Living Life – PLC Blog

Grief Is Not All Just About Death. Other Losses Lead To Grief Too

For most people the word Grief is all about death. Death is a major loss. But any loss is something that needs to be grieved. It can in a wide range of sometimes unexpected forms. When Grief is unconnected from death it can be hard to have the words to use to explain it.

Here are some comments people made on a recent loss page:

Retirement

“I have been a teacher all my life. When I retired it felt like death. That was so painful.”

The End Of A Friendship

“My best friend grew up with me. We knew everything about each other. Even things we never told our parents or our partners. Suddenly the friendship is over and I don’t know why. She just blocked me on everything. It hurts so much.”

Losing A Dream Job And Career

“I have played the clarinet since I was old enough to get my fingers to reach all the keys. I have studied in Europe and been involved in orchestras around the world. I came back to Australia and loved the orchestra I was employed to work in. It wasn’t a big orchestra, we mainly did community work. After all the excitement of performing around the world I felt I was able to give back some of the blessings I had been given. I was bursting to express the skills I had acquired over my lifetime. Suddenly the orchestra was reducing staff and I lost my job. After the shock and disbelief wore off I felt such anger, despair and devastation.”

Losing A Much Loved Pet

“My dog. She was my life. My grandmother gave her to me as a tiny puppy after my mother died. She was the one I could cry to and all she did was love me. I could hug her when things were tough and she would love me. She was beside me as I learned to live without my mother. She was beside me as I navigated those teenage years alone. She was beside me as I grew into adulthood and took those tentative steps to independence. She was by my side for 16 years. And then she wasn’t. No one understood how much she meant to me, how much I depended on her unconditional love and comfort. To them she was just a dog and I could get another.”

Losing A Child

“I was 16 and discovered I was pregnant. I wasn’t ready to have a child. I lived in a very strict fundamentalist Christian home. My parents were very angry and threw me out. I ended up living with a friend’s family. But I couldn’t have a baby there. It was enough they took me in. So I had an abortion. I knew I couldn’t keep the baby, but it still hurt losing it. I remember it on the day it would have been due and I remember it on the day I had the abortion. I look at children the age it would have been and wonder what it would have looked like. No one acknowledges the pain of abortion. The loss.”

“I miscarried my first child. I was 8 weeks and had just started to feel comfortable to allow myself to feel pregnant and dream about what the baby would be like. Then it was gone. People told me I could have another. That I hadn’t bonded with it. Seriously? I felt that baby. I bonded. Having another would never replace this one.”

The One You Love Being Changed By Illness

“My husband had a car accident. He had a head injury and was in a coma for 10 days. When he woke up he wasn’t the same person. He had a different personality. Gone was the spontaneous, fun-loving man I had fallen in love with. Instead there was this morose, rigid person who had to follow a strict schedule and wouldn’t deviate from that. It was heart breaking.”

Physical Restrictions After Illness/Accident

“When I broke my leg my life totally changed. I had more shattered it than broken it. I loved cycling and came off my bike. They tried for months to fix my leg but after 9 months and 7 surgeries it was obvious my leg couldn’t be saved. In the end it was an above knee amputation. It restricted so much of what I could do. Even a below knee amputation would have meant I could do more. But above the knee took so much away from me. I can’t ride a bike anymore. I have tried. My physical restrictions are devastating. I am so lost without the freedom of riding my bike, feeling the wind on my skin as I sped along the road. People just don’t get it.”

Losing Your Purpose In Life

“I am a single parent. My husband left when my son was a baby. I raised him all this time on my own. He is grown up now and has left home and recently married. My whole purpose for 25 years was raising my son. Now he doesn’t need me any more. I have lost my purpose. I am grieving over that and my family don’t understand that.”

Other Losses

There are more instances of loss that I haven’t mentioned here. Moving house, moving to a new state, a new country, having your house burgled or your car stolen, loving a precious possession, and loss of identity. These are just some examples of loss.

The reality is that everyone at some stage in life will lose something or something they love.

Disenfranchised Grief

Grief is little tolerated when there is a death, and it is even less tolerated in the loss of other things.

Grief takes on many forms and the type of grief I have mentioned here is considered to be disenfranchised grief. Grief that is not recognised as grief and therefore is not something that is generally considered acceptable to grieve.

There can be swirling emotions, confusion, devastation, numbness and more. The same emotions expressed when a loved one dies are present in other types of grief. And feeling those emotions is perfectly okay. You have lost something very important and your feelings are valid. Disenfranchisement robs you of the permission to grieve, to feel the pain of the loss.

The Importance Of Acknowledging Your Loss

It is important to acknowledge all losses. Loss is about something you used to have that you don’t have anymore. The losses mentioned are ones that are not openly or publicly acknowledged, but they should. Often if you express your grief at these losses you will get kick back from others. People who think you are overreacting, or being selfish “because others are genuinely suffering from the death of a loved one and you are upset over this insignificant little thing.” But it isn’t insignificant. It is harder to understand. In a way loss through death is simpler. It is something that people can understand.

The Pain Of Lack Of Understanding

It is that lack of understanding that often makes your loss harder.

For the people posting above the lack of understanding from their families and friends made coping with their loss much harder.

The Clarinet player found her family took the attitude that she could retrain and get another job. She found that hard. Playing the clarinet in the orchestra was her dream job. It was her passion. She didn’t have another passion. She likened their attitude to the people who say to the person who lost a baby “you can always have another one” or the person who loses a spouse “there are plenty of other people out there.” She felt that no one understood how devastating this loss was and how deeply she was hurting.

All Losses Should Be Grieved

For these losses there is a need to grieve. This is made harder by the lack of understanding of other people. Many people go through rituals to help them.

The woman who lost her friend had a painting the friend had done at a painting party. She painted over the canvas, adding layers and layers of paint when she felt the need. In time she covered the entire painting so that the original painting was hidden. She found painting over the canvas therapeutic. She felt she was burying that part of her life. As she has never found out why her friend decided to end the friendship it was really helpful for her to just close that part of her life off.

Other people burn things, maintain memory boxes, clear out things, find something symbolic of what was lost – something to comfort. The list is as individual as each person grieving.

It is important to remember that the pain will never completely go away. There will be varying degrees of pain involved.

Always remember that it is perfectly valid to seek grief counselling over these losses.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you grieve your losses, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

5 Minute Ideas To Give Yourself Love and Destress

How often in your busy day do you find time to care for yourself?

Instead do you find yourself rushing from one task to another and end the day depleted and exhausted?

How often do you wake in the morning dreading the day ahead?

Today I am sharing some ideas of things you can do that will take 5 minutes.

Some of my categories may seem weird but I have based them on research about what assists us to experience less stress. I have given some ideas, you can probably think of many more.

Simple 5 Minute Ideas

My favourite go to simple ideas are:

• A short guided meditation. The app Insight Timer is a great source of 5 minute mediations.

• Writing in your journal about anything.

• Sitting quietly and deep breathing.

• Looking up at the stars in the night sky.

• Savouring a favourite herbal tea.

• Close your eyes and imagine a peaceful place.

• Walk outside and breathe in the fresh air.

• Write down 5 things you are grateful for.

Calming 5 minute ideas

My favourite go to calming ideas are:

• Pat your pet

• Sit in a quiet, peaceful place at home and practice deep breathing.

• Create a vision board of your favourite self care practices. Add to it when taking your 5 minute calming time

• Sing a favourite song

• Close your eyes and just focus on breathing

• Massage your wrists

• Doodle

Positive 5 minute ideas

Focusing on the positive is very calming. My favourites are:

• Visualising a wonderful future

• Reading a good news story

• Writing a loving, positive note to your future self

• Reminisce about a happy memory

• Smile as you take a selfie

• Look at Art that inspires you

• Quick repair to an item of clothing – such as sewing on a button.

Declutter 5 Minute Ideas

May seem weird but clutter is stressful and decluttering is calming.

• Quickly throw together some leftover fruit and green vegetables and make a smoothie

• Organise a drawer (or part of it)

• Write down on thing to achieve for the rest of the day

• Make a list of the things you have completed/accomplished recently

• Reorganise part of your desk (or all if it can be done in 5 minutes)

• Journal what you are thinking

• Tidy your Email inbox

• Choose one item of clothing you no longer need and donate it

Social 5 Minute Ideas

• Text a friend a message of appreciation

• Post a positive status on your social media

• Send a friend a song you think they will like

• Send a message to friends suggesting a get together

• Send a thank you note to someone

• Have a quick catch up with someone special – let them know you have 5 minutes and just want to connect for 5 minutes.

• Share a joke or funny meme you have seen recently

• Tell someone you love them

Move 5 Minute Ideas

• Stand up and stretch. Reach for the sky then down to your toes.

• Dance to a great song

• Roll your shoulders backwards and forwards

• Try out assorted power poses – shoulders back, feet firmly on the ground, head up.

• Sit in your chair slightly differently. Maybe push yourself back into the chair more so you sit more upright.

• Try some simple yoga poses

• Jump. Use a skipping rope or do star jumps.

• Go outside and walk around the garden

• Give a thirsty plant some water

Enjoyable 5 Minute Ideas

• If you like incense or scented candles light one and breathe in that beautiful aroma

• Listen to something inspirational

• Listen to a song you love

• Read a motivational quote

• Start your bucket list and spend 5 minutes brainstorming ideas for it

• Draw what you can see out the window

• Doodle – have a special notebook to do this in and you will always have it on hand

• Colour a page in a colouring book

• Give yourself a quick foot bath

Cozy 5 Minute Ideas

• If it is nighttime, put on your comfortable pyjamas

• Snuggle up with a favourite book

• Massage your palms with your thumbs (it feels so relaxing)

• Put your favourite songs into a playlist.

• Watch part of a favourite movie

• Write a comfort food shopping list

• Sit in a favourite corner with a hot chocolate

Mindful 5 Minute Ideas

• Read a book for 5 minutes, reading slowly to take in the words.

• Work on a puzzle that requires focus. Maybe a crossword, sudoku for example.

• Sit quietly focusing on your breathing and the sensations in your body.

• Paint your nails (try doing that without paying attention!)

• Sit quietly and listen to white noise while breathing deeply

• Walk around outside

• Stretch slowly, focusing on the feeling of the stretch

• Hug a tree

• Repeat a personal mantra

Easy 5 Minute Ideas

• Just sit quietly and be present in your body

• Make yourself a drink of water, herbal tea, anything calming

• Work on a jigsaw

• Take a quick walk

• Cuddle your pet

• Massage your feet

• Listen to the sound of running water

Still Stressed?

If you answer that question with a yes that is not surprising. One 5 minute activity is not going to remove your stress. But many throughout the day, over a period of time can help.

It is also important to take more time out regularly to practice longer self care.

It is also a good idea to start your day with some sort of mindful self care activity to clear your mind and calm your body. This is also a good time to set your intentions for the day. As for yesterday’s stress. Don’t take that on board, but you may consider what needs to be added to your to do list from yesterday’s stress. Take on the activity, not the stress.

It is also important to end your day with a mindful self care activity. This focus is on putting aside the day and allowing yourself to calm your mind before going to sleep. You will sleep better and wake up more refreshed.

Can I Help?

I have studied Mindfulness as part of my Master of Counselling and teach mindfulness as well as practicing it myself.

I have also studied the impacts of stress and stress relieving activities.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your stress or would like to learn mindfulness, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Why Experiencing Trauma In Childhood Doesn’t Mean You Are Doomed To Be Mentally Ill

Trauma in childhood can be very disruptive and cause many difficulties for you in adult life.

But

Experiencing childhood trauma does not necessarily result in mental illness in later childhood and adulthood.

What is trauma know to be associated with?

The Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study in New Zealand tracked a cohort of children born in 1972 to 1973.

One of this study’s findings was that a form of a gene associated with serotonin transport in the brain appeared to increase an individual’s likelihood of experiencing depression when exposed to trauma.

This has supported the theory that our DNA, that way that DNA is expressed in the body, and our environment can impact on our mental health.

This would also help explain why some people exposed to trauma develop serious mental health problems whereas others manage well in life.

What Is Known?

Research has drawn strong links between trauma and addiction. This is in the way you manage difficulties in life.

Some people are able to “roll with the punches” and can regulate relatively quickly after a distressing event.

Others find it harder and may draw on outside actions, such as drinking alcohol or smoking, to regulate their emotions.

Many people report partaking of the addiction helps them to feel calm, or forget the terrifying experience, or feel less anxious and panicky.

Difficulties With Connecting To Others

What is also known is that experiences in your childhood impact on how you see the world and how you relate to other people.

If your early experiences were supporting and nurturing, you are more likely to see the world as a friendly and helpful place. You will also likely see others as trustworthy and safe to connect with.

But if your early experiences with others were abusive, unhelpful, and/or frightening you are more likely to see the world as unfriendly and not safe. You will also be more wary of others and may be more likely to perceive their behaviour as threatening than those who see others as trustworthy.

The person with positive experiences in childhood is more likely to readily feel comfortable with others while those with negative experiences are more likely to be wary of trusting others.

Brain Changes

What is known is that the brain of those exposed to trauma in childhood develops differently to those not exposed to trauma.

For example, areas of the brain responsible for observing non verbal communication are more developed in traumatised individuals. This is thought to give the child the advantage of being able to detect danger and act on it faster than for those with normal brain development.

In other words these changes increase the child’s chances of survival.

Other areas of the brain have been found to be smaller than for those not exposed to trauma. Some of those areas relate to the perception of “novelty”. In other words the ability to manage unexpected situations and strangers.

When To Seek Help

If you experienced trauma in childhood and are managing life well, then at this point in time you are unlikely to need help.

If you find that there are difficulties around things upsetting you, or difficulty calming down after a difficult event. If you find you feel overwhelmed often, your social life is difficult, others report behaviours they think are a problem, or you think there is a problem (even if you can’t quite put your finger on it).

If you find yourself putting up with bad behaviour from others, or you are a people pleaser, or you have trouble setting boundaries or saying no.

Then it is best to consult a counsellor.

There are occasions in life when everyone can get help from a counsellor, even if just for one or two sessions.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your difficulties in life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Is That Drink You Just Have To Have, A Lot, Worrying You? Or The Cigarettes You Just Can’t Give Up? This Is Why You Are Likely To Need Counselling Help To Stop.

Research over many decades has shown that trauma in childhood has impacts that extend throughout childhood into adulthood. These impacts include poor mental health, substance abuse and addiction, as well as physical health impacts.

The Impact Of Trauma On Addiction

Extensive research has proven that people who experience trauma during childhood are more likely to be addicted to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs later in life.

What is trauma? Trauma as referred to in this blog is psychological harm to a person caused by experiences that are a significant threat to the individual or others close to them. Trauma can be emotional, physical, sexual abuse, an addicted parent, natural disasters and serious accidents.

What Is Addiction? What Does Trauma Have To Do With It?

Addiction can take many forms and cover a range of behaviours. For example, people who regularly consume alcohol may not be considered alcoholic, but their dependence on alcohol to feel more relaxed, less socially awkward or cope with stress reveals reliance on alcohol that fits the definition of addiction.

With the recent increase in vaping, including a dramatic increase in teens who vape, there has been a recognition of vaping as another concerning form of addiction.

Research looking at teens who vape has shown that the majority were exposed to trauma below the age of 12.

This is consistent with research looking at teens who drink alcohol, smoke tobacco or use other drugs.

The Dangers Of Physically Addictive Substances

Many substances people take are not physically addictive. This means that once the psychological need for the substance is attended to, the person can manage without the substance.

Other substances are physically addictive. This means that trying to stop using the substance will result in more difficult physical cravings as well as psychological ones. Nicotine is one of the most physically addictive substances people take.

Cigarettes and Vapes contain nicotine. Although vapes are by law banned from containing nicotine, around 99% of vapes confiscated in Australia have been found to contain nicotine.

It Can Take Many Attempts To Overcome Your Addiction To Nicotine

Nicotine is an extremely addictive substance that is physically addictive as well as psychologically addictive. It takes less nicotine for a teenager to be addicted than for an adult. Also their brains respond with stronger cravings when seeking to stop.

Anyone addicted to nicotine will struggle to quit. The strong physical cravings and the trauma that led to the addiction in the first place are strong barriers to quitting.

It can take many attempts to stop before the addict is able to stop.

The Importance Of Counselling In Overcoming Addiction

As an addict you will be better able to stop if you receive counselling support and nicotine replacement therapy.

The importance of counselling support is learning how to cope with feelings that have been self medicated, often for years, with alcohol, cigarettes and other substances.

Why Families And Social Environments Are Not Suitable Supports

Trauma most often occurs in the family and social environments. Many people start using substances as teenagers, modelling their behaviour on the coping behaviours of the adults in their lives.

Instead of learning healthy ways of dealing with the stress of the trauma, unhealthy ways are learned and passed down through the generations.

Self-Medicating and Brain Development

Using these addictive substances is known as self-medicating. You have a drink and feel calmer, you smoke or vape and feel you can manage things better and so on.

All of these addictive substances physically damage the body, as well as causing harm to the brain.

Neuroscientists studying the impacts of this self-medicating report that it causes damage to the developing brain of teenagers and results in the brain not developing properly. This is more damaging than damage to existing brain structures as occurs in adulthood because it prevents part of the brain developing.

So it is important to stop

Why The Ideal Supports Are Not Ideal

Ideally, stopping using an addictive substance would involve support from family and friends. For many people this support will not happen because this is the source of their trauma and learned unhealthy coping behaviours.

For this reason, counselling support is essential so that you can process and heal from the trauma and learn healthy coping strategies to replace the addictive substance.

There is also a possibility that if you stop your addiction to a substance without treating the underlying trauma that has caused it, you may switch to another substance of addiction.

Trauma, Stress and Addiction

It is also known that trauma has an impact on the development of the brain. Trauma can result in brain changes that lead to greater impulsivity and risk taking behaviour. This doesn’t apply to everyone who has encountered trauma, but is frequently seen.

Far more common is the impact trauma has on the brain’s ability to manage stress. Someone with a trauma history is more likely to be more reactive to stress and less able to cope with it.

If you add the damage to the brain by addiction to the damage caused by trauma then it is really problematic for you.

It is possible to learn how to manage stress, but for this you need a qualified counsellor.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your problem drinking or smoking/vaping, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

9 Steps To Surviving Grief At Christmas

When you are grieving December can be so difficult. Everywhere and everything is Christmas.

Advertising, social media posts, the shops, friends with Christmas Parties and Christmas Greetings, Community events. Everywhere there is the suggestion of a joyous time with company, mostly family, and a great time to be experienced.

People are exhorted to be happy and any suggestion of not feeling happy or not wanting to celebrate is greeted with derision and suggestions of Bah Humbug.

When you are grieving, especially when this is the first Christmas since your loss, it can be so painful. So difficult to experience when your whole existence is crying out in pain.

Rubbing Salt Into The Wound

This time of year often carries the stab of pain at every reminder that you are missing someone in your world. The reminder that this Christmas will be without that person. It is like rubbing salt into the wound of your grief.

There may be pressure on you at this time of year to not express your sorrow. You may be told it is not fair to those who want to enjoy the season. But what is fair for you?

Mourning Is An Important Survival Strategy

Mourning is important at any time of year. It allows you to express your grief in ways that allow you to process it.

It is likely that the way to survive this time of year is to mourn. You may not want to be sad at a time you may previously have been very happy, but if sad is your current reality then sad it will be.

Here Are Things You Can Do To Help You Survive Christmas And The New Year.

Give yourself permission to grieve.
Also give yourself permission to enjoy the day and have fun, even if only for brief periods of the day. You are not dishonouring the one you lost but experiencing moments of joy and happiness within your grief.
Acknowledge your grief and pain.
This may involve doing something to honour the memory of the one you loved.
Also vital is to be willing to be honest about what you need this Christmas.

You may not want to observe all the activities your family traditionally participated in.

You may not want to have a big Christmas as you usually do. You may want to be alone, or have only a few people around. Some people go on holidays so that they aren’t home. Other people always set a seat at the table for the one who is gone.
The most important thing for you to do before making plans is to check in with yourself. How are you? Do you already have thoughts about what you want to do?
Make a plan
Don’t wing it this year. Take the time to sit down and decide what will be best for you and your mourning.
Research has shown that those who plan for important days cope with those days better than those who don’t plan. Making a plan doesn’t mean you will carry it out, but it gives you something to focus on.
In your plan include the one you lost. Include their name, memories of them, stories about them. You may be in a group and openly talk about them or you may be alone reminiscing. If you are in a group organise with some in the group to back you up in case others in the group try to shut you down (usually due to their discomfort).
Have a Plan B as well as a Plan A.
You may plan in advance to be with other people at the Christmas celebration. But closer to the day you may realise you can’t do it.

This is where Plan B comes in. Have a backup plan of what you will do if you can’t proceed with Plan A.

Plan B may involve plans to spend the day alone and how you will spend that day.
It may involve going to the Plan A activity but leaving after a short while there. Plan B may also involve just cancelling Christmas and not doing anything to mark the day. If you do that remember that you will not be able to escape the reminders that it is Christmas and plan how you will manage that.

Whatever you decide, be okay with it. Let go of the need to honour traditions because not honouring them may impact on other people. Your needs need to be honoured.
If You Plan To Be With Others at Christmas Be Okay With That.
Not everyone wants to be alone at Christmas. Some people draw comfort from the festivities, even if they are reminders of the one who is gone.
If you plan to be alone organise something you will do.
This doesn’t mean you have to be ‘busy’ with solo activities. It just means you have a plan for how you will spend the day.
Create new traditions.
You may want to visit the place their remains are interred. You may want to donate to a charity in their name. You may play a game or watch a movie they particularly loved. You may light a candle for them. You may set a place for them at the table. There are myriad ways you can acknowledge them. The only limit is your imagination.
Acknowledge that it is Christmas.
You can also plan to pretend the day doesn’t exist when you get to it, but make sure it is planned. Be mindful that your inner experience is one of celebrating this time of year and ignoring it is often difficult. Will you be okay if your decision to ignore Christmas doesn’t work?
Have a support network.
Your support network includes people who listen without judgement or giving advice.

How Do You Make Your Plan?

• Allow time to formulate your plan.

• First reflect on how you have celebrated Christmas in the past. Were there things done every year? Will they continue? How will you cope if they continue, or don’t continue?

• Make a list of those traditions.

• Decide what you want to do with those Christmas traditions.

• Make a list of those you want to participate in and why.

• Make a list of those you feel you just can’t face doing this year and why.

• Make another list of traditions you might observe and why.

• Writing down your reasons for continuing or pausing traditions helps you to clarify how you feel about them.

• Think of ways you can honour the one you are grieving both in things you already do at Christmas and in new ways. Do you want to honour this person with others or on your own?

• Give yourself permission to grieve and to cry. Also give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, to attend to your own needs.

A checklist to making a plan.

 List what you normally do at this time of year. This includes things such as buying presents, sending Christmas cards, cooking food, visiting people, attending Christmas parties and so on.

 Make another list of the things your family traditionally does at Christmas. This includes meeting for meals, visiting each other, going places, special traditions you follow, present giving and so on.

 When you have made that list ask yourself
? Do I Feel Like Doing it?
? Can I skip it this year? Why or Why Not?
? Can someone else do this for me or help me?
? If I feel I need to do something Why do I need to do it?
? Can anything make a task or obligation easier?
? How can I bring the memory of the one I am grieving into these activities?
? What new traditions can I create to honour their memory and what they meant to me?

Following these guidelines will help you to understand what you need and want this year. Remember plans are not set in concrete. You can always choose not to follow them.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: https://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Trauma That Impacts On Your Mental Health

Trauma is something that seriously impacts you to the point that when in the traumatic situation you were worried about your safety, that of others or those around you. You may even experience potential loss of life or potential severe injury. These events permanently alter your perception of safety.

Trauma can be any disturbing experience. The trauma aspect is that you experience significant fear, feelings of helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings that are intense enough to continue over a period of time to have a negative impact on your attitudes, behaviour and other aspects of normal functioning.

When you feel you are in, or about to go into a, threatening situation you develop intense feelings of fear and anger. Other indicators that you are experiencing a perceived threat include shifts in attention, shifts in perception and changes in emotion. These feelings are caused by your brain going into a “fight or flight response.”

How Trauma Shows Up For You

Trauma can manifest itself in various ways. Some people can experience depression and intense sadness. Others may feel helpless and powerless.

One of the most common impacts of trauma is hypervigilance. This is where you constantly scan your surroundings, communications with other people, even interactions out of the home for potential threats to your safety.

Hypervigilance is part of your fight or flight response. This constant scanning for danger.

When you are in a hypervigilant state you will be anxious and may experience sweating and elevated heart rate.

Intense Sadness

It is very common to experience intense sadness and disconnection after a traumatic event.

The event has challenged your sense of safety and often you feared harm or even death as the outcome.

Not surprisingly it can feel very unreal and disconnected after such an event. You have lost a sense of safety in your life and this is a loss that you need to adjust you.

Any loss is something to grieve. As I relate in my blogs on grief. That carries a lot of adjustments and takes time to incorporate the event into your future life.

Allow yourself time to experience that sadness. Allow all the feelings associated with that to be experienced.

If you are having trouble coping with those feelings, an appointment with a trauma trained counsellor is a good idea.

Hypervigilance.

When you have experienced a traumatic event you are going to be primed to watch out for a similar event. That is totally normal. It is how your brain works to protect you.

Having lost a sense of safety and trust in the safeness of your world, your brain is going to be working hard to ensure your safety.

This means constantly being on the lookout for danger.

You may well find yourself preoccupied with searching for safety when you need to attend to something or someone else.

A great example is my daughter’s dog. She is quite nervy. When she sees a threat (usually a larger dog) she freezes. She won’t even accept treats until the danger is passed. She loves treats so that shows how strong the fight flight response is. All focus is on safety and being ready to run or fight. There is no space in that response for eating or normal conversation.

Someone who is constantly hypervigilant finds it very hard focusing on their work and getting things done.

Helplessness

Many people feel they have no control over what happens to them.

When trauma is experienced in childhood that child is very disempowered and develops learned helplessness. Many people never grow out of that learned helplessness as they grow into adulthood.

One of the biggest tasks in treating trauma is to empower you to be able to develop a sense of being able to solve issues in life.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma healing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief Can’t Be Hurried Along

A few years I met a young woman in her mid 20s. I will call her Anna.

Anna came to see me after her mother’s death.

Journalling Her Experience

Anna was very articulate and used to writing. So she journalled her experiences with grief.

Initially she explored the unique language and texture of grief.

She realised the sorrow she felt was unique and was an experience unlike any other she had ever encountered.

Ways To Cope Are Not Always Helpful

To cope with what she was experiencing she increased her alcohol intake and frantically researched everything she could find on death, bereavement, loss of a parent and so on. Actually, anything she could find about death she feverishly read.

She learned about Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s now outdated stages of grief. She learned about the physical symptoms of grief, she learned about what happens in the brain when someone you love dies. She read of the myriad ways people found to manage their grief.

Grief Can’t Be Forced To Go Away

Anna felt that information she found gave her mastery over her grief. That she could control it and nicely slot it away where it wouldn’t bother her again.

The one thing she wanted to avoid was the disempowering crying, the feeling of numbness, the sorrow that overwhelmed everything. Anything that did not leave her feeling joyful she shoved into the background, behind the locked door with the “never to be opened” sign on it.

She believed she was at peace and was moving on.

Reality Always Comes Back To Bite You

Then she ran into an old friend who was in a distraught state. He told her that his mother had died a few weeks earlier. He was struggling to get out of the house and today was his first time out. He was struggling and just wanted to get back to the safely of home.

This really hit her hard and she had to rush to the safety of home where she could cry despairingly and lock herself away from the world.

She realised she was not over her grief.

The Faulty Belief You Should Be Over Your Grief After The Funeral

But she believed she should be. All the research she had done, all the people who offered her platitudes over the grief said she should be bouncing back now.

She felt deep shame that she wasn’t over it. “There must be something wrong with me, I must be mentally ill, I will never get over this.” Try as she might she could not force the grief away, it just amplified.

Learning The Reality Of Living With Grief

When she came to see me I was able to teach her what her research had missed. The reality of living with grief. The science around the latest research.

She learned that Grief cannot be told what to do. That grief won’t go away just because you want it to.

She learned that roaring at Grief led to Grief roaring back.

And she learned that no amount of alcohol would make it go away or make it feel better.

Make Grief Your Friend

Anna learned she had to befriend grief and allow it to guide her, gently, through the darkness and confusion until she had learned how to continue life with grief there as a companion.

She learned not to fight grief, but rather to allow it to lead her, to submit to it

She learned to accept the reminder in grief of the unknowningness and uncertainty of life. That these things are terrifying. That we cope with them by telling ourselves that life is organised and we know what is going to happen next.

Until the unexpected happens.

Grief Is A Burden You Learn To Carry

In the end Anna decided to see her grief as a heavy burden that she planned in time to lift high above her head and celebrate life amongst loss. She decided to see grief as a privilege that belongs to those who have loved and lost.

She acknowledged that grief would now be her constant companion. That each new loss would add to that companion and she would have to learn again how to lift grief high above her head.

She learned to accept the uncertainty of life and to be okay with that.

She realised grief will take as long as it needs before you can learn to carry it moving forward in life. And she was okay with that.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

R U OK Day: Financial Stress and Retirement

Financial Stress

There is stigma around Financial Issues.

For more years than I want to remember my little family struggled financially. There were many times when one of my children was sick and I had to raid moneyboxes and search through pockets to find the money to pay the gap fee from the doctor. And when it came to affording medicines! Well sometimes I couldn’t.

I became very creative at making meals out of few ingredients. I don’t think my children were ever aware of how much we struggled financially.

It is stressful to wonder where the money for the next meal, rent or home loan payment will come from. Stressful to have a sick child or be sick yourself and not have the money to pay the gap fee at the doctor or to pay for any medicines prescribed. It is stressful worrying about major issues that may arise where you need to find the money to pay for them. Even a flat tyre can push you over the edge financially.

Being judged by others as “not being good with money” or “wasting your money” is really hard. Especially when you are actually being very good at managing your money, there just isn’t enough of it.

Talking about your problems often allows you to receive empathy and understanding from friends. Being understood rather than judged won’t solve your problems, but it will make them easier to bear. Your friend is probably not going to be able to solve your problems but their understanding and support is really beneficial.

Others can help in different ways:

• Sometimes other people may know of places you can get help with food and urgent needs.

• Many people have found that talking to someone about your problems often allows you to discover solutions to your problem.

How Do I Know There Is Financial Stress?

You may notice signs of your stress or you may notice them in others.

Emotionally you may notice:

• Increased anxiety

• Mood swings

• Irritability

• Depression

• Feeling overwhelmed or helpless.

Physically you may notice:

• Headaches

• Muscle tension

• Gastrointestinal issues

• Chronically fatigued

Behaviourally you may notice:

• Changes in spending habits, such as excessive frugality or impulsive spending

• Avoidance of social activities due to costs

• Neglecting personal relationships

• Decline in work performance

• Reluctance to answer the door, check mail or answer the telephone due to fear of bills and debt collectors.

If I Think A Friend Is Experiencing Financial Stress How Do I Help Them?

Remember it is usual for people to keep financial issues private and there is a lot of shame around struggling financially. Keeping this to yourself is isolating and disempowering.

If you think a friend needs support remember that you approach them with empathy and make sure you don’t judge them.

Let them know you understand how difficult this all is.

Choose your time to talk. You need to find somewhere that is private and relaxed.

It is best to not assume you know what the problem is. Maybe you can notice they have seemed a bit stressed lately and you just wanted to check in. What’s going on for them? Is there anything they would like to talk about?

If your friend says no, then respect that. Let them know you are there if they need to talk and leave it at that.

If your friend talks, listen with the aim of hearing what they are saying. Remember you are not here to problem solve, just listen and support. Every so often it is helpful to summarise what they are saying to check in you are understanding them okay. This also shows you are listening.

Remember that their voice should be heard more than yours.

Remember to acknowledge that financial stress is a common issue and it is normal and perfectly okay to feel overwhelmed.

Respect their boundaries. Don’t push for information they are not willing to give.

Reassure seeking help is what strong people do.

If you are able to offer practical support, such as assistance with working out a budget and how to approach debtors to work out payment plans, then offer this support. Respect their response – they may say no.

Referral Agencies

Encourage them to see a financial counsellor for their finances. The National Debt Helpline can offer free and confidential advice. The MoneySmart website is run by ASIC and offers advice and tools for managing money and dealing with debt.

If your friend is working their Employee Assistance Program may be a source of a small number of counselling sessions.

Community Organisations such as The Salvation Army and St Vincent de Paul offer many programs and can on occasion offer emergency financial aid.

Beyond Blue and Lifeline Australia can provide counselling and mental health support.

It is also important to assist your friend to approach Centrelink to see if they can get help there. Support them around this as they may not be able to get support.

If they need support with managing their stress they may benefit from seeing a counsellor. You may be able to help them find someone who can help them.

Remember that it is vital to offer emotional support regularly and to check in on how they are.

Retirement

Many people find their job defines who they are and gives them their life purpose. Retirement ends this.

One of the challenges with retirement is finding a purpose in life that doesn’t stretch you financially.

Many people find they are invisible once they retire. As they get older friends die and the circle of friends reduces. They are also cut off from the people they once worked with. This means the world becomes a lot smaller and often lonelier.

Some people plan to retire and they often do better. Others have retirement decisions made for them. That often means financially they are not ready to retire.

Finding people to listen to you is important.

Financial Stress in Retirement

These days many people retire with more debt than previous generations. This can make it harder to manage.

It is even harder if you are trying to manage on an aged pension.

Whether you have some superannuation or rely on the aged pension, you are going to need help with financial planning. The resources listed above under Financial Stress are useful ones to turn to for financial planning in your retirement.

Supporting Retirees

Not everyone who retires planned their retirement or is happy with their retirement.

No matter whether it was planned or not, retirement is a massive transition.

The pandemic caused a lot of people to retire earlier than they planned. This has meant that they were not ready emotionally or financially for retirement. That makes the transition even harder.

Lost life purpose is more likely to happen when retirement is unplanned.

Asking people how they are managing retirement can be helpful. Don’t drop contact with someone because they are retired, they are likely to need your support more than ever and may appreciate your care.

Retirement Is A Loss And That Means Grief

It is helpful to remember that retirement involves grieving for the life that has gone. Even if you are happy to have retired, there are still losses and changes that must be adjusted to.

Be patient. Allow time to adjust. Expect there to be days when you feel sad and even depressed.

Seek help from others. See a counsellor. Don’t pretend everything is wonderful if it isn’t.

If you are supporting someone who is retired, be willing to listen. Remember, the person you are seeking to support just wants to be heard, not problem solved.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to feel okay, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Breathing Space is a necessary part of life

There has been extensive research into the impacts of stress on our physical and emotional health. It can cause our cells in our bodies to age faster.

There has also been extensive research into the benefits of taking time out to rest and relax.

But what exactly is rest and relaxation?

How do you overcome the subliminal messaging that you are wasting time if you aren’t achieving something, or ticking off something on your to do list?

How do you allow space in your life to just be, not do?

Seeing Breathing Space as Essential

It is time to stop seeing allowing breathing space as something you have to earn, or that is lazy or indulgent. It is time to realise that breathing space is a basic human need.

To have true breathing space you have to allow your brain to rest. The human brain is not designed to handle constant activity. Constant activity is detrimental to brain health. It also stifles creativity.

Spending time on the computer or on your phone does not rest your brain. In fact research has shown it can increase anxiety and depression.

In a busy day even 10 minutes of brain rest is helpful.

What Are The Benefits of Giving Your Brain a Rest?

Research has shown you focus better on tasks after a short brain rest.

Short breaks can also increase your energy levels and reduce feelings of fatigue.

Giving yourself breathing space also increases your creativity.

When your brain is overloaded it is tired and stressed. Irritability is more common as is also a reduction in compassion for self and others.

How Do You Allow Breathing Space Into Your Life?

• Focus on ‘nothing’

• Start small and work up to longer breathing space

• When in doubt, lie down.

To expand on this:

By focusing on ‘nothing’ you are actually practising mindfulness. In mindfulness you are not actually clearing your mind. This is a common misconception and leads many people to feel they have failed at meditation.

What you are doing is shifting your focus. Instead of your attention darting from one thing to another, you are instead focusing on one thing – your breathe. This focus on your breath is very relaxing. It sends a signal to your brain that you are safe and allows your brain to rest.

When thoughts enter your mind you just acknowledge them and don’t engage with them. It is like sitting in a waiting room. Other people come in and you notice they are there, but you do not talk to them. That is what you do with thoughts. You notice they are there, but you don’t engage with them.

Walking Meditation

Mindfulness can take many forms. In this blog I am talking about walking mindfulness meditation.

This involves a focus on walking. You pay attention to your breath and your feet as you put one foot down, then another. You can stop every so often to just notice what is around you and allow your focus to shift to those things. Then you can go back to noticing your breath and feet as you put one foot down.

You can do this anywhere, but it is best done outside on the ground. This adds the positive impact of nature into your breathing space activity.

Would you like to know more?

If you live on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia I run a Friday morning (7am) walking meditation group. We meet at Mooloolaba Surf Club at 7am and walk and meditate on the beach for an hour. This allows mindfulness to be combined with the breathing space effect of nature.

If you would like to know more about the Friday morning group, please contact me on nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to know more but cannot make my walking group, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au to arrange an appointment.

If you would like to learn even more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

You May Want It To Be But There Are No Stages To Grief

I understand the persistence of this belief. I remember Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model of the emotional journey of the dying being applied to grief and taught everywhere that this was what grief looked like.

I remember people 30 years later telling me I was in this stage or that stage when my mother died. All of it was rubbish. But I didn’t know that then.

20 odd years later I still have people enter my consulting room convinced that there is something wrong with them because they are still in pain and the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance formula just isn’t working.

The Truth About Grief

The reality is that grief is different for everyone. There may be some similarities in emotions experienced by some people, but there is no formula to work through.

The biggest learning in grief is to be okay with the pain you experience. To be able to learn to be okay with those times when you can’t disguise your pain and you feel embarrassed because “you are not supposed to feel that way”.

Grief is painful. And it is messy. You are unlikely to experience anything worse than this in your lifetime.

What The Experts Have Discovered

Grief never ends. It stays with you for the rest of your life. What happens is that you learn how to live with that pain, how to grow your life around it.

The metaphor of you being a passenger on your grief vehicle is a good one. This vehicle continues down the road and never stops. There is no timetable, destination and no end point.

Grief Is Not The Enemy

It is important to realise grief is not your enemy. It is the understandable and very normal reaction to the loss of something or someone in your life that you were deeply connected to.

Grief is your reaction to the loss of that attachment in your life and of its importance to you.

The Social And Not Social Aspects of Grief

There will be days when you crave human contact.

And there will be days when that is the last thing you want.

There will be days when close friends are what you want. And at those times you may want to talk about what you have lost and share your memories.

On those days you seek understanding Not Fixing.

You just want to be heard, and that may entail being heard again and again.

You Will Use Subconscious Strategies To Cope With Your Emotions

People have different strategies to help them cope.

Some will keep busy working, performing tasks, doing hobbies.

Others will seek the support and comfort of others experiencing grief.

Supporting the first person may involve helping them find tasks that bring fulfilment.

The second person may benefit from receiving support to attend a grief group.

The Solitary Path of Grief

No matter how you grieve you will find it is a solitary path with you the only one on that path. People who’s grief overlaps with yours may walk with you for a while where your grieving style overlaps, but will eventually walk on another path.

Others may accompany you for a while. Friends and others who can offer support. In time your journey may take you along more frequented routes where you can share your path with many other people. This is how grief works its way into being part of your life. It never goes, but it gets easier.

In short, Grief is a journey, not some destination at the end of several stages.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au