A few years I met a young woman in her mid 20s. I will call her Anna.
Anna came to see me after her mother’s death.
Journalling Her Experience
Anna was very articulate and used to writing. So she journalled her experiences with grief.
Initially she explored the unique language and texture of grief.
She realised the sorrow she felt was unique and was an experience unlike any other she had ever encountered.
Ways To Cope Are Not Always Helpful
To cope with what she was experiencing she increased her alcohol intake and frantically researched everything she could find on death, bereavement, loss of a parent and so on. Actually, anything she could find about death she feverishly read.
She learned about Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s now outdated stages of grief. She learned about the physical symptoms of grief, she learned about what happens in the brain when someone you love dies. She read of the myriad ways people found to manage their grief.
Grief Can’t Be Forced To Go Away
Anna felt that information she found gave her mastery over her grief. That she could control it and nicely slot it away where it wouldn’t bother her again.
The one thing she wanted to avoid was the disempowering crying, the feeling of numbness, the sorrow that overwhelmed everything. Anything that did not leave her feeling joyful she shoved into the background, behind the locked door with the “never to be opened” sign on it.
She believed she was at peace and was moving on.
Reality Always Comes Back To Bite You
Then she ran into an old friend who was in a distraught state. He told her that his mother had died a few weeks earlier. He was struggling to get out of the house and today was his first time out. He was struggling and just wanted to get back to the safely of home.
This really hit her hard and she had to rush to the safety of home where she could cry despairingly and lock herself away from the world.
She realised she was not over her grief.
The Faulty Belief You Should Be Over Your Grief After The Funeral
But she believed she should be. All the research she had done, all the people who offered her platitudes over the grief said she should be bouncing back now.
She felt deep shame that she wasn’t over it. “There must be something wrong with me, I must be mentally ill, I will never get over this.” Try as she might she could not force the grief away, it just amplified.
Learning The Reality Of Living With Grief
When she came to see me I was able to teach her what her research had missed. The reality of living with grief. The science around the latest research.
She learned that Grief cannot be told what to do. That grief won’t go away just because you want it to.
She learned that roaring at Grief led to Grief roaring back.
And she learned that no amount of alcohol would make it go away or make it feel better.
Make Grief Your Friend
Anna learned she had to befriend grief and allow it to guide her, gently, through the darkness and confusion until she had learned how to continue life with grief there as a companion.
She learned not to fight grief, but rather to allow it to lead her, to submit to it
She learned to accept the reminder in grief of the unknowningness and uncertainty of life. That these things are terrifying. That we cope with them by telling ourselves that life is organised and we know what is going to happen next.
Until the unexpected happens.
Grief Is A Burden You Learn To Carry
In the end Anna decided to see her grief as a heavy burden that she planned in time to lift high above her head and celebrate life amongst loss. She decided to see grief as a privilege that belongs to those who have loved and lost.
She acknowledged that grief would now be her constant companion. That each new loss would add to that companion and she would have to learn again how to lift grief high above her head.
She learned to accept the uncertainty of life and to be okay with that.
She realised grief will take as long as it needs before you can learn to carry it moving forward in life. And she was okay with that.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
For more years than I want to remember my little family struggled financially. There were many times when one of my children was sick and I had to raid moneyboxes and search through pockets to find the money to pay the gap fee from the doctor. And when it came to affording medicines! Well sometimes I couldn’t.
I became very creative at making meals out of few ingredients. I don’t think my children were ever aware of how much we struggled financially.
It is stressful to wonder where the money for the next meal, rent or home loan payment will come from. Stressful to have a sick child or be sick yourself and not have the money to pay the gap fee at the doctor or to pay for any medicines prescribed. It is stressful worrying about major issues that may arise where you need to find the money to pay for them. Even a flat tyre can push you over the edge financially.
Being judged by others as “not being good with money” or “wasting your money” is really hard. Especially when you are actually being very good at managing your money, there just isn’t enough of it.
Talking about your problems often allows you to receive empathy and understanding from friends. Being understood rather than judged won’t solve your problems, but it will make them easier to bear. Your friend is probably not going to be able to solve your problems but their understanding and support is really beneficial.
Others can help in different ways:
• Sometimes other people may know of places you can get help with food and urgent needs.
• Many people have found that talking to someone about your problems often allows you to discover solutions to your problem.
How Do I Know There Is Financial Stress?
You may notice signs of your stress or you may notice them in others.
Emotionally you may notice:
• Increased anxiety
• Mood swings
• Irritability
• Depression
• Feeling overwhelmed or helpless.
Physically you may notice:
• Headaches
• Muscle tension
• Gastrointestinal issues
• Chronically fatigued
Behaviourally you may notice:
• Changes in spending habits, such as excessive frugality or impulsive spending
• Avoidance of social activities due to costs
• Neglecting personal relationships
• Decline in work performance
• Reluctance to answer the door, check mail or answer the telephone due to fear of bills and debt collectors.
If I Think A Friend Is Experiencing Financial Stress How Do I Help Them?
Remember it is usual for people to keep financial issues private and there is a lot of shame around struggling financially. Keeping this to yourself is isolating and disempowering.
If you think a friend needs support remember that you approach them with empathy and make sure you don’t judge them.
Let them know you understand how difficult this all is.
Choose your time to talk. You need to find somewhere that is private and relaxed.
It is best to not assume you know what the problem is. Maybe you can notice they have seemed a bit stressed lately and you just wanted to check in. What’s going on for them? Is there anything they would like to talk about?
If your friend says no, then respect that. Let them know you are there if they need to talk and leave it at that.
If your friend talks, listen with the aim of hearing what they are saying. Remember you are not here to problem solve, just listen and support. Every so often it is helpful to summarise what they are saying to check in you are understanding them okay. This also shows you are listening.
Remember that their voice should be heard more than yours.
Remember to acknowledge that financial stress is a common issue and it is normal and perfectly okay to feel overwhelmed.
Respect their boundaries. Don’t push for information they are not willing to give.
Reassure seeking help is what strong people do.
If you are able to offer practical support, such as assistance with working out a budget and how to approach debtors to work out payment plans, then offer this support. Respect their response – they may say no.
Referral Agencies
Encourage them to see a financial counsellor for their finances. The National Debt Helpline can offer free and confidential advice. The MoneySmart website is run by ASIC and offers advice and tools for managing money and dealing with debt.
If your friend is working their Employee Assistance Program may be a source of a small number of counselling sessions.
Community Organisations such as The Salvation Army and St Vincent de Paul offer many programs and can on occasion offer emergency financial aid.
Beyond Blue and Lifeline Australia can provide counselling and mental health support.
It is also important to assist your friend to approach Centrelink to see if they can get help there. Support them around this as they may not be able to get support.
If they need support with managing their stress they may benefit from seeing a counsellor. You may be able to help them find someone who can help them.
Remember that it is vital to offer emotional support regularly and to check in on how they are.
Retirement
Many people find their job defines who they are and gives them their life purpose. Retirement ends this.
One of the challenges with retirement is finding a purpose in life that doesn’t stretch you financially.
Many people find they are invisible once they retire. As they get older friends die and the circle of friends reduces. They are also cut off from the people they once worked with. This means the world becomes a lot smaller and often lonelier.
Some people plan to retire and they often do better. Others have retirement decisions made for them. That often means financially they are not ready to retire.
Finding people to listen to you is important.
Financial Stress in Retirement
These days many people retire with more debt than previous generations. This can make it harder to manage.
It is even harder if you are trying to manage on an aged pension.
Whether you have some superannuation or rely on the aged pension, you are going to need help with financial planning. The resources listed above under Financial Stress are useful ones to turn to for financial planning in your retirement.
Supporting Retirees
Not everyone who retires planned their retirement or is happy with their retirement.
No matter whether it was planned or not, retirement is a massive transition.
The pandemic caused a lot of people to retire earlier than they planned. This has meant that they were not ready emotionally or financially for retirement. That makes the transition even harder.
Lost life purpose is more likely to happen when retirement is unplanned.
Asking people how they are managing retirement can be helpful. Don’t drop contact with someone because they are retired, they are likely to need your support more than ever and may appreciate your care.
Retirement Is A Loss And That Means Grief
It is helpful to remember that retirement involves grieving for the life that has gone. Even if you are happy to have retired, there are still losses and changes that must be adjusted to.
Be patient. Allow time to adjust. Expect there to be days when you feel sad and even depressed.
Seek help from others. See a counsellor. Don’t pretend everything is wonderful if it isn’t.
If you are supporting someone who is retired, be willing to listen. Remember, the person you are seeking to support just wants to be heard, not problem solved.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to feel okay, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
There has been extensive research into the impacts of stress on our physical and emotional health. It can cause our cells in our bodies to age faster.
There has also been extensive research into the benefits of taking time out to rest and relax.
But what exactly is rest and relaxation?
How do you overcome the subliminal messaging that you are wasting time if you aren’t achieving something, or ticking off something on your to do list?
How do you allow space in your life to just be, not do?
Seeing Breathing Space as Essential
It is time to stop seeing allowing breathing space as something you have to earn, or that is lazy or indulgent. It is time to realise that breathing space is a basic human need.
To have true breathing space you have to allow your brain to rest. The human brain is not designed to handle constant activity. Constant activity is detrimental to brain health. It also stifles creativity.
Spending time on the computer or on your phone does not rest your brain. In fact research has shown it can increase anxiety and depression.
In a busy day even 10 minutes of brain rest is helpful.
What Are The Benefits of Giving Your Brain a Rest?
Research has shown you focus better on tasks after a short brain rest.
Short breaks can also increase your energy levels and reduce feelings of fatigue.
Giving yourself breathing space also increases your creativity.
When your brain is overloaded it is tired and stressed. Irritability is more common as is also a reduction in compassion for self and others.
How Do You Allow Breathing Space Into Your Life?
• Focus on ‘nothing’
• Start small and work up to longer breathing space
• When in doubt, lie down.
To expand on this:
By focusing on ‘nothing’ you are actually practising mindfulness. In mindfulness you are not actually clearing your mind. This is a common misconception and leads many people to feel they have failed at meditation.
What you are doing is shifting your focus. Instead of your attention darting from one thing to another, you are instead focusing on one thing – your breathe. This focus on your breath is very relaxing. It sends a signal to your brain that you are safe and allows your brain to rest.
When thoughts enter your mind you just acknowledge them and don’t engage with them. It is like sitting in a waiting room. Other people come in and you notice they are there, but you do not talk to them. That is what you do with thoughts. You notice they are there, but you don’t engage with them.
Walking Meditation
Mindfulness can take many forms. In this blog I am talking about walking mindfulness meditation.
This involves a focus on walking. You pay attention to your breath and your feet as you put one foot down, then another. You can stop every so often to just notice what is around you and allow your focus to shift to those things. Then you can go back to noticing your breath and feet as you put one foot down.
You can do this anywhere, but it is best done outside on the ground. This adds the positive impact of nature into your breathing space activity.
Would you like to know more?
If you live on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia I run a Friday morning (7am) walking meditation group. We meet at Mooloolaba Surf Club at 7am and walk and meditate on the beach for an hour. This allows mindfulness to be combined with the breathing space effect of nature.
If you would like to know more about the Friday morning group, please contact me on nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to know more but cannot make my walking group, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au to arrange an appointment.
If you would like to learn even more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I understand the persistence of this belief. I remember Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model of the emotional journey of the dying being applied to grief and taught everywhere that this was what grief looked like.
I remember people 30 years later telling me I was in this stage or that stage when my mother died. All of it was rubbish. But I didn’t know that then.
20 odd years later I still have people enter my consulting room convinced that there is something wrong with them because they are still in pain and the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance formula just isn’t working.
The Truth About Grief
The reality is that grief is different for everyone. There may be some similarities in emotions experienced by some people, but there is no formula to work through.
The biggest learning in grief is to be okay with the pain you experience. To be able to learn to be okay with those times when you can’t disguise your pain and you feel embarrassed because “you are not supposed to feel that way”.
Grief is painful. And it is messy. You are unlikely to experience anything worse than this in your lifetime.
What The Experts Have Discovered
Grief never ends. It stays with you for the rest of your life. What happens is that you learn how to live with that pain, how to grow your life around it.
The metaphor of you being a passenger on your grief vehicle is a good one. This vehicle continues down the road and never stops. There is no timetable, destination and no end point.
Grief Is Not The Enemy
It is important to realise grief is not your enemy. It is the understandable and very normal reaction to the loss of something or someone in your life that you were deeply connected to.
Grief is your reaction to the loss of that attachment in your life and of its importance to you.
The Social And Not Social Aspects of Grief
There will be days when you crave human contact.
And there will be days when that is the last thing you want.
There will be days when close friends are what you want. And at those times you may want to talk about what you have lost and share your memories.
On those days you seek understanding Not Fixing.
You just want to be heard, and that may entail being heard again and again.
You Will Use Subconscious Strategies To Cope With Your Emotions
People have different strategies to help them cope.
Some will keep busy working, performing tasks, doing hobbies.
Others will seek the support and comfort of others experiencing grief.
Supporting the first person may involve helping them find tasks that bring fulfilment.
The second person may benefit from receiving support to attend a grief group.
The Solitary Path of Grief
No matter how you grieve you will find it is a solitary path with you the only one on that path. People who’s grief overlaps with yours may walk with you for a while where your grieving style overlaps, but will eventually walk on another path.
Others may accompany you for a while. Friends and others who can offer support. In time your journey may take you along more frequented routes where you can share your path with many other people. This is how grief works its way into being part of your life. It never goes, but it gets easier.
In short, Grief is a journey, not some destination at the end of several stages.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
This is because when a person you love dies you are heartbroken.
When a person you love leaves you and rejects you and continues to reject you, then you are heartbroken.
Which pain is worse?
The worst pain is the pain you are experiencing.
Heartbreak
Heartbreak is always present in grief. It is heartbreak at the loss of the future with that person, whether they are alive or dead. Now you must face a future you did not plan and may not even like.
Heartbreak can occur through other life events. Losing a job, not getting the job you really wanted, not getting into the university course you wanted, not getting the marks in an exam you wanted, losing out on the house you wanted to buy, losing the house you can no longer afford to pay the loan on, your car being stolen, your house broken into, the end of a relationship, losing your pet, losing your country.
The really important thing to remember is your pain is always worse for you. There is no comparison. Just because someone else is hurting, it doesn’t mean their pain is worse. Comparisons just can’t be made when it comes to grief.
Heartbreak is not logical
It is always important to remember that the act of making a comparison is one that uses your mind. But when you are heartbroken and suffering grief, those are emotions you are feeling. They are not logical, they are not of the mind. They are the emotions of heartbreak.
Be careful, because grief that isn’t attended to doesn’t just go away. It stays there, unattended, and trips you up when something reminds you of it.
Questions to ask yourself
Ask yourself the question. What heartbreak, what grief, what disappointments in your life have you not attended to?
Once you have the answer ask yourself. Why don’t you attend to it?
The answer is most likely that it is difficult, painful even, to confront that pain.
It is so easy to run from pain. Pain hurts.
The realness of emotional pain
Did you know that physical pain and emotional pain are registered in the same part of the brain?
All these years people’s emotional pain has been dismissed as being nothing, yet it is as painful as physical pain.
The metaphor of the Buffalo
Grief expert David Kessler uses the metaphor of a buffalo turning to face a storm and walk into it. The buffalo knows it will get through the storm faster if it does this. But humans try to stay away from the storm. They try to keep a metre or so away. This way they remain in the storm a long time.
Instead of facing the storm, humans stay close to it and try to numb themselves, try to move away, but not far away, or try to avoid any triggering memories. Humans may even run away.
Substituting One Emotion For Another
One way of avoiding the storm is to go to another emotion that feels more comfortable.
What emotions might that be?
The most common one to go after is anger.
If you explore what is under your anger you will often find it is sadness, grief or fear.
There is a very real fear that once you give in to the pain of grief you will never be able to stop crying.
But you will stop crying in time.
Self Compassion Is The Best Treatment
When you allow yourself to enter the storm and feel your emotions deeply. When you allow yourself to engage with the emotions, then you are caring for yourself. You are showing up for yourself. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions is the way you can be there for you. It is an opportunity to show self compassion.
Self compassion only works if you pay attention to your emotions.
To show self compassion you have to be able to accept that this horrible thing happened. You have to be allowed to feel sorry for yourself, for the pain you are experiencing and have experienced.
Our society tells us it is wrong to feel sorry for yourself. But that is wrong. It is not wrong to feel sorry for yourself. It is not wrong to feel for what you have been through. To acknowledge that what you have been through was horrible.
When others try to shut you down over this it is because they feel uncomfortable and don’t want to be exposed to that discomfort.
Beware The Failure To Own Your Problems
Refusing to be accountable for what you have done in your life and refusing to own your problems causes difficulties around feeling sorry for yourself.
If you feel sorry for yourself and get stuck in that place, constantly seeking those who will affirm your pain but never doing anything to get out of that pain, then you are failing to understand your own problems and find ways to resolve them.
The Importance of Being Seen
It is important to feel seen, to have your pain acknowledged. But sometimes you are the one who is going to see you, who will acknowledge your pain.
Being seen is empowering. Seeing yourself is as empowering as being seen by someone else.
Tara Brach PhD, a leading western teacher of Buddhist meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening, talks about the importance of putting your hand over your heart centre and saying “Ouch, that hurts” as a way to acknowledge the pain you are feeling and give yourself self compassion. Try it sometime, you will most likely find it helps a lot.
In Summary
The worst abandonment is when you abandon yourself
In your pain do not fail to acknowledge to yourself the pain you are in.
Don’t fail to show compassion to yourself.
Stop judging yourself, shaming yourself, criticising yourself, telling yourself you are bad or unworthy, failing to defend yourself.
Make sure you recognise your own pain. Remember “Ouch it hurts” is very important.
Sit with your pain and acknowledge it. Comfort yourself.
Advice To The Recently Bereaved
I often have recently bereaved people visit me. Their bereavement is so recent they haven’t even had the funeral yet. One of the things I tell them in that first session is to be kind to themselves, to be okay to not look after other people at the funeral. To let others care for them. To absent themselves from the post funeral get together if they need to. To cry, be unstable, not want to talk, not want to socialise, not look after others are all permissible and necessary self care actions.
Grief Forces Change
I model for the recently bereaved how to speak kindly to yourself, how to be caring and compassionate to yourself, how to be there for yourself.
It is scary to be placed in the position where you have to grow and change. But grief puts you there and there is only one way out and that is to walk through the storm.
You are going to have to learn the new way to be. You will not know it immediately, but you will learn over time and self compassion is your best ally in this learning.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and heartbreak please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Did you know that emotions rise up and then fade within 90 seconds if you can identify your internal experience, give the emotions a name and allow them to flow?
If you try to suppress your emotions, or pretend they are not happening then they last longer and feel a lot more powerful.
When you feel an emotion you need to go surfing.
Just as a surfer rides a wave you need to allow yourself to rise up on the crest of the emotion. You need to get uncomfortable. You need to listen to what that discomfort is telling you. If you try to fight it then it will get worse.
If you listen to that discomfort and follow that discomfort to find the need under the feelings you are experiencing then you will ride that wave to the end and emerge with the emotion in the past.
Sometimes it can be hard to sit with that discomfort. Maybe you have never learned to feel safe with the discomfort. Maybe you don’t know how to search for the need that underlies the emotions.
If you come to see me about emotions you are experiencing, I will always help you sit with those emotions and listen to the discomfort that is there. You can learn to do this and sometimes you need help to learn.
Anger, frustration and resentment are emotions that frequently trouble people. These emotions however are secondary emotions. They come on top of another emotion.
You could liken those emotions to an iceberg. What you see on the surface is the emotion of anger, frustration or resentment.
What is underneath the water is often sadness, pain, fear, disappointment and loss. These emotions have often been laid down in childhood when things happened that you couldn’t process properly either because you didn’t understand what had happened, or because you didn’t have the skills to process them.
Once you learn how to explore and identify your secondary emotions, you can start healing the primary emotions that you have carried around since childhood.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Self-care is something you often hear people talking about. A whole industry has arisen around self-care. There is no shortage of retreats, classes, books, podcasts, YouTube videos and so on to help with that.
Self-care is important. It is not an option. Without self-care you are at risk of burnout and overwhelm. Self-care is essential for you to be able to function day to day, manage your work, and cope with unexpected crises.
Yet self-care remains something that many people know they need, but just can’t find the time, or money, to do.
But self-care does not have to involve large chunks of your time. It doesn’t have to look like a retreat, yoga class, hour at the gym, hour of anything.
Self-care also does not require money. You don’t have to go to retreats, classes, the gym. Self-care can be done without any expenditure.
Self-care can be small chunks of time. All those small chunks of time can build up and amount to a powerful amount of self-care. And that self-care can give you strength, resilience and confidence that equips you to resolve the challenges in life more easily.
When I teach mindfulness, a great self-care practice, I teach to spend 5 minutes a day being mindful.
I suggest that during the day, when waiting for things, you can also practice mindfulness. When at traffic lights, when waiting in a queue, while waiting for the kettle to boil, when waiting to pick your children up from school, these are all times you can fit in micro moments of self-care in the form of mindfulness.
Those tiny moments of self-care – time for yourself – can reset your mental state, boost your energy, alleviate stress and promote happiness.
10 things you can do for micro moments of self-care:
• 5 minute mindfulness. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Sit comfortably, allow your eyes to close or soften your focus. Breathe in deeply and slowly and let your breath out gently. Focus on the in and out breath. If any thoughts come into your mind, just acknowledge them and let them go. It is like someone coming into a waiting room, you notice they are there then you go back to what you were doing when they came in. At the end of the 5 minutes return to normal activities. Practice this every day so that it becomes something you easily do.
• Make yourself a cup of tea/coffee/other warm drink. Sit somewhere away from your desk, somewhere where you will not be interrupted. Hold the cup in your hands. Feel its warmth. Breathe in the steam. Smell the drink. Take gentle sips. Savour them. When you are finished go back to your normal activities.
• Stand outside in the fresh air, preferably where you can see vegetation. If you can lean against a tree it is even better. Research has shown the calming effect of vegetation lowers blood pressure and helps regulate emotions. If you can’t see vegetation then look up at the sky. Notice if there are clouds, birds, colours in the sky. Doing this allows you to reset your mind and inject some calm into your day.
• On the way to work/doing chores take the time to notice the sky, to notice bird sounds, wind through the trees, water lapping, and so on. Look for things around you that are pleasing to look at and take a moment to acknowledge them. Even watching a happy dog smiling at its owner on its morning walk is pleasing for many people. Or seeing a small child excitedly skip along a footpath. There are myriad things you can notice if you look for them.
• Spend 5 minutes doing star jumps, running on the spot, stretches – any physical activity that you enjoy.
• Dance to a song you hear on the radio.
• Laugh at things you find funny.
• Hug a friend.
• Say hello to the person you buy your coffee from, or the cashier at the supermarket, or someone waiting for the bus with you. Admire a cute dog or a happy baby in a pram. Look for opportunities to interact with another person.
• Take the time to sit down and eat a meal. No rushing, no running off to attend to something. Just you and the meal. If you eat it with others enjoy their company. Just be there with your meal.
Set reminders on your phone and in your calendar to make those micro moments and make them count.
Self-care is about loving and honouring yourself. Remember, if you don’t take the time to care for yourself you are not going to be able to care for others.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with reducing your stress and improving your self-care, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When you are in a difficult situation it can be hard to see a way out of it.
Often the way out of the situation is to change the perspective on that situation.
This is what I describe as moving around the circle of the problem.
Moving Around the Circle of the Problem
If you imagine the problem as an object in front of you.
Imagine there is a circle around the problem and you are standing on a spot on that circle.
The spot you are standing on is one of great difficulty with no seeming way out of the problem.
But what is you took a step to the left or right around the circle? What would the problem look like then?
Using the Circle of the Problem
This is something I have used for most of my adult life. It is something that is possible to learn and apply with determination and intention.
The next time you find yourself with a problem to solve try this.
Imagine yourself standing on a circle looking at the problem.
Then imagine you are taking a step to the left or right. As you take that imaginary step, do so with the intention of seeking the problem from a different angle.
It is amazing how solvable a problem looks when you just take a step to one side or another of a problem.
Take Time to Consider the Problem
Sometimes you need time to sit with a problem before you are able to see it from another perspective.
There are many ways to give yourself time.
Sometimes sleeping on the problem can be a good way to prepare to take that step. Things are always easier to attend to when you are well rested.
You can also put the problem aside and do something else. Maybe you decide to have a walk, go out with friends, meditate.
Find a Trusted Confidant to Share the Problem With
Another way of preparing to take that step is to discuss the problem with someone else who is prepared to listen and be your sounding board. The ideal person will listen and ask questions to allow you to explore your feelings around the problem and to test the various solutions you may consider or different perspectives you may have. You need someone who can be neutral and not push their solution on you.
This is where a counsellor can be very helpful. We are trained to listen and help you explore all options and your feelings around them.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your problem, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When I talk to people about all things having an energy, even inanimate objects, they often look at me as though I am weird. But do you know that Albert Einstein theorised this very thing? Quantum science has now proven Einstein’s theory by using sensitive instruments to measure the energy objects give off.
Nikola Tesla, who pioneered modern electrical systems spoke of the understanding of the Universe being unlocked by measuring energy, frequency and vibrations.
Energy Vibrations
Vibrations are best defined as being states of being. As the energy given off by something or someone. Vibrations exist because the atoms that are the building blocks of all things vibrate. Different types of atoms vibrate at different speeds. Even things like wood, rocks, the ground vibrate.
This is where the trendy term “vibes” comes from. The theory of all things vibrating at different frequencies.
Often that term is misused by people who don’t understand the true meaning of vibrations or the science behind them.
We Can All Sense Energy Vibrations
It is possible for animals and people to sense vibrations. We don’t consciously do it. Vibrations are part of non verbal communication. We can detect such communication without being aware we are doing it. Of course you can consciously choose to become aware of these sensations, but in reality you pick them up anyway.
You give off vibrations all the time. You can’t not do it.
I realised this many years ago when people always seemed to pick up on the days when I had a low mood, even though I deliberately suppressed it and didn’t tell others how I was feeling.
Energy Attracts Or Repels
In life those vibrations are what often attract or repel us to/from other people. It is why you may avoid a particular person when you are feeling down because you have sensed subconsciously that their negative energy will drag you down.
If you are feeling lacking in energy, or depressed, you are likely to give off lower frequency vibrations than at times when you are feeling upbeat, happy, full of energy. If you are angry the vibrations you give off will be different again.
Energy is A Vital Part of Intuition
If you pay attention to these deep seated messages, the ones that get bundled into the term “intuition”, you will become aware of the way some people attract you and others repel you.
Interestingly researchers have devised a scale for the energy levels of different emotions. The scale ranges from zero to 1,000. This is how various feelings have been ranked:
• 20 – shame
• 100 – fear
• 200 – courage, being willing to take responsibility for your own actions and feeling and also the first level of empowerment. Interesting to know that empowerment has an energy ranking!
• 500 – love
• 700 – enlightenment
Reiki, a form of energy healing, has been found to have the capacity to raise a person’s personal vibration. This also impacts on the Reiki practitioner which explains why not only my client but I also experience higher energy after I perform a Reiki healing on my client.
All Energy Levels Are Important To Experience
As with all things in life, it is important to experience the highs and the lows. Those lower energy experiences are not pleasant, but they are the place where we are able to learn, change and grow.
As part of mindfulness practice, I teach clients to pay attention to their energy levels. What am I feeling now? What is my energy? It is possible to develop awareness of your energy levels and even work at ways to improve your energy.
Once your energy starts to lift is keeps lifting. High energy attracts more energy, whereas low energy repels energy.
11 Ways To Raise Your Energy
There are 11 ways you can bring yourself out of a low energy state and into higher vibration energy.
1.Gratitude.
Making a conscious decision to see the things to be thankful for increases your energy vibrations. Remembering that at the energy vibration of 200 you are empowered, raising that energy level will lead to you feeling more powerful. Understanding that you have that control, that life is full of things to be thankful for, increases your wisdom as well.
2.Moving Your Body
Moving your body can also raise your energy vibrations. Conversely, sitting too long will drop them.
Have you ever noticed how you resist moving when you are feeling resentful and wanting to hold on to that feeling? Once you start moving through rhythmic movement it is hard to maintain that level of energy.
Dancing, especially to music is one of the most effective ways to move your body and raise those energy vibrations. You can dance at an exercise class or dance at home on your own. Research suggests that 10 minutes of moving to your favourite music will start shifting your energy vibrations upwards.
3.Eat Nutrient Dense Foods
Food has its own energy vibration. The more nutrient dense the food is, the better the energy vibration.
Have you ever noticed how weighed down you feel after indulging in a lot of junk food? Even alcohol can reduce your energy levels.
On the flip side, you may have noticed that when you eat well you feel so much lighter.
Food has a major impact on your energy vibrations.
4.Meditation
As I have already mentioned, Mindfulness meditation trains you to be aware of your body. You can better understand your own energy vibrations and be better able to address those issues that lower your energy.
5.Touch
There has been a lot of research over the past decade or so on the benefits of touch.
The finding that premature babies do better when they are touched has led to skin to skin contact with their parents becoming common practice. This has led to better outcomes and higher survival rates among these babies.
Research has also found the negative impact of the lack of touch for the elderly living in nursing homes or isolated at home.
Simply touching someone on the arm when they are distressed is comforting. If you have ever had someone do that to you then you will probably be aware of that comforting sensation. It is soothing, sends the message you are not alone and that someone cares. In fact researchers have found that touch can be a very effective pain relief.
Massage is a form of touch that is particularly powerful. It has been shown to rebalance hormones and reduce cortisol (stress hormone) levels.
Touch releases a powerful hormone often referred to as the love hormone. This hormone is oxytocin. It assists people to feel that sense of connection and safety. It also increases energy vibrations. Higher energy of course means you will feel better and happier.
6.Giving and Receiving
Withholding love, time or even making negative comments about others lowers your energy frequency. Conversely, being generous with your praise, love and time raises your energy. Making the effort to give to others generously increases what you receive as well. So everyone benefits.
7.Be with Positive People
When you spend time with friends who have a high energy it raises your energy as well. This is why it is sometimes better when you are feeling low to make the decision to go out and set the intention to enjoy yourself. That raises your energy so it doesn’t bring your friends down and their high energy raises yours. If the friends you are with understand your difficulties and want to support you then you can raise your energy higher.
8.Make the Decision to Open Your Heart.
Is there someone in your life, either now or in the past, who you loved so much that even thinking about them made you feel happy and lighter?
Did thinking about them make you feel better and that your mood lifted?
Love is one of the highest energy vibration states you can experience. When you love someone your energy is always raised and you feel on top of the world.
Loving yourself is also important. When you spend time caring for you and doing nice things for you that lifts your mood as well.
A great example of that is when you get a new outfit that you feel looks great on you. Or you get a new hairstyle and you are very happy with that. You walk out feeling on top of the world. This is self love.
9.Breathing
When life is stressful you tend to take shallow, quick breaths. This sends a message to your brain that you are in danger and increases cortisol levels in your body. The more you shallow breathe the higher the cortisol levels rise.
It is important to breathe slowly and deeply when you start to feel stressed. There are various ways you can deepen your breathing and slow it down.
• One is to breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4 and wait for 4 before taking the next breath.
• Another is to breathe in, paying attention to your tummy and chest as they rise. You may like to place a hand over your chest and another over your tummy and focus on feeling them rise as you slowly breathe in. If you are breathing properly you will feel them both rise. When you finish the in breath hold your breath for a few seconds. Then breathe out slowly through pursed lips. After a few breaths you can imagine you are breathing in peace as you breathe in and breathing out tension as you breathe out. It is a good idea to do this exercise until you feel calmer. A minimum of 10 breaths works best.
10.A Nice Warm Bath
If you like baths then you can try the old favourite of a lovely bath. Lock the door, dim the lights, light some candles and add some lovely bath oils to the water. You could even play some relaxing music.
Make sure the water is quite warm but not so hot it makes you sweat.
Water is a great energy lifter and many people find this practice relaxing and energising.
11.Be In Nature
Extensive research has shown the benefits of being in nature. Blood pressure lowers, cortisol levels lower and people feel more relaxed. Your energy levels also rise.
Even looking at pictures of nature is relaxing and energising, although no substitute for the real thing.
If you are not close to bushland then going to a park or the beach is effective.
Place your feet flat on the ground and pay attention to the feeling in the soles of your feet as you connect to the ground. Feel the energy of the earth as it enters your feet, then moves up your body. Don’t worry if you can’t feel it immediately, it can take time to learn to connect to energy.
Another thing you can do is hug or touch a tree. It is not a joke, you really can feel the energy of the tree by touching it.
Sitting listening to the sounds of the trees in the breeze, to birds, insects is calming. If you go to the beach you can stand bare foot at the ends of the water and allow the waves to gently touch your feet. Listen to the sound of the waves, the wind, and the birds.
All these things are really relaxing and energising.
If you have a garden, spending time out in the garden with your plants and the grass can also be energising.
I Practice What I Preach
I am often asked what I do to manage with the big stories and low energy of so many beautiful souls who come to see me.
Firstly I reply that it is a privilege to work with such strong survivors, battered as they are, they are determined to heal.
Second I reply that I have my own practices that keep my energy high so that I can share that energy with those who come to see me.
I do follow the 11 ways in my own life, here are some of the things I do:
• Gratitude. I have a daily practise of writing down 10 things I am grateful for at the end of each day. I also make not during the day of anything I think is wonderful and express gratitude for it. Examples of this are: a beautiful sunrise, watching the birds in my garden, seeing a dog smiling up at its owner as it is being walked, someone letting me out of the end of my street in heavy traffic, a child running around with delight and so many more. I make my entire day an opportunity to express gratitude. I also set the intention that I am not going to get annoyed by the things other people do. To counter annoyance I look for something good to say about that person. That quickly defuses any annoyance I may be feeling.
• Moving my body. I dance to music, walk through the bush, and never miss an opportunity to express my delight through movement.
• Eating nutrient dense food: I delight to eat as many wholefoods as I can, while avoiding foods high in sugar. I eat a lot of vegetables, which I love. I have learned to take the time to notice what I am eating and enjoy it, and by doing that needing less food. I love how good my body feels when I eat nutrient dense foods.
• Mindfulness and other meditation. I get up early every morning and start the day with meditation. Sometimes I listen to a guided meditation, sometimes I listen to music and focus on the music. Other times I focus on my breath. After I am finished I stretch my body then meditatively paint. As a Reiki practitioner I meditate on the 5 Reiki Principles to release my investment in staying hurt and angry, to release worry and be mindful of the present moment, to be grateful and appreciate all the wonders and blessings of life, to do my work diligently, even seemingly small insignificant tasks and to show compassion for all living things. This is a wonderful way to reset and to set the tone of the rest of the day.
• Touch. I love giving and receiving hugs. I hug my family, my dogs, my friends. I grew up in a family that never touched. Learning how to hug opened up my world in such a powerful way. I also schedule regular massages to help settle my nervous system.
• Giving and Receiving. I give compassion and acceptance to as many people as I can. When I encounter other people I choose to consider their needs and what is happening in their lives rather than find fault or take offense with what they do. When I am hurt by the things of life, or feeling overwhelmed I have a beautiful tribe of women I can turn to for support. I have learned to be very proactive in seeking help.
• Be with positive people. I have found in my life that being with the people I know who lift my energy is important. It helps that those people are such beautiful, caring people. I have also learned to not take on the negative energy of others. I also have made the decision to not have contact with people who are overwhelmingly negative and sap my energy. This is about honouring my needs and my self care.
• I choose to open my heart and risk having friendships with other people. I know that if I am burned in that relationship I will hurt and need time to feel that hurt and heal from it. But I am strong enough to survive. I will continue to risk hurt by opening myself to friendships.
• Breathing. As part of my meditative practice I focus on my breathing and on breathing deeply and slowly. Because I practice this it is easy for me to practice slowing and deepening my breathing when I am in a stressful situation.
• I do on occasion have a nice warm bath. It is a lovely way to destress.
• Be in nature. As often as I can I go out into nature. I hug trees, sit at their base, sit beside water as it runs past in creeks and cascades. I gaze at the sky, noting the clouds and the colours of the sky. I look for the moon and the different constellations of stars in the night sky. I listen for the sounds of the birds in the day and the flying foxes and owls at night. I love to walk amongst the trees and look up at their magnificence and delight in the wonder of them. Even if I can’t get out into the bush there are places near where I live where trees tower over the footpath and I can gaze up at them. It is not hard to incorporate the 11 ways to raise your energy into your life. Why not try it yourself?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to raise your energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
So many people struggle with thoughts that go around and around in their heads. Not nice thoughts, but ones that bother you and destroy your enjoyment of activities during waking hours. Thoughts the keep you aware at 1am, 2am, 3am and so on.
If you are going to be thinking in circles about something then why not turn your thoughts to seeing if you can resolve the issue that is bothering.
Here are the questions to ask:
Am I Aware How Long I Have Been Having This Thought?
Have you actually been thinking about this thing for a long time, or does it just feel like it. Maybe it is a thought that keeps repeating and it just seems to be going round in your head.
The next question to ask yourself is”
2. Is now a good time to be thinking about this?
If the thought is bothering you the answer is probably no.
Then you need to ask yourself the next question:
3. Is There Something I Am Avoiding?
So often something that is bothering you spins around in your mind but you don’t explore it. This is often because the thought is so overwhelming that you don’t feel you can manage what comes next.
The reality is, exploring this thought further can help you resolve it.
When those distressing thoughts revolve in your mind they are often indicators of something deeper that needs processing. This is why you ask the question.
When you ask the question be prepared to sit with the question and wait for the answer to arise.
When the answer comes to you, allow yourself to explore it further:
• Where in your body is the thought?
• How long has it been there in your body?
• What is the thought about? There is often something that you have not processed that is bugging you until you process it.
• Is now a good time to work through this thought? You might be at work, or it may be the middle of the night and you feel you can’t attend to it. If that is so then set a time to attend to it. Visualise yourself putting the thought on that time and tell yourself that is when it will be dealt with.
When Exploring A Question Doesn’t Bring Relief Try Something Else
Sometimes recurring thoughts are too difficult to resolve, and you may need help. It is unlikely you will get help immediately. In the interim you may need to put that thought aside until you can attend to it.
If this recurring thought is during the day then change what you are doing and do something that will occupy your mind.
Maybe you want to do something that requires your full attention.
Maybe you want to talk to someone.
A change of scenery can dislodge that thought. Try changing where you are working. If you can, go for a walk.
Observation using your senses can also be useful.
• Look around you.
• Name 5 things you can see.
• Now name 5 things you touch. Name what they feel like to touch.
• Now name 5 things you can smell. Name them.
• Name 5 things you can hear and describe what you are hearing.
If it is the early hours of the morning, rather than tossing and turning, unable to get back to sleep and those thoughts just going on and on then get up and do something else for a little while.
Maybe you have a good book to read. Maybe you can listen to music. Just choose something that will not wake you up too much and so that thing until you feel able to go back to sleep.
Most people find it takes half an hour or so before they have cleared their mind enough to go back to sleep. If you can’t, allow yourself to accept that and find something enjoyable and restful to do. Yes you may be tired the next morning, but you will be less stressed. Maybe you will sleep better the next night.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your incessant thoughts or attending to the underlying issues, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
