Trauma That Impacts On Your Mental Health

Trauma is something that seriously impacts you to the point that when in the traumatic situation you were worried about your safety, that of others or those around you. You may even experience potential loss of life or potential severe injury. These events permanently alter your perception of safety.

Trauma can be any disturbing experience. The trauma aspect is that you experience significant fear, feelings of helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings that are intense enough to continue over a period of time to have a negative impact on your attitudes, behaviour and other aspects of normal functioning.

When you feel you are in, or about to go into a, threatening situation you develop intense feelings of fear and anger. Other indicators that you are experiencing a perceived threat include shifts in attention, shifts in perception and changes in emotion. These feelings are caused by your brain going into a “fight or flight response.”

How Trauma Shows Up For You

Trauma can manifest itself in various ways. Some people can experience depression and intense sadness. Others may feel helpless and powerless.

One of the most common impacts of trauma is hypervigilance. This is where you constantly scan your surroundings, communications with other people, even interactions out of the home for potential threats to your safety.

Hypervigilance is part of your fight or flight response. This constant scanning for danger.

When you are in a hypervigilant state you will be anxious and may experience sweating and elevated heart rate.

Intense Sadness

It is very common to experience intense sadness and disconnection after a traumatic event.

The event has challenged your sense of safety and often you feared harm or even death as the outcome.

Not surprisingly it can feel very unreal and disconnected after such an event. You have lost a sense of safety in your life and this is a loss that you need to adjust you.

Any loss is something to grieve. As I relate in my blogs on grief. That carries a lot of adjustments and takes time to incorporate the event into your future life.

Allow yourself time to experience that sadness. Allow all the feelings associated with that to be experienced.

If you are having trouble coping with those feelings, an appointment with a trauma trained counsellor is a good idea.

Hypervigilance.

When you have experienced a traumatic event you are going to be primed to watch out for a similar event. That is totally normal. It is how your brain works to protect you.

Having lost a sense of safety and trust in the safeness of your world, your brain is going to be working hard to ensure your safety.

This means constantly being on the lookout for danger.

You may well find yourself preoccupied with searching for safety when you need to attend to something or someone else.

A great example is my daughter’s dog. She is quite nervy. When she sees a threat (usually a larger dog) she freezes. She won’t even accept treats until the danger is passed. She loves treats so that shows how strong the fight flight response is. All focus is on safety and being ready to run or fight. There is no space in that response for eating or normal conversation.

Someone who is constantly hypervigilant finds it very hard focusing on their work and getting things done.

Helplessness

Many people feel they have no control over what happens to them.

When trauma is experienced in childhood that child is very disempowered and develops learned helplessness. Many people never grow out of that learned helplessness as they grow into adulthood.

One of the biggest tasks in treating trauma is to empower you to be able to develop a sense of being able to solve issues in life.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma healing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

The silent grief of infertility

Many girls grow into adulthood dreaming of that some day when they will have a child. For most, this dream becomes a reality. For some they decide they don’t want children. For others the timing is never right and that is a loss to deal with. For those that remain, there is the desire and opportunity to have a child and the torture that involves month after month of trying and not falling pregnant.

Infertility is a terrible loss.

There is such grief and pain at not having that which you most desire, a pregnancy and a baby at the end of it.

Trying to swallow the hurt when a friend happily announces that they are pregnant. You are happy for them but you wish it was you. And that hurts so much.

Then there is the nosy relative, friend, neighbour who asks you when you are going to start a family. You don’t want to tell them you are trying. That you want nothing more than a baby. That that pregnancy is just not happening.

This is a grief that doesn’t easily resolve. There is always the hope that maybe this month you will succeed. That this round of IVF will work. That dreams can come true.

Infertility is rarely openly discussed. It may be talked about in connection with IVF. But even those undertaking IVF rarely talk about it, not until after the baby.

It is a silent pain that goes on until all hope is gone and you then start the slow process of grieving for the baby you will never have.

Infertility impacts men as well

For men there is that dream of having a child as well. For a man whose partner is trying to fall pregnant this is also painful for them. Both want a child and that child is not happening.

It is important to include men in the pain of infertility as well.

A Poem About Infertility

Below is a poem about Infertility that says more than I can say in this blog:

Being thrilled when your friends and family are pregnant; but crumbling inside
By Elizabeth Wilfong

Infertility is
A void
An incompleteness
A feeling of failure
An incomplete family
Tears, so many tears
Living your life in two week increments
Buying the house with an extra bedroom, just in case
Peeing in cups and on sticks. So much pee. So many sticks
Squinting for that line. There’s never a line.
Doctors. Medical tests. Medical bills. Insurance fights.
Hoping that pimple is because of pregnancy hormones
Praying that your hormones are a mess because you’re pregnant – and not because you’re about to get your period
Being thrilled when your friends and family are pregnant; but crumbling inside
Pills and shots, sometimes. A lot of times
Being sad. So sad. Even though what you really have is so much love that is saved up for a little human.
“Does your son want a sibling?”
“When are you going to start your family?”
Redefining your understanding of family
Feeling bad that you want more than what you have
If you have a child, not wanting them to think they aren’t enough. They are. But, you have this love to give
Saving nursery ideas, just in case
That glass or two or three of wine after a negative test
So many negative tests
Wondering if your dreams have an expiration date
Names that go unused
Hand me downs that never get handed down
Why is this silent?

Can I Help?


If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Grief Can’t Be Hurried Along

A few years I met a young woman in her mid 20s. I will call her Anna.

Anna came to see me after her mother’s death.

Journalling Her Experience

Anna was very articulate and used to writing. So she journalled her experiences with grief.

Initially she explored the unique language and texture of grief.

She realised the sorrow she felt was unique and was an experience unlike any other she had ever encountered.

Ways To Cope Are Not Always Helpful

To cope with what she was experiencing she increased her alcohol intake and frantically researched everything she could find on death, bereavement, loss of a parent and so on. Actually, anything she could find about death she feverishly read.

She learned about Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s now outdated stages of grief. She learned about the physical symptoms of grief, she learned about what happens in the brain when someone you love dies. She read of the myriad ways people found to manage their grief.

Grief Can’t Be Forced To Go Away

Anna felt that information she found gave her mastery over her grief. That she could control it and nicely slot it away where it wouldn’t bother her again.

The one thing she wanted to avoid was the disempowering crying, the feeling of numbness, the sorrow that overwhelmed everything. Anything that did not leave her feeling joyful she shoved into the background, behind the locked door with the “never to be opened” sign on it.

She believed she was at peace and was moving on.

Reality Always Comes Back To Bite You

Then she ran into an old friend who was in a distraught state. He told her that his mother had died a few weeks earlier. He was struggling to get out of the house and today was his first time out. He was struggling and just wanted to get back to the safely of home.

This really hit her hard and she had to rush to the safety of home where she could cry despairingly and lock herself away from the world.

She realised she was not over her grief.

The Faulty Belief You Should Be Over Your Grief After The Funeral

But she believed she should be. All the research she had done, all the people who offered her platitudes over the grief said she should be bouncing back now.

She felt deep shame that she wasn’t over it. “There must be something wrong with me, I must be mentally ill, I will never get over this.” Try as she might she could not force the grief away, it just amplified.

Learning The Reality Of Living With Grief

When she came to see me I was able to teach her what her research had missed. The reality of living with grief. The science around the latest research.

She learned that Grief cannot be told what to do. That grief won’t go away just because you want it to.

She learned that roaring at Grief led to Grief roaring back.

And she learned that no amount of alcohol would make it go away or make it feel better.

Make Grief Your Friend

Anna learned she had to befriend grief and allow it to guide her, gently, through the darkness and confusion until she had learned how to continue life with grief there as a companion.

She learned not to fight grief, but rather to allow it to lead her, to submit to it

She learned to accept the reminder in grief of the unknowningness and uncertainty of life. That these things are terrifying. That we cope with them by telling ourselves that life is organised and we know what is going to happen next.

Until the unexpected happens.

Grief Is A Burden You Learn To Carry

In the end Anna decided to see her grief as a heavy burden that she planned in time to lift high above her head and celebrate life amongst loss. She decided to see grief as a privilege that belongs to those who have loved and lost.

She acknowledged that grief would now be her constant companion. That each new loss would add to that companion and she would have to learn again how to lift grief high above her head.

She learned to accept the uncertainty of life and to be okay with that.

She realised grief will take as long as it needs before you can learn to carry it moving forward in life. And she was okay with that.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

R U OK Day: Financial Stress and Retirement

Financial Stress

There is stigma around Financial Issues.

For more years than I want to remember my little family struggled financially. There were many times when one of my children was sick and I had to raid moneyboxes and search through pockets to find the money to pay the gap fee from the doctor. And when it came to affording medicines! Well sometimes I couldn’t.

I became very creative at making meals out of few ingredients. I don’t think my children were ever aware of how much we struggled financially.

It is stressful to wonder where the money for the next meal, rent or home loan payment will come from. Stressful to have a sick child or be sick yourself and not have the money to pay the gap fee at the doctor or to pay for any medicines prescribed. It is stressful worrying about major issues that may arise where you need to find the money to pay for them. Even a flat tyre can push you over the edge financially.

Being judged by others as “not being good with money” or “wasting your money” is really hard. Especially when you are actually being very good at managing your money, there just isn’t enough of it.

Talking about your problems often allows you to receive empathy and understanding from friends. Being understood rather than judged won’t solve your problems, but it will make them easier to bear. Your friend is probably not going to be able to solve your problems but their understanding and support is really beneficial.

Others can help in different ways:

• Sometimes other people may know of places you can get help with food and urgent needs.

• Many people have found that talking to someone about your problems often allows you to discover solutions to your problem.

How Do I Know There Is Financial Stress?

You may notice signs of your stress or you may notice them in others.

Emotionally you may notice:

• Increased anxiety

• Mood swings

• Irritability

• Depression

• Feeling overwhelmed or helpless.

Physically you may notice:

• Headaches

• Muscle tension

• Gastrointestinal issues

• Chronically fatigued

Behaviourally you may notice:

• Changes in spending habits, such as excessive frugality or impulsive spending

• Avoidance of social activities due to costs

• Neglecting personal relationships

• Decline in work performance

• Reluctance to answer the door, check mail or answer the telephone due to fear of bills and debt collectors.

If I Think A Friend Is Experiencing Financial Stress How Do I Help Them?

Remember it is usual for people to keep financial issues private and there is a lot of shame around struggling financially. Keeping this to yourself is isolating and disempowering.

If you think a friend needs support remember that you approach them with empathy and make sure you don’t judge them.

Let them know you understand how difficult this all is.

Choose your time to talk. You need to find somewhere that is private and relaxed.

It is best to not assume you know what the problem is. Maybe you can notice they have seemed a bit stressed lately and you just wanted to check in. What’s going on for them? Is there anything they would like to talk about?

If your friend says no, then respect that. Let them know you are there if they need to talk and leave it at that.

If your friend talks, listen with the aim of hearing what they are saying. Remember you are not here to problem solve, just listen and support. Every so often it is helpful to summarise what they are saying to check in you are understanding them okay. This also shows you are listening.

Remember that their voice should be heard more than yours.

Remember to acknowledge that financial stress is a common issue and it is normal and perfectly okay to feel overwhelmed.

Respect their boundaries. Don’t push for information they are not willing to give.

Reassure seeking help is what strong people do.

If you are able to offer practical support, such as assistance with working out a budget and how to approach debtors to work out payment plans, then offer this support. Respect their response – they may say no.

Referral Agencies

Encourage them to see a financial counsellor for their finances. The National Debt Helpline can offer free and confidential advice. The MoneySmart website is run by ASIC and offers advice and tools for managing money and dealing with debt.

If your friend is working their Employee Assistance Program may be a source of a small number of counselling sessions.

Community Organisations such as The Salvation Army and St Vincent de Paul offer many programs and can on occasion offer emergency financial aid.

Beyond Blue and Lifeline Australia can provide counselling and mental health support.

It is also important to assist your friend to approach Centrelink to see if they can get help there. Support them around this as they may not be able to get support.

If they need support with managing their stress they may benefit from seeing a counsellor. You may be able to help them find someone who can help them.

Remember that it is vital to offer emotional support regularly and to check in on how they are.

Retirement

Many people find their job defines who they are and gives them their life purpose. Retirement ends this.

One of the challenges with retirement is finding a purpose in life that doesn’t stretch you financially.

Many people find they are invisible once they retire. As they get older friends die and the circle of friends reduces. They are also cut off from the people they once worked with. This means the world becomes a lot smaller and often lonelier.

Some people plan to retire and they often do better. Others have retirement decisions made for them. That often means financially they are not ready to retire.

Finding people to listen to you is important.

Financial Stress in Retirement

These days many people retire with more debt than previous generations. This can make it harder to manage.

It is even harder if you are trying to manage on an aged pension.

Whether you have some superannuation or rely on the aged pension, you are going to need help with financial planning. The resources listed above under Financial Stress are useful ones to turn to for financial planning in your retirement.

Supporting Retirees

Not everyone who retires planned their retirement or is happy with their retirement.

No matter whether it was planned or not, retirement is a massive transition.

The pandemic caused a lot of people to retire earlier than they planned. This has meant that they were not ready emotionally or financially for retirement. That makes the transition even harder.

Lost life purpose is more likely to happen when retirement is unplanned.

Asking people how they are managing retirement can be helpful. Don’t drop contact with someone because they are retired, they are likely to need your support more than ever and may appreciate your care.

Retirement Is A Loss And That Means Grief

It is helpful to remember that retirement involves grieving for the life that has gone. Even if you are happy to have retired, there are still losses and changes that must be adjusted to.

Be patient. Allow time to adjust. Expect there to be days when you feel sad and even depressed.

Seek help from others. See a counsellor. Don’t pretend everything is wonderful if it isn’t.

If you are supporting someone who is retired, be willing to listen. Remember, the person you are seeking to support just wants to be heard, not problem solved.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to feel okay, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Honour The One You Lost By What You Do

Every so often I write a blog based on a real client. When I do this it is either at their request or with their permission. I always change details to protect the person’s privacy.

This blog is from a mother who wanted to share her story because she wants to help others who lose a child. In this blog she is called Mary.

Mary’s Story

Mary had a son, Brad. He was an amazing boy. He loved telling funny stories at the dinner table and would have the entire family laughing at his stories. He was happy and sunny and people loved him.

He always wanted to be a chef and managed to complete his studies, getting a full time job in a busy restaurant.

Brad’s Difficult Life

Life was not easy for Brad. He struggled with old injuries that caused pain when he was standing in the kitchen working. He became addicted to heroin, it eased his pain and helped him cope with work in the kitchen.

Over time the heroin became such a large part of his life that it impacted on his work. He went to rehab, was doing well, then relapsed and exited the program. After some time he again tried rehab. Sadly that too failed.

The Day Brad Died

The day he died he was living with his mother and was out in the garden planning to work on an area of the garden.

He went inside to get ready and apparently decided to take a dose of heroin before starting.

His mother found him in the bathroom. An additive in the heroin had killed him.

Losing your child is hard and losing them in this way is even harder.

Being Plunged Into Darkness And Numbness

Mary has been forever tortured by the vision of her son lying on the bathroom floor, dead.

Brad’s death plunged Mary into a deep darkness. She felt she was dying too.

She went through the numbness and difficulty comprehending his death as real.

She had days where she cried and cried, and days when she didn’t get out of bed.

She felt terribly guilty and was full of what ifs. What if I had gone inside sooner? What if I had realised he was still using and sent him back to rehab? What did I do to lead to his addiction (as if it was her fault!)?

She felt lost in the darkness.

I Need Help

Then came a day she realised she needed to do something. She came to see me. Together we picked up the pieces of her shattered life.

In time Mary found a purpose in her new “Brad is dead” life. She realised she would never overcome her grief. She would just learn how to live with it.

How Mary Formed Her New Life

As part of her new life she took the following actions:

• She decided that every year on the anniversary of his death she would visit the location where his ashes were released.

• She also planted a garden in her backyard in honour of Brad. It followed the design he had suggested for the garden he was working on the day he died. Each year on his birthday she adds something to the garden. Lovely bamboo wind chimes, a small statue, a pond and so on.

• She also decided to support the rehab unit he had attended and has instituted measures to fund-raise for the unit.

• As Brad had spent some time homeless during the years of his addiction, Mary also works with a homeless charity, handing out packs of toiletries and food items.

• She also joined a charity that supports the families bereaved by drug addiction

Mary’s Summation

At her final session Mary told me that she still cries on occasion. But these days the tears are what she calls good tears.

Mary showed me a clip on YouTube by actor Billy Bob Thornton who lost his younger brother when he was young. His brother died suddenly from an undiagnosed heart problem.

Years later Billy Bob Thornton says his life is 50% happy and 50% sad. He is okay with that because the melancholy is his way of honouring his brother, so he doesn’t forget him.
Billy Bob Thornton doesn’t trust happiness anymore but he is okay with that. He states in the clip that it is important to embrace that you never get over the death of a loved one. He sees the only alternative is to forget his brother and he doesn’t want to do that. He feels it is important to honour the one you lost by what you do. Be it work, sponsoring, walking, fund raising, raising a family, or writing a song. Let the rest of your life honour the one you lost.

Mary thought that was a wonderful summary of what she had discovered.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

The Importance of Reading to Your Child About Death

Did you know that the fairy tales, in their gory original form date back a number of centuries to the time when people lived in isolated communities in a time before telephone, radio, television and other technology was developed.

In those far off days storytellers travelled from town to town and people took them in so that they could hear stories. When the storyteller stayed in the house the entire household would sit around the fire to hear the stories the storyteller told.

Old Fairy Tales Were Not Sanitised

These stories were not sanitised Disney Style stories. They were like the real Brothers Grimm stories. Full of darkness, death, murder, ghosts, evil beings and abandonment. The children in the family would sit, cuddled in someone’s lap and hear these stories.

Yes the stories were frightening, but the children always had a secure, safe adult there to help them process it. These stories taught them about scary things they would likely encounter in life. But they taught them in a safe way.

Fairy Tales Prepared Children For Future Living

When the children were older and did encounter scary things, they knew they were okay because the scary things were linked to older hearing of stories and the experience of facing those things with a safe adult there.

These children, sitting in a comforting adult lap were co-regulating with the adult. Co-regulation is how children learn to self regulate. Co regulation is how children learn to deal effectively and resiliently with the scary things of life.

Invisible Death

In this world where death is hidden in hospitals and rarely happens in the community there is a need for children to learn about death in a safe space. Just as children in centuries gone by learned about scary things in the supportive lap of an adult.

I have listed in a previous blog some books that are good to read to/with children on the death of their pet. This is the link to that blog: How You And Your Child Can Say Goodbye To A Much Loved Pet – PLC Blog (plentifullifecounselling.com.au).

The Value of Reading Books About Death To Your Child

Reading books that feature grief and death are very helpful in equipping your child with skills to navigate such an emotional and dysregulating time.

Young children respond better to stories in books than conversations. There is a risk if you start talking to children that you can overload them with information. But do remember it is important to be truthful. If your child asks a question about death, answer as truthfully and age appropriately as you can.

Some Popular Books On Grief

Many people I know tell me they read Charlotte’s Web, or saw the original cartoon. This is probably suitable for a child around the age of 8.

Another book, that has also been made into a movie, is Bridge to Terabithia. That is more suitable for a child around the age of 10. If you don’t know the story, it deals with the death of a girl who drowns. It is challenging for children to be introduced to the concept of someone their age dying, but it is most likely a child that age has also realised they will die someday. With the support of an adult this book can be well managed.

You Can’t Shield Your Child From Death

You may balk at the idea of introducing your child to the concept of death but you need to. Death happens to all ages, often randomly and without warning.

You can’t shield your child from death.

Your child is going to meet people who have lost a parent or sibling, they are going to lose their own grandparents. They may even have pets, which means they will die as well.

Teaching Your Child How To Survive Grief

If you approach death in a sensitive but matter of fact way your child will learn that death is hard, but survivable. It is a child’s earliest experiences of death that govern how they will respond to death in their life.

The better you model healthy grieving and discussions around death, the better you child will manage when they face grief in life.

Death can be explored in books through humour, fantasy, ghost stories and particularly realism. The advantage of a book is that a child can read it and take away what they need at the time. Later they can read the book and take away more learnings. It is about what they can manage at the time.

Books Safely Teach About The Unpleasant Truths of Life

The old fairy stories contained many unpleasant truths. It was important then and it is important now for us to allow our children to learn of the existence of these unpleasant truths.

Just as centuries ago children listened to stories about hard things while held safe by a loving, safe adult, so children today can listen to stories about hard things and be held safe by a loving safe adult.

Books Offer A Different Reality

Books are places where a child can leave their reality and glimpse at another reality. Books can be an escape. They can be a place to learn. They can also be places where laughter and even sadness can be experienced. And they do this in a safe way.

If you child is in the position of grieving remember it is hard for a child to lose someone, especially a parent. Many children find it hard to manage. Everyone talks about their parents, and they are missing one. Some children won’t tell people their parent has died because they don’t want to be known as the child whose parent died.

Learning About Death In Safety

Giving your child the opportunity to learn about death while being held safely by you is vital.

If you find yourself struggling because of past grief to teach your child then counselling to process those residual feelings can be helpful.

Some Books You May Find Useful

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
My Many Coloured Days by Dr Seuss
Tear Soup Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen
The Sound of the Sea by Jacqueline Harvey and Warren Crossett
It’s Just Different Now by Linda Espie
Why My Mummy? By Donna Penny

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your own grief difficulties or those of your children, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

You May Want It To Be But There Are No Stages To Grief

I understand the persistence of this belief. I remember Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model of the emotional journey of the dying being applied to grief and taught everywhere that this was what grief looked like.

I remember people 30 years later telling me I was in this stage or that stage when my mother died. All of it was rubbish. But I didn’t know that then.

20 odd years later I still have people enter my consulting room convinced that there is something wrong with them because they are still in pain and the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance formula just isn’t working.

The Truth About Grief

The reality is that grief is different for everyone. There may be some similarities in emotions experienced by some people, but there is no formula to work through.

The biggest learning in grief is to be okay with the pain you experience. To be able to learn to be okay with those times when you can’t disguise your pain and you feel embarrassed because “you are not supposed to feel that way”.

Grief is painful. And it is messy. You are unlikely to experience anything worse than this in your lifetime.

What The Experts Have Discovered

Grief never ends. It stays with you for the rest of your life. What happens is that you learn how to live with that pain, how to grow your life around it.

The metaphor of you being a passenger on your grief vehicle is a good one. This vehicle continues down the road and never stops. There is no timetable, destination and no end point.

Grief Is Not The Enemy

It is important to realise grief is not your enemy. It is the understandable and very normal reaction to the loss of something or someone in your life that you were deeply connected to.

Grief is your reaction to the loss of that attachment in your life and of its importance to you.

The Social And Not Social Aspects of Grief

There will be days when you crave human contact.

And there will be days when that is the last thing you want.

There will be days when close friends are what you want. And at those times you may want to talk about what you have lost and share your memories.

On those days you seek understanding Not Fixing.

You just want to be heard, and that may entail being heard again and again.

You Will Use Subconscious Strategies To Cope With Your Emotions

People have different strategies to help them cope.

Some will keep busy working, performing tasks, doing hobbies.

Others will seek the support and comfort of others experiencing grief.

Supporting the first person may involve helping them find tasks that bring fulfilment.

The second person may benefit from receiving support to attend a grief group.

The Solitary Path of Grief

No matter how you grieve you will find it is a solitary path with you the only one on that path. People who’s grief overlaps with yours may walk with you for a while where your grieving style overlaps, but will eventually walk on another path.

Others may accompany you for a while. Friends and others who can offer support. In time your journey may take you along more frequented routes where you can share your path with many other people. This is how grief works its way into being part of your life. It never goes, but it gets easier.

In short, Grief is a journey, not some destination at the end of several stages.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Grief Is A Change You Didn’t Want

Heartbreak is there in grief.

This is because when a person you love dies you are heartbroken.

When a person you love leaves you and rejects you and continues to reject you, then you are heartbroken.

Which pain is worse?

The worst pain is the pain you are experiencing.

Heartbreak

Heartbreak is always present in grief. It is heartbreak at the loss of the future with that person, whether they are alive or dead. Now you must face a future you did not plan and may not even like.

Heartbreak can occur through other life events. Losing a job, not getting the job you really wanted, not getting into the university course you wanted, not getting the marks in an exam you wanted, losing out on the house you wanted to buy, losing the house you can no longer afford to pay the loan on, your car being stolen, your house broken into, the end of a relationship, losing your pet, losing your country.

The really important thing to remember is your pain is always worse for you. There is no comparison. Just because someone else is hurting, it doesn’t mean their pain is worse. Comparisons just can’t be made when it comes to grief.

Heartbreak is not logical

It is always important to remember that the act of making a comparison is one that uses your mind. But when you are heartbroken and suffering grief, those are emotions you are feeling. They are not logical, they are not of the mind. They are the emotions of heartbreak.

Be careful, because grief that isn’t attended to doesn’t just go away. It stays there, unattended, and trips you up when something reminds you of it.

Questions to ask yourself

Ask yourself the question. What heartbreak, what grief, what disappointments in your life have you not attended to?

Once you have the answer ask yourself. Why don’t you attend to it?

The answer is most likely that it is difficult, painful even, to confront that pain.

It is so easy to run from pain. Pain hurts.

The realness of emotional pain

Did you know that physical pain and emotional pain are registered in the same part of the brain?

All these years people’s emotional pain has been dismissed as being nothing, yet it is as painful as physical pain.

The metaphor of the Buffalo

Grief expert David Kessler uses the metaphor of a buffalo turning to face a storm and walk into it. The buffalo knows it will get through the storm faster if it does this. But humans try to stay away from the storm. They try to keep a metre or so away. This way they remain in the storm a long time.

Instead of facing the storm, humans stay close to it and try to numb themselves, try to move away, but not far away, or try to avoid any triggering memories. Humans may even run away.

Substituting One Emotion For Another

One way of avoiding the storm is to go to another emotion that feels more comfortable.

What emotions might that be?

The most common one to go after is anger.

If you explore what is under your anger you will often find it is sadness, grief or fear.

There is a very real fear that once you give in to the pain of grief you will never be able to stop crying.

But you will stop crying in time.

Self Compassion Is The Best Treatment

When you allow yourself to enter the storm and feel your emotions deeply. When you allow yourself to engage with the emotions, then you are caring for yourself. You are showing up for yourself. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions is the way you can be there for you. It is an opportunity to show self compassion.

Self compassion only works if you pay attention to your emotions.

To show self compassion you have to be able to accept that this horrible thing happened. You have to be allowed to feel sorry for yourself, for the pain you are experiencing and have experienced.

Our society tells us it is wrong to feel sorry for yourself. But that is wrong. It is not wrong to feel sorry for yourself. It is not wrong to feel for what you have been through. To acknowledge that what you have been through was horrible.

When others try to shut you down over this it is because they feel uncomfortable and don’t want to be exposed to that discomfort.

Beware The Failure To Own Your Problems

Refusing to be accountable for what you have done in your life and refusing to own your problems causes difficulties around feeling sorry for yourself.

If you feel sorry for yourself and get stuck in that place, constantly seeking those who will affirm your pain but never doing anything to get out of that pain, then you are failing to understand your own problems and find ways to resolve them.

The Importance of Being Seen

It is important to feel seen, to have your pain acknowledged. But sometimes you are the one who is going to see you, who will acknowledge your pain.

Being seen is empowering. Seeing yourself is as empowering as being seen by someone else.

Tara Brach PhD, a leading western teacher of Buddhist meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening, talks about the importance of putting your hand over your heart centre and saying “Ouch, that hurts” as a way to acknowledge the pain you are feeling and give yourself self compassion. Try it sometime, you will most likely find it helps a lot.

In Summary

The worst abandonment is when you abandon yourself

In your pain do not fail to acknowledge to yourself the pain you are in.

Don’t fail to show compassion to yourself.

Stop judging yourself, shaming yourself, criticising yourself, telling yourself you are bad or unworthy, failing to defend yourself.

Make sure you recognise your own pain. Remember “Ouch it hurts” is very important.

Sit with your pain and acknowledge it. Comfort yourself.

Advice To The Recently Bereaved

I often have recently bereaved people visit me. Their bereavement is so recent they haven’t even had the funeral yet. One of the things I tell them in that first session is to be kind to themselves, to be okay to not look after other people at the funeral. To let others care for them. To absent themselves from the post funeral get together if they need to. To cry, be unstable, not want to talk, not want to socialise, not look after others are all permissible and necessary self care actions.

Grief Forces Change

I model for the recently bereaved how to speak kindly to yourself, how to be caring and compassionate to yourself, how to be there for yourself.

It is scary to be placed in the position where you have to grow and change. But grief puts you there and there is only one way out and that is to walk through the storm.

You are going to have to learn the new way to be. You will not know it immediately, but you will learn over time and self compassion is your best ally in this learning.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and heartbreak please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

5 Actions to Help Process Your Grief

If you have been following my blogs for any length of time, you will have read that there is no right way to process your grief.

All people grieve differently. Yes, there are similarities in people’s experiences and I often write about them, but you still grieve differently to other people.

What To Do To Help Process Your Grief

Despite their being no right way to grieve, there are 5 things that are important to do to assist you with your grieving.

  1. Name and feel your loss
    It is important that you acknowledge your loss. You do this my naming it. After naming it you acknowledge it by allowing yourself to feel any emotions that come up because of that grief.
    Be aware that, particularly in the early time of grief, you may not have any feelings. Feelings will come in time.
    When they do, name them and allow yourself to experience them, even if that means you “fall apart”.
  2. Seek the support of others
    This is important. Friends and family can be a great support at this time. If you don’t have friends and family able to support you then a grief counselling can be helpful to engage with.
    At some point in your grief, you may find it helpful to join a group of people who are grieving.
  3. Don’t bottle up your emotions, allow yourself to express them.
    There are many ways you can express your emotions. These include:
    *Talking to others
    *Writing
    *Art – painting, drawing, collage, clay work and so on
    *Journalling
    *Finding activities that help give meaning to your grief
  4. Look after yourself
    You must give self care a high priority. If you don’t look after yourself, you will not be able to care for others. So make self care a priority – you deserve it.
    Self care includes getting adequate rest, eating nutritionally balanced food, exercise, taking time out to go out with friends if you want, or to spend time alone. Having a massage may be your go to for self care. Or you may want to go fishing, watch a movie, walk in the park.
    There are myriad ways to care for you.
    Remember also that some says will be harder than others. When that happens, don’t despair, there will be good days too. In the meantime, give yourself extra care on those bad days.
  5. Be patient
    Grief is not something you get over in a matter of days. It takes time to grieve. A lot of time. Don’t be hard on yourself when things continue to upset you months or even years later. That is all perfectly normal.

A Final Action

One important thing I stress to people is that it is okay to be happy again. It is okay to have fun. It is okay to go out and enjoy yourself. It is okay for live to move on.

Moving on in life does not mean you did not love the one who your lost, you will always love and grieve for them, but you will do it as part of the life you continue to live.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with processing your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Grief is shattered glass

A metaphor I sometimes use with people who are grieving is one of a shattered glass vase.

The vase hits the floor and explodes into numerous pieces ranging in size from large to miniscule.

Cleaning Up The Glass

Picking up the pieces of glass is fraught with danger. If you are not careful you can cut yourself on the jagged pieces of glass.

When cleaning up the glass it is usual to pick up the larger pieces first. These are the easiest to see, the ones least likely to cut your fingers.

So you attend to those big pieces first.

Focusing On The Large Pieces of Grief

When grieving, it is the big aspects of grief that are attended to first. You get them safely out of the way and all seems good.

But grief is very like that exploded glass vase. There are smaller pieces. You think you have removed them safely from the floor, but there are ones that get missed. They are tiny and hard to see.

You often find the tiny pieces of glass when you tread on them. They cut and they hurt.

Just When You Think It Is Safe To Walk Barefooted…

That is the nature of grief. You think everything is going well, and then you suddenly find yourself cut and hurt by an aspect of that grief you had not seen coming.

Embracing The Negatives in Life

Last year I read a book “Night Vision” by Mariana Alessandri. She challenges us to see the negatives in life, not as something to be banned by toxic positivity, but as something to embrace and learn from. These feelings are what teach us about ourselves, our strengths and resilience and our humanity. It is these negatives that affirm our humanity and connection to others.

In Alessandri’s book she wrote that grief puts us in touch with the basic fact that surviving hurts. Such a moving and enlightening sentence! Surviving hurts. It is a fact, not something to run from.

Being A Survivor Hurts

Just as stepping on a tiny piece of glass from the shattered vase hurts, so does being the survivor of loss.

Living hurts.

Surviving hurts.

And that is normal and perfectly okay.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz