We live in a society where anger is discouraged. Where anger is perceived as being bad. Where children are taught how to suppress their anger. Where anger in the form of “rage” incidents is become worryingly common.
There is a focus on controlling and preventing anger. But doing that is not always helpful.
ANGER AS THE BIG BADDY
Anger is seen as maladaptive but it is actually a perfectly normal reaction to things that happen.
There is a need for the attitudes towards anger to change.
There is a need for freedom to express anger.
ANGER PERCEIVED DIFFERENTLY
Anger can be used constructively and is more likely to be used that way when it is free to be expressed. It can be channelled into calling for action and positive change.
What if, instead of labelling people as dysregulated and focusing on trying to control and repress anger we actually allow people the freedom to express their anger in a helpful way.
HOW WE LEARN ANGER
A child learns how to react to anger. How a child learns to react to anger depends on the adults in the child’s life and what they can teach the child. Adults who cannot process anger in a healthy way are not going to be able to teach a child to express anger healthily.
In the case of abuse, there is usually no adult available who can help the child by comforting them and teaching them how to regulate their emotions.
When bad things happen to children the result is often a feeling of shame. The child is often blamed for the bad things or takes on the blame themselves. Shame leads to anger directed at yourself. A child berating themselves for getting angry “again” is common and very unhelpful. Shames means you are less than others, somehow defective. This is a major impediment to seeking help because to acknowledge how bad a person you are is a dangerous thing for your fragile sense of self.
ANGER AS A DEFENCE
Research has shown that trauma in childhood causes the development of psychological defence behaviours that allow the child to survive. The problem is that in adulthood those defence behaviours that allowed you to survive become a problem.
It is natural to be angry when someone harms you. It is natural to be angry at unfair treatment, being ignored, having hurtful things said about you, being physically abused, sexually abused and so on.
Anger is a natural response to your boundaries being violated.
Anger is a natural response to losing something that is important and that matters to you. That can occur when something is taken away from you and also when your sense of self, self confidence or self esteem is taken away too.
ANGER AS ENERGY
Anger provides the energy you need to defend your boundaries, to express your feelings and to be assertive. Anger can also protect you from the feelings that underly it such as fear or sadness.
It is usual to be taught that anger is bad or unsafe.
If you were raised in an angry household with physical or verbal expressions of anger, you would have seen that anger is unsafe and leads to bad things happening.
ANGER REPRESSED
But you may have been raised in a household where emotions were kept under tight control and any sign of emotion, especially anger, was considered bad.
Anger suppression impacts on you as an adult in different ways.
Unexpressed anger remains in the body. It leads to the body being held tight to control any expressions of anger. This can be seen in muscle tension. This is a common way for anger to be repressed. It is also associated with constipation, headaches and high blood pressure.
THE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES OF REPRESSED ANGER
If you hold anger in your body as tension and are not able to express that anger it becomes chronic. Not only will that anger be held as muscle tension, it will also lead to negative thoughts and blocked feelings. This will have a negative impact on your well being both psychologically and physically.
The end result is anxiety which can also be expressed as depression and phobias.
FEAR OF PROBLEM RESOLUTION
Another negative result of suppressing anger occurs when you are unable to express it. If you believe that to express anger is to be bad then you will often avoid any form of confrontation or problem resolution. This will lead to a loss of ability to make change in your life. To a loss of agency. If you can’t stop constant boundary violations from other people you can only become resigned to it. This feeds low self esteem and hopelessness. Boundary violations can come from your partner, children, family, coworkers, employers, friends as well as strangers.
It can be difficult to express anger. I see people who have a right to be angry being viewed as dangerous or out of control when they express that anger. Even when it is expressed in a calm, assertive way people can view it as scary.
So what are your sources of anger? How do you express your anger? In our society with its repression of anger there are different ways to express anger.
THE RIGHT ANGER FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT
There are times when the subtle, quiet anger is appropriate. This is useful when you are working to correct a wrong or dealing with a difficult other party. For example: you may be angry at a government plan to build a road through a unique woodland and join a protest group to initiate protests against this plan. Or you may be angry at an insurance company that is refusing to pay out on a legitimate claim and your anger keeps you going as you calmly and assertively fight them.
You may also need to defer anger when your child is crying, or someone has just run into your car and you need to get their details. That anger still needs to be expressed somehow later.
ESSENTIAL PHYSICAL EXPRESSION
It is important to express anger physically. You just have to learn how to do that without causing harm to others or yourself.
Many people will go for a walk, a run, or some other form of exercise. When you allow yourself to express your anger in this way you can learn to feel it in your body. You can learn the signs that you are getting angry. You can learn how to release the anger in a healthy way and be confident you know how to do that so you do not fear it any longer.
It can also be helpful when you are on your own to say words that express what you are feeling inside. That may be “no”, “stop”. Other people find it helpful to use swear words.
Other people find it very relieving to throw things as in a game. A good example is darts. The old joke of the hated boss’s picture on a dartboard is a great example of this! Whacking a ball against a wall can be a good release too.
HOW I WORK WITH ANGER
In my therapy room I use bean bags and will encourage you to throw them hard at the floor. I also encourage vocalising the anger. These are safe ways in a safe space to express unresolved anger.
Once you learn healthy ways to express your anger you can identify when you are holding anger in your body. It can be a surprise to become aware of the sensations of anger in your body. This is really helpful for you to recognise when you are holding anger without being aware of becoming angry. This is a great way for you to process and address things, take appropriate action and process the anger in your body.
ANGER AS A POWERFUL TOOL FOR CHANGE
In life bad things happen and anger is associated with them. We think and are taught that we can just push things down and not deal with them. Yet that anger still carries energy around it. That energy is not going anywhere. It needs to be released in a helpful way or it will stay in the body, usually as a form of muscle tension and a strong trigger to anything that is similar to it.
Once you learn to let go of anger and process the events around that anger you can feel more in control with new situations that arise. You can learn to express your anger constructively and feel more confident that you can do that. This will reduce the amount of anger you take on board.
You can also learn that anger is not something to be frightened of but instead is a powerful tool of change in your life.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with expressing anger, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz