When someone we know is in pain, our natural reaction is to try to make them feel better. Some of this response is learned behaviour as this is how our society teaches us to respond to another person’s pain. Some of the response is personal discomfort at seeing another person in pain.
The urge to help someone feel better is frequently the response we choose to the pain we see in another person.
Your Grieving Friend Doesn’t Need To “Feel Better”
When a person is grieving, no amount of “feel better” actions will help them feel better. They are in pain and only time will bring them to a point of being able to feel better.
The Pain Of Isolation
It may not be obvious, or something you think about, but the biggest difficulty for those who are grieving is isolation. The pain of grief is very individual and very isolating. You have lost the person you deeply love and the world for you has stopped. But the world for others has not stopped.
They are feeling terrible pain, but others cannot relate to that. Even others who have loved that person as well will feel their pain differently.
This is terribly isolating.
Isolation is very difficult to cope with at the best of times, but when you are grieving it is worse.
Platitude Peril
Sometimes the very platitudes you have learned to say, because others have said them in the past, make the person who is grieving feel more isolated. Feel that people don’t understand what they are going through.
Some of the platitudes are:
• “They are an angel in heaven now.”
• “At least you had x (amount of time) together”.
• “You can always have another one”.
• “It’s time to move on”.
• “Try to keep busy”.
• “They had a good life”.
These types of statements are really unhelpful and send a strong message that there is something wrong with the person and they need to stop grieving.
Quick, Let’s Pretend They Never Existed
Other people will avoid even mentioning the person’s grief. They will act as though the person never existed. That is so incredibly hurtful. It is as if the person who has died never existed. And that hurts.
For the person grieving, they want to remember that the one who has died existed. That they mattered. That their life was worthwhile. It is very hurtful to act as though their loved one didn’t exist. I have had it done to me and it was devastating to encounter that behaviour.
It Is Hard To Face The Reality Of Death
In this life bad things happen. As we all die, it is a certainty that you will encounter death in your lifetime. Death does not always happen to old people who have lived long, fruitful lives.
It happens to young children, to a young person whose life has ended before it had a chance to begin, to a young parent whose children will lose a parent long before it is time for that to happen, to someone in the prime of life.
It can happen in unfair circumstances due to accidents, random events, even the actions of another.
Safety And Security Is Shattered By Grief
When you love someone you feel safe and secure in that relationship. The warmth and security of the relationship has a deep impact on your sense of well being. Your heart sings with the joy you feel in the relationship with that other person. You are full of love and it feels wonderful.
Then suddenly all that safety, security, joy and love is gone. And it hurts.
That pain. The sadness. The devastation. The confusion and disbelief. All that is natural.
Grief Can’t Be Pushed Away, It Must Be Felt
Grief is a pain that has to be experienced. It can’t be pushed away.
This is why you can’t fix another person’s pain.
They have to experience it and process it.
Yes it will hurt. But suppressing those feelings of pain is a major cause of depression.
The pain has to be experienced. It is the only way the pain can be processed. It is the only way to make meaning of the loss.
What Can I Do To Support My Friend?
In supporting someone you know who is grieving, the support they need from you is to feel less isolated.
This involves just being with them. Don’t try to fix anything. Let them know you are there, no matter what. Let them know it is okay for them to feel devastated, or angry, or like crying or any other reaction they may have.
Just be there. Listen to what they have to say. Don’t try to fix anything, just listen. They need a witness to their pain and you can be that.
Don’t force them to talk. If they want to talk, listen. If they want to be quiet, be quiet with them.
Don’t Forget Self Care
In supporting your grieving friend do ensure you take care of yourself. It is hard to be in the presence of such pain. You may need to take a break every so often.
You may find you need to limit your time with them. That is okay. You have to care for yourself first or you will not be able to care for anyone else.
Let your friend know you can spend some time with them and then leave. Let them know when you can next spend time with them.
If you are struggling with the uncertainty of their grief and the feelings that come up for you around death seeing a counsellor can be helpful.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your feelings around death, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz