One thing that strikes me about grief is that our society has taken grief away from being a normal part of life and turned into something pathological.
But grief is a natural, normal process. It is not something we avoid, run from or race to get over.
The reality is your life is changed by loss. That is unavoidable.
I HAVE EXPERIENCED GRIEF AND ITS AFTERMATH
I write as one who has experienced multiple losses in my life and has grieved. I have experienced the way this world tries to turn a natural process into something wrong. I have experienced being told what is normal to experience after a loss. I have been helped by healthy people who helped me understand that I wasn’t mad, but perfectly normal.
I know what it is to cry at times when it is not socially acceptable, when other people feel uncomfortable.
I know what it is to find myself totally unable to manage simple tasks and to just want to crawl into bed, close the door and tell the world to go away.
I know what it is to lose my sense of self, to feel life is out of control, to feel inexplicably depressed, to question the very meaning of life, to wonder who I am now because I just can’t work it out.
I know what it is to want to tell this person about something that just happened and then remember that I can’t because they are no longer alive.
I know what it is like to have my experience ignored by others, to be told by people when I summon the courage to tell them I miss the dead person (who died only a month ago) that I need to see someone because that is not normal.
I know what it is like to grieve for a person that no one around me knew so no one else can understand who the person I have lost was.
I know what it is like to never hear the person I loved mentioned by anyone, even people who knew them, as though they never existed.
I get it, but that is my journey, and I am talking about yours.
THERE IS NO SOLUTION TO GRIEF
I hate that many people, including some mental health practitioners will tell you that you need to “move on”. That you need to “buck up”. That they have the solution.
I do know you need to be seen, that your grief needs to be acknowledged. That you need support and empathy.
I know that you need to learn how to carry this burden and that you can develop the mental and emotional muscles to carry it for the rest of your life.
DEATH HURTS
Death out of order is devastating.
Death is life altering.
When you know someone is dying it is not the same as when they actually die. But the pain of knowing it is coming is a completely different experience.
Death changes everything.
Your life and trajectory, the future you anticipated evaporates.
Your world disintegrates and you are left with a crumbled mess that doesn’t make sense.
UNHELPFUL RESPONSES HAPPEN
People will offer all manner of platitudes and shut downs.
Others will tell you the story of their grief, not realising they have taken away the thing that is most important for you now, your current reality. And that reality is important. People will often share their grief story because they want to connect and let you know they get it. Sadly it often becomes a competition to learn whose grief was worse.
Of course others have been bereaved and experienced grief. But their grief is not yours. The circumstances, the relationships, the personalities are different. It is better for others to acknowledge they have experienced grief and leave it at that.
Of course at some time you may want to know how they handled something, or coped with another issue. It is okay then for them to answer that question.
EVENTUALLY YOU MAY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE GRIEF OF OTHERS
At another time you may want to join a group of people who share their grief stories. It can feel less lonely. It can help to feel like your experience is more usual and you are not mad. But this is something to do when you are ready, not to be forced on you when you are first grieving.
GRIEF IS A LIFE EXPERIENCE THAT CHANGES YOU
It is most important to remember grief is not a problem to be solved or fixed. It is not an illness. It is a life experience.
Here is a fact. All life experiences change you.
GOOD AND BAD PAIN
Sometimes people feel pain and will describe it as “good” pain. It is worth remembering that. Not all pain is awful, although some certainly is.
As a society we are taught that pain is bad. Because grief hurts, we believe it is bad. So there is a belief, held by some in the mental health field as well, that grief is something you get over as soon as possible. That there is something wrong and not normal about grief and it needs to be healed.
AT THE “END” OF GRIEF THERE IS A NEW YOU
Grief is normal. We love and we grieve when what we love is gone.
You integrate loss into a life that has become a walk each day next to and with your loss. So the old you ceases to exist. Don’t forget to grieve that too.
Grief is life altering. Grief throws your reality into chaos.
DODGING THE MESSAGES UNTIL THE NEW YOU SURVIVES
You will be bombarded with messages. Some helpful and loving. Others unhelpful and unaffirming. You will feel embarrassed at not coping in public. You will find it hard to function. You will have good moments and bad moments.
In the end you will survive. You will be a new you. You will always carry that grief. But you will survive.
DO YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR JOURNEY?
If on that journey you need to talk to someone who will not shut you down, or tell you that you are defective, I am available.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
I am available for face to face sessions on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland or via zoom.
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz