Is That Drink You Just Have To Have, A Lot, Worrying You? Or The Cigarettes You Just Can’t Give Up? This Is Why You Are Likely To Need Counselling Help To Stop.

Research over many decades has shown that trauma in childhood has impacts that extend throughout childhood into adulthood. These impacts include poor mental health, substance abuse and addiction, as well as physical health impacts.

The Impact Of Trauma On Addiction

Extensive research has proven that people who experience trauma during childhood are more likely to be addicted to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs later in life.

What is trauma? Trauma as referred to in this blog is psychological harm to a person caused by experiences that are a significant threat to the individual or others close to them. Trauma can be emotional, physical, sexual abuse, an addicted parent, natural disasters and serious accidents.

What Is Addiction? What Does Trauma Have To Do With It?

Addiction can take many forms and cover a range of behaviours. For example, people who regularly consume alcohol may not be considered alcoholic, but their dependence on alcohol to feel more relaxed, less socially awkward or cope with stress reveals reliance on alcohol that fits the definition of addiction.

With the recent increase in vaping, including a dramatic increase in teens who vape, there has been a recognition of vaping as another concerning form of addiction.

Research looking at teens who vape has shown that the majority were exposed to trauma below the age of 12.

This is consistent with research looking at teens who drink alcohol, smoke tobacco or use other drugs.

The Dangers Of Physically Addictive Substances

Many substances people take are not physically addictive. This means that once the psychological need for the substance is attended to, the person can manage without the substance.

Other substances are physically addictive. This means that trying to stop using the substance will result in more difficult physical cravings as well as psychological ones. Nicotine is one of the most physically addictive substances people take.

Cigarettes and Vapes contain nicotine. Although vapes are by law banned from containing nicotine, around 99% of vapes confiscated in Australia have been found to contain nicotine.

It Can Take Many Attempts To Overcome Your Addiction To Nicotine

Nicotine is an extremely addictive substance that is physically addictive as well as psychologically addictive. It takes less nicotine for a teenager to be addicted than for an adult. Also their brains respond with stronger cravings when seeking to stop.

Anyone addicted to nicotine will struggle to quit. The strong physical cravings and the trauma that led to the addiction in the first place are strong barriers to quitting.

It can take many attempts to stop before the addict is able to stop.

The Importance Of Counselling In Overcoming Addiction

As an addict you will be better able to stop if you receive counselling support and nicotine replacement therapy.

The importance of counselling support is learning how to cope with feelings that have been self medicated, often for years, with alcohol, cigarettes and other substances.

Why Families And Social Environments Are Not Suitable Supports

Trauma most often occurs in the family and social environments. Many people start using substances as teenagers, modelling their behaviour on the coping behaviours of the adults in their lives.

Instead of learning healthy ways of dealing with the stress of the trauma, unhealthy ways are learned and passed down through the generations.

Self-Medicating and Brain Development

Using these addictive substances is known as self-medicating. You have a drink and feel calmer, you smoke or vape and feel you can manage things better and so on.

All of these addictive substances physically damage the body, as well as causing harm to the brain.

Neuroscientists studying the impacts of this self-medicating report that it causes damage to the developing brain of teenagers and results in the brain not developing properly. This is more damaging than damage to existing brain structures as occurs in adulthood because it prevents part of the brain developing.

So it is important to stop

Why The Ideal Supports Are Not Ideal

Ideally, stopping using an addictive substance would involve support from family and friends. For many people this support will not happen because this is the source of their trauma and learned unhealthy coping behaviours.

For this reason, counselling support is essential so that you can process and heal from the trauma and learn healthy coping strategies to replace the addictive substance.

There is also a possibility that if you stop your addiction to a substance without treating the underlying trauma that has caused it, you may switch to another substance of addiction.

Trauma, Stress and Addiction

It is also known that trauma has an impact on the development of the brain. Trauma can result in brain changes that lead to greater impulsivity and risk taking behaviour. This doesn’t apply to everyone who has encountered trauma, but is frequently seen.

Far more common is the impact trauma has on the brain’s ability to manage stress. Someone with a trauma history is more likely to be more reactive to stress and less able to cope with it.

If you add the damage to the brain by addiction to the damage caused by trauma then it is really problematic for you.

It is possible to learn how to manage stress, but for this you need a qualified counsellor.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your problem drinking or smoking/vaping, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

9 Steps To Surviving Grief At Christmas

When you are grieving December can be so difficult. Everywhere and everything is Christmas.

Advertising, social media posts, the shops, friends with Christmas Parties and Christmas Greetings, Community events. Everywhere there is the suggestion of a joyous time with company, mostly family, and a great time to be experienced.

People are exhorted to be happy and any suggestion of not feeling happy or not wanting to celebrate is greeted with derision and suggestions of Bah Humbug.

When you are grieving, especially when this is the first Christmas since your loss, it can be so painful. So difficult to experience when your whole existence is crying out in pain.

Rubbing Salt Into The Wound

This time of year often carries the stab of pain at every reminder that you are missing someone in your world. The reminder that this Christmas will be without that person. It is like rubbing salt into the wound of your grief.

There may be pressure on you at this time of year to not express your sorrow. You may be told it is not fair to those who want to enjoy the season. But what is fair for you?

Mourning Is An Important Survival Strategy

Mourning is important at any time of year. It allows you to express your grief in ways that allow you to process it.

It is likely that the way to survive this time of year is to mourn. You may not want to be sad at a time you may previously have been very happy, but if sad is your current reality then sad it will be.

Here Are Things You Can Do To Help You Survive Christmas And The New Year.

Give yourself permission to grieve.
Also give yourself permission to enjoy the day and have fun, even if only for brief periods of the day. You are not dishonouring the one you lost but experiencing moments of joy and happiness within your grief.
Acknowledge your grief and pain.
This may involve doing something to honour the memory of the one you loved.
Also vital is to be willing to be honest about what you need this Christmas.

You may not want to observe all the activities your family traditionally participated in.

You may not want to have a big Christmas as you usually do. You may want to be alone, or have only a few people around. Some people go on holidays so that they aren’t home. Other people always set a seat at the table for the one who is gone.
The most important thing for you to do before making plans is to check in with yourself. How are you? Do you already have thoughts about what you want to do?
Make a plan
Don’t wing it this year. Take the time to sit down and decide what will be best for you and your mourning.
Research has shown that those who plan for important days cope with those days better than those who don’t plan. Making a plan doesn’t mean you will carry it out, but it gives you something to focus on.
In your plan include the one you lost. Include their name, memories of them, stories about them. You may be in a group and openly talk about them or you may be alone reminiscing. If you are in a group organise with some in the group to back you up in case others in the group try to shut you down (usually due to their discomfort).
Have a Plan B as well as a Plan A.
You may plan in advance to be with other people at the Christmas celebration. But closer to the day you may realise you can’t do it.

This is where Plan B comes in. Have a backup plan of what you will do if you can’t proceed with Plan A.

Plan B may involve plans to spend the day alone and how you will spend that day.
It may involve going to the Plan A activity but leaving after a short while there. Plan B may also involve just cancelling Christmas and not doing anything to mark the day. If you do that remember that you will not be able to escape the reminders that it is Christmas and plan how you will manage that.

Whatever you decide, be okay with it. Let go of the need to honour traditions because not honouring them may impact on other people. Your needs need to be honoured.
If You Plan To Be With Others at Christmas Be Okay With That.
Not everyone wants to be alone at Christmas. Some people draw comfort from the festivities, even if they are reminders of the one who is gone.
If you plan to be alone organise something you will do.
This doesn’t mean you have to be ‘busy’ with solo activities. It just means you have a plan for how you will spend the day.
Create new traditions.
You may want to visit the place their remains are interred. You may want to donate to a charity in their name. You may play a game or watch a movie they particularly loved. You may light a candle for them. You may set a place for them at the table. There are myriad ways you can acknowledge them. The only limit is your imagination.
Acknowledge that it is Christmas.
You can also plan to pretend the day doesn’t exist when you get to it, but make sure it is planned. Be mindful that your inner experience is one of celebrating this time of year and ignoring it is often difficult. Will you be okay if your decision to ignore Christmas doesn’t work?
Have a support network.
Your support network includes people who listen without judgement or giving advice.

How Do You Make Your Plan?

• Allow time to formulate your plan.

• First reflect on how you have celebrated Christmas in the past. Were there things done every year? Will they continue? How will you cope if they continue, or don’t continue?

• Make a list of those traditions.

• Decide what you want to do with those Christmas traditions.

• Make a list of those you want to participate in and why.

• Make a list of those you feel you just can’t face doing this year and why.

• Make another list of traditions you might observe and why.

• Writing down your reasons for continuing or pausing traditions helps you to clarify how you feel about them.

• Think of ways you can honour the one you are grieving both in things you already do at Christmas and in new ways. Do you want to honour this person with others or on your own?

• Give yourself permission to grieve and to cry. Also give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, to attend to your own needs.

A checklist to making a plan.

 List what you normally do at this time of year. This includes things such as buying presents, sending Christmas cards, cooking food, visiting people, attending Christmas parties and so on.

 Make another list of the things your family traditionally does at Christmas. This includes meeting for meals, visiting each other, going places, special traditions you follow, present giving and so on.

 When you have made that list ask yourself
? Do I Feel Like Doing it?
? Can I skip it this year? Why or Why Not?
? Can someone else do this for me or help me?
? If I feel I need to do something Why do I need to do it?
? Can anything make a task or obligation easier?
? How can I bring the memory of the one I am grieving into these activities?
? What new traditions can I create to honour their memory and what they meant to me?

Following these guidelines will help you to understand what you need and want this year. Remember plans are not set in concrete. You can always choose not to follow them.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: https://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Suppressing Your Thoughts And Feelings Seems Right, But It Isn’t.

In the current world there is a general belief that if an emotion is too hard you just suppress it. Force it under.

One of the main styles of therapy that is presented as “the correct way” to be and to operate tells you that these uncomfortable thoughts and emotions are faulty and wrong. You just have to work harder. You have to will harder. You can over come this.

But the truth is all the will in the world will not heal those uncomfortable thoughts and emotions.

I Failed Magic Wand Class

I see a lot of people who come to me for that style of therapy. They think it will be like a magic wand that I wave and in a few sessions they will be all fixed.

If only it were so.

The Myth Of Instant Gratification

We all want things to be achieved instantly.

Instead of working hard at following a correct diet and activity regime, we want to take a pill to lose weight.

Instead of working through those uncomfortable emotions. Instead of allowing time for those emotions to heal. Instead of allowing time for our brains to make the necessary changes to heal. Instead of doing all this we want it to be better instantly.

Having to work at something is hard and in this modern world with instant everything working at something is not what we have been taught to expect or have to do.

So maybe you come to me expecting instant results.

The Reality Of Healing

Sometimes the difficulty you are experiencing can be resolved with one or two counselling sessions.

Other times the difficulty will need longer.

Maybe your expectations have been raised by the passion for “the correct way”. You expect I will tell you what is wrong with you and you will do some homework and exercises and keep them up and you will be all better.

After all, it is so much easier to push things down and pretend they don’t exist than deal with them.

Isn’t it?

The Lure Of Running From Those Uncomfortable Feelings

So you run from those uncomfortable feelings. But they come after you.

So you run from them with alcohol, or cigarettes, or drugs or other addictions.

That works for a while, until the effects wear off. Then what do you do?

Running Is Like The Scab Over A Cut

As a former Registered Nurse, I liken the suppressing of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings to a scab that has formed over a cut.

You cut yourself, it hurts and it bleeds. Your body starts work immediately, defending from infection and commencing healing. First you will see a scab form. Ah! Its getting better.

But is it?

If all goes well, the scab forms, healing occurs underneath and the scab eventually falls off to reveal healed skin underneath.

But it doesn’t always go well.

Under that scab there is an infection. Pus forms and is trapped underneath the scab. That cut hurts. That cut is not healing as you thought it should.

The pus builds up. The cut hurts more.

I watched a colleague once remove the scab on a man’s leg. Her comment is so relevant here.

“I never trust a scab. It hides things that shouldn’t be there.”

She had noticed the signs of infection under the scab.

Scab removed, the cut was able to be cleaned and the infection cleared up. Not overnight, but over a matter of days with continued cleansing until the infection was cleared.

Counselling is like that.

Healing Requires Work and Time

If you want to resolve those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings you need to work at them.

I am not going to tell you that your thoughts are “faulty”. They aren’t.

I am not going to instruct you to not think about them. I will help you examine them to find what lies underneath them.

I may not seem to be “working” with you, but I am.

I Trust You To Be Able To Heal, Maybe With Help

I trust you as a person to have the ability to heal those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings with my assistance.

By assistance I mean that I will help you identify what is actually going on. I will tell you that what you are experiencing is a normal way for your brain to respond to your circumstances. Then I will help you work with your brain as it heals.

I will help you understand the unconscious parts of your brain that you cannot control consciously. I will help you heal those, which will often involve feeling into your body as well as allowing your brain to express itself through art, sand play, movement or other expressive methods.

I will tell you that things take time. Because your brain can’t rebuild new neural circuits overnight. Expect a few months at least.

I Don’t Use A Magic Wand

Whatever you do, don’t be like the people who come expecting me to wave my magic wand and make you all better in one session. See the start of progress, no matter how slight, as the wonderful evidence that healing has started.

And don’t tell your children they just need some “strategies” to cope with those painful thoughts and emotions when what they actually need is compassion and understanding that what is happening in their life hurts and it is okay to hurt.

Soldiering On Doesn’t Work

Wanting to be able to just “soldier on” was a wonderful marketing ploy for a drug company selling cold and flu tablets. We apply solider on to everything, including emotional pain. But there is no instant fix and even the “soldier on” message has been shown to be the worst treatment for those colds and flu.

Allow time. If you need to see a counsellor expect it to not be instant and be very wary of someone who tells you your thoughts are “faulty”.

In The Next Blog

I mentioned the pain of dealing with painful thoughts and emotions.

In the past few weeks I have seen a lot of people who have struggled with other people inadvertently causing them pain through their questions.

How are you? To the person struggling to cope with the death of their partner.

What is your job? To the person just made redundant.

What do your parents do? To the teenager who is grieving the death of their father.

These seemingly innocent comments can cause a lot of pain. So what can you do to avoid those foot in mouth blunders?

I will talk more about this in my next blog.t

Can I Help?

In the meantime, if you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your thoughts and feelings, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Importance of To Don’t Lists

It is very easy to get caught up in the pressure to do more. This is particularly so at this time of year when people are sharing their wrap of the old year and their plans for all they are going to do and achieve in the new year.

I recently read an article that suggested another way to respond to this pressure. Instead of a To Do list, it involved a To Don’t List.

How Much Is Okay To Do In A Day?

Before I continue I want to qualify that it is fine to add extra things to your day, if you can do it without overburdening yourself.

For example, A few years ago I found myself waking up between 4 and 5am in the morning. It became an unproductive time for me because I would lie awake worrying about things. This resulted in me waking up feeling quite stressed and often fairly down.

So I decided to add into that time a morning meditation routine. That worked a treat. Instead of lying awake worrying, I spent the time relaxing and focusing on positive things. This was the birth of my “Paint Your Soul” routine and workshops.

When Adding Extra To Your Day Is Not Helpful

But what if normal for you was you sleeping soundly until the alarm sounded and getting up to start your day?

What if you decided to get up earlier to do something you wanted to fit in to your day? What if getting up earlier was not something your body coped with? What if instead you found yourself tired for the rest of the day?

Whereas my earlier start and morning meditation suited my situation, an earlier start may not suit you.

Making The Decision To Pull The Plug On Too Many To Dos

During the years I was raising 4 children, attending to the needs of the family and working part time, I found myself increasingly burdened with too many things to fit in to a day. As a result I was constantly exhausted, struggling to do everything and getting very stressed.

I realised I needed to reduce my workload. It wasn’t easy to do. I decided my priorities were my marriage, my children, clean clothes, clean dishes and food. Everything else was drastically reduced. If it didn’t serve me, it went.

Sometimes to protect yourself and your health you need to be brutal in making decisions to cut back on activities.

Writing A To Don’t List

In this article the writer talked about having a To Don’t List.

This was a decision made to set strict boundaries around her time.

I had To Don’ts. I just didn’t realise I had them.

One was that once the family sat down to eat in the evening the phone would not be answered. I had an answering machine (yes this was a couple of decades ago) so I knew people could leave a message. This allowed the family to focus on eating together, sitting down after dinner to talk or watch television together, and put the children to bed.

Another was to restrict how many invitations a week I accepted. Once I reached the limit I said no to any more invitations. It was hard to miss out on things, but I found it got easier as I enjoyed the time I had to attend to what was important.

Why A Written To Don’t List Works Better

You may have things you decide you won’t do, but find yourself falling into the trap of agreeing to do things on the spur of the moment.

For example, you may decide to spend your day off visiting a friend you haven’t seen in a long time. You haven’t put it in your calendar but you are planning to catch up with them. Then you get a phone call from the group you volunteer with to fill in for another person who is sick. They are so desperate. There is no
one else. You find yourself saying yes and cancelling your friend’s visit.

So here’s a worst case scenario. You miss out on catching up with your friend and are never able to have that catch up because your calendars never have a matching gap and your friend suddenly dies.

The charity you volunteer for? You get there and find there are more people there than needed. Later you discover you were the first person they rang and there were a number of people who would have been happy to fill in that day.

You don’t know when you are asked to do something what the future holds. You don’t know if you are desperately needed or not, or whether the person ringing you is anxious about filling a gap in a roster and wants to fill that gap with the minimum number of phone calls.

When you write your To Dont’s down it is easier to stick to them. There is something about the act of writing things down on a list that you can see that makes them harder to ignore.

Someone once told me that she puts everything in her calendar, including taking time out for “me” time. That way when someone contacts her wanting her to do something that clashes with her me time she just says no. It is in her calendar and she has learned the value of “me” time.

Guarding Your Time Is An Ongoing Process

I still fall into the trap of doing too much, especially as so many people want to see me before Christmas and I have so many friends I want to catch up with at many Christmas Gatherings. The past few Christmases I have found myself staggering over the finish line of Christmas Eve and spending Christmas feeling very unwell. Next Christmas? There will be a formal list with To Don’ts around the number of people I can see in a day. I won’t exceed my limit of people I see on a normal day. This is because I love catching up with my friends. Now that my children are grown up I have added my friends to my priority list. They are essential for my well being.

I still make decisions that involve To Don’ts. Now that I have read about To Don’t Lists I will be formalising my To Dont’s and taking them more seriously.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with setting boundaries around your time and deciding what is necessary and how to fit it in to your life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How To Stop Your Stories Causing You To Fail

“The stories we tell ourselves can either empower or weaken us. When we live in our heads, we don’t appreciate the current moment. Sometimes we are so busy crafting our stories that we miss the importance of what is happening right now. Take a moment to stop, take a breath, and notice everything that is happening. Appreciate what is and allow what is going to happen to enter naturally into your life.” ~ Emily Silva.

Getting Caught Up In Stories

When you are more caught up in the stories you tell yourself, you can cause yourself to fail in the things you do because you pay more attention to the stories than the present moment.
It is an easy trap to fall into. It starts when you are first exposed to traumatic events, most likely in childhood. Everyone does this to a certain extent. There are myriad ways a child can be traumatised. And there are myriad stories to manage the overwhelming and impossible to process feelings associated with those traumatic incidents.
When things are overwhelming and impossible to process, and the child does not receive any assistance resolving this issue, the child will write their own narrative to explain what happened.

Children Are Masters At Writing Negative Stories About Themselves

Sadly, children are very good at added 2 and 2 and getting 500. So often the stories the child writes are disempowering. Children are more likely to blame themselves for something, even when it is not their fault. A child lacks an adult understanding of what is happening and may not have an adult available who can help them understand. So the child will be less likely to understand the context of what happens and therefore think they are to blame for what happened.

Of course, children are often blamed for things that happened when what happened had nothing to do with them. Sadly it is the nature of intergenerational trauma that adults will often default to using the language that was used on them as children. So most of us will get some words spoken to us that are hurtful.

Affirming Stories Can Cause Distractions Too

Other words spoken to you as a child can be ones that affirm you. That tell you that you are loved, capable, good at something, able to do something well. Those words empower you.

But they can lead to stories that distract you from the task at hand, or expect you to be unrealistic about what you can achieve.

The Power Of The Narrative In Your Head To Distract You

The words that you hear become a narrative in your head. They may empower you and fill you with confidence. Or they may weaken you and fill you with anxiety and doubt.

They may fill you with the sense that you should achieve an impossibly high standard. When you don’t achieve that you can be left feeling you have failed when you have actually done very well, just not as well as you thought you should.

Your narrative may also fill you with the sense that you can’t do this so that achieving what you want becomes almost impossible.

Narratives Can Distract You

No matter what words the narrative contains, it can distract you from being in the moment and focusing on what you are doing. They can even trip you up and cause you to not be able to complete your tasks effectively. They can also stop you from enjoying and being part of what you are doing.
It is worth remembering to stop and notice what you do as you do it. Better to fill your head with awareness of the present moment, than be distracted by the narratives playing in your head.

When you stop and pay attention you are more likely to be able to evaluate how you are going and see the progress you are making than being caught up in narratives that cause you to lose sight of what you are actually doing.

Awareness of the present moment also allows you to make instant changes in what you are doing that increase your ability to succeed. You are more likely to succeed in your tasks if you are in the present moment.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with being in the present moment and changing your negative narrative, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Live Life. Don’t Just Survive

Here, right now, stop.

Breathe deeply in and allow that breathe out slowly.

Breathe in and out a few more times.

Turn your attention to your heart centre.

Maybe you would like to place your hand over your heart.

Ask yourself the question:

Am I just surviving, or am I living my life creatively?

The Curse Of The Modern World

With the busy lives that are led in the modern world, it is easy to get caught up in just surviving. Rushing from activity to activity. Never stopping, never relaxing, never just having fun. Never allowing yourself to use your creative side to enrich and grow your life.

Scientists who study our ancient ancestors contend that once people were able to move away from spending all their time surviving, they had time and space to be creative. It was this creativity that allowed them to expand their lives and further improve their situation.

It was this time for creativity that allowed our ancestors to become farmers, then to devise new tools and weapons. This creativity allowed progress to occur.

Growing Creatively

In order to grow this way, our ancestors had to allow space in their lives to allow creativity to work.

When you become caught up in surviving, you lose that ability to expand your life and improve your situation. You get caught up in surviving. That is a scary, anxious place. It is a place where your quality of life deteriorates.

But it doesn’t need to be that way. You need to allow creativity back into your life. Creativity feeds your mind and your soul. It should work alongside survival, with its focus on your body.

Yes your body needs to survive, but so do your mind and soul.

Finding The Balance Between Survival and Creativity

Finding that balance between survival and creativity is essential for a happy, full, productive life.

One of the ways you can survive and be creative is to meditate. It is that action of stopping and allowing yourself to just be. In this moment. With nowhere to go. With nothing to do. Just be.

At the start of this blog I invited you to have a moment to just be. At the end of that moment, I invited you to ask yourself a question about how you are living your life.

It is in the moments that you stop and just allow yourself to be that allow you to find space for creativity in your life.

After you meditate and clear your mind to allow that sense of just being, there is a time for creativity to allow yourself to connect to your creative inner self. Your soul.

Connecting To Your Creativity

There are many things you can do. Some people write a journal. Some people write poetry. Others dance to their own sound or music.

Then there is painting. This is my preferred method of creativity. After I meditate I use water colour paints to paint what comes up for me in that moment.

This act of creativity has allowed me to discover deep insights into my life and my place in this world. This has allowed me to live, not just survive.

I run workshops to teach people this method of meditation.

Do You Want To Know More?

If you would like to find out more about meditating and creativity, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

PaintingYourSoul

7 Ways To Reduce Stress

When stress levels are high you can feel that things are out of control. You can feel overwhelmed with tasks and feel unable to cope with your massive To Do list.

Here are 7 “C” suggestions of things to do to feel better able to manage that stress.

1.Control

When you feel overwhelmed with things to do you don’t feel in control of your life. It feels more like life is controlling you and you are drowning in the busyness of it all. It is really important to find some space to think. So take time out. Even a few hours. Review everything you have on.

• Is there anything you can pass on to someone else to do?

• Is there anything non urgent you can move to another day/week/month?

• Which tasks need to be done so that your life can continue to function? (such as clean clothes, food, clean dishes, caring for children if you have any.)

• Which tasks are “like to do” rather than “need to do” tasks?

Question: what can you do to feel more in control of your life?

2.Competence

When you feel capable of completing the tasks you have to do, the tasks are easier to do. That doesn’t mean they won’t take time. You do need to be realistic about the amount of time a task will take and the amount of time you have available to complete your tasks.

Question: what skills do you need to learn or improve so that you can feel more competent?

3.Confidence

If you are confident that you can manage the unexpected obstacles to completing a task you are likely to feel less stress around attending to tasks. Fear of things going wrong and not knowing what to do is a major contributor to stress.

Question: how confident do you feel? Describe that level of confidence. What can you do to increase your confidence?

4.Connection

One of the best buffers against high stress levels are healthy relationships with other people. It is not so much about having great friends, but more about feeling you have a community around you that you belong to.

It is about having a network of people you can turn to for help when you need assistance, advice or other resources to complete your tasks.

Questions: Who are the people in your life you can go to for support or belonging? How might you make connections in the community? Do you have strong connection with family, friends, and your community?

5.Character

This may seem odd, but it is important the tasks you have to complete align with your values. Doing something you feel uncomfortable about is going to make you feel stressed and going to make the task a hard one to complete. That then leaves you with a To Do list with uncompleted tasks. That is a recipe for high stress.

Things to consider in this situation are:

• Who has assigned this task to you? Is it work related? Has a friend/family member asked you to do something? Is this something you feel you have to do because you don’t know of any other options?

• What is it about this task that you feel uncomfortable about?

• Which of your values does this task not align with?

• What other options are there for you to consider regarding this task?

• Do you have to do this task?

Questions: What are your values? What things you do make you feel uncomfortable? What is it about them that is uncomfortable?

6.Coping

There are myriad ways of coping. Some of those ways are helpful and some are unhelpful. Many people turn to alcohol or drugs to cope, but these are unhelpful because they never allow you to resolve the problem. It just becomes buried and that causes more problems. It is better to see a counsellor to learn coping techniques than resort to substances and behaviours that bury the problem. Some ways to cope are:

• Self care – take time out to do the things you love to do. Maybe you like a massage, or a visit to a float tank. Maybe you love seeing family or friends. Maybe you love walking in the bush or walking along the beach. Maybe movies are your self care.

• Relaxation – learn how to meditate. Guided meditations can be really great for that. Mindfulness is also a good meditation to do. Yoga or Qigong are also great for relaxation. Or you can find activities that are relaxing such as going to the beach, hugging a tree, a bush walk, jogging, walking, going to the gym and many more.

• Spending time on a relaxing hobby.

Questions: What do you usually do to cope when you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed? Is it helpful or unhelpful? What is something more helpful you could try?

7.Contribution

This one refers to the contribution you make to the community in which you live. It is about volunteering to help others. It may involve dropping in to say hello to an elderly neighbour. It may involve volunteering at a Homeless Shelter. It may be as simple as giving a family member a lift somewhere.

Contributing is part of connection. When you contribute to your local community you feel more connected and invested in your local community. Research has also found that people who are willing to help others are more likely to reach out for help when they need it.

Part of Contribution is allowing others to contribute to the needs in your life.

Questions: What can you do to contribute to your community? What can others do to help you?

Putting the 7 “C’s” into practice

Here are some important things to consider when managing high stress levels:

• Have healthy boundaries. Learn to say “no”. Learn to be okay to ask for help, but also to not be involved in something you don’t want to do. Learn how to stop people encroaching on your boundaries. This is an aspect of control in your life and also coping.

• Accept who you are. You are like anyone else and that is wonderful. You are unique. There are things you are good at, and things you are not as good at. There are things you know how to do, and things you have yet to learn how to do. Know your limitations and accept them. Learn the things you need to learn and accept it will take time to be competent. Know also when it is time to stop because you have realised you will never be able to do something competently. This is an aspect of control, competence, confidence and character.

• Practice a healthy lifestyle. Make sure you get enough sleep. Eat a diet that is well balanced and low in junk and high sugar foods. Move and exercise. This doesn’t mean you have to go to the Gym. It may mean you take a walk on the beach, go dancing with friends or dancing in your own living room. This is an aspect of control and coping.

• Ensure your routine includes time to attend to essential tasks and allows time for play. This is a big part of self care. If you don’t spend time relaxing and recharging your batteries you will not be able to complete those essential tasks. This is an aspect of coping and control.

• Embrace mistakes and failures. They are a normal part of life. They are also opportunities to learn and grow. A popular learning theory holds that we learn about something then try to do it. After we have done it we evaluate its success. Do I need to do it differently? Is there more I need to know? Have I learned something from this attempt to show me how to do it again? After evaluating, you try again. This goes on until you are able to complete the task. According to this theory mistakes and failures are a vital part of learning. This is an aspect of competence and developing confidence.

• Be creative. Try different ways of doing things. You may find a better way of organising your life. The creative ways I have devised throughout my life mean I can achieve a lot more than I could in earlier years. There were many creative ideas and some of them worked really well and I still use them. I still apply creativity to completing tasks. This is an important aspect of control and competence.

• Recognise and manage those things in life that will bring up unhappy memories that upset you. There will always be things like that. Maybe recognising why you were upset about something is possible and will help you be alert for that again. Recognising where the upset comes from is a great aid to being able to learn strategies to manage it. You can also see a counsellor to learn strategies when you are unable to.

• Talk to someone you trust when you need help.

• Can’t find anyone to talk to or who is helpful? Talk to a counsellor.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to reduce stress, set boundaries, accept yourself, feel more in control, competent, connected make connections, identify your values, learn method of coping, and develop the skills to identify ways to contribute in your community please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au