When I teach people to practice mindfulness, the first hurdle I have to overcome is the common misconception that you have to empty your mind to meditate.
Despite me teaching that thoughts will come and just to let them be, the empty your mind belief can be very pervasive.
Emptying Your Mind Is Not How You Meditate
Frequently I will teach someone a simple mindfulness technique and the next time I see them they say they are struggling to empty their mind.
That is not how mindfulness meditation works.
Striving To Empty Your Mind Leads to Feeling a Failure When You Are Not
It is impossible to empty your mind and the effort to do that and the feeling of failure when that doesn’t happen is unhelpful.
In mindfulness, you focus on something and just allow other thoughts to be there without engaging with them.
The Waiting Room Analogy
I often describe it as sitting in a waiting room. Someone else walks in and you see them but you don’t talk to them. It is this way with thoughts. You see the thought is there and you even name it. But you don’t engage with it.
An example of this would be that you are practising focusing on your breath. Suddenly the thought that you need to buy milk pops into your mind. You could engage with that thought and think about when you can do that, where you will buy it from, how you will get to the shop to buy it, how you will fit that in with other things you need to do, and then start worrying that the milk you want to buy may not be at the shop you have selected, so where would be a better place to buy it from?
Sound familiar?
Don’t Engage With The Milk, Try This Instead
An alternative is to notice that the thought of buying milk has popped into your consciousness but that you will worry about that when you are finished with your mindfulness practice. Then you go back to focusing on your breath.
That is how you practice not engaging with the thought.
A Good Way To Get Started
One usual way to start learning mindfulness is to focus on your breath. Just pay attention to the breath in and then the breath out.
If you are breathing in and out and paying attention to that breathing you may find your mind wanders to another thought. When that happens, don’t chastise yourself. Don’t be angry. Just gently and kindly acknowledge the thought and put it to one side. Then bring your attention back to your breathing.
How Often Should I Practice and For How Long?
Just practice this mindfulness technique for about 5 minutes every day. Focus on your in breath and out breath.
It can be helpful to say to yourself “I am breathing in” and “I am breathing out”.
Once you have said I am breathing in/out a few times you can breathe in “peace” and “breathe” out tension.
You can quickly scan your body for any areas of tension and breathe peace into them, and breathe the tension out.
How do you time your five minutes?
You can use the timer on your phone, a kitchen timer or you can use an app such as “Insight Timer” that allows you to set a 5 minute meditation that will make a sound at the end.
The Benefits of Mindfulness
Learning mindfulness is a great way to learn to understand what you are feeling. So many people arrive at adulthood unsure of what they are feeling. Childhood is often a time when children are taught by adults to override their feelings and children can grow mistrustful of what they are feeling.
In the rush of life it is easy to get in the habit of pushing feelings and body sensations aside. Then it becomes hard to identify what you are feeling. Mindfulness is an important way to reconnect with your feelings.
Mindfulness Helps You Understand What You Are Feeling
When you are struggling with challenges in life it can be hard understanding what you are feeling or even if you are feeling anything at all.
This is where mindfulness is helpful.
I find that teaching the people who come to see me how to be mindful is a great step to unravelling those difficulties in life that have brought them to see me.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning mindfulness and learning to understand your feelings and body sensations, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When I talk to people about all things having an energy, even inanimate objects, they often look at me as though I am weird. But do you know that Albert Einstein theorised this very thing? Quantum science has now proven Einstein’s theory by using sensitive instruments to measure the energy objects give off.
Nikola Tesla, who pioneered modern electrical systems spoke of the understanding of the Universe being unlocked by measuring energy, frequency and vibrations.
Energy Vibrations
Vibrations are best defined as being states of being. As the energy given off by something or someone. Vibrations exist because the atoms that are the building blocks of all things vibrate. Different types of atoms vibrate at different speeds. Even things like wood, rocks, the ground vibrate.
This is where the trendy term “vibes” comes from. The theory of all things vibrating at different frequencies.
Often that term is misused by people who don’t understand the true meaning of vibrations or the science behind them.
We Can All Sense Energy Vibrations
It is possible for animals and people to sense vibrations. We don’t consciously do it. Vibrations are part of non verbal communication. We can detect such communication without being aware we are doing it. Of course you can consciously choose to become aware of these sensations, but in reality you pick them up anyway.
You give off vibrations all the time. You can’t not do it.
I realised this many years ago when people always seemed to pick up on the days when I had a low mood, even though I deliberately suppressed it and didn’t tell others how I was feeling.
Energy Attracts Or Repels
In life those vibrations are what often attract or repel us to/from other people. It is why you may avoid a particular person when you are feeling down because you have sensed subconsciously that their negative energy will drag you down.
If you are feeling lacking in energy, or depressed, you are likely to give off lower frequency vibrations than at times when you are feeling upbeat, happy, full of energy. If you are angry the vibrations you give off will be different again.
Energy is A Vital Part of Intuition
If you pay attention to these deep seated messages, the ones that get bundled into the term “intuition”, you will become aware of the way some people attract you and others repel you.
Interestingly researchers have devised a scale for the energy levels of different emotions. The scale ranges from zero to 1,000. This is how various feelings have been ranked:
• 20 – shame
• 100 – fear
• 200 – courage, being willing to take responsibility for your own actions and feeling and also the first level of empowerment. Interesting to know that empowerment has an energy ranking!
• 500 – love
• 700 – enlightenment
Reiki, a form of energy healing, has been found to have the capacity to raise a person’s personal vibration. This also impacts on the Reiki practitioner which explains why not only my client but I also experience higher energy after I perform a Reiki healing on my client.
All Energy Levels Are Important To Experience
As with all things in life, it is important to experience the highs and the lows. Those lower energy experiences are not pleasant, but they are the place where we are able to learn, change and grow.
As part of mindfulness practice, I teach clients to pay attention to their energy levels. What am I feeling now? What is my energy? It is possible to develop awareness of your energy levels and even work at ways to improve your energy.
Once your energy starts to lift is keeps lifting. High energy attracts more energy, whereas low energy repels energy.
11 Ways To Raise Your Energy
There are 11 ways you can bring yourself out of a low energy state and into higher vibration energy.
1.Gratitude.
Making a conscious decision to see the things to be thankful for increases your energy vibrations. Remembering that at the energy vibration of 200 you are empowered, raising that energy level will lead to you feeling more powerful. Understanding that you have that control, that life is full of things to be thankful for, increases your wisdom as well.
2.Moving Your Body
Moving your body can also raise your energy vibrations. Conversely, sitting too long will drop them.
Have you ever noticed how you resist moving when you are feeling resentful and wanting to hold on to that feeling? Once you start moving through rhythmic movement it is hard to maintain that level of energy.
Dancing, especially to music is one of the most effective ways to move your body and raise those energy vibrations. You can dance at an exercise class or dance at home on your own. Research suggests that 10 minutes of moving to your favourite music will start shifting your energy vibrations upwards.
3.Eat Nutrient Dense Foods
Food has its own energy vibration. The more nutrient dense the food is, the better the energy vibration.
Have you ever noticed how weighed down you feel after indulging in a lot of junk food? Even alcohol can reduce your energy levels.
On the flip side, you may have noticed that when you eat well you feel so much lighter.
Food has a major impact on your energy vibrations.
4.Meditation
As I have already mentioned, Mindfulness meditation trains you to be aware of your body. You can better understand your own energy vibrations and be better able to address those issues that lower your energy.
5.Touch
There has been a lot of research over the past decade or so on the benefits of touch.
The finding that premature babies do better when they are touched has led to skin to skin contact with their parents becoming common practice. This has led to better outcomes and higher survival rates among these babies.
Research has also found the negative impact of the lack of touch for the elderly living in nursing homes or isolated at home.
Simply touching someone on the arm when they are distressed is comforting. If you have ever had someone do that to you then you will probably be aware of that comforting sensation. It is soothing, sends the message you are not alone and that someone cares. In fact researchers have found that touch can be a very effective pain relief.
Massage is a form of touch that is particularly powerful. It has been shown to rebalance hormones and reduce cortisol (stress hormone) levels.
Touch releases a powerful hormone often referred to as the love hormone. This hormone is oxytocin. It assists people to feel that sense of connection and safety. It also increases energy vibrations. Higher energy of course means you will feel better and happier.
6.Giving and Receiving
Withholding love, time or even making negative comments about others lowers your energy frequency. Conversely, being generous with your praise, love and time raises your energy. Making the effort to give to others generously increases what you receive as well. So everyone benefits.
7.Be with Positive People
When you spend time with friends who have a high energy it raises your energy as well. This is why it is sometimes better when you are feeling low to make the decision to go out and set the intention to enjoy yourself. That raises your energy so it doesn’t bring your friends down and their high energy raises yours. If the friends you are with understand your difficulties and want to support you then you can raise your energy higher.
8.Make the Decision to Open Your Heart.
Is there someone in your life, either now or in the past, who you loved so much that even thinking about them made you feel happy and lighter?
Did thinking about them make you feel better and that your mood lifted?
Love is one of the highest energy vibration states you can experience. When you love someone your energy is always raised and you feel on top of the world.
Loving yourself is also important. When you spend time caring for you and doing nice things for you that lifts your mood as well.
A great example of that is when you get a new outfit that you feel looks great on you. Or you get a new hairstyle and you are very happy with that. You walk out feeling on top of the world. This is self love.
9.Breathing
When life is stressful you tend to take shallow, quick breaths. This sends a message to your brain that you are in danger and increases cortisol levels in your body. The more you shallow breathe the higher the cortisol levels rise.
It is important to breathe slowly and deeply when you start to feel stressed. There are various ways you can deepen your breathing and slow it down.
• One is to breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4 and wait for 4 before taking the next breath.
• Another is to breathe in, paying attention to your tummy and chest as they rise. You may like to place a hand over your chest and another over your tummy and focus on feeling them rise as you slowly breathe in. If you are breathing properly you will feel them both rise. When you finish the in breath hold your breath for a few seconds. Then breathe out slowly through pursed lips. After a few breaths you can imagine you are breathing in peace as you breathe in and breathing out tension as you breathe out. It is a good idea to do this exercise until you feel calmer. A minimum of 10 breaths works best.
10.A Nice Warm Bath
If you like baths then you can try the old favourite of a lovely bath. Lock the door, dim the lights, light some candles and add some lovely bath oils to the water. You could even play some relaxing music.
Make sure the water is quite warm but not so hot it makes you sweat.
Water is a great energy lifter and many people find this practice relaxing and energising.
11.Be In Nature
Extensive research has shown the benefits of being in nature. Blood pressure lowers, cortisol levels lower and people feel more relaxed. Your energy levels also rise.
Even looking at pictures of nature is relaxing and energising, although no substitute for the real thing.
If you are not close to bushland then going to a park or the beach is effective.
Place your feet flat on the ground and pay attention to the feeling in the soles of your feet as you connect to the ground. Feel the energy of the earth as it enters your feet, then moves up your body. Don’t worry if you can’t feel it immediately, it can take time to learn to connect to energy.
Another thing you can do is hug or touch a tree. It is not a joke, you really can feel the energy of the tree by touching it.
Sitting listening to the sounds of the trees in the breeze, to birds, insects is calming. If you go to the beach you can stand bare foot at the ends of the water and allow the waves to gently touch your feet. Listen to the sound of the waves, the wind, and the birds.
All these things are really relaxing and energising.
If you have a garden, spending time out in the garden with your plants and the grass can also be energising.
I Practice What I Preach
I am often asked what I do to manage with the big stories and low energy of so many beautiful souls who come to see me.
Firstly I reply that it is a privilege to work with such strong survivors, battered as they are, they are determined to heal.
Second I reply that I have my own practices that keep my energy high so that I can share that energy with those who come to see me.
I do follow the 11 ways in my own life, here are some of the things I do:
• Gratitude. I have a daily practise of writing down 10 things I am grateful for at the end of each day. I also make not during the day of anything I think is wonderful and express gratitude for it. Examples of this are: a beautiful sunrise, watching the birds in my garden, seeing a dog smiling up at its owner as it is being walked, someone letting me out of the end of my street in heavy traffic, a child running around with delight and so many more. I make my entire day an opportunity to express gratitude. I also set the intention that I am not going to get annoyed by the things other people do. To counter annoyance I look for something good to say about that person. That quickly defuses any annoyance I may be feeling.
• Moving my body. I dance to music, walk through the bush, and never miss an opportunity to express my delight through movement.
• Eating nutrient dense food: I delight to eat as many wholefoods as I can, while avoiding foods high in sugar. I eat a lot of vegetables, which I love. I have learned to take the time to notice what I am eating and enjoy it, and by doing that needing less food. I love how good my body feels when I eat nutrient dense foods.
• Mindfulness and other meditation. I get up early every morning and start the day with meditation. Sometimes I listen to a guided meditation, sometimes I listen to music and focus on the music. Other times I focus on my breath. After I am finished I stretch my body then meditatively paint. As a Reiki practitioner I meditate on the 5 Reiki Principles to release my investment in staying hurt and angry, to release worry and be mindful of the present moment, to be grateful and appreciate all the wonders and blessings of life, to do my work diligently, even seemingly small insignificant tasks and to show compassion for all living things. This is a wonderful way to reset and to set the tone of the rest of the day.
• Touch. I love giving and receiving hugs. I hug my family, my dogs, my friends. I grew up in a family that never touched. Learning how to hug opened up my world in such a powerful way. I also schedule regular massages to help settle my nervous system.
• Giving and Receiving. I give compassion and acceptance to as many people as I can. When I encounter other people I choose to consider their needs and what is happening in their lives rather than find fault or take offense with what they do. When I am hurt by the things of life, or feeling overwhelmed I have a beautiful tribe of women I can turn to for support. I have learned to be very proactive in seeking help.
• Be with positive people. I have found in my life that being with the people I know who lift my energy is important. It helps that those people are such beautiful, caring people. I have also learned to not take on the negative energy of others. I also have made the decision to not have contact with people who are overwhelmingly negative and sap my energy. This is about honouring my needs and my self care.
• I choose to open my heart and risk having friendships with other people. I know that if I am burned in that relationship I will hurt and need time to feel that hurt and heal from it. But I am strong enough to survive. I will continue to risk hurt by opening myself to friendships.
• Breathing. As part of my meditative practice I focus on my breathing and on breathing deeply and slowly. Because I practice this it is easy for me to practice slowing and deepening my breathing when I am in a stressful situation.
• I do on occasion have a nice warm bath. It is a lovely way to destress.
• Be in nature. As often as I can I go out into nature. I hug trees, sit at their base, sit beside water as it runs past in creeks and cascades. I gaze at the sky, noting the clouds and the colours of the sky. I look for the moon and the different constellations of stars in the night sky. I listen for the sounds of the birds in the day and the flying foxes and owls at night. I love to walk amongst the trees and look up at their magnificence and delight in the wonder of them. Even if I can’t get out into the bush there are places near where I live where trees tower over the footpath and I can gaze up at them. It is not hard to incorporate the 11 ways to raise your energy into your life. Why not try it yourself?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to raise your energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
“Few of us have escaped experiencing trauma in our human life. I define trauma as a difficult life event that was too overwhelming to emotionally process when it happened. When you become emotionally overwhelmed, trauma is stored in your body, waiting for another time in the future to be digested, resolved and healed.” ~ Shelley Klammer
Many of the difficult feelings that are experienced in life are never dealt with. Maybe at the time there was too much going on to be able to process what had happened. Maybe there wasn’t support available to help you process what had happened. Often these traumatic experiences occur in childhood.
Frequently other people don’t understand how traumatic seemingly (to them) unimportant events can be to a child. If others don’t comprehend the impact the event had on you, then they can’t help you process it.
Sadly, not all children have adults in their lives who are attuned to them or have the skills to help them process the difficult things that happen in life.
So You Think Your Childhood Trauma Didn’t Impact You?
I have witnessed so many people who claim they were never impacted by the difficult things that happened in their lives, but the way they react to things and the difficulties they face in life tell another story.
So often individuals are unaware of the impacts because they have covered them up for so long, at first as a matter of survival and later because they have covered them up so successfully they can no longer see them as existing.
My Journey Of Discovery
I know. I did the same thing. As I grew older, and learned more, I started to try to understand what was happening for me.
My mother dying helped, as her hold over me was broken. It was like waking up and seeing the things she did to me and hearing what other people had observed but I hadn’t been ready to hear until she was dead.
When I studied counselling I discovered a lot of places where trauma had impacted me. I was able to see that shadow side. The trauma side.
Along the way I sought my own counselling to help heal the trauma impacts.
Shame
I was also able to acknowledge the shame I felt at being abused as a child.
Shame is a major part of childhood abuse. The child is often told the adult’s bad behaviour is the child’s fault. Even if the child is not told that, the child concludes they are bad and shameful because it is the only way they can make sense of what is happening to them.
Trauma Healing Is Active And Lifelong
I continue to discover places where trauma has impacted me. I suspect I will continue finding these impacts until I die. They are not major now, but they are still there.
Seeing Trauma Impacts As Different Parts Of You
I have learned to be able to see those impacts as a child of the age when the trauma occurred. That helps to be more objective about the impacts.
It helps to have compassion for the child, rather than judging her. It helps me to understand better how hard I had to work as a child and how well I have done to be fairly normal as an adult.
Mindfulness, reflection and compassion are my tools for exploring all those hurt places.
You can learn this too. On your journey you will find it hard to be able to do this alone. This is where a trauma trained counsellor is helpful.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma impacts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
“Few of us have escaped experiencing trauma in our human life. I define trauma as a difficult life event that was too overwhelming to emotionally process when it happened. When you become emotionally overwhelmed, trauma is stored in your body, waiting for another time in the future to be digested, resolved and healed.” ~ Shelley Klammer
Many of the difficult feelings that are experienced in life are never dealt with. Maybe at the time there was too much going on to be able to process what had happened. Maybe there wasn’t support available to help you process what had happened. Often these traumatic experiences occur in childhood.
Frequently other people don’t understand how traumatic seemingly (to them) unimportant events can be to a child. If others don’t comprehend the impact the event had on you, then they can’t help you process it.
Sadly, not all children have adults in their lives who are attuned to them or have the skills to help them process the difficult things that happen in life.
Subheading So You Think Your Childhood Trauma Didn’t Impact You?
I have witnessed so many people who claim they were never impacted by the difficult things that happened in their lives, but the way they react to things and the difficulties they face in life tell another story.
So often individuals are unaware of the impacts because they have covered them up for so long, at first as a matter of survival and later because they have covered them up so successfully they can no longer see them as existing.
Subheading My Journey Of Discovery
I know. I did the same thing. As I grew older, and learned more, I started to try to understand what was happening for me.
My mother dying helped, as her hold over me was broken. It was like waking up and seeing the things she did to me and hearing what other people had observed but I hadn’t been ready to hear until she was dead.
When I studied counselling I discovered a lot of places where trauma had impacted me. I was able to see that shadow side. The trauma side.
Along the way I sought my own counselling to help heal the trauma impacts.
Subheading Shame
I was also able to acknowledge the shame I felt at being abused as a child.
Shame is a major part of childhood abuse. The child is often told the adult’s bad behaviour is the child’s fault. Even if the child is not told that, the child concludes they are bad and shameful because it is the only way they can make sense of what is happening to them.
Subheading Trauma Healing Is Active And Lifelong
I continue to discover places where trauma has impacted me. I suspect I will continue finding these impacts until I die. They are not major now, but they are still there.
Subheading Seeing Trauma Impacts As Different Parts Of You
I have learned to be able to see those impacts as a child of the age when the trauma occurred. That helps to be more objective about the impacts.
It helps to have compassion for the child, rather than judging her. It helps me to understand better how hard I had to work as a child and how well I have done to be fairly normal as an adult.
Mindfulness, reflection and compassion are my tools for exploring all those hurt places.
You can learn this too. On your journey you will find it hard to be able to do this alone. This is where a trauma trained counsellor is helpful.
Sub heading Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma impacts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Breathe deeply in and allow that breathe out slowly.
Breathe in and out a few more times.
Turn your attention to your heart centre.
Maybe you would like to place your hand over your heart.
Ask yourself the question:
Am I just surviving, or am I living my life creatively?
The Curse Of The Modern World
With the busy lives that are led in the modern world, it is easy to get caught up in just surviving. Rushing from activity to activity. Never stopping, never relaxing, never just having fun. Never allowing yourself to use your creative side to enrich and grow your life.
Scientists who study our ancient ancestors contend that once people were able to move away from spending all their time surviving, they had time and space to be creative. It was this creativity that allowed them to expand their lives and further improve their situation.
It was this time for creativity that allowed our ancestors to become farmers, then to devise new tools and weapons. This creativity allowed progress to occur.
Growing Creatively
In order to grow this way, our ancestors had to allow space in their lives to allow creativity to work.
When you become caught up in surviving, you lose that ability to expand your life and improve your situation. You get caught up in surviving. That is a scary, anxious place. It is a place where your quality of life deteriorates.
But it doesn’t need to be that way. You need to allow creativity back into your life. Creativity feeds your mind and your soul. It should work alongside survival, with its focus on your body.
Yes your body needs to survive, but so do your mind and soul.
Finding The Balance Between Survival and Creativity
Finding that balance between survival and creativity is essential for a happy, full, productive life.
One of the ways you can survive and be creative is to meditate. It is that action of stopping and allowing yourself to just be. In this moment. With nowhere to go. With nothing to do. Just be.
At the start of this blog I invited you to have a moment to just be. At the end of that moment, I invited you to ask yourself a question about how you are living your life.
It is in the moments that you stop and just allow yourself to be that allow you to find space for creativity in your life.
After you meditate and clear your mind to allow that sense of just being, there is a time for creativity to allow yourself to connect to your creative inner self. Your soul.
Connecting To Your Creativity
There are many things you can do. Some people write a journal. Some people write poetry. Others dance to their own sound or music.
Then there is painting. This is my preferred method of creativity. After I meditate I use water colour paints to paint what comes up for me in that moment.
This act of creativity has allowed me to discover deep insights into my life and my place in this world. This has allowed me to live, not just survive.
I run workshops to teach people this method of meditation.
Do You Want To Know More?
If you would like to find out more about meditating and creativity, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
This quote from a Tara Brach lecture is a reminder that you need to find your purpose in life. This is not some mystical endeavour, it is actually relatively simple.
What are the things you love doing?
What is your passion?
Not what others tell you that you are good at, or that you should be doing. No. This is about what you love doing. What you dream of doing.
What Makes You Happy?
Think of the things you long to do. The things that make you happy.
When you identify what makes you happy let your purpose come to you. Practice mindfulness. Sometimes meditate on the things the make you happy.
Explore without agenda, just with curiosity, what it is about those things that makes you happy. Allow the exploration to lead you to where it sends you.
Learn To Listen To Your Intuition
If you haven’t already done so, learn to listen to your intuition. That feeling in your belly that alerts you to things that you are uncomfortable with and things you love doing. That feeling that longs to do things.
Do the things you love. Allow your imagination to dream about them. Follow your intuition. In time create your ideal reality. Realise that the longings you feel, the call you hear, is calling you for a reason. This is the path, the path you follow with purpose. This is your purpose in life.
Your Purpose
Your purpose is what YOU follow. Nobody else has to follow that path. Nobody else has to understand why you follow it. Nobody else has the right to criticise or judge your path. It is your path, your responsibility, your choice.
Finding that path is great. Following it is often daunting.
Following Your Purpose
Tara Brach talks about how in times like this you forget your oceannness. You identify with the waves crashing on the shore, tossing you around when you swim in the surf. Those waves can be scary. They are hard to learn to ride. Even experienced surfers fall off waves frequently. That can be scary.
But Tara reminds us you are not the waves. You are the ocean. Never forget your oceanness. You should be identifying with the ocean, not the waves. The ocean is vast and powerful and the waves have little impact on it. The ocean is bigger than the waves and you don’t have to be afraid of the waves, because you are the ocean.
You Are The Ocean And The Waves Are Thoughts and Feelings
See the waves as thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. Just listen to them. I love to watch the waves on stormy days. Their power and their ferociousness is awe inspiring. But if you look out beyond the waves, the ocean if fairly flat. If you were to travel out way beyond the continental shelf you would see the vast ocean, stretching as far as you can see in all directions. This vast body of water that hardly moves at all.
The waves have little impact on the ocean itself. And your thoughts and feelings have no power over you. Using the essential skill of mindfulness meditation, you can listen to those thoughts and feelings. When you ground yourself in the present moment, in reality, and use mindfulness, you can take a step back from those thoughts and feelings and just observe them.
Learning To Identify With the Ocean
You are the ocean and you are not the waves breaking on the shore. You can see them and observe them, but they have little impact on the deepest part of you.
When you identify with the calm, deep and steady ocean and use mindfulness you can just observe the emotions and realise you may be experiencing them, but you are not the emotions and thoughts. You are the calm, deep, steady ocean.
How To Manage Overwhelming Thoughts and Memories
You can do this every time emotions or memories overwhelm you. Focus on your breathing. feel into the sensations in your body. Connect to the ground. Take that step back and observe the emotions.
Sometimes it is helpful to say “this too”. I have found this a really helpful phrase to remind me to step back from the emotions and observe them rather than be overwhelmed by them.
Be the observer watching the waves crash on the shore, not the person being thrown around by them, struggling not to drown.
Journalling after you meditate is really helpful. It is especially useful after you have meditated to manage overwhelm.
How Do I Learn To Meditate?
I will shortly be making available a recording of how to do a basic mindfulness meditation.
It often works better if you can get spoken instructions. If you were sitting in my therapy room, or the location where we have chosen to hold a therapy session, I would instruct you on how to do this.
For now, I will write some instructions. If you sing up for my newsletter you will receive a free mindfulness mediation that guides you to explore your feelings safely. It is a helpful interim measure and you may learn from it too.
Practicing Mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness is about allowing yourself to be present. Really present. It is about paying attention to what is happening in you and around you. Sometimes, too deep an exploration of your internal feelings can be overwhelming so it is often helpful to be mindful of your boundaries and what is going on around you.
I am going to describe a mindfulness mediation that focuses on your boundaries and what is around you.
A Mindfulness Meditation
Find somewhere comfortable to sit or lie. Somewhere where you won’t be disturbed.
It can be helpful to listen to gentle music, there is plenty you can find online or you may have some in your music library.
You may choose to close your eyes, or if that is too difficult to do, soften your focus so that you are not looking at anything.
Breathe in deeply so that you feel your tummy rise. Then slowly release that breath.
Pay attention to what it feels like as you breathe in, as the air enters your nose, as your tummy and chest rise.
Then pay attention to what it feels like as you breathe out, your tummy and chest drop and you can feel the air leaving your nose.
You may even hear yourself breathe in and out.
You may choose to say to yourself “I am breathing in”. “I am breathing out.”
You may choose to say to yourself “As I breathe in, I breathe in peace”. “As I breathe out I breathe out tension.”
Continue breathing gently and easily for a while.
When you are ready you may choose to check in with your body to identify how you are feeling. This involves focusing on each area of the body as you breathe in and out and noticing anything you are feeling there. It may be tension, pain, discomfort, heat, cold, relaxation. Don’t judge what you feel, just notice it.
If at any time you find yourself noticing other things, maybe a thought pops up, just notice it and don’t engage with it. It is as if someone has come into the room and you know they are there but you choose not to talk with them.
As I mentioned earlier, it can be distressing for some people to explore the body. If you notice that you may switch to observing your boundaries.
Notice your body as it touches whatever you are sitting or lying on. Notice the feeling of the fabric where your skin is making contact. Notice the feeling of pressure where your body is making contact with the other surface. If your feet are touching the floor notice your feet touching the floor. If you are in a room with a breeze, notice the feeling of the breeze on your skin.
Once you have paid attention to your boundaries (your skin) you can turn your attention to things you are hearing. Maybe you can hear a clock ticking, or a bird calling outside the window. Maybe you can hear rain, wind, cars, a far-off lawn mower, children playing. Just gently notice those things without judgement.
Continue breathing in and out and just observing what you are paying attention to, whether it is inside your body or outside of your body.
When you are ready you may open your eyes, stretch and go about your day.
How Often Should I Practice Mindfulness And For How Long?
Mindfulness meditation does not have to be long. I suggest at least 5 minutes at a time. If you can manage that once or twice a day then you will become familiar with this practice and be well equipped to practice it whenever you are overwhelmed.
Just practicing mindfulness when you are overwhelmed won’t work because you will be trying to learn a new practice when your brain is not able to do that. But if you practice mindfulness when you are calm then you can just quickly use it when overwhelmed and your brain will be able to use mindfulness to help you regain calm.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with discovering your life purpose and/or learning mindfulness,, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
One of the buzz words you will likely hear spoken around disasters and traumas is resilience. It is particularly popular in schools where teachers speak enthusiastically about developing resilience in children. Sadly, teachers have so much they had to teach children that adding resilience to the mix is really difficult.
Resilience Is Not Always Enough
What researchers have found is that maintaining resilience is virtually impossible. Resilience is defined as a consistent ability to adapt to difficult situations and return to normal.
This is fine if you have gaps between your difficult situations that allow you to adapt. As for returning to normal. Once something, anything, happens it changes you and you can’t go back, only forward.
Resilience requires great mental toughness. Something that goes out the window with massive difficulties. Facing a life changing crisis is more likely to leave you feeling weak and disempowered.
Mental Toughness Leaves When Facing Heartbreak
If you have been through a disaster or major trauma, or you have faced a devastating grief, mental toughness is one thing that will be in short supply.
You are scared, tired, overwhelmed, not knowing what to do next.
Resilience goes out the window here and suggesting to a person in that situation that they are resilient and will cope, or that they need to learn resilience is soul destroying.
You Can Only Ever Go Forward, Never Back
In grief, as in disasters and major traumas, life altering events occur. There is no going back to what you were. You are in uncharted territory.
You won’t bounce back. You won’t get over it. You won’t go back to what was there before. To how you were before.
Learning To Be A New Person
What you do need to do is learn how to be a new person. The new person who has suffered a loss and has been changed by what has happened to them.
You won’t bounce back, you will likely limp slowly over the finish line, long after the race organisers have packed up and gone home.
Imagination, The Hero Of Healing
What is more likely to help you in grief is your imagination. That right brain side. The creativity that allows you to find solutions to life’s problems. The side that allows you to imagine things. The side that is curious, open and allows you to adapt.
The right side of your brain allows you to imagine the future. It allows you to look at the future from different angles. It allows you to perceive your blackness and despair as something temporary and malleable. As something you can change. As a future with potential.
Imagination Brings Your Conscious Brain Back On Line
There is a method of using imagination to reimagine past events in an effort to heal the past trauma. This uses the concept that imagining things stimulates the cognitive part of our brains that is usually taken off line in unsafe situations, such as grief and trauma.
Researchers have discovered that if you are able understand what matters to you most right now then you can use your imagination to discover what is possible for you to do in the present moment.
Imagining What You Are Able To Do
Your imagination actually helps you to imagine what you are able to do in this moment. Not what you “should” be doing, but what you are able to do.
The interesting thing about imagination is that it can find slight suggestions of hope that you can use to help you through this time of heartbreak.
People who have used their imagination to get through grief have found that imagining something as simple as getting out of bed, having a shower, eating breakfast, getting dressed, going out of the house. Have helped them actually do those things that had seemed so impossible.
Imagination Helps You Get Back Into The World
As the people moved out of the deepest parts of the crisis they were able to imagination things that led them out more into the world.
Over time, these people were able to use their imaginations to discover the new them and the new life without the one they loved so much.
Your Imagination Will Never Remove Your Pain, But…
You can never imagine away your pain. That would be impossible. But you can imagine small gaps in your suffering that can allow other things to happen. Moments of laughter, connection with others and compassion for yourself and others.
You can imagine so much more. Maybe a conversation with a stranger that becomes amazingly soothing and even healing. Peace when you suddenly see a beautiful flower. The feeling of support when someone gives you a hug.
Imagination allows you to discover that your life is not all pain, that there are still things in your life that are not pain.
Find Your Way Out Of The Pain
When you are in such pain that you can’t see a way out, imagination can allow you to make a choice that will help you see there are gaps in that pain. This is wonderfully helpful for you in being able to cope.
You can imagine choices in what you will do, in where you will go, in whether life is all darkness, or there is light there.
Using your imagination allows you to imagine meaning in the loss of your loved one.
Making a Choice Between Hardness or Imagination and Possibilities
Yes, you can survive the depths of grief by becoming hard, or you can use your imagination to find those gaps in your grief where you can use your curiosity and be able to live with the uncertainty of your life as it will become. You can even use your imagination to stop being afraid of your suffering.
The Role of Mindfulness
To use your imagination it can be helpful to use mindfulness to access that area of your brain.
Mindfulness is a practice that is best used regularly, preferably daily. It can be just 5 minutes. You can do it quietly without anyone else noticing. Although it is best done somewhere away from others, many people practice on public transport on the way to or from work because that is when they have the best opportunity to snatch 5 minutes.
A Helpful Mindfulness Practice
• Sit quietly, preferably somewhere where you will not be disturbed. This is really helpful when you first learn to do mindfulness.
• If you can, close your eyes so that you can focus better. Alternatively you can soften your focus or look down into your lap.
• Take a deep slow breath in to your tummy.
• Release that breath slowly.
• Continue to breath deeply, in and out.
• As you breathe in, notice the feeling of the air entering your nose, you tummy and chest expanding.
• As you breathe out, notice the feeling of the air leaving your nose and your tummy and chest contracting.
• As you breathe in, breathe in peace.
• As you breathe out, breathe out tension.
• Breathing in peace
• Breathing out Tension.
• Once you are settled into this rhythm, and you feel the tension has been released from your body, breathe in say to yourself:
• “Who I was before this time of suffering cannot be resurrected.”
• Continue to say this for a few breaths.
• Now when breathing in say a word of something you are determined to experience while experiencing this hardship. The word may be peace, growth, connection, surprise, reconciliation or any other word that expresses what you are determined to experience in your recovery.
• Now use this word as you continue to breathe in.
• Imagine what it would feel like to be that word, not in the future but now. Find somewhere in your current life where you can feel that word now.
This may seem hard at first, and it will be. But with commitment to practice regularly you can find a way to move forward with your life and your healing from heartbreak.
Can I Help?
Sometimes, when going through experiences that are hard to live through, it can be helpful to get help from a counsellor. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your heartbreak, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I often write about the way our brains suppress uncomfortable feelings. In this blog I am going to talk about how this relates to grief and how you can learn to sit with what is uncomfortable in your grief journey.
When you feel uncomfortable feelings, your brain responds in many ways.
The first way is you may consciously push the uncomfortable feelings aside. The more you do it, the easier it is to do next time. A lot of people learn to do this as they grow up. It is how we survive in a society that expects us to push our feelings aside in order to maintain the status quo.
But your brain acts subconsciously (without thinking) and unconsciously (below conscious awareness) as well to suppress the uncomfortable feelings.
Where does the brain hide these feelings? In your body. But those feelings don’t just stay there. They agitate to be heard. A lot of pain in the body actually comes from those suppressed, hidden feelings.
Imagine how hard it is to find those feelings and express them when your brain has been so efficient at hiding them! This happens generally in life, but in this blog I am talking about how this happens with grief and makes it hard to process that grief and move forward in life.
What are the impacts of pain hidden in the body?
The raw pain that sits in your body has never had a chance to be processed. That pain can and does get triggered on occasion and then you are left feeling overwhelmed. Often the pain is never recognised for what it is. But its impacts are far reaching. They may even cause you to feel so overwhelmed with life that you are unable to move forward with your life.
What can I do about this pain?
Processing your pain daily is helpful. That is the ideal. In the early weeks of grief you may find daily too hard to do at first. But try when you can and eventually you will reach a point where you can process this pain daily.
How can I process this pain?
There are many ways to process the pain. I have a daily practice, which I teach in my “Paint Your Soul” workshops. If you have not explored what is hidden within yourself before, it may be more helpful for you to start with a different approach. This allows you to process the great volume of past hidden feelings.
Trust Your Intuition
I often have people telling me they don’t trust their intuition. This is because they have had bad experiences where they thought everything would work out and it didn’t. They often think they have listened to their intuition and it turned out badly. When asked to describe the experience in more detail, it emerges that their intuition was sending clear messages they weren’t heeding because their needs were drowning out the wise voice of their body.
Sit with your body
I teach people to take the time to sit with their feelings and focus on their bodies. Shutting down the brain’s chatter is challenging. But this practice, which is mindfulness, can be learned.
It is often better to learn from someone skilled with mindfulness. I often teach people who come to see me to practice mindfulness in their bodies.
Mindfulness needs to be practiced or it doesn’t work. When you are feeling relaxed and secure is a great time to learn how to tune into your body and listen. When you learn how to do that, it is more likely you can use mindfulness when you start to feel unsafe.
How do I use mindfulness to explore these hidden feelings?
A daily practice of mindfulness meditation and journalling is a great way to explore these feelings.
This involves meditating, listening to the body and writing in a journal the things you have observed.
This method helps you to listen to your body, understand the uncomfortable feelings hidden there and learn how trustworthy your intuition actually is.
How do I journal?
To do this practice, you need to commit to 15 minutes of practice a day.
It is best when you can be in a quiet place and undisturbed.
Getting up 15 minutes earlier in the morning is one way to achieve this if you can’t find space at any other point in the day.
What I have found when I did this practice was that the more I cleared subconsciously, the more my unconscious mind released for processing.
Sitting With The Discomfort Journal
Before you start, you need something to write your notes in. You will find you won’t write a lot, but it is important to record what you need to. This allows you to see patterns, discover hidden feelings, see progress and be encouraged. An old exercise book is ideal for this.
You may like to set a timer for 15 minutes so that you will know when the time is up.
Step 1 – Clear the Space Around You
To do this step, you may like to play some relaxing music quietly in the background. This is useful if there are distracting noises within hearing range.
Sit quietly and focus on your breathing. Note when you breath in and when you breathe out.
Breathe in deeply so that your chest and belly rise. Then breathe out slowly.
Take a few minutes to breathe in and out, just noticing the feeling of your in and out breathe.
Now notice your body. Breathe into each area of your body and observe how it is feeling. Then breathe out any tension held there.
Once you feel you are relaxed, ask yourself how you are feeling today. Don’t push the answers, just allow them to come up. Don’t let the issues that may arise overwhelm you. It helps to identify what comes up as “the feeling of”. This helps to keep it more objective.
Step 2 – Choose a Problem
Now choose one problem you will focus on. Remember to be outside the problem, keeping it objective.
Notice where in your body you can feel this problem. What are you feeling in your body?
Note down without too much detail what and where you are feeling things.
Step 3 – Explore the Problem
After writing down your notes, come back to the breathing in and out, and feel into that part of the body that is housing the problem.
What word, phrase, symbol or image comes up when you sit observing this problem?
Allow yourself to sit for a while to allow something to come up. Don’t try too hard. Just allow what comes up to come up. If nothing comes up that is okay.
Stay with what comes up and allow it to develop. When you feel you have enough detail then write a description of this in your journal. This is your felt sense.
Step 4 – Matching the Felt Sense and Description
Go back to breathing in and out as you focus. Once you are focused bring up the feeling of the problem again and think about it with the words you used in your journal to describe it. Do you feel they were the right words? If your body experience of your problem changes then follow the new changes. If either the feeling or the description need to change then do that.
Keep exploring this until you feel your description is the right one.
Step 5 – Ask More Questions
Now that your description of your problem feels right, it is time to ask your sense of the problem to deepen.
Feel the part of your body where you sense the problem. Ask it what the significance of the problem is. Ask it if the problem has more to add.
One technique I often use is to ask the problem what it wants, what it needs and what will it feel like if it gets what it needs.
Keep asking it questions until you feel you have explored enough.
Step 6 – What Does Your Body Want to Give You?
This may not happen on your first go. It may be that you may not even be able to identify the problem or find it in your body.
Persevere. As you do this practice every day you will learn how to find these problems in your body and understand your body better. You will also get faster at exploring the problems. With practice, you will learn to trust your intuition.
For this final step just sit again with your breath and the awareness of the body part where the problem was hidden. Allow yourself to be aware of anything that comes up. You may observe images, symbols, words, colours or any way you gain an impression of what you are experiencing around your intuition and the problem.
Sit with whatever comes up.
Sometimes you feel emotionally there has been a major shift. Just sit with that as your body absorbs what has happened.
As you sit you may develop an understanding, or that may not come for some time.
When you open your eyes you can record any impressions you gained.
Sit quietly for a few minutes. Feel your feet on the floor. Wiggle your toes. Move your fingers. Stretch your arms above your head. Listen to the noises in the room and outside. Then when you are ready open your eyes and go about your day.
Daily Practice Leads to Results
It may take some time to gain understanding and insights and that is normal. As you practice every day, you will notice over time that things become clearer and with that comes understanding.
You will also notice that the uncomfortable feelings are not as uncomfortable as you thought they were.
How This Relates to Grief
A major aspect of grief is being able to experience the pain and understand it. It is in letting yourself feel the pain that you are able to process it. Processing involves the experience of pain and the giving of meaning to it. It also allows you to be able to move through life with the pain so that it is more manageable.
Sometimes This Practice is Better Learned From a Professional
If you are having trouble learning this practice. Or the pain is overwhelming and you can’t do it. I am experienced in teaching mindfulness, as well as being trained in Grief and Loss Counselling. You are welcome to make an appointment to see me so that I can help you with mindfulness, being able to sit with those uncomfortable feelings, and learning how to do the steps of the daily practice.
I can be contacted on nan@plentifulllifecounselling.com.au or 0409396608.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to complete your Sitting With The Discomfort Journal, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
