Grief – PLC Blog

Anger Plays A Valuable Role In Grief

Anger is a normal and important part of life. This also applies to grief.

Sadly, western society has portrayed anger as bad. As a consequence, many of us push our anger deep inside. Unfortunately this is a very destructive thing to do.

In life anger is an important guide to things that hold you back. When allowed to be present and to be examined, anger guides you to an awareness of things in your life that need to be addressed and allows you to resolve these things and move forward in life.

The Multifaceted Face Of Grief

Grief is often pictured as a time of great sadness, sorrow and numbness. Any recognition of anger is as part of a “stage” of grief first suggested by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in the 1960s.

Although more recent research has shown grief is not the “stages” suggested decades ago, the perception of anger has not been updated and its benefit for people has been overlooked.

In grief, where all emotions are intense, anger is intense. For someone not used to experiencing anger it can be overwhelming. Learning to expect the intensity of anger can help to understand how to work with it when it comes.

Anger As Perceived By Western Society

We learn from childhood that anger is dangerous and you are bad to allow anger to express itself. Sure, anger can be disruptive and cause harm but it can also be helpful.

The language around anger emphasises its negativity. You may fly off the handle, blow a fuse, hit the roof, spit the dummy. All this language gives the impression of something dangerous, chaotic, unstable and unsafe. This feeds the message that anger should be controlled or avoided.

This leads to a deep fear of addressing anything that could be considered conflict. I will elaborate more on that in another blog.

Anger can lead to out of control behaviour, although this is often because as children we are not taught healthy ways to manage anger.

Anger, as mentioned earlier, gives important information about things in your life that need to be addressed.

In grief, anger is a vital part of the recovery process.

How Does Anger Relate To Loss?

There are a number of ways anger is present in loss.

There can be anger at the other person dying.

Unresolved issues also cause anger.

There can be anger at the unfairness of life that allowed this to happen.

The unjustness and unpredictability of life can also result in anger.

Anger Is Vital To Survival.

Anger is vital to our reaction to threats in life. It is a vital part of our fight or flight mechanism.

Anger is a vital part of boundary setting in that it alerts you to boundary infringements that you should respond to.

It is also helpful in that it highlights things you need to be more aware of. Things that may underly some of your grief feelings.

When grief comes upon you it often causes you to feel powerless and very vulnerable. Anger can give you the push you need to grab courage and assert your needs, wants and boundaries. It allows you to regain the sense of control you lost when the one you loved died.

Anger is often a wonderful catalyst for action when the other emotions you are experiencing are leaving you frozen.

Anger also serves to allow you to process negative emotions and those that are overwhelming.

Anger Looks Out

Anger tends to be an outward emotion. Most anger is directed outwards at other people or situations. The other big grief emotions, sadness and guilt, tend to be kept close. Anger puts you in a place where you can release emotions.

When Is Anger A Problem?

Anger can be a problem. When it is not expressed properly but becomes a simmering issue it can cause the symptoms of stress: in particular increasing inflammation in the body and also raised blood pressure.

When anger is released without control it can cause harm to your relationships with others.

Anger that is not expressed can hamper your ability to move forward in healing from your loss.

Utilising The Healthy Aspects Of Anger

The first step in expressing anger in a healthy way is to acknowledge it is there.

Allowing yourself to sit with the anger and explore it is very important. Don’t fight the anger or rush to express it. Instead sit with it and be curious. Investigate what the feelings under the anger are. Anger is never a primary emotion. It is always secondary to another emotion. The exploration will assist you learning what is underneath the anger.

Once you can identify what is under the anger you can deal with it.

It is also important you learn helpful ways to release that anger. Some people find physical activity helps, others use mindfulness, journalling or deep breathing.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your anger and grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Grief Is Like A Large Bag Of Rocks

There is a children’s book called “The Huge Bag of Worries” by Virginia Ironside.

It is about a child who carries around a bag full of their worries. The worries are large, heavy rocks.

The child finds the bag increasingly difficult to carry around.

Eventually they are helped to take the rocks out of the bag and lighten its load.

Grief As A Permanent Bag of Rocks

I have seen that same analogy used for grief. I don’t know who first thought of this, but it is a good analogy.

This analogy has grief as a large bag that is filled with rocks. This bag is like a penance. You are given it and told you have to carry it for the rest of your life.

