In the 1970s the work of Elisabeth Kubler Ross became very popular in bereavement circles. Her initial book was the result of research into the way people managed psychologically with their own death.
In the book Elisabeth described stages people went through. Here is where semantics became a problem. Stages tend to be perceived as something sequential that has to be worked through from 1 to 2 to 3 and so on. But Elisabeth never intended this to be a rigid progression of experiences. She observed that people would move backwards and forwards through these experiences.
It didn’t take long for her work to be adapted to not just the dying but those who were grieving the loss of a loved one. The research had never looked at the experiences of the loved ones of those who were dying, just those who were dying. So there were problems with applying this model to the grieving.
OUR PERCEPTION OF GRIEF HAS BEEN INFLUENCED BY A BOOK ON THE EXPERIENCE OF DYING
But the idea of stages and the need to process death has become pervasive and generally people consider this is what they have to do and become distressed if they feel they are not moving through these stages properly. Some less well educated practitioners in the medical and mental health fields can also fall for this perception and label people who come to see them as being defective because they aren’t moving through these stages properly.
I have lost count of the number of people referred to me because a medical or mental health practitioner has considered they are not progressing properly through their extremely recent grief. A lot of people are sent to me less than a month after the loss! I would not expect anyone that early after the grief event to be making any arbitrary “progress”.
SOME INFORMATION ON GRIEF
Lets have a discussion about grief. Maybe I can help you dispel some of the myths about grief.
SOME DEFINITIONS OF GRIEF:
• Deep or violent sorrow or keen regret
• Emotional suffering that is experienced after a loss. Hard to be put into words although there is a strong need to put it into words so that it can be expressed and shared.
• The personal experience of a loss
• Mourning is a process that occurs after and as a result of a loss
• Mourning is an expression of grief
• Mourning is psychologically referred to as mental and emotional “work” that occurs after the loss of a significant person through death. Or any loss actually.
• Automatic reaction to the loss of someone or something to which you are attached.
SOME FEELINGS YOU MAY EXPERIENCE IN GRIEF:
• Shock
• Emotional release
• Sadness
• Depression
• Isolation
• Anger
• Hostility
• Idealisation
• Confusion
• Guilt
• Relief
• Gradual letting go of what you have lost
• Gradual return to what you consider a more “normal” life
• Be able to acknowledge reality
• Establish a new way of living
• Your own unique way of grieving
• And many more
THEORIES ABOUND AROUND GRIEF
There are a lot of theories about this normal process and they have influenced how mental health workers approach grief. These are summarised into four different theoretical areas:
- Emotional sickness to be avoided (!!!!)
- Psychological reality to face and accept
- Process of psychological growth and transition to a better life
- Set of developmental tasks to be fulfilled.
EMOTIONAL SICKNESS!!!
The first theory that influences how members of society perceive death, and also how many mental health practitioners perceive death, is so wrong. Death is a normal part of life and it is normal to be sad, disoriented and preoccupied by your reaction to death or the loss of anything important in your life.
Reality to face and accept (mmm)The second theory is okay. Yes, losing someone or something we love and have a deep attachment to is devastating and does need to be processed in order to move on. So the reality of what has happened does need to be accepted eventually and we do need to face this reality. Although our brains usually protect us from full on facing the reality by offering up distractions so we don’t overload our brains.
PSYCHOLOGICAL GROWTH AND TRANSITION TO A BETTER LIFE (??)
The third theory is better. We do grow psychologically as a result of processing grief. I am not sure that it is fair to say you transition to a better life. Can life without your loved one actually be better? Maybe you just transition to a life without them that can be fulfilling and meaningful.
TASKS, TASKS, TASKS
The fourth theory is very task oriented. That puts a lot of pressure on people to feel they have a checklist of tasks to complete in order to grieve “successfully”.
SO YOU HAVE COME TO SEE ME ABOUT YOUR GRIEF
Another way of approaching grief is to consider that a mental health practitioner use theories, skills and their own intuition to help the grieving person learn to live their entire life effectively.
A HELPFUL WAY TO PERCEIVE YOUR GRIEF
Most people find it helpful to perceive their grief as a time to:
- Accept the reality of what they have lost
- Work through the pain of their grief
- Adjust to an environment without the person or object they have lost
- Develop a new way of being that allows them to be with the pain of their loss but also be able to continue living. This often involves finding a new meaning in their life
CLEAR AS MUD?
Sometimes you do need to talk. After all, I earlier mentioned that one definition of grief is that it is something that needs to be expressed and shared.
Maybe you can find that space to do that.
Often it is difficult. It is hard to discuss your grief with people who also loved this person. That can make it hard for you to say what you need to say.
Sometimes well meaning friends will say what they think are helpful things to say:
• It’s all for the best
• You should be over it by now
• Your loved on wouldn’t want to see you this way
• You must be strong for your children, your mother, your father etc.
• Best not to talk about it, just get over it and move on with life.
• The sooner you forget the better
• And so on.
DO YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE?
So you may find you need to talk to someone who will listen and let you express what you need to. Someone who will tell you that you are not going mad. Someone who will tell you that you aren’t getting over things too slowly. Someone who will know how to help you if you do find yourself stuck.
On those occasions you need to see a grief trained practitioner.
I CAN HELP
I am trained in working with grief. if you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz