There is a children’s book called “The Huge Bag of Worries” by Virginia Ironside.
It is about a child who carries around a bag full of their worries. The worries are large, heavy rocks.
The child finds the bag increasingly difficult to carry around.
Eventually they are helped to take the rocks out of the bag and lighten its load.
Grief As A Permanent Bag of Rocks
I have seen that same analogy used for grief. I don’t know who first thought of this, but it is a good analogy.
This analogy has grief as a large bag that is filled with rocks. This bag is like a penance. You are given it and told you have to carry it for the rest of your life.
In this case you don’t want the bag. You resist getting the bag. You refuse to acknowledge and accept that bag.
But you get it anyway, and you can’t take it off.
It is heavy. Too much to bear.
You try to take it off, you are exhausted, upset, even angry that the bag is there, hampering you in everything you try to do.
It takes up so much room that there are places you can no longer go because you no longer fit there.
You find yourself having to think differently about where you can go and what you can do. You ask yourself if you have the stamina for this activity or task. You get tired and need to bow out of activities.
People notice your large bag and treat you differently.
Some people are sympathetic to your plight. They give you space and offer empathy.
Others feel uncomfortable about your large bag and avoid you.
Others have a large bag too and understand what you are going through.
Somewhere along the way you find the strength to manage the bag. You learn new skills for navigating the world. Sometimes the rocks bother you and you need to rest, or give yourself space. But other days they are just there and you can manage.
In time you may have a new grief and more rocks added to that bag. And the process of learning to carry the bag starts again.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
For most people the word Grief is all about death. Death is a major loss. But any loss is something that needs to be grieved. It can in a wide range of sometimes unexpected forms. When Grief is unconnected from death it can be hard to have the words to use to explain it.
Here are some comments people made on a recent loss page:
Retirement
“I have been a teacher all my life. When I retired it felt like death. That was so painful.”
The End Of A Friendship
“My best friend grew up with me. We knew everything about each other. Even things we never told our parents or our partners. Suddenly the friendship is over and I don’t know why. She just blocked me on everything. It hurts so much.”
Losing A Dream Job And Career
“I have played the clarinet since I was old enough to get my fingers to reach all the keys. I have studied in Europe and been involved in orchestras around the world. I came back to Australia and loved the orchestra I was employed to work in. It wasn’t a big orchestra, we mainly did community work. After all the excitement of performing around the world I felt I was able to give back some of the blessings I had been given. I was bursting to express the skills I had acquired over my lifetime. Suddenly the orchestra was reducing staff and I lost my job. After the shock and disbelief wore off I felt such anger, despair and devastation.”
Losing A Much Loved Pet
“My dog. She was my life. My grandmother gave her to me as a tiny puppy after my mother died. She was the one I could cry to and all she did was love me. I could hug her when things were tough and she would love me. She was beside me as I learned to live without my mother. She was beside me as I navigated those teenage years alone. She was beside me as I grew into adulthood and took those tentative steps to independence. She was by my side for 16 years. And then she wasn’t. No one understood how much she meant to me, how much I depended on her unconditional love and comfort. To them she was just a dog and I could get another.”
Losing A Child
“I was 16 and discovered I was pregnant. I wasn’t ready to have a child. I lived in a very strict fundamentalist Christian home. My parents were very angry and threw me out. I ended up living with a friend’s family. But I couldn’t have a baby there. It was enough they took me in. So I had an abortion. I knew I couldn’t keep the baby, but it still hurt losing it. I remember it on the day it would have been due and I remember it on the day I had the abortion. I look at children the age it would have been and wonder what it would have looked like. No one acknowledges the pain of abortion. The loss.”
“I miscarried my first child. I was 8 weeks and had just started to feel comfortable to allow myself to feel pregnant and dream about what the baby would be like. Then it was gone. People told me I could have another. That I hadn’t bonded with it. Seriously? I felt that baby. I bonded. Having another would never replace this one.”
The One You Love Being Changed By Illness
“My husband had a car accident. He had a head injury and was in a coma for 10 days. When he woke up he wasn’t the same person. He had a different personality. Gone was the spontaneous, fun-loving man I had fallen in love with. Instead there was this morose, rigid person who had to follow a strict schedule and wouldn’t deviate from that. It was heart breaking.”
Physical Restrictions After Illness/Accident
“When I broke my leg my life totally changed. I had more shattered it than broken it. I loved cycling and came off my bike. They tried for months to fix my leg but after 9 months and 7 surgeries it was obvious my leg couldn’t be saved. In the end it was an above knee amputation. It restricted so much of what I could do. Even a below knee amputation would have meant I could do more. But above the knee took so much away from me. I can’t ride a bike anymore. I have tried. My physical restrictions are devastating. I am so lost without the freedom of riding my bike, feeling the wind on my skin as I sped along the road. People just don’t get it.”
Losing Your Purpose In Life
“I am a single parent. My husband left when my son was a baby. I raised him all this time on my own. He is grown up now and has left home and recently married. My whole purpose for 25 years was raising my son. Now he doesn’t need me any more. I have lost my purpose. I am grieving over that and my family don’t understand that.”
Other Losses
There are more instances of loss that I haven’t mentioned here. Moving house, moving to a new state, a new country, having your house burgled or your car stolen, loving a precious possession, and loss of identity. These are just some examples of loss.
The reality is that everyone at some stage in life will lose something or something they love.
Disenfranchised Grief
Grief is little tolerated when there is a death, and it is even less tolerated in the loss of other things.
Grief takes on many forms and the type of grief I have mentioned here is considered to be disenfranchised grief. Grief that is not recognised as grief and therefore is not something that is generally considered acceptable to grieve.
There can be swirling emotions, confusion, devastation, numbness and more. The same emotions expressed when a loved one dies are present in other types of grief. And feeling those emotions is perfectly okay. You have lost something very important and your feelings are valid. Disenfranchisement robs you of the permission to grieve, to feel the pain of the loss.
The Importance Of Acknowledging Your Loss
It is important to acknowledge all losses. Loss is about something you used to have that you don’t have anymore. The losses mentioned are ones that are not openly or publicly acknowledged, but they should. Often if you express your grief at these losses you will get kick back from others. People who think you are overreacting, or being selfish “because others are genuinely suffering from the death of a loved one and you are upset over this insignificant little thing.” But it isn’t insignificant. It is harder to understand. In a way loss through death is simpler. It is something that people can understand.
The Pain Of Lack Of Understanding
It is that lack of understanding that often makes your loss harder.
For the people posting above the lack of understanding from their families and friends made coping with their loss much harder.
The Clarinet player found her family took the attitude that she could retrain and get another job. She found that hard. Playing the clarinet in the orchestra was her dream job. It was her passion. She didn’t have another passion. She likened their attitude to the people who say to the person who lost a baby “you can always have another one” or the person who loses a spouse “there are plenty of other people out there.” She felt that no one understood how devastating this loss was and how deeply she was hurting.
All Losses Should Be Grieved
For these losses there is a need to grieve. This is made harder by the lack of understanding of other people. Many people go through rituals to help them.
The woman who lost her friend had a painting the friend had done at a painting party. She painted over the canvas, adding layers and layers of paint when she felt the need. In time she covered the entire painting so that the original painting was hidden. She found painting over the canvas therapeutic. She felt she was burying that part of her life. As she has never found out why her friend decided to end the friendship it was really helpful for her to just close that part of her life off.
Other people burn things, maintain memory boxes, clear out things, find something symbolic of what was lost – something to comfort. The list is as individual as each person grieving.
It is important to remember that the pain will never completely go away. There will be varying degrees of pain involved.
Always remember that it is perfectly valid to seek grief counselling over these losses.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you grieve your losses, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Having been on my own grief journey many times, and listened to many people on their grief journeys, one thing that strikes me is the heartbreak of losing someone you love.
The loss may be due to death, a broken relationship, having to move somewhere new, losing a treasured object or any other event that results in loss.
I have always been aware of how little people know about grief and how unhelpful those people can be when you are grieving. But it was only when hearing Canadian writer Zoe Whittall be interviewed about a poetic memoir she wrote that the realisation dawned on me that one of the big issues is heartbreak.
Zoe feels in our Western culture there is a practice of not admitting the depth of loss for the individual. Loss is life changing and it can impact many years of your life.
She described that loss as not something that people relate in cold, hard facts but something related in deeply emotional experiences and feelings.
I pondered that for some time after hearing the interview. I realised she was right. The biggest thing for me with all the deaths and other losses I had mourned was the broken heart I was left trying to mend.
In our deeply analytical culture, with an emphasis on evidence based mental health, the acknowledgement of the depth of emotion involved in grief is often brushed aside.
Instead grief is pathologised and people who grieve for “too long” are considered to be mentally unwell. The reality is they are mending a broken heart and learning how to live again. And they are doing really well.
Sadly people feel uncomfortable when confronted with the heartbroken grief of another person. When people are uncomfortable their instinct is to shut the other person down. Hence the heartbroken are unsupported.
When putting her book together Zoe’s editor told her that “Heartache is a universal experience.”
That is so true. If you are heartbroken and grieving, draw comfort from the fact that others are heartbroken too. If you can, seek out those people so that you can feel safe to share your heartbreak, to feel heard.
• And if you are worried that maybe there is something wrong with you.
• Or you feel overwhelmed by the people around you telling you that you should be over it by now.
• Or if you can’t find others to share with and you need to be heard …
… then seeking grief counselling can be helpful.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your heartbroken grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In the past year a lot of my friends have lost their partners. Others have lost family members. Others have lost pets. Not a week has gone by without hearing of a death.
There have been a lot of funerals and a lot of tears.
There has also been resilience and healing.
With one friend whose dog had died I found myself falling into the trap of telling her about my own dog dying because I wanted to console her feeling of guilt at not having acted fast enough to end her dog’s suffering.
That was the wrong thing to do. I didn’t even get to the point of the story before she had quite rightly switched off.
Christmas brought communications from overseas friends and more notifications of deaths.
This got me thinking. Even the most grief trained and educated, when not in our formal roles, can slip up when supporting those who are grieving.
For this reason I decided my first blog of 2025 would be about things we need to remember when with someone who has been bereaved.
Be Mindful
One of the most important things to remember is to be mindful of what you are saying and thinking.
Maintaining awareness of what is happening for you and what you are hearing is very important.
Couple that awareness with questioning. In your mind be curious about your responses and whether they are for you, or the person who is bereaved.
My example of wanting to reassure my friend that she didn’t need to feel guilty about not acting fast enough to end her dog’s suffering is a good one here.
How could I word my reassurance in a way that met her needs? Not mine.
Why did I need to reassure her? Was it for her or because I needed the reassurance myself?
Did she need reassurance? This leads me to my next reminder.
Don’t Make Assumptions
Often when supporting another person you can draw on your own experience to decide what support they need. That is quite normal.
It is always important to be aware that what you needed in a similar situation is not necessarily what the other person needs now.
If the person tells you something, for example “I feel guilty I didn’t take my dog to the vet earlier” then it is okay to offer support around that.
If they didn’t say that but you think that might be how they are feeling then ask them. For example. “from what you are saying I was wondering if you felt guilty you didn’t take the dog to the vet earlier”. They can say yes or no. If yes then you may ask if they would like to talk about that.
Don’t rush in with fix it statements (see heading fix it).
Don’t Offer Sympathy.
Often a person’s story of grief is a big, distressing story. Sometimes it is a very traumatic story.
Don’t get caught up in the story and suffer with that person.
This is sympathy and it can lead to you being very unhelpful.
Instead offer empathy. Listen from a slight emotional distance. This is where mindfulness is important. Listen with that understanding that you are hearing the other person’s story but you are not part of it. This allows you to hear their pain but not immerse yourself in it as well where you are no help to them.
One of my lecturers described the difference between sympathy and empathy with the following analogy:
Do You Jump In The Hole or Put Down a Rope?
My lecturer described sympathy as encountering someone stuck in a hole.
You race to jump in the hole with them. Then you find you are stuck there too. Neither of you can get out.
For the person in the hole, they need to get out, not have someone else there too who they may have to care for as well.
Empathy is seeing the person in the hole and letting a rope down into the hole so they can climb out. You offer them the acknowledgement of their predicament and listen to them. Then you help them to climb out of that hole where they can be outside the hole with the security of someone who is caring and comforting but not drowning in their pain.
Don’t Try to ‘fix’ it
There are many reasons people try to “fix” another person’s grief.
One is that is how they learned as children, watching adults in their life offer platitudes or tell the bereaved person what they should do and how they should feel.
Another is that death is uncomfortable, as is distress. If you are sitting with someone who has been bereaved you are experiencing the shock of the death, the reality of death.
It is an uncomfortable feeling.
Most of us learn as children to run from discomfort or shut it down. And the response to an uncomfortable situation like this is to shut it down.
Another source of discomfort is being in the presence of someone who is distressed. More uncomfortable feeling to shut down.
The tendency is to tell the person to look on the bright side. As if that bright side is the solution to all the pain of grief.
These “fix” it bright side shutdowns include comments like:
• He is in a better place.
• You can always have another child.
• So good you are able to remain together.
• He wouldn’t have wanted to suffer.
It is better to say “I don’t know what to say, but I care and I want to be here for you.”
The Funeral May Be Over But The Grief Is Not
Rushing people to “be over” their grief is incredibly unhelpful and also very ignorant.
Just because the funeral is over does not mean the person is “over” the death. You never get over someone’s death. You learn to live with it, to accept it has happened, but the pain never goes away.
This leads me to my next point. No two grief journey’s are the same.
Don’t Compare
You may have been bereaved yourself. Or you may have other friends who have been bereaved.
It is important to remember that no two people grieve the same and no two bereavements lead to the same grieving.
This means that every one you encounter will grieve differently, even if it is for the same person. It also means that if someone you know has different bereavements they will grieve differently for each one.
One of the ways comparison manifests is to tell your own story to the bereaved person.
It is an easy trap to fall into.
You are not necessarily deliberately comparing, but that is what is amounts to.
My story of the friend grieving her dead dog is a case of inadvertent comparison.
Subtitle The Golden Rule – Never Bring Your Own Experience In Unless You Are Asked.
For the grieving person, your telling your own story is deflecting their pain that they just trusted you enough to share with you, and making it about you.
That may not have been your intent, but that is what happens.
Just acknowledging the other person’s feelings and how difficult it is gives more support than trying to tell your own story.
The Concept of Ring Theory
This is a concept that was developed by psychologists Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.
The grieving person is in the centre of a circle composed of rings.
The next ring outside that person is their closest people, usually a partner. The next ring is family and close friends, then less close friends, acquaintances, and people they don’t know but may come across.
The person in the centre can say anything to those in the circles around them. They can say how sad they are, express frustration, anger, desolation.
The people in the other rings can only offer comfort inwards. That means they can comfort anyone in the rings inside their own, especially the grieving person.
If a person wants to express their own feelings and ask questions, they can only do that to those in rings outside their own.
Support can only be offered to those in rings inside your own.
In other words Support goes in and expressing your own issues goes out.
This is really helpful to remember when interacting with a grieving person.
Don’t Judge
No matter how the person died, no matter what sort of person they were, don’t judge them to those who are grieving them.
This happens often with death by suicide, or accidents where the person was drunk or under the influence of drugs.
It doesn’t matter how the person died. What matters is that those who loved them are hurting. What matters also is that this person, who was full of life, is now dead.
Life is precious and the loss of life is the loss of something very precious. Never forget that when you encounter deaths such as that.
Always Say Their Name Where Culturally Appropriate
It can be hard to talk about someone who has died.
For you this may be painful.
It can also feel uncomfortable to say their name.
You may be afraid of hurting the person who is grieving.
From my experience of grief, and that of friends, it means so much more to hear their name mentioned. To have people talk about them and the things they did.
Don’t be frightened to mention them by name and talk about them. You can always check in first if it is okay to do that.
Be mindful that in some cultures you don’t mention the dead one’s name.
No Empty Platitudes
I have already mentioned empty platitudes. The ones like “They are in a better place”, “You can always have another one” and so on.
When you first learn of someone’s death it is okay to say how sorry you are. Initially, that is all the grieving person is able to cope with.
In time however, if they start talking about their loved one don’t be afraid to say more.
If you are unsure what to say you may tell them you don’t know how to talk about this, that you don’t want to hurt them, that you want them to tell you if you get it wrong. Then listen.
No Seeking More Detail Or Sensationalising The Situation.
It is better not to ask how the person died, or details of how they died if you know the cause of death.
When I counsel grieving people I don’t necessarily seek to know how their loved one died unless it is important. Even then I ask if they mind telling me about their death.
You don’t need to know all the details.
For the grieving person, rehashing the details can be very painful.
People usually know when you have asked out of curiosity or because you care.
To be asked out of curiosity is incredibly painful and isolating.
One thing that is often overlooked is how traumatic it is to be bereaved. When you are with someone who is grieving you need to remember there is the pain of grief and the trauma of their death. Both need to be processed and healed.
Summary
Be careful to use empathy when supporting those who are grieving.
Be mindful of what you are thinking and what you want to say. Ask yourself before saying anything if it is helpful for the grieving person. If it isn’t then don’t say it.
Don’t seek extra information unless they are offering it to you. Sometimes people want to talk about the death, other times not.
Allow space and time for grief to play out.
Remember Ring Theory, offer comfort to those in circles inside your own circle.
If you find someone else’s grief brings up pain for you then seek counselling.
If you are grieving yourself and need help, then seek counselling.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your own grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When you are grieving December can be so difficult. Everywhere and everything is Christmas.
Advertising, social media posts, the shops, friends with Christmas Parties and Christmas Greetings, Community events. Everywhere there is the suggestion of a joyous time with company, mostly family, and a great time to be experienced.
People are exhorted to be happy and any suggestion of not feeling happy or not wanting to celebrate is greeted with derision and suggestions of Bah Humbug.
When you are grieving, especially when this is the first Christmas since your loss, it can be so painful. So difficult to experience when your whole existence is crying out in pain.
Rubbing Salt Into The Wound
This time of year often carries the stab of pain at every reminder that you are missing someone in your world. The reminder that this Christmas will be without that person. It is like rubbing salt into the wound of your grief.
There may be pressure on you at this time of year to not express your sorrow. You may be told it is not fair to those who want to enjoy the season. But what is fair for you?
Mourning Is An Important Survival Strategy
Mourning is important at any time of year. It allows you to express your grief in ways that allow you to process it.
It is likely that the way to survive this time of year is to mourn. You may not want to be sad at a time you may previously have been very happy, but if sad is your current reality then sad it will be.
Here Are Things You Can Do To Help You Survive Christmas And The New Year.
Give yourself permission to grieve. Also give yourself permission to enjoy the day and have fun, even if only for brief periods of the day. You are not dishonouring the one you lost but experiencing moments of joy and happiness within your grief.
Acknowledge your grief and pain. This may involve doing something to honour the memory of the one you loved. Also vital is to be willing to be honest about what you need this Christmas.
You may not want to observe all the activities your family traditionally participated in.
You may not want to have a big Christmas as you usually do. You may want to be alone, or have only a few people around. Some people go on holidays so that they aren’t home. Other people always set a seat at the table for the one who is gone. The most important thing for you to do before making plans is to check in with yourself. How are you? Do you already have thoughts about what you want to do?
Make a plan Don’t wing it this year. Take the time to sit down and decide what will be best for you and your mourning. Research has shown that those who plan for important days cope with those days better than those who don’t plan. Making a plan doesn’t mean you will carry it out, but it gives you something to focus on. In your plan include the one you lost. Include their name, memories of them, stories about them. You may be in a group and openly talk about them or you may be alone reminiscing. If you are in a group organise with some in the group to back you up in case others in the group try to shut you down (usually due to their discomfort).
Have a Plan B as well as a Plan A. You may plan in advance to be with other people at the Christmas celebration. But closer to the day you may realise you can’t do it.
This is where Plan B comes in. Have a backup plan of what you will do if you can’t proceed with Plan A.
Plan B may involve plans to spend the day alone and how you will spend that day. It may involve going to the Plan A activity but leaving after a short while there. Plan B may also involve just cancelling Christmas and not doing anything to mark the day. If you do that remember that you will not be able to escape the reminders that it is Christmas and plan how you will manage that.
Whatever you decide, be okay with it. Let go of the need to honour traditions because not honouring them may impact on other people. Your needs need to be honoured.
If You Plan To Be With Others at Christmas Be Okay With That. Not everyone wants to be alone at Christmas. Some people draw comfort from the festivities, even if they are reminders of the one who is gone.
If you plan to be alone organise something you will do. This doesn’t mean you have to be ‘busy’ with solo activities. It just means you have a plan for how you will spend the day.
Create new traditions. You may want to visit the place their remains are interred. You may want to donate to a charity in their name. You may play a game or watch a movie they particularly loved. You may light a candle for them. You may set a place for them at the table. There are myriad ways you can acknowledge them. The only limit is your imagination.
Acknowledge that it is Christmas. You can also plan to pretend the day doesn’t exist when you get to it, but make sure it is planned. Be mindful that your inner experience is one of celebrating this time of year and ignoring it is often difficult. Will you be okay if your decision to ignore Christmas doesn’t work?
Have a support network. Your support network includes people who listen without judgement or giving advice.
How Do You Make Your Plan?
• Allow time to formulate your plan.
• First reflect on how you have celebrated Christmas in the past. Were there things done every year? Will they continue? How will you cope if they continue, or don’t continue?
• Make a list of those traditions.
• Decide what you want to do with those Christmas traditions.
• Make a list of those you want to participate in and why.
• Make a list of those you feel you just can’t face doing this year and why.
• Make another list of traditions you might observe and why.
• Writing down your reasons for continuing or pausing traditions helps you to clarify how you feel about them.
• Think of ways you can honour the one you are grieving both in things you already do at Christmas and in new ways. Do you want to honour this person with others or on your own?
• Give yourself permission to grieve and to cry. Also give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, to attend to your own needs.
A checklist to making a plan.
List what you normally do at this time of year. This includes things such as buying presents, sending Christmas cards, cooking food, visiting people, attending Christmas parties and so on.
Make another list of the things your family traditionally does at Christmas. This includes meeting for meals, visiting each other, going places, special traditions you follow, present giving and so on.
When you have made that list ask yourself ? Do I Feel Like Doing it? ? Can I skip it this year? Why or Why Not? ? Can someone else do this for me or help me? ? If I feel I need to do something Why do I need to do it? ? Can anything make a task or obligation easier? ? How can I bring the memory of the one I am grieving into these activities? ? What new traditions can I create to honour their memory and what they meant to me?
Following these guidelines will help you to understand what you need and want this year. Remember plans are not set in concrete. You can always choose not to follow them.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: https://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Trauma is something that seriously impacts you to the point that when in the traumatic situation you were worried about your safety, that of others or those around you. You may even experience potential loss of life or potential severe injury. These events permanently alter your perception of safety.
Trauma can be any disturbing experience. The trauma aspect is that you experience significant fear, feelings of helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings that are intense enough to continue over a period of time to have a negative impact on your attitudes, behaviour and other aspects of normal functioning.
When you feel you are in, or about to go into a, threatening situation you develop intense feelings of fear and anger. Other indicators that you are experiencing a perceived threat include shifts in attention, shifts in perception and changes in emotion. These feelings are caused by your brain going into a “fight or flight response.”
How Trauma Shows Up For You
Trauma can manifest itself in various ways. Some people can experience depression and intense sadness. Others may feel helpless and powerless.
One of the most common impacts of trauma is hypervigilance. This is where you constantly scan your surroundings, communications with other people, even interactions out of the home for potential threats to your safety.
Hypervigilance is part of your fight or flight response. This constant scanning for danger.
When you are in a hypervigilant state you will be anxious and may experience sweating and elevated heart rate.
Intense Sadness
It is very common to experience intense sadness and disconnection after a traumatic event.
The event has challenged your sense of safety and often you feared harm or even death as the outcome.
Not surprisingly it can feel very unreal and disconnected after such an event. You have lost a sense of safety in your life and this is a loss that you need to adjust you.
Any loss is something to grieve. As I relate in my blogs on grief. That carries a lot of adjustments and takes time to incorporate the event into your future life.
Allow yourself time to experience that sadness. Allow all the feelings associated with that to be experienced.
If you are having trouble coping with those feelings, an appointment with a trauma trained counsellor is a good idea.
Hypervigilance.
When you have experienced a traumatic event you are going to be primed to watch out for a similar event. That is totally normal. It is how your brain works to protect you.
Having lost a sense of safety and trust in the safeness of your world, your brain is going to be working hard to ensure your safety.
This means constantly being on the lookout for danger.
You may well find yourself preoccupied with searching for safety when you need to attend to something or someone else.
A great example is my daughter’s dog. She is quite nervy. When she sees a threat (usually a larger dog) she freezes. She won’t even accept treats until the danger is passed. She loves treats so that shows how strong the fight flight response is. All focus is on safety and being ready to run or fight. There is no space in that response for eating or normal conversation.
Someone who is constantly hypervigilant finds it very hard focusing on their work and getting things done.
Helplessness
Many people feel they have no control over what happens to them.
When trauma is experienced in childhood that child is very disempowered and develops learned helplessness. Many people never grow out of that learned helplessness as they grow into adulthood.
One of the biggest tasks in treating trauma is to empower you to be able to develop a sense of being able to solve issues in life.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma healing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
For more years than I want to remember my little family struggled financially. There were many times when one of my children was sick and I had to raid moneyboxes and search through pockets to find the money to pay the gap fee from the doctor. And when it came to affording medicines! Well sometimes I couldn’t.
I became very creative at making meals out of few ingredients. I don’t think my children were ever aware of how much we struggled financially.
It is stressful to wonder where the money for the next meal, rent or home loan payment will come from. Stressful to have a sick child or be sick yourself and not have the money to pay the gap fee at the doctor or to pay for any medicines prescribed. It is stressful worrying about major issues that may arise where you need to find the money to pay for them. Even a flat tyre can push you over the edge financially.
Being judged by others as “not being good with money” or “wasting your money” is really hard. Especially when you are actually being very good at managing your money, there just isn’t enough of it.
Talking about your problems often allows you to receive empathy and understanding from friends. Being understood rather than judged won’t solve your problems, but it will make them easier to bear. Your friend is probably not going to be able to solve your problems but their understanding and support is really beneficial.
Others can help in different ways:
• Sometimes other people may know of places you can get help with food and urgent needs.
• Many people have found that talking to someone about your problems often allows you to discover solutions to your problem.
How Do I Know There Is Financial Stress?
You may notice signs of your stress or you may notice them in others.
Emotionally you may notice:
• Increased anxiety
• Mood swings
• Irritability
• Depression
• Feeling overwhelmed or helpless.
Physically you may notice:
• Headaches
• Muscle tension
• Gastrointestinal issues
• Chronically fatigued
Behaviourally you may notice:
• Changes in spending habits, such as excessive frugality or impulsive spending
• Avoidance of social activities due to costs
• Neglecting personal relationships
• Decline in work performance
• Reluctance to answer the door, check mail or answer the telephone due to fear of bills and debt collectors.
If I Think A Friend Is Experiencing Financial Stress How Do I Help Them?
Remember it is usual for people to keep financial issues private and there is a lot of shame around struggling financially. Keeping this to yourself is isolating and disempowering.
If you think a friend needs support remember that you approach them with empathy and make sure you don’t judge them.
Let them know you understand how difficult this all is.
Choose your time to talk. You need to find somewhere that is private and relaxed.
It is best to not assume you know what the problem is. Maybe you can notice they have seemed a bit stressed lately and you just wanted to check in. What’s going on for them? Is there anything they would like to talk about?
If your friend says no, then respect that. Let them know you are there if they need to talk and leave it at that.
If your friend talks, listen with the aim of hearing what they are saying. Remember you are not here to problem solve, just listen and support. Every so often it is helpful to summarise what they are saying to check in you are understanding them okay. This also shows you are listening.
Remember that their voice should be heard more than yours.
Remember to acknowledge that financial stress is a common issue and it is normal and perfectly okay to feel overwhelmed.
Respect their boundaries. Don’t push for information they are not willing to give.
Reassure seeking help is what strong people do.
If you are able to offer practical support, such as assistance with working out a budget and how to approach debtors to work out payment plans, then offer this support. Respect their response – they may say no.
Referral Agencies
Encourage them to see a financial counsellor for their finances. The National Debt Helpline can offer free and confidential advice. The MoneySmart website is run by ASIC and offers advice and tools for managing money and dealing with debt.
If your friend is working their Employee Assistance Program may be a source of a small number of counselling sessions.
Community Organisations such as The Salvation Army and St Vincent de Paul offer many programs and can on occasion offer emergency financial aid.
Beyond Blue and Lifeline Australia can provide counselling and mental health support.
It is also important to assist your friend to approach Centrelink to see if they can get help there. Support them around this as they may not be able to get support.
If they need support with managing their stress they may benefit from seeing a counsellor. You may be able to help them find someone who can help them.
Remember that it is vital to offer emotional support regularly and to check in on how they are.
Retirement
Many people find their job defines who they are and gives them their life purpose. Retirement ends this.
One of the challenges with retirement is finding a purpose in life that doesn’t stretch you financially.
Many people find they are invisible once they retire. As they get older friends die and the circle of friends reduces. They are also cut off from the people they once worked with. This means the world becomes a lot smaller and often lonelier.
Some people plan to retire and they often do better. Others have retirement decisions made for them. That often means financially they are not ready to retire.
Finding people to listen to you is important.
Financial Stress in Retirement
These days many people retire with more debt than previous generations. This can make it harder to manage.
It is even harder if you are trying to manage on an aged pension.
Whether you have some superannuation or rely on the aged pension, you are going to need help with financial planning. The resources listed above under Financial Stress are useful ones to turn to for financial planning in your retirement.
Supporting Retirees
Not everyone who retires planned their retirement or is happy with their retirement.
No matter whether it was planned or not, retirement is a massive transition.
The pandemic caused a lot of people to retire earlier than they planned. This has meant that they were not ready emotionally or financially for retirement. That makes the transition even harder.
Lost life purpose is more likely to happen when retirement is unplanned.
Asking people how they are managing retirement can be helpful. Don’t drop contact with someone because they are retired, they are likely to need your support more than ever and may appreciate your care.
Retirement Is A Loss And That Means Grief
It is helpful to remember that retirement involves grieving for the life that has gone. Even if you are happy to have retired, there are still losses and changes that must be adjusted to.
Be patient. Allow time to adjust. Expect there to be days when you feel sad and even depressed.
Seek help from others. See a counsellor. Don’t pretend everything is wonderful if it isn’t.
If you are supporting someone who is retired, be willing to listen. Remember, the person you are seeking to support just wants to be heard, not problem solved.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to feel okay, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I understand the persistence of this belief. I remember Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model of the emotional journey of the dying being applied to grief and taught everywhere that this was what grief looked like.
I remember people 30 years later telling me I was in this stage or that stage when my mother died. All of it was rubbish. But I didn’t know that then.
20 odd years later I still have people enter my consulting room convinced that there is something wrong with them because they are still in pain and the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance formula just isn’t working.
The Truth About Grief
The reality is that grief is different for everyone. There may be some similarities in emotions experienced by some people, but there is no formula to work through.
The biggest learning in grief is to be okay with the pain you experience. To be able to learn to be okay with those times when you can’t disguise your pain and you feel embarrassed because “you are not supposed to feel that way”.
Grief is painful. And it is messy. You are unlikely to experience anything worse than this in your lifetime.
What The Experts Have Discovered
Grief never ends. It stays with you for the rest of your life. What happens is that you learn how to live with that pain, how to grow your life around it.
The metaphor of you being a passenger on your grief vehicle is a good one. This vehicle continues down the road and never stops. There is no timetable, destination and no end point.
Grief Is Not The Enemy
It is important to realise grief is not your enemy. It is the understandable and very normal reaction to the loss of something or someone in your life that you were deeply connected to.
Grief is your reaction to the loss of that attachment in your life and of its importance to you.
The Social And Not Social Aspects of Grief
There will be days when you crave human contact.
And there will be days when that is the last thing you want.
There will be days when close friends are what you want. And at those times you may want to talk about what you have lost and share your memories.
On those days you seek understanding Not Fixing.
You just want to be heard, and that may entail being heard again and again.
You Will Use Subconscious Strategies To Cope With Your Emotions
People have different strategies to help them cope.
Some will keep busy working, performing tasks, doing hobbies.
Others will seek the support and comfort of others experiencing grief.
Supporting the first person may involve helping them find tasks that bring fulfilment.
The second person may benefit from receiving support to attend a grief group.
The Solitary Path of Grief
No matter how you grieve you will find it is a solitary path with you the only one on that path. People who’s grief overlaps with yours may walk with you for a while where your grieving style overlaps, but will eventually walk on another path.
Others may accompany you for a while. Friends and others who can offer support. In time your journey may take you along more frequented routes where you can share your path with many other people. This is how grief works its way into being part of your life. It never goes, but it gets easier.
In short, Grief is a journey, not some destination at the end of several stages.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
This is because when a person you love dies you are heartbroken.
When a person you love leaves you and rejects you and continues to reject you, then you are heartbroken.
Which pain is worse?
The worst pain is the pain you are experiencing.
Heartbreak
Heartbreak is always present in grief. It is heartbreak at the loss of the future with that person, whether they are alive or dead. Now you must face a future you did not plan and may not even like.
Heartbreak can occur through other life events. Losing a job, not getting the job you really wanted, not getting into the university course you wanted, not getting the marks in an exam you wanted, losing out on the house you wanted to buy, losing the house you can no longer afford to pay the loan on, your car being stolen, your house broken into, the end of a relationship, losing your pet, losing your country.
The really important thing to remember is your pain is always worse for you. There is no comparison. Just because someone else is hurting, it doesn’t mean their pain is worse. Comparisons just can’t be made when it comes to grief.
Heartbreak is not logical
It is always important to remember that the act of making a comparison is one that uses your mind. But when you are heartbroken and suffering grief, those are emotions you are feeling. They are not logical, they are not of the mind. They are the emotions of heartbreak.
Be careful, because grief that isn’t attended to doesn’t just go away. It stays there, unattended, and trips you up when something reminds you of it.
Questions to ask yourself
Ask yourself the question. What heartbreak, what grief, what disappointments in your life have you not attended to?
Once you have the answer ask yourself. Why don’t you attend to it?
The answer is most likely that it is difficult, painful even, to confront that pain.
It is so easy to run from pain. Pain hurts.
The realness of emotional pain
Did you know that physical pain and emotional pain are registered in the same part of the brain?
All these years people’s emotional pain has been dismissed as being nothing, yet it is as painful as physical pain.
The metaphor of the Buffalo
Grief expert David Kessler uses the metaphor of a buffalo turning to face a storm and walk into it. The buffalo knows it will get through the storm faster if it does this. But humans try to stay away from the storm. They try to keep a metre or so away. This way they remain in the storm a long time.
Instead of facing the storm, humans stay close to it and try to numb themselves, try to move away, but not far away, or try to avoid any triggering memories. Humans may even run away.
Substituting One Emotion For Another
One way of avoiding the storm is to go to another emotion that feels more comfortable.
What emotions might that be?
The most common one to go after is anger.
If you explore what is under your anger you will often find it is sadness, grief or fear.
There is a very real fear that once you give in to the pain of grief you will never be able to stop crying.
But you will stop crying in time.
Self Compassion Is The Best Treatment
When you allow yourself to enter the storm and feel your emotions deeply. When you allow yourself to engage with the emotions, then you are caring for yourself. You are showing up for yourself. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions is the way you can be there for you. It is an opportunity to show self compassion.
Self compassion only works if you pay attention to your emotions.
To show self compassion you have to be able to accept that this horrible thing happened. You have to be allowed to feel sorry for yourself, for the pain you are experiencing and have experienced.
Our society tells us it is wrong to feel sorry for yourself. But that is wrong. It is not wrong to feel sorry for yourself. It is not wrong to feel for what you have been through. To acknowledge that what you have been through was horrible.
When others try to shut you down over this it is because they feel uncomfortable and don’t want to be exposed to that discomfort.
Beware The Failure To Own Your Problems
Refusing to be accountable for what you have done in your life and refusing to own your problems causes difficulties around feeling sorry for yourself.
If you feel sorry for yourself and get stuck in that place, constantly seeking those who will affirm your pain but never doing anything to get out of that pain, then you are failing to understand your own problems and find ways to resolve them.
The Importance of Being Seen
It is important to feel seen, to have your pain acknowledged. But sometimes you are the one who is going to see you, who will acknowledge your pain.
Being seen is empowering. Seeing yourself is as empowering as being seen by someone else.
Tara Brach PhD, a leading western teacher of Buddhist meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening, talks about the importance of putting your hand over your heart centre and saying “Ouch, that hurts” as a way to acknowledge the pain you are feeling and give yourself self compassion. Try it sometime, you will most likely find it helps a lot.
In Summary
The worst abandonment is when you abandon yourself
In your pain do not fail to acknowledge to yourself the pain you are in.
Don’t fail to show compassion to yourself.
Stop judging yourself, shaming yourself, criticising yourself, telling yourself you are bad or unworthy, failing to defend yourself.
Make sure you recognise your own pain. Remember “Ouch it hurts” is very important.
Sit with your pain and acknowledge it. Comfort yourself.
Advice To The Recently Bereaved
I often have recently bereaved people visit me. Their bereavement is so recent they haven’t even had the funeral yet. One of the things I tell them in that first session is to be kind to themselves, to be okay to not look after other people at the funeral. To let others care for them. To absent themselves from the post funeral get together if they need to. To cry, be unstable, not want to talk, not want to socialise, not look after others are all permissible and necessary self care actions.
Grief Forces Change
I model for the recently bereaved how to speak kindly to yourself, how to be caring and compassionate to yourself, how to be there for yourself.
It is scary to be placed in the position where you have to grow and change. But grief puts you there and there is only one way out and that is to walk through the storm.
You are going to have to learn the new way to be. You will not know it immediately, but you will learn over time and self compassion is your best ally in this learning.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and heartbreak please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
If you read my blogs regularly, you will by now be familiar with the fact that grief is not a sequential process with and end point. It goes on for the rest of your life.
The intensity of the pain will lessen in intensity and frequency over time, but there will still be days when you are hit by the pain.
Sub heading How To Manage Those Difficult Days
The following are ways people report have helped them:
1. Comfort Kit.
This kit is a special box or bag that can be placed somewhere easy to access.
Put in it things that you find comforting. Popular items include candles, bath oils, art supplies, a cuddly toy.
This box is about doing something special for you as you feel low. To give you love and a warm hug of comfort.
What can you put in your comfort kit?
2. Important Lists To Assist
By this I mean the following:
• Put together a playlist of favourite uplifting songs. Don’t add sad songs to the list, those songs are for other times. This list is about listening to songs that soothe and encourage.
• Keep an updated list of people you can talk to on those bad days. This should be composed of people who will give you the support, love and encouragement you need on those bad days.
• Have a list of movement activities. These are things you can do to get you up and moving. This can include places to walk, something to dance to, some yoga exercises to practise, work you can do in the garden. Anything that gets you moving in an enjoyable way (so don’t decide to tackle a massive weed pile in the garden unless you get great joy out of tackling that).
• A feel good list. This is a list of things you enjoy doing that make you feel good. This might involve funny movies, inspiriting books, comfort food, friends to visit who make you feel good, animals you love to see and so on.
• Getting out in nature list. Ideas of things you can do out in nature. Research proves the value of nature – be it the bush or the beach. These are places you can go to feel better. Maybe it is to go on a hike, walk along a favourite beach, sit in a park, listen to birds, whale watch, swim. The list is endless.
• Positive sayings or affirmations: On your good days, collects sayings and affirmations. When you are having a bad day get them out and read through them. They can be as simple as: “ It’s okay to cry”, “This will pass” “It is okay to be sad” “It is okay to have a sad day” “It is okay to take time out to honour your pain”.
• Places you can go to care for yourself: This can include a place you find comforting, places you can visit, tourist ideas you have never visited in your local area, going to a retreat to reflect and be pampered. Places that feed your soul.
Which of these lists would you find useful? Make those lists today.
3. Daily Gratitude Journal.
This is a preventative measure. The ideas is that you have a special journal where you write 10 things you are grateful for every day. Write your list then read it out aloud and say “Thank you, thank you, thank you” after each list item. Remember small things can be on that list, not just spectacular things. You can be grateful for you feet because they support you as you go about your day. You can be grateful for the food you eat. You can be grateful for family members. You can be grateful for your home, even furniture in your home.
The other use for a gratitude list is that you can take it our on your bad days and read it.
As well as a gratitude journal, I also have a gratitude jar. I write things on a piece of paper that I am grateful for. I write at least once a week and add items on other days if something amazing happens.
4. Grief Support Groups You Can Reach Out To.
Many people find going to a grief support group, joining a live group online, joining a social media group is helpful. They report the benefits of seeking support from those groups on their bad days provides great comfort.
5. Ask For Help List.
There are times when you may need the support of a grief counsellor. Having a list of counsellors in your local area makes it easier for you to ring to arrange an appointment.
Time For Action
Now is the time to write down your plan of action for your next difficult day.
What will you put in that plan?
Are you going to assemble your comfort box?
Have you written some lists of things to do?
Have you considered some of the other things you can do to support you on those bad days?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your bad days, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