In this case you don’t want the bag. You resist getting the bag. You refuse to acknowledge and accept that bag.

But you get it anyway, and you can’t take it off.

It is heavy. Too much to bear.

You try to take it off, you are exhausted, upset, even angry that the bag is there, hampering you in everything you try to do.

It takes up so much room that there are places you can no longer go because you no longer fit there.

You find yourself having to think differently about where you can go and what you can do. You ask yourself if you have the stamina for this activity or task. You get tired and need to bow out of activities.

People notice your large bag and treat you differently.

Some people are sympathetic to your plight. They give you space and offer empathy.

Others feel uncomfortable about your large bag and avoid you.

Others have a large bag too and understand what you are going through.

Somewhere along the way you find the strength to manage the bag. You learn new skills for navigating the world. Sometimes the rocks bother you and you need to rest, or give yourself space. But other days they are just there and you can manage.

In time you may have a new grief and more rocks added to that bag. And the process of learning to carry the bag starts again.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Stress Of Grief Admin

In the Movie “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” one of the characters, Evelyn, has lost her husband. One of the biggest issues for her becomes trying to attend to the telephone account. It is in her husband’s name. She fights over many harrowing phone calls with the unempathic call centre staff. Eventually, to settle the debts she discovered her husband had, she sells their house in England and moves to the Marigold Hotel in India. There she visits the call centre for her telephone provider and gives them a stern lecture about how to treat widows struggling to complete their paperwork in the wake of their husband’s death.

It was a strong illustration of the difficulties you can face when your partner dies. And a satisfying ending for Evelyn.

The Bureaucracy of Modern Life

So much of modern life is tied up in bureaucracy. Where might your partner have an interest that has to be attended to? Home loan, house deeds, council rates, water rates, electricity, superannuation, employer, car, personal loans, telephone account, internet, passwords on computer, phone, other digital devices, access to bank accounts. That is just the start of the list. Where is their will? Do you have access to it? And what about the death certificate?

Losing your partner is devastating. The paperwork afterwards is traumatising.

Not Everyone Will Care That You Are Grieving

You will need so many documents, foremost being the death certificate, sighted and copies signed by a JP. Hope that you get a compassionate one.

You will have to go places with people who don’t care that your partner has died, that you are devastated, that every ounce of strength has been required to get into this place. All they will want is to follow the guidelines and sight documents.

Expect to be brought to tears numerous times.

Expect to struggle to fill in countless forms that don’t make sense, or require obscure information you don’t know where to locate.

Seek Help Where You Can

Draw on as much help as you can. Give yourself regular breaks from filling in all that paperwork.

If friends offer help, accept it. Especially when it comes to filling out those forms or working out how to access that laptop!

Don’t be frightened to seek counselling help to cope with your grief and the stress of filling in those forms.

Below are some resources you can turn to for information on how to fill in all those forms. There are many more. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/support-services-when-adult-dies
https://www.health.qld.gov.au/grief-and-bereavement-services
https://www.grief.org.au

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and stress, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

What You Can Learn From Grief

I recently read an opinion piece by Meg Walter. It was about the year following the death of her much loved father.

She titled it “What I learned during the worst year of my life”

During that year she lost her father. She found it terribly painful and was hoping the new year would bring less pain.

She realised, however, that she had learned some important things during her worst year. She didn’t want to learn them, but she did, and they have changed her life’s direction.

Life Goes On, But Grief Will Insert Itself

This was a heading Meg had in her writing. I think it is really apt.

Losing her dad was a shock. Then there was the funeral and what she described as “a much-needed period of bereavement”. After that she had to go back out into the world. What she described as re-entering society.

For her this was a case of discovering how many times you can cry in strange places.

Grief Is Unpredictable

She discovered her grief hit her unpredictably, like waves, and hit her far too many times in public. This is something most people report experiencing. I remember that time myself. It is not easy.

Grief Has Many Triggers

She also discovered that there are many triggers that made her cry. Things she was not aware would be triggers. She found any man older than her father had been was distressing.

I remember years after my much loved grandfather died hearing about the death of a man who wrote a daily devotional I had read for years. I had never met the man, but I thought of his grandchildren and their distress at his death and I sobbed uncontrollably for some time.

There is no time limit for when their death will distress you.

For Meg songs her father loved were another trigger. People have reported to me being triggered by a certain scent, an animal, a vehicle like the one their loved one owned, seeing someone doing the same type of job, a favourite place, or nothing at all. Even today 40 plus years after my grandfather died I still get teary seeing an old man.

Grief Intervenes Anywhere and Everywhere

Tears can come in the strangest places too. Meg described crying in a bank, her children’s school, doctor’s surgery, car wash, a restaurant, at home online, at the hairdresser. The list of places is endless.

The Fear Of Crying In Public

One of the biggest fears I find with people who are grieving is that they will cry in public. For many this is deeply shaming. Meg reported learning to not feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Instead she learned to feel grateful to be able to sit with the emotions and understand her feelings. She described as this being something that in normal life is rare.

That is true. It is a good way to view those times of overwhelming emotion. Instead of seeing them as embarrassing, see them as a special opportunity to sit with those emotions and understand your feelings.

Sadness Harmonises With Other Emotions

This is another one of Meg’s headings. It is a great description of what happens.

Meg found that over time she didn’t cry as much in public, or even in private.

She found that she grew used to the sadness. Once that happened she started feeling other emotions as well.

Sadness has become something that is always there. It sits next to other feelings.

This is something many people who come to see me acknowledge. They can be sad and delight in something. They can be sad and spend a few hours watching a funny movie. They can laugh and be sad too.

Sadness can be overwhelming at times. Most people experience that. But sadness can always be there. Meg describes it as a companion emotion. Being a little bit sad.

The Pain Never Really Goes Away

This is something I often talk about. There will always be that pain. One of the best descriptions I have seen of that pain is seen in the picture that accompanies this blog. It is of a black rock in a small jar. It takes up almost the entire jar. Over time the jar grows but the rock doesn’t. The jar grows and the rock becomes relatively smaller.

As you grieve you grow. The pain is still there, but it is not as overwhelming as it once was.

Meg expressed her hope that the pain would transform to be a reminder of who her father was and what he meant to her. Most people who come to see me find that over time their pain undergoes that transformation.

Finding Meaning

We humans are meaning finding. We search throughout our lives for meaning. Meaning in life and meaning in life’s events.

When someone we love dies we search for meaning in their lives, in your life.

For Meg that meaning was that her father is remembered for being a good man who treated others well and valued his relationships. That was important to her. It became her meaning.

Meg concluded that her father’s loss redefined her, as it does to all of us. Her hope was that this redefinition was for the better. That is a wish most people who come to see me express.

Meg hoped that the lessons she learned from her father’s death will stay with her. I find they usually do.

That redefinition and learning of lessons is a vital part of meaning making in your life after you lose one you loved.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Death Anniversaries and Learning to Dance With The Limp

I was reading recently about the experience of Carrie Fisher’s daughter grieving for her mother as the years pass on the anniversary of her death.

It brought to mind my own experience grieving for my mother.

For Carri Fisher’s daughter the day is something to dread. She starts worrying about it weeks in advance. She knows she will be feeling awful and dreads the day coming. She wakes up on that day with a dark cloud over her. She related that it takes her children waking up to dispel the dark clouds.

She described the anniversaries of her mother’s death to an emotional tropical storm. It rains a lot but the light between is more beautiful than days without storm clouds.

Dancing With The Limp

Anne Lamott, in her book “Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith.” Wrote:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

The Limp Makes You A Better Dancer

Carrie Fisher’s daughter thought that analogy was so true. She realised she has a limp from her grief but she is dancing through life and is a better dancer because of her limp.

Her grief helped her to appreciate more the little moments of life. She said she watches her children and feels they are magic. She sees her mother as being in that magic. There is that realisation that she can feel a lot of things: grief, joy, longing, magic, emptiness, fullness. All coexist profoundly.

Those words are very powerful.

My Experience with Death Anniversaries

Reading them I was reminded of my grief after my mother’s death. I didn’t have a wonderful loving relationship with my mother. There was a lot of hurt and pain to work through after she died and some years I deliberately ignored her death anniversary.

No matter how hard I tried to avoid it however, I would find myself feeling inexplicably down. Looking at the calendar I would realise it was my mother’s death anniversary.

The Body Does Not Forget

I may have wanted to forget but my body did not.

Last year was 21 years since she died. Reflecting on her death and the intervening years I realised it was 21 years of liberation from her controlling behaviour.

I was able to celebrate the coming of age of my freedom to be me. It felt like the end of an era.

I wonder if this year I will feel unsettled on her death anniversary?

Sweetness Of Love Bitterness Of Loss Or Is It?

For many people the relationship with their parent/s is a wonderful relationship and the sadness of their death anniversary has the sweetness of love and the bitterness of loss in it.

For others the relationship carries a lot of pain. This compounds the death anniversary. There is more longing for the love that never was. The bitterness is for the loss of opportunity to ever experience that love.

Death Anniversaries Occur In All Losses

Of course, death anniversaries do not only occur with children grieving their parent. Every death has an anniversary and every one who loved that person is part of that death anniversary.

Planning For Death Anniversaries

The important thing about the death anniversary is to allow it to be. Don’t rush to avoid it. Instead plan how you will remember it.

Many people I know plan special activities for the death anniversary of their loved one. Maybe they do something their loved one liked doing, or they arrange a private day on their own. Some organise a get together with others who loved this person. Others just acknowledge the day.

Whatever you plan to do is part of how you cope with your loved one’s death. It can be a day to spend thinking about the person, reflecting on their life, acknowledging the changes in your life since they died. If the relationship was difficult, maybe you will spend the day reflecting on how you have grown since then. Maybe you will look at ways to let go of the hurt they inflicted on you.

In the early years of grief it is always helpful to plan what you will do on the day. You may continue that as time goes on or you may be more impromptu in your actions on that day.
Whatever you decide, allow yourself to be okay with that.

Getting Help

If you still find yourself struggling to manage your grief and feel it affects how you live your life then seeking the assistance of a grief counsellor can be helpful.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

5 Perspectives On Grief

Today I have drawn together some wonderful poetry on grief.

On Those Days

The first is by Donna Ashworth. So many people I see for counselling are hard on themselves and forget to give themselves the love the one they have lost would give them. This poem is a reminder to honour the one you loved by loving yourself.

On those days when you miss someone the most,
as though your memories are sharp enough to slice through skin and bone,
remember how they loved you.
Remember how they loved you and do that, for yourself.
In their name, in their honour.
Love yourself, as they loved you.
They would like that.
On those days when you miss someone the most, love yourself harder.

How Long Will You Stay?

This one is by Ullie-kaye and addresses the question of how long grief will stay. The answer is forever, not as bad as this, but still some of it. And Grief reminds you of the new way you must find to live.

Me: How long will you stay?
Grief: for as long as you love them.
Me: Will I always be sad?
Grief: a part of you, yes.
Me: What about the other parts?
Grief: they will find a new way.
Me: A new way for what?
Grief: a new way to breathe
To laugh
To walk
To wake up
To create
To experience nature
To see the world
To be courageous
To hear music
To carry hope
To speak their names
A new way to love from a nearby distance.

Keep Going

Adrian Grief Support wrote this wonderful piece:

Grief can be a very surreal experience, a forced march through a landscape that is frightening, lonely, and utterly bewildering.

You feel like you are slogging along, stumbling really, unnoticed by the rest of the ordinary world while trying to adjust to your new normal, where every step feels uncertain, and your eventual destination is unknown.

Nothing feels normal about the void left by the absence of someone deeply loved.

The adjustment to reality after a significant loss is often a slow and extremely difficult process, taking months and years of gradual acceptance, not days or weeks.

It’s like learning to walk again on an uneven path, where each step forward is reluctant and suffused with the memory of how things used to be.

In this new reality, time itself seems to warp and bend. The world continues its relentless pace, but for the bereaved, it feels like every movement and decision requires a Herculean effort.

Keep going, even though it’s tough right now and you’re really tired.

The path you’re on is awful and feels never-ending, but there’s a point further along where things get a bit easier.

You can’t see it yet, but there’s a place up ahead where the pain starts to ease. As time goes by, you’ll begin to remember the good times more than the bad, and the love you shared will start to outshine the hurt you’re feeling now.

Just keep going, my friend.

The One

This final piece if by Mary Anne Byrne and is a beautiful cry from the heart:

‘The One’

You were my soulmate, my happiness, my life, the one that believed in me, in you I found strength
You were the one who gave meaning to my life, you gave me purpose and a reason to live.
You were the sunshine in all my waking hours, my light, my go to, my guardian and my guide.
You were the one I could always rely on, together nothing fazed us, we were confident and strong.
You were the one who made me feel safe, my stalworth, my protector, my anchor and my rock.
You were the one I could always turn to, your love and support I could always count on.
You were the one who could always make me smile, even on those days when life seemed a little hard.
You were the one that I loved with all my heart and will continue to do so, for the rest of my life.

A Widow’s Story

The last words on this subject are from a client who was happy to share her words with you. Her name is omitted and some details have been changed to give her privacy.

It was 14 months ago and my life fell apart. I lost my husband to cancer.

We had been together 47 years.

He was my soulmate, my confidant, my partner in crime, my best friend. He was my everything.

After he was gone I felt my life had not purpose. There was no joy. I had lost all hope. I found myself drowning and a raging see of grief and loneliness.

My doctor suggested antidepressants. They didn’t help.

I joined a support group. They were friendly and we shared our pain, but it didn’t give me back my purpose, joy or hope.

I wanted to heal and move on. I just didn’t know how. I was stuck in a dark hole and couldn’t see any light.

There was nothing to live for. Nothing to look forward to. Life was very bleak.

I had a loving family and plenty of friends. They all cared for me. They visited me, called me, invited me out, made sure I had plenty of human contact. But I still felt alone and isolated.

So I visited a counsellor.

I learned that what I was experiencing was not unusual. In fact, it was what many grieving people experienced.

I wasn’t mad after all. Nor was I depressed.

I was just grieving.

Being able to talk to someone who understood but wasn’t dealing with their own grief at my husband’s death. They were there just for me.

That felt so nice.

I didn’t feel guilty taking up her time.

I thought I would be given tasks to do and be told to get on with it.

Instead I was given understanding and a space being held for me to be and express all the range of emotions I was feeling.

I started to feel more at peace. Things were starting to make sense.

I started to feel I could be me again. Not the same me as before, but me all the same.

I learned that the me now, the me changed by grief, would be the new me.

I came to understand that grief had led me to feel weak and ineffectual. On my own was a daunting thing. Without my husband I felt so weak.

But I learned I was strong and I could survive this. I could learn how to be on my own after so long. I discovered strengths I didn’t know I possessed and started to feel less overwhelmed by daily tasks.

I realised I was healing and growing. And starting to feel joy and gratitude. I even started to find meaning in my life.

I still miss him. But I know that I can survive now.

I would recommend anyone going through grief to see a grief counsellor.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief Is Not All Just About Death. Other Losses Lead To Grief Too

For most people the word Grief is all about death. Death is a major loss. But any loss is something that needs to be grieved. It can in a wide range of sometimes unexpected forms. When Grief is unconnected from death it can be hard to have the words to use to explain it.

Here are some comments people made on a recent loss page:

Retirement

“I have been a teacher all my life. When I retired it felt like death. That was so painful.”

The End Of A Friendship

“My best friend grew up with me. We knew everything about each other. Even things we never told our parents or our partners. Suddenly the friendship is over and I don’t know why. She just blocked me on everything. It hurts so much.”

Losing A Dream Job And Career

“I have played the clarinet since I was old enough to get my fingers to reach all the keys. I have studied in Europe and been involved in orchestras around the world. I came back to Australia and loved the orchestra I was employed to work in. It wasn’t a big orchestra, we mainly did community work. After all the excitement of performing around the world I felt I was able to give back some of the blessings I had been given. I was bursting to express the skills I had acquired over my lifetime. Suddenly the orchestra was reducing staff and I lost my job. After the shock and disbelief wore off I felt such anger, despair and devastation.”

Losing A Much Loved Pet

“My dog. She was my life. My grandmother gave her to me as a tiny puppy after my mother died. She was the one I could cry to and all she did was love me. I could hug her when things were tough and she would love me. She was beside me as I learned to live without my mother. She was beside me as I navigated those teenage years alone. She was beside me as I grew into adulthood and took those tentative steps to independence. She was by my side for 16 years. And then she wasn’t. No one understood how much she meant to me, how much I depended on her unconditional love and comfort. To them she was just a dog and I could get another.”

Losing A Child

“I was 16 and discovered I was pregnant. I wasn’t ready to have a child. I lived in a very strict fundamentalist Christian home. My parents were very angry and threw me out. I ended up living with a friend’s family. But I couldn’t have a baby there. It was enough they took me in. So I had an abortion. I knew I couldn’t keep the baby, but it still hurt losing it. I remember it on the day it would have been due and I remember it on the day I had the abortion. I look at children the age it would have been and wonder what it would have looked like. No one acknowledges the pain of abortion. The loss.”

“I miscarried my first child. I was 8 weeks and had just started to feel comfortable to allow myself to feel pregnant and dream about what the baby would be like. Then it was gone. People told me I could have another. That I hadn’t bonded with it. Seriously? I felt that baby. I bonded. Having another would never replace this one.”

The One You Love Being Changed By Illness

“My husband had a car accident. He had a head injury and was in a coma for 10 days. When he woke up he wasn’t the same person. He had a different personality. Gone was the spontaneous, fun-loving man I had fallen in love with. Instead there was this morose, rigid person who had to follow a strict schedule and wouldn’t deviate from that. It was heart breaking.”

Physical Restrictions After Illness/Accident

“When I broke my leg my life totally changed. I had more shattered it than broken it. I loved cycling and came off my bike. They tried for months to fix my leg but after 9 months and 7 surgeries it was obvious my leg couldn’t be saved. In the end it was an above knee amputation. It restricted so much of what I could do. Even a below knee amputation would have meant I could do more. But above the knee took so much away from me. I can’t ride a bike anymore. I have tried. My physical restrictions are devastating. I am so lost without the freedom of riding my bike, feeling the wind on my skin as I sped along the road. People just don’t get it.”

Losing Your Purpose In Life

“I am a single parent. My husband left when my son was a baby. I raised him all this time on my own. He is grown up now and has left home and recently married. My whole purpose for 25 years was raising my son. Now he doesn’t need me any more. I have lost my purpose. I am grieving over that and my family don’t understand that.”

Other Losses

There are more instances of loss that I haven’t mentioned here. Moving house, moving to a new state, a new country, having your house burgled or your car stolen, loving a precious possession, and loss of identity. These are just some examples of loss.

The reality is that everyone at some stage in life will lose something or something they love.

Disenfranchised Grief

Grief is little tolerated when there is a death, and it is even less tolerated in the loss of other things.

Grief takes on many forms and the type of grief I have mentioned here is considered to be disenfranchised grief. Grief that is not recognised as grief and therefore is not something that is generally considered acceptable to grieve.

There can be swirling emotions, confusion, devastation, numbness and more. The same emotions expressed when a loved one dies are present in other types of grief. And feeling those emotions is perfectly okay. You have lost something very important and your feelings are valid. Disenfranchisement robs you of the permission to grieve, to feel the pain of the loss.

The Importance Of Acknowledging Your Loss

It is important to acknowledge all losses. Loss is about something you used to have that you don’t have anymore. The losses mentioned are ones that are not openly or publicly acknowledged, but they should. Often if you express your grief at these losses you will get kick back from others. People who think you are overreacting, or being selfish “because others are genuinely suffering from the death of a loved one and you are upset over this insignificant little thing.” But it isn’t insignificant. It is harder to understand. In a way loss through death is simpler. It is something that people can understand.

The Pain Of Lack Of Understanding

It is that lack of understanding that often makes your loss harder.

For the people posting above the lack of understanding from their families and friends made coping with their loss much harder.

The Clarinet player found her family took the attitude that she could retrain and get another job. She found that hard. Playing the clarinet in the orchestra was her dream job. It was her passion. She didn’t have another passion. She likened their attitude to the people who say to the person who lost a baby “you can always have another one” or the person who loses a spouse “there are plenty of other people out there.” She felt that no one understood how devastating this loss was and how deeply she was hurting.

All Losses Should Be Grieved

For these losses there is a need to grieve. This is made harder by the lack of understanding of other people. Many people go through rituals to help them.

The woman who lost her friend had a painting the friend had done at a painting party. She painted over the canvas, adding layers and layers of paint when she felt the need. In time she covered the entire painting so that the original painting was hidden. She found painting over the canvas therapeutic. She felt she was burying that part of her life. As she has never found out why her friend decided to end the friendship it was really helpful for her to just close that part of her life off.

Other people burn things, maintain memory boxes, clear out things, find something symbolic of what was lost – something to comfort. The list is as individual as each person grieving.

It is important to remember that the pain will never completely go away. There will be varying degrees of pain involved.

Always remember that it is perfectly valid to seek grief counselling over these losses.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you grieve your losses, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief Is Love In A Different Form

For one who just wants to leave grief and for one day forget grief exists. For one day even smile.

But Grief can’t leave you. Grief can never be away from you.

No matter how much you plead your exhaustion. How little strength you have to carry that heavy burden. How you just can’t cope with the overwhelming, impossible to carry, grief.

Grief is part of you now. Part of your existence. Part of your very being. Every cell in your body is encompassed now by grief.

You may run for a few hours. Be so absorbed in what you are doing that you forget…

But then you remember and Grief comes roaring back into your presence. You can never leave it behind.

You wonder why the world is so cruel. You feel the unfairness of the horrible darkness that has descended on you. The darkness you are fated to carry with you.

You don’t want this. You can’t handle it.

And in the depths of your mind a little voice reminds you of how much you loved the one who died. How feeling the loss of that love, of their presence, of the grief at that loss is how you honour them. How you honour their memory. How you honour everything they are. Everything they were.

And you wonder if there could be another way, but you know there isn’t. The sad reality is the one you loved is dead and you cannot experience them in the land of the living anymore.

You love them. You love them when you spring into consciousness in the morning. You love them as you dress, get breakfast, go about your day.

You love them as the day draws to a close. You love them as you go to sleep. You love them when you wake up in the night and remember.

You love them as you reminisce about them.

You love them as you look through old photos, old videos, things they gave you, jokes you laughed at, their favourite food. Love reminders are everywhere.

Grief is love that is no longer in your worldly life.

Grief is the love you can no longer experience in the presence of the one you loved.

Grief is reality.

Accepting the reality of the loss of your loved one is so hard to do. There are so many memories. Your brain faithfully brings them up for you to remember. Your brain hurts as it struggles to change your connection to your loved one.

It hurts as you struggle to remember and cherish your memories.

You walk through spaces where once they were and you feel the pain of their absence.

You listen for them to call you. You go places alone where once you went together. You think of something you planned together that you can only do on your own. The pain is everywhere and so hard to manage.

So you take a few moments to forget. And just for a little while you can rest without the burden of grief, until it returns as heavy as before.

When you try distractions, try to deliberately forget, grief just returns heavier than before. You can never escape. Grief is with you. Grief is you.

You are so tired of being like this and just want it to be over. But you can’t rush grief.

You struggle on. And on.

One day you realise you have remembered something about the one you loved. Instead of the acute pain you now feel it as something bittersweet and you smile at the memory.

It is then that you realise that grief is not always a terrible pain. Over time is becomes the memories you will always cherish. The memories that are sad but precious at the same time.

When you are in the throws of acute grief you think that moment will never come.

As you struggle through the months, even years, ahead you wonder if you have the stamina to see this through.

Sometimes you manage without help. Sometimes you need to speak to a counsellor. And some day you arrive at the moment where you realise grief really is love in a different form.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief Illiteracy

I have been a child losing a much loved grandparent. I have been a nurse constantly dealing with death. I have been an adult losing both parents. Now I am a counsellor working with the bereaved. One thing has struck me throughout my life. It is the lack of knowledge of grief.

I have heard it described as grief illiteracy and that is very accurate. As a society we lack literacy on grief.

People lack the skills to process their own grief and the skills to assist others to process grief.

What Happens Usually With Grief?

When someone is first bereaved there is an understanding that they will be upset and there is a perception of someone emotional who cries a lot.

This can lead to people being afraid to support the bereaved person. The fear of their deep emotions and what to say.

For many people overwhelming emotions are what happen. But for others this doesn’t happen. Some people remain relatively calm.

Both reactions are normal grief reactions. Both are grieving and in pain.

Societal Expectations

The trouble with society expectations is that after a few weeks those who are upset and emotional are expected to be back to normal and those who are seemingly calm are judged as not caring because of the lack of outward emotion.

Grief illiteracy leads people to think that after the funeral everything gets back to normal. People get on with their lives and think you should do that same.

It is as though grief is like a cold. There is a short period of disruption and then back to normal in a few days. Research shows that social support drops off after 3 to 4 days, the time when you should be over a cold.

In our society there is an obsession with things being tidy and neat. There is an adherence to an outdated belief in grief following stages that happen in a certain order. This plays into the tidy and neat obsession.

In reality grief is messy and it takes time.

The Harm Caused By Grief Illiteracy

I have had people come to see me who were being told by friends that it was unhealthy for them to stay home and not come out and socialise as they used to. This when their loved one only died a few weeks ago.

It has been suggested that our society, with its emphasis on working, productivity and serving the consumer does not allow time for grief. It is inconvenient. It is unproductive. In this instant gratification time it prevents others from achieving that instant gratification and is therefore bad and selfish.

The Flip Side Of The Coin, The Belief That Grief As An Emotionally Turbulent Time Lasts Forever

Yes you will always grieve for the one you love. But you will not always be stuck in emotional turmoil. You will thrive, be happy and experience great joy. You will also never forget the one you love.

Many in society judge the bereaved person as not grieving enough if some time later they are living a full life and are happy and full of joy.

The idea that acute grief is eternal. That acute grief is what grief is, rather than just part of the processing of grief. This is a huge barrier to living with loss.

Discomfort Around Death

In western culture there is discomfort around death. Much of this is based on great fear and anxiety around death.

Whereas other cultures have rituals that assist with processing grief, western culture is uncomfortable with rituals.

Yet rituals help acknowledge the reality of death.

People won’t mention the word death and children rarely hear it. Euphemisms are used a lot and there is push back, even from professionals, on the use of the words died and death. Yet many want to use those words.

Some believe to talk about death brings bad luck. Many avoid making wills or planning for end of life such as funeral plans and funeral wishes because they believe it will hasten their death. Others believe attending a funeral will bring bad luck.

The Benefits Of Counselling

Seeing a grief trained counsellor can be helpful when you are battling the grief illiteracy of others.

Being able to talk about the one you lost to someone who gives you permission to talk about your experience is really helpful.

Having permission to grieve is important in order to process that grief.

Seeing a counsellor won’t bring your loved one back, but it will help you process your grief.

Most people who have hidden their grief, afraid of the reaction of others, have found great comfort and relief in being able to talk about their grief.

Being able to talk with someone who is not afraid to mention the taboo words death and died is really affirming. Suddenly it is okay to be sad, to cry, to want to talk about the person, to miss them terribly, but also to laugh and feel joy.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with processing your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Heartbreak Underlies Grief

Having been on my own grief journey many times, and listened to many people on their grief journeys, one thing that strikes me is the heartbreak of losing someone you love.

The loss may be due to death, a broken relationship, having to move somewhere new, losing a treasured object or any other event that results in loss.

I have always been aware of how little people know about grief and how unhelpful those people can be when you are grieving. But it was only when hearing Canadian writer Zoe Whittall be interviewed about a poetic memoir she wrote that the realisation dawned on me that one of the big issues is heartbreak.

Zoe feels in our Western culture there is a practice of not admitting the depth of loss for the individual. Loss is life changing and it can impact many years of your life.

She described that loss as not something that people relate in cold, hard facts but something related in deeply emotional experiences and feelings.

I pondered that for some time after hearing the interview. I realised she was right. The biggest thing for me with all the deaths and other losses I had mourned was the broken heart I was left trying to mend.

In our deeply analytical culture, with an emphasis on evidence based mental health, the acknowledgement of the depth of emotion involved in grief is often brushed aside.

Instead grief is pathologised and people who grieve for “too long” are considered to be mentally unwell. The reality is they are mending a broken heart and learning how to live again. And they are doing really well.

Sadly people feel uncomfortable when confronted with the heartbroken grief of another person. When people are uncomfortable their instinct is to shut the other person down. Hence the heartbroken are unsupported.

When putting her book together Zoe’s editor told her that “Heartache is a universal experience.”

That is so true. If you are heartbroken and grieving, draw comfort from the fact that others are heartbroken too. If you can, seek out those people so that you can feel safe to share your heartbreak, to feel heard.

• And if you are worried that maybe there is something wrong with you.

• Or you feel overwhelmed by the people around you telling you that you should be over it by now.

• Or if you can’t find others to share with and you need to be heard …

… then seeking grief counselling can be helpful.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your heartbroken grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au