In the Movie “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” one of the characters, Evelyn, has lost her husband. One of the biggest issues for her becomes trying to attend to the telephone account. It is in her husband’s name. She fights over many harrowing phone calls with the unempathic call centre staff. Eventually, to settle the debts she discovered her husband had, she sells their house in England and moves to the Marigold Hotel in India. There she visits the call centre for her telephone provider and gives them a stern lecture about how to treat widows struggling to complete their paperwork in the wake of their husband’s death.
It was a strong illustration of the difficulties you can face when your partner dies. And a satisfying ending for Evelyn.
The Bureaucracy of Modern Life
So much of modern life is tied up in bureaucracy. Where might your partner have an interest that has to be attended to? Home loan, house deeds, council rates, water rates, electricity, superannuation, employer, car, personal loans, telephone account, internet, passwords on computer, phone, other digital devices, access to bank accounts. That is just the start of the list. Where is their will? Do you have access to it? And what about the death certificate?
Losing your partner is devastating. The paperwork afterwards is traumatising.
Not Everyone Will Care That You Are Grieving
You will need so many documents, foremost being the death certificate, sighted and copies signed by a JP. Hope that you get a compassionate one.
You will have to go places with people who don’t care that your partner has died, that you are devastated, that every ounce of strength has been required to get into this place. All they will want is to follow the guidelines and sight documents.
Expect to be brought to tears numerous times.
Expect to struggle to fill in countless forms that don’t make sense, or require obscure information you don’t know where to locate.
Seek Help Where You Can
Draw on as much help as you can. Give yourself regular breaks from filling in all that paperwork.
If friends offer help, accept it. Especially when it comes to filling out those forms or working out how to access that laptop!
Don’t be frightened to seek counselling help to cope with your grief and the stress of filling in those forms.
Below are some resources you can turn to for information on how to fill in all those forms. There are many more. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and stress, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I recently read an opinion piece by Meg Walter. It was about the year following the death of her much loved father.
She titled it “What I learned during the worst year of my life”
During that year she lost her father. She found it terribly painful and was hoping the new year would bring less pain.
She realised, however, that she had learned some important things during her worst year. She didn’t want to learn them, but she did, and they have changed her life’s direction.
Life Goes On, But Grief Will Insert Itself
This was a heading Meg had in her writing. I think it is really apt.
Losing her dad was a shock. Then there was the funeral and what she described as “a much-needed period of bereavement”. After that she had to go back out into the world. What she described as re-entering society.
For her this was a case of discovering how many times you can cry in strange places.
Grief Is Unpredictable
She discovered her grief hit her unpredictably, like waves, and hit her far too many times in public. This is something most people report experiencing. I remember that time myself. It is not easy.
Grief Has Many Triggers
She also discovered that there are many triggers that made her cry. Things she was not aware would be triggers. She found any man older than her father had been was distressing.
I remember years after my much loved grandfather died hearing about the death of a man who wrote a daily devotional I had read for years. I had never met the man, but I thought of his grandchildren and their distress at his death and I sobbed uncontrollably for some time.
There is no time limit for when their death will distress you.
For Meg songs her father loved were another trigger. People have reported to me being triggered by a certain scent, an animal, a vehicle like the one their loved one owned, seeing someone doing the same type of job, a favourite place, or nothing at all. Even today 40 plus years after my grandfather died I still get teary seeing an old man.
Grief Intervenes Anywhere and Everywhere
Tears can come in the strangest places too. Meg described crying in a bank, her children’s school, doctor’s surgery, car wash, a restaurant, at home online, at the hairdresser. The list of places is endless.
The Fear Of Crying In Public
One of the biggest fears I find with people who are grieving is that they will cry in public. For many this is deeply shaming. Meg reported learning to not feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Instead she learned to feel grateful to be able to sit with the emotions and understand her feelings. She described as this being something that in normal life is rare.
That is true. It is a good way to view those times of overwhelming emotion. Instead of seeing them as embarrassing, see them as a special opportunity to sit with those emotions and understand your feelings.
Sadness Harmonises With Other Emotions
This is another one of Meg’s headings. It is a great description of what happens.
Meg found that over time she didn’t cry as much in public, or even in private.
She found that she grew used to the sadness. Once that happened she started feeling other emotions as well.
Sadness has become something that is always there. It sits next to other feelings.
This is something many people who come to see me acknowledge. They can be sad and delight in something. They can be sad and spend a few hours watching a funny movie. They can laugh and be sad too.
Sadness can be overwhelming at times. Most people experience that. But sadness can always be there. Meg describes it as a companion emotion. Being a little bit sad.
The Pain Never Really Goes Away
This is something I often talk about. There will always be that pain. One of the best descriptions I have seen of that pain is seen in the picture that accompanies this blog. It is of a black rock in a small jar. It takes up almost the entire jar. Over time the jar grows but the rock doesn’t. The jar grows and the rock becomes relatively smaller.
As you grieve you grow. The pain is still there, but it is not as overwhelming as it once was.
Meg expressed her hope that the pain would transform to be a reminder of who her father was and what he meant to her. Most people who come to see me find that over time their pain undergoes that transformation.
Finding Meaning
We humans are meaning finding. We search throughout our lives for meaning. Meaning in life and meaning in life’s events.
When someone we love dies we search for meaning in their lives, in your life.
For Meg that meaning was that her father is remembered for being a good man who treated others well and valued his relationships. That was important to her. It became her meaning.
Meg concluded that her father’s loss redefined her, as it does to all of us. Her hope was that this redefinition was for the better. That is a wish most people who come to see me express.
Meg hoped that the lessons she learned from her father’s death will stay with her. I find they usually do.
That redefinition and learning of lessons is a vital part of meaning making in your life after you lose one you loved.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I was reading recently about the experience of Carrie Fisher’s daughter grieving for her mother as the years pass on the anniversary of her death.
It brought to mind my own experience grieving for my mother.
For Carri Fisher’s daughter the day is something to dread. She starts worrying about it weeks in advance. She knows she will be feeling awful and dreads the day coming. She wakes up on that day with a dark cloud over her. She related that it takes her children waking up to dispel the dark clouds.
She described the anniversaries of her mother’s death to an emotional tropical storm. It rains a lot but the light between is more beautiful than days without storm clouds.
Dancing With The Limp
Anne Lamott, in her book “Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith.” Wrote:
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
The Limp Makes You A Better Dancer
Carrie Fisher’s daughter thought that analogy was so true. She realised she has a limp from her grief but she is dancing through life and is a better dancer because of her limp.
Her grief helped her to appreciate more the little moments of life. She said she watches her children and feels they are magic. She sees her mother as being in that magic. There is that realisation that she can feel a lot of things: grief, joy, longing, magic, emptiness, fullness. All coexist profoundly.
Those words are very powerful.
My Experience with Death Anniversaries
Reading them I was reminded of my grief after my mother’s death. I didn’t have a wonderful loving relationship with my mother. There was a lot of hurt and pain to work through after she died and some years I deliberately ignored her death anniversary.
No matter how hard I tried to avoid it however, I would find myself feeling inexplicably down. Looking at the calendar I would realise it was my mother’s death anniversary.
The Body Does Not Forget
I may have wanted to forget but my body did not.
Last year was 21 years since she died. Reflecting on her death and the intervening years I realised it was 21 years of liberation from her controlling behaviour.
I was able to celebrate the coming of age of my freedom to be me. It felt like the end of an era.
I wonder if this year I will feel unsettled on her death anniversary?
Sweetness Of Love Bitterness Of Loss Or Is It?
For many people the relationship with their parent/s is a wonderful relationship and the sadness of their death anniversary has the sweetness of love and the bitterness of loss in it.
For others the relationship carries a lot of pain. This compounds the death anniversary. There is more longing for the love that never was. The bitterness is for the loss of opportunity to ever experience that love.
Death Anniversaries Occur In All Losses
Of course, death anniversaries do not only occur with children grieving their parent. Every death has an anniversary and every one who loved that person is part of that death anniversary.
Planning For Death Anniversaries
The important thing about the death anniversary is to allow it to be. Don’t rush to avoid it. Instead plan how you will remember it.
Many people I know plan special activities for the death anniversary of their loved one. Maybe they do something their loved one liked doing, or they arrange a private day on their own. Some organise a get together with others who loved this person. Others just acknowledge the day.
Whatever you plan to do is part of how you cope with your loved one’s death. It can be a day to spend thinking about the person, reflecting on their life, acknowledging the changes in your life since they died. If the relationship was difficult, maybe you will spend the day reflecting on how you have grown since then. Maybe you will look at ways to let go of the hurt they inflicted on you.
In the early years of grief it is always helpful to plan what you will do on the day. You may continue that as time goes on or you may be more impromptu in your actions on that day. Whatever you decide, allow yourself to be okay with that.
Getting Help
If you still find yourself struggling to manage your grief and feel it affects how you live your life then seeking the assistance of a grief counsellor can be helpful.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Today I have drawn together some wonderful poetry on grief.
On Those Days
The first is by Donna Ashworth. So many people I see for counselling are hard on themselves and forget to give themselves the love the one they have lost would give them. This poem is a reminder to honour the one you loved by loving yourself.
On those days when you miss someone the most, as though your memories are sharp enough to slice through skin and bone, remember how they loved you. Remember how they loved you and do that, for yourself. In their name, in their honour. Love yourself, as they loved you. They would like that. On those days when you miss someone the most, love yourself harder.
How Long Will You Stay?
This one is by Ullie-kaye and addresses the question of how long grief will stay. The answer is forever, not as bad as this, but still some of it. And Grief reminds you of the new way you must find to live.
Me: How long will you stay? Grief: for as long as you love them. Me: Will I always be sad? Grief: a part of you, yes. Me: What about the other parts? Grief: they will find a new way. Me: A new way for what? Grief: a new way to breathe To laugh To walk To wake up To create To experience nature To see the world To be courageous To hear music To carry hope To speak their names A new way to love from a nearby distance.
Keep Going
Adrian Grief Support wrote this wonderful piece:
Grief can be a very surreal experience, a forced march through a landscape that is frightening, lonely, and utterly bewildering.
You feel like you are slogging along, stumbling really, unnoticed by the rest of the ordinary world while trying to adjust to your new normal, where every step feels uncertain, and your eventual destination is unknown.
Nothing feels normal about the void left by the absence of someone deeply loved.
The adjustment to reality after a significant loss is often a slow and extremely difficult process, taking months and years of gradual acceptance, not days or weeks.
It’s like learning to walk again on an uneven path, where each step forward is reluctant and suffused with the memory of how things used to be.
In this new reality, time itself seems to warp and bend. The world continues its relentless pace, but for the bereaved, it feels like every movement and decision requires a Herculean effort.
Keep going, even though it’s tough right now and you’re really tired.
The path you’re on is awful and feels never-ending, but there’s a point further along where things get a bit easier.
You can’t see it yet, but there’s a place up ahead where the pain starts to ease. As time goes by, you’ll begin to remember the good times more than the bad, and the love you shared will start to outshine the hurt you’re feeling now.
Just keep going, my friend.
The One
This final piece if by Mary Anne Byrne and is a beautiful cry from the heart:
‘The One’
You were my soulmate, my happiness, my life, the one that believed in me, in you I found strength You were the one who gave meaning to my life, you gave me purpose and a reason to live. You were the sunshine in all my waking hours, my light, my go to, my guardian and my guide. You were the one I could always rely on, together nothing fazed us, we were confident and strong. You were the one who made me feel safe, my stalworth, my protector, my anchor and my rock. You were the one I could always turn to, your love and support I could always count on. You were the one who could always make me smile, even on those days when life seemed a little hard. You were the one that I loved with all my heart and will continue to do so, for the rest of my life.
A Widow’s Story
The last words on this subject are from a client who was happy to share her words with you. Her name is omitted and some details have been changed to give her privacy.
It was 14 months ago and my life fell apart. I lost my husband to cancer.
We had been together 47 years.
He was my soulmate, my confidant, my partner in crime, my best friend. He was my everything.
After he was gone I felt my life had not purpose. There was no joy. I had lost all hope. I found myself drowning and a raging see of grief and loneliness.
My doctor suggested antidepressants. They didn’t help.
I joined a support group. They were friendly and we shared our pain, but it didn’t give me back my purpose, joy or hope.
I wanted to heal and move on. I just didn’t know how. I was stuck in a dark hole and couldn’t see any light.
There was nothing to live for. Nothing to look forward to. Life was very bleak.
I had a loving family and plenty of friends. They all cared for me. They visited me, called me, invited me out, made sure I had plenty of human contact. But I still felt alone and isolated.
So I visited a counsellor.
I learned that what I was experiencing was not unusual. In fact, it was what many grieving people experienced.
I wasn’t mad after all. Nor was I depressed.
I was just grieving.
Being able to talk to someone who understood but wasn’t dealing with their own grief at my husband’s death. They were there just for me.
That felt so nice.
I didn’t feel guilty taking up her time.
I thought I would be given tasks to do and be told to get on with it.
Instead I was given understanding and a space being held for me to be and express all the range of emotions I was feeling.
I started to feel more at peace. Things were starting to make sense.
I started to feel I could be me again. Not the same me as before, but me all the same.
I learned that the me now, the me changed by grief, would be the new me.
I came to understand that grief had led me to feel weak and ineffectual. On my own was a daunting thing. Without my husband I felt so weak.
But I learned I was strong and I could survive this. I could learn how to be on my own after so long. I discovered strengths I didn’t know I possessed and started to feel less overwhelmed by daily tasks.
I realised I was healing and growing. And starting to feel joy and gratitude. I even started to find meaning in my life.
I still miss him. But I know that I can survive now.
I would recommend anyone going through grief to see a grief counsellor.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
For most people the word Grief is all about death. Death is a major loss. But any loss is something that needs to be grieved. It can in a wide range of sometimes unexpected forms. When Grief is unconnected from death it can be hard to have the words to use to explain it.
Here are some comments people made on a recent loss page:
Retirement
“I have been a teacher all my life. When I retired it felt like death. That was so painful.”
The End Of A Friendship
“My best friend grew up with me. We knew everything about each other. Even things we never told our parents or our partners. Suddenly the friendship is over and I don’t know why. She just blocked me on everything. It hurts so much.”
Losing A Dream Job And Career
“I have played the clarinet since I was old enough to get my fingers to reach all the keys. I have studied in Europe and been involved in orchestras around the world. I came back to Australia and loved the orchestra I was employed to work in. It wasn’t a big orchestra, we mainly did community work. After all the excitement of performing around the world I felt I was able to give back some of the blessings I had been given. I was bursting to express the skills I had acquired over my lifetime. Suddenly the orchestra was reducing staff and I lost my job. After the shock and disbelief wore off I felt such anger, despair and devastation.”
Losing A Much Loved Pet
“My dog. She was my life. My grandmother gave her to me as a tiny puppy after my mother died. She was the one I could cry to and all she did was love me. I could hug her when things were tough and she would love me. She was beside me as I learned to live without my mother. She was beside me as I navigated those teenage years alone. She was beside me as I grew into adulthood and took those tentative steps to independence. She was by my side for 16 years. And then she wasn’t. No one understood how much she meant to me, how much I depended on her unconditional love and comfort. To them she was just a dog and I could get another.”
Losing A Child
“I was 16 and discovered I was pregnant. I wasn’t ready to have a child. I lived in a very strict fundamentalist Christian home. My parents were very angry and threw me out. I ended up living with a friend’s family. But I couldn’t have a baby there. It was enough they took me in. So I had an abortion. I knew I couldn’t keep the baby, but it still hurt losing it. I remember it on the day it would have been due and I remember it on the day I had the abortion. I look at children the age it would have been and wonder what it would have looked like. No one acknowledges the pain of abortion. The loss.”
“I miscarried my first child. I was 8 weeks and had just started to feel comfortable to allow myself to feel pregnant and dream about what the baby would be like. Then it was gone. People told me I could have another. That I hadn’t bonded with it. Seriously? I felt that baby. I bonded. Having another would never replace this one.”
The One You Love Being Changed By Illness
“My husband had a car accident. He had a head injury and was in a coma for 10 days. When he woke up he wasn’t the same person. He had a different personality. Gone was the spontaneous, fun-loving man I had fallen in love with. Instead there was this morose, rigid person who had to follow a strict schedule and wouldn’t deviate from that. It was heart breaking.”
Physical Restrictions After Illness/Accident
“When I broke my leg my life totally changed. I had more shattered it than broken it. I loved cycling and came off my bike. They tried for months to fix my leg but after 9 months and 7 surgeries it was obvious my leg couldn’t be saved. In the end it was an above knee amputation. It restricted so much of what I could do. Even a below knee amputation would have meant I could do more. But above the knee took so much away from me. I can’t ride a bike anymore. I have tried. My physical restrictions are devastating. I am so lost without the freedom of riding my bike, feeling the wind on my skin as I sped along the road. People just don’t get it.”
Losing Your Purpose In Life
“I am a single parent. My husband left when my son was a baby. I raised him all this time on my own. He is grown up now and has left home and recently married. My whole purpose for 25 years was raising my son. Now he doesn’t need me any more. I have lost my purpose. I am grieving over that and my family don’t understand that.”
Other Losses
There are more instances of loss that I haven’t mentioned here. Moving house, moving to a new state, a new country, having your house burgled or your car stolen, loving a precious possession, and loss of identity. These are just some examples of loss.
The reality is that everyone at some stage in life will lose something or something they love.
Disenfranchised Grief
Grief is little tolerated when there is a death, and it is even less tolerated in the loss of other things.
Grief takes on many forms and the type of grief I have mentioned here is considered to be disenfranchised grief. Grief that is not recognised as grief and therefore is not something that is generally considered acceptable to grieve.
There can be swirling emotions, confusion, devastation, numbness and more. The same emotions expressed when a loved one dies are present in other types of grief. And feeling those emotions is perfectly okay. You have lost something very important and your feelings are valid. Disenfranchisement robs you of the permission to grieve, to feel the pain of the loss.
The Importance Of Acknowledging Your Loss
It is important to acknowledge all losses. Loss is about something you used to have that you don’t have anymore. The losses mentioned are ones that are not openly or publicly acknowledged, but they should. Often if you express your grief at these losses you will get kick back from others. People who think you are overreacting, or being selfish “because others are genuinely suffering from the death of a loved one and you are upset over this insignificant little thing.” But it isn’t insignificant. It is harder to understand. In a way loss through death is simpler. It is something that people can understand.
The Pain Of Lack Of Understanding
It is that lack of understanding that often makes your loss harder.
For the people posting above the lack of understanding from their families and friends made coping with their loss much harder.
The Clarinet player found her family took the attitude that she could retrain and get another job. She found that hard. Playing the clarinet in the orchestra was her dream job. It was her passion. She didn’t have another passion. She likened their attitude to the people who say to the person who lost a baby “you can always have another one” or the person who loses a spouse “there are plenty of other people out there.” She felt that no one understood how devastating this loss was and how deeply she was hurting.
All Losses Should Be Grieved
For these losses there is a need to grieve. This is made harder by the lack of understanding of other people. Many people go through rituals to help them.
The woman who lost her friend had a painting the friend had done at a painting party. She painted over the canvas, adding layers and layers of paint when she felt the need. In time she covered the entire painting so that the original painting was hidden. She found painting over the canvas therapeutic. She felt she was burying that part of her life. As she has never found out why her friend decided to end the friendship it was really helpful for her to just close that part of her life off.
Other people burn things, maintain memory boxes, clear out things, find something symbolic of what was lost – something to comfort. The list is as individual as each person grieving.
It is important to remember that the pain will never completely go away. There will be varying degrees of pain involved.
Always remember that it is perfectly valid to seek grief counselling over these losses.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you grieve your losses, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
For one who just wants to leave grief and for one day forget grief exists. For one day even smile.
But Grief can’t leave you. Grief can never be away from you.
No matter how much you plead your exhaustion. How little strength you have to carry that heavy burden. How you just can’t cope with the overwhelming, impossible to carry, grief.
Grief is part of you now. Part of your existence. Part of your very being. Every cell in your body is encompassed now by grief.
You may run for a few hours. Be so absorbed in what you are doing that you forget…
But then you remember and Grief comes roaring back into your presence. You can never leave it behind.
You wonder why the world is so cruel. You feel the unfairness of the horrible darkness that has descended on you. The darkness you are fated to carry with you.
You don’t want this. You can’t handle it.
And in the depths of your mind a little voice reminds you of how much you loved the one who died. How feeling the loss of that love, of their presence, of the grief at that loss is how you honour them. How you honour their memory. How you honour everything they are. Everything they were.
And you wonder if there could be another way, but you know there isn’t. The sad reality is the one you loved is dead and you cannot experience them in the land of the living anymore.
You love them. You love them when you spring into consciousness in the morning. You love them as you dress, get breakfast, go about your day.
You love them as the day draws to a close. You love them as you go to sleep. You love them when you wake up in the night and remember.
You love them as you reminisce about them.
You love them as you look through old photos, old videos, things they gave you, jokes you laughed at, their favourite food. Love reminders are everywhere.
Grief is love that is no longer in your worldly life.
Grief is the love you can no longer experience in the presence of the one you loved.
Grief is reality.
Accepting the reality of the loss of your loved one is so hard to do. There are so many memories. Your brain faithfully brings them up for you to remember. Your brain hurts as it struggles to change your connection to your loved one.
It hurts as you struggle to remember and cherish your memories.
You walk through spaces where once they were and you feel the pain of their absence.
You listen for them to call you. You go places alone where once you went together. You think of something you planned together that you can only do on your own. The pain is everywhere and so hard to manage.
So you take a few moments to forget. And just for a little while you can rest without the burden of grief, until it returns as heavy as before.
When you try distractions, try to deliberately forget, grief just returns heavier than before. You can never escape. Grief is with you. Grief is you.
You are so tired of being like this and just want it to be over. But you can’t rush grief.
You struggle on. And on.
One day you realise you have remembered something about the one you loved. Instead of the acute pain you now feel it as something bittersweet and you smile at the memory.
It is then that you realise that grief is not always a terrible pain. Over time is becomes the memories you will always cherish. The memories that are sad but precious at the same time.
When you are in the throws of acute grief you think that moment will never come.
As you struggle through the months, even years, ahead you wonder if you have the stamina to see this through.
Sometimes you manage without help. Sometimes you need to speak to a counsellor. And some day you arrive at the moment where you realise grief really is love in a different form.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I have been a child losing a much loved grandparent. I have been a nurse constantly dealing with death. I have been an adult losing both parents. Now I am a counsellor working with the bereaved. One thing has struck me throughout my life. It is the lack of knowledge of grief.
I have heard it described as grief illiteracy and that is very accurate. As a society we lack literacy on grief.
People lack the skills to process their own grief and the skills to assist others to process grief.
What Happens Usually With Grief?
When someone is first bereaved there is an understanding that they will be upset and there is a perception of someone emotional who cries a lot.
This can lead to people being afraid to support the bereaved person. The fear of their deep emotions and what to say.
For many people overwhelming emotions are what happen. But for others this doesn’t happen. Some people remain relatively calm.
Both reactions are normal grief reactions. Both are grieving and in pain.
Societal Expectations
The trouble with society expectations is that after a few weeks those who are upset and emotional are expected to be back to normal and those who are seemingly calm are judged as not caring because of the lack of outward emotion.
Grief illiteracy leads people to think that after the funeral everything gets back to normal. People get on with their lives and think you should do that same.
It is as though grief is like a cold. There is a short period of disruption and then back to normal in a few days. Research shows that social support drops off after 3 to 4 days, the time when you should be over a cold.
In our society there is an obsession with things being tidy and neat. There is an adherence to an outdated belief in grief following stages that happen in a certain order. This plays into the tidy and neat obsession.
In reality grief is messy and it takes time.
The Harm Caused By Grief Illiteracy
I have had people come to see me who were being told by friends that it was unhealthy for them to stay home and not come out and socialise as they used to. This when their loved one only died a few weeks ago.
It has been suggested that our society, with its emphasis on working, productivity and serving the consumer does not allow time for grief. It is inconvenient. It is unproductive. In this instant gratification time it prevents others from achieving that instant gratification and is therefore bad and selfish.
The Flip Side Of The Coin, The Belief That Grief As An Emotionally Turbulent Time Lasts Forever
Yes you will always grieve for the one you love. But you will not always be stuck in emotional turmoil. You will thrive, be happy and experience great joy. You will also never forget the one you love.
Many in society judge the bereaved person as not grieving enough if some time later they are living a full life and are happy and full of joy.
The idea that acute grief is eternal. That acute grief is what grief is, rather than just part of the processing of grief. This is a huge barrier to living with loss.
Discomfort Around Death
In western culture there is discomfort around death. Much of this is based on great fear and anxiety around death.
Whereas other cultures have rituals that assist with processing grief, western culture is uncomfortable with rituals.
Yet rituals help acknowledge the reality of death.
People won’t mention the word death and children rarely hear it. Euphemisms are used a lot and there is push back, even from professionals, on the use of the words died and death. Yet many want to use those words.
Some believe to talk about death brings bad luck. Many avoid making wills or planning for end of life such as funeral plans and funeral wishes because they believe it will hasten their death. Others believe attending a funeral will bring bad luck.
The Benefits Of Counselling
Seeing a grief trained counsellor can be helpful when you are battling the grief illiteracy of others.
Being able to talk about the one you lost to someone who gives you permission to talk about your experience is really helpful.
Having permission to grieve is important in order to process that grief.
Seeing a counsellor won’t bring your loved one back, but it will help you process your grief.
Most people who have hidden their grief, afraid of the reaction of others, have found great comfort and relief in being able to talk about their grief.
Being able to talk with someone who is not afraid to mention the taboo words death and died is really affirming. Suddenly it is okay to be sad, to cry, to want to talk about the person, to miss them terribly, but also to laugh and feel joy.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with processing your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Having been on my own grief journey many times, and listened to many people on their grief journeys, one thing that strikes me is the heartbreak of losing someone you love.
The loss may be due to death, a broken relationship, having to move somewhere new, losing a treasured object or any other event that results in loss.
I have always been aware of how little people know about grief and how unhelpful those people can be when you are grieving. But it was only when hearing Canadian writer Zoe Whittall be interviewed about a poetic memoir she wrote that the realisation dawned on me that one of the big issues is heartbreak.
Zoe feels in our Western culture there is a practice of not admitting the depth of loss for the individual. Loss is life changing and it can impact many years of your life.
She described that loss as not something that people relate in cold, hard facts but something related in deeply emotional experiences and feelings.
I pondered that for some time after hearing the interview. I realised she was right. The biggest thing for me with all the deaths and other losses I had mourned was the broken heart I was left trying to mend.
In our deeply analytical culture, with an emphasis on evidence based mental health, the acknowledgement of the depth of emotion involved in grief is often brushed aside.
Instead grief is pathologised and people who grieve for “too long” are considered to be mentally unwell. The reality is they are mending a broken heart and learning how to live again. And they are doing really well.
Sadly people feel uncomfortable when confronted with the heartbroken grief of another person. When people are uncomfortable their instinct is to shut the other person down. Hence the heartbroken are unsupported.
When putting her book together Zoe’s editor told her that “Heartache is a universal experience.”
That is so true. If you are heartbroken and grieving, draw comfort from the fact that others are heartbroken too. If you can, seek out those people so that you can feel safe to share your heartbreak, to feel heard.
• And if you are worried that maybe there is something wrong with you.
• Or you feel overwhelmed by the people around you telling you that you should be over it by now.
• Or if you can’t find others to share with and you need to be heard …
… then seeking grief counselling can be helpful.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your heartbroken grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
The concept of grace was discussed by a bereaved mother recently. She described the healing from grief as reaching a point of grace.
She contended that grief and grace cannot be rushed, but so many try to rush the unfolding of grief and try to rush others.
She spoke of people in her church trying to rush her through her grief.
They told her God had a plan and wanted her to buy into that story.
They told her that her child was in a better place and wanted her to buy into that story.
Not surprisingly she was devastated. Her life was shattered. She felt isolated in her grief.
Her well-meaning friends and church community isolated her further. She resented their efforts to make her grief neat and rapid.
She wasn’t ready to consider those stories, or any others that people presented to her.
She just wanted to sit in her grief. To experience it. To allow it to devastate her and to heal her. She wanted to become familiar with its landscape and be unafraid to walk away from it and return when she needed to.
For her grace is the point in grief where she was able to be comfortable with her son’s death. Not like the fact he died but no longer hurt as much, to feel a sense of acceptance that this had happened.
She described reaching that point as graced acceptance.
In the process of reaching that point she joined other communities who had more understanding of death and didn’t feel threatened by the devastation and desolation of death.
She found sharing her grief with others was healing. The act of intentionally stepping aside to be with those grief groups was a wonderful antidote to the desolation she was experiencing.
In these groups the talk was more about how to look after herself than justifying his death.
Back in the real-world people were still pressuring her to rush that healing, to rush finding that point of grace. She was exhorted to rush reaching the point of acceptance. But she was not ready.
What she found as time went on is that acceptance comes when it is ready. You cannot rush reaching that point. If you try to all you do is suppress the pain.
Pain needs to be journeyed with, felt, and learned to live with.
That is where grace comes in. To reach that point of being comfortable with the new landscape.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In the past year a lot of my friends have lost their partners. Others have lost family members. Others have lost pets. Not a week has gone by without hearing of a death.
There have been a lot of funerals and a lot of tears.
There has also been resilience and healing.
With one friend whose dog had died I found myself falling into the trap of telling her about my own dog dying because I wanted to console her feeling of guilt at not having acted fast enough to end her dog’s suffering.
That was the wrong thing to do. I didn’t even get to the point of the story before she had quite rightly switched off.
Christmas brought communications from overseas friends and more notifications of deaths.
This got me thinking. Even the most grief trained and educated, when not in our formal roles, can slip up when supporting those who are grieving.
For this reason I decided my first blog of 2025 would be about things we need to remember when with someone who has been bereaved.
Be Mindful
One of the most important things to remember is to be mindful of what you are saying and thinking.
Maintaining awareness of what is happening for you and what you are hearing is very important.
Couple that awareness with questioning. In your mind be curious about your responses and whether they are for you, or the person who is bereaved.
My example of wanting to reassure my friend that she didn’t need to feel guilty about not acting fast enough to end her dog’s suffering is a good one here.
How could I word my reassurance in a way that met her needs? Not mine.
Why did I need to reassure her? Was it for her or because I needed the reassurance myself?
Did she need reassurance? This leads me to my next reminder.
Don’t Make Assumptions
Often when supporting another person you can draw on your own experience to decide what support they need. That is quite normal.
It is always important to be aware that what you needed in a similar situation is not necessarily what the other person needs now.
If the person tells you something, for example “I feel guilty I didn’t take my dog to the vet earlier” then it is okay to offer support around that.
If they didn’t say that but you think that might be how they are feeling then ask them. For example. “from what you are saying I was wondering if you felt guilty you didn’t take the dog to the vet earlier”. They can say yes or no. If yes then you may ask if they would like to talk about that.
Don’t rush in with fix it statements (see heading fix it).
Don’t Offer Sympathy.
Often a person’s story of grief is a big, distressing story. Sometimes it is a very traumatic story.
Don’t get caught up in the story and suffer with that person.
This is sympathy and it can lead to you being very unhelpful.
Instead offer empathy. Listen from a slight emotional distance. This is where mindfulness is important. Listen with that understanding that you are hearing the other person’s story but you are not part of it. This allows you to hear their pain but not immerse yourself in it as well where you are no help to them.
One of my lecturers described the difference between sympathy and empathy with the following analogy:
Do You Jump In The Hole or Put Down a Rope?
My lecturer described sympathy as encountering someone stuck in a hole.
You race to jump in the hole with them. Then you find you are stuck there too. Neither of you can get out.
For the person in the hole, they need to get out, not have someone else there too who they may have to care for as well.
Empathy is seeing the person in the hole and letting a rope down into the hole so they can climb out. You offer them the acknowledgement of their predicament and listen to them. Then you help them to climb out of that hole where they can be outside the hole with the security of someone who is caring and comforting but not drowning in their pain.
Don’t Try to ‘fix’ it
There are many reasons people try to “fix” another person’s grief.
One is that is how they learned as children, watching adults in their life offer platitudes or tell the bereaved person what they should do and how they should feel.
Another is that death is uncomfortable, as is distress. If you are sitting with someone who has been bereaved you are experiencing the shock of the death, the reality of death.
It is an uncomfortable feeling.
Most of us learn as children to run from discomfort or shut it down. And the response to an uncomfortable situation like this is to shut it down.
Another source of discomfort is being in the presence of someone who is distressed. More uncomfortable feeling to shut down.
The tendency is to tell the person to look on the bright side. As if that bright side is the solution to all the pain of grief.
These “fix” it bright side shutdowns include comments like:
• He is in a better place.
• You can always have another child.
• So good you are able to remain together.
• He wouldn’t have wanted to suffer.
It is better to say “I don’t know what to say, but I care and I want to be here for you.”
The Funeral May Be Over But The Grief Is Not
Rushing people to “be over” their grief is incredibly unhelpful and also very ignorant.
Just because the funeral is over does not mean the person is “over” the death. You never get over someone’s death. You learn to live with it, to accept it has happened, but the pain never goes away.
This leads me to my next point. No two grief journey’s are the same.
Don’t Compare
You may have been bereaved yourself. Or you may have other friends who have been bereaved.
It is important to remember that no two people grieve the same and no two bereavements lead to the same grieving.
This means that every one you encounter will grieve differently, even if it is for the same person. It also means that if someone you know has different bereavements they will grieve differently for each one.
One of the ways comparison manifests is to tell your own story to the bereaved person.
It is an easy trap to fall into.
You are not necessarily deliberately comparing, but that is what is amounts to.
My story of the friend grieving her dead dog is a case of inadvertent comparison.
Subtitle The Golden Rule – Never Bring Your Own Experience In Unless You Are Asked.
For the grieving person, your telling your own story is deflecting their pain that they just trusted you enough to share with you, and making it about you.
That may not have been your intent, but that is what happens.
Just acknowledging the other person’s feelings and how difficult it is gives more support than trying to tell your own story.
The Concept of Ring Theory
This is a concept that was developed by psychologists Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.
The grieving person is in the centre of a circle composed of rings.
The next ring outside that person is their closest people, usually a partner. The next ring is family and close friends, then less close friends, acquaintances, and people they don’t know but may come across.
The person in the centre can say anything to those in the circles around them. They can say how sad they are, express frustration, anger, desolation.
The people in the other rings can only offer comfort inwards. That means they can comfort anyone in the rings inside their own, especially the grieving person.
If a person wants to express their own feelings and ask questions, they can only do that to those in rings outside their own.
Support can only be offered to those in rings inside your own.
In other words Support goes in and expressing your own issues goes out.
This is really helpful to remember when interacting with a grieving person.
Don’t Judge
No matter how the person died, no matter what sort of person they were, don’t judge them to those who are grieving them.
This happens often with death by suicide, or accidents where the person was drunk or under the influence of drugs.
It doesn’t matter how the person died. What matters is that those who loved them are hurting. What matters also is that this person, who was full of life, is now dead.
Life is precious and the loss of life is the loss of something very precious. Never forget that when you encounter deaths such as that.
Always Say Their Name Where Culturally Appropriate
It can be hard to talk about someone who has died.
For you this may be painful.
It can also feel uncomfortable to say their name.
You may be afraid of hurting the person who is grieving.
From my experience of grief, and that of friends, it means so much more to hear their name mentioned. To have people talk about them and the things they did.
Don’t be frightened to mention them by name and talk about them. You can always check in first if it is okay to do that.
Be mindful that in some cultures you don’t mention the dead one’s name.
No Empty Platitudes
I have already mentioned empty platitudes. The ones like “They are in a better place”, “You can always have another one” and so on.
When you first learn of someone’s death it is okay to say how sorry you are. Initially, that is all the grieving person is able to cope with.
In time however, if they start talking about their loved one don’t be afraid to say more.
If you are unsure what to say you may tell them you don’t know how to talk about this, that you don’t want to hurt them, that you want them to tell you if you get it wrong. Then listen.
No Seeking More Detail Or Sensationalising The Situation.
It is better not to ask how the person died, or details of how they died if you know the cause of death.
When I counsel grieving people I don’t necessarily seek to know how their loved one died unless it is important. Even then I ask if they mind telling me about their death.
You don’t need to know all the details.
For the grieving person, rehashing the details can be very painful.
People usually know when you have asked out of curiosity or because you care.
To be asked out of curiosity is incredibly painful and isolating.
One thing that is often overlooked is how traumatic it is to be bereaved. When you are with someone who is grieving you need to remember there is the pain of grief and the trauma of their death. Both need to be processed and healed.
Summary
Be careful to use empathy when supporting those who are grieving.
Be mindful of what you are thinking and what you want to say. Ask yourself before saying anything if it is helpful for the grieving person. If it isn’t then don’t say it.
Don’t seek extra information unless they are offering it to you. Sometimes people want to talk about the death, other times not.
Allow space and time for grief to play out.
Remember Ring Theory, offer comfort to those in circles inside your own circle.
If you find someone else’s grief brings up pain for you then seek counselling.
If you are grieving yourself and need help, then seek counselling.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your own grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
