Victor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, author, and Holocaust survivor, wrote that we human beings are meaning making. He wrote this after witnessing people dying in the concentration camps.
When you think about it, it is true.
Making Meaning Is Difficult
That said, Making meaning out of the death of a loved one is really difficult. So many losses feel meaningless and unfair.
I see many people who struggle with this.
My Role In Your Grief Journey
My role as a counsellor is not to “fix” your grief and give you meaning for it.
My role as your counsellor is to walk alongside you as you experience the intense pain and confusion of your loss. To be present while you deal with the desperate fight/flight response in your body.
My role is to be a witness to your story and help you feel empowered to share it with others if you wish to do so. Your story is important but often the opportunities for your story to be heard are few.
I can also help you express the parts of your story that cannot be told in words by giving you the opportunity to use art and movement.
Handling The Questions
I can help you as your struggle with the many questions you have.
Working with you in your grief is a privilege. It is a time of tenderness, sadness and poignancy.
Why I Care
I have experienced personally how hard it is to grieve in a society that seeks to shut down grief.
As a nurse I witnessed the pain of grieving families and felt frustrated at the ways their grief was shut down by others.
My desire is to give you the support I wish I had received.
I hate the fact you may have been shut down and told you are mad, or need medications because you are still in pain.
How I Want To Help You
I want to sit with you and tell you that you are perfectly normal.
I want to tell you that you can cry as much as you need to.
I want you to find a place of sanctuary where you can experience you grief and find a way to hold your hurt, heal and grow.
I want to remind you to have compassion for yourself. The journey is hard and you need to cut yourself some slack as you negotiate this new reality.
I want you to learn to honour your feelings and honour your needs.
I want to teach you how to use your self compassion to move through your deep suffering without giving in to despair or self blame.
I want to teach you how you can use touch to soothe yourself when things are overwhelming.
My Own Experiences
Over the years I have learned to share, when appropriate, my own experiences. I am not ashamed at how hard it has been to grieve. I am proud of the way I survived and grew through the experience. I am proud of the way I continue to manage that grief.
I may tell you, if it seems appropriate, that I have been there too and have experienced that disorientation. I too have thought I was going mad. I too have found no one to support me.
Being Present For You
I don’t have good answers for you. I can’t tell you why your loved one died.
However I can be present for you. I can provide a space of care and safety where you can share your pain and be supported. A space where you can feel life isn’t as crazy as you thought.
Finding Meaning … Or Not
As for the search for meaning. I don’t think the meaning is necessarily about finding meaning in the death of your loved one. I think the meaning is often in you finding the meaning of that loss in your life.
The meaning you may find in the loss of your loved one is very personal. It may also take time to find. I have seen people who decided to try a new venture because they realise life is too precious to waste time in being frightened to try new things. That is the meaning they found in their loved one’s death.
This person you loved. The one who is now gone. They existed. They were part of your life. An important part of your life. They laughed and cried. You looked into their face. You heard their voice. You have so many memories of them, all with emotions attached. Now all you have are memories that appear to be fading.
Being Prepared Never Happens
Rarely is someone’s death something you are ready for.
There are always questions, what ifs, if onlys.
You are in pain and you can’t see an end to it.
I Give You Permission
You have permission to be affected by this death. You have permission to be sad. You have permission to be angry. You have permission to find that every time you remember this person there is now pain attached to that memory. You have permission to feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.
You are allowed to grieve as long as you need. You also have permission to decide one day you are going to move on to a different stage in your life. You are going to change your relationship with your grief.
You do reach a point where you realise that it is important to honour the person you have lost and to honour what their presence in your life was. Part of that honouring is acknowledging how much it hurt to lose them. Another harder part is imagining a future that they are not in.
Amber
Let me tell you the story of Amber*.
Amber told me that she realised one day that the love she felt for her loved one was forever, not just while they were both on this earth together. That she will always be able to love her lost loved one.
Amber was able to look at the future and think about what her lost loved one might have wanted for her for the future, whether they were in it or not.
Once she realised this, she was able to feel okay to remember. To see the memories as precious moments to smile about and remember fondly.
Strolling To The “Finish Line”
It is possible to find meaning, but not immediately. Grief is not a rush to reach that finish line, but instead a series of steps, halting at first, that may gain momentum as time goes on or may always be slow and hesitant.
Finding meaning is something that may come later, much later when the acute pain of grief has begun to settle. And if you are never aware of finding that meaning. That is okay too. Not everyone does.
Remember, everyone grieves differently.
*not her real name – in fact any identifying information including possibly gender has been removed to protect their confidentiality
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with finding meaning in your loss or more importantly with your grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz