An astonishing number of people don’t know they had traumatic childhoods. They just thought their childhoods were like everyone else’s.
When I was studying for my Counselling degree I took an elective on Family and Relationship Counselling. In some lectures we would have discussions about things we did with our families as children. I realised then how much other people did with their families and how little my family did. So much of what went on in my childhood involved my father’s meltdowns which involved emotional and physical abuse.
When I started seeing clients they would tell me about their issues and not understanding why they were the way they were. Eventually they would start talking about their childhoods and it was so obvious that their childhoods were not what is considered normal and just like me, they hadn’t realised their childhoods were not like other people’s.
I wonder if you had a “normal” childhood or had one that you didn’t realise was traumatising.
The following stories are ones I found on an online public forum. I have selected the ones that matched ones many of my client’s have told me.
Witnessing Someone Die
There is the story of the 16 year old on the way home from school. As they stood waiting to cross the road another teen ran out and was hit by a car. They ran to help and cradled the teen’s head in their lap. The teen opened their eyes and looked at this 16 year old. They observed their eyes change from a bright blue, to medium blue, to dull grey as they died.
The paramedics came and took the teen away. No one checked on the 16 year old. They went home and told their family. It was never talked about again.
Years later they saw something on the television that brought back the memory of that incident and they cried uncontrollably for some time.
They hadn’t realised what had happened to them was so unusual.
They had to seek counselling to processing the trauma.
My Grandmother
The 16 year old’s story reminded me of when I was 12 and my grandmother had a cardiac arrest. I tried to resuscitate her but she died. No one ever talked about it.
I felt so guilty, believing I had stuffed up and she would have been alive if I had resuscitated her properly.
I wasn’t until over 20 years later when I tried to resuscitate a patient who choked to death and observed her colour go from healthy pink through deep red, purple, blue and finally wax white that memories of resuscitating my grandmother came back. It really shook me and I struggled to process those memories. After many years I saw a counsellor and was able to process them.
Sexual Abuse
Another person told the story of how their grandparents would kiss them and their siblings on their genitals to “show how much they loved them. Their parents treated it as normal. They even did this to their younger cousins because they believed it was a demonstration of love.
When they grew older they realised this was not normal and were horrified.
Education like the Bravehearts program is really important to teach children what is not okay. Without that information this person had no idea.
The Young Soldier
Another person signed up to the military. When they went off to basic training they were astonished that others cried and missed their family. This young recruit thoughts had turned to how nice it was to have no one hit them and to not be so overburdened with work they were expected to do. They had no idea it wasn’t normal to be hit and worked hard.
Being Shown Affection and Provided with Food
A woman was surprised when her husband’s mother made food for him and gave him hugs. She had no idea people did that. It certainly never happened in her family.
Abusive Behaviour
One person reported their father taught them to swim by pushing them in the deep end of a pool and walking away. Fortunately their cousin saw what happened and rescued them.
The Take Off Your Clothes Teacher.
There are three I have selected for this.
One was from a woman who as a young child (5-10) had swimming lessons at a local pool. The children arrived after school in their uniforms and were taken into a room to change. They had to stand in a circle and completely undress before putting on their swimmers. A male staff member would always watch them. He wasn’t one of the teachers. He was only there when they were changing.
The woman realised later how odd that was.
Girls of 14-15 in class with one teacher had to take off their tops to prove they didn’t have “spaghetti tops” on underneath.
When I was in Primary School – 10-12 – there was a male teacher who would make the girls take off their sports tops and run around in their sport bloomers (we had to wear them under our tops) in sport. He claimed it helped them to run more freely. He was never my teacher but I remember watching once while girls a few years younger then me were in the playing field on the main road and forced to take their tops off. It was so humiliating for those who didn’t have a singlet on underneath, but even those were humiliated by having to show their singlets (this was the early 1970s when you didn’t do that sort of thing). I often wonder what sort of excitement that gave him.
Neglect
One person reported learning about their mother leaving them in their cot to go out and have a good time. She would leave the person alone and they remember crying and waiting for her to come home. She claimed she was always terrified they would be caught in a fire or die while she was out. But it didn’t stop her going out.
The Uncaring Parent
Another person talked about their mother never offering support or nurturance when they hurt themselves, sometimes very badly. They didn’t realise until they were seeing a counsellor that the mother’s behaviour was abnormal.
The Abusive Relative
There were many reports of uncles who would play strange tickle games and the adults would just ignore it and allow it to happen.
Another was of a young girl whose grandfather would sit close to her and touch her in the presence of the rest of the family. When she complained she was told to just go sit somewhere else.
Others reported neighbours who would bribe them to allow him to touch them sexually.
The Addict Parent
Many reported having to deal with parents who were high or severely drunk.
One reported having to drive their father home at the age of 8 because the father was too drunk to drive.
Another reported how their drunk father would become violent and would chase them around with knives and other objects to hit or throw at them. On one occasion the father went on such a long and noisy rampage that the police were called and had to taser the father to stop him.
Another reported their grandmother trying to inject them with heroin when they were a small child.
Not Being Given Food
One person talked about how their parents split up and the mother was so caught up in trying to cope and work that she never supplied food for her children. This person had to learn to cook food for their younger siblings and themselves. The mother didn’t even notice she had stopped cooking for her children.
More Sexual Abuse
One woman reported her mother making her shower with her mother’s boyfriends from the age of 8 into her teens. She didn’t realise until she was in her 20s that this was not normal.
Parental Kidnapping
Many told of being kidnapped by their father and the lengthy process their mother had to go through to get them back. Many were taught to think badly of their mother.
One person and their mother had to go into hiding to avoid the father trying to kidnap them again. That was their childhood. Moving constantly. No photos to be taken. No seeing family in case he followed them.
Violence
One person spoke about living in an isolated rural area and their family and another spoke of their family getting into a gun fight while they hid in fear. That was normal for them growing up.
Another spoke about their parents getting them to play a game of staying on the floor the longest. They didn’t realise until much later it was because gun fights had broken out in their neighbourhood.
Cleanliness.
One just commented that they thought only rich people had clean houses because their house was filthy.
Excessive Discipline
Then there was the person who was beaten up when they didn’t get A grades.
Mental Illness in the Family
Many reported the erratic and disturbing behaviour of mentally ill family members.
One lost track of the number of times they came home from school and had to call an ambulance because their mother had made yet another suicide attempt. Another reported not realising how unusual it was for the police to be constantly called to an out of control mentally ill family member. It wasn’t until they
visited friends houses and notice the calm there that they realised their family was so unusual.
Physical abuse
Another said they thought everyone was beaten up by their babysitters.
More Sexual Abuse
One woman said she didn’t know girls weren’t supposed to have internal exams done by their doctor “as a matter of course”. She was constantly examined by her doctor. She thought she had to grin and bear it because it was part of female health care. She was in her adult years before she discovered this was abuse and definitely not normal.
Lack of Affection
One person reported being given no affection as a child. There were no mementos or memorabilia of them kept either. It was only when friends started getting out childhood photos, baby books, memorabilia, hand and foot prints that they realised none of that had been kept for them.
Another woman related how she and her husband attended a reunion of his family. She loved hearing the stories family members told of their childhood and was surprised to realise that none of her childhood memories involved adults. Her memories were of caring for her siblings and being sent on long plane trips on her own without assistance from the age of 9. She also remembered cooking 1 minute noodles for herself and her siblings for meals. Her main memory of adults was of her father being away driving trucks all the time and her mother passing out from too much alcohol.
Waking Up To The Knowledge of Abuse
Each of these stories has a parallel in someone who has come to me to explore their pain. In most cases they had no idea their childhood was so unusual. That the cause of their pain was childhood trauma. For those who were aware, that awareness had come much later in life and drew them to seek help.
Despite what others may tell you, research has shown that it is not possible to heal from trauma without counselling assistance. You can do things that seem to help but involve burying the trauma. Your body will never let you just bury it. It will cry out in either emotional or physical pain to be healed.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your childhood trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
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