So many people come to see me come after the death of their abuser.
They feel anger at the way this person was spoken about at the funeral.
That can be really hard. It can feel very disempowering, as though your voice is silenced and your experience doesn’t matter.
There seems to be a reluctance to be honest about people at their funerals. At some funerals I have attended it would seem the person who died was a saint when I knew they weren’t.
ABUSERS CAN PRESENT AS LOVELY TO OTHER PEOPLE
It is a sad fact of life that the person who abused you, who was awful to you, may well have been charming and seemingly wonderful to others.
So often you can feel you aren’t able to speak up about the way your abuser treated you in life.
I can relate to that. I sat through my mother’s funeral wondering if I was at the right funeral. The person being described was not the person I knew. It was not the abuser I knew.
HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD?
In learning to live after my mother’s death I had to accept that to other people she probably was a wonderful person.
Her inability to be a loving, caring supportive mother. Her inability to protect me from my abusive father. Her inability to attune to me or love me. These were all things that existed in the relationship she formed with me. They did not exist in the relationship she had with other people, even my siblings.
It can be hard to speak up at your abuser’s funeral. You may find you are removed from the funeral if you speak up. Or you may find others refute what you have said. Or you may not yet feel empowered enough to speak up.
Sometimes you need to find other ways to express what you want to say.
SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH
When I spoke to a counsellor I was able to tell her the things I wanted to say at my mother’s funeral but couldn’t. In counselling I often act as the witness to the story people want to tell about their past. And that is one way you can express what you want to say.
I wrote a letter to my siblings about my experience with my mother and they totally rejected it. Some people do the same thing and it is helpful. But it is important to bear in mind that others may not be willing to accept your story and may reject it.
I have had conversations with my mother, imagining she is standing in front of me, telling her how angry and hurt I was at her behaviour. I found that helpful. Others report the same experience. Again it can be helpful to have that conversation in a counselling session where it can be witnessed. I often guide people through doing this and then assist with letting the words go.
Another approach is to write a letter to your abuser, telling them everything you want to say to them. After writing the letter you can post it. Alternatively you can tear the letter up. Another approach is to burn the letter. I burned the letter I wrote to my mother.
Other people like to hold small ceremonies to express what they need to say about their abuser and letting them go.
Drawing or painting can be a way to let go of that person and express what you need to about them. Again I painted my feelings towards my mother and then burned what I had painted.
WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO EXPRESS YOUR TRUTH
It is important to express what you need to express to your abuser. This allows you to move on in life and live without their energy impacting on you. You deserve to be free.
WHERE YOU CAN GO FOR HELP
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with speaking your truth about your abuser and living a life free of their energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz