Next week in Demeter’s Journey the participants will be sharing their stories of grief.
Today here is my story of my first grief experience. This happened when I was 12 years old. It was challenging in a number of ways.
It happened one Sunday afternoon when my brother and I visited my grandparents. My grandmother was not feeling well and went to lie down. We heard a thump and my grandfather and brother when to check. My brother then went to call an ambulance. 6 months earlier, I had been taught CPR when the then Royal Life Saving Society had come to our primary school and taught us how to perform Mouth to Mouth resuscitation and Chest Compressions. We were told we just had to do this and the person would be fine.
I was really nervous but felt I might be needed so I went to the front of the house and found my grandmother on the bed where my brother and grandfather had placed her. I tried to resuscitate her. I remember it feeling like forever I was performing CPR and my grandmother was not waking up the way the trainers had told we primary school children she would. Eventually the ambulance arrived. Back in the early 1970s there were no defibrillators on ambulances so the ambulance officers continued CPR and eventually transferred her to the ambulance without continuing CPR.
I was 12 and did not understand what all that meant. I certainly did not know what I know now.
I remember my brother driving me home and me wondering what would happen if Nanna was dead. What did that mean?
That is the first thing anyone who first experiences the death of someone has to deal with. What does death mean? For me as a 12 year old I decided it meant I would never see Nanna again. That if I visited their house there would only be Pa.
After we got home I learned my grandmother had died.
I was convinced I had killed her. That I had failed to do the right thing. I was terrified my family would hate me and throw me out because I had done such a terrible thing. This was confirmed by my mother’s words to me that “Nanna would have preferred to die as she didn’t want to be sick”. That confirmed to me that My mother suspected I had killed Nanna.
No one ever talked about what I had done. My brother made one reference to being glad I knew what to do because he hadn’t. Then there was silence.
No one ever asked if I was okay, or talked about Nanna, or referred me on to a counsellor. I wasn’t okay. I believed I had killed Nanna and felt incompetent and shameful.
Later in life I learned a number of things:
- Other people thought it was extraordinary that a 12 year old child had performed CPR.
- Performing CPR on a bed is ineffective because the bed is too soft. My grandfather and brother should have left her on the floor.
- It is highly unlikely that a child as young as 12 will be able to perform effective chest compressions on an adult due to the physical limitation of their body mass and stature.
- The survival rates of people suffering a cardiac arrest drop rapidly for every minute their heart is not beating effectively. Access as soon as possible to a defibrillator is essential.
- Never assume that a child is okay because they appear to be “getting on with life”. Always debrief anyone involved in such a situation. Refer to counselling if necessary.
- I did the right thing and that should have been acknowledged rather than assuming I would know.
When I grew up I became a nurse and was privileged to be with many people as they died and to tend to their bodies after death. I have always considered it an honour to have been able to do this.
I could never understand why when there was a cardiac arrest I shook uncontrollably. It didn’t matter how many cardiac arrests I attended. The feeling never went away.
In my later 30s I was working in a nursing home and a resident choked on a sandwich. I was the only registered nurse, actually the only person, on the scene for the first 5 minutes. I desperately resuscitated the women but watched her colour change as she died of asphyxiation. It was only then that other registered nurses came to assist me. I realised later I was shaking uncontrollably. It was only when we were debriefed that I realised this woman’s death had triggered memories of my grandmother’s death. Unfortunately the debriefing did not include attending to the needs of individuals so I was not allowed to further unpack this.
I rang my mother to tell her I had always believed I had killed my grandmother and to my horror she said she knew! I couldn’t believe an adult could allow a child to think that and do nothing to help.
A few years after that I was doing a practical exam for an advanced first aid course and was given a scenario of a person who was choking. I froze. I couldn’t do anything. Fortunately the examiner, who knew the story of the woman who died, passed me because she realised I had been triggered by this scenario and that I knew what to do.
Since that time I have received counselling to allow me to heal from the trauma of my grandmother’s death.
There are a few things that are important learnings for me from my history.
- Our society mishandles death. The dying are hidden away in hospitals and we rarely have contact with them.
- When someone dies our culture says we need to get over it quickly and talking about it is actively discouraged.
- Children are disenfranchised from death. 50 years ago children did not even attend the funeral of close family members. There may be more encouragement today for children to attend funerals, but they are still kept away from many aspects of death and grieving.
- The needs of children are often overlooked. It is essential to give children the opportunity to express their perceptions and emotions around the death of a close family member or friend.
- At the end of the 1960s Elizabeth Kubler Ross published a book on Death and Dying. In it she listed “stages of grief”. Her work was taken to literally mean we went through stages in grief and at the end we were recovered. This was not her intention, but it is how it was interpreted. To this day, people still believe and are taught that you have to go through stages of healing in the correct order and that you will be completely over it by the end. This is incorrect. Extensive research since then shows this is not how grief works and you never get over it.
- It is essential to debrief after a death, especially if it was witnessed by others or the body was found by others. Often people naturally talk to each other and debrief. But this does not always happen. Never forget to offer everyone, including children, the opportunity to talk about what has happened. For children especially, it is helpful for them to see a counsellor so they can talk to a neutral person about things they may be hesitant to share with those close to them.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
If you are interested in participating in the next Demeter’s Journey starting in July, please contact me.