Grief Is Like A Large Bag Of Rocks

There is a children’s book called “The Huge Bag of Worries” by Virginia Ironside.

It is about a child who carries around a bag full of their worries. The worries are large, heavy rocks.

The child finds the bag increasingly difficult to carry around.

Eventually they are helped to take the rocks out of the bag and lighten its load.

Grief As A Permanent Bag of Rocks

I have seen that same analogy used for grief. I don’t know who first thought of this, but it is a good analogy.

This analogy has grief as a large bag that is filled with rocks. This bag is like a penance. You are given it and told you have to carry it for the rest of your life.

In this case you don’t want the bag. You resist getting the bag. You refuse to acknowledge and accept that bag.

But you get it anyway, and you can’t take it off.

It is heavy. Too much to bear.

You try to take it off, you are exhausted, upset, even angry that the bag is there, hampering you in everything you try to do.

It takes up so much room that there are places you can no longer go because you no longer fit there.

You find yourself having to think differently about where you can go and what you can do. You ask yourself if you have the stamina for this activity or task. You get tired and need to bow out of activities.

People notice your large bag and treat you differently.

Some people are sympathetic to your plight. They give you space and offer empathy.

Others feel uncomfortable about your large bag and avoid you.

Others have a large bag too and understand what you are going through.

Somewhere along the way you find the strength to manage the bag. You learn new skills for navigating the world. Sometimes the rocks bother you and you need to rest, or give yourself space. But other days they are just there and you can manage.

In time you may have a new grief and more rocks added to that bag. And the process of learning to carry the bag starts again.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

5 Perspectives On Grief

Today I have drawn together some wonderful poetry on grief.

On Those Days

The first is by Donna Ashworth. So many people I see for counselling are hard on themselves and forget to give themselves the love the one they have lost would give them. This poem is a reminder to honour the one you loved by loving yourself.

On those days when you miss someone the most,
as though your memories are sharp enough to slice through skin and bone,
remember how they loved you.
Remember how they loved you and do that, for yourself.
In their name, in their honour.
Love yourself, as they loved you.
They would like that.
On those days when you miss someone the most, love yourself harder.

How Long Will You Stay?

This one is by Ullie-kaye and addresses the question of how long grief will stay. The answer is forever, not as bad as this, but still some of it. And Grief reminds you of the new way you must find to live.

Me: How long will you stay?
Grief: for as long as you love them.
Me: Will I always be sad?
Grief: a part of you, yes.
Me: What about the other parts?
Grief: they will find a new way.
Me: A new way for what?
Grief: a new way to breathe
To laugh
To walk
To wake up
To create
To experience nature
To see the world
To be courageous
To hear music
To carry hope
To speak their names
A new way to love from a nearby distance.

Keep Going

Adrian Grief Support wrote this wonderful piece:

Grief can be a very surreal experience, a forced march through a landscape that is frightening, lonely, and utterly bewildering.

You feel like you are slogging along, stumbling really, unnoticed by the rest of the ordinary world while trying to adjust to your new normal, where every step feels uncertain, and your eventual destination is unknown.

Nothing feels normal about the void left by the absence of someone deeply loved.

The adjustment to reality after a significant loss is often a slow and extremely difficult process, taking months and years of gradual acceptance, not days or weeks.

It’s like learning to walk again on an uneven path, where each step forward is reluctant and suffused with the memory of how things used to be.

In this new reality, time itself seems to warp and bend. The world continues its relentless pace, but for the bereaved, it feels like every movement and decision requires a Herculean effort.

Keep going, even though it’s tough right now and you’re really tired.

The path you’re on is awful and feels never-ending, but there’s a point further along where things get a bit easier.

You can’t see it yet, but there’s a place up ahead where the pain starts to ease. As time goes by, you’ll begin to remember the good times more than the bad, and the love you shared will start to outshine the hurt you’re feeling now.

Just keep going, my friend.

The One

This final piece if by Mary Anne Byrne and is a beautiful cry from the heart:

‘The One’

You were my soulmate, my happiness, my life, the one that believed in me, in you I found strength
You were the one who gave meaning to my life, you gave me purpose and a reason to live.
You were the sunshine in all my waking hours, my light, my go to, my guardian and my guide.
You were the one I could always rely on, together nothing fazed us, we were confident and strong.
You were the one who made me feel safe, my stalworth, my protector, my anchor and my rock.
You were the one I could always turn to, your love and support I could always count on.
You were the one who could always make me smile, even on those days when life seemed a little hard.
You were the one that I loved with all my heart and will continue to do so, for the rest of my life.

A Widow’s Story

The last words on this subject are from a client who was happy to share her words with you. Her name is omitted and some details have been changed to give her privacy.

It was 14 months ago and my life fell apart. I lost my husband to cancer.

We had been together 47 years.

He was my soulmate, my confidant, my partner in crime, my best friend. He was my everything.

After he was gone I felt my life had not purpose. There was no joy. I had lost all hope. I found myself drowning and a raging see of grief and loneliness.

My doctor suggested antidepressants. They didn’t help.

I joined a support group. They were friendly and we shared our pain, but it didn’t give me back my purpose, joy or hope.

I wanted to heal and move on. I just didn’t know how. I was stuck in a dark hole and couldn’t see any light.

There was nothing to live for. Nothing to look forward to. Life was very bleak.

I had a loving family and plenty of friends. They all cared for me. They visited me, called me, invited me out, made sure I had plenty of human contact. But I still felt alone and isolated.

So I visited a counsellor.

I learned that what I was experiencing was not unusual. In fact, it was what many grieving people experienced.

I wasn’t mad after all. Nor was I depressed.

I was just grieving.

Being able to talk to someone who understood but wasn’t dealing with their own grief at my husband’s death. They were there just for me.

That felt so nice.

I didn’t feel guilty taking up her time.

I thought I would be given tasks to do and be told to get on with it.

Instead I was given understanding and a space being held for me to be and express all the range of emotions I was feeling.

I started to feel more at peace. Things were starting to make sense.

I started to feel I could be me again. Not the same me as before, but me all the same.

I learned that the me now, the me changed by grief, would be the new me.

I came to understand that grief had led me to feel weak and ineffectual. On my own was a daunting thing. Without my husband I felt so weak.

But I learned I was strong and I could survive this. I could learn how to be on my own after so long. I discovered strengths I didn’t know I possessed and started to feel less overwhelmed by daily tasks.

I realised I was healing and growing. And starting to feel joy and gratitude. I even started to find meaning in my life.

I still miss him. But I know that I can survive now.

I would recommend anyone going through grief to see a grief counsellor.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

13 Things To Remember When With A Grieving Person

In the past year a lot of my friends have lost their partners. Others have lost family members. Others have lost pets. Not a week has gone by without hearing of a death.

There have been a lot of funerals and a lot of tears.

There has also been resilience and healing.

With one friend whose dog had died I found myself falling into the trap of telling her about my own dog dying because I wanted to console her feeling of guilt at not having acted fast enough to end her dog’s suffering.

That was the wrong thing to do. I didn’t even get to the point of the story before she had quite rightly switched off.

Christmas brought communications from overseas friends and more notifications of deaths.

This got me thinking. Even the most grief trained and educated, when not in our formal roles, can slip up when supporting those who are grieving.

For this reason I decided my first blog of 2025 would be about things we need to remember when with someone who has been bereaved.

Be Mindful

One of the most important things to remember is to be mindful of what you are saying and thinking.

Maintaining awareness of what is happening for you and what you are hearing is very important.

Couple that awareness with questioning. In your mind be curious about your responses and whether they are for you, or the person who is bereaved.

My example of wanting to reassure my friend that she didn’t need to feel guilty about not acting fast enough to end her dog’s suffering is a good one here.

How could I word my reassurance in a way that met her needs? Not mine.

Why did I need to reassure her? Was it for her or because I needed the reassurance myself?

Did she need reassurance? This leads me to my next reminder.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Often when supporting another person you can draw on your own experience to decide what support they need. That is quite normal.

It is always important to be aware that what you needed in a similar situation is not necessarily what the other person needs now.

If the person tells you something, for example “I feel guilty I didn’t take my dog to the vet earlier” then it is okay to offer support around that.

If they didn’t say that but you think that might be how they are feeling then ask them. For example. “from what you are saying I was wondering if you felt guilty you didn’t take the dog to the vet earlier”. They can say yes or no. If yes then you may ask if they would like to talk about that.

Don’t rush in with fix it statements (see heading fix it).

Don’t Offer Sympathy.

Often a person’s story of grief is a big, distressing story. Sometimes it is a very traumatic story.

Don’t get caught up in the story and suffer with that person.

This is sympathy and it can lead to you being very unhelpful.

Instead offer empathy. Listen from a slight emotional distance. This is where mindfulness is important. Listen with that understanding that you are hearing the other person’s story but you are not part of it. This allows you to hear their pain but not immerse yourself in it as well where you are no help to them.

One of my lecturers described the difference between sympathy and empathy with the following analogy:

Do You Jump In The Hole or Put Down a Rope?

My lecturer described sympathy as encountering someone stuck in a hole.

You race to jump in the hole with them. Then you find you are stuck there too. Neither of you can get out.

For the person in the hole, they need to get out, not have someone else there too who they may have to care for as well.

Empathy is seeing the person in the hole and letting a rope down into the hole so they can climb out. You offer them the acknowledgement of their predicament and listen to them. Then you help them to climb out of that hole where they can be outside the hole with the security of someone who is caring and comforting but not drowning in their pain.

Don’t Try to ‘fix’ it

There are many reasons people try to “fix” another person’s grief.

One is that is how they learned as children, watching adults in their life offer platitudes or tell the bereaved person what they should do and how they should feel.

Another is that death is uncomfortable, as is distress. If you are sitting with someone who has been bereaved you are experiencing the shock of the death, the reality of death.

It is an uncomfortable feeling.

Most of us learn as children to run from discomfort or shut it down. And the response to an uncomfortable situation like this is to shut it down.

Another source of discomfort is being in the presence of someone who is distressed. More uncomfortable feeling to shut down.

The tendency is to tell the person to look on the bright side. As if that bright side is the solution to all the pain of grief.

These “fix” it bright side shutdowns include comments like:

• He is in a better place.

• You can always have another child.

• So good you are able to remain together.

• He wouldn’t have wanted to suffer.

It is better to say “I don’t know what to say, but I care and I want to be here for you.”

The Funeral May Be Over But The Grief Is Not

Rushing people to “be over” their grief is incredibly unhelpful and also very ignorant.

Just because the funeral is over does not mean the person is “over” the death. You never get over someone’s death. You learn to live with it, to accept it has happened, but the pain never goes away.

This leads me to my next point. No two grief journey’s are the same.

Don’t Compare

You may have been bereaved yourself. Or you may have other friends who have been bereaved.

It is important to remember that no two people grieve the same and no two bereavements lead to the same grieving.

This means that every one you encounter will grieve differently, even if it is for the same person. It also means that if someone you know has different bereavements they will grieve differently for each one.

One of the ways comparison manifests is to tell your own story to the bereaved person.

It is an easy trap to fall into.

You are not necessarily deliberately comparing, but that is what is amounts to.

My story of the friend grieving her dead dog is a case of inadvertent comparison.

Subtitle The Golden Rule – Never Bring Your Own Experience In Unless You Are Asked.

For the grieving person, your telling your own story is deflecting their pain that they just trusted you enough to share with you, and making it about you.

That may not have been your intent, but that is what happens.

Just acknowledging the other person’s feelings and how difficult it is gives more support than trying to tell your own story.

The Concept of Ring Theory

This is a concept that was developed by psychologists Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.

The grieving person is in the centre of a circle composed of rings.

The next ring outside that person is their closest people, usually a partner. The next ring is family and close friends, then less close friends, acquaintances, and people they don’t know but may come across.

The person in the centre can say anything to those in the circles around them. They can say how sad they are, express frustration, anger, desolation.

The people in the other rings can only offer comfort inwards. That means they can comfort anyone in the rings inside their own, especially the grieving person.

If a person wants to express their own feelings and ask questions, they can only do that to those in rings outside their own.

Support can only be offered to those in rings inside your own.

In other words Support goes in and expressing your own issues goes out.

This is really helpful to remember when interacting with a grieving person.

Don’t Judge

No matter how the person died, no matter what sort of person they were, don’t judge them to those who are grieving them.

This happens often with death by suicide, or accidents where the person was drunk or under the influence of drugs.

It doesn’t matter how the person died. What matters is that those who loved them are hurting. What matters also is that this person, who was full of life, is now dead.

Life is precious and the loss of life is the loss of something very precious. Never forget that when you encounter deaths such as that.

Always Say Their Name Where Culturally Appropriate

It can be hard to talk about someone who has died.

For you this may be painful.

It can also feel uncomfortable to say their name.

You may be afraid of hurting the person who is grieving.

From my experience of grief, and that of friends, it means so much more to hear their name mentioned. To have people talk about them and the things they did.

Don’t be frightened to mention them by name and talk about them. You can always check in first if it is okay to do that.

Be mindful that in some cultures you don’t mention the dead one’s name.

No Empty Platitudes

I have already mentioned empty platitudes. The ones like “They are in a better place”, “You can always have another one” and so on.

When you first learn of someone’s death it is okay to say how sorry you are. Initially, that is all the grieving person is able to cope with.

In time however, if they start talking about their loved one don’t be afraid to say more.

If you are unsure what to say you may tell them you don’t know how to talk about this, that you don’t want to hurt them, that you want them to tell you if you get it wrong. Then listen.

No Seeking More Detail Or Sensationalising The Situation.

It is better not to ask how the person died, or details of how they died if you know the cause of death.

When I counsel grieving people I don’t necessarily seek to know how their loved one died unless it is important. Even then I ask if they mind telling me about their death.

You don’t need to know all the details.

For the grieving person, rehashing the details can be very painful.

People usually know when you have asked out of curiosity or because you care.

To be asked out of curiosity is incredibly painful and isolating.

One thing that is often overlooked is how traumatic it is to be bereaved. When you are with someone who is grieving you need to remember there is the pain of grief and the trauma of their death. Both need to be processed and healed.

Summary

Be careful to use empathy when supporting those who are grieving.

Be mindful of what you are thinking and what you want to say. Ask yourself before saying anything if it is helpful for the grieving person. If it isn’t then don’t say it.

Don’t seek extra information unless they are offering it to you. Sometimes people want to talk about the death, other times not.

Allow space and time for grief to play out.

Remember Ring Theory, offer comfort to those in circles inside your own circle.

If you find someone else’s grief brings up pain for you then seek counselling.

If you are grieving yourself and need help, then seek counselling.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your own grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my
newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

You May Want It To Be But There Are No Stages To Grief

I understand the persistence of this belief. I remember Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model of the emotional journey of the dying being applied to grief and taught everywhere that this was what grief looked like.

I remember people 30 years later telling me I was in this stage or that stage when my mother died. All of it was rubbish. But I didn’t know that then.

20 odd years later I still have people enter my consulting room convinced that there is something wrong with them because they are still in pain and the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance formula just isn’t working.

The Truth About Grief

The reality is that grief is different for everyone. There may be some similarities in emotions experienced by some people, but there is no formula to work through.

The biggest learning in grief is to be okay with the pain you experience. To be able to learn to be okay with those times when you can’t disguise your pain and you feel embarrassed because “you are not supposed to feel that way”.

Grief is painful. And it is messy. You are unlikely to experience anything worse than this in your lifetime.

What The Experts Have Discovered

Grief never ends. It stays with you for the rest of your life. What happens is that you learn how to live with that pain, how to grow your life around it.

The metaphor of you being a passenger on your grief vehicle is a good one. This vehicle continues down the road and never stops. There is no timetable, destination and no end point.

Grief Is Not The Enemy

It is important to realise grief is not your enemy. It is the understandable and very normal reaction to the loss of something or someone in your life that you were deeply connected to.

Grief is your reaction to the loss of that attachment in your life and of its importance to you.

The Social And Not Social Aspects of Grief

There will be days when you crave human contact.

And there will be days when that is the last thing you want.

There will be days when close friends are what you want. And at those times you may want to talk about what you have lost and share your memories.

On those days you seek understanding Not Fixing.

You just want to be heard, and that may entail being heard again and again.

You Will Use Subconscious Strategies To Cope With Your Emotions

People have different strategies to help them cope.

Some will keep busy working, performing tasks, doing hobbies.

Others will seek the support and comfort of others experiencing grief.

Supporting the first person may involve helping them find tasks that bring fulfilment.

The second person may benefit from receiving support to attend a grief group.

The Solitary Path of Grief

No matter how you grieve you will find it is a solitary path with you the only one on that path. People who’s grief overlaps with yours may walk with you for a while where your grieving style overlaps, but will eventually walk on another path.

Others may accompany you for a while. Friends and others who can offer support. In time your journey may take you along more frequented routes where you can share your path with many other people. This is how grief works its way into being part of your life. It never goes, but it gets easier.

In short, Grief is a journey, not some destination at the end of several stages.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

5 Actions to Help Process Your Grief

If you have been following my blogs for any length of time, you will have read that there is no right way to process your grief.

All people grieve differently. Yes, there are similarities in people’s experiences and I often write about them, but you still grieve differently to other people.

What To Do To Help Process Your Grief

Despite their being no right way to grieve, there are 5 things that are important to do to assist you with your grieving.

Name and feel your loss
It is important that you acknowledge your loss. You do this my naming it. After naming it you acknowledge it by allowing yourself to feel any emotions that come up because of that grief.
Be aware that, particularly in the early time of grief, you may not have any feelings. Feelings will come in time.
When they do, name them and allow yourself to experience them, even if that means you “fall apart”.
Seek the support of others
This is important. Friends and family can be a great support at this time. If you don’t have friends and family able to support you then a grief counselling can be helpful to engage with.
At some point in your grief, you may find it helpful to join a group of people who are grieving.
Don’t bottle up your emotions, allow yourself to express them.
There are many ways you can express your emotions. These include:
*Talking to others
*Writing
*Art – painting, drawing, collage, clay work and so on
*Journalling
*Finding activities that help give meaning to your grief
Look after yourself
You must give self care a high priority. If you don’t look after yourself, you will not be able to care for others. So make self care a priority – you deserve it.
Self care includes getting adequate rest, eating nutritionally balanced food, exercise, taking time out to go out with friends if you want, or to spend time alone. Having a massage may be your go to for self care. Or you may want to go fishing, watch a movie, walk in the park.
There are myriad ways to care for you.
Remember also that some says will be harder than others. When that happens, don’t despair, there will be good days too. In the meantime, give yourself extra care on those bad days.
Be patient
Grief is not something you get over in a matter of days. It takes time to grieve. A lot of time. Don’t be hard on yourself when things continue to upset you months or even years later. That is all perfectly normal.

A Final Action

One important thing I stress to people is that it is okay to be happy again. It is okay to have fun. It is okay to go out and enjoy yourself. It is okay for live to move on.

Moving on in life does not mean you did not love the one who your lost, you will always love and grieve for them, but you will do it as part of the life you continue to live.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with processing your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

5 Things You Can Do To Manage The Bad Days After Your Loss

If you read my blogs regularly, you will by now be familiar with the fact that grief is not a sequential process with and end point. It goes on for the rest of your life.

The intensity of the pain will lessen in intensity and frequency over time, but there will still be days when you are hit by the pain.

Sub heading How To Manage Those Difficult Days

The following are ways people report have helped them:

1. Comfort Kit.

This kit is a special box or bag that can be placed somewhere easy to access.

Put in it things that you find comforting. Popular items include candles, bath oils, art supplies, a cuddly toy.

This box is about doing something special for you as you feel low. To give you love and a warm hug of comfort.

What can you put in your comfort kit?

2. Important Lists To Assist

By this I mean the following:

• Put together a playlist of favourite uplifting songs. Don’t add sad songs to the list, those songs are for other times. This list is about listening to songs that soothe and encourage.

• Keep an updated list of people you can talk to on those bad days. This should be composed of people who will give you the support, love and encouragement you need on those bad days.

• Have a list of movement activities. These are things you can do to get you up and moving. This can include places to walk, something to dance to, some yoga exercises to practise, work you can do in the garden. Anything that gets you moving in an enjoyable way (so don’t decide to tackle a massive weed pile in the garden unless you get great joy out of tackling that).

• A feel good list. This is a list of things you enjoy doing that make you feel good. This might involve funny movies, inspiriting books, comfort food, friends to visit who make you feel good, animals you love to see and so on.

• Getting out in nature list. Ideas of things you can do out in nature. Research proves the value of nature – be it the bush or the beach. These are places you can go to feel better. Maybe it is to go on a hike, walk along a favourite beach, sit in a park, listen to birds, whale watch, swim. The list is endless.

• Positive sayings or affirmations: On your good days, collects sayings and affirmations. When you are having a bad day get them out and read through them. They can be as simple as: “ It’s okay to cry”, “This will pass” “It is okay to be sad” “It is okay to have a sad day” “It is okay to take time out to honour your pain”.

• Places you can go to care for yourself: This can include a place you find comforting, places you can visit, tourist ideas you have never visited in your local area, going to a retreat to reflect and be pampered. Places that feed your soul.

Which of these lists would you find useful? Make those lists today.

3. Daily Gratitude Journal.

This is a preventative measure. The ideas is that you have a special journal where you write 10 things you are grateful for every day. Write your list then read it out aloud and say “Thank you, thank you, thank you” after each list item. Remember small things can be on that list, not just spectacular things. You can be grateful for you feet because they support you as you go about your day. You can be grateful for the food you eat. You can be grateful for family members. You can be grateful for your home, even furniture in your home.

The other use for a gratitude list is that you can take it our on your bad days and read it.

As well as a gratitude journal, I also have a gratitude jar. I write things on a piece of paper that I am grateful for. I write at least once a week and add items on other days if something amazing happens.

4. Grief Support Groups You Can Reach Out To.

Many people find going to a grief support group, joining a live group online, joining a social media group is helpful. They report the benefits of seeking support from those groups on their bad days provides great comfort.

5. Ask For Help List.

There are times when you may need the support of a grief counsellor. Having a list of counsellors in your local area makes it easier for you to ring to arrange an appointment.

Time For Action

Now is the time to write down your plan of action for your next difficult day.

What will you put in that plan?

Are you going to assemble your comfort box?

Have you written some lists of things to do?

Have you considered some of the other things you can do to support you on those bad days?

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your bad days, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

6 Benefits Of Journalling Your Grief and Trauma

Grief and Trauma are experienced by most people in very similar ways.

The most common ones experienced are:

• There are a lot of emotions.

• Most people experience confusion and disorientation.

• Your trust in the world may be shattered.

• You are likely to feel you have lost your understanding of who you are.

What Research Demonstrates About Journalling

Journalling has been shown by researchers to be a powerful approach to use in healing.

The act of putting thoughts, feeling and experiences on paper allows you to experience them differently.

How To Journal

What you put on paper doesn’t have to be coherent. Early on in the experience of grief you may find words impossible to put down.

This is when other ways of expressing yourself in the journal work effectively.

If you can find a Visual Art Diary that is a good note pad to use for journalling. The pages are blank and thicker than a writing diary. This allows you to use other media if you need to.

Drawing, even if it is just squiggles on the paper, can express what you have no words for.

Painting also is effective.

Some people use collage. They draw great comfort from cutting out pictures and words and sticking them on the paper.

Even if you write random words you can find that an effective way to express yourself.

The Benefits of Journalling

This journalling is a way to express and witness your grief. It allows you to see your experience from a different perspective. It can help you to realise things you may not have been aware of. It gives you a greater understanding of what you are experiencing.

Journalling is also a way to share your story with others, should you decide to show another person your journal.

The journal can also be a beautiful legacy of love.

Another benefit of journalling is that it allows you to put your thoughts where you can see them. Instead of having those thoughts playing over and over again in your mind, you can put them on paper. Putting those thoughts on paper is a wonderful way to release them, to allow yourself to look at them from a different perspective and maybe see them differently.

The 6 benefits of Journalling:

It helps you to process your grief.
It gives what you are feeling a structure. You may name what you are experiencing and that naming of the feeling is important for processing it. In addition it gives you permission to experience that feeling, whereas you may have pushed it aside had you not taken the time to put it on paper.
Grief and trauma happen to you and are out of your control. When you put your feelings on paper you gain control over those feelings and your life.
By putting your experience on paper you change the story. I have written before about the stories we tell ourselves in life. You get to write the story of your grief and journalling allows you to do that.
Journalling allows you to step back, even if just a little. This allow you to see the whole story of your grief. It allows you to move on from parts of your story that you may be stuck in.
Journalling helps you to acknowledge and experience your feelings. Putting your experience on paper allows you to feel seen and heard. If you show others they can understand better that you are going through. They can discover things you may struggle to put into words.

Can I Help?

Sometimes you may not have anyone to witness your grief. Or you may find that other people don’t understand. Or you may feel you are not grieving ‘properly’ and need guidance and reassurance. This is where seeing a grief trained counsellor can help.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and/or trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Don’t Hide From Grief. Let Your Brain Do Its Work.

Grief is a very difficult feeling to explain. Although there are similarities in the way people grieve, there are also differences. Each person grieves in their own unique way.

How you grieve depends on your life experiences, your relationship to the person who has died, what else is happening in your life and what you have been taught about grief.

Grief Is Inescapable

The important thing to remember is that Grief is real. It is not something to be pushed away or run away from.

It is not something you can drink away, smoke away, drug away, shop away or any other activity you can devise to hide from it.

Grief is.

Grief Impacts Your Brain

Neuroscientists studying grief have found that grief activates the same areas of the brain activated by physical pain. In other words, emotional pain causes the same pain reaction in the brain as physical pain.

Grief also triggers the brain’s fight or flight defensive areas. This results in you being alert and restless. It also causes you to feel exhausted as your brain doesn’t allow you to rest.

I Can’t Get The Circumstances Out Of My Mind

People who grieve often talk about the constant churning of the events of their loved one’s death over and over in their mind.

This is something that is often reported as being unhealthy. Replaying events in the brain is something that people are often told is bad and must be stopped.

But replaying the events of a painful experience such as bereavement is essential for the brain to process what has happened.

I am not saying that you keep going over and over the events forever. But you do need to allow them to replay and be resolved.

Memories Usually Lessen Over Time

Those memories should start to lessen over time. You might not think them as often. You might find the memories are less painful. That means your brain is processing them and resolving them.

If those memories don’t lessen. If you still are troubled by the high frequency of the memories. If you feel things are not resolving then you may need help from a grief counsellor.

The Uncertainty Of The Grief World

It is important to remember that the fight or flight response in the brain is triggered by the disruption of grief. All that you knew, all that seemed certain, has been devastated. You are in the grip of uncertainty and that is scary. You will most likely feel unsafe.

In some instances you may be financially impacted by the grief. That in itself is scary.

It is really important to allow others who you feel safe with to financially support you.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Focusing on the Emotions of Grief

So many people come to see me because, in the wake of their grief, they can’t handle the swirl of emotions.

It is not just the emotions that they struggle with. It is the belief that there is something wrong with them for having those emotions.

It is heart breaking to see people feeling they can’t express their emotions. Either because someone tells them it is bad to do so, or because other people immediately seek to shut them down.

Like it or not, grieving involves a swinging from the emotions of protest at the death of the one you love and despair that they are not there anymore.

Things that Complicate Grief

Complicating grieving are the security of the relationship you had with the person, and any unresolved issues within that relationship.

By this I mean how secure your relationship felt. Did you feel safe and secure with this person? Or were you constantly battling to feel reassured of the security of the relationship? Were there hurts that you had never had a chance to resolve with that person? It will be hard to grieve for that person while those hurts remain unresolved.

Also relevant is anything that has happened in the past that impacts on the current grief.

Factors that Impact How You Cope With the Emotions Around Grief

A major factor in how you will cope with the emotions is your history of how you regulate emotions. If you find it hard to express your emotions then expressing those around grief are going to be difficult.

If you can’t express your emotions then it is impossible to be able to sit with those emotions, face them and work your way through them.

How Rituals Can Help

Rituals around death can also be helpful. What were you raised to do when someone died?

Some are taught to not show emotions, not talk about the death and feel intense shame if you cry.

Others are taught to cry as part of the ritual around the death of a loved one.

Then there are the rituals where the person is commemorated, maybe you will have “sorry business”, or you may light a candle every day for a prescribed number of days in honour of the person.

The above are just some of the ways rituals are used to mark a person’s death.

All, with the exception of the one where you suppress emotions, are very helpful to those who are grieving.

Learning to Manage the Overwhelming Emotions

When I see a grieving person I look for ways to manage the overwhelming emotions. Ways to process what has happened.

I never look for pathology. Although, if you come to see me and it has been 6 months since your loved one died I will ask you to fill in a questionnaire as an aid to measure your progress while seeing me.

Often all you need in your grief is a companion to walk beside you. Having that companion a grief trained counsellor is really helpful. I won’t pathologise your experience. I will help you to express what is so hard to express. I will ensure you realise how normal your reaction is.

Questions to Consider

As we walk together I will ask you to tell me about the one you lost. Tell me about your relationship. What about the history of their death? How did they die? Did you have to make a decision to turn off life support? Did they choose a medically assisted death? Was their death long and painful? Was their death peaceful?

What was the experience of their death like for you?

Were you present in the moment, or did you push your own feelings aside to support your dying loved one, or other family members.

It can be very easy to get stuck, unable to express your own feelings, when you are in a situation of supporting other people.

Were you isolated at the time of death and its aftermath? Being isolated is very traumatising.

Did you feel unsafe in the situation, with all your emotions swirling around and no one there to support you?

The Goal of Therapy

When you work with me the goal we work to is to help you see the strengths that have carried you this far.

Additionally, when you had to support others at the time, I give you the space and support to make that emotional contact with your own feelings so that you can support yourself now.

Together we can be curious and open to explore your experience and the places you are frightened of visiting. My aim is to help you make contact with yourself again. To give you the chance now you are out of survival mode to experience your feelings.

Visiting that experience will most likely involve a lot of reminiscence about your relationship with your loved one. Reminiscing about the things you did together and the events of the end of their life is also important. It allows you to experience the things you may have pushed aside to support others.

What about the present?

An important aspect of grieving is learning to live in the present.

The one you love still exists in your mind. That is something that needs to be explored. How do they exist to you? In what ways do you still rely on them? Do you have a sense of their presence? Do you imagine they help you when you feel lost and not sure how to proceed?

All this is known as continuing bonds. This is an important part of grief. Forming these bonds is how you form the new relationship with your loved one.

“I have a new life. Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor’s mind toward some final resolution, some clear meaning, which it perhaps never finds.” ~ Robert Anderson

Grief is not something you ever “get over”. It lasts for the rest of your life. It just gets easier over time to think about the person. You learn to forge a new relationship that is based on them being dead.

That Can Impact How You Grieve

There are many things that impact on how you grieve.

Grief you have experienced in the past, and the way it was managed, has a deep impact on how you are grieving now.

Trauma in your past will also impact on how you perceive grief and how you are able to regulate your emotions and access support.

Having previously learned to suppress your emotions will make it hard for your to experience them now.

One thing I like to do is to take your back to those final moments for you to experience the feelings you had then. It is helpful for you to experience those feelings in a more receptive way. At the time you would have been barely surviving. Now you are better able to be aware of the experience.

Working on that Moment

Sitting with what you were feeling at those crucial moments in the death of your loved one allows you to experience emotions you had to suppress in order to get through these moments.

Many people will realise they felt great sadness, anger, sadness and longing.

One man told me that at the moment in his life when he was in the worst situation he had ever been in, losing the one he loved, the person he could count on to support him wasn’t there because they were dying.

The person is dying or dead and you don’t want to let them go.

Learning to accept the pain

In time most people are able to live with the horror of their grief. They can learn to accept the pain rather than avoid it. They give themselves permission to cry and not try to hide what they are feeling.

Most people learn to continue a relationship with the one who has died. They may still have conversations with them. Some even write a journal for their loved one of all the things they want to tell them.

It becomes possible to be reminded of the one you lost. You no longer avoid the places that strongly remind you of them. You can remember the good and bad times.

Most importantly, you can accept that you are a different person now. And being that different person is not bad. It is okay.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

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Grief Is About Living, Not Just Losing

Everyone lives life with expectations about what life will be.

Eventually there is disappointment when life doesn’t turn out the way you want it to. The way you believe it should be.

In life there are two ways to deal with disappointment.

The first is to protest: I didn’t sign up for this!!!

Life has not turned out as you wanted it to. The trouble is you can get stuck in that protest place and feel miserable and never free yourself to grieve.

Or you can choose to grieve and transform the disappointment.

Some people have learned to transform. They take life as it comes and roll with the punches. They can manage with uncertainty. But for most of us, we have yet to learn this lesson and disappointment, coupled with surprise or shock, leads to grief at the loss of our expected life.

Learning to accept the uncertainty of life allows you to:

• See things as they really are. This allows you to understand life better.

• See opportunities you didn’t realise were there.

• Feel more at peace and comfortable as you switch your attention to what you have instead of what you want and don’t have.

Grief Is About Every Loss In Life

Grief is not just about losing someone you love. Anything in life that is lost, be it a limb, friendship, home, job, life expectation and so on is a loss that you grieve.

The fact that these losses are not recognised as things that are grieved for, makes it harder to grieve.

Examples of big losses in life that need to be grieved for are:

• Having a child born with severe disabilities that changes the expectations you had for the life of that child. You may love that child and determine to always support them, but you still grieve for the lost expectation.

• Future plans to retire and enjoy life changes when your partner becomes very ill and you have to be their full time carer.

• Losing a much loved and valued job.

Grieving Is A Skill

Grieving is a skill that you can learn. People who experience a lot of grief often learn the skills to allow them to process their grief faster.

Whatever the cause of your grief, remember that it is normal. The normal trajectory of grief is that over time the grief diminishes and becomes less. You also start to discover meaning in your life again.

How Long Does Grief Last And Is It Always This Intense?

To answer this question, I am going to ask some questions of you first.

What Was Your Relationship To What Or Who You Have Lost?

If your emotional needs were primarily met by the one you have lost then you are going to need to find someone to meet those needs.

Initially a counsellor can help with that. You can also join a grief support group. In the long term you need to find ways to get those emotional needs met.

How Supportive Is Your Social Network?

The strong supportive social network helps you meet your emotional needs and is there to support you when you need help.

Do You Have Meaningful Activities In Your Life That Are Not Affected By Your Loss?

Having activities in place that are meaningful for you will help you continue with your life.

Part of grieving involves finding new meaning in your life. Having some meaning already can help shorten that process. For some people, their loss changes their life priorities. If that is you, then you may find you need to seek new ways of finding meaning in life.

How Counsellors Help

The biggest way I help people is to allow them to talk to me without any judgement or “fixing” from me. Being able to express your feelings in a safe place allows you to process them better. You can contextualise your grief better with counselling. You can also organise your grief better so that it is more manageable.

So What Does This Have To Do With The Grief Of Lost Expectations?

One thing to consider when you grieve lost expectations is to identify where they came from.

Society is great at teaching you what you should expect from life.

From birth you are introduced to concepts of the ideal life. From the story books you have read to you, to the children’s television programs. These all teach you expectations of what life will be.

As you grow up you observe what people around you are doing. You learn to expect your life to be like that of others. Older people in your life teach you this too. Maybe they talk about what you will grow up to be. There are expectations that you will have a job when you grow up. Expectations that you will find a life partner. Expectations that you will have children. Expectations that you will live in some sort of home.

Advertisements, movies, television series, the conversations of those around us. All these give you a picture of the life you should expect to live.

So where in this perfect picture does a disabled child fit? Or a partner requiring your care? Or you becoming disabled and needing to be cared for? Or losing that wonderful job that means so much to you?

All these things are contrary to what you learned to expect in life. All lead to grief. All need to be grieved.

Life Wasn’t Meant To Be Easy

That may be some put down by a politician, or a platitude thrown at you by someone uncomfortable with your struggles. But the reality is that all life contains suffering. Some people may get a lot more than others, but all will experience some.

If you allow it to, suffering can teach you things.

You may find good people who help you when you didn’t expect that to happen.

You may discover strengths you didn’t realise you had.

You may learn to appreciate life more.

You may find a different way of living that suits you better.

Expectations Around Your Latter Years

For many people I see whose long-term relationships break down once they are over the age of 50 there is often a lot of grief around the future. When you have been in a relationship with someone long term there is that expectation of a future together.

As the Beatles suggested in “When I’m 64” there is the expectation of being in the relationship forever and growing old together. What happens to that? Will you grow old alone? What does that mean for your quality of life? Will you have no one to care for you? No one to notice if you fall? No one to be there should you die at home? What about money? How will you survive? Will you actually have a home to live in? Or will you end up homeless?
These are very real concerns. So Grief is complicated by fears for safety and companionship in the future.

The Value Of Problem Solving

A lot of these lost expectations revolve around what you imagine will give you happiness.

But what if happiness, true happiness, is found elsewhere?

Researchers have found that people who solve problems in their lives report greater happiness and sense of agency than those who don’t solve problems.

That may sound strange but it makes sense.

If you encounter a problem in life it can feel very disempowering. But if you work out how to resolve that problem then you feel good.

Working through your grief and learning how to solve the problems that grief has caused is empowering and builds happiness.

How To Engage Problem Solving

So you had a picture of what your future would be like.

What was that picture?

How has it changed?

What is missing from that picture now?

You have identified what is missing. Now you know what you have lost.

Was what you thought the future would be like realistic? After all, we all imagine amazing things, but they rarely happen. And we are usually fine with that because on some level we know they were unrealistic. Also that realisation usually unfolds slowly, not abruptly when something major happens.

Identifying the unrealistic expectations can help with being able to let go of them.

What you are left with are the expectations that were more realistic. Maybe they were long cherished dreams that are now shattered. These are the ones you need to grieve. Because you put in the work to identify these deep losses, it is actually more manageable to work through them. That doesn’t mean it will be easy, but it is now a more manageable size.

You may be able to work through these losses on your own or you may need help.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grieving your losses in life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au