If you read my blogs regularly, you will by now be familiar with the fact that grief is not a sequential process with and end point. It goes on for the rest of your life.
The intensity of the pain will lessen in intensity and frequency over time, but there will still be days when you are hit by the pain.
Sub heading How To Manage Those Difficult Days
The following are ways people report have helped them:
1. Comfort Kit.
This kit is a special box or bag that can be placed somewhere easy to access.
Put in it things that you find comforting. Popular items include candles, bath oils, art supplies, a cuddly toy.
This box is about doing something special for you as you feel low. To give you love and a warm hug of comfort.
What can you put in your comfort kit?
2. Important Lists To Assist
By this I mean the following:
• Put together a playlist of favourite uplifting songs. Don’t add sad songs to the list, those songs are for other times. This list is about listening to songs that soothe and encourage.
• Keep an updated list of people you can talk to on those bad days. This should be composed of people who will give you the support, love and encouragement you need on those bad days.
• Have a list of movement activities. These are things you can do to get you up and moving. This can include places to walk, something to dance to, some yoga exercises to practise, work you can do in the garden. Anything that gets you moving in an enjoyable way (so don’t decide to tackle a massive weed pile in the garden unless you get great joy out of tackling that).
• A feel good list. This is a list of things you enjoy doing that make you feel good. This might involve funny movies, inspiriting books, comfort food, friends to visit who make you feel good, animals you love to see and so on.
• Getting out in nature list. Ideas of things you can do out in nature. Research proves the value of nature – be it the bush or the beach. These are places you can go to feel better. Maybe it is to go on a hike, walk along a favourite beach, sit in a park, listen to birds, whale watch, swim. The list is endless.
• Positive sayings or affirmations: On your good days, collects sayings and affirmations. When you are having a bad day get them out and read through them. They can be as simple as: “ It’s okay to cry”, “This will pass” “It is okay to be sad” “It is okay to have a sad day” “It is okay to take time out to honour your pain”.
• Places you can go to care for yourself: This can include a place you find comforting, places you can visit, tourist ideas you have never visited in your local area, going to a retreat to reflect and be pampered. Places that feed your soul.
Which of these lists would you find useful? Make those lists today.
3. Daily Gratitude Journal.
This is a preventative measure. The ideas is that you have a special journal where you write 10 things you are grateful for every day. Write your list then read it out aloud and say “Thank you, thank you, thank you” after each list item. Remember small things can be on that list, not just spectacular things. You can be grateful for you feet because they support you as you go about your day. You can be grateful for the food you eat. You can be grateful for family members. You can be grateful for your home, even furniture in your home.
The other use for a gratitude list is that you can take it our on your bad days and read it.
As well as a gratitude journal, I also have a gratitude jar. I write things on a piece of paper that I am grateful for. I write at least once a week and add items on other days if something amazing happens.
4. Grief Support Groups You Can Reach Out To.
Many people find going to a grief support group, joining a live group online, joining a social media group is helpful. They report the benefits of seeking support from those groups on their bad days provides great comfort.
5. Ask For Help List.
There are times when you may need the support of a grief counsellor. Having a list of counsellors in your local area makes it easier for you to ring to arrange an appointment.
Time For Action
Now is the time to write down your plan of action for your next difficult day.
What will you put in that plan?
Are you going to assemble your comfort box?
Have you written some lists of things to do?
Have you considered some of the other things you can do to support you on those bad days?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your bad days, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When I talk to people about all things having an energy, even inanimate objects, they often look at me as though I am weird. But do you know that Albert Einstein theorised this very thing? Quantum science has now proven Einstein’s theory by using sensitive instruments to measure the energy objects give off.
Nikola Tesla, who pioneered modern electrical systems spoke of the understanding of the Universe being unlocked by measuring energy, frequency and vibrations.
Energy Vibrations
Vibrations are best defined as being states of being. As the energy given off by something or someone. Vibrations exist because the atoms that are the building blocks of all things vibrate. Different types of atoms vibrate at different speeds. Even things like wood, rocks, the ground vibrate.
This is where the trendy term “vibes” comes from. The theory of all things vibrating at different frequencies.
Often that term is misused by people who don’t understand the true meaning of vibrations or the science behind them.
We Can All Sense Energy Vibrations
It is possible for animals and people to sense vibrations. We don’t consciously do it. Vibrations are part of non verbal communication. We can detect such communication without being aware we are doing it. Of course you can consciously choose to become aware of these sensations, but in reality you pick them up anyway.
You give off vibrations all the time. You can’t not do it.
I realised this many years ago when people always seemed to pick up on the days when I had a low mood, even though I deliberately suppressed it and didn’t tell others how I was feeling.
Energy Attracts Or Repels
In life those vibrations are what often attract or repel us to/from other people. It is why you may avoid a particular person when you are feeling down because you have sensed subconsciously that their negative energy will drag you down.
If you are feeling lacking in energy, or depressed, you are likely to give off lower frequency vibrations than at times when you are feeling upbeat, happy, full of energy. If you are angry the vibrations you give off will be different again.
Energy is A Vital Part of Intuition
If you pay attention to these deep seated messages, the ones that get bundled into the term “intuition”, you will become aware of the way some people attract you and others repel you.
Interestingly researchers have devised a scale for the energy levels of different emotions. The scale ranges from zero to 1,000. This is how various feelings have been ranked:
• 20 – shame
• 100 – fear
• 200 – courage, being willing to take responsibility for your own actions and feeling and also the first level of empowerment. Interesting to know that empowerment has an energy ranking!
• 500 – love
• 700 – enlightenment
Reiki, a form of energy healing, has been found to have the capacity to raise a person’s personal vibration. This also impacts on the Reiki practitioner which explains why not only my client but I also experience higher energy after I perform a Reiki healing on my client.
All Energy Levels Are Important To Experience
As with all things in life, it is important to experience the highs and the lows. Those lower energy experiences are not pleasant, but they are the place where we are able to learn, change and grow.
As part of mindfulness practice, I teach clients to pay attention to their energy levels. What am I feeling now? What is my energy? It is possible to develop awareness of your energy levels and even work at ways to improve your energy.
Once your energy starts to lift is keeps lifting. High energy attracts more energy, whereas low energy repels energy.
11 Ways To Raise Your Energy
There are 11 ways you can bring yourself out of a low energy state and into higher vibration energy.
1.Gratitude.
Making a conscious decision to see the things to be thankful for increases your energy vibrations. Remembering that at the energy vibration of 200 you are empowered, raising that energy level will lead to you feeling more powerful. Understanding that you have that control, that life is full of things to be thankful for, increases your wisdom as well.
2.Moving Your Body
Moving your body can also raise your energy vibrations. Conversely, sitting too long will drop them.
Have you ever noticed how you resist moving when you are feeling resentful and wanting to hold on to that feeling? Once you start moving through rhythmic movement it is hard to maintain that level of energy.
Dancing, especially to music is one of the most effective ways to move your body and raise those energy vibrations. You can dance at an exercise class or dance at home on your own. Research suggests that 10 minutes of moving to your favourite music will start shifting your energy vibrations upwards.
3.Eat Nutrient Dense Foods
Food has its own energy vibration. The more nutrient dense the food is, the better the energy vibration.
Have you ever noticed how weighed down you feel after indulging in a lot of junk food? Even alcohol can reduce your energy levels.
On the flip side, you may have noticed that when you eat well you feel so much lighter.
Food has a major impact on your energy vibrations.
4.Meditation
As I have already mentioned, Mindfulness meditation trains you to be aware of your body. You can better understand your own energy vibrations and be better able to address those issues that lower your energy.
5.Touch
There has been a lot of research over the past decade or so on the benefits of touch.
The finding that premature babies do better when they are touched has led to skin to skin contact with their parents becoming common practice. This has led to better outcomes and higher survival rates among these babies.
Research has also found the negative impact of the lack of touch for the elderly living in nursing homes or isolated at home.
Simply touching someone on the arm when they are distressed is comforting. If you have ever had someone do that to you then you will probably be aware of that comforting sensation. It is soothing, sends the message you are not alone and that someone cares. In fact researchers have found that touch can be a very effective pain relief.
Massage is a form of touch that is particularly powerful. It has been shown to rebalance hormones and reduce cortisol (stress hormone) levels.
Touch releases a powerful hormone often referred to as the love hormone. This hormone is oxytocin. It assists people to feel that sense of connection and safety. It also increases energy vibrations. Higher energy of course means you will feel better and happier.
6.Giving and Receiving
Withholding love, time or even making negative comments about others lowers your energy frequency. Conversely, being generous with your praise, love and time raises your energy. Making the effort to give to others generously increases what you receive as well. So everyone benefits.
7.Be with Positive People
When you spend time with friends who have a high energy it raises your energy as well. This is why it is sometimes better when you are feeling low to make the decision to go out and set the intention to enjoy yourself. That raises your energy so it doesn’t bring your friends down and their high energy raises yours. If the friends you are with understand your difficulties and want to support you then you can raise your energy higher.
8.Make the Decision to Open Your Heart.
Is there someone in your life, either now or in the past, who you loved so much that even thinking about them made you feel happy and lighter?
Did thinking about them make you feel better and that your mood lifted?
Love is one of the highest energy vibration states you can experience. When you love someone your energy is always raised and you feel on top of the world.
Loving yourself is also important. When you spend time caring for you and doing nice things for you that lifts your mood as well.
A great example of that is when you get a new outfit that you feel looks great on you. Or you get a new hairstyle and you are very happy with that. You walk out feeling on top of the world. This is self love.
9.Breathing
When life is stressful you tend to take shallow, quick breaths. This sends a message to your brain that you are in danger and increases cortisol levels in your body. The more you shallow breathe the higher the cortisol levels rise.
It is important to breathe slowly and deeply when you start to feel stressed. There are various ways you can deepen your breathing and slow it down.
• One is to breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4 and wait for 4 before taking the next breath.
• Another is to breathe in, paying attention to your tummy and chest as they rise. You may like to place a hand over your chest and another over your tummy and focus on feeling them rise as you slowly breathe in. If you are breathing properly you will feel them both rise. When you finish the in breath hold your breath for a few seconds. Then breathe out slowly through pursed lips. After a few breaths you can imagine you are breathing in peace as you breathe in and breathing out tension as you breathe out. It is a good idea to do this exercise until you feel calmer. A minimum of 10 breaths works best.
10.A Nice Warm Bath
If you like baths then you can try the old favourite of a lovely bath. Lock the door, dim the lights, light some candles and add some lovely bath oils to the water. You could even play some relaxing music.
Make sure the water is quite warm but not so hot it makes you sweat.
Water is a great energy lifter and many people find this practice relaxing and energising.
11.Be In Nature
Extensive research has shown the benefits of being in nature. Blood pressure lowers, cortisol levels lower and people feel more relaxed. Your energy levels also rise.
Even looking at pictures of nature is relaxing and energising, although no substitute for the real thing.
If you are not close to bushland then going to a park or the beach is effective.
Place your feet flat on the ground and pay attention to the feeling in the soles of your feet as you connect to the ground. Feel the energy of the earth as it enters your feet, then moves up your body. Don’t worry if you can’t feel it immediately, it can take time to learn to connect to energy.
Another thing you can do is hug or touch a tree. It is not a joke, you really can feel the energy of the tree by touching it.
Sitting listening to the sounds of the trees in the breeze, to birds, insects is calming. If you go to the beach you can stand bare foot at the ends of the water and allow the waves to gently touch your feet. Listen to the sound of the waves, the wind, and the birds.
All these things are really relaxing and energising.
If you have a garden, spending time out in the garden with your plants and the grass can also be energising.
I Practice What I Preach
I am often asked what I do to manage with the big stories and low energy of so many beautiful souls who come to see me.
Firstly I reply that it is a privilege to work with such strong survivors, battered as they are, they are determined to heal.
Second I reply that I have my own practices that keep my energy high so that I can share that energy with those who come to see me.
I do follow the 11 ways in my own life, here are some of the things I do:
• Gratitude. I have a daily practise of writing down 10 things I am grateful for at the end of each day. I also make not during the day of anything I think is wonderful and express gratitude for it. Examples of this are: a beautiful sunrise, watching the birds in my garden, seeing a dog smiling up at its owner as it is being walked, someone letting me out of the end of my street in heavy traffic, a child running around with delight and so many more. I make my entire day an opportunity to express gratitude. I also set the intention that I am not going to get annoyed by the things other people do. To counter annoyance I look for something good to say about that person. That quickly defuses any annoyance I may be feeling.
• Moving my body. I dance to music, walk through the bush, and never miss an opportunity to express my delight through movement.
• Eating nutrient dense food: I delight to eat as many wholefoods as I can, while avoiding foods high in sugar. I eat a lot of vegetables, which I love. I have learned to take the time to notice what I am eating and enjoy it, and by doing that needing less food. I love how good my body feels when I eat nutrient dense foods.
• Mindfulness and other meditation. I get up early every morning and start the day with meditation. Sometimes I listen to a guided meditation, sometimes I listen to music and focus on the music. Other times I focus on my breath. After I am finished I stretch my body then meditatively paint. As a Reiki practitioner I meditate on the 5 Reiki Principles to release my investment in staying hurt and angry, to release worry and be mindful of the present moment, to be grateful and appreciate all the wonders and blessings of life, to do my work diligently, even seemingly small insignificant tasks and to show compassion for all living things. This is a wonderful way to reset and to set the tone of the rest of the day.
• Touch. I love giving and receiving hugs. I hug my family, my dogs, my friends. I grew up in a family that never touched. Learning how to hug opened up my world in such a powerful way. I also schedule regular massages to help settle my nervous system.
• Giving and Receiving. I give compassion and acceptance to as many people as I can. When I encounter other people I choose to consider their needs and what is happening in their lives rather than find fault or take offense with what they do. When I am hurt by the things of life, or feeling overwhelmed I have a beautiful tribe of women I can turn to for support. I have learned to be very proactive in seeking help.
• Be with positive people. I have found in my life that being with the people I know who lift my energy is important. It helps that those people are such beautiful, caring people. I have also learned to not take on the negative energy of others. I also have made the decision to not have contact with people who are overwhelmingly negative and sap my energy. This is about honouring my needs and my self care.
• I choose to open my heart and risk having friendships with other people. I know that if I am burned in that relationship I will hurt and need time to feel that hurt and heal from it. But I am strong enough to survive. I will continue to risk hurt by opening myself to friendships.
• Breathing. As part of my meditative practice I focus on my breathing and on breathing deeply and slowly. Because I practice this it is easy for me to practice slowing and deepening my breathing when I am in a stressful situation.
• I do on occasion have a nice warm bath. It is a lovely way to destress.
• Be in nature. As often as I can I go out into nature. I hug trees, sit at their base, sit beside water as it runs past in creeks and cascades. I gaze at the sky, noting the clouds and the colours of the sky. I look for the moon and the different constellations of stars in the night sky. I listen for the sounds of the birds in the day and the flying foxes and owls at night. I love to walk amongst the trees and look up at their magnificence and delight in the wonder of them. Even if I can’t get out into the bush there are places near where I live where trees tower over the footpath and I can gaze up at them. It is not hard to incorporate the 11 ways to raise your energy into your life. Why not try it yourself?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to raise your energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Grief and Trauma are experienced by most people in very similar ways.
The most common ones experienced are:
• There are a lot of emotions.
• Most people experience confusion and disorientation.
• Your trust in the world may be shattered.
• You are likely to feel you have lost your understanding of who you are.
What Research Demonstrates About Journalling
Journalling has been shown by researchers to be a powerful approach to use in healing.
The act of putting thoughts, feeling and experiences on paper allows you to experience them differently.
How To Journal
What you put on paper doesn’t have to be coherent. Early on in the experience of grief you may find words impossible to put down.
This is when other ways of expressing yourself in the journal work effectively.
If you can find a Visual Art Diary that is a good note pad to use for journalling. The pages are blank and thicker than a writing diary. This allows you to use other media if you need to.
Drawing, even if it is just squiggles on the paper, can express what you have no words for.
Painting also is effective.
Some people use collage. They draw great comfort from cutting out pictures and words and sticking them on the paper.
Even if you write random words you can find that an effective way to express yourself.
The Benefits of Journalling
This journalling is a way to express and witness your grief. It allows you to see your experience from a different perspective. It can help you to realise things you may not have been aware of. It gives you a greater understanding of what you are experiencing.
Journalling is also a way to share your story with others, should you decide to show another person your journal.
The journal can also be a beautiful legacy of love.
Another benefit of journalling is that it allows you to put your thoughts where you can see them. Instead of having those thoughts playing over and over again in your mind, you can put them on paper. Putting those thoughts on paper is a wonderful way to release them, to allow yourself to look at them from a different perspective and maybe see them differently.
The 6 benefits of Journalling:
It helps you to process your grief.
It gives what you are feeling a structure. You may name what you are experiencing and that naming of the feeling is important for processing it. In addition it gives you permission to experience that feeling, whereas you may have pushed it aside had you not taken the time to put it on paper.
Grief and trauma happen to you and are out of your control. When you put your feelings on paper you gain control over those feelings and your life.
By putting your experience on paper you change the story. I have written before about the stories we tell ourselves in life. You get to write the story of your grief and journalling allows you to do that.
Journalling allows you to step back, even if just a little. This allow you to see the whole story of your grief. It allows you to move on from parts of your story that you may be stuck in.
Journalling helps you to acknowledge and experience your feelings. Putting your experience on paper allows you to feel seen and heard. If you show others they can understand better that you are going through. They can discover things you may struggle to put into words.
Can I Help?
Sometimes you may not have anyone to witness your grief. Or you may find that other people don’t understand. Or you may feel you are not grieving ‘properly’ and need guidance and reassurance. This is where seeing a grief trained counsellor can help.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and/or trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
A big problem for many people I see is unprocessed emotional pain. A large volume of unprocessed emotional pain.
It is not surprising given the belief in our society that you should just push those “bad” feelings down and ignore them.
If you didn’t grow up in a family that supported you experiencing that pain and learning how to process it, then you will be unlikely to know how to process it.
Emotional Pain Is Not Bad
Some mental health approaches pathologise the experiencing of emotional pain. As a result they teach the suppression of emotional pain.
This belief and teaching fails to understand the roots of some pain. Unprocessed emotional pain that has been with you for a long time will continue to be with you until it is processed.
You will not be able to process emotional pain until you have developed the courage, strength and skills to stay with those overwhelming emotions until they are fully processed.
Emotional Pain As The Monster Under The Bed
A lot of people tell me they fear those emotions. I can understand that. A lot of these unprocessed emotions relate to childhood.
A child needs to be taught how to process emotions. If they aren’t taught then those frightening emotions are impossible to process. The child learns to fear those emotions because they seem insurmountable.
If you add to that difficulty a family that actively encourages the suppression of emotions, even punishes family members for feeling emotions, then that fear becomes terrifying and deep seated.
The Pain Body
In his book “A New Earth” Eckhart Tolle describes the ‘pain body’. This is the “energy of old but still very-much-alive emotion that lives in almost every human being.”
The pain of old traumas is often described as energy because of the way this pain crops up again and again. The pain is actually stress or trauma that has never been processed so remains in the body. When that stress or trauma was initially experienced the nervous system became dysregulated and the emotions felt at the time became trapped in the body. Things can trigger the memories around this stress or trauma and you are again feeling the old pain.
Not Feeling Into The Body
Unprocessed pain can cause you to fear emotions and their associated feelings. To avoid experiencing what is feared you stop feeling into your body at all. The body becomes a scary place where emotional monsters lurk.
If you can’t feel into your body, you can’t release the pain and you can’t feel safe and relaxed. In order to relax you need to be able to feel your inner body. That means you have to be prepared to feel the feelings there.
Actions Are Trapped In Your Body
Many somatic therapists talk about the actions trapped in our bodies.
Peter A Levine, the developer of Somatic Experiencing and author of many books including ‘Waking the Tiger’, speaks of the experience of animals chased by predators and escaping. After the animal has escaped the predator it shakes its body to release the energy still in the body that allowed it to escape. He likens it to our need to release that excess energy after a fight/flight event. This allows the energy to be released from our bodies.
Eckhart Tolle also talks about releasing energy from stress. He tells the story of two ducks getting into a fight. After they are finished they move away from each other and flap their wings several times. Then they continue on as though nothing has happened. The ducks are also releasing the excess energy.
The Problem Of Holding On To Experiences Instead Of Releasing Them
We humans tend to hold on to these experiences. Instead of the release actions of the animal that has escaped a predator or the duck that has just finished a fight, we hold on to the fight or the escape.
Humans create narratives of events and the escape and fight get woven into our narratives. If the opportunity to process the events and release them does not happen, the events are kept alive and ongoing by continuing to tell the story, even to ourselves.
Remembering Events But Releasing The Energy
We need to remember events. This is how our brain keeps us safe by remembering dangerous situations and alerting us to similarities in situations. The problem arises when we continue to think of the events as ongoing, instead of past events.
The way forward is to learn how to regulate emotions.
Learn not to fear experiencing the emotions. That you can do this and actually those monster emotions are not massive, overwhelming giants, but mild little critters that are quite manageable.
Once you learn how to regulate and that those emotions are not as scary as you thought they were, you can then learn to be kind to your body. You can learn to be present and have confidence in your strength and ability to process painful feelings and emotions.
You can also learn that difficult emotions can be temporarily destabilising. That they may need attention to work through them. But they can be worked through and you can emerge stronger in the knowledge that you have the skills to process your emotions.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you learn not to fear your emotions and to process them, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In the current world there is a general belief that if an emotion is too hard you just suppress it. Force it under.
One of the main styles of therapy that is presented as “the correct way” to be and to operate tells you that these uncomfortable thoughts and emotions are faulty and wrong. You just have to work harder. You have to will harder. You can over come this.
But the truth is all the will in the world will not heal those uncomfortable thoughts and emotions.
I Failed Magic Wand Class
I see a lot of people who come to me for that style of therapy. They think it will be like a magic wand that I wave and in a few sessions they will be all fixed.
If only it were so.
The Myth Of Instant Gratification
We all want things to be achieved instantly.
Instead of working hard at following a correct diet and activity regime, we want to take a pill to lose weight.
Instead of working through those uncomfortable emotions. Instead of allowing time for those emotions to heal. Instead of allowing time for our brains to make the necessary changes to heal. Instead of doing all this we want it to be better instantly.
Having to work at something is hard and in this modern world with instant everything working at something is not what we have been taught to expect or have to do.
So maybe you come to me expecting instant results.
The Reality Of Healing
Sometimes the difficulty you are experiencing can be resolved with one or two counselling sessions.
Other times the difficulty will need longer.
Maybe your expectations have been raised by the passion for “the correct way”. You expect I will tell you what is wrong with you and you will do some homework and exercises and keep them up and you will be all better.
After all, it is so much easier to push things down and pretend they don’t exist than deal with them.
Isn’t it?
The Lure Of Running From Those Uncomfortable Feelings
So you run from those uncomfortable feelings. But they come after you.
So you run from them with alcohol, or cigarettes, or drugs or other addictions.
That works for a while, until the effects wear off. Then what do you do?
Running Is Like The Scab Over A Cut
As a former Registered Nurse, I liken the suppressing of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings to a scab that has formed over a cut.
You cut yourself, it hurts and it bleeds. Your body starts work immediately, defending from infection and commencing healing. First you will see a scab form. Ah! Its getting better.
But is it?
If all goes well, the scab forms, healing occurs underneath and the scab eventually falls off to reveal healed skin underneath.
But it doesn’t always go well.
Under that scab there is an infection. Pus forms and is trapped underneath the scab. That cut hurts. That cut is not healing as you thought it should.
The pus builds up. The cut hurts more.
I watched a colleague once remove the scab on a man’s leg. Her comment is so relevant here.
“I never trust a scab. It hides things that shouldn’t be there.”
She had noticed the signs of infection under the scab.
Scab removed, the cut was able to be cleaned and the infection cleared up. Not overnight, but over a matter of days with continued cleansing until the infection was cleared.
Counselling is like that.
Healing Requires Work and Time
If you want to resolve those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings you need to work at them.
I am not going to tell you that your thoughts are “faulty”. They aren’t.
I am not going to instruct you to not think about them. I will help you examine them to find what lies underneath them.
I may not seem to be “working” with you, but I am.
I Trust You To Be Able To Heal, Maybe With Help
I trust you as a person to have the ability to heal those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings with my assistance.
By assistance I mean that I will help you identify what is actually going on. I will tell you that what you are experiencing is a normal way for your brain to respond to your circumstances. Then I will help you work with your brain as it heals.
I will help you understand the unconscious parts of your brain that you cannot control consciously. I will help you heal those, which will often involve feeling into your body as well as allowing your brain to express itself through art, sand play, movement or other expressive methods.
I will tell you that things take time. Because your brain can’t rebuild new neural circuits overnight. Expect a few months at least.
I Don’t Use A Magic Wand
Whatever you do, don’t be like the people who come expecting me to wave my magic wand and make you all better in one session. See the start of progress, no matter how slight, as the wonderful evidence that healing has started.
And don’t tell your children they just need some “strategies” to cope with those painful thoughts and emotions when what they actually need is compassion and understanding that what is happening in their life hurts and it is okay to hurt.
Soldiering On Doesn’t Work
Wanting to be able to just “soldier on” was a wonderful marketing ploy for a drug company selling cold and flu tablets. We apply solider on to everything, including emotional pain. But there is no instant fix and even the “soldier on” message has been shown to be the worst treatment for those colds and flu.
Allow time. If you need to see a counsellor expect it to not be instant and be very wary of someone who tells you your thoughts are “faulty”.
In The Next Blog
I mentioned the pain of dealing with painful thoughts and emotions.
In the past few weeks I have seen a lot of people who have struggled with other people inadvertently causing them pain through their questions.
How are you? To the person struggling to cope with the death of their partner.
What is your job? To the person just made redundant.
What do your parents do? To the teenager who is grieving the death of their father.
These seemingly innocent comments can cause a lot of pain. So what can you do to avoid those foot in mouth blunders?
I will talk more about this in my next blog.t
Can I Help?
In the meantime, if you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your thoughts and feelings, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Grief is a very difficult feeling to explain. Although there are similarities in the way people grieve, there are also differences. Each person grieves in their own unique way.
How you grieve depends on your life experiences, your relationship to the person who has died, what else is happening in your life and what you have been taught about grief.
Grief Is Inescapable
The important thing to remember is that Grief is real. It is not something to be pushed away or run away from.
It is not something you can drink away, smoke away, drug away, shop away or any other activity you can devise to hide from it.
Grief is.
Grief Impacts Your Brain
Neuroscientists studying grief have found that grief activates the same areas of the brain activated by physical pain. In other words, emotional pain causes the same pain reaction in the brain as physical pain.
Grief also triggers the brain’s fight or flight defensive areas. This results in you being alert and restless. It also causes you to feel exhausted as your brain doesn’t allow you to rest.
I Can’t Get The Circumstances Out Of My Mind
People who grieve often talk about the constant churning of the events of their loved one’s death over and over in their mind.
This is something that is often reported as being unhealthy. Replaying events in the brain is something that people are often told is bad and must be stopped.
But replaying the events of a painful experience such as bereavement is essential for the brain to process what has happened.
I am not saying that you keep going over and over the events forever. But you do need to allow them to replay and be resolved.
Memories Usually Lessen Over Time
Those memories should start to lessen over time. You might not think them as often. You might find the memories are less painful. That means your brain is processing them and resolving them.
If those memories don’t lessen. If you still are troubled by the high frequency of the memories. If you feel things are not resolving then you may need help from a grief counsellor.
The Uncertainty Of The Grief World
It is important to remember that the fight or flight response in the brain is triggered by the disruption of grief. All that you knew, all that seemed certain, has been devastated. You are in the grip of uncertainty and that is scary. You will most likely feel unsafe.
In some instances you may be financially impacted by the grief. That in itself is scary.
It is really important to allow others who you feel safe with to financially support you.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
As an adult, you have an advantage in grieving. That advantage is your brain development.
All things being equal, by the time your brain is fully developed (around age 25) you have learned how to process grief. If you haven’t encountered grief before, hopefully you have learned to seek help in processing your grief.
Children’s Brains Struggle To Process Grief
For a child, the lack of brain development means that processing grief is very difficult.
For an undeveloped brain, comprehending death and the existential issues around it, is extremely difficult. Adults struggle with this. So children will struggle even more without the tools yet to be developed to help them.
Grief In Children Resurfaces At Each Developmental Stage.
The younger the child, the more undeveloped will be their ability to process their grief. It is now known that grief in children will resurface at different stages in their childhood and even into adult life.
It is important to be aware of these difficulties and be ready to support your child.
The developing brain is learning. That is how the brain develops. But without support, the brain cannot learn. The brain needs to learn how to process Grief.
Attending To The Trauma Of Grief
Grief is a trauma. It is dysregulating. A child experiencing grief will be thrown into a major fight/flight/freeze stress response. They will also lose their connection to others and feel very isolated and alone.
Many people think they just have to sit their child down and talk to them and that will help. But a dysregulated brain can’t learn or reason so talking to a child in this situation will not work.
The 3 Steps
There are 3 steps to reaching your child and helping them to learn how to process their grief.
The steps are as follows:
Step 1. Regulate
The first thing you need to do with your child is help them regulate their fight/flight/freeze response and become calmer.
One of the best ways to do this is to be as calm as you can. Research has shown that children cope well with traumatic events when their parents remain relatively calm and can maintain as much as possible regular routines. The main thing is that your child feels safe. They need to feel that you can still protect them. In a world that has just fallen apart with the loss of someone important, knowing you are still there is vital.
Do the best you can
Obviously, if you are grieving as well, it is going to be hard to regulate yourself. You are likely to be crying and finding it hard to focus.
This is the pain of parenting. There are times when you have to put your own needs aside to attend to the needs of your children. It is natural for you to do that, and it may be necessary. But don’t put off attending to your own needs for long. It is okay to be crying when you seek to regulate your child.
After all, your child needs to see you grieving to learn it is okay to be sad and cry, but life still goes on.
One of the best ways to regulate is to hold your child. That helps them to feel safe and also gives you a sense of safety as well.
Step 2. Relate
Holding your child is part of the next step as well.
You help your child to regulate, to feel safer and still cared for.
Now you help them by establishing a connection. Holding your child will help them feel connected to you. This will mean they feel less isolated and alone.
Being Attuned To Your Child
Relating also involved being attuned to your child and their needs. It means you will stop and seek to understand what your child is thinking and feeling. Depending on their age, this may involve (when appropriate) making a general statement such as:
“It is really sad and frightening that x has died.”
This would work best for a young child who may still be learning to understand their emotions. Acknowledging what you sense they are experiencing helps them to feel understood.
For an older child you may ask them what they are feeling. Or you may wonder if they are feeling sad because you are.
It is important to not hide your feelings and allow your child to see you are sad too but that your sadness won’t stop you caring for them.
Be Attuned For A Long Time
Remember that I earlier mentioned that grief in children takes longer and is revisited at each developmental stage.
It is important to keep that in mind. Even after the initial period of adjustment to death your child will continue to grieve.
Always make sure you seek to understand your child. This maintains a connection between the two of you and is also comforting for your child. An attuned parent is one who provides safety and security. Something all children need, but grieving children need it more.
Step 3. Reason
Once your child is regulated and secure in their relationship with you, you can then reason with them.
You can support your child to express their feelings should they want to. You can support your child according to their developmental stage to reflect, learn, remember, articulate and learn how to live with their loss.
How Do I Support My Child To Learn?
There are many aids you can use to help you support your child through their grief. These aids will help them to learn healthy ways of processing grief. This will serve them well now and in later life with other losses.
There are many age-appropriate books you can read to your child. Your local library is a good source of these. If you send your child to a counsellor many will have these resources as well. I have a range of books I use with younger children.
For teenagers, who are already exploring the more existential issues of life as part of their teen development, a more existential approach that emphasises philosophical discussions mixed with some helpful facts about grief and its impacts is really helpful.
Can I Help?
Sometimes you and/or your child/ren will need help from a grief trained counsellor. It can be very helpful to learn what is normal in grieving both for yourself and your child. If you need help, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
The definition of family enmeshment is that family members are excessively involved in each other’s lives and find it hard, even impossible, to set boundaries. There is a strong desire to maintain close relationships, which in itself is not bad, but it has negative impacts.
It is like several lengths of wool, each representing a family member. The wool strands become tangled into masses of knots. With an enmeshed family each person in the family becomes entangled and the needs and identities of each individual get lost.
Enmeshed Families And Close Families Are Different.
This doesn’t mean that families can’t be close and healthy. There are families where family members are close. These families have strong bonds. The members of the family care for each other.
The difference between a close family and an enmeshed family is that in the close knit family there is respect of each individual and their personal space and independence. Individuals within a close family are encouraged to grow and make their own choices. There is no pressure for people to do things they don’t want to.
In the enmeshed family there is a blurring of the boundaries between individuals within the family. It becomes difficult for a member of such a family to make a decision or even have their own thoughts and feelings. Members of enmeshed families feel unable to make choices that the family won’t approve of, even when they really want to do something.
Are Enmeshed Families Codependent?
It is often believed that enmeshed families are in codependent relationship with each other. Certainly co-dependency and enmeshment are related and can happen in family relationships as well as other relationships but there is a difference.
Enmeshment is when two or more people become so involved in each other’s lives, relationships and decision making that they are unable to act autonomously. This has a negative effect on the mental health of the enmeshed people.
Codependent relationships are where two people, such as those in a romantic relationship, friends, parent and child rely on the other for emotional support, acceptance or identity.
Co-dependency may exist in an enmeshed family but then again it may not.
Cultural Impact Of Enmeshment.
In different cultures families can act differently. If the culture is one of autonomy and independence (individualistic) a healthy family will have well defined boundaries between family members. If the culture is one where being part of the group and more dependent on others is normal (collectivist culture), then a family that meets the definition of enmeshed is more likely to exist. In this setting, such a family is considered to be normal and healthy.
If the culture the family exists in is collectivist, family members will not suffer negative mental health impacts. However, if the family has emigrated to a country with a more individualistic culture, the family members may be more torn between the culture of their family and that of the society in which they are now living. This is particularly so with children.
When deciding if a family is enmeshed or not it is important to consider the culture of the family and the impact that enmeshment is having on the mental health of the family members.
In Enmeshed Families Roles Are Rigid.
Another thing seen in an enmeshed family is that family members will often have rigid roles within the family. Every family has roles for family members, but in a healthy family the roles can change over time.
Enmeshed families are often very intrusive. There is little privacy and interfering with another family member’s private thoughts and concerns is considered normal. This is because of the lack of boundaries between family members.
How To Spot Lack Of Boundaries
In such a family other signs of lack of boundaries can include:
• Over protective adults who control what children do and prevent them from anything that challenges them and allows them to grow. The adults may believe they are protecting the child but the motivation is often their own fears of something like that happening to them.
• Adults in the family system will micromanage their children and make decisions for them without any consultation.
• Manipulation is used to coerce the children to do what the adult wants. Guilt and Shame are often used to achieve this.
• Not respecting the privacy of children, often seen by going through their belongings, reading private writings, monitoring their activities and keeping tabs on what they are doing.
• Use the children for emotional support and validation.
• Set out to be the child’s “best friend” even when the child doesn’t want it.
• Not perceive the children as individuals who are growing up and striving for independence.
• Enforce family unity and prevent anything that threatens that such as something an individual may wish to do or outside relationships individuals may wish to have.
• Keep a strict cap on any conflict within the family. Individuals within an enmeshed family learn that keeping the peace is essential and there are negative consequences for disobeying that rule.
What Impact Does An Enmeshed Family Have On A Child?
Children in an enmeshed family are:
• Often very alert to their parent’s needs and emotions.
• Have trouble making decisions.
• Struggle to become independent as adults.
• If asked what their interests and values are they will always cite the family interests and values.
• Believe they must keep the family happy.
• Often are loners and don’t make friends because their emotional needs are met within the family.
• Find it hard to voice their own needs, again due to a need to maintain peace within the family.
• Become more emotional then is normal when there are family conflicts or crises
• As they grow older they often become financially and emotionally responsible for the care of their parents.
Why Does Enmeshment Occur In Some Families?
A lot of enmeshment happens because of parents being raised in enmeshed families. This is the only family structure one or both parents know. Parenting is usually based on what was learned during childhood. Unless the parent is aware their childhood family was enmeshed and was able to learn about other family models as well as learn how to set healthy boundaries, the pattern the parent will use in their family will be an enmeshed one.
Another cause could be if there were difficulties in the relationship a child had with their caregivers that resulted in what is known as an anxious attachment style. That style of attachment involves a need for excessive closeness and validation from others. If the childhood wounds are not resolved and the attachment style healed then it can result in the behaviours present in an enmeshed family.
Research has suggested that a parent who has poor mental health and is raising their children alone without healthy adult friendships is more likely to establish enmeshed relationships with her children. People in that situation often experienced their own trauma as children and consequently have a poor sense of self and have difficult regulating their emotions.
Crises in the environment, such as natural disasters and wars will increase the likelihood that the family members with look to each other for support and security. If the crisis is long term or resulted in traumatic impacts that are not healed then enmeshment can develop.
Is Enmeshment Bad?
Yes and no. members of enmeshed family value loyalty, belonging and emotionally supporting others. They also have deep interpersonal connections with other family members.
The negative is that family members, especially children raised in such a family, find it hard to set boundaries with others. They can find it hard to make decisions. They will also struggle being able to express their own needs and desires and set healthy boundaries around their needs and desires.
Another negative is that it can be difficult developing healthy relationships with others outside the family.
For adults in an enmeshed family there can be high levels of stress as they remain constantly vigilant maintaining control and closeness. Adults are also likely to struggle to maintain their own identity which impacts on their own mental health. It also impacts on their relationships with others both within and outside the family.
Conflict is another difficulty for enmeshed families. It may often lead to conflict being buried and these unresolved conflicts result in tension within the family that can become destructive. Family members, especially children, will struggle to learn healthy conflict resolution skills. This impacts mental health as well as impacting on the ability to learn healthy communication skills.
Does Enmeshment Cause Trauma?
Yes it can.
In heavily enmeshed families each family member is very involved in the emotional life of each other family member. This is difficult for children with their developing brains and developing emotional regulation skills. Being overloaded and overwhelmed by adult emotions without anyone to help the child understand what is being experienced, as well as emotionally regulate, impacts the child’s mental well being, both in childhood and later in adulthood.
Not knowing where you end and other family members start is also damaging. This impacts on the ability to form a sense of self. It impacts on the ability to set boundaries.
In a family where everyone’s business and feelings is everyone else’s it is very difficult to learn boundaries and to learn to say no or yes.
If a child doesn’t learn to set boundaries then it is very difficult to do so in adulthood.
Research shows that adults who grew up in enmeshed families and were traumatised by this, struggle with their mental health in adulthood. They may suffer depression and anxiety. They may also find it hard to form healthy, respectful relationships. They are more vulnerable to codependent relationships. They also struggle to separate their emotions and needs from those of others.
The Good News.
As with all trauma, it is possible to heal. It is not easy and it will take a long time for your brain to grow new, healthy connections, but it is possible.
The first step is recognising the enmeshment and what behaviours within the family are enmeshed behaviours and which are not problem behaviours.
• It is possible to learn who you are and learn where your boundaries are.
• It is possible to learn to assert those boundaries in a calm and healthy way.
• You can even learn to say no without feeling guilty!
• It is even possible to learn to set boundaries with your family. It may not always be possible to set boundaries without cutting off contact with your family, that will depend on how mentally healthy individual members are, but you can learn to set limits on contact so that it is healthy and you learn how to heal from this.
• You can learn what is normal family and relationship behaviour and be able to set healthy boundaries around future relationships as well as existing ones. You can also learn to recognise unhealthy relationships that may need to end.
What Other Things Can You Do To Learn Who You Are And Heal?
A competent counsellor who is trained in mindfulness can teach you mindfulness and how to use this to understand the feelings and emotions you experience.
• With this skill you can be taught how to regulate your emotions.
• With mindfulness you can start exploring the things that matter to you, what your values are, what you believe in.
• You can get to know yourself and what you are passionate about. You can recognise the things that really interest you.
• You can learn how to be curious and how to try new things.
• You can learn to connect with others in a healthy way and “find your tribe” who understand you and support you.
• You can learn to be kind to yourself.
Getting Help.
When you have been raised in the difficult environment of an enmeshed family it can be hard to learn what is normal and what is dysfunctional.
It can also be difficult to know how to learn more healthy behaviours.
This is where seeing a counsellor who is skilled in those areas can be helpful.
Can I Help?
I am trained in mindfulness and in trauma counselling. I use mindfulness always in my work with people. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your family enmeshment, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
“Few of us have escaped experiencing trauma in our human life. I define trauma as a difficult life event that was too overwhelming to emotionally process when it happened. When you become emotionally overwhelmed, trauma is stored in your body, waiting for another time in the future to be digested, resolved and healed.” ~ Shelley Klammer
Many of the difficult feelings that are experienced in life are never dealt with. Maybe at the time there was too much going on to be able to process what had happened. Maybe there wasn’t support available to help you process what had happened. Often these traumatic experiences occur in childhood.
Frequently other people don’t understand how traumatic seemingly (to them) unimportant events can be to a child. If others don’t comprehend the impact the event had on you, then they can’t help you process it.
Sadly, not all children have adults in their lives who are attuned to them or have the skills to help them process the difficult things that happen in life.
So You Think Your Childhood Trauma Didn’t Impact You?
I have witnessed so many people who claim they were never impacted by the difficult things that happened in their lives, but the way they react to things and the difficulties they face in life tell another story.
So often individuals are unaware of the impacts because they have covered them up for so long, at first as a matter of survival and later because they have covered them up so successfully they can no longer see them as existing.
My Journey Of Discovery
I know. I did the same thing. As I grew older, and learned more, I started to try to understand what was happening for me.
My mother dying helped, as her hold over me was broken. It was like waking up and seeing the things she did to me and hearing what other people had observed but I hadn’t been ready to hear until she was dead.
When I studied counselling I discovered a lot of places where trauma had impacted me. I was able to see that shadow side. The trauma side.
Along the way I sought my own counselling to help heal the trauma impacts.
Shame
I was also able to acknowledge the shame I felt at being abused as a child.
Shame is a major part of childhood abuse. The child is often told the adult’s bad behaviour is the child’s fault. Even if the child is not told that, the child concludes they are bad and shameful because it is the only way they can make sense of what is happening to them.
Trauma Healing Is Active And Lifelong
I continue to discover places where trauma has impacted me. I suspect I will continue finding these impacts until I die. They are not major now, but they are still there.
Seeing Trauma Impacts As Different Parts Of You
I have learned to be able to see those impacts as a child of the age when the trauma occurred. That helps to be more objective about the impacts.
It helps to have compassion for the child, rather than judging her. It helps me to understand better how hard I had to work as a child and how well I have done to be fairly normal as an adult.
Mindfulness, reflection and compassion are my tools for exploring all those hurt places.
You can learn this too. On your journey you will find it hard to be able to do this alone. This is where a trauma trained counsellor is helpful.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma impacts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
“Few of us have escaped experiencing trauma in our human life. I define trauma as a difficult life event that was too overwhelming to emotionally process when it happened. When you become emotionally overwhelmed, trauma is stored in your body, waiting for another time in the future to be digested, resolved and healed.” ~ Shelley Klammer
Many of the difficult feelings that are experienced in life are never dealt with. Maybe at the time there was too much going on to be able to process what had happened. Maybe there wasn’t support available to help you process what had happened. Often these traumatic experiences occur in childhood.
Frequently other people don’t understand how traumatic seemingly (to them) unimportant events can be to a child. If others don’t comprehend the impact the event had on you, then they can’t help you process it.
Sadly, not all children have adults in their lives who are attuned to them or have the skills to help them process the difficult things that happen in life.
Subheading So You Think Your Childhood Trauma Didn’t Impact You?
I have witnessed so many people who claim they were never impacted by the difficult things that happened in their lives, but the way they react to things and the difficulties they face in life tell another story.
So often individuals are unaware of the impacts because they have covered them up for so long, at first as a matter of survival and later because they have covered them up so successfully they can no longer see them as existing.
Subheading My Journey Of Discovery
I know. I did the same thing. As I grew older, and learned more, I started to try to understand what was happening for me.
My mother dying helped, as her hold over me was broken. It was like waking up and seeing the things she did to me and hearing what other people had observed but I hadn’t been ready to hear until she was dead.
When I studied counselling I discovered a lot of places where trauma had impacted me. I was able to see that shadow side. The trauma side.
Along the way I sought my own counselling to help heal the trauma impacts.
Subheading Shame
I was also able to acknowledge the shame I felt at being abused as a child.
Shame is a major part of childhood abuse. The child is often told the adult’s bad behaviour is the child’s fault. Even if the child is not told that, the child concludes they are bad and shameful because it is the only way they can make sense of what is happening to them.
Subheading Trauma Healing Is Active And Lifelong
I continue to discover places where trauma has impacted me. I suspect I will continue finding these impacts until I die. They are not major now, but they are still there.
Subheading Seeing Trauma Impacts As Different Parts Of You
I have learned to be able to see those impacts as a child of the age when the trauma occurred. That helps to be more objective about the impacts.
It helps to have compassion for the child, rather than judging her. It helps me to understand better how hard I had to work as a child and how well I have done to be fairly normal as an adult.
Mindfulness, reflection and compassion are my tools for exploring all those hurt places.
You can learn this too. On your journey you will find it hard to be able to do this alone. This is where a trauma trained counsellor is helpful.
Sub heading Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma impacts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I often write about the importance of learning to feel into your body. It is in your body that the keys to unlock the things that hold you back can be found.
I always write this knowing that it is possible to learn to do this, as I have done. But I am also aware it is not easy to reach there. It is virtually impossible without the assistance of a trauma trained counsellor.
I was reminded of this recently when I read a blog by a trauma yoga teacher.
She wrote about leading a yoga and meditation class in the mental health ward of a hospital. Her clients were people with dissociative disorders.
Feeling Into Your Body Is Something You Have To Learn To Do
Having learned, as I have, to be able to feel into her body in safety, she realised she had to allow for the difficulty these people experienced feeling into their bodies. When you have unresolved trauma from the past it is very hard to feel into your body where all those unprocessed and very scary memories are stored.
This experience forced the teacher to explore how to bring attention inside without being so frightened that you dissociate. She explored how to bring attention inside without feeling like you are floating, disconnected from your internal and external environment.
Being In The External World Is Easy, But Go Into Your Internal World And It Becomes Very Hard
We find it so easy to get angry or irritated by people in our external world, why is it so hard to turn out attention internally to situations in our past that hurt us?
Why is it that we can be courageous in the world around us, but when we come to look in side ourselves and allow us to feel what we find there, we are terrified?
Every Child Needs An Adult Who Loves Them And Can Teach Them How To Self Regulate
If you never had an adult in your childhood who was able to attune to you. Able to teach you how to make sense of what was going on in your body. Able to help you learn how to regulate your emotions so that your internal world is not terrifying. Then how could you learn?
When you lacked someone to guide and teach you then how do you navigate your internal environment?
Trauma Trained Counsellors Learn How To Do This
This is what a trauma trained counsellor knows to do. I have learned how to connect those broken pieces inside. How to piece your body, mind and heart together so that you can feel safe to look inside yourself.
I know these techniques work because I used them myself to learn.
All those trapped memories need to be processed. Until you learn the skills and have someone skilled to walk beside you and help you, you will not be able to process this trauma. And it will cripple your life.
Childhood Memories Of Trauma Are Frightening
Those memories are frightening. They hurt. They are full of a child trying to understand a very frightening world. There is a deep sense of shame, of being wrong. Of thinking that what happened was your fault and because there was something wrong with you.
There is despair at never seeming to get any better. There is rage at the unfair things being done to you. There is hurt that someone who should care for you can do this. There is disappointment that no matter what you try, nothing gets better.
All these terrifying memories are the reason you become numb. Feeling them is terrifying so blanketing them, freezing them, dulling them is the only way to survive. And because they are still there your body reacts to them in the only way it can.
How Your Body Reacts To The Pain
You get terrible fear and pain from these memories.
You get anxious, depressed, you do whatever you can to shut down the memories.
You take pills, you drink too much alcohol, you try an array of drugs, you go on spending sprees, you do any behaviour that is repetitive to drown out those horrible memories and feelings of deep shame and unworthiness.
What You Need
What you need is someone to teach you how to manage those emotions. How to release the feelings of unworthiness, exclusion and shame. How to release these harmful feelings.
You need to take it slowly. To only visit those memories when you have the skills to calm yourself.
Yes you can reach a point where you can make the choice to be who you want to be. A place where you know how to respond to calm yourself. Where you know how to respond to not put yourself in a fight/flight/freeze state. And I can help you with that learning.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your childhood trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
