When you lose someone you love you discover that grief is a lonely event.
No one else feels quite the way you do. They may grieve, but it will not be in the way you are grieving.
Of course, there will be plenty of people around you who did not have a relationship with the one you loved. Or who had a more distant relationship with them.
Those people will either not grieve, or be less impacted by the loss of the one you loved.
Ultimately, the path of grief is a solo path.
When you are grieving there are a lot of firsts.
The first time you learn your life will go in without the one you love.
The first time you realise life goes on.
The first time you go out without the one you love.
The first time you go to a favourite place without them.
The first time you want to share something funny and they are not there.
The first time you leave the house.
The first social event without them.
The first social interactions.
The first time back at work since you lost the one you love.
The first time you do anything.
It is a lonely, frightening, difficult, depressing, overwhelming, reluctant, numb, disorienting path.
There will be days when you won’t want to get out of bed.
There will be days when you don’t care about personal hygiene.
There will be days when you wear the same grubby old clothes and don’t even notice.
There will be days you don’t remember to eat.
There will be days where the thought of leaving the house fills you with panic.
There will be days when you just want to close the world out because it insists on continuing and you don’t want it to.
Somewhere, some time, in all this upheaval, loneliness and confusion you discover a spark. That spark guides you out of bed, to wash and put on fresh clothes, to eat and to leave the house. That spark allows you to face the reality of life continuing.
That spark is courage.
For a long time you will most likely feel like crap. But courage doesn’t desert you. It will allow you to face the world again. It will allow you to trust the world again. It will allow you to go out there, meet with others and live.
The following quote beautifully sums up this experience.
“It takes a lot of courage to live life as a griever. To face the world each day with a smile when you’re actually crying inside. To engage in conversations with others when you just wish you could be left alone. To be made to look forward to the future when you just wish to go back to the yesterdays. It takes a lot of courage to reach deep down within yourself and tell yourself that you will do your best to survive yet another day.” – Narin Grewal.
Hi I lost my only son recently 4 months and it a huge struggle for me and I dunno how to react to life if I say or do something I’m judged if I dnt react I’m faulty I feel like I failed
Julie I am so sorry you are going through this. Losing a child is so hard, no matter what age they are. Managing your grief with the opinions of other people getting in the way is also hard. No matter how we died you have not failed.