There has been extensive research into the impacts of stress on our physical and emotional health. It can cause our cells in our bodies to age faster.
There has also been extensive research into the benefits of taking time out to rest and relax.
But what exactly is rest and relaxation?
How do you overcome the subliminal messaging that you are wasting time if you aren’t achieving something, or ticking off something on your to do list?
How do you allow space in your life to just be, not do?
Seeing Breathing Space as Essential
It is time to stop seeing allowing breathing space as something you have to earn, or that is lazy or indulgent. It is time to realise that breathing space is a basic human need.
To have true breathing space you have to allow your brain to rest. The human brain is not designed to handle constant activity. Constant activity is detrimental to brain health. It also stifles creativity.
Spending time on the computer or on your phone does not rest your brain. In fact research has shown it can increase anxiety and depression.
In a busy day even 10 minutes of brain rest is helpful.
What Are The Benefits of Giving Your Brain a Rest?
Research has shown you focus better on tasks after a short brain rest.
Short breaks can also increase your energy levels and reduce feelings of fatigue.
Giving yourself breathing space also increases your creativity.
When your brain is overloaded it is tired and stressed. Irritability is more common as is also a reduction in compassion for self and others.
How Do You Allow Breathing Space Into Your Life?
• Focus on ‘nothing’
• Start small and work up to longer breathing space
• When in doubt, lie down.
To expand on this:
By focusing on ‘nothing’ you are actually practising mindfulness. In mindfulness you are not actually clearing your mind. This is a common misconception and leads many people to feel they have failed at meditation.
What you are doing is shifting your focus. Instead of your attention darting from one thing to another, you are instead focusing on one thing – your breathe. This focus on your breath is very relaxing. It sends a signal to your brain that you are safe and allows your brain to rest.
When thoughts enter your mind you just acknowledge them and don’t engage with them. It is like sitting in a waiting room. Other people come in and you notice they are there, but you do not talk to them. That is what you do with thoughts. You notice they are there, but you don’t engage with them.
Walking Meditation
Mindfulness can take many forms. In this blog I am talking about walking mindfulness meditation.
This involves a focus on walking. You pay attention to your breath and your feet as you put one foot down, then another. You can stop every so often to just notice what is around you and allow your focus to shift to those things. Then you can go back to noticing your breath and feet as you put one foot down.
You can do this anywhere, but it is best done outside on the ground. This adds the positive impact of nature into your breathing space activity.
Would you like to know more?
If you live on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia I run a Friday morning (7am) walking meditation group. We meet at Mooloolaba Surf Club at 7am and walk and meditate on the beach for an hour. This allows mindfulness to be combined with the breathing space effect of nature.
If you would like to know more about the Friday morning group, please contact me on nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to know more but cannot make my walking group, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au to arrange an appointment.
If you would like to learn even more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Did you know that emotions rise up and then fade within 90 seconds if you can identify your internal experience, give the emotions a name and allow them to flow?
If you try to suppress your emotions, or pretend they are not happening then they last longer and feel a lot more powerful.
When you feel an emotion you need to go surfing.
Just as a surfer rides a wave you need to allow yourself to rise up on the crest of the emotion. You need to get uncomfortable. You need to listen to what that discomfort is telling you. If you try to fight it then it will get worse.
If you listen to that discomfort and follow that discomfort to find the need under the feelings you are experiencing then you will ride that wave to the end and emerge with the emotion in the past.
Sometimes it can be hard to sit with that discomfort. Maybe you have never learned to feel safe with the discomfort. Maybe you don’t know how to search for the need that underlies the emotions.
If you come to see me about emotions you are experiencing, I will always help you sit with those emotions and listen to the discomfort that is there. You can learn to do this and sometimes you need help to learn.
Anger, frustration and resentment are emotions that frequently trouble people. These emotions however are secondary emotions. They come on top of another emotion.
You could liken those emotions to an iceberg. What you see on the surface is the emotion of anger, frustration or resentment.
What is underneath the water is often sadness, pain, fear, disappointment and loss. These emotions have often been laid down in childhood when things happened that you couldn’t process properly either because you didn’t understand what had happened, or because you didn’t have the skills to process them.
Once you learn how to explore and identify your secondary emotions, you can start healing the primary emotions that you have carried around since childhood.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When I teach people to practice mindfulness, the first hurdle I have to overcome is the common misconception that you have to empty your mind to meditate.
Despite me teaching that thoughts will come and just to let them be, the empty your mind belief can be very pervasive.
Emptying Your Mind Is Not How You Meditate
Frequently I will teach someone a simple mindfulness technique and the next time I see them they say they are struggling to empty their mind.
That is not how mindfulness meditation works.
Striving To Empty Your Mind Leads to Feeling a Failure When You Are Not
It is impossible to empty your mind and the effort to do that and the feeling of failure when that doesn’t happen is unhelpful.
In mindfulness, you focus on something and just allow other thoughts to be there without engaging with them.
The Waiting Room Analogy
I often describe it as sitting in a waiting room. Someone else walks in and you see them but you don’t talk to them. It is this way with thoughts. You see the thought is there and you even name it. But you don’t engage with it.
An example of this would be that you are practising focusing on your breath. Suddenly the thought that you need to buy milk pops into your mind. You could engage with that thought and think about when you can do that, where you will buy it from, how you will get to the shop to buy it, how you will fit that in with other things you need to do, and then start worrying that the milk you want to buy may not be at the shop you have selected, so where would be a better place to buy it from?
Sound familiar?
Don’t Engage With The Milk, Try This Instead
An alternative is to notice that the thought of buying milk has popped into your consciousness but that you will worry about that when you are finished with your mindfulness practice. Then you go back to focusing on your breath.
That is how you practice not engaging with the thought.
A Good Way To Get Started
One usual way to start learning mindfulness is to focus on your breath. Just pay attention to the breath in and then the breath out.
If you are breathing in and out and paying attention to that breathing you may find your mind wanders to another thought. When that happens, don’t chastise yourself. Don’t be angry. Just gently and kindly acknowledge the thought and put it to one side. Then bring your attention back to your breathing.
How Often Should I Practice and For How Long?
Just practice this mindfulness technique for about 5 minutes every day. Focus on your in breath and out breath.
It can be helpful to say to yourself “I am breathing in” and “I am breathing out”.
Once you have said I am breathing in/out a few times you can breathe in “peace” and “breathe” out tension.
You can quickly scan your body for any areas of tension and breathe peace into them, and breathe the tension out.
How do you time your five minutes?
You can use the timer on your phone, a kitchen timer or you can use an app such as “Insight Timer” that allows you to set a 5 minute meditation that will make a sound at the end.
The Benefits of Mindfulness
Learning mindfulness is a great way to learn to understand what you are feeling. So many people arrive at adulthood unsure of what they are feeling. Childhood is often a time when children are taught by adults to override their feelings and children can grow mistrustful of what they are feeling.
In the rush of life it is easy to get in the habit of pushing feelings and body sensations aside. Then it becomes hard to identify what you are feeling. Mindfulness is an important way to reconnect with your feelings.
Mindfulness Helps You Understand What You Are Feeling
When you are struggling with challenges in life it can be hard understanding what you are feeling or even if you are feeling anything at all.
This is where mindfulness is helpful.
I find that teaching the people who come to see me how to be mindful is a great step to unravelling those difficulties in life that have brought them to see me.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning mindfulness and learning to understand your feelings and body sensations, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When I talk to people about all things having an energy, even inanimate objects, they often look at me as though I am weird. But do you know that Albert Einstein theorised this very thing? Quantum science has now proven Einstein’s theory by using sensitive instruments to measure the energy objects give off.
Nikola Tesla, who pioneered modern electrical systems spoke of the understanding of the Universe being unlocked by measuring energy, frequency and vibrations.
Energy Vibrations
Vibrations are best defined as being states of being. As the energy given off by something or someone. Vibrations exist because the atoms that are the building blocks of all things vibrate. Different types of atoms vibrate at different speeds. Even things like wood, rocks, the ground vibrate.
This is where the trendy term “vibes” comes from. The theory of all things vibrating at different frequencies.
Often that term is misused by people who don’t understand the true meaning of vibrations or the science behind them.
We Can All Sense Energy Vibrations
It is possible for animals and people to sense vibrations. We don’t consciously do it. Vibrations are part of non verbal communication. We can detect such communication without being aware we are doing it. Of course you can consciously choose to become aware of these sensations, but in reality you pick them up anyway.
You give off vibrations all the time. You can’t not do it.
I realised this many years ago when people always seemed to pick up on the days when I had a low mood, even though I deliberately suppressed it and didn’t tell others how I was feeling.
Energy Attracts Or Repels
In life those vibrations are what often attract or repel us to/from other people. It is why you may avoid a particular person when you are feeling down because you have sensed subconsciously that their negative energy will drag you down.
If you are feeling lacking in energy, or depressed, you are likely to give off lower frequency vibrations than at times when you are feeling upbeat, happy, full of energy. If you are angry the vibrations you give off will be different again.
Energy is A Vital Part of Intuition
If you pay attention to these deep seated messages, the ones that get bundled into the term “intuition”, you will become aware of the way some people attract you and others repel you.
Interestingly researchers have devised a scale for the energy levels of different emotions. The scale ranges from zero to 1,000. This is how various feelings have been ranked:
• 20 – shame
• 100 – fear
• 200 – courage, being willing to take responsibility for your own actions and feeling and also the first level of empowerment. Interesting to know that empowerment has an energy ranking!
• 500 – love
• 700 – enlightenment
Reiki, a form of energy healing, has been found to have the capacity to raise a person’s personal vibration. This also impacts on the Reiki practitioner which explains why not only my client but I also experience higher energy after I perform a Reiki healing on my client.
All Energy Levels Are Important To Experience
As with all things in life, it is important to experience the highs and the lows. Those lower energy experiences are not pleasant, but they are the place where we are able to learn, change and grow.
As part of mindfulness practice, I teach clients to pay attention to their energy levels. What am I feeling now? What is my energy? It is possible to develop awareness of your energy levels and even work at ways to improve your energy.
Once your energy starts to lift is keeps lifting. High energy attracts more energy, whereas low energy repels energy.
11 Ways To Raise Your Energy
There are 11 ways you can bring yourself out of a low energy state and into higher vibration energy.
1.Gratitude.
Making a conscious decision to see the things to be thankful for increases your energy vibrations. Remembering that at the energy vibration of 200 you are empowered, raising that energy level will lead to you feeling more powerful. Understanding that you have that control, that life is full of things to be thankful for, increases your wisdom as well.
2.Moving Your Body
Moving your body can also raise your energy vibrations. Conversely, sitting too long will drop them.
Have you ever noticed how you resist moving when you are feeling resentful and wanting to hold on to that feeling? Once you start moving through rhythmic movement it is hard to maintain that level of energy.
Dancing, especially to music is one of the most effective ways to move your body and raise those energy vibrations. You can dance at an exercise class or dance at home on your own. Research suggests that 10 minutes of moving to your favourite music will start shifting your energy vibrations upwards.
3.Eat Nutrient Dense Foods
Food has its own energy vibration. The more nutrient dense the food is, the better the energy vibration.
Have you ever noticed how weighed down you feel after indulging in a lot of junk food? Even alcohol can reduce your energy levels.
On the flip side, you may have noticed that when you eat well you feel so much lighter.
Food has a major impact on your energy vibrations.
4.Meditation
As I have already mentioned, Mindfulness meditation trains you to be aware of your body. You can better understand your own energy vibrations and be better able to address those issues that lower your energy.
5.Touch
There has been a lot of research over the past decade or so on the benefits of touch.
The finding that premature babies do better when they are touched has led to skin to skin contact with their parents becoming common practice. This has led to better outcomes and higher survival rates among these babies.
Research has also found the negative impact of the lack of touch for the elderly living in nursing homes or isolated at home.
Simply touching someone on the arm when they are distressed is comforting. If you have ever had someone do that to you then you will probably be aware of that comforting sensation. It is soothing, sends the message you are not alone and that someone cares. In fact researchers have found that touch can be a very effective pain relief.
Massage is a form of touch that is particularly powerful. It has been shown to rebalance hormones and reduce cortisol (stress hormone) levels.
Touch releases a powerful hormone often referred to as the love hormone. This hormone is oxytocin. It assists people to feel that sense of connection and safety. It also increases energy vibrations. Higher energy of course means you will feel better and happier.
6.Giving and Receiving
Withholding love, time or even making negative comments about others lowers your energy frequency. Conversely, being generous with your praise, love and time raises your energy. Making the effort to give to others generously increases what you receive as well. So everyone benefits.
7.Be with Positive People
When you spend time with friends who have a high energy it raises your energy as well. This is why it is sometimes better when you are feeling low to make the decision to go out and set the intention to enjoy yourself. That raises your energy so it doesn’t bring your friends down and their high energy raises yours. If the friends you are with understand your difficulties and want to support you then you can raise your energy higher.
8.Make the Decision to Open Your Heart.
Is there someone in your life, either now or in the past, who you loved so much that even thinking about them made you feel happy and lighter?
Did thinking about them make you feel better and that your mood lifted?
Love is one of the highest energy vibration states you can experience. When you love someone your energy is always raised and you feel on top of the world.
Loving yourself is also important. When you spend time caring for you and doing nice things for you that lifts your mood as well.
A great example of that is when you get a new outfit that you feel looks great on you. Or you get a new hairstyle and you are very happy with that. You walk out feeling on top of the world. This is self love.
9.Breathing
When life is stressful you tend to take shallow, quick breaths. This sends a message to your brain that you are in danger and increases cortisol levels in your body. The more you shallow breathe the higher the cortisol levels rise.
It is important to breathe slowly and deeply when you start to feel stressed. There are various ways you can deepen your breathing and slow it down.
• One is to breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4 and wait for 4 before taking the next breath.
• Another is to breathe in, paying attention to your tummy and chest as they rise. You may like to place a hand over your chest and another over your tummy and focus on feeling them rise as you slowly breathe in. If you are breathing properly you will feel them both rise. When you finish the in breath hold your breath for a few seconds. Then breathe out slowly through pursed lips. After a few breaths you can imagine you are breathing in peace as you breathe in and breathing out tension as you breathe out. It is a good idea to do this exercise until you feel calmer. A minimum of 10 breaths works best.
10.A Nice Warm Bath
If you like baths then you can try the old favourite of a lovely bath. Lock the door, dim the lights, light some candles and add some lovely bath oils to the water. You could even play some relaxing music.
Make sure the water is quite warm but not so hot it makes you sweat.
Water is a great energy lifter and many people find this practice relaxing and energising.
11.Be In Nature
Extensive research has shown the benefits of being in nature. Blood pressure lowers, cortisol levels lower and people feel more relaxed. Your energy levels also rise.
Even looking at pictures of nature is relaxing and energising, although no substitute for the real thing.
If you are not close to bushland then going to a park or the beach is effective.
Place your feet flat on the ground and pay attention to the feeling in the soles of your feet as you connect to the ground. Feel the energy of the earth as it enters your feet, then moves up your body. Don’t worry if you can’t feel it immediately, it can take time to learn to connect to energy.
Another thing you can do is hug or touch a tree. It is not a joke, you really can feel the energy of the tree by touching it.
Sitting listening to the sounds of the trees in the breeze, to birds, insects is calming. If you go to the beach you can stand bare foot at the ends of the water and allow the waves to gently touch your feet. Listen to the sound of the waves, the wind, and the birds.
All these things are really relaxing and energising.
If you have a garden, spending time out in the garden with your plants and the grass can also be energising.
I Practice What I Preach
I am often asked what I do to manage with the big stories and low energy of so many beautiful souls who come to see me.
Firstly I reply that it is a privilege to work with such strong survivors, battered as they are, they are determined to heal.
Second I reply that I have my own practices that keep my energy high so that I can share that energy with those who come to see me.
I do follow the 11 ways in my own life, here are some of the things I do:
• Gratitude. I have a daily practise of writing down 10 things I am grateful for at the end of each day. I also make not during the day of anything I think is wonderful and express gratitude for it. Examples of this are: a beautiful sunrise, watching the birds in my garden, seeing a dog smiling up at its owner as it is being walked, someone letting me out of the end of my street in heavy traffic, a child running around with delight and so many more. I make my entire day an opportunity to express gratitude. I also set the intention that I am not going to get annoyed by the things other people do. To counter annoyance I look for something good to say about that person. That quickly defuses any annoyance I may be feeling.
• Moving my body. I dance to music, walk through the bush, and never miss an opportunity to express my delight through movement.
• Eating nutrient dense food: I delight to eat as many wholefoods as I can, while avoiding foods high in sugar. I eat a lot of vegetables, which I love. I have learned to take the time to notice what I am eating and enjoy it, and by doing that needing less food. I love how good my body feels when I eat nutrient dense foods.
• Mindfulness and other meditation. I get up early every morning and start the day with meditation. Sometimes I listen to a guided meditation, sometimes I listen to music and focus on the music. Other times I focus on my breath. After I am finished I stretch my body then meditatively paint. As a Reiki practitioner I meditate on the 5 Reiki Principles to release my investment in staying hurt and angry, to release worry and be mindful of the present moment, to be grateful and appreciate all the wonders and blessings of life, to do my work diligently, even seemingly small insignificant tasks and to show compassion for all living things. This is a wonderful way to reset and to set the tone of the rest of the day.
• Touch. I love giving and receiving hugs. I hug my family, my dogs, my friends. I grew up in a family that never touched. Learning how to hug opened up my world in such a powerful way. I also schedule regular massages to help settle my nervous system.
• Giving and Receiving. I give compassion and acceptance to as many people as I can. When I encounter other people I choose to consider their needs and what is happening in their lives rather than find fault or take offense with what they do. When I am hurt by the things of life, or feeling overwhelmed I have a beautiful tribe of women I can turn to for support. I have learned to be very proactive in seeking help.
• Be with positive people. I have found in my life that being with the people I know who lift my energy is important. It helps that those people are such beautiful, caring people. I have also learned to not take on the negative energy of others. I also have made the decision to not have contact with people who are overwhelmingly negative and sap my energy. This is about honouring my needs and my self care.
• I choose to open my heart and risk having friendships with other people. I know that if I am burned in that relationship I will hurt and need time to feel that hurt and heal from it. But I am strong enough to survive. I will continue to risk hurt by opening myself to friendships.
• Breathing. As part of my meditative practice I focus on my breathing and on breathing deeply and slowly. Because I practice this it is easy for me to practice slowing and deepening my breathing when I am in a stressful situation.
• I do on occasion have a nice warm bath. It is a lovely way to destress.
• Be in nature. As often as I can I go out into nature. I hug trees, sit at their base, sit beside water as it runs past in creeks and cascades. I gaze at the sky, noting the clouds and the colours of the sky. I look for the moon and the different constellations of stars in the night sky. I listen for the sounds of the birds in the day and the flying foxes and owls at night. I love to walk amongst the trees and look up at their magnificence and delight in the wonder of them. Even if I can’t get out into the bush there are places near where I live where trees tower over the footpath and I can gaze up at them. It is not hard to incorporate the 11 ways to raise your energy into your life. Why not try it yourself?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to raise your energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
It is really hard to manage life when things happen that make you feel overwhelmed.
Maybe you are running late and encountering things that slow you down. You can feel the sensation of panic rising and feel anxious. You may even start to feel angry and feel like acting out that anger.
Maybe you are in a situation where your have someone else demanding answers from you. They may also be forceful in their conversation, or angry. Or it may just be they are being forceful in what they are saying and their expectation you give an answer now.
You may find yourself in a situation where you are being yelled at and you are feeling overwhelmed and frightened.
Or you may be in any number of situations where you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.
What Happens When You Are Overwhelmed
When you encounter a situation like one of the ones described above, your brain interprets it as a threat and your defence strategies kick in. Overwhelm is a form of fight or flight response.
You are in a situation where you feel you have to fight or flee.
When you are running late you may be feeling desperate to get to your destination on time. You have no control over the situation. If you did, you would not be running late. Everything that happens to slow you down is another thing that you have no control over. The situation feels unsafe and your brain takes you into a form of panic that is part of the fight/flight response.
When you feel you are being threatened by another person’s insistence you answer, that is an unsafe situation. You definitely want to run or fight that one. The feelings of overwhelm are enhanced by the feeling you are not safe and maybe have limited control over the situation.
It is the same with you feeling overwhelmed and frightened by someone yelling at you.
Other people may not perceive the situation as threatening. But you do and that is what your brain responds to.
It Is Okay To Feel Overwhelmed.
It is not wrong to feel threatened so be kind to yourself.
I am going to teach you a mindfulness exercise that, if practised regularly, can be helpful when used in a situation of overwhelm.
If you can get away somewhere to take a few moments to calm, then do. If not do this on the spot.
It is helpful of you practice this exercise every day so that you are able to use it to its maximum benefit when you are needing to calm yourself.
The Calming Exercise.
1. If you can go somewhere quiet, then do that. Otherwise just turn your thoughts into yourself. You need to feel safe and this is where practising this exercise daily can help you to feel safe even when in a stressful situation.
Tell yourself you are going to calm down now. This is known as setting an intention.
Take three deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. You can slightly open your lips and breathe out through your mouth without it being obvious.
Just allow the air to flow out without forcing it.
After three deep breaths breathe naturally.
Now focus on your face. As you breathe, feel your forehead relax, then your eyes, your jaw, the rest of your face. Imagine that as you breathe out you are breathing out tension in your face.
Now focus on releasing the tension in your neck, shoulders, chest and belly. Picture a beautiful, welcoming light pouring out of your heart. Imagine you are surrounded and protected by this light.
Say to yourself the following intentions:
a. May I be free from suffering
b. May I find peace and joy
Now picture someone you know but don’t get along very well with. Do not picture an abuser or bully who is really frightening. That is overwhelming. Just picture someone you don’t particularly get along with.
Consider that person has their own issues and like you wants to feel safe.
Say the following intentions for them:
a. May you be free from suffering
b. May you find peace and joy.
Now pay attention to your breathing, your body and your thoughts. Do you feel calmer now?
The purpose of this exercise is to deepen your breathing to reset your brain to calm down. Then you consciously release tension held in your body. After that you set intentions for you that are safe and calming. Then you look outside yourself to someone else and with them well. This helps to make the situation you are in more objective so that it feels more manageable and less stressful.
As I said earlier, practise this exercise every day so that it will be second nature when you really need it and will work much better to help you calm down.
Can I Help?
If you would like to learn more about how to calm down when overwhelmed and how to release the triggers that lead to your overwhelm, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
A big problem for many people I see is unprocessed emotional pain. A large volume of unprocessed emotional pain.
It is not surprising given the belief in our society that you should just push those “bad” feelings down and ignore them.
If you didn’t grow up in a family that supported you experiencing that pain and learning how to process it, then you will be unlikely to know how to process it.
Emotional Pain Is Not Bad
Some mental health approaches pathologise the experiencing of emotional pain. As a result they teach the suppression of emotional pain.
This belief and teaching fails to understand the roots of some pain. Unprocessed emotional pain that has been with you for a long time will continue to be with you until it is processed.
You will not be able to process emotional pain until you have developed the courage, strength and skills to stay with those overwhelming emotions until they are fully processed.
Emotional Pain As The Monster Under The Bed
A lot of people tell me they fear those emotions. I can understand that. A lot of these unprocessed emotions relate to childhood.
A child needs to be taught how to process emotions. If they aren’t taught then those frightening emotions are impossible to process. The child learns to fear those emotions because they seem insurmountable.
If you add to that difficulty a family that actively encourages the suppression of emotions, even punishes family members for feeling emotions, then that fear becomes terrifying and deep seated.
The Pain Body
In his book “A New Earth” Eckhart Tolle describes the ‘pain body’. This is the “energy of old but still very-much-alive emotion that lives in almost every human being.”
The pain of old traumas is often described as energy because of the way this pain crops up again and again. The pain is actually stress or trauma that has never been processed so remains in the body. When that stress or trauma was initially experienced the nervous system became dysregulated and the emotions felt at the time became trapped in the body. Things can trigger the memories around this stress or trauma and you are again feeling the old pain.
Not Feeling Into The Body
Unprocessed pain can cause you to fear emotions and their associated feelings. To avoid experiencing what is feared you stop feeling into your body at all. The body becomes a scary place where emotional monsters lurk.
If you can’t feel into your body, you can’t release the pain and you can’t feel safe and relaxed. In order to relax you need to be able to feel your inner body. That means you have to be prepared to feel the feelings there.
Actions Are Trapped In Your Body
Many somatic therapists talk about the actions trapped in our bodies.
Peter A Levine, the developer of Somatic Experiencing and author of many books including ‘Waking the Tiger’, speaks of the experience of animals chased by predators and escaping. After the animal has escaped the predator it shakes its body to release the energy still in the body that allowed it to escape. He likens it to our need to release that excess energy after a fight/flight event. This allows the energy to be released from our bodies.
Eckhart Tolle also talks about releasing energy from stress. He tells the story of two ducks getting into a fight. After they are finished they move away from each other and flap their wings several times. Then they continue on as though nothing has happened. The ducks are also releasing the excess energy.
The Problem Of Holding On To Experiences Instead Of Releasing Them
We humans tend to hold on to these experiences. Instead of the release actions of the animal that has escaped a predator or the duck that has just finished a fight, we hold on to the fight or the escape.
Humans create narratives of events and the escape and fight get woven into our narratives. If the opportunity to process the events and release them does not happen, the events are kept alive and ongoing by continuing to tell the story, even to ourselves.
Remembering Events But Releasing The Energy
We need to remember events. This is how our brain keeps us safe by remembering dangerous situations and alerting us to similarities in situations. The problem arises when we continue to think of the events as ongoing, instead of past events.
The way forward is to learn how to regulate emotions.
Learn not to fear experiencing the emotions. That you can do this and actually those monster emotions are not massive, overwhelming giants, but mild little critters that are quite manageable.
Once you learn how to regulate and that those emotions are not as scary as you thought they were, you can then learn to be kind to your body. You can learn to be present and have confidence in your strength and ability to process painful feelings and emotions.
You can also learn that difficult emotions can be temporarily destabilising. That they may need attention to work through them. But they can be worked through and you can emerge stronger in the knowledge that you have the skills to process your emotions.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you learn not to fear your emotions and to process them, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
The definition of family enmeshment is that family members are excessively involved in each other’s lives and find it hard, even impossible, to set boundaries. There is a strong desire to maintain close relationships, which in itself is not bad, but it has negative impacts.
It is like several lengths of wool, each representing a family member. The wool strands become tangled into masses of knots. With an enmeshed family each person in the family becomes entangled and the needs and identities of each individual get lost.
Enmeshed Families And Close Families Are Different.
This doesn’t mean that families can’t be close and healthy. There are families where family members are close. These families have strong bonds. The members of the family care for each other.
The difference between a close family and an enmeshed family is that in the close knit family there is respect of each individual and their personal space and independence. Individuals within a close family are encouraged to grow and make their own choices. There is no pressure for people to do things they don’t want to.
In the enmeshed family there is a blurring of the boundaries between individuals within the family. It becomes difficult for a member of such a family to make a decision or even have their own thoughts and feelings. Members of enmeshed families feel unable to make choices that the family won’t approve of, even when they really want to do something.
Are Enmeshed Families Codependent?
It is often believed that enmeshed families are in codependent relationship with each other. Certainly co-dependency and enmeshment are related and can happen in family relationships as well as other relationships but there is a difference.
Enmeshment is when two or more people become so involved in each other’s lives, relationships and decision making that they are unable to act autonomously. This has a negative effect on the mental health of the enmeshed people.
Codependent relationships are where two people, such as those in a romantic relationship, friends, parent and child rely on the other for emotional support, acceptance or identity.
Co-dependency may exist in an enmeshed family but then again it may not.
Cultural Impact Of Enmeshment.
In different cultures families can act differently. If the culture is one of autonomy and independence (individualistic) a healthy family will have well defined boundaries between family members. If the culture is one where being part of the group and more dependent on others is normal (collectivist culture), then a family that meets the definition of enmeshed is more likely to exist. In this setting, such a family is considered to be normal and healthy.
If the culture the family exists in is collectivist, family members will not suffer negative mental health impacts. However, if the family has emigrated to a country with a more individualistic culture, the family members may be more torn between the culture of their family and that of the society in which they are now living. This is particularly so with children.
When deciding if a family is enmeshed or not it is important to consider the culture of the family and the impact that enmeshment is having on the mental health of the family members.
In Enmeshed Families Roles Are Rigid.
Another thing seen in an enmeshed family is that family members will often have rigid roles within the family. Every family has roles for family members, but in a healthy family the roles can change over time.
Enmeshed families are often very intrusive. There is little privacy and interfering with another family member’s private thoughts and concerns is considered normal. This is because of the lack of boundaries between family members.
How To Spot Lack Of Boundaries
In such a family other signs of lack of boundaries can include:
• Over protective adults who control what children do and prevent them from anything that challenges them and allows them to grow. The adults may believe they are protecting the child but the motivation is often their own fears of something like that happening to them.
• Adults in the family system will micromanage their children and make decisions for them without any consultation.
• Manipulation is used to coerce the children to do what the adult wants. Guilt and Shame are often used to achieve this.
• Not respecting the privacy of children, often seen by going through their belongings, reading private writings, monitoring their activities and keeping tabs on what they are doing.
• Use the children for emotional support and validation.
• Set out to be the child’s “best friend” even when the child doesn’t want it.
• Not perceive the children as individuals who are growing up and striving for independence.
• Enforce family unity and prevent anything that threatens that such as something an individual may wish to do or outside relationships individuals may wish to have.
• Keep a strict cap on any conflict within the family. Individuals within an enmeshed family learn that keeping the peace is essential and there are negative consequences for disobeying that rule.
What Impact Does An Enmeshed Family Have On A Child?
Children in an enmeshed family are:
• Often very alert to their parent’s needs and emotions.
• Have trouble making decisions.
• Struggle to become independent as adults.
• If asked what their interests and values are they will always cite the family interests and values.
• Believe they must keep the family happy.
• Often are loners and don’t make friends because their emotional needs are met within the family.
• Find it hard to voice their own needs, again due to a need to maintain peace within the family.
• Become more emotional then is normal when there are family conflicts or crises
• As they grow older they often become financially and emotionally responsible for the care of their parents.
Why Does Enmeshment Occur In Some Families?
A lot of enmeshment happens because of parents being raised in enmeshed families. This is the only family structure one or both parents know. Parenting is usually based on what was learned during childhood. Unless the parent is aware their childhood family was enmeshed and was able to learn about other family models as well as learn how to set healthy boundaries, the pattern the parent will use in their family will be an enmeshed one.
Another cause could be if there were difficulties in the relationship a child had with their caregivers that resulted in what is known as an anxious attachment style. That style of attachment involves a need for excessive closeness and validation from others. If the childhood wounds are not resolved and the attachment style healed then it can result in the behaviours present in an enmeshed family.
Research has suggested that a parent who has poor mental health and is raising their children alone without healthy adult friendships is more likely to establish enmeshed relationships with her children. People in that situation often experienced their own trauma as children and consequently have a poor sense of self and have difficult regulating their emotions.
Crises in the environment, such as natural disasters and wars will increase the likelihood that the family members with look to each other for support and security. If the crisis is long term or resulted in traumatic impacts that are not healed then enmeshment can develop.
Is Enmeshment Bad?
Yes and no. members of enmeshed family value loyalty, belonging and emotionally supporting others. They also have deep interpersonal connections with other family members.
The negative is that family members, especially children raised in such a family, find it hard to set boundaries with others. They can find it hard to make decisions. They will also struggle being able to express their own needs and desires and set healthy boundaries around their needs and desires.
Another negative is that it can be difficult developing healthy relationships with others outside the family.
For adults in an enmeshed family there can be high levels of stress as they remain constantly vigilant maintaining control and closeness. Adults are also likely to struggle to maintain their own identity which impacts on their own mental health. It also impacts on their relationships with others both within and outside the family.
Conflict is another difficulty for enmeshed families. It may often lead to conflict being buried and these unresolved conflicts result in tension within the family that can become destructive. Family members, especially children, will struggle to learn healthy conflict resolution skills. This impacts mental health as well as impacting on the ability to learn healthy communication skills.
Does Enmeshment Cause Trauma?
Yes it can.
In heavily enmeshed families each family member is very involved in the emotional life of each other family member. This is difficult for children with their developing brains and developing emotional regulation skills. Being overloaded and overwhelmed by adult emotions without anyone to help the child understand what is being experienced, as well as emotionally regulate, impacts the child’s mental well being, both in childhood and later in adulthood.
Not knowing where you end and other family members start is also damaging. This impacts on the ability to form a sense of self. It impacts on the ability to set boundaries.
In a family where everyone’s business and feelings is everyone else’s it is very difficult to learn boundaries and to learn to say no or yes.
If a child doesn’t learn to set boundaries then it is very difficult to do so in adulthood.
Research shows that adults who grew up in enmeshed families and were traumatised by this, struggle with their mental health in adulthood. They may suffer depression and anxiety. They may also find it hard to form healthy, respectful relationships. They are more vulnerable to codependent relationships. They also struggle to separate their emotions and needs from those of others.
The Good News.
As with all trauma, it is possible to heal. It is not easy and it will take a long time for your brain to grow new, healthy connections, but it is possible.
The first step is recognising the enmeshment and what behaviours within the family are enmeshed behaviours and which are not problem behaviours.
• It is possible to learn who you are and learn where your boundaries are.
• It is possible to learn to assert those boundaries in a calm and healthy way.
• You can even learn to say no without feeling guilty!
• It is even possible to learn to set boundaries with your family. It may not always be possible to set boundaries without cutting off contact with your family, that will depend on how mentally healthy individual members are, but you can learn to set limits on contact so that it is healthy and you learn how to heal from this.
• You can learn what is normal family and relationship behaviour and be able to set healthy boundaries around future relationships as well as existing ones. You can also learn to recognise unhealthy relationships that may need to end.
What Other Things Can You Do To Learn Who You Are And Heal?
A competent counsellor who is trained in mindfulness can teach you mindfulness and how to use this to understand the feelings and emotions you experience.
• With this skill you can be taught how to regulate your emotions.
• With mindfulness you can start exploring the things that matter to you, what your values are, what you believe in.
• You can get to know yourself and what you are passionate about. You can recognise the things that really interest you.
• You can learn how to be curious and how to try new things.
• You can learn to connect with others in a healthy way and “find your tribe” who understand you and support you.
• You can learn to be kind to yourself.
Getting Help.
When you have been raised in the difficult environment of an enmeshed family it can be hard to learn what is normal and what is dysfunctional.
It can also be difficult to know how to learn more healthy behaviours.
This is where seeing a counsellor who is skilled in those areas can be helpful.
Can I Help?
I am trained in mindfulness and in trauma counselling. I use mindfulness always in my work with people. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your family enmeshment, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
“The stories we tell ourselves can either empower or weaken us. When we live in our heads, we don’t appreciate the current moment. Sometimes we are so busy crafting our stories that we miss the importance of what is happening right now. Take a moment to stop, take a breath, and notice everything that is happening. Appreciate what is and allow what is going to happen to enter naturally into your life.” ~ Emily Silva.
Getting Caught Up In Stories
When you are more caught up in the stories you tell yourself, you can cause yourself to fail in the things you do because you pay more attention to the stories than the present moment. It is an easy trap to fall into. It starts when you are first exposed to traumatic events, most likely in childhood. Everyone does this to a certain extent. There are myriad ways a child can be traumatised. And there are myriad stories to manage the overwhelming and impossible to process feelings associated with those traumatic incidents. When things are overwhelming and impossible to process, and the child does not receive any assistance resolving this issue, the child will write their own narrative to explain what happened.
Children Are Masters At Writing Negative Stories About Themselves
Sadly, children are very good at added 2 and 2 and getting 500. So often the stories the child writes are disempowering. Children are more likely to blame themselves for something, even when it is not their fault. A child lacks an adult understanding of what is happening and may not have an adult available who can help them understand. So the child will be less likely to understand the context of what happens and therefore think they are to blame for what happened.
Of course, children are often blamed for things that happened when what happened had nothing to do with them. Sadly it is the nature of intergenerational trauma that adults will often default to using the language that was used on them as children. So most of us will get some words spoken to us that are hurtful.
Affirming Stories Can Cause Distractions Too
Other words spoken to you as a child can be ones that affirm you. That tell you that you are loved, capable, good at something, able to do something well. Those words empower you.
But they can lead to stories that distract you from the task at hand, or expect you to be unrealistic about what you can achieve.
The Power Of The Narrative In Your Head To Distract You
The words that you hear become a narrative in your head. They may empower you and fill you with confidence. Or they may weaken you and fill you with anxiety and doubt.
They may fill you with the sense that you should achieve an impossibly high standard. When you don’t achieve that you can be left feeling you have failed when you have actually done very well, just not as well as you thought you should.
Your narrative may also fill you with the sense that you can’t do this so that achieving what you want becomes almost impossible.
Narratives Can Distract You
No matter what words the narrative contains, it can distract you from being in the moment and focusing on what you are doing. They can even trip you up and cause you to not be able to complete your tasks effectively. They can also stop you from enjoying and being part of what you are doing. It is worth remembering to stop and notice what you do as you do it. Better to fill your head with awareness of the present moment, than be distracted by the narratives playing in your head.
When you stop and pay attention you are more likely to be able to evaluate how you are going and see the progress you are making than being caught up in narratives that cause you to lose sight of what you are actually doing.
Awareness of the present moment also allows you to make instant changes in what you are doing that increase your ability to succeed. You are more likely to succeed in your tasks if you are in the present moment.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with being in the present moment and changing your negative narrative, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
“Few of us have escaped experiencing trauma in our human life. I define trauma as a difficult life event that was too overwhelming to emotionally process when it happened. When you become emotionally overwhelmed, trauma is stored in your body, waiting for another time in the future to be digested, resolved and healed.” ~ Shelley Klammer
Many of the difficult feelings that are experienced in life are never dealt with. Maybe at the time there was too much going on to be able to process what had happened. Maybe there wasn’t support available to help you process what had happened. Often these traumatic experiences occur in childhood.
Frequently other people don’t understand how traumatic seemingly (to them) unimportant events can be to a child. If others don’t comprehend the impact the event had on you, then they can’t help you process it.
Sadly, not all children have adults in their lives who are attuned to them or have the skills to help them process the difficult things that happen in life.
So You Think Your Childhood Trauma Didn’t Impact You?
I have witnessed so many people who claim they were never impacted by the difficult things that happened in their lives, but the way they react to things and the difficulties they face in life tell another story.
So often individuals are unaware of the impacts because they have covered them up for so long, at first as a matter of survival and later because they have covered them up so successfully they can no longer see them as existing.
My Journey Of Discovery
I know. I did the same thing. As I grew older, and learned more, I started to try to understand what was happening for me.
My mother dying helped, as her hold over me was broken. It was like waking up and seeing the things she did to me and hearing what other people had observed but I hadn’t been ready to hear until she was dead.
When I studied counselling I discovered a lot of places where trauma had impacted me. I was able to see that shadow side. The trauma side.
Along the way I sought my own counselling to help heal the trauma impacts.
Shame
I was also able to acknowledge the shame I felt at being abused as a child.
Shame is a major part of childhood abuse. The child is often told the adult’s bad behaviour is the child’s fault. Even if the child is not told that, the child concludes they are bad and shameful because it is the only way they can make sense of what is happening to them.
Trauma Healing Is Active And Lifelong
I continue to discover places where trauma has impacted me. I suspect I will continue finding these impacts until I die. They are not major now, but they are still there.
Seeing Trauma Impacts As Different Parts Of You
I have learned to be able to see those impacts as a child of the age when the trauma occurred. That helps to be more objective about the impacts.
It helps to have compassion for the child, rather than judging her. It helps me to understand better how hard I had to work as a child and how well I have done to be fairly normal as an adult.
Mindfulness, reflection and compassion are my tools for exploring all those hurt places.
You can learn this too. On your journey you will find it hard to be able to do this alone. This is where a trauma trained counsellor is helpful.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma impacts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
“Few of us have escaped experiencing trauma in our human life. I define trauma as a difficult life event that was too overwhelming to emotionally process when it happened. When you become emotionally overwhelmed, trauma is stored in your body, waiting for another time in the future to be digested, resolved and healed.” ~ Shelley Klammer
Many of the difficult feelings that are experienced in life are never dealt with. Maybe at the time there was too much going on to be able to process what had happened. Maybe there wasn’t support available to help you process what had happened. Often these traumatic experiences occur in childhood.
Frequently other people don’t understand how traumatic seemingly (to them) unimportant events can be to a child. If others don’t comprehend the impact the event had on you, then they can’t help you process it.
Sadly, not all children have adults in their lives who are attuned to them or have the skills to help them process the difficult things that happen in life.
Subheading So You Think Your Childhood Trauma Didn’t Impact You?
I have witnessed so many people who claim they were never impacted by the difficult things that happened in their lives, but the way they react to things and the difficulties they face in life tell another story.
So often individuals are unaware of the impacts because they have covered them up for so long, at first as a matter of survival and later because they have covered them up so successfully they can no longer see them as existing.
Subheading My Journey Of Discovery
I know. I did the same thing. As I grew older, and learned more, I started to try to understand what was happening for me.
My mother dying helped, as her hold over me was broken. It was like waking up and seeing the things she did to me and hearing what other people had observed but I hadn’t been ready to hear until she was dead.
When I studied counselling I discovered a lot of places where trauma had impacted me. I was able to see that shadow side. The trauma side.
Along the way I sought my own counselling to help heal the trauma impacts.
Subheading Shame
I was also able to acknowledge the shame I felt at being abused as a child.
Shame is a major part of childhood abuse. The child is often told the adult’s bad behaviour is the child’s fault. Even if the child is not told that, the child concludes they are bad and shameful because it is the only way they can make sense of what is happening to them.
Subheading Trauma Healing Is Active And Lifelong
I continue to discover places where trauma has impacted me. I suspect I will continue finding these impacts until I die. They are not major now, but they are still there.
Subheading Seeing Trauma Impacts As Different Parts Of You
I have learned to be able to see those impacts as a child of the age when the trauma occurred. That helps to be more objective about the impacts.
It helps to have compassion for the child, rather than judging her. It helps me to understand better how hard I had to work as a child and how well I have done to be fairly normal as an adult.
Mindfulness, reflection and compassion are my tools for exploring all those hurt places.
You can learn this too. On your journey you will find it hard to be able to do this alone. This is where a trauma trained counsellor is helpful.
Sub heading Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma impacts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Breathe deeply in and allow that breathe out slowly.
Breathe in and out a few more times.
Turn your attention to your heart centre.
Maybe you would like to place your hand over your heart.
Ask yourself the question:
Am I just surviving, or am I living my life creatively?
The Curse Of The Modern World
With the busy lives that are led in the modern world, it is easy to get caught up in just surviving. Rushing from activity to activity. Never stopping, never relaxing, never just having fun. Never allowing yourself to use your creative side to enrich and grow your life.
Scientists who study our ancient ancestors contend that once people were able to move away from spending all their time surviving, they had time and space to be creative. It was this creativity that allowed them to expand their lives and further improve their situation.
It was this time for creativity that allowed our ancestors to become farmers, then to devise new tools and weapons. This creativity allowed progress to occur.
Growing Creatively
In order to grow this way, our ancestors had to allow space in their lives to allow creativity to work.
When you become caught up in surviving, you lose that ability to expand your life and improve your situation. You get caught up in surviving. That is a scary, anxious place. It is a place where your quality of life deteriorates.
But it doesn’t need to be that way. You need to allow creativity back into your life. Creativity feeds your mind and your soul. It should work alongside survival, with its focus on your body.
Yes your body needs to survive, but so do your mind and soul.
Finding The Balance Between Survival and Creativity
Finding that balance between survival and creativity is essential for a happy, full, productive life.
One of the ways you can survive and be creative is to meditate. It is that action of stopping and allowing yourself to just be. In this moment. With nowhere to go. With nothing to do. Just be.
At the start of this blog I invited you to have a moment to just be. At the end of that moment, I invited you to ask yourself a question about how you are living your life.
It is in the moments that you stop and just allow yourself to be that allow you to find space for creativity in your life.
After you meditate and clear your mind to allow that sense of just being, there is a time for creativity to allow yourself to connect to your creative inner self. Your soul.
Connecting To Your Creativity
There are many things you can do. Some people write a journal. Some people write poetry. Others dance to their own sound or music.
Then there is painting. This is my preferred method of creativity. After I meditate I use water colour paints to paint what comes up for me in that moment.
This act of creativity has allowed me to discover deep insights into my life and my place in this world. This has allowed me to live, not just survive.
I run workshops to teach people this method of meditation.
Do You Want To Know More?
If you would like to find out more about meditating and creativity, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
