In my last blog I shared the range of experiences people report in the aftermath of bereavement.
Today I want to share about what is happening in the brain in grief.
Before I do that, it is important to acknowledge that grief is not just about the death of someone close to you. It is also about losing a body part, losing freedom, losing a job, losing good health, losing a relationship, moving house, moving to a new area/country and so on.
What is the brain doing in grief?
In the immediate aftermath of your loss, your brain perceives the distress you are experiencing as a threat to your survival and springs into defence mode. You are suddenly in a highly activated stress state. The state where you body switches into fight or flight mode. This is why many people in the early stages of grief are unable to sit still but instead need to pace backwards and forwards, or even run away.
Other symptoms of this defence mode include:
• an inability to sleep,
• being unable to think clearly or make decisions,
• total loss of appetite,
• Being numb or feeling things are unreal,
• Being hypervigilant to reminders of your loss,
• Dizziness, trembling, racing heartbeat, gastro-intestinal upset,
• Difficulty concentrating,
• Forgetting things,
• Finding it difficult to regulate your feelings.
Long term brain work
After the acute grief period your defence systems in your brain will settle down. But you will still experience many of the same symptoms. So what is happening?
Learning is what is happening.
Any change in circumstances results in changes in the brain. The brain has to develop new neural pathways and close down others. This is how learning shows up in the brain.
The brain’s internal map
I have heard it likened to walking through your house at night. Most people can navigate around the house fairly well in dim light. Your brain has an internal map of the layout of the space so that you avoid bumping into things.
In this map, your brain will alert you to what is there.
Have you ever experienced walking into a space and noticing something is not there? Then you wonder how long it has been missing because you can’t actually remember when you last saw it. The chances are this item has just gone missing. When things are familiar you tend not to notice them. But when they are not there you suddenly notice.
When items are missing from the brain’s map
This is very similar to what your brain does with people in your life. You are used to seeing certain people and don’t even have to think about them being there, because they always are. Every time you see them, your brain releases a feel good chemical, oxytocin. But if they are not there, then you notice their absence and you no longer get the oxytocin dose.
Some of the difficulty in grief is that you brain keeps noticing the one you love is not there. And it hurts.
Your brain relates to the people in your life
Your brain will change the way you relate to the person who is dead. This is learning. Your brain can create new pathways to hold the memory of the person you love, to remember their absence, and to feel the grief at their departure from your life.
While you are grieving, your brain is learning. It is learning how to transform the relationship you have with the one you have lost so that they are not in your life anymore but the love you have for them, and your memories of them, still exist.
Why does it take so long? Why is it so hard to accept the reality of the person being out of your life?
New neural pathways take time to grow. And there is a lot of growth needed to transform your memory of the person who is gone from present reality to a memory.
The neural connection with the people you love
You form neural pathways that link you to the person you love. The bond you have carries with it the understanding that you will both be there for each other. Now your brain has to unlearn that. But you still have that attachment pathway to their memory. And the pathway for memory needs to be unlinked from the pathways for the present.
While those neural pathways are changing you still have the sense the person you love is there and your brain keeps trying to connect to them. Then it is devastating when you remember they are gone.
Grieving requires you to resolve this conflict between your attachment to someone who is here and the memory of them when they are no longer here.
Epigenetic changes happen in brain when people bond. Oxytocin is released around those bonds. When the bond is broken the brain has to adapt to the loss of oxytocin..
Your brain understanding they are gone
Attachment bonds are specific to each person you bond with. It is hard to learn they are gone but usually the brain is good at learning. You learn to accept the loss of the person. Your brain can learn that they will not be there.
Continuing bonds
You may have heard the term continuing bonds. This refers to the bond you will always have with the person who is dead. They may not physically be present, but you will find you are still in communication with them. It is very common for human beings to do this.
Continuing bonds allow you to connect to other loved ones and make new friends.
The benefits of what your brain is doing
Your brain can help you through the experience of grief so that you can understand what life is like now and find ways to reconnect and create meaningful activity in your life.
Grief is a form of learning so it doesn’t matter how long it takes. You will continue to learn.
Keep talking about your loved one. Keep sharing your experiences. Find your tribe who will be willing to listen. Be patient. Be okay to not always be happy. Be okay to sometimes feel sad. Be okay to grieve forever.
If you need to talk to someone and can’t find a group, then counselling can help.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz