Childhood Stress – PLC Blog

20 Examples of People Thinking They Had Normal Childhoods. Have You Suffered More Trauma Than You Realise In What You Thought Was A Normal Childhood?

An astonishing number of people don’t know they had traumatic childhoods. They just thought their childhoods were like everyone else’s.

When I was studying for my Counselling degree I took an elective on Family and Relationship Counselling. In some lectures we would have discussions about things we did with our families as children. I realised then how much other people did with their families and how little my family did. So much of what went on in my childhood involved my father’s meltdowns which involved emotional and physical abuse.

When I started seeing clients they would tell me about their issues and not understanding why they were the way they were. Eventually they would start talking about their childhoods and it was so obvious that their childhoods were not what is considered normal and just like me, they hadn’t realised their childhoods were not like other people’s.

I wonder if you had a “normal” childhood or had one that you didn’t realise was traumatising.

The following stories are ones I found on an online public forum. I have selected the ones that matched ones many of my client’s have told me.

Witnessing Someone Die

There is the story of the 16 year old on the way home from school. As they stood waiting to cross the road another teen ran out and was hit by a car. They ran to help and cradled the teen’s head in their lap. The teen opened their eyes and looked at this 16 year old. They observed their eyes change from a bright blue, to medium blue, to dull grey as they died.

The paramedics came and took the teen away. No one checked on the 16 year old. They went home and told their family. It was never talked about again.

Years later they saw something on the television that brought back the memory of that incident and they cried uncontrollably for some time.

They hadn’t realised what had happened to them was so unusual.

They had to seek counselling to processing the trauma.

My Grandmother

The 16 year old’s story reminded me of when I was 12 and my grandmother had a cardiac arrest. I tried to resuscitate her but she died. No one ever talked about it.

I felt so guilty, believing I had stuffed up and she would have been alive if I had resuscitated her properly.

I wasn’t until over 20 years later when I tried to resuscitate a patient who choked to death and observed her colour go from healthy pink through deep red, purple, blue and finally wax white that memories of resuscitating my grandmother came back. It really shook me and I struggled to process those memories. After many years I saw a counsellor and was able to process them.

Sexual Abuse

Another person told the story of how their grandparents would kiss them and their siblings on their genitals to “show how much they loved them. Their parents treated it as normal. They even did this to their younger cousins because they believed it was a demonstration of love.

When they grew older they realised this was not normal and were horrified.

Education like the Bravehearts program is really important to teach children what is not okay. Without that information this person had no idea.

The Young Soldier

Another person signed up to the military. When they went off to basic training they were astonished that others cried and missed their family. This young recruit thoughts had turned to how nice it was to have no one hit them and to not be so overburdened with work they were expected to do. They had no idea it wasn’t normal to be hit and worked hard.

Being Shown Affection and Provided with Food

A woman was surprised when her husband’s mother made food for him and gave him hugs. She had no idea people did that. It certainly never happened in her family.

Abusive Behaviour

One person reported their father taught them to swim by pushing them in the deep end of a pool and walking away. Fortunately their cousin saw what happened and rescued them.

The Take Off Your Clothes Teacher.

There are three I have selected for this.

One was from a woman who as a young child (5-10) had swimming lessons at a local pool. The children arrived after school in their uniforms and were taken into a room to change. They had to stand in a circle and completely undress before putting on their swimmers. A male staff member would always watch them. He wasn’t one of the teachers. He was only there when they were changing.

The woman realised later how odd that was.

Girls of 14-15 in class with one teacher had to take off their tops to prove they didn’t have “spaghetti tops” on underneath.

When I was in Primary School – 10-12 – there was a male teacher who would make the girls take off their sports tops and run around in their sport bloomers (we had to wear them under our tops) in sport. He claimed it helped them to run more freely. He was never my teacher but I remember watching once while girls a few years younger then me were in the playing field on the main road and forced to take their tops off. It was so humiliating for those who didn’t have a singlet on underneath, but even those were humiliated by having to show their singlets (this was the early 1970s when you didn’t do that sort of thing). I often wonder what sort of excitement that gave him.

Neglect

One person reported learning about their mother leaving them in their cot to go out and have a good time. She would leave the person alone and they remember crying and waiting for her to come home. She claimed she was always terrified they would be caught in a fire or die while she was out. But it didn’t stop her going out.

The Uncaring Parent

Another person talked about their mother never offering support or nurturance when they hurt themselves, sometimes very badly. They didn’t realise until they were seeing a counsellor that the mother’s behaviour was abnormal.

The Abusive Relative

There were many reports of uncles who would play strange tickle games and the adults would just ignore it and allow it to happen.

Another was of a young girl whose grandfather would sit close to her and touch her in the presence of the rest of the family. When she complained she was told to just go sit somewhere else.

Others reported neighbours who would bribe them to allow him to touch them sexually.

The Addict Parent

Many reported having to deal with parents who were high or severely drunk.

One reported having to drive their father home at the age of 8 because the father was too drunk to drive.

Another reported how their drunk father would become violent and would chase them around with knives and other objects to hit or throw at them. On one occasion the father went on such a long and noisy rampage that the police were called and had to taser the father to stop him.

Another reported their grandmother trying to inject them with heroin when they were a small child.

