe push yourself back into the chair more so you sit more upright.

• Try some simple yoga poses

• Jump. Use a skipping rope or do star jumps.

• Go outside and walk around the garden

• Give a thirsty plant some water

Enjoyable 5 Minute Ideas

• If you like incense or scented candles light one and breathe in that beautiful aroma

• Listen to something inspirational

• Listen to a song you love

• Read a motivational quote

• Start your bucket list and spend 5 minutes brainstorming ideas for it

• Draw what you can see out the window

• Doodle – have a special notebook to do this in and you will always have it on hand

• Colour a page in a colouring book

• Give yourself a quick foot bath

Cozy 5 Minute Ideas

• If it is nighttime, put on your comfortable pyjamas

• Snuggle up with a favourite book

• Massage your palms with your thumbs (it feels so relaxing)

• Put your favourite songs into a playlist.

• Watch part of a favourite movie

• Write a comfort food shopping list

• Sit in a favourite corner with a hot chocolate

Mindful 5 Minute Ideas

• Read a book for 5 minutes, reading slowly to take in the words.

• Work on a puzzle that requires focus. Maybe a crossword, sudoku for example.

• Sit quietly focusing on your breathing and the sensations in your body.

• Paint your nails (try doing that without paying attention!)

• Sit quietly and listen to white noise while breathing deeply

• Walk around outside

• Stretch slowly, focusing on the feeling of the stretch

• Hug a tree

• Repeat a personal mantra

Easy 5 Minute Ideas

• Just sit quietly and be present in your body

• Make yourself a drink of water, herbal tea, anything calming

• Work on a jigsaw

• Take a quick walk

• Cuddle your pet

• Massage your feet

• Listen to the sound of running water

Still Stressed?

If you answer that question with a yes that is not surprising. One 5 minute activity is not going to remove your stress. But many throughout the day, over a period of time can help.

It is also important to take more time out regularly to practice longer self care.

It is also a good idea to start your day with some sort of mindful self care activity to clear your mind and calm your body. This is also a good time to set your intentions for the day. As for yesterday’s stress. Don’t take that on board, but you may consider what needs to be added to your to do list from yesterday’s stress. Take on the activity, not the stress.

It is also important to end your day with a mindful self care activity. This focus is on putting aside the day and allowing yourself to calm your mind before going to sleep. You will sleep better and wake up more refreshed.

Can I Help?

I have studied Mindfulness as part of my Master of Counselling and teach mindfulness as well as practicing it myself.

I have also studied the impacts of stress and stress relieving activities.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your stress or would like to learn mindfulness, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Why Experiencing Trauma In Childhood Doesn’t Mean You Are Doomed To Be Mentally Ill

Trauma in childhood can be very disruptive and cause many difficulties for you in adult life.

But

Experiencing childhood trauma does not necessarily result in mental illness in later childhood and adulthood.

What is trauma know to be associated with?

The Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study in New Zealand tracked a cohort of children born in 1972 to 1973.

One of this study’s findings was that a form of a gene associated with serotonin transport in the brain appeared to increase an individual’s likelihood of experiencing depression when exposed to trauma.

This has supported the theory that our DNA, that way that DNA is expressed in the body, and our environment can impact on our mental health.

This would also help explain why some people exposed to trauma develop serious mental health problems whereas others manage well in life.

What Is Known?

Research has drawn strong links between trauma and addiction. This is in the way you manage difficulties in life.

Some people are able to “roll with the punches” and can regulate relatively quickly after a distressing event.

Others find it harder and may draw on outside actions, such as drinking alcohol or smoking, to regulate their emotions.

Many people report partaking of the addiction helps them to feel calm, or forget the terrifying experience, or feel less anxious and panicky.

Difficulties With Connecting To Others

What is also known is that experiences in your childhood impact on how you see the world and how you relate to other people.

If your early experiences were supporting and nurturing, you are more likely to see the world as a friendly and helpful place. You will also likely see others as trustworthy and safe to connect with.

But if your early experiences with others were abusive, unhelpful, and/or frightening you are more likely to see the world as unfriendly and not safe. You will also be more wary of others and may be more likely to perceive their behaviour as threatening than those who see others as trustworthy.

The person with positive experiences in childhood is more likely to readily feel comfortable with others while those with negative experiences are more likely to be wary of trusting others.

Brain Changes

What is known is that the brain of those exposed to trauma in childhood develops differently to those not exposed to trauma.

For example, areas of the brain responsible for observing non verbal communication are more developed in traumatised individuals. This is thought to give the child the advantage of being able to detect danger and act on it faster than for those with normal brain development.

In other words these changes increase the child’s chances of survival.

Other areas of the brain have been found to be smaller than for those not exposed to trauma. Some of those areas relate to the perception of “novelty”. In other words the ability to manage unexpected situations and strangers.

When To Seek Help

If you experienced trauma in childhood and are managing life well, then at this point in time you are unlikely to need help.

If you find that there are difficulties around things upsetting you, or difficulty calming down after a difficult event. If you find you feel overwhelmed often, your social life is difficult, others report behaviours they think are a problem, or you think there is a problem (even if you can’t quite put your finger on it).

If you find yourself putting up with bad behaviour from others, or you are a people pleaser, or you have trouble setting boundaries or saying no.

Then it is best to consult a counsellor.

There are occasions in life when everyone can get help from a counsellor, even if just for one or two sessions.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your difficulties in life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Is That Drink You Just Have To Have, A Lot, Worrying You? Or The Cigarettes You Just Can’t Give Up? This Is Why You Are Likely To Need Counselling Help To Stop.

Research over many decades has shown that trauma in childhood has impacts that extend throughout childhood into adulthood. These impacts include poor mental health, substance abuse and addiction, as well as physical health impacts.

The Impact Of Trauma On Addiction

Extensive research has proven that people who experience trauma during childhood are more likely to be addicted to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs later in life.

What is trauma? Trauma as referred to in this blog is psychological harm to a person caused by experiences that are a significant threat to the individual or others close to them. Trauma can be emotional, physical, sexual abuse, an addicted parent, natural disasters and serious accidents.

What Is Addiction? What Does Trauma Have To Do With It?

Addiction can take many forms and cover a range of behaviours. For example, people who regularly consume alcohol may not be considered alcoholic, but their dependence on alcohol to feel more relaxed, less socially awkward or cope with stress reveals reliance on alcohol that fits the definition of addiction.

With the recent increase in vaping, including a dramatic increase in teens who vape, there has been a recognition of vaping as another concerning form of addiction.

Research looking at teens who vape has shown that the majority were exposed to trauma below the age of 12.

This is consistent with research looking at teens who drink alcohol, smoke tobacco or use other drugs.

The Dangers Of Physically Addictive Substances

Many substances people take are not physically addictive. This means that once the psychological need for the substance is attended to, the person can manage without the substance.

Other substances are physically addictive. This means that trying to stop using the substance will result in more difficult physical cravings as well as psychological ones. Nicotine is one of the most physically addictive substances people take.

Cigarettes and Vapes contain nicotine. Although vapes are by law banned from containing nicotine, around 99% of vapes confiscated in Australia have been found to contain nicotine.

It Can Take Many Attempts To Overcome Your Addiction To Nicotine

Nicotine is an extremely addictive substance that is physically addictive as well as psychologically addictive. It takes less nicotine for a teenager to be addicted than for an adult. Also their brains respond with stronger cravings when seeking to stop.

Anyone addicted to nicotine will struggle to quit. The strong physical cravings and the trauma that led to the addiction in the first place are strong barriers to quitting.

It can take many attempts to stop before the addict is able to stop.

The Importance Of Counselling In Overcoming Addiction

As an addict you will be better able to stop if you receive counselling support and nicotine replacement therapy.

The importance of counselling support is learning how to cope with feelings that have been self medicated, often for years, with alcohol, cigarettes and other substances.

Why Families And Social Environments Are Not Suitable Supports

Trauma most often occurs in the family and social environments. Many people start using substances as teenagers, modelling their behaviour on the coping behaviours of the adults in their lives.

Instead of learning healthy ways of dealing with the stress of the trauma, unhealthy ways are learned and passed down through the generations.

Self-Medicating and Brain Development

Using these addictive substances is known as self-medicating. You have a drink and feel calmer, you smoke or vape and feel you can manage things better and so on.

All of these addictive substances physically damage the body, as well as causing harm to the brain.

Neuroscientists studying the impacts of this self-medicating report that it causes damage to the developing brain of teenagers and results in the brain not developing properly. This is more damaging than damage to existing brain structures as occurs in adulthood because it prevents part of the brain developing.

So it is important to stop

Why The Ideal Supports Are Not Ideal

Ideally, stopping using an addictive substance would involve support from family and friends. For many people this support will not happen because this is the source of their trauma and learned unhealthy coping behaviours.

For this reason, counselling support is essential so that you can process and heal from the trauma and learn healthy coping strategies to replace the addictive substance.

There is also a possibility that if you stop your addiction to a substance without treating the underlying trauma that has caused it, you may switch to another substance of addiction.

Trauma, Stress and Addiction

It is also known that trauma has an impact on the development of the brain. Trauma can result in brain changes that lead to greater impulsivity and risk taking behaviour. This doesn’t apply to everyone who has encountered trauma, but is frequently seen.

Far more common is the impact trauma has on the brain’s ability to manage stress. Someone with a trauma history is more likely to be more reactive to stress and less able to cope with it.

If you add the damage to the brain by addiction to the damage caused by trauma then it is really problematic for you.

It is possible to learn how to manage stress, but for this you need a qualified counsellor.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your problem drinking or smoking/vaping, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

9 Steps To Surviving Grief At Christmas

When you are grieving December can be so difficult. Everywhere and everything is Christmas.

Advertising, social media posts, the shops, friends with Christmas Parties and Christmas Greetings, Community events. Everywhere there is the suggestion of a joyous time with company, mostly family, and a great time to be experienced.

People are exhorted to be happy and any suggestion of not feeling happy or not wanting to celebrate is greeted with derision and suggestions of Bah Humbug.

When you are grieving, especially when this is the first Christmas since your loss, it can be so painful. So difficult to experience when your whole existence is crying out in pain.

Rubbing Salt Into The Wound

This time of year often carries the stab of pain at every reminder that you are missing someone in your world. The reminder that this Christmas will be without that person. It is like rubbing salt into the wound of your grief.

There may be pressure on you at this time of year to not express your sorrow. You may be told it is not fair to those who want to enjoy the season. But what is fair for you?

Mourning Is An Important Survival Strategy

Mourning is important at any time of year. It allows you to express your grief in ways that allow you to process it.

It is likely that the way to survive this time of year is to mourn. You may not want to be sad at a time you may previously have been very happy, but if sad is your current reality then sad it will be.

Here Are Things You Can Do To Help You Survive Christmas And The New Year.

Give yourself permission to grieve.
Also give yourself permission to enjoy the day and have fun, even if only for brief periods of the day. You are not dishonouring the one you lost but experiencing moments of joy and happiness within your grief.
Acknowledge your grief and pain.
This may involve doing something to honour the memory of the one you loved.
Also vital is to be willing to be honest about what you need this Christmas.

You may not want to observe all the activities your family traditionally participated in.

You may not want to have a big Christmas as you usually do. You may want to be alone, or have only a few people around. Some people go on holidays so that they aren’t home. Other people always set a seat at the table for the one who is gone.
The most important thing for you to do before making plans is to check in with yourself. How are you? Do you already have thoughts about what you want to do?
Make a plan
Don’t wing it this year. Take the time to sit down and decide what will be best for you and your mourning.
Research has shown that those who plan for important days cope with those days better than those who don’t plan. Making a plan doesn’t mean you will carry it out, but it gives you something to focus on.
In your plan include the one you lost. Include their name, memories of them, stories about them. You may be in a group and openly talk about them or you may be alone reminiscing. If you are in a group organise with some in the group to back you up in case others in the group try to shut you down (usually due to their discomfort).
Have a Plan B as well as a Plan A.
You may plan in advance to be with other people at the Christmas celebration. But closer to the day you may realise you can’t do it.

This is where Plan B comes in. Have a backup plan of what you will do if you can’t proceed with Plan A.

Plan B may involve plans to spend the day alone and how you will spend that day.
It may involve going to the Plan A activity but leaving after a short while there. Plan B may also involve just cancelling Christmas and not doing anything to mark the day. If you do that remember that you will not be able to escape the reminders that it is Christmas and plan how you will manage that.

Whatever you decide, be okay with it. Let go of the need to honour traditions because not honouring them may impact on other people. Your needs need to be honoured.
If You Plan To Be With Others at Christmas Be Okay With That.
Not everyone wants to be alone at Christmas. Some people draw comfort from the festivities, even if they are reminders of the one who is gone.
If you plan to be alone organise something you will do.
This doesn’t mean you have to be ‘busy’ with solo activities. It just means you have a plan for how you will spend the day.
Create new traditions.
You may want to visit the place their remains are interred. You may want to donate to a charity in their name. You may play a game or watch a movie they particularly loved. You may light a candle for them. You may set a place for them at the table. There are myriad ways you can acknowledge them. The only limit is your imagination.
Acknowledge that it is Christmas.
You can also plan to pretend the day doesn’t exist when you get to it, but make sure it is planned. Be mindful that your inner experience is one of celebrating this time of year and ignoring it is often difficult. Will you be okay if your decision to ignore Christmas doesn’t work?
Have a support network.
Your support network includes people who listen without judgement or giving advice.

How Do You Make Your Plan?

• Allow time to formulate your plan.

• First reflect on how you have celebrated Christmas in the past. Were there things done every year? Will they continue? How will you cope if they continue, or don’t continue?

• Make a list of those traditions.

• Decide what you want to do with those Christmas traditions.

• Make a list of those you want to participate in and why.

• Make a list of those you feel you just can’t face doing this year and why.

• Make another list of traditions you might observe and why.

• Writing down your reasons for continuing or pausing traditions helps you to clarify how you feel about them.

• Think of ways you can honour the one you are grieving both in things you already do at Christmas and in new ways. Do you want to honour this person with others or on your own?

• Give yourself permission to grieve and to cry. Also give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, to attend to your own needs.

A checklist to making a plan.

 List what you normally do at this time of year. This includes things such as buying presents, sending Christmas cards, cooking food, visiting people, attending Christmas parties and so on.

 Make another list of the things your family traditionally does at Christmas. This includes meeting for meals, visiting each other, going places, special traditions you follow, present giving and so on.

 When you have made that list ask yourself
? Do I Feel Like Doing it?
? Can I skip it this year? Why or Why Not?
? Can someone else do this for me or help me?
? If I feel I need to do something Why do I need to do it?
? Can anything make a task or obligation easier?
? How can I bring the memory of the one I am grieving into these activities?
? What new traditions can I create to honour their memory and what they meant to me?

Following these guidelines will help you to understand what you need and want this year. Remember plans are not set in concrete. You can always choose not to follow them.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: https://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Honour The One You Lost By What You Do

Every so often I write a blog based on a real client. When I do this it is either at their request or with their permission. I always change details to protect the person’s privacy.

This blog is from a mother who wanted to share her story because she wants to help others who lose a child. In this blog she is called Mary.

Mary’s Story

Mary had a son, Brad. He was an amazing boy. He loved telling funny stories at the dinner table and would have the entire family laughing at his stories. He was happy and sunny and people loved him.

He always wanted to be a chef and managed to complete his studies, getting a full time job in a busy restaurant.

Brad’s Difficult Life

Life was not easy for Brad. He struggled with old injuries that caused pain when he was standing in the kitchen working. He became addicted to heroin, it eased his pain and helped him cope with work in the kitchen.

Over time the heroin became such a large part of his life that it impacted on his work. He went to rehab, was doing well, then relapsed and exited the program. After some time he again tried rehab. Sadly that too failed.

The Day Brad Died

The day he died he was living with his mother and was out in the garden planning to work on an area of the garden.

He went inside to get ready and apparently decided to take a dose of heroin before starting.

His mother found him in the bathroom. An additive in the heroin had killed him.

Losing your child is hard and losing them in this way is even harder.

Being Plunged Into Darkness And Numbness

Mary has been forever tortured by the vision of her son lying on the bathroom floor, dead.

Brad’s death plunged Mary into a deep darkness. She felt she was dying too.

She went through the numbness and difficulty comprehending his death as real.

She had days where she cried and cried, and days when she didn’t get out of bed.

She felt terribly guilty and was full of what ifs. What if I had gone inside sooner? What if I had realised he was still using and sent him back to rehab? What did I do to lead to his addiction (as if it was her fault!)?

She felt lost in the darkness.

I Need Help

Then came a day she realised she needed to do something. She came to see me. Together we picked up the pieces of her shattered life.

In time Mary found a purpose in her new “Brad is dead” life. She realised she would never overcome her grief. She would just learn how to live with it.

How Mary Formed Her New Life

As part of her new life she took the following actions:

• She decided that every year on the anniversary of his death she would visit the location where his ashes were released.

• She also planted a garden in her backyard in honour of Brad. It followed the design he had suggested for the garden he was working on the day he died. Each year on his birthday she adds something to the garden. Lovely bamboo wind chimes, a small statue, a pond and so on.

• She also decided to support the rehab unit he had attended and has instituted measures to fund-raise for the unit.

• As Brad had spent some time homeless during the years of his addiction, Mary also works with a homeless charity, handing out packs of toiletries and food items.

• She also joined a charity that supports the families bereaved by drug addiction

Mary’s Summation

At her final session Mary told me that she still cries on occasion. But these days the tears are what she calls good tears.

Mary showed me a clip on YouTube by actor Billy Bob Thornton who lost his younger brother when he was young. His brother died suddenly from an undiagnosed heart problem.

Years later Billy Bob Thornton says his life is 50% happy and 50% sad. He is okay with that because the melancholy is his way of honouring his brother, so he doesn’t forget him.
Billy Bob Thornton doesn’t trust happiness anymore but he is okay with that. He states in the clip that it is important to embrace that you never get over the death of a loved one. He sees the only alternative is to forget his brother and he doesn’t want to do that. He feels it is important to honour the one you lost by what you do. Be it work, sponsoring, walking, fund raising, raising a family, or writing a song. Let the rest of your life honour the one you lost.

Mary thought that was a wonderful summary of what she had discovered.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief Is A Change You Didn’t Want

Heartbreak is there in grief.

This is because when a person you love dies you are heartbroken.

When a person you love leaves you and rejects you and continues to reject you, then you are heartbroken.

Which pain is worse?

The worst pain is the pain you are experiencing.

Heartbreak

Heartbreak is always present in grief. It is heartbreak at the loss of the future with that person, whether they are alive or dead. Now you must face a future you did not plan and may not even like.

Heartbreak can occur through other life events. Losing a job, not getting the job you really wanted, not getting into the university course you wanted, not getting the marks in an exam you wanted, losing out on the house you wanted to buy, losing the house you can no longer afford to pay the loan on, your car being stolen, your house broken into, the end of a relationship, losing your pet, losing your country.

The really important thing to remember is your pain is always worse for you. There is no comparison. Just because someone else is hurting, it doesn’t mean their pain is worse. Comparisons just can’t be made when it comes to grief.

Heartbreak is not logical

It is always important to remember that the act of making a comparison is one that uses your mind. But when you are heartbroken and suffering grief, those are emotions you are feeling. They are not logical, they are not of the mind. They are the emotions of heartbreak.

Be careful, because grief that isn’t attended to doesn’t just go away. It stays there, unattended, and trips you up when something reminds you of it.

Questions to ask yourself

Ask yourself the question. What heartbreak, what grief, what disappointments in your life have you not attended to?

Once you have the answer ask yourself. Why don’t you attend to it?

The answer is most likely that it is difficult, painful even, to confront that pain.

It is so easy to run from pain. Pain hurts.

The realness of emotional pain

Did you know that physical pain and emotional pain are registered in the same part of the brain?

All these years people’s emotional pain has been dismissed as being nothing, yet it is as painful as physical pain.

The metaphor of the Buffalo

Grief expert David Kessler uses the metaphor of a buffalo turning to face a storm and walk into it. The buffalo knows it will get through the storm faster if it does this. But humans try to stay away from the storm. They try to keep a metre or so away. This way they remain in the storm a long time.

Instead of facing the storm, humans stay close to it and try to numb themselves, try to move away, but not far away, or try to avoid any triggering memories. Humans may even run away.

Substituting One Emotion For Another

One way of avoiding the storm is to go to another emotion that feels more comfortable.

What emotions might that be?

The most common one to go after is anger.

If you explore what is under your anger you will often find it is sadness, grief or fear.

There is a very real fear that once you give in to the pain of grief you will never be able to stop crying.

But you will stop crying in time.

Self Compassion Is The Best Treatment

When you allow yourself to enter the storm and feel your emotions deeply. When you allow yourself to engage with the emotions, then you are caring for yourself. You are showing up for yourself. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions is the way you can be there for you. It is an opportunity to show self compassion.

Self compassion only works if you pay attention to your emotions.

To show self compassion you have to be able to accept that this horrible thing happened. You have to be allowed to feel sorry for yourself, for the pain you are experiencing and have experienced.

Our society tells us it is wrong to feel sorry for yourself. But that is wrong. It is not wrong to feel sorry for yourself. It is not wrong to feel for what you have been through. To acknowledge that what you have been through was horrible.

When others try to shut you down over this it is because they feel uncomfortable and don’t want to be exposed to that discomfort.

Beware The Failure To Own Your Problems

Refusing to be accountable for what you have done in your life and refusing to own your problems causes difficulties around feeling sorry for yourself.

If you feel sorry for yourself and get stuck in that place, constantly seeking those who will affirm your pain but never doing anything to get out of that pain, then you are failing to understand your own problems and find ways to resolve them.

The Importance of Being Seen

It is important to feel seen, to have your pain acknowledged. But sometimes you are the one who is going to see you, who will acknowledge your pain.

Being seen is empowering. Seeing yourself is as empowering as being seen by someone else.

Tara Brach PhD, a leading western teacher of Buddhist meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening, talks about the importance of putting your hand over your heart centre and saying “Ouch, that hurts” as a way to acknowledge the pain you are feeling and give yourself self compassion. Try it sometime, you will most likely find it helps a lot.

In Summary

The worst abandonment is when you abandon yourself

In your pain do not fail to acknowledge to yourself the pain you are in.

Don’t fail to show compassion to yourself.

Stop judging yourself, shaming yourself, criticising yourself, telling yourself you are bad or unworthy, failing to defend yourself.

Make sure you recognise your own pain. Remember “Ouch it hurts” is very important.

Sit with your pain and acknowledge it. Comfort yourself.

Advice To The Recently Bereaved

I often have recently bereaved people visit me. Their bereavement is so recent they haven’t even had the funeral yet. One of the things I tell them in that first session is to be kind to themselves, to be okay to not look after other people at the funeral. To let others care for them. To absent themselves from the post funeral get together if they need to. To cry, be unstable, not want to talk, not want to socialise, not look after others are all permissible and necessary self care actions.

Grief Forces Change

I model for the recently bereaved how to speak kindly to yourself, how to be caring and compassionate to yourself, how to be there for yourself.

It is scary to be placed in the position where you have to grow and change. But grief puts you there and there is only one way out and that is to walk through the storm.

You are going to have to learn the new way to be. You will not know it immediately, but you will learn over time and self compassion is your best ally in this learning.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and heartbreak please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Surfing Your Emotions

Did you know that emotions rise up and then fade within 90 seconds if you can identify your internal experience, give the emotions a name and allow them to flow?

If you try to suppress your emotions, or pretend they are not happening then they last longer and feel a lot more powerful.

When you feel an emotion you need to go surfing.

Just as a surfer rides a wave you need to allow yourself to rise up on the crest of the emotion. You need to get uncomfortable. You need to listen to what that discomfort is telling you. If you try to fight it then it will get worse.

If you listen to that discomfort and follow that discomfort to find the need under the feelings you are experiencing then you will ride that wave to the end and emerge with the emotion in the past.

Sometimes it can be hard to sit with that discomfort. Maybe you have never learned to feel safe with the discomfort. Maybe you don’t know how to search for the need that underlies the emotions.

If you come to see me about emotions you are experiencing, I will always help you sit with those emotions and listen to the discomfort that is there. You can learn to do this and sometimes you need help to learn.

Anger, frustration and resentment are emotions that frequently trouble people. These emotions however are secondary emotions. They come on top of another emotion.

You could liken those emotions to an iceberg. What you see on the surface is the emotion of anger, frustration or resentment.

What is underneath the water is often sadness, pain, fear, disappointment and loss. These emotions have often been laid down in childhood when things happened that you couldn’t process properly either because you didn’t understand what had happened, or because you didn’t have the skills to process them.

Once you learn how to explore and identify your secondary emotions, you can start healing the primary emotions that you have carried around since childhood.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Circle of Perspective

When you are in a difficult situation it can be hard to see a way out of it.

Often the way out of the situation is to change the perspective on that situation.

This is what I describe as moving around the circle of the problem.

Moving Around the Circle of the Problem

If you imagine the problem as an object in front of you.

Imagine there is a circle around the problem and you are standing on a spot on that circle.

The spot you are standing on is one of great difficulty with no seeming way out of the problem.

But what is you took a step to the left or right around the circle? What would the problem look like then?

Using the Circle of the Problem

This is something I have used for most of my adult life. It is something that is possible to learn and apply with determination and intention.

The next time you find yourself with a problem to solve try this.

Imagine yourself standing on a circle looking at the problem.

Then imagine you are taking a step to the left or right. As you take that imaginary step, do so with the intention of seeking the problem from a different angle.

It is amazing how solvable a problem looks when you just take a step to one side or another of a problem.

Take Time to Consider the Problem

Sometimes you need time to sit with a problem before you are able to see it from another perspective.

There are many ways to give yourself time.

Sometimes sleeping on the problem can be a good way to prepare to take that step. Things are always easier to attend to when you are well rested.

You can also put the problem aside and do something else. Maybe you decide to have a walk, go out with friends, meditate.

Find a Trusted Confidant to Share the Problem With

Another way of preparing to take that step is to discuss the problem with someone else who is prepared to listen and be your sounding board. The ideal person will listen and ask questions to allow you to explore your feelings around the problem and to test the various solutions you may consider or different perspectives you may have. You need someone who can be neutral and not push their solution on you.

This is where a counsellor can be very helpful. We are trained to listen and help you explore all options and your feelings around them.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your problem, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

3 Questions That May Help You With Those Thoughts That Go Around And Around In Your Head

So many people struggle with thoughts that go around and around in their heads. Not nice thoughts, but ones that bother you and destroy your enjoyment of activities during waking hours. Thoughts the keep you aware at 1am, 2am, 3am and so on.

If you are going to be thinking in circles about something then why not turn your thoughts to seeing if you can resolve the issue that is bothering.

Here are the questions to ask:

Am I Aware How Long I Have Been Having This Thought?

Have you actually been thinking about this thing for a long time, or does it just feel like it. Maybe it is a thought that keeps repeating and it just seems to be going round in your head.

The next question to ask yourself is”

2. Is now a good time to be thinking about this?

If the thought is bothering you the answer is probably no.

Then you need to ask yourself the next question:

3. Is There Something I Am Avoiding?

So often something that is bothering you spins around in your mind but you don’t explore it. This is often because the thought is so overwhelming that you don’t feel you can manage what comes next.

The reality is, exploring this thought further can help you resolve it.

When those distressing thoughts revolve in your mind they are often indicators of something deeper that needs processing. This is why you ask the question.

When you ask the question be prepared to sit with the question and wait for the answer to arise.

When the answer comes to you, allow yourself to explore it further:

• Where in your body is the thought?

• How long has it been there in your body?

• What is the thought about? There is often something that you have not processed that is bugging you until you process it.

• Is now a good time to work through this thought? You might be at work, or it may be the middle of the night and you feel you can’t attend to it. If that is so then set a time to attend to it. Visualise yourself putting the thought on that time and tell yourself that is when it will be dealt with.

When Exploring A Question Doesn’t Bring Relief Try Something Else

Sometimes recurring thoughts are too difficult to resolve, and you may need help. It is unlikely you will get help immediately. In the interim you may need to put that thought aside until you can attend to it.

If this recurring thought is during the day then change what you are doing and do something that will occupy your mind.

Maybe you want to do something that requires your full attention.

Maybe you want to talk to someone.

A change of scenery can dislodge that thought. Try changing where you are working. If you can, go for a walk.

Observation using your senses can also be useful.

• Look around you.

• Name 5 things you can see.

• Now name 5 things you touch. Name what they feel like to touch.

• Now name 5 things you can smell. Name them.

• Name 5 things you can hear and describe what you are hearing.

If it is the early hours of the morning, rather than tossing and turning, unable to get back to sleep and those thoughts just going on and on then get up and do something else for a little while.

Maybe you have a good book to read. Maybe you can listen to music. Just choose something that will not wake you up too much and so that thing until you feel able to go back to sleep.

Most people find it takes half an hour or so before they have cleared their mind enough to go back to sleep. If you can’t, allow yourself to accept that and find something enjoyable and restful to do. Yes you may be tired the next morning, but you will be less stressed. Maybe you will sleep better the next night.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your incessant thoughts or attending to the underlying issues, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au