When you have experienced trauma in the past, it can be hard to live in the present.
You are surrounded by things that trigger traumatic memories.
You are constantly checking around you for danger (hypervigilant).
You have trouble trusting people.
You are always anxious because you are constantly looking out for danger.
As a parent, you are trying to protect your children and that makes you anxious and something overprotective with your children.
It is really important that you look after yourself so that you, and those you care for, have the best chance at getting through each day.
Following are 6 vital things for you to do to protect yourself.
1.Nurture yourself.
Look after yourself as though you were the loving parent protecting and caring for their child.
Pay attention to the basic essentials of life:
- eating,
- drinking enough water,
- getting enough good quality sleep,
- moving and exercising,
- getting out in the fresh air,
- especially in nature,
- washing yourself and
- breathing.
Eating: Make sure you eat healthy food. This give you important nutrition to build and repair your body. It also give you energy for basic body functions. Take time to prepare your meals and keep to a routine. This increases your chances of eating and eating well, as well as reducing the temptation to eat things that are less healthy.
Drinking: Remember to drink enough water. If you can’t remember, drink water at set times, as you would with a meal. Try to avoid sugary drinks and alcohol. Also reduce your tea and coffee drinking because of the caffeine in them.
Sleep: Research has shown that we need enough good quality sleep in order to function well. This allows us to not only stay awake during the day, but also to be mentally and physically healthy. Good sleep routines are helpful to use before bed. Try to limit screen time in the few hours before bed. A warm bath or shower can also be helpful in triggering your body to go to sleep. Work out your natural sleeping time and aim to go to bed at that time every night. Make sure your bedroom is tidy and pleasant to be in. Make sure your bed is comfortable. Research shows you sleep better in a tidy, pleasant bedroom with a comfortable bed.
Moving and exercising: taking a break every so often and walking for a minute or so is really beneficial. Try to get out of the house at least once a day to get fresh air. A short walk can help. You could try stretches or dancing to a favourite song.
Fresh air: research shows that being out in nature lowers blood pressure and enhances calm. It may not be possible to visit a beach or area of bush every day, but even walking for a short while in a park with trees can be beneficial. Make sure it is somewhere you feel safe and comfortable.
Shower/bath: immersing yourself in water, or having water run over your skin is comforting and relaxing. This also allows you to wash your body, which is an important part of caring for yourself.
Breathing: Breathing plays a large part in reducing our stress levels. It also allows us to calm ourselves when we are becoming distressed. Most people dealing with past trauma take shallow breaths from the top of the chest. It is important to change that to deeper breaths that fill the entire lungs. Breathing deeply allows you to ground yourself. Grounding is explained later in this article.
Remember as part of your nurturing to do nice things for yourself. Things that your enjoy. That may involve a lovely bubble bath, watching a movie, having a long walk, reading a book, playing with a pet or child. You may even want to take up salsa dancing, mindfulness, or join a Zumba class.
2.Self Soothing
It is quite likely you never learned how to soothe yourself as a child. You are also experiencing reactions in your life, because of your trauma, which make managing the normal stresses of life hard to cope with.
Children rely on their parents to learn how to self soothe. They learn this by being soothed by their parents. If you didn’t learn this you may have learned other ways to soothe yourself. Some of these ways involve hurting yourself, using alcohol or drugs, eating “comfort” foods, acting out verbally or physically or being impulsive in your behaviour.
There are many ways you can learn to soothe yourself as an adult. When you are distressed, others can be useful to help you calm down. There are things you can learn to do when you are calmer that you can then use when you recognise you are beginning to feel your distress is out of control.
Things you can try include: reaching out to a trusted other person for a hug, hugging yourself, cuddling a soft toy or pillow, cuddling a pet, wrapping yourself in a blanket, using a weighted blanket, have a warm bath, massaging your feet, allowing yourself to cry, a cup of hot chocolate or using a heat pack.
You may have other helpful ways you have worked out to help you calm down.
3.Grounding
This is an important thing to learn to do. Grounding means being aware of where you are and feeling connected to the earth. That feeling of being on solid ground is very soothing. So often when affected by trauma your awareness of the ground goes. Connecting back to the ground can help you feel safer and more calm.
You may notice that at some times you feel very anxious. This can lead to your feeling irritable and angry. Or you may feel really numb.
For the anxious times breathing is one of the most useful ways to calm down. I mentioned that trauma survivors tend to breathe in the top of the lungs. When you are in fight or flight response you breathe faster to take in more oxygen to fuel your muscle movements. This means your breathing becomes fast and shallow. This type of breathing increases your feeling of being anxious.
The best way to deal with that anxiety and panic is to slow your breathing.
- Practice breathing when things are calm so you can use it when you are anxious.
- Pay attention to your breathing as you breathe in and out.
- Notice the sensation of the air coming in through your nose. For this practice. Breathe out through your mouth and notice the sensation of the air leaving your mouth.
- Once you are aware of your breathing, slow it down. It can be helpful to try breathing in for 4, holding for 4, breathing out for 4, holding for 4. This encourages you to slow your breathing down.
- As you slow your breathing down, try to make your out breath longer than your in breath. One way to do this is to breath in for the count of 4, hold for the count of 7 and breathe out for the count of 8. This sends messages to your brain to calm down.
- If you are finding it hard to breathe, try lying down and putting your hands lightly on your stomach and watching/feeling them rise as you breathe in and lower as your breath out.
- Now that you are aware of your breathing, notice your feet on the floor, or if lying down your body touching the surface you are lying on. Notice the feeling of pressure as you rest on the earth/surface.
The way I described breathing used mindfulness techniques. Mindfulness can be really helpful in connecting you with your body. It is hard to connect to your body when you have been traumatised. Being more aware of what is happening in your body allows you to notice when things are starting out of control so you can take steps to calm that feeling down.
A final note: some people find doing repetitive movements helps them calm down. That might include bouncing a ball, skipping, jumping, doing something with your hands such as a craft activity or colouring in.
For the numb times, the times when you feel spaced out or “not there” there are grounding exercises you can do. These aim to help you feel your body again, feel you are in your body.
Some of techniques are the same as with anxiety. Things such as noticing your breathing are important. Here are some other things you can do.
- Notice your feel on the floor. Push them hard into the floor and notice that feeling.
- If you are sitting feeling your bottom on the chair. Try to push down into the chair to increase that feeling.
- Stomp around the room, feeling your feet hitting the floor.
- Stretch your body, paying attention to the feeling of the muscles stretching.
- Move around, noticing your feet on the floor.
- Notice 5 things you can see, 5 things you can hear, 5 things you can feel (touch), 5 things you can smell and 5 tastes (that one may be harder).
- Look around you and notice colours you can see, the objects you can see, find things starting with a particular letter.
- If there is someone near you and they are talking, focus on what they are saying. If they are moving, focus on what they are doing.
There are a multitude of things you can do. Experiment and find that techniques that work best for you in different situations.
4.Using Anchors
An anchor is something you can remember and use to keep yourself calm and in control.
You need to think of this when you are feeling calm and safe.
Think of somewhere you have been that felt safe. It may be a favourite place in your home, a favourite tree, a place you like to go to that feels safe. It may even be something you have imagined or a picture you have seen.
Once you think of this place imagine the following:
- What can you see there?
- Can you hear any sounds?
- What is the temperature?
- What textures can you feel? Imagine you are touching them.
- What can you smell there?
- Is there anything you can taste?
- How do you feel being in this place?
- What is your favourite thing about this place?
- How does your body feel when you are in this place?
Imagine this place. Come back to it as often as you think of it. Practice being there and how safe and calm it makes you feel.
Now when you feel you are beginning to become distressed imagine you are in that place.
- Look, Think, Action
This is a really good action to stop the automatic thoughts in your brain from tipping you into a distressed state.
Whenever you see something, encounter a situation, hear about something, you have thoughts that come into your mind interpreting those thoughts. When that happens, you can use this method to bring awareness to your thoughts and redirect them before they cause you to become distressed.
Look: notice what is happening. Notice what you are feeling inside. Notice what thoughts are coming up. Notice how your body is wanting to respond. Notice how long the thoughts come up after an event. Some people think an event is okay but then become distressed later as thoughts come up and they find themselves thinking about the event.
Think: As yourself how you feel about the event? What do you notice is the main problem? What has triggered your reaction? Is there an attitude or belief you hold about this? Is this reminding your of a past experience that upset you? What are the consequences of the event? Notice your behaviour – are you responding defensively? Is there something you can do to move on from this reaction? How might you do that?
Action: What is the smallest and most easily managed action you can take to move forward? Do that first. Remember, ignoring what is happening is not helpful, as is running away. These take away your power to influence the outcome of the event. You may, however, choose to take time out to consider your response and then attend to the chosen action.
6.Self Talk
I have already touched on this topic in the previous section.
We all self talk. Sometimes our self talk can be negative, other times positive. Self talk has a deep impact on our mood.
It is usual for people traumatised in childhood to have negative self talk. It is most likely something you have done all your life.
It will take time, but you can learn to interrupt the negative self talk.
Self talk comes from the story of you. You first learn this story when you are a child. If you were subjected to abuse as a child, then you story will be a negative one.
There are always other stories there, that are less dominant. These stories tend to be more positive ones. They can be about you setting healthy boundaries, being able to say what you feel, ask for help, stand up for yourself, accept care.
It is helpful to identify your negative stories and the words that enter your thoughts from those stories.
Listen to what those thoughts are telling you.
Ask yourself if they are true.
Do these thoughts matter?
Can you change them?
What would you change them to?
What thoughts can you find that honour you and emphasise your strengths?
Identify the positive stories that are pushed to the background by your negative stories.
When you find yourself thinking the negative thoughts, tell yourself to stop and start focusing on the positive stories.