We all know the pressure to have the perfect Christmas. There is also the pressure to buy presents, to prepare food, to clean the house if you are hosting anyone for Christmas, or to travel away from home with all its associated stress if you are visiting for Christmas.
It is well accepted that Christmas can be a stressful time.
It is also accepted that getting together with family can be stressful as well.
Another stressful aspect of Christmas is the sheer volume of Christmas parties you may be invited to. You may receive more invitations than you feel comfortable accepting, yet you do accept them because you don’t want to let anyone down, or disappoint them.
All this stress can be overwhelming and make Christmas a less than enjoyable time for you.
Many people learn early in life to please other people. Maybe you are a people pleaser.
You may have learned to do this in your childhood home. It may have been a matter of survival. You may have learned to do this to make friends at school, or protect yourself from bullies. You may have learned to do it due to being in an abusive relationship. You may have learned to do it because you didn’t believe people would like you if you said no.
Whatever the reason, it can be a problem at Christmas.
It can be a problem when you feel you have to accept every invitation to attend a Christmas Party, even when you feel overwhelmed with busyness.
It can be a problem when you see family members at Christmas and you fear the expectations they have that you will go alone with anything they suggest.
Of course, you won’t only be a people pleaser at Christmas. It is just that it seems to be a time when you are called on more to people please and your stress levels are already high.
What do you do about it?
It is worthwhile considering how much of a problem this is.
To determine the extent of the problem it is helpful to understand the impact people pleasing can have on you.
• It can increase your stress
• It can lead to you feeling depressed
• You can feel resentful
• You can feel angry
• You can push yourself to the point of exhaustion which can impact your physical health
• It can lead to you now enjoying Christmas time at all
• It can cause you to neglect your self care
• It can harm your relationships
SO WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT?
We all say yes to things on occasion that we may not want to do. That is a choice we make in accommodating other people.
But if you say yes all the time, even when you don’t want to, then you do need to do something about it.
People pleasing, or fawning, is a stress response. It is part of the responses our brain activates when we are in danger.
The most well know of those responses are Fight and Flight. People pleasing, or fawning, is part of this group of defence mechanisms. When you fawn, you seek to accommodate the needs of others to the point where you don’t meet your own needs.
You may find you are not able to tell others how you really feel about something.
You may put the needs of others ahead of your own. A good example of that is saying yes to a Christmas party invitation when you are exhausted and really need to rest.
You may say yes to every request made of you.
You may seek to flatter others.
You may have low self esteem.
You will probably go to great lengths to avoid conflict
You may feel you are taken advantage of and that may really irritate you.
You may worry about fitting in with others and be frightened of having an argument with another person.
THE HIDDEN COSTS OF BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER
Because you always put your needs last, you are more vulnerable to emotional abuse and being exploited by others. You are also more vulnerable to abusive relationships.
At Christmas, being a people pleaser can lead to high levels of stress and you finding this time of year anything but relaxing.
SOME BANDAID MEASURES TO TRY
Feeling safe enough not to people please is a slow process. There are some things you can try in the interim. How effective they are will depend on how safe you feel, but you will only know when you try.
It is helpful to enlist the support of someone else who can be there and give you encouragement, give you some time out and be a listening ear when you need it.
THIS IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW
You need to know these important things:
• You deserve to be able to do what you want
• You deserve to be here and to take up space
• You are enough, just as you are
• Your thoughts, feelings, opinions and boundaries matter
• Most of the time when you say no you will survive.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN “MOST OF THE TIME”?
I would never recommend you stand up to a violent abuser or a coercive controller. That is dangerous. If you are in those situations it is best to contact 1800 RESPECT for assistance.
Apart from that it is okay to say no.
WHAT ARE THE BANDAID MEASURES?
The main measures to take are to be able to say “no”.
Your friend asks you to come to her party. You don’t want to go. You are worried about disappointing her by saying no.
STOP
You deserve to be able to do what you want.
You take a deep breath and say “no, I can’t come”. You may like to add a thankyou for your invitation.
It is important to remember that you don’t have to explain why you are saying no. Your no is no and that is good enough.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE
You arrive at your Aunt’s house for the extended family get together. She is a very organised and determined woman, used to give you orders and expecting you to jump to obey them.
You have drive 2 hours through heavy traffic to get there and you are tired, frazzled and need to destress for a while.
She jumps in with an order to prepare something in the kitchen. I might add at this point that everyone has brought food to contribute to the family feast so there is nothing to prepare in the kitchen.
You don’t want to. You need to sit for a while and see the rest of the family.
You have enlisted your partner to support you.
You say “no”. it is probably a good idea to add “when it is time to put the food out I can help you for a short while”.
She may be stunned you said no. She may try to shame you into helping. She may want to argue. If you can , walk away. If need be you may need to tell her that you need to destress after the drive and want to catch up with family members. You may ask if she has caught up with family members and suggest you can do that together.
Your partner can also support you by steering you away from your aunt, or, if necessary, stepping in to enforce the boundary.
HOW DO I LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES
I have already mentioned that people pleasing is a survival response. It is learned because of traumatic situations.
When you have trauma in your past, you often find it hard to feel safe and manage your emotions, which are often very strong. You will frequently feel unsafe and that is something that you can heal from slowly with the correct treatment.
In Australia the Blue Knot Foundation has well respected trauma treatment guidelines that are effective in healing. It is wise to seek out a therapist who adheres to these guidelines.
WHERE CAN I FIND A THERAPIST?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your people pleasing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz