There has been extensive research into the impacts of stress on our physical and emotional health. It can cause our cells in our bodies to age faster.
There has also been extensive research into the benefits of taking time out to rest and relax.
But what exactly is rest and relaxation?
How do you overcome the subliminal messaging that you are wasting time if you aren’t achieving something, or ticking off something on your to do list?
How do you allow space in your life to just be, not do?
Seeing Breathing Space as Essential
It is time to stop seeing allowing breathing space as something you have to earn, or that is lazy or indulgent. It is time to realise that breathing space is a basic human need.
To have true breathing space you have to allow your brain to rest. The human brain is not designed to handle constant activity. Constant activity is detrimental to brain health. It also stifles creativity.
Spending time on the computer or on your phone does not rest your brain. In fact research has shown it can increase anxiety and depression.
In a busy day even 10 minutes of brain rest is helpful.
What Are The Benefits of Giving Your Brain a Rest?
Research has shown you focus better on tasks after a short brain rest.
Short breaks can also increase your energy levels and reduce feelings of fatigue.
Giving yourself breathing space also increases your creativity.
When your brain is overloaded it is tired and stressed. Irritability is more common as is also a reduction in compassion for self and others.
How Do You Allow Breathing Space Into Your Life?
• Focus on ‘nothing’
• Start small and work up to longer breathing space
• When in doubt, lie down.
To expand on this:
By focusing on ‘nothing’ you are actually practising mindfulness. In mindfulness you are not actually clearing your mind. This is a common misconception and leads many people to feel they have failed at meditation.
What you are doing is shifting your focus. Instead of your attention darting from one thing to another, you are instead focusing on one thing – your breathe. This focus on your breath is very relaxing. It sends a signal to your brain that you are safe and allows your brain to rest.
When thoughts enter your mind you just acknowledge them and don’t engage with them. It is like sitting in a waiting room. Other people come in and you notice they are there, but you do not talk to them. That is what you do with thoughts. You notice they are there, but you don’t engage with them.
Walking Meditation
Mindfulness can take many forms. In this blog I am talking about walking mindfulness meditation.
This involves a focus on walking. You pay attention to your breath and your feet as you put one foot down, then another. You can stop every so often to just notice what is around you and allow your focus to shift to those things. Then you can go back to noticing your breath and feet as you put one foot down.
You can do this anywhere, but it is best done outside on the ground. This adds the positive impact of nature into your breathing space activity.
Would you like to know more?
If you live on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia I run a Friday morning (7am) walking meditation group. We meet at Mooloolaba Surf Club at 7am and walk and meditate on the beach for an hour. This allows mindfulness to be combined with the breathing space effect of nature.
If you would like to know more about the Friday morning group, please contact me on nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to know more but cannot make my walking group, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au to arrange an appointment.
If you would like to learn even more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Did you know that emotions rise up and then fade within 90 seconds if you can identify your internal experience, give the emotions a name and allow them to flow?
If you try to suppress your emotions, or pretend they are not happening then they last longer and feel a lot more powerful.
When you feel an emotion you need to go surfing.
Just as a surfer rides a wave you need to allow yourself to rise up on the crest of the emotion. You need to get uncomfortable. You need to listen to what that discomfort is telling you. If you try to fight it then it will get worse.
If you listen to that discomfort and follow that discomfort to find the need under the feelings you are experiencing then you will ride that wave to the end and emerge with the emotion in the past.
Sometimes it can be hard to sit with that discomfort. Maybe you have never learned to feel safe with the discomfort. Maybe you don’t know how to search for the need that underlies the emotions.
If you come to see me about emotions you are experiencing, I will always help you sit with those emotions and listen to the discomfort that is there. You can learn to do this and sometimes you need help to learn.
Anger, frustration and resentment are emotions that frequently trouble people. These emotions however are secondary emotions. They come on top of another emotion.
You could liken those emotions to an iceberg. What you see on the surface is the emotion of anger, frustration or resentment.
What is underneath the water is often sadness, pain, fear, disappointment and loss. These emotions have often been laid down in childhood when things happened that you couldn’t process properly either because you didn’t understand what had happened, or because you didn’t have the skills to process them.
Once you learn how to explore and identify your secondary emotions, you can start healing the primary emotions that you have carried around since childhood.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
If you read my blogs regularly, you will by now be familiar with the fact that grief is not a sequential process with and end point. It goes on for the rest of your life.
The intensity of the pain will lessen in intensity and frequency over time, but there will still be days when you are hit by the pain.
Sub heading How To Manage Those Difficult Days
The following are ways people report have helped them:
1. Comfort Kit.
This kit is a special box or bag that can be placed somewhere easy to access.
Put in it things that you find comforting. Popular items include candles, bath oils, art supplies, a cuddly toy.
This box is about doing something special for you as you feel low. To give you love and a warm hug of comfort.
What can you put in your comfort kit?
2. Important Lists To Assist
By this I mean the following:
• Put together a playlist of favourite uplifting songs. Don’t add sad songs to the list, those songs are for other times. This list is about listening to songs that soothe and encourage.
• Keep an updated list of people you can talk to on those bad days. This should be composed of people who will give you the support, love and encouragement you need on those bad days.
• Have a list of movement activities. These are things you can do to get you up and moving. This can include places to walk, something to dance to, some yoga exercises to practise, work you can do in the garden. Anything that gets you moving in an enjoyable way (so don’t decide to tackle a massive weed pile in the garden unless you get great joy out of tackling that).
• A feel good list. This is a list of things you enjoy doing that make you feel good. This might involve funny movies, inspiriting books, comfort food, friends to visit who make you feel good, animals you love to see and so on.
• Getting out in nature list. Ideas of things you can do out in nature. Research proves the value of nature – be it the bush or the beach. These are places you can go to feel better. Maybe it is to go on a hike, walk along a favourite beach, sit in a park, listen to birds, whale watch, swim. The list is endless.
• Positive sayings or affirmations: On your good days, collects sayings and affirmations. When you are having a bad day get them out and read through them. They can be as simple as: “ It’s okay to cry”, “This will pass” “It is okay to be sad” “It is okay to have a sad day” “It is okay to take time out to honour your pain”.
• Places you can go to care for yourself: This can include a place you find comforting, places you can visit, tourist ideas you have never visited in your local area, going to a retreat to reflect and be pampered. Places that feed your soul.
Which of these lists would you find useful? Make those lists today.
3. Daily Gratitude Journal.
This is a preventative measure. The ideas is that you have a special journal where you write 10 things you are grateful for every day. Write your list then read it out aloud and say “Thank you, thank you, thank you” after each list item. Remember small things can be on that list, not just spectacular things. You can be grateful for you feet because they support you as you go about your day. You can be grateful for the food you eat. You can be grateful for family members. You can be grateful for your home, even furniture in your home.
The other use for a gratitude list is that you can take it our on your bad days and read it.
As well as a gratitude journal, I also have a gratitude jar. I write things on a piece of paper that I am grateful for. I write at least once a week and add items on other days if something amazing happens.
4. Grief Support Groups You Can Reach Out To.
Many people find going to a grief support group, joining a live group online, joining a social media group is helpful. They report the benefits of seeking support from those groups on their bad days provides great comfort.
5. Ask For Help List.
There are times when you may need the support of a grief counsellor. Having a list of counsellors in your local area makes it easier for you to ring to arrange an appointment.
Time For Action
Now is the time to write down your plan of action for your next difficult day.
What will you put in that plan?
Are you going to assemble your comfort box?
Have you written some lists of things to do?
Have you considered some of the other things you can do to support you on those bad days?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your bad days, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When you are in a difficult situation it can be hard to see a way out of it.
Often the way out of the situation is to change the perspective on that situation.
This is what I describe as moving around the circle of the problem.
Moving Around the Circle of the Problem
If you imagine the problem as an object in front of you.
Imagine there is a circle around the problem and you are standing on a spot on that circle.
The spot you are standing on is one of great difficulty with no seeming way out of the problem.
But what is you took a step to the left or right around the circle? What would the problem look like then?
Using the Circle of the Problem
This is something I have used for most of my adult life. It is something that is possible to learn and apply with determination and intention.
The next time you find yourself with a problem to solve try this.
Imagine yourself standing on a circle looking at the problem.
Then imagine you are taking a step to the left or right. As you take that imaginary step, do so with the intention of seeking the problem from a different angle.
It is amazing how solvable a problem looks when you just take a step to one side or another of a problem.
Take Time to Consider the Problem
Sometimes you need time to sit with a problem before you are able to see it from another perspective.
There are many ways to give yourself time.
Sometimes sleeping on the problem can be a good way to prepare to take that step. Things are always easier to attend to when you are well rested.
You can also put the problem aside and do something else. Maybe you decide to have a walk, go out with friends, meditate.
Find a Trusted Confidant to Share the Problem With
Another way of preparing to take that step is to discuss the problem with someone else who is prepared to listen and be your sounding board. The ideal person will listen and ask questions to allow you to explore your feelings around the problem and to test the various solutions you may consider or different perspectives you may have. You need someone who can be neutral and not push their solution on you.
This is where a counsellor can be very helpful. We are trained to listen and help you explore all options and your feelings around them.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your problem, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When I talk to people about all things having an energy, even inanimate objects, they often look at me as though I am weird. But do you know that Albert Einstein theorised this very thing? Quantum science has now proven Einstein’s theory by using sensitive instruments to measure the energy objects give off.
Nikola Tesla, who pioneered modern electrical systems spoke of the understanding of the Universe being unlocked by measuring energy, frequency and vibrations.
Energy Vibrations
Vibrations are best defined as being states of being. As the energy given off by something or someone. Vibrations exist because the atoms that are the building blocks of all things vibrate. Different types of atoms vibrate at different speeds. Even things like wood, rocks, the ground vibrate.
This is where the trendy term “vibes” comes from. The theory of all things vibrating at different frequencies.
Often that term is misused by people who don’t understand the true meaning of vibrations or the science behind them.
We Can All Sense Energy Vibrations
It is possible for animals and people to sense vibrations. We don’t consciously do it. Vibrations are part of non verbal communication. We can detect such communication without being aware we are doing it. Of course you can consciously choose to become aware of these sensations, but in reality you pick them up anyway.
You give off vibrations all the time. You can’t not do it.
I realised this many years ago when people always seemed to pick up on the days when I had a low mood, even though I deliberately suppressed it and didn’t tell others how I was feeling.
Energy Attracts Or Repels
In life those vibrations are what often attract or repel us to/from other people. It is why you may avoid a particular person when you are feeling down because you have sensed subconsciously that their negative energy will drag you down.
If you are feeling lacking in energy, or depressed, you are likely to give off lower frequency vibrations than at times when you are feeling upbeat, happy, full of energy. If you are angry the vibrations you give off will be different again.
Energy is A Vital Part of Intuition
If you pay attention to these deep seated messages, the ones that get bundled into the term “intuition”, you will become aware of the way some people attract you and others repel you.
Interestingly researchers have devised a scale for the energy levels of different emotions. The scale ranges from zero to 1,000. This is how various feelings have been ranked:
• 20 – shame
• 100 – fear
• 200 – courage, being willing to take responsibility for your own actions and feeling and also the first level of empowerment. Interesting to know that empowerment has an energy ranking!
• 500 – love
• 700 – enlightenment
Reiki, a form of energy healing, has been found to have the capacity to raise a person’s personal vibration. This also impacts on the Reiki practitioner which explains why not only my client but I also experience higher energy after I perform a Reiki healing on my client.
All Energy Levels Are Important To Experience
As with all things in life, it is important to experience the highs and the lows. Those lower energy experiences are not pleasant, but they are the place where we are able to learn, change and grow.
As part of mindfulness practice, I teach clients to pay attention to their energy levels. What am I feeling now? What is my energy? It is possible to develop awareness of your energy levels and even work at ways to improve your energy.
Once your energy starts to lift is keeps lifting. High energy attracts more energy, whereas low energy repels energy.
11 Ways To Raise Your Energy
There are 11 ways you can bring yourself out of a low energy state and into higher vibration energy.
1.Gratitude.
Making a conscious decision to see the things to be thankful for increases your energy vibrations. Remembering that at the energy vibration of 200 you are empowered, raising that energy level will lead to you feeling more powerful. Understanding that you have that control, that life is full of things to be thankful for, increases your wisdom as well.
2.Moving Your Body
Moving your body can also raise your energy vibrations. Conversely, sitting too long will drop them.
Have you ever noticed how you resist moving when you are feeling resentful and wanting to hold on to that feeling? Once you start moving through rhythmic movement it is hard to maintain that level of energy.
Dancing, especially to music is one of the most effective ways to move your body and raise those energy vibrations. You can dance at an exercise class or dance at home on your own. Research suggests that 10 minutes of moving to your favourite music will start shifting your energy vibrations upwards.
3.Eat Nutrient Dense Foods
Food has its own energy vibration. The more nutrient dense the food is, the better the energy vibration.
Have you ever noticed how weighed down you feel after indulging in a lot of junk food? Even alcohol can reduce your energy levels.
On the flip side, you may have noticed that when you eat well you feel so much lighter.
Food has a major impact on your energy vibrations.
4.Meditation
As I have already mentioned, Mindfulness meditation trains you to be aware of your body. You can better understand your own energy vibrations and be better able to address those issues that lower your energy.
5.Touch
There has been a lot of research over the past decade or so on the benefits of touch.
The finding that premature babies do better when they are touched has led to skin to skin contact with their parents becoming common practice. This has led to better outcomes and higher survival rates among these babies.
Research has also found the negative impact of the lack of touch for the elderly living in nursing homes or isolated at home.
Simply touching someone on the arm when they are distressed is comforting. If you have ever had someone do that to you then you will probably be aware of that comforting sensation. It is soothing, sends the message you are not alone and that someone cares. In fact researchers have found that touch can be a very effective pain relief.
Massage is a form of touch that is particularly powerful. It has been shown to rebalance hormones and reduce cortisol (stress hormone) levels.
Touch releases a powerful hormone often referred to as the love hormone. This hormone is oxytocin. It assists people to feel that sense of connection and safety. It also increases energy vibrations. Higher energy of course means you will feel better and happier.
6.Giving and Receiving
Withholding love, time or even making negative comments about others lowers your energy frequency. Conversely, being generous with your praise, love and time raises your energy. Making the effort to give to others generously increases what you receive as well. So everyone benefits.
7.Be with Positive People
When you spend time with friends who have a high energy it raises your energy as well. This is why it is sometimes better when you are feeling low to make the decision to go out and set the intention to enjoy yourself. That raises your energy so it doesn’t bring your friends down and their high energy raises yours. If the friends you are with understand your difficulties and want to support you then you can raise your energy higher.
8.Make the Decision to Open Your Heart.
Is there someone in your life, either now or in the past, who you loved so much that even thinking about them made you feel happy and lighter?
Did thinking about them make you feel better and that your mood lifted?
Love is one of the highest energy vibration states you can experience. When you love someone your energy is always raised and you feel on top of the world.
Loving yourself is also important. When you spend time caring for you and doing nice things for you that lifts your mood as well.
A great example of that is when you get a new outfit that you feel looks great on you. Or you get a new hairstyle and you are very happy with that. You walk out feeling on top of the world. This is self love.
9.Breathing
When life is stressful you tend to take shallow, quick breaths. This sends a message to your brain that you are in danger and increases cortisol levels in your body. The more you shallow breathe the higher the cortisol levels rise.
It is important to breathe slowly and deeply when you start to feel stressed. There are various ways you can deepen your breathing and slow it down.
• One is to breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4 and wait for 4 before taking the next breath.
• Another is to breathe in, paying attention to your tummy and chest as they rise. You may like to place a hand over your chest and another over your tummy and focus on feeling them rise as you slowly breathe in. If you are breathing properly you will feel them both rise. When you finish the in breath hold your breath for a few seconds. Then breathe out slowly through pursed lips. After a few breaths you can imagine you are breathing in peace as you breathe in and breathing out tension as you breathe out. It is a good idea to do this exercise until you feel calmer. A minimum of 10 breaths works best.
10.A Nice Warm Bath
If you like baths then you can try the old favourite of a lovely bath. Lock the door, dim the lights, light some candles and add some lovely bath oils to the water. You could even play some relaxing music.
Make sure the water is quite warm but not so hot it makes you sweat.
Water is a great energy lifter and many people find this practice relaxing and energising.
11.Be In Nature
Extensive research has shown the benefits of being in nature. Blood pressure lowers, cortisol levels lower and people feel more relaxed. Your energy levels also rise.
Even looking at pictures of nature is relaxing and energising, although no substitute for the real thing.
If you are not close to bushland then going to a park or the beach is effective.
Place your feet flat on the ground and pay attention to the feeling in the soles of your feet as you connect to the ground. Feel the energy of the earth as it enters your feet, then moves up your body. Don’t worry if you can’t feel it immediately, it can take time to learn to connect to energy.
Another thing you can do is hug or touch a tree. It is not a joke, you really can feel the energy of the tree by touching it.
Sitting listening to the sounds of the trees in the breeze, to birds, insects is calming. If you go to the beach you can stand bare foot at the ends of the water and allow the waves to gently touch your feet. Listen to the sound of the waves, the wind, and the birds.
All these things are really relaxing and energising.
If you have a garden, spending time out in the garden with your plants and the grass can also be energising.
I Practice What I Preach
I am often asked what I do to manage with the big stories and low energy of so many beautiful souls who come to see me.
Firstly I reply that it is a privilege to work with such strong survivors, battered as they are, they are determined to heal.
Second I reply that I have my own practices that keep my energy high so that I can share that energy with those who come to see me.
I do follow the 11 ways in my own life, here are some of the things I do:
• Gratitude. I have a daily practise of writing down 10 things I am grateful for at the end of each day. I also make not during the day of anything I think is wonderful and express gratitude for it. Examples of this are: a beautiful sunrise, watching the birds in my garden, seeing a dog smiling up at its owner as it is being walked, someone letting me out of the end of my street in heavy traffic, a child running around with delight and so many more. I make my entire day an opportunity to express gratitude. I also set the intention that I am not going to get annoyed by the things other people do. To counter annoyance I look for something good to say about that person. That quickly defuses any annoyance I may be feeling.
• Moving my body. I dance to music, walk through the bush, and never miss an opportunity to express my delight through movement.
• Eating nutrient dense food: I delight to eat as many wholefoods as I can, while avoiding foods high in sugar. I eat a lot of vegetables, which I love. I have learned to take the time to notice what I am eating and enjoy it, and by doing that needing less food. I love how good my body feels when I eat nutrient dense foods.
• Mindfulness and other meditation. I get up early every morning and start the day with meditation. Sometimes I listen to a guided meditation, sometimes I listen to music and focus on the music. Other times I focus on my breath. After I am finished I stretch my body then meditatively paint. As a Reiki practitioner I meditate on the 5 Reiki Principles to release my investment in staying hurt and angry, to release worry and be mindful of the present moment, to be grateful and appreciate all the wonders and blessings of life, to do my work diligently, even seemingly small insignificant tasks and to show compassion for all living things. This is a wonderful way to reset and to set the tone of the rest of the day.
• Touch. I love giving and receiving hugs. I hug my family, my dogs, my friends. I grew up in a family that never touched. Learning how to hug opened up my world in such a powerful way. I also schedule regular massages to help settle my nervous system.
• Giving and Receiving. I give compassion and acceptance to as many people as I can. When I encounter other people I choose to consider their needs and what is happening in their lives rather than find fault or take offense with what they do. When I am hurt by the things of life, or feeling overwhelmed I have a beautiful tribe of women I can turn to for support. I have learned to be very proactive in seeking help.
• Be with positive people. I have found in my life that being with the people I know who lift my energy is important. It helps that those people are such beautiful, caring people. I have also learned to not take on the negative energy of others. I also have made the decision to not have contact with people who are overwhelmingly negative and sap my energy. This is about honouring my needs and my self care.
• I choose to open my heart and risk having friendships with other people. I know that if I am burned in that relationship I will hurt and need time to feel that hurt and heal from it. But I am strong enough to survive. I will continue to risk hurt by opening myself to friendships.
• Breathing. As part of my meditative practice I focus on my breathing and on breathing deeply and slowly. Because I practice this it is easy for me to practice slowing and deepening my breathing when I am in a stressful situation.
• I do on occasion have a nice warm bath. It is a lovely way to destress.
• Be in nature. As often as I can I go out into nature. I hug trees, sit at their base, sit beside water as it runs past in creeks and cascades. I gaze at the sky, noting the clouds and the colours of the sky. I look for the moon and the different constellations of stars in the night sky. I listen for the sounds of the birds in the day and the flying foxes and owls at night. I love to walk amongst the trees and look up at their magnificence and delight in the wonder of them. Even if I can’t get out into the bush there are places near where I live where trees tower over the footpath and I can gaze up at them. It is not hard to incorporate the 11 ways to raise your energy into your life. Why not try it yourself?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to raise your energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
It is really hard to manage life when things happen that make you feel overwhelmed.
Maybe you are running late and encountering things that slow you down. You can feel the sensation of panic rising and feel anxious. You may even start to feel angry and feel like acting out that anger.
Maybe you are in a situation where your have someone else demanding answers from you. They may also be forceful in their conversation, or angry. Or it may just be they are being forceful in what they are saying and their expectation you give an answer now.
You may find yourself in a situation where you are being yelled at and you are feeling overwhelmed and frightened.
Or you may be in any number of situations where you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.
What Happens When You Are Overwhelmed
When you encounter a situation like one of the ones described above, your brain interprets it as a threat and your defence strategies kick in. Overwhelm is a form of fight or flight response.
You are in a situation where you feel you have to fight or flee.
When you are running late you may be feeling desperate to get to your destination on time. You have no control over the situation. If you did, you would not be running late. Everything that happens to slow you down is another thing that you have no control over. The situation feels unsafe and your brain takes you into a form of panic that is part of the fight/flight response.
When you feel you are being threatened by another person’s insistence you answer, that is an unsafe situation. You definitely want to run or fight that one. The feelings of overwhelm are enhanced by the feeling you are not safe and maybe have limited control over the situation.
It is the same with you feeling overwhelmed and frightened by someone yelling at you.
Other people may not perceive the situation as threatening. But you do and that is what your brain responds to.
It Is Okay To Feel Overwhelmed.
It is not wrong to feel threatened so be kind to yourself.
I am going to teach you a mindfulness exercise that, if practised regularly, can be helpful when used in a situation of overwhelm.
If you can get away somewhere to take a few moments to calm, then do. If not do this on the spot.
It is helpful of you practice this exercise every day so that you are able to use it to its maximum benefit when you are needing to calm yourself.
The Calming Exercise.
1. If you can go somewhere quiet, then do that. Otherwise just turn your thoughts into yourself. You need to feel safe and this is where practising this exercise daily can help you to feel safe even when in a stressful situation.
Tell yourself you are going to calm down now. This is known as setting an intention.
Take three deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. You can slightly open your lips and breathe out through your mouth without it being obvious.
Just allow the air to flow out without forcing it.
After three deep breaths breathe naturally.
Now focus on your face. As you breathe, feel your forehead relax, then your eyes, your jaw, the rest of your face. Imagine that as you breathe out you are breathing out tension in your face.
Now focus on releasing the tension in your neck, shoulders, chest and belly. Picture a beautiful, welcoming light pouring out of your heart. Imagine you are surrounded and protected by this light.
Say to yourself the following intentions:
a. May I be free from suffering
b. May I find peace and joy
Now picture someone you know but don’t get along very well with. Do not picture an abuser or bully who is really frightening. That is overwhelming. Just picture someone you don’t particularly get along with.
Consider that person has their own issues and like you wants to feel safe.
Say the following intentions for them:
a. May you be free from suffering
b. May you find peace and joy.
Now pay attention to your breathing, your body and your thoughts. Do you feel calmer now?
The purpose of this exercise is to deepen your breathing to reset your brain to calm down. Then you consciously release tension held in your body. After that you set intentions for you that are safe and calming. Then you look outside yourself to someone else and with them well. This helps to make the situation you are in more objective so that it feels more manageable and less stressful.
As I said earlier, practise this exercise every day so that it will be second nature when you really need it and will work much better to help you calm down.
Can I Help?
If you would like to learn more about how to calm down when overwhelmed and how to release the triggers that lead to your overwhelm, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
A big problem for many people I see is unprocessed emotional pain. A large volume of unprocessed emotional pain.
It is not surprising given the belief in our society that you should just push those “bad” feelings down and ignore them.
If you didn’t grow up in a family that supported you experiencing that pain and learning how to process it, then you will be unlikely to know how to process it.
Emotional Pain Is Not Bad
Some mental health approaches pathologise the experiencing of emotional pain. As a result they teach the suppression of emotional pain.
This belief and teaching fails to understand the roots of some pain. Unprocessed emotional pain that has been with you for a long time will continue to be with you until it is processed.
You will not be able to process emotional pain until you have developed the courage, strength and skills to stay with those overwhelming emotions until they are fully processed.
Emotional Pain As The Monster Under The Bed
A lot of people tell me they fear those emotions. I can understand that. A lot of these unprocessed emotions relate to childhood.
A child needs to be taught how to process emotions. If they aren’t taught then those frightening emotions are impossible to process. The child learns to fear those emotions because they seem insurmountable.
If you add to that difficulty a family that actively encourages the suppression of emotions, even punishes family members for feeling emotions, then that fear becomes terrifying and deep seated.
The Pain Body
In his book “A New Earth” Eckhart Tolle describes the ‘pain body’. This is the “energy of old but still very-much-alive emotion that lives in almost every human being.”
The pain of old traumas is often described as energy because of the way this pain crops up again and again. The pain is actually stress or trauma that has never been processed so remains in the body. When that stress or trauma was initially experienced the nervous system became dysregulated and the emotions felt at the time became trapped in the body. Things can trigger the memories around this stress or trauma and you are again feeling the old pain.
Not Feeling Into The Body
Unprocessed pain can cause you to fear emotions and their associated feelings. To avoid experiencing what is feared you stop feeling into your body at all. The body becomes a scary place where emotional monsters lurk.
If you can’t feel into your body, you can’t release the pain and you can’t feel safe and relaxed. In order to relax you need to be able to feel your inner body. That means you have to be prepared to feel the feelings there.
Actions Are Trapped In Your Body
Many somatic therapists talk about the actions trapped in our bodies.
Peter A Levine, the developer of Somatic Experiencing and author of many books including ‘Waking the Tiger’, speaks of the experience of animals chased by predators and escaping. After the animal has escaped the predator it shakes its body to release the energy still in the body that allowed it to escape. He likens it to our need to release that excess energy after a fight/flight event. This allows the energy to be released from our bodies.
Eckhart Tolle also talks about releasing energy from stress. He tells the story of two ducks getting into a fight. After they are finished they move away from each other and flap their wings several times. Then they continue on as though nothing has happened. The ducks are also releasing the excess energy.
The Problem Of Holding On To Experiences Instead Of Releasing Them
We humans tend to hold on to these experiences. Instead of the release actions of the animal that has escaped a predator or the duck that has just finished a fight, we hold on to the fight or the escape.
Humans create narratives of events and the escape and fight get woven into our narratives. If the opportunity to process the events and release them does not happen, the events are kept alive and ongoing by continuing to tell the story, even to ourselves.
Remembering Events But Releasing The Energy
We need to remember events. This is how our brain keeps us safe by remembering dangerous situations and alerting us to similarities in situations. The problem arises when we continue to think of the events as ongoing, instead of past events.
The way forward is to learn how to regulate emotions.
Learn not to fear experiencing the emotions. That you can do this and actually those monster emotions are not massive, overwhelming giants, but mild little critters that are quite manageable.
Once you learn how to regulate and that those emotions are not as scary as you thought they were, you can then learn to be kind to your body. You can learn to be present and have confidence in your strength and ability to process painful feelings and emotions.
You can also learn that difficult emotions can be temporarily destabilising. That they may need attention to work through them. But they can be worked through and you can emerge stronger in the knowledge that you have the skills to process your emotions.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you learn not to fear your emotions and to process them, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
So many people who have experienced trauma in life live with the sense of terrible brokenness.
There is the sense that “I am defective”. And so much in your life has told you that.
There is a terrible sense of shame that these things have been done to you.
The Untrue Messages That Dominate Your Life
But those messages and the other negative ones you received are not true. They are the words of the people who traumatised you. If they were dysfunctional enough to traumatise you, then they were too dysfunctional to give you accurate information about yourself.
For many of you, you may be aware of this but are unable to turn off the negative messages in your head.
People Rise Above Childhood Trauma Better Than You Think
Over my life I have read and heard so many people’s stories. Many of them speak of surviving trauma to arrive at the point in their lives where they could share their story.
One thing that emerges from the story is the way they survived.
Some people are fully aware they have achieved a lot and want to share that heartening news.
Do You See Your Strengths Or Your Failings?
Other people are not aware. They may come into my room feeling such a failure, when they have achieved amazing things to just get to my door.
Maybe you are one of those people who sees only the negative and defective and can’t see the truth, that despite the horrible things that have happened to you in life, you are an amazing and unique individual.
Maybe you think that seems insincere. You don’t want to be told by me that you are amazing and unique.
Looking At Your Trauma From A Different Perspective
But what if, instead of seeing the awful things that have happened in your life you saw instead how they have contributed to you being an amazing unique individual.
What if you could see the way you have survived as being a triumph and instead of seeing the defective you see the triumphant you.
The Reality Of You, Here, Now
The reality is you are still here and you are living your life. You might not live it as well as you want to. You might not feel totally in control of your reactions. Those are things you can work on. But the fact that you are here and functioning is testimony to the way you had strengths and abilities that allowed you to function despite the things that have happened to you in the past. And just maybe those things that happened have given you strengths and abilities other people don’t have.
What Might Those Abilities Be?
There is the obvious one about your brain developing more in some areas that often means you are better at reading non-verbal communication than others and are better at spotting danger.
But there are other areas too.
Maybe you are more understanding of others.
Maybe you are more compassionate.
Maybe you have a drive to seek justice for others.
Maybe you believe in honouring your word so that you are reliable and admired for that.
Maybe you have tenacity in difficult situations that allows you to keep going when others give up.
Maybe You Need Help To Heal And See Your Strengths And Abilities
Maybe you can see these things but then that belief in yourself is blown away by all the negative messages in your head.
Sometimes you need assistance to heal. You need assistance to see the real you.
This is where a trauma qualified counsellor can assist you.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your healing and identification of your amazing strengths, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Something you realise throughout life, often as you grow older, is that you are never “finished”. There will never be an end point to your growth and development. Right up to the moment of death you will continue to grow.
The fact of your unfinished state is often very obvious when you do something new. Then the gulf between your level of competence and the new thing you are doing is very obvious.
To Live Is To Grow
Life is about growth. It is about stepping out into the unknown. About stepping out into your level of incompetence and doing something new and different.
If you don’t grow, you stagnate. This concept is often discussed in regard to relationships. A relationship can never stay the same, it either grows or stagnates. In other words, it doesn’t grow. Stagnation precedes the death of the relationship.
It is the same with life. If you don’t progress in your life and grow you will stagnate. Stagnation is where many people find themselves. Maybe you are there right now. You feel stuck in the sameness of your life, you feel empty, depleted and maybe restless or hopeless.
The Importance of Restlessness
Restless is good. From restlessness comes the desire to change, to grow, to get out of the rut you find yourself in.
Restless allows courage to arise. Courage to make changes and start new beginnings.
Beginnings are full of possibilities and unknowns. They are uncertain and scary. And that is okay. Within you there is the ability to survive the unknown and find your way. There is the possibility to try something new, learn how to do it and survive the experience.
Change Happens On The Edge Of Uncertainty
Change only ever happens on the edge of uncertainty.
There has been much research into the importance of challenging yourself in order to change and move away from stagnation.
New relationships are scary, but you still work at them until they are less scary. And you keep working at them always. New things in life are like relationships. They are uncertain and scary but if you work at them they become less scary. They can even be exhilarating. You work at them until you reach the point of feeling less scared, maybe even comfortable.
Keep Going. Rest Yes, But Don’t Stop There
But don’t stop there. You can rest there for a while, but allow the restless within to lead you further forward. Remember. You never stay in the same place. You either grow and move forward and stop and stagnate..
Changes in life are scary, but you still make them – whether you want to our not – and you settle in to the changes. One day you find yourself comfortable with the changes that you formerly found terrifying.
Change Is Uncertain And That Is Okay
Change is uncertain. Uncertain is scary. For many people that level of uncertainty feels impossible to overcome. But it can be done.
Maybe you are dreaming of a new job, moving to a new area, a new career and the idea is overwhelming so you remain in the same place. You stay put and you are miserable but unable to see how to make the leap to a new change.
Sometimes Change Is Best Accomplished By Taking A Small Jump Instead Of A Massive Leap
Don’t make that leap, instead make a series of small adjustments.
Try doing one thing that breaks your usual routine. It may mean getting up earlier in the morning to have a walk on the beach. It may mean eating breakfast outside, instead of in the kitchen. It may mean catching the bus and train to work instead of driving.
These small breaks from your usual routine are something new. Just try doing something different. Even one different thing a week. If you eat the same menu night after night (because it is easier and you don’t have to think) switch around the meals so that you eat them on different nights. One night add a different meal.
These changes may seem insignificant. They may seem downright weird – especially the one about where you eat breakfast. But they change your routine. And changing your routine opens the way for bigger changes.
The First Step Is The Hardest In Every Journey Of Dreams
It is said that the first step is the hardest. This is from a quote by Moffat Machingura.
“The first step is the hardest in every journey of dreams. There is nothing else to fear unto whosoever has shown the tenacity to begin; because, once having started, the hardest part of the mission is the one lying behind.” ~ Moffat Machingura, Life Capsules
At The End of Your Life Your Greatest Regret Will Be The Risks You Didn’t Take.
Another wonderful quote that is worth noting is:
“Your greatest regret at the end of your life will be the lions you didn’t chase. you will look back longingly on risks not taken, opportunities not seized, and dreams not pursued. stop running away from what scares you most and start chasing the God-ordained opportunities that cross your path” ~ Mark Batterson.
Remember your greatest asset in change is courage.
You Grow Your Wings Once You Leap Off The Cliff Not Before
There is a beautiful quote by Ray Bradbury about jumping off the cliff and growing your wings on the way down. It is true. You don’t grow those wings until you need them. You don’t need them until you have launched yourself into uncertainty.
You can’t wait until everything is in place before you do something new. You will never be ready. That is why you should just start and allow the growth that will lead you to succeed.
I made the comment to someone recently about leaping off the cliff and finding my wings so that I could soar. They looked worried and asked me what about if my wings didn’t come. The answer? They will always come.
Life Is About Beginnings
You are part of a continuum of human life that has gone on for millennia. All life is about beginnings and within each life are countless beginnings.
Beginnings feel like lonely journeys into the unknown, the jump off the cliff without wings.
But the wings are always there. The outcome may not be what you imagined it would be, but there will be an outcome.
Let Go So That You Can Grow
It is only when you let go that growth can come. Your wings only arrive when you embrace uncertainty.
Maybe you will not find the outcome that you wanted. It may feel like failure. But it will be learning and from that place of learning you can move on into a new unknown. Each leap off the cliff into uncertainty strengthens and empowers you to grow.
Beginnings, those leaps off the cliff, are invitations to embrace the gifts and growth that wait once you soar with your new wings.
Endings Are Necessary For Beginnings To Happen
Sometimes you will spend time in preparation, not realising you are ending an old pattern of behaviour. You will prepare and leap off the cliff. Other times you will experience an ending and discover a beginning within it. That is your leap off the cliff.
Leaping off the cliff is not necessarily comfortable but it is most definitely survivable.
On the journey of your life you will experience many beginnings and endings. That is what life is about. You choose what you will begin and you choose what you will end. If you don’t choose, life will choose for you.
The Leap Into The Unknown Is Your Ally
As you leap off that cliff recognise that the leap into the unknown is your beloved ally. It is waiting to share with you the exhilaration and possibilities of the unknown.
Don’t get stuck. Be open and vulnerable. Don’t be afraid of the new and the different. Embravce the opportunities to grow.
Take a deep breath and launch yourself over that cliff. That is where life is.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to leap off that cliff, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
As an adult, you have an advantage in grieving. That advantage is your brain development.
All things being equal, by the time your brain is fully developed (around age 25) you have learned how to process grief. If you haven’t encountered grief before, hopefully you have learned to seek help in processing your grief.
Children’s Brains Struggle To Process Grief
For a child, the lack of brain development means that processing grief is very difficult.
For an undeveloped brain, comprehending death and the existential issues around it, is extremely difficult. Adults struggle with this. So children will struggle even more without the tools yet to be developed to help them.
Grief In Children Resurfaces At Each Developmental Stage.
The younger the child, the more undeveloped will be their ability to process their grief. It is now known that grief in children will resurface at different stages in their childhood and even into adult life.
It is important to be aware of these difficulties and be ready to support your child.
The developing brain is learning. That is how the brain develops. But without support, the brain cannot learn. The brain needs to learn how to process Grief.
Attending To The Trauma Of Grief
Grief is a trauma. It is dysregulating. A child experiencing grief will be thrown into a major fight/flight/freeze stress response. They will also lose their connection to others and feel very isolated and alone.
Many people think they just have to sit their child down and talk to them and that will help. But a dysregulated brain can’t learn or reason so talking to a child in this situation will not work.
The 3 Steps
There are 3 steps to reaching your child and helping them to learn how to process their grief.
The steps are as follows:
Step 1. Regulate
The first thing you need to do with your child is help them regulate their fight/flight/freeze response and become calmer.
One of the best ways to do this is to be as calm as you can. Research has shown that children cope well with traumatic events when their parents remain relatively calm and can maintain as much as possible regular routines. The main thing is that your child feels safe. They need to feel that you can still protect them. In a world that has just fallen apart with the loss of someone important, knowing you are still there is vital.
Do the best you can
Obviously, if you are grieving as well, it is going to be hard to regulate yourself. You are likely to be crying and finding it hard to focus.
This is the pain of parenting. There are times when you have to put your own needs aside to attend to the needs of your children. It is natural for you to do that, and it may be necessary. But don’t put off attending to your own needs for long. It is okay to be crying when you seek to regulate your child.
After all, your child needs to see you grieving to learn it is okay to be sad and cry, but life still goes on.
One of the best ways to regulate is to hold your child. That helps them to feel safe and also gives you a sense of safety as well.
Step 2. Relate
Holding your child is part of the next step as well.
You help your child to regulate, to feel safer and still cared for.
Now you help them by establishing a connection. Holding your child will help them feel connected to you. This will mean they feel less isolated and alone.
Being Attuned To Your Child
Relating also involved being attuned to your child and their needs. It means you will stop and seek to understand what your child is thinking and feeling. Depending on their age, this may involve (when appropriate) making a general statement such as:
“It is really sad and frightening that x has died.”
This would work best for a young child who may still be learning to understand their emotions. Acknowledging what you sense they are experiencing helps them to feel understood.
For an older child you may ask them what they are feeling. Or you may wonder if they are feeling sad because you are.
It is important to not hide your feelings and allow your child to see you are sad too but that your sadness won’t stop you caring for them.
Be Attuned For A Long Time
Remember that I earlier mentioned that grief in children takes longer and is revisited at each developmental stage.
It is important to keep that in mind. Even after the initial period of adjustment to death your child will continue to grieve.
Always make sure you seek to understand your child. This maintains a connection between the two of you and is also comforting for your child. An attuned parent is one who provides safety and security. Something all children need, but grieving children need it more.
Step 3. Reason
Once your child is regulated and secure in their relationship with you, you can then reason with them.
You can support your child to express their feelings should they want to. You can support your child according to their developmental stage to reflect, learn, remember, articulate and learn how to live with their loss.
How Do I Support My Child To Learn?
There are many aids you can use to help you support your child through their grief. These aids will help them to learn healthy ways of processing grief. This will serve them well now and in later life with other losses.
There are many age-appropriate books you can read to your child. Your local library is a good source of these. If you send your child to a counsellor many will have these resources as well. I have a range of books I use with younger children.
For teenagers, who are already exploring the more existential issues of life as part of their teen development, a more existential approach that emphasises philosophical discussions mixed with some helpful facts about grief and its impacts is really helpful.
Can I Help?
Sometimes you and/or your child/ren will need help from a grief trained counsellor. It can be very helpful to learn what is normal in grieving both for yourself and your child. If you need help, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