Not Being Given Food

One person talked about how their parents split up and the mother was so caught up in trying to cope and work that she never supplied food for her children. This person had to learn to cook food for their younger siblings and themselves. The mother didn’t even notice she had stopped cooking for her children.

More Sexual Abuse

One woman reported her mother making her shower with her mother’s boyfriends from the age of 8 into her teens. She didn’t realise until she was in her 20s that this was not normal.

Parental Kidnapping

Many told of being kidnapped by their father and the lengthy process their mother had to go through to get them back. Many were taught to think badly of their mother.

One person and their mother had to go into hiding to avoid the father trying to kidnap them again. That was their childhood. Moving constantly. No photos to be taken. No seeing family in case he followed them.

Violence

One person spoke about living in an isolated rural area and their family and another spoke of their family getting into a gun fight while they hid in fear. That was normal for them growing up.

Another spoke about their parents getting them to play a game of staying on the floor the longest. They didn’t realise until much later it was because gun fights had broken out in their neighbourhood.

Cleanliness.

One just commented that they thought only rich people had clean houses because their house was filthy.

Excessive Discipline

Then there was the person who was beaten up when they didn’t get A grades.

Mental Illness in the Family

Many reported the erratic and disturbing behaviour of mentally ill family members.

One lost track of the number of times they came home from school and had to call an ambulance because their mother had made yet another suicide attempt. Another reported not realising how unusual it was for the police to be constantly called to an out of control mentally ill family member. It wasn’t until they
visited friends houses and notice the calm there that they realised their family was so unusual.

Physical abuse

Another said they thought everyone was beaten up by their babysitters.

More Sexual Abuse

One woman said she didn’t know girls weren’t supposed to have internal exams done by their doctor “as a matter of course”. She was constantly examined by her doctor. She thought she had to grin and bear it because it was part of female health care. She was in her adult years before she discovered this was abuse and definitely not normal.

Lack of Affection

One person reported being given no affection as a child. There were no mementos or memorabilia of them kept either. It was only when friends started getting out childhood photos, baby books, memorabilia, hand and foot prints that they realised none of that had been kept for them.

Another woman related how she and her husband attended a reunion of his family. She loved hearing the stories family members told of their childhood and was surprised to realise that none of her childhood memories involved adults. Her memories were of caring for her siblings and being sent on long plane trips on her own without assistance from the age of 9. She also remembered cooking 1 minute noodles for herself and her siblings for meals. Her main memory of adults was of her father being away driving trucks all the time and her mother passing out from too much alcohol.

Waking Up To The Knowledge of Abuse

Each of these stories has a parallel in someone who has come to me to explore their pain. In most cases they had no idea their childhood was so unusual. That the cause of their pain was childhood trauma. For those who were aware, that awareness had come much later in life and drew them to seek help.

Despite what others may tell you, research has shown that it is not possible to heal from trauma without counselling assistance. You can do things that seem to help but involve burying the trauma. Your body will never let you just bury it. It will cry out in either emotional or physical pain to be healed.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your childhood trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Chronic Stress and Trauma in Childhood Impacts You In Adulthood

Research has proven that trauma experienced in childhood impacts on a person’s psychological and emotional well being throughout life. In other words, it impacts their mental health throughout life.

The things that children experience influence the development of the brain and therefore have an influence on behavioural and psychological development.

Chronic Stress is Trauma

Chronic or severe stress, often described as trauma, has a long term effect on the child’s development.

Children exposed to that stress often have low self-esteem, are vulnerable to anxiety and depression, and are more likely to abuse substances and become addicted to them. These substances include cigarettes, alcohol and drugs. The addictions are coping mechanisms that make the addict feel better for a while. Unfortunately over time those substances need to be taken in increasing quantities to impact and the “solution” they offer is only temporary.

Difficulties In Adolescence and Adulthood Caused By Chronic Stress

Self-harm, suicidal ideation, and suicide are common responses to childhood trauma and the difficulty of coping with the stressors in adult life. There are also psychiatric conditions that have been demonstrated to have childhood trauma as their origin.

Trauma and Chronic Stress Requires Skilled Therapy To Heal

Healing from trauma is not something a pill can fix. It requires skilled therapy.

The best approach is to intervene in childhood to heal the harm caused by childhood trauma. This includes the impacts of bullying on children.

Bullying And The Difficulty For Adults In Handling Bullies

Sadly, many adults do not know how to handle bullies. Many adults adopt the strategies they employed in childhood to manage bullying of children. They try to pretend it isn’t happening and are too frightened to get involved. This results in children not being supported when they need support.

As a result, early and easy to stop bullying behaviours are allowed to fester and grow and increase the damage caused to the victims. Bullies do not stop these behaviours because they grow up. Many childhood bullies, having learned this behaviour meets their need, continue to use bullying behaviours in adult life.

Education Is A Major Stressor

Other stressors in childhood include education. Many children find the constant pressure to perform at school and complete homework tasks is overwhelming. This stress increases throughout childhood and impacts the child’s developing brain and coping skills in adult life.

Self Organisation Impacts

For children who experience chronic stress there are also difficulties in self organisation. This impacts on the children as they proceed into high school and increases stress and its impacts.

Difficulty In Peer Relationships

Children exposed to chronic stress often find it hard to have relationships with their peers. This is particularly so when bullying at school occurs.

The Importance of Early Intervention

It is recognised that children need their difficulties identified as soon as possible and trauma focused therapies used to help them. Therapy in childhood and adolescence is more effective than in adulthood. That said, adults can still be helped if they get the correct trauma therapy.

If you or young people in your life need support then a trauma trained counsellor is the best place to go for psychological and emotional help.
Sub heading Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your child with the impacts of Childhood trauma and chronic stress, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Why Experiencing Trauma In Childhood Doesn’t Mean You Are Doomed To Be Mentally Ill

Trauma in childhood can be very disruptive and cause many difficulties for you in adult life.

But

Experiencing childhood trauma does not necessarily result in mental illness in later childhood and adulthood.

What is trauma know to be associated with?

The Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study in New Zealand tracked a cohort of children born in 1972 to 1973.

One of this study’s findings was that a form of a gene associated with serotonin transport in the brain appeared to increase an individual’s likelihood of experiencing depression when exposed to trauma.

This has supported the theory that our DNA, that way that DNA is expressed in the body, and our environment can impact on our mental health.

This would also help explain why some people exposed to trauma develop serious mental health problems whereas others manage well in life.

What Is Known?

Research has drawn strong links between trauma and addiction. This is in the way you manage difficulties in life.

Some people are able to “roll with the punches” and can regulate relatively quickly after a distressing event.

Others find it harder and may draw on outside actions, such as drinking alcohol or smoking, to regulate their emotions.

Many people report partaking of the addiction helps them to feel calm, or forget the terrifying experience, or feel less anxious and panicky.

Difficulties With Connecting To Others

What is also known is that experiences in your childhood impact on how you see the world and how you relate to other people.

If your early experiences were supporting and nurturing, you are more likely to see the world as a friendly and helpful place. You will also likely see others as trustworthy and safe to connect with.

But if your early experiences with others were abusive, unhelpful, and/or frightening you are more likely to see the world as unfriendly and not safe. You will also be more wary of others and may be more likely to perceive their behaviour as threatening than those who see others as trustworthy.

The person with positive experiences in childhood is more likely to readily feel comfortable with others while those with negative experiences are more likely to be wary of trusting others.

Brain Changes

What is known is that the brain of those exposed to trauma in childhood develops differently to those not exposed to trauma.

For example, areas of the brain responsible for observing non verbal communication are more developed in traumatised individuals. This is thought to give the child the advantage of being able to detect danger and act on it faster than for those with normal brain development.

In other words these changes increase the child’s chances of survival.

Other areas of the brain have been found to be smaller than for those not exposed to trauma. Some of those areas relate to the perception of “novelty”. In other words the ability to manage unexpected situations and strangers.

When To Seek Help

If you experienced trauma in childhood and are managing life well, then at this point in time you are unlikely to need help.

If you find that there are difficulties around things upsetting you, or difficulty calming down after a difficult event. If you find you feel overwhelmed often, your social life is difficult, others report behaviours they think are a problem, or you think there is a problem (even if you can’t quite put your finger on it).

If you find yourself putting up with bad behaviour from others, or you are a people pleaser, or you have trouble setting boundaries or saying no.

Then it is best to consult a counsellor.

There are occasions in life when everyone can get help from a counsellor, even if just for one or two sessions.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your difficulties in life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Experience Of Children Who Lose Their Homes Traumatically

For many years it has been recognised that children cope better with traumatic situations if their parents are able to manage well with the situation and are able to maintain a reasonably stable environment for them.

This is why after disasters there is a push for all people, but especially children, to get back to a routine as soon as possible.

We Are All At Risk When Our Routines Are Disrupted

It is easy when we are safe in our homes with access to food, water, shelter, medical care and support networks to be unaware of the impact of losing all that.

But when you have to leave your home, or it is destroyed, all that changes.

Health, both physical and mental, breaks down very quickly when you no longer are able to protect yourself from the impacts of weather, when you cannot find food or have no water.

Children Are More Vulnerable

For the child in this situation there is more vulnerability.

It is very common for families to become separated, and to face life threatening conditions in these situations.

Even after the child is able to find alternative housing, the mental health impacts continue.

Sub heading What Does This Have To Do With Me?

It is important that you, as a member of the Australian community, are aware of the needs of others in the community.

Untreated trauma impacts on the entire community.

• It impacts on the growing child’s ability to live a productive life.

• It impacts on their behaviour and can lead to anti social behaviour.

All Children Can Be Impacted by Trauma

Children impacted by Domestic Violence, especially those who have to flee dangerous situations and have to remain on high alert as the Justice and Family Law systems fail to protect them adequately from a dangerous family member, are exposed to serious trauma.

Children impacted by large scale natural disasters such as bushfires, cyclones and flooding are also exposed to a level of trauma.

What Trauma Challenges Do Children Face?

• Loss and separation: Children lose their homes, the safe framework of their lives initially. They can be exposed to violence, abuse, exploitation, loss of family members, loss of friends, loss of familiar faces, loss of community.

• Uncertainty and instability: The familiar structure of their home and community is lost. Everything familiar has been disrupted or is gone. Prior to this the child has been able to feel secure in the reliability of routines and activities. Things they may have been able to do before, such as explore their world and play in the park or with friends, are no longer possible to do.
Boundaries and routines give children security and a feeling of safety. When they are disrupted, children don’t feel safe. In these situations parents remaining calm can help children feel safer. Things may not be the same but parents are still a reassuring presence that the child feels can keep them safe.

• Financial and Social Coping: Families who have had to leave their homes often struggle financially. It is hard for parents to meet the needs of the family. This leads to Parents struggling with self-regulation in very stressful situations.

Children often feel they must share responsibility for supporting the family. Parents who struggle may not realise this is happening. Children who feel responsible in this way can become overwhelmed and feel very disempowered.

Short Term Effects of Trauma on Children

Intense anxiety, sadness, difficulty sleeping and disorientation is most commonly experienced by children in these situations.

Starting at a new school is difficult.

When the children have to move frequently, as can be the case with Domestic Violence, there is the stress of having to start new schools frequently. Academically it can be hard to keep up with the year group. This can lead to diminished self worth.

Long Term Effects of Trauma on Children

Intense anxiety can over time give way to chronic anxiety. Depression is also likely. Trust and attachment are major casualties of this type of trauma and children can continue to struggle with this.

Forming a stable identity is impacted by repeated moves.

Children will often feel they don’t belong anywhere and feel different and alienated from those around them.

What Can The Family Do To Support Children and Each Other?

A healthy family structure with at least one safe adult is a vital asset for traumatised children.

• Stability and routine: Family is part of the safe structure of a child’s life. Good family routines create a safer, more predictable environment. Children feel more secure and safe.

• Emotional support: Healthy families support each other. Children know where they can go to for support and reassurance.

• Modelling Coping Strategies: As mentioned earlier, when parents are able to model good coping strategies and provide a sense of routine, children feel safer. They also learn healthy ways to cope with difficult situations.

Helping Your Child

Get mental health help early. For you and your child.

Be aware of the long term effects of trauma. There will likely be a need to seek mental health help later as well.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you and your children to process the trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How to Learn Not To Fear Emotions

A big problem for many people I see is unprocessed emotional pain. A large volume of unprocessed emotional pain.

It is not surprising given the belief in our society that you should just push those “bad” feelings down and ignore them.

If you didn’t grow up in a family that supported you experiencing that pain and learning how to process it, then you will be unlikely to know how to process it.

Emotional Pain Is Not Bad

Some mental health approaches pathologise the experiencing of emotional pain. As a result they teach the suppression of emotional pain.

This belief and teaching fails to understand the roots of some pain. Unprocessed emotional pain that has been with you for a long time will continue to be with you until it is processed.

You will not be able to process emotional pain until you have developed the courage, strength and skills to stay with those overwhelming emotions until they are fully processed.

Emotional Pain As The Monster Under The Bed

A lot of people tell me they fear those emotions. I can understand that. A lot of these unprocessed emotions relate to childhood.

A child needs to be taught how to process emotions. If they aren’t taught then those frightening emotions are impossible to process. The child learns to fear those emotions because they seem insurmountable.

If you add to that difficulty a family that actively encourages the suppression of emotions, even punishes family members for feeling emotions, then that fear becomes terrifying and deep seated.

The Pain Body

In his book “A New Earth” Eckhart Tolle describes the ‘pain body’. This is the “energy of old but still very-much-alive emotion that lives in almost every human being.”

The pain of old traumas is often described as energy because of the way this pain crops up again and again. The pain is actually stress or trauma that has never been processed so remains in the body. When that stress or trauma was initially experienced the nervous system became dysregulated and the emotions felt at the time became trapped in the body. Things can trigger the memories around this stress or trauma and you are again feeling the old pain.

Not Feeling Into The Body

Unprocessed pain can cause you to fear emotions and their associated feelings. To avoid experiencing what is feared you stop feeling into your body at all. The body becomes a scary place where emotional monsters lurk.

If you can’t feel into your body, you can’t release the pain and you can’t feel safe and relaxed. In order to relax you need to be able to feel your inner body. That means you have to be prepared to feel the feelings there.

Actions Are Trapped In Your Body

Many somatic therapists talk about the actions trapped in our bodies.

Peter A Levine, the developer of Somatic Experiencing and author of many books including ‘Waking the Tiger’, speaks of the experience of animals chased by predators and escaping. After the animal has escaped the predator it shakes its body to release the energy still in the body that allowed it to escape. He likens it to our need to release that excess energy after a fight/flight event. This allows the energy to be released from our bodies.

Eckhart Tolle also talks about releasing energy from stress. He tells the story of two ducks getting into a fight. After they are finished they move away from each other and flap their wings several times. Then they continue on as though nothing has happened. The ducks are also releasing the excess energy.

The Problem Of Holding On To Experiences Instead Of Releasing Them

We humans tend to hold on to these experiences. Instead of the release actions of the animal that has escaped a predator or the duck that has just finished a fight, we hold on to the fight or the escape.

Humans create narratives of events and the escape and fight get woven into our narratives. If the opportunity to process the events and release them does not happen, the events are kept alive and ongoing by continuing to tell the story, even to ourselves.

Remembering Events But Releasing The Energy

We need to remember events. This is how our brain keeps us safe by remembering dangerous situations and alerting us to similarities in situations. The problem arises when we continue to think of the events as ongoing, instead of past events.

The way forward is to learn how to regulate emotions.

Learn not to fear experiencing the emotions. That you can do this and actually those monster emotions are not massive, overwhelming giants, but mild little critters that are quite manageable.

Once you learn how to regulate and that those emotions are not as scary as you thought they were, you can then learn to be kind to your body. You can learn to be present and have confidence in your strength and ability to process painful feelings and emotions.

You can also learn that difficult emotions can be temporarily destabilising. That they may need attention to work through them. But they can be worked through and you can emerge stronger in the knowledge that you have the skills to process your emotions.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you learn not to fear your emotions and to process them, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Real Impact of Trauma

“It is one thing to process memories of trauma, but it is an entirely different matter to confront the inner void – the holes in the soul that result from not having been wanted, not having been seen, and not having been allowed to speak the truth. If your parents’ faces never lit up when they looked at you, it’s hard to know what it feels like to be loved and cherished. If you come from an incomprehensible world filled with secrecy and fear, its almost impossible to find the words to express what you have endured. If you grew up unwanted and ignored, it is a major challenge to develop a visceral sense of agency and self worth.” ~ Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps The Score

This quote from the book The Body Keeps The Score, by Bessel van der Kolk has always hit home for me.

It is such a powerful summary of the impact of abuse, neglect, lack of attunement, poor attachment, emotionally unavailable parents, narcissistic parents and more that include the range of wounds that comprise childhood trauma.

It is horrible to not be wanted. It is devastating to not be seen. The wounds left by never been greeted by your parents with love and lit up faces are immense.
When all those things happen the child feels like they don’t exist. They feel unsafe. The feel they have to fight for their survival. They learn to people please and fawn to be given the tiny bit of attention needed to survive. They do things that make them feel ashamed and cripple them in adulthood with shame. They learn to feel like a nothing. To have no way to express their fear, sorrow, anger and more.

My Own Experience

I understand this because that was my childhood. I was never wanted and was told that often. I was deliberately ignored. There were never any proud parents watching my achievements as a child. There were never words of congratulation around the dinner table at night.

I never knew what it was like to be greeted by someone whose face lit up when they saw me, that is until I met my husband. The things my parents did to me were never discussed.

In adulthood when I tried to discuss them with my parents and my siblings there was a wall of silence. My mother constructed a narrative to dismiss my recollections as me being neurotic, or over exaggerating, or making a mountain out of a tiny molehill.

I have had to fight very hard to heal from that. To learn that I am worthy, that I do have a sense of agency, that I matter. I have learned to feel safe, to learn to trust others, to fearlessly speak my truth.

Because I have done that, I know you can too. It is scary. It is hard to trust. Progress can seem so agonisingly slow. But you will get there. You can heal.

As well as my own lived experience, I have studied extensively the latest research on trauma and the best practice approaches to heal trauma. I have helped countless people heal from their trauma, and I can help you too.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your childhood pain and trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

I didn’t think I had an abusive childhood, but now I realise I did

Do you need other people to validate the things you do?

Do you need the approval of others?

Do you find it hard making decisions for yourself?

Do you find it hard feeling self-reliant?

Do you find it hard to regulate your emotions?

Are you really hard on yourself?

Do you feel you have little or no worth?

Do you do things to numb your emotional pain?

Are you frightened of rejection and abandonment?

Do you feel you are stuck in angry mode?

Do you find it hard to feel joy or peace?

Do you find it hard to get close to other people?

Do you feel lonely and seek out others to compensate for your loneliness?

Do you feel lost, misunderstood or that you don’t fit in and others are judging you for that?

Do you frequently feel anxious or depressed?

Are you frightened of social situations and fear being rejected.

Do you feel others judge you as not being good enough?

Do you feel empowered in your life?

How childhood experiences can impact you as an adult

Did you know that trauma in childhood has a significant impact on your self-worth?

If your sense of safety and belonging in childhood was damaged you are likely to have developed skills to keep you safe in that situation. As you grew up you may never have unlearned those skills, so they trap you in patterns that don’t serve you in adulthood.

Also, poor attachment between your parents and you puts you at risk of suffering from loneliness in adulthood.

Traumatic experiences in your childhood disrupt how you see your self as a person and affect your ability to regulate your emotions. All this impacts on the quality of the interpersonal relationships you have later in life.

My parents didn’t physically or sexually abuse me. I can’t have suffered trauma.

It can be hard to understand you have been traumatised in childhood. The usual picture of trauma is that of being hit or sexually abused. But trauma covers much more than just that. In fact, the worst traumas are emotional and psychological.

Neglect

Neglect is a trauma that is often overlooked. With neglect the child’s physical and emotional needs are frequently overlooked. It may involve not receiving regular meals, not having clean clothes to wear, not having your emotional needs for comfort and support met. A parent who rarely interacts or shows an interest in you is also neglectful.

Neglectful parents are also unlikely to be there to teach you skills of emotional regulation. They may not teach you how to wash yourself, how often to change your clothes.

It is unlikely a neglectful parent will see you and spend time connecting to you. This is known as attunement. A child who is not seen is a child who is not safe. Not being safe is extremely traumatic.

The clear message in this situation is that you have no worth or value. After all, you are not worth having any time or attention given to you.

Narcissistic Parent

Narcissistic parents are also very destructive of a child’s sense of self-worth.

Such a parent depends on the child to make them feel good. The child gets positive attention when they do things that serve the parent. The trouble is, there are no clear guidelines as to what the child needs to do to serve the parent. Consequently, the child lives life second guessing the parent in order to feel that the parent will care for them and they will be safe.

Narcissistic parents will also often shame their children in front of others. They will expect their child to meet their needs, to do things to make them proud. They will never teach their child any skills that will equip them for adulthood and self-reliance.

Narcissistic parents will often hold the child close to serve their needs. They want the child to stay dependent on them because the child is there to serve their needs and that is why they had them.

One classic example is of a woman who would take her child to school. The child would happily run into the classroom and greet her friends. The mother would call her back and make a fuss of her, stating it was okay for mummy to leave now and she would be okay. The child would go back to her friends and be happily talking with them. Again, the mother would call her back. This would continue until the child’s resolve was broken and she would wail and beg her mother not to leave her.

A narcissistic parent is one of the most destructive types of parent and sentence their children to mental poor health and a dependence on validation from others in adulthood.

Complex PTSD and Borderline personality disorder

These conditions develop because of chronic trauma experienced in childhood. The type of trauma most associated with these conditions is emotional abuse and invalidation. It can happen if you are neglected or have a narcissistic parent. It can also happen from other types of abuse and invalidation.

Sometimes parents are not aware that their behaviour towards their children is invalidating and can be surprised when their child develops this disorder in adulthood.

When a parent is emotionally abusive or invalidating during a child’s early years it impacts on the child’s sense of self and the child can struggle to have a strong sense of self.

You may develop self-defeating attitudes and beliefs around yourself and the trustworthiness of the world.

When raised in such an environment it is also difficult to learn to regulate your emotions. This is often due to your parents being unable to regulate their emotions. How can you teach another person how to regulate their emotions if you can’t do it yourself.

For this reason, I encourage people who had difficult childhoods to seek counselling from a trauma trained professional before having children. Many parents who were emotionally abused as children are determined their own children will never have to go through that. But sometimes things your children do can trigger reactions in you that you can’t control and don’t like doing. If you find raising your children triggers behaviours you struggle to control then seek counselling. Seeking help makes you a good parent.

Unstable and intense relationships

If you find that any type of relationship you have with others tends to be intense and over time unstable then you may be experiencing the impacts of chronic trauma in childhood. Sometimes these relationships happen because you are uncomfortable being alone and seek out anyone who looks willing to be in a relationship with you. This can result in you unconsciously choosing the wrong type of person to have a relationship with.

Sometimes when you are in a relationship you can sabotage it by clinging to the person and unwittingly pushing them away.

I think you are the best, I hate you patterns

Another impact of childhood trauma can be seen in meeting someone new and idealising them. This continues for some time then you start devaluing them and finding things wrong with them.

You are too hard on yourself

One of the saddest impacts of childhood trauma is the lack of self-worth and lack of self-compassion.

It is not surprising that children develop these beliefs. When a parent is abusive, or expects you to jump over hoops to gain their approval, the natural response is to believe this is because you are a bad person. If your parent constantly tells you that you are bad then this belief is reinforced.

The reality is that a child is just a child learning how to live life. There is no inherent badness in a child. Sadly a child doesn’t know that. Shame becomes a big part of the life of an abused child.

Ways to dull the pain

If you never learned how to regulate your emotions, and you believe you are a bad person, then you feel great pain that you don’t know how to soothe.

Many people turn to behaviours that numb the pain. These behaviours may be dangerous. A good example of this is children who steal cars then drive them dangerously at high speed. The risk and dangers inherent in this activity help to suppress their pain.

Other things people do include addictions such as substance abuse, smoking or vaping, gambling, compulsive shopping, sex addiction, exercise addiction and eating disorders.

I am lonely

If you don’t feel you are worth anything then you may not feel you are likeable. The result is that you may avoid getting close to others so that they can’t reject you.

Getting close to another person means exposing yourself to the rejection of your parents. If they rejected you, then other people will too.

When you do form relationships with others you may be frightened of expressing your needs or asking for help because your parents failed to meet those needs when you were a child. So you may feel even lonelier because you can’t turn to someone for help.

Many people who suffered trauma in childhood report feeling lonely.

Depression and Anxiety

It is very common for someone traumatised as a child to be anxious. Your childhood was an anxious time of never being sure when you would receive support, or whether you may be abused. Abusers are rarely predictable so hypervigilance was an essential part of childhood.

Hypervigilance leads to anxiety. There is the need to be constantly on your guard because you never know what is going to happen in the next minute. You never know when things will suddenly become dangerous and frightening.

When you grow up and things become safer the fear doesn’t go away because your brain has developed neural pathways that constantly scan for danger. This is why anxiety is a constant companion of the traumatised child.

Depression is another consequence of this type of childhood. Many people report feeling depressed from childhood. The sense of not being good enough, the lack of self-worth, being emotionally worn down with anxiety and fear, the rejection and abandonment of parents and the sense of never being safe all contribute to feeling overwhelmed and hopeless and lead into depression.

I constantly feel on edge

The environment of neglect and emotional abuse is a highly stressful environment. Children in this situation are being impacted regularly by the release of stress hormones in the body. This has an impact on the developing brain and will often result in an adult who is highly sensitive to stress hormones.

The result is that your brain is in a constant state of defending yourself. In other words the fight/flight/freeze response.

It is very difficult to cope with life if your brain is constantly seeing danger and you spend a lot of time with your brain taking over your life and deciding whether you are to fight, run away, or freeze.

When this defence mechanism takes over, your thinking brain switches off. You can’t control your reactions. Sadly, very few people understand this and you may find yourself judged when you get stuck in this defence response.

It is for this reason that it is important to seek counselling from a qualified trauma counsellor.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your childhood trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Cry For Help

Have you met someone who is constantly telling you their horror story of a traumatic past?

Maybe you do this yourself?

Many people will tell me they retell the story because they can’t let go of it.

I totally get that. I have told and retold my own trauma stories often.

I thought it was to have someone witness my story.

And to a certain extent that was correct. I did want my story witnessed. Just as many people who come to see me want their story witnessed.

I hear you, I believe you.

You want someone to say I hear you.

You want someone to say what was done to you was horrible. A child shouldn’t have been treated that way.

You want to hear the horrified reaction of your listener as they hear your horrible story.

It is important to be heard, believed, and have the extent of your trauma acknowledged.

But there is something more that prompts you to tell the story over and over.

I need help

It is the wounded child seeking help. When that story happened to you as a child, no one came to your assistance. You needed help. Desperately. And no help came.

The next time you feel the need to tell your story, ask yourself. Am I seeking help?

If the answer is yes, then you are the adult who can help your wounded child.

You may not feel able to help your wounded child, and that is where counselling from a trauma professional can be helpful.

And if it is someone you care about who needs help for their wounded child, don’t dismiss them. Listen, ask if their wounded child needs help, and encourage them to see a counsellor.

Can I help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your wounded child, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Why Children and Adolescents Need Counselling After Divorce: Understanding the Importance of Emotional Support in the Face of Family Breakdown

Recently, an inquest opened into the death of an adolescent girl who had killed herself after a long battle with anxiety and depression. This tragedy plays itself out throughout the world every day. In his opening statement, the father of the girl spoke to the court because he felt it was important the court understood that his daughter’s mental health issues stemmed from the breakup of her parents when she was 6. He identified the split as being severely traumatising. This breakup of the girl’s parents had such far-reaching consequences, that its impact was still experienced by her 9 years later.

In this blog I will be discussing the effect one of the common losses of children, separation of parents, has on children and adolescents. I will be referring to children and adolescents as children.

THE BOY SHOPLIFTER

Years ago I worked in a variety store on the checkout. One day a boy of about 12 walked out past my customers. I stopped him and asked to check his backpack.

His reaction to this was extraordinary and upsetting. He sat down on the floor, against the wall, and put his bag down. The look on his face was one of utter desolation. Here was a small child who was really frightened but also who felt extremely alone.

That was really upsetting for me.

The boy had packed his bag full of stolen items.

The police were called and the boy was taken away.

THE HISTORY BEHIND HIS BEHAVIOUR

I learned that his parents had recently separated and his father had a new girlfriend. Since the breakup of his parent’s marriage, the boy had been involved in many acts of vandalism and angry behaviour.

To the other staff, this boy was just some troublemaker who no one should feel sorry for. He was obviously just bad.

To me this boy was a child whose life had been turned upside down by destruction of his secure world and he was acting out his feelings.

THE DIFFICULTY FOR PARENTS IN RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWNS

For adults in the middle of a relationship breakdown, it is an incredibly painful time. There is often little enough energy for each individual to attend to his or her own needs in this terrible loss. There is rarely any energy available for the children of this relationship.

This doesn’t mean the parents are horrible people. They love their children and care deeply about them. But they are struggling to cope with what has happened.

THE FEAR OF MUM AND DAD BREAKING UP

Attending to the needs of the children in this is hard. From a child’s perspective things are very frightening. Security is the most important need of a child. A child needs to know its parents are there to ensure its survival. If the parents are not there, who will ensure the child’s survival?

Parental separation takes a child’s entire understanding of safety and destroys it. For the child caught up in the breakdown of his parent’s marriage, there is no safety. It is hard for parents in this situation to reassure the child. Sadly the child can become the pawn in the breakdown, as each parent seeks to punish the other through access to the child.

CHANGED CONTACT, EVEN NO CONTACT

Sometimes, the parent who leaves will, for a variety of reasons, reduce or completely cut off contact with the child. This is a terribly hurtful for the child. The child does not understand the adult world. What the child understands is that Mum and Dad are not together anymore and that one parent does not want to have anything to do with him anymore.

The child sees a future that is very uncertain.

THE MANY LOSSES A CHILD EXPERIENCES

Often children will talk about having to move away from their home and perhaps give away family pets which they cannot take with them to their new rental home.

Children will talk about never hearing from one parent and not always understanding why.

THE CONFUSION OF ONE PARENT BEING NEGATIVE ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT

Parents can be reckless in the words used to the child and tell the child negative things about the other parent. This is not fair to the child. That other parent is their parent too. The child loves them and identifies with them. Sometimes, what is being criticised in the other parent is something the child does. So where does that leave the child? Does that mean the parent rejects him as well?

SPLIT CUSTODY CAN BE CONFUSING

The Family Law Courts, in the desire to ensure both parents have equal access to children, can cause damage to children. For a child, the security of the family home is replaced by the insecurity of two non-homes. The child spends part of the week in one house, but it never has everything the child owns there. The other part of the week is spent in another house which also never has everything the child owns in it.
The child wakes in the night and has to ask “which house am I in?” “I need to pee, where is the bathroom?”.

NOT FITTING IN ANYWHERE

For a number of children, one of the houses they live in contains a new partner and possibly children who may live there full time.

Can you imagine how difficult it is to fit into a house like that?

The child is there part time, the rest of the people in the house are there full time. How does the child fit in to that? All the love and the will in the world is not going to compensate for that lack of belonging and hence safety.

FEELINGS CAN BE ACTED OUT OR INTERNALISED

As was seen in my story of the 12 year old shoplifter, many children act out their feelings. But others internalise them.

Adults look at the children and, because they seem to be happy, think they have accepted what has happened. That they have ‘gotten over it’. But this is not true. Children suffer because what has happened to them is too great for a child to process without help.

HOW COUNSELLING CAN HELP

Parents involved in the grief of the end of a relationship are not in a position to help the child. This is where counselling and grief and loss programs are really helpful to assist children in this situation to be able to express feelings in a healthy way before the grief and loss feelings develop into long term problems.
The sad story of the adolescent girl could have been prevented if she had been able to access counselling as a 6 year old.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your children with your relationship breakdown, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Alexithymia. What is it and do I have it?

A lot of people who come to see me about difficulties with life have alexithymia.

Alexithymia basically means you have problems feeling, identifying and expressing emotions. The word comes from Ancient Greek and means no words for emotion.

Researchers consider 1 in 10 people have this condition, so it is relatively common.

There are some conditions associated with Alexithymia. Autism is the best known, but people with Childhood PTSD, depression and a trauma history are also noted to have it.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE SIGNS OF ALEXITHYMIA?

What might you notice if you have alexithymia?

• You find it hard to understand what emotions you are experiencing

• It is hard to communicate your emotions to others

• Difficult to understand you own internal thoughts and feelings

• Difficulty identifying bodily sensations and the emotions they are connected to

• Difficulty identifying the emotions in others and responding to them

• Difficulty understanding the nonverbal communication of others

• You may experience difficulties with imagination

• You may have a thinking style that is logical and rigid and does not factor in emotions

• You may find it hard to cope with stress

• You may be less altruistic than other people

• You may find it hard connecting and relaxing with others and may appear to them to be distant, rigid and humourless.

• You may feel little satisfaction with your life.

WHAT PEOPLE EXPERIENCE

One person I spoke with described alexithymia as feeling an emotion in her body but her brain not being told about it. She experienced a disconnection between the sensations she was feeling in her body and her ability to understand and share with others what emotion was attached to those sensations. In other words, she found it difficult to identify and describe her emotions.

Another person I worked with used to journal what she was feeling in her body and anything happening around her or with her at the same time. Over time she identified sensations she understood to be certain emotions.

For example, she used to feel a pleasant sensation in the centre of her chest and found she experienced it whenever she thought about her children. She realised she was feeling love.

On occasion she would feel a funny bubbly feeling in her stomach that felt like it would explode. She realised this feeling came up when she was anticipating wonderful things about to happen. She realised she was excited.

She learned to attach the feelings to the emotions she had identified. But she is a long way from understanding all her feelings and she is still caught out by body sensations she has not learned to understand.

Not all people with alexithymia are able to learn to identify their emotions. But it can be worth trying. You never know, you may be able to learn to identify them.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE NOT LEARN TO IDENTIFY THEIR EMOTIONS?

Children learn to identify their emotions from their parents. Parents help children identify what they are feeling by naming the emotions they are feeling. When children feel safe in their environment they are able to learn to identify all the times they feel a certain emotion. As time goes on they can identify new emotions because they have learned that body sensations are linked to emotions and will search to understand new body sensations.

If a child is not interacted with in that way then it is difficult for them to learn this.

Neurodivergent children learn differently and need different approaches to teach them. If a child is identified as being neurodivergent they can be directed to programs to help them learn.

HOW DOES TRAUMA IMPACT LEARNING TO IDENTIFY EMOTIONS?

For children raised in trauma situations there is often no one to help them understand the array of emotions they feel. Also, trauma is terrifying. Fear activates protective responses in the brain that turn off conscious thinking in order to defend from danger. When the conscious brain is turned off then it is not possible to be aware of emotions, let alone understand them.

Additionally, there is frequently no one to help the child later to process the array of emotions they have just experienced. It is quite likely in those situations that the body sensations become linked to the trauma experience and suppressed.

Another way child don’t learn to understand their feelings is when children feel certain emotions and are overridden by adults in their life. An example may be when a child is afraid of something and are told not to be so silly and are forced to do what they are frightened of. Another example is when a child doesn’t want to play with someone because they feel uncomfortable around them and are told they are being ridiculous and forced to go play.

In both the above examples, the child’s feelings are dismissed and overridden. This causes the child to believe their internal feelings are not valid. That leads to them not trusting what they feel in their own bodies. So the child learns to ignore what they are feeling and can no longer identify what emotions they are experiencing.

Adults who have never learned to identify their emotions can become expert at shutting off contact with their bodies. For them, being asked what they are feeling in their bodies becomes impossible and stressful. They don’t know how to feel what is in their bodies. When they try they feel overwhelming fear because opening up their contact with their bodies releases a lifetime of locked away terrifying emotions.

CAN I LEARN TO FEEL MY EMOTIONS?

Yes, you can. It is not easy but you can. How do I know? Because I learned to do it once I became an adult. It took a long time, and a lot of healing, but I did it.

HOW I CAN HELP YOU

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to understand your emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au