Saying Goodbye – PLC Blog

When I was a child, my mother believed it was important for children to have pets because when they died it introduced children to the concept of death.

That is true. But there was no recognition in my mother’s plan of the fact that losing a pet is a grief as devastating as losing a human you love.

So pets died, but it was just like putting packaging from food in the bin. Gone now, what are you upset about?

That was the way that generation dealt with things. This was in the time when it was believed that you had to immediately put the one who had died out of your mind. It was considered unhealthy to grieve.

Death was not talked about, whether pets or humans. The subject was taboo.

To grieve was to be mentally unwell.

Pets Matter

There is a need to acknowledge the death of a pet and to allow yourself the opportunity to grieve for it. It is also important to assist children in the family to grieve for that pet.

If the death of the family pet is the first time a child has encountered death, it is very important this death is handled well. This death and the grief following is a blue print for every death the child will encounter in life.

Preparing Your Children For The Death of a Pet

If the pet dies of old age it is important to acknowledge through the years that the pet is getting older. You can talk about the average life span of your type of pet which sets realistic expectations of how long the pet will live for.

Most pets will die before us, so it is important to acknowledge that and then to acknowledge when they get older.

If your pet is ill it is important to acknowledge that as well and be honest about its chances of surviving this illness. It is okay to not be sure and to be honest about that.

Should Your Child Be Present When the Pet Dies?

This will depend on the age of your child and the way the pet dies. If it is ill and you sit with it as it dies, your child may find it comforting to pat the animal and comfort it.

If your pet is being euthanised your vet may have rules around what age child they are comfortable allowing to be present. It is more confronting to be with a pet that dies this way. If the vet is okay with your child being present, then you need to decide whether you think they have the maturity to cope with this.

Should Your Child See Their Dead Pet?

It can be helpful for a child to see their pet’s body and say goodbye. They may want to hold the pet, touch it or just spend time with it.

What Does “Handling Your Pet Death Well” Look Like?

When a pet dies it is important to involve the entire family in this in an age-appropriate way.

Some people like to have a small ceremony to say goodbye, others may light a candle. Many people put a framed photo of the pet somewhere special. Planting a plant is also special. Some people cremate their pet and scatter the ashes in its favourite place. You may set up a memory box with your pet’s accessories and photos of your pet.

It is important to remember that losing a pet can be traumatic for a child. This is more likely to happen when the child has not encountered death before.

The death of a beloved pet can be confusing and hard to understand. Children are likely to feel sad and may have other feelings such a guilt or even anger.

There are books that you can read with your children to help them with the death of a pet. These books are lovely to read and also offer opportunities to talk about the lost pet.

Books To Read About Pet Death

This is a selection of books that are available. Your local library may have more books.

The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr – about a goldfish who loses his friend. For younger children

Missing Jack by Rebecca Elliott – about a young boy saying goodbye to his pet cat. For younger children.

I’ll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm – about a dog that doesn’t wake up one morning.

Goodbye Mog by Judith Kerr – this beautiful book was a favourite with my children when they were younger. Mog grows old and tired and dies. Her spirit stays around to check up on her family.

The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst is about a boy who writes a list of 10 good things about his cat and how that helps him remember and celebrate the positive memories and accept the reality of Barney’s death.

Dog Heaven and Cat Heaven by Cynthia Rylant – two books covering the death of a dog and a cat.

Jim’s Dog Muffins by Miriam Cohen – the entire class help Jim cope with the loss of his dog. For school aged children.

Goodbye Mousie by Robie H Harris – the emotions of losing a pet. Great for preschoolers.

Saying Goodbye to Lulu by Corrine Demas – the story of a dog who dies of old age. Reassures the reader that in time the pain will ease.

Jasper’s Day by Marjorie Blain Parker – this is helpful if your dog has been euthanised by the vet.

The Forever Dog by Bill Cochran and Dan Andreasen – about the dog that was forever.

The Berenstain Bears Lose a Friend by Stan and Jan Berenstain – about the death of a goldfish. Great to remind children that not all pets are dogs and cats.

Paw Prints in the Stars: A Farewell and Journal for a Beloved Pet by Warren Hanson – this is a story and a journal children can fill out to create their own story about their pet.

What Not To Say

Saying that you can always get another pet is not helpful. It minimises the relationship the other person has with their pet. In time the other person may get another pet, but when they are ready.

Ways To Honour Your Pet

It is important to share stories of your pet’s funny moments.

Be prepared always to offer hugs and be patient with the way your child grieves. If they cry allow them to. Be prepared to listen when they want to talk.

Putting together a book of memories of your pet is also a wonderful way to remember them.

An Example of How To Manage The Death of a Pet

My beautiful dog died two years ago at the age of 18. He had been part of the family since he was 10 weeks old. My children had grown up with him.

As he aged and his health started to fail I kept my now grown-up children informed of his deteriorating health.

When the time came to make the decision to end his suffering I discussed this with all my children and we made the decision together. Then two of my children came with us to the vet and were with him as he died.

In the aftermath we had many times where we talked about him and shared memories of him. His photo, with footprint and lock of fur, sits in the house and we often talk about him. We honour his birthday as well.

So many people I know have done the same when their beloved pet died. If the children are younger it may not be so appropriate to include them in the decision, but if possible you can let them know what is happening.

If the pet becomes ill and the decision is made on the spot to euthanise it, then it won’t be possible to include other family members.

It is important to let them know, preferably in person, and allow them time to react to the news. When they react, honour their feelings.

It is the same principle with the death of a relative. In addition there will often be photos or other memories in the house. Their ashes may also be placed somewhere special in the house. People will also talk about them.

Ways Not To Honour Your Pet

I contrast this to when I was a child and a kitten died while I was at school. When I came home it just wasn’t there. I don’t know what happened to it and it was never talked about again.

Another person I know was told their dog has run away, when it had in fact died. They were distressed looking for the animal and wanting to put up signs about the dog and door knock the local area. They couldn’t understand why their family weren’t interested in looking for the dog. It was a long time before they overheard mention of the dog having died.

Having To Leave Your Pet Behind

A neighbour moving into aged care and having to find a home for her dog reminded me of the difficulties people who are getting older and less capable of caring for themselves have to contend with.

Here is a beloved companion who you can’t take into aged care with you. For many people, their pet has become their constant companion. It gives them a reason to get up in the morning. It is a loving presence that helps you to feel you matter and there is someone there for you.

It is just as difficult if you have to move house and are unable to keep your pet anymore. This is the end of a relationship and you need to grieve for the relationship with the pet and honour it.

You will wonder how your pet is and if it remembers you and misses you. You may also wonder how well it is being cared for.

Those questions are ones you are unlikely to have answered and that is hard. It adds another dimension to the grief you feel at having to leave them behind.

It is important to acknowledge those questions and that sadness. There is always a balance between dwelling on something too much and acknowledging it. The main thing is to admit you have those concerns. Allow yourself to feel sad, then move on with your day. Ultimately you have to trust that your pet has been well cared for.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your child with the death or surrender of a pet, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

In learning to live with the loss of someone you love, two of the most difficult aspects of that loss are often the ones people get stuck in.

The first is being able to accept the reality of your loss. This is often referred to as Denial of the loss, but it is a misnomer.

The second is being able to reach a point of acceptance, often referred to as the Good Bye.

Denial

When I use the word denial, I am not referring to you refusing to accept your loved one is dead. Denial is referring to the sense of unreality around the death.

The death of anyone you love is incredibly hard to conceptualise. Your brain just can’t handle the enormity of what has happened.

Additionally, your brain is still hard wired to connection with the person who is dead. How can you comprehend that person’s death if your brain is still searching for that connection?

What Denial Feels Like

When you are trying to comprehend the death of someone you are quite likely to feel numb. You may be paralysed with shock.

You may feel the world has lost all meaning. You may feel overwhelmed. You may feel life is not making sense.

Earlier I talked about the enormity of what your brain has to take on. This protects you from overwhelming emotions and allows them to be titrated as you are able to cope with them.

A Personal Experience

I remember the unreality of my grandmother dying. It was the first time I had encountered death and I couldn’t get my 12 year old mind around it.

I remember asking myself what death meant. From my perspective it would mean she would never ring us again. There would never be the jokes about how loud she was on the phone (a result of a husband with very poor hearing). It would also mean I would never be able to visit her again, or hear her talk, or see her. It would no longer be Nanna and Pa. It would just be my grandfather on his own. I felt like a massive hole had opened in my life and I didn’t know how to fill it.

When You Aren’t There To Say Goodbye

When my grandfather died I was 19 and had seen a lot of death as a student nurse. I wasn’t there when he died and could only comprehend he was dead when I went to see his body. I just needed to see him.

Everyone has their way of comprehending the death of someone they love. It is a lot to get your head around.

Accepting Means Letting Go

In all my years as a nurse, and as a counsellor, I have never met anyone who didn’t want to believe. They struggled to comprehend, most definitely, but they never denied the loss.

However, some people struggle to let go of the one who has died. They hold on to the person’s possessions, they avoid places that remind them of the person who died, they refuse to visit the grave or release their ashes.

These can all be signs of being stuck in denial. This comes under the term Prolonged Grief. It is where the grief process gets stuck in one area. This is when professional grief counselling is important.

How To Look After Yourself

If you find yourself in the awful situation of losing someone you love, be gentle with yourself. Don’t rush to acknowledge the grief and run on as though nothing has happened.

Allow yourself time to sit with the reality of what has happened and let that reality slowly sink in.

Be ready to let go of their belongings at a time that is right for you. Some rush to do it, others hold on to them for a long time. Be okay with taking your time to attend to those tasks.

Be prepared for the fresh grief as you attend to the handing over of belongings, visiting the grave site, spreading the ashes and all the other tasks that need to be attended to when someone dies.

Be ready to open your connection to your loss and face your feelings about it. Don’t hesitate to seek help if you need someone with you at those stages.

Acceptance: The Act Of Saying Goodbye.

It can be very hard accepting the death of a loved one when their death was particularly traumatic for you.

I have seen many people stuck in the horror of the pain experienced by their love one. For others the stuckness comes at the speed with which the person went from living to dead.

Their age also is a factor and your relationship to them. I have spoken to many parents trying to comprehend the death of their child because that death is out of the natural order of things. You are supposed to bury your parents and your children are supposed to bury you. But when it happens out of order with you burying your child, that is so hard to comprehend.

If the one you love died a long way away and you weren’t able to see them before they died, or you couldn’t be at the funeral, then it is hard accepting the death. Not only that, it is hard to comprehend the fact of their death when all you have is words spoken over a telephone or contained in an email.

A Personal Experience

When my husband’s Aunt died we were living on the other side of the world. I found a days old email in an unused email account stating she had died. It was a shock to both of us. We never knew when she was buried. It took years to learn what caused her death. It was hard for my husband to understand she had died.

It wasn’t just this Aunt. When he was a child another Aunt died. His parents decided he was too young to see her before she died or attend her funeral. He was about 10 at the time. He grieved for the fact he never had the chance to say goodbye.

Many years later another Aunt died and he was in a position to go to the funeral. We decided he would go and grieve for the Aunt who died when he was a child, for the Aunt who died when we were living overseas and this Aunt who had just died. It was an important opportunity for him to accept and say goodbye to all these women who had meant so much to him in life.

When Death Is Difficult

Another way the good bye can be delayed can be when the person who dies has died a difficult death. I have worked with many people who are stuck in the pain their loved one suffered. Acceptance of the death can be hard because the one left behind finds their death too traumatic to accept.

When a death is traumatic like that it can be very hard to move past those painful last hours. I often find helping the person to switch their focus to their earlier life with the person can be really helpful. Remembering the happy times, before the trauma of their death, can switch the focus to the person and their life, rather than the moments of their death.

When someone dies, you are saying goodbye to every moment you had together, not just the moment of their death. When you are caught up in their death, it can be hard to remember that.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with any aspect of your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Category: Saying Goodbye

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