Physical Symptoms

The Legacy of Grief

Neuroscientific advances have led to the identification of attachment neural networks in our brains. These networks create bonds with the people in your life.

Grief impacts on many aspects of brain function. From a neuroscientific perspective, grief is the action of the brain to build new networks and dismantle old ones to accommodate the loss of people in you life.

The Impact In Your Life

You recall memories of the person you have lost. So many people report the difficulties of bitter sweet memories.

You used to share information with that person and it helped you gain perspective. It enriched the experiences you shared. Many people tell me they no longer enjoy the things they used to do because the experience of doing something on their own is lacking the perspective of the person they used to do it with.

Grief can leave you feeling no longer in control of your feelings and reactions to things. You may find yourself crying uncontrollably, seemingly unable to stop. You may find yourself feeling angry at anything and unable to stop those feelings. You may find making decisions overwhelming.

Then there is pain. That pain may feel physical but your doctor can find no cause for it. But the experience of physical pain occurs in the same part of the brain as the experience of emotional pain. And your body experiences emotions in various parts of the body. Not surprising then that the strong emotions of grief can cause physical pain.

The Experience of Grief

The pain and confusion are horrible. It is not surprising if you want to run away from them. Equally, you may feel numb and want to do anything to feel something.

All this pain, confusion and numbness can only be managed by moving through it. Eventually the worst of it will over and you will learn to live with what is left.

You are walking a tightrope over the gulf of loss and everlasting memories of that person.

Losing You

Your sense of self is totally disrupted. This is not surprising because you gain your sense of self from your relationships with others. If one who deeply mattered is gone, who are you? You need a new identity.

Identity can be tied with another person in many ways.

The relationship you had with them: partner, parent, child, friend.
Your identity in relationship with that person. Were you a parent and now you are not? Did you care for the person before they died and now they are gong you are not a person who cares for another?
How do you perceive yourself as a parent without a child, or with one less? How do you perceive yourself as a person without parents or a parent? How do you perceive yourself as single? You had a relationship with the person who has died and who you were in that relationship no longer exists.

The Only Way Out

One thing you will eventually discover is that facing grief is the way out of this time of deep grieving.

When you learn to face grief and experience it you will learn how to reorganise yourself and your life to include your grief in it.

What You Can Do

Be gentle, self compassionate and open to seeking help from other people. Don’t turn away those who want to support you. It is okay to occasionally say you need a break from people, but do allow people in when you are able to.

Be willing to learn how to cope. Draw on what you already know and learn new strategies. You may find it beneficial to see a Grief Counsellor to assist you with this.

A Wise Perspective From An Old Woman

I wanted to finish on a wonderful perspective shared with me a long time ago.

A lovely woman who saw me some years ago had experienced much grief during her life. Now in her final years she was coming to terms with the losses of close friends as many came to the end of their lives.

At the end of our sessions together, she reflected on a lifetime of grief and rejoiced that she could remember all the wonder of each relationship and the precious memories she had of those times.

She reflected that at the time each loss was so painful. She had grieved so much for each one. She thought she would never feel better. But she was able to move on with the sweetness of that loss as a precious bitter sweet memory.

Now looking back on her life, she could see how precious each person was and how the relationships had been vital parts of her life. Each relationship had given her life a richness and meaning that far outweighed the pain of losing them. For that she was grateful.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Anguish and Grief

Many people who come to see me describe their grief.

They talk about collapse as a result of unbearable and traumatic swirls of emotions.

This has occurred when their loved one has died, when they have found out their loved one’s death is imminent, even some time after the loss of their loved one.

The feeling they were experiencing was anguish.

Anguish is an almost unbearable and traumatic swirl of shock, incredulity, grief and powerlessness. A feeling so overpowering that it affects the entire body. Anguish causes a crumpling in on yourself, even a collapse.

This extreme state has been little researched. As though researchers cannot bear to be close to such an extreme and awful feeling.

You only have to look at the synonyms for anguish to get an understanding of how horrible a feeling it is:

• agony

• grief

• heartache

• heartbreak

• misery

• sorrow

• suffering

• torment

• woe

• affliction

• distress

• torture

• wretchedness

It most definitely is not:

• delight

• happiness

• health

• joy

• comfort

• relief

• contentment

• joyfulness

These words are the opposites of anguish.

Anguish has been described as extreme pain, either of body or mind; and excruciating distress.

It is important to acknowledge that anguish affects all of the body. It involves a crumpling on yourself both physically and emotionally. Many in states of extreme anguish fall down or are unable to remain standing.

From a neuroscientific perspective it happens when your fight/flight mechanism triggers you to act but you cannot actually get away so cannot act. In a state of anguish you will sweat, have a rapid pulse and feel that you are suffocating.

You will also feel intense psychic discomfort and will feel defenceless and powerless to deal with danger.

It is terrifying to experience anguish. And also devastating.

Should you experience it, know it is okay to do so. Yes it is scary, but you will survive it. You will be changed by it, but you will survive it.

The photo accompanying today’s blog has included some images that describe anguish. The most iconic of those is the painting of the Ewe protecting her dying lamb and seeing the crows gathering around to tear its carcass apart.

Anguish certainly feels like that.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

5 ways your physical body processes grief

It may surprise you to learn that grief impacts on your physical body.

The feelings and emotions we experience in life are not just in our heads. Anything we experience impacts on our bodies in various ways. This blog is about some of the ways our bodies are affected by grief.

HOW YOUR HEART RESPONDS

According to a small study, there is a greater risk than normal in the week after you have suffered a bereavement of having a heart attack. This is because the body responds to the stress of bereavement by increasing blood pressure, heart rate and clotting. Of course having a higher risk does not mean you will definitely have a heart attack. It is a good reminder to look after yourself in this time.

There is also a condition sometimes called broken heart syndrome where the left side of the heart, which pumps blood around the body, weakens. So if you are feeling tired and becoming more easily breathless and fatigued don’t push through. Take time out to rest and seek medical attention if it is needed.

HOW YOUR ADRENAL GLANDS REACT

For the first six months after bereavement you may find it harder to sleep at night. You may also feel your digestion is affected. This is because the stress of losing a loved one causes your adrenal glands to release more cortisol. This impacts on sleep and digestion.

HOW YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM IS IMPACTED

Cortisol also affects your immune system by lowering your ability to fight infections. This also affects your immune response to vaccines. The result is you may find yourself getting sick more often and any vaccines you have may be less effective.

HOW YOUR BRAIN STRUGGLES

A lot of processing goes on in your brain during grief.

In order to work efficiently, your brain keeps very busy with housework. This includes tidying up neuronal pathways that are no longer needed.

When the one you love dies your neuronal connections to them are no longer needed. You don’t need to remove neuronal pathways every day and work like that is quite major for the brain to do. Don’t be surprised if you get headaches, fatigue easily, find it hard to string thoughts together, forget things and generally feel you are in constant fog.

Raised cortisol levels in your body just add to the brain fog.

Remember to be kind to yourself. You are not mad. You are not stupid. You are grieving and just getting through the day is an amazing achievement.

YOUR ENTIRE BODY

Because of the raised Cortisol levels in your body, you may find you are more likely to feel stressed and overwhelmed, even by things that were once simple and non stressful. You may also find it harder to calm down after stressful incidents.

Again, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself time to calm down. Practising simple meditations may be helpful. As your concentration is impacted it is better to keep mediations short.

Be mindful of your health and remember to get regular check-ups from your health practitioner. The stress caused by grief is known to raise inflammation in your body and that inflammation if more likely to become chronic. Inflammation is often experienced in sore joints, flare ups of skin conditions, allergies, arthritis and digestive difficulties.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Life is stressful. Some events cause greater stress than others and are therefore associated with greater risk of stress related illnesses.

Grief is one of the most stressful events you can experience.

A lot of the physical impacts of grief are caused by your body’s response to the pain you are experiencing. There are ways to limit that.

Understanding the impact of Grief is important.

Understanding that your body will be responding to the stress of bereavement will allow you to make allowances for yourself.

Focus on looking after yourself. I realise that is often the last thing you want to do in this situation, but it is important you allow time for you.

GRIEF THE COMFORTER

Remember grief is there to comfort you, not to make your life difficult. Bereavement makes life difficult. Grief just picks up the pieces.

Do see a doctor if you are experiencing severe physical symptoms.

In the meantime, when you feel able to eat try to eat nutritious foods. Get as much rest as possible. Try simple, short meditations. Even if you stop for a minute every so often to focus on your breathing and just let go of whatever is on your mind at the time can be helpful.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF

I can’t say this enough! Be kind to yourself. Don’t expect to be able to achieve magnificent goals at this time. Accept that some days, just getting through the day is a fantastic achievement.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

It can help to talk to a counsellor about your feelings. To feel free to express all the thoughts that you may feel you can’t express to other people. To know you are not crazy. When you are ready you may find a support group is helpful.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Surviving the Fog and Wonky Brain of Grief

Many people suffering from loss complain about finding it hard to think.

• Do you have issues with memory?

• Do you have trouble comprehending what others are telling you, or what you are reading/watching?

• Do you have trouble with you attention span, which seems to have escaped through the window and is still absent?

These areas are the biggest area of complaint by people who see me.

GRIEF AS REALITY

The reality of grief is that it is an enormous event in your life.

You are experiencing:

• Grief

• Trauma

• Sadness

• Loneliness

• And any of a limitless list of other things you may be experiencing.

THE ENERGY LOAD OF GRIEF

Grief is a massive load for your brain to process.

Grief can take up to 99% of the energy that is available to your brain.

99%.

That is a lot of energy and a big drain on the energy you have available to you.

Thinking activities such as remembering things, comprehending things and attending to things also require a lot of energy.

WHERE DOES THE ENERGY GO?

But if 99% of your available energy is taken up by grief, how much is left for everything else?

1%.

From that 1% of energy you have to organise the tasks of daily living.

You may have a job you need to attend to.

You may have other family members who rely on you to get them through the day.

You have to continue to function in a world that doesn’t stop just because you are grieving.

With so little energy available to you for the normal tasks of daily living, it is no wonder you feel you are in a constant fog where you can’t even remember when you last ate and you struggle to remember what you have done in the last few hours.

WHAT DO YOU DO TO MANAGE?

So what can you do?

• A really useful tool is to write things down. Post it notes are great because you can stick them on most surfaces. You can even write on the fridge when you last ate.

• Also, don’t fight the brain fog. Accept that it is happening and will eventually pass. You may feel unproductive during this time, but you are achieving a lot. You are grieving and that is a major work in itself.

• Make sure your need to eat, drink water, sleep and move around is the most important task for you to do.

• Congratulate yourself on the things you achieve in the day. If you ate breakfast that is a great achievement. If you drank enough water you have achieved great things.

WHAT DO I DO UNTIL MY MIND COMES BACK?

So next time you feel you are losing your mind, don’t worry, a day will come when you will have your brain back and functioning. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and remember to congratulate yourself on everything you achieve in the day, no matter how small.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au