Since the COVID pandemic began, many people have experienced Christmases that have been dramatically different to previous years. With lockdowns many people could not travel to see family. During that time also people died. Funerals were delayed until relatives could attend. People didn’t get to say goodbye. Families didn’t get together so the death of the family member was not able to be grieved fully.
Now restrictions are lifted. People can travel to see each other.
With family get togethers at Christmas resuming for many, there is a chance of a resurgence of old tensions. There is also adjusting to the different family makeup with the loss of those who have died.
WHAT WILL CHRISTMAS LOOK LIKE FOR YOU THIS YEAR?
There is such societal pressure for Christmas to be magical. The shows on television, the ads, the social media posts of perfect Christmases. All these things influence your belief around Christmas needing to be perfect.
So we arrive at this perfect Christmas Day stressed and most likely yelling at each other. So now we are stressed and upset.
Now add Grief to that mix!
When you are struggling with grief and the absence of people who once were part of your life it seems that everyone else is having a better Christmas than you. And there is that feeling that you should be doing that too.
It seems everyone wants to present to the world their perfect Christmas. But not that many people experience that perfection at Christmas. After all, who wants reality at Christmas? We are all programmed for perfection and who wants to admit they don’t have it.
The more people you add to the Christmas mix, you greater the chance your Christmas will not be perfect. It is wise to remember that.
HOW JANIE* HANDLED CHRISTMAS
Janie’s Father died just after Christmas 30 years ago. She remembers sitting with him on Christmas Day and him wishing her Merry Christmas. It was the last time he spoke to Janie before he died.
The next Christmas, Janie said Merry Christmas to her father and set an empty place at the table for him. She has done that every year since then.
ROBERT* AND HIS CHILDREN HAD A DIFFERENT APPROACH
Robert and his children tried to avoid Christmas after his wife Sally died. The first year they went away for Christmas. They tried to avoid it completely and all the family get togethers.
The next Christmas they put up a new tree with generic decorations as you would see in any business at Christmas. They couldn’t face the special memories of their own tree and decorations. On Christmas day they went to the cemetery instead of getting together with family.
The third Christmas they put up their old tree with all its special memories and set a place at the table for their mother. They decided they needed to remember that life goes on even when the person you love so much is gone. They invited their family to come to them and found it healing to be with people who knew and loved Sally too.
HOW WILL YOU HANDLE CHRISTMAS?
You most likely will not feel like this, but you need to be proactive in your approach to being with others for Christmas.
One suggestion is to let people know what you want from them. They will most likely be worried about whether to mention your loved one, or whether they are a taboo subject. There is no hard and fast rule on this one and most people know that. Let them know how you want them to be. That way you can all experience less stress around what to say.
Let people know if you want to be left alone, or if you want someone to have coffee and a chat with. Let them know if you want the occasional contact to check in on you. Let them know if you appreciate gifts of food or flowers. If you want these things and no contact then let them know you would prefer them to leave it at the front door.
Don’t forget to acknowledge the help people give. You may feel frozen and unable to see anything positive, but you can be aware of the benefits of the care other people demonstrate for you. Thanking them not only lets them know they are doing something that you find helpful, but it is also beneficial for you to express the positive things that happen for you. This helps you engage with life. Something you may not want to do, but need to do.
CARING FOR CHILDREN
When a loved one dies it is tempting to shut everything down. But if there are children involved you need to have greater consideration. Children need to know life does go on. It might not feel it now, but it will go on. They may also want the stability of routine in their lives.
Christmas is one of the routines they may be relying on for stability.
HOW DO YOU RECONCILE YOUR NEED TO GRIEVE WITH THE NEEDS OF CHILDREN?
It is important to acknowledge your loved one and to include memories of them in the day.
You may decide not to make as big a fuss over the day as other years.
Ultimately you may decide to do at Christmas what makes the children happy.
WAYS TO REMEMBER YOUR LOVED ONE AT CHRISTMAS
Many people set a place at their table for their loved one.
Another idea is for everyone to write down their memories of your loved one and put them in a box under the Christmas tree. This can be unwrapped and the memories read out. Sharing stories together is very unifying and a wonderful way to remember someone, and learn more about them. It also makes it acceptable to include them in Christmas.
Maybe you may like to watch their favourite Christmas movie, or listen to their favourite Christmas song.
Or you may like to add an item to the menu that they particularly loved eating. Then you can eat it as a remembrance of them.
HOW TO MANAGE WITH EXTENDED FAMILY THERE
It is hard facing Christmas without your loved one. It is hard when you have a family get together and you have to negotiate all the festivities while grieving. You always need to consider the needs of children in this mix and that is hard too.
If you do have a family Christmas, let family members know what you expect from them. Don’t forget, they may be grieving too.
It is important to remember that Christmas is never perfect, just as life is never perfect. Have the best day you can and accept the imperfections. Remember it is okay to be sad and even cry. Remember that you grieve because you loved and grief is an expression of love.
TO SUMMARISE
When you are grieving, Christmas is likely to be a time tinged with sadness.
You may like to set an empty place for your loved one. You may decide to not make as big a fuss as other years.
It may take you a few years to feel up to having a big family Christmas again.
Start new rituals that will help you commemorate your loved one. They may be temporary or become an established part of Christmas.
Do find ways to connect to family and friends as well as the wider community. You may for a while seek out support groups of others who are grieving. Healing needs the support and involvement of community as well as individual reflection. Often you will find healing in the support of other community members including your family.
SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF YOU NEED IT
If you need extra help, you may consider seeking the support of a grief counsellor.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
NOTE
*please note that whenever I mention someone in my blogs I never use real names and change the circumstances to de-identify the person who has generously given permission for me to use their story in my blog.