{"id":923,"date":"2023-04-20T15:52:44","date_gmt":"2023-04-20T05:52:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/?p=923"},"modified":"2023-04-20T15:52:49","modified_gmt":"2023-04-20T05:52:49","slug":"the-myth-of-passive-aggressive-behaviour","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/the-myth-of-passive-aggressive-behaviour\/","title":{"rendered":"The Myth of Passive Aggressive Behaviour"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

There is a lot of misinformation about behaviour and its causes in the general community.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This leads to many terrible things being done to people who should be given understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One popular thing to accuse people of is being Passive Aggressive. The label is freely applied to people but there is extremely limited understanding of what passive aggressive behaviour actually is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The source of the myth<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This myth is not helped by the fact that there used to be a \u201cpersonality disorder\u201d listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This \u201cdisorder\u201d labelled Passive Aggressive was dropped 20 years ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite this no longer being accepted as a disorder, the community persists in applying this label to people. People who exhibit this behaviour have had trauma in their pasts and need understanding, not misguided judgement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What behaviour you may see in someone labelled as Passive Aggressive<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Often a perfectionist with very high standards of their own behaviour.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Difficulty identifying what they want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Difficulty asking for help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Difficulty setting boundaries and saying no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Low Self Esteem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Sensitive to criticism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 People pleaser who seeks to accommodate other people\u2019s wants.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Hates to disappoint people and can become very distressed when think they will.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Frightened of taking initiative in relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Finds it hard to say no so will instead say yes but try to communicate no by hints or cancelling at last minute, often in great distress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Withdraws when someone is angry with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Doesn\u2019t make feelings, needs and wants known to others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Saying no leads to feelings of guilt and great anxiety that have upset other person and that they will be rejected for that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Expresses feelings through behaviour rather than words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Seek to avoid conflict at all costs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Taken advantage of by others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Feels like a victim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Often unaware of feelings. Can be angry and not aware of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 May resort to more subtle behaviours to communicate message such as being sarcastic or even fantasising about getting revenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Often feels resentful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Can\u2019t understand why others can\u2019t see their needs. Desperately wants other to see them because it is not safe to express them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 May sub consciously adopt \u201cunhappy\u201d behaviour as non verbal communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2022 Procrastination, inefficiency, stubborness and sullenness are some behaviours that may be used.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dispelling the myth: what passive aggressive behaviour is actually about<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is unable to express their needs safely they will adopt other ways to communicate their needs. This is not a deliberate thing. It comes about because their brain seeks ways to communicate that are safe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One way to do this is through non verbal communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So you may see \u201cunhappy\u201d behaviour, sullenness, procrastination as behaviours that communicate unhappiness. These are not adopted deliberately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it is not safe to express needs openly, then passive aggressive behaviours become a safer way to express those needs. That is why you will notice people dropping hints, or being reluctant to do what you ask, or looking sullen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you been accused of passive aggressive behaviour?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you have learned it is not safe to express your needs you will frequently feel you do not have the right to have needs. This is why you will struggle to set boundaries and say no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You will also notice you seek to avoid conflict. But underneath you may feel great distress at the way things are happening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Internally, you may find it hard to even acknowledge what you are feeling. You may feel you are judged by others for the way you feel. In fact, you are judged because of ignorance about your behaviour.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The pressure cooker of denied needs<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You may have learned as a child to push down your feelings. In adulthood you continue to do this. Over time this pushing down creates a pressure cooker situation where your feelings will explode and you may express them in a number of ways. For example by being angry, or bursting into tears, or running away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to be less passive aggressive<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ultimately you need to be honest with youself about your feelings and learn to express them more assertively. It is important to be aware that not everyone will accept you being more assertive. When that happens the other person is acting out their own insecurities. This doesn\u2019t make you wrong. But it will feel uncomfortable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be honest about your feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learn to express yourself. This will help prevent misunderstandings, hurt feelings and resentment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do you need help?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is not easy to learn to feel safe expressing your needs. Healing the past and learning to let go of the protective behaviours that kept you safe, but no longer serve you, is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is particularly hard to do on your own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is where counselling can help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to learn how to effectively meet your needs please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http:\/\/eepurl.com\/g8Jpiz<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There is a lot of misinformation about behaviour and its causes in the general community. This leads to many terrible things being done to people who should be given understanding. One popular thing to accuse people of is being Passive Aggressive. The label is freely applied to people but there is extremely limited understanding of … Continue reading The Myth of Passive Aggressive Behaviour<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[28,36,17,10,42,43,32,14],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/923"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=923"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/923\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":925,"href":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/923\/revisions\/925"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=923"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=923"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/plentifullifecounselling.com.au\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=923"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}