Author: nanc

Your traumatised brain is stuck in a difficult place.

To heal you need to be able to identify and feel your feelings. But in doing that you can find yourself in a very scary, dysregulated state.

Mindfulness is really helpful for learning to feel, but it can risk throwing you into dysregulation.

I have read that our dysregulated brains are like a possum that has been bitten by a spider and is now in a lot of pain. The possum will not sit still an experience the pain. It is like when we hit our thumb with a hammer and jump up and down and shake our thumb to cope with the pain. The possum will leap from branch to branch. I cannot be still as it seeks relief from the pain it is in. It is in effect trying to run from its pain.

The possum, like us, has a brain that is primed to react to threats in automated ways. If the possum was able to sit and think it over, it would realise its pain comes from a spider. If it did, it would move away and maybe shake or lick the sore part. As the possum’s danger system has engaged, it is not capable of sitting quietly and analysing the situation. Its survival depends on it automatically acting based on past experiences.

This is pattern matching in action. Our brains match roughly to an existing pattern. The roughness of the match allows for variations in situations that are dangerous so we can identify danger quickly and escape from it.

Our brains are working very fast. They make guesses about the danger.

The only way to disable these existing patterns is to be able to identify and process the feelings and emotions during calm times. Some entrenched patterns take a long time to identify and process. They may even need more specialised treatments such as EMDR to disable them. But it is possible to chip away at many patterns in therapy.

This is where mindfulness is helpful.

Mindfulness allows you to explore feelings in your body while also maintaining an awareness of your body’s reaction to this exploration. It allows you to know when to stop and pull back from exploration.

With mindfulness you can in time learn to identify the thought patterns and feelings that accompany dysregulated states. You can learn when to pull back from a situation that is triggering before you are out of control. You can also use mindfulness to identify and process the thought patterns and feelings that feed this out of control reaction.

Mindfulness is not something you can pull out when in a highly stressed state. You need to practise regularly and at times when you feel safe. Then you can learn how to use mindfulness in more highly stressed times.

With mindfulness you train your attention by paying attention to a simple object, such as the breath. In the practise you learn to pay attention to your breath and return to that attention on the breath when your mind wanders.

3 STEPS IN PRACTISING MINDFULNESS

This is a quick practise you can do daily to help train your attention. I usually suggest the breath because it is easy to do. If you find focusing on your breath is a trigger then choose an object to focus on.

1. Posture. Sit comfortably on a seat that is firm enough to support you in an upright position and close enough to the floor that you can place your feet flat on the floor. Try to support your own spine as you sit. In other words, try not to lean back on the chair. Place your hands on your thighs palms down. You may either close your eyes or leave them open. If you leave them open then look down into your lap or in front of you just a short distance away.
2. Breath. Notice your breathing. Feel it moving in and out of your body. Just notice its rhythm and flow. Feel the breath in your belly. Feel the movements of your belly as you breathe in and out. You don’t have to deep breathe, although it is helpful if you can practise breathing into your belly. This trains you to breathe into the base of your lungs, which is calming. Just allow your breath to happen. Don’t count your breaths, how long your breath in or out and how long a gap you leave between the in and out breaths. Just breathe.
3. Wandering. You will find your attention will wander away from the breath. Or you may start thinking too much about your breath. Or you may start judging your breathing. Just acknowledge your mind has wandered and just bring your attention back to the sensation of the air moving in and out of your body and your body moving as air enters and leaves it. Don’t judge yourself for your mind wandering. You will do it a lot at first. Even when you have become good at focusing there will be days when you are more distracted than others and your mind wanders. Remember. When you notice your mind has wandered you are already being mindful. Great mindfulness to notice your wandering mind. Choose to come back to focus on your breath.

How long should you do this for? Practise Daily. Start simply. Set a kitchen timer, or your phone/watch to time you. Do it during ad breaks on the television. Or when waiting at a red light. Start off with small and over time you can work up to longer. Maybe 5 minutes.

Make the practise easy to do so you will be more inclined to practise.

In time, you will become so accustomed to this mindful attention that you will be able to start noticing what your body is feeling and be able to learn how to identify when something is triggering you and you need to take measures to prevent yourself being thrown into a fight/flight response.

Always do this with the support of a trauma trained counsellor who can help you learn how to be safe with your feelings.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning how to be safe and notice what your body is telling you, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Losing someone to suicide is different to any other type of loss.

Why?

It is sudden, usually unexpected and often violent. And it is not at the hand of another person, as with murder, but at the hand of the one who has died.

Such a death is shocking and traumatic.

It makes no sense.

It can take years to accept that it makes no sense.

After such a terrible loss your beliefs about life are shattered.

You can understand someone getting sick and dying. You can understand an accident. But understanding how someone can take action to end their life is so hard to comprehend and understand.

If you witnessed the person taking that action, or were the one who found them that is so much harder. That is traumatising. Many people with this experience who come to see me report dreaming about finding their loved one and having flashbacks to finding them.

Anyone who lost a loved one in this way can dream about how their loved one died, or looked, as their imagination fills in areas of no or little information.

If you have lost a loved one this way you may have noticed people are less supportive than if you have lost a loved one differently. Many people don’t know what to do or say. There are also many taboos and fear around suicide.

The source of a lot of this fear is the uncertainty of trying to keep someone from killing themselves. Sometimes families are aware that their family member is suicidal and try desperately to keep them alive. Counsellors of suicidal people also worry about keeping them alive. It is a stressful time.

For those who had no warning their loved one was suicidal there is the sense that they failed to notice their loved one’s state of mind.

The reality is that all the best suicide experts in the world cannot keep someone from suiciding. This is something out of our control.

That is hard to accept.

I frequently debrief families and colleagues of a person who has suicided and all say the same things to me:

• Why didn’t I see it?

• I thought they were sad, why didn’t I talk to them/get help/stop them.

• I thought they were getting better.

• They express shock, disbelief and horror at what has happened.

I always tell them that it is impossible to predict when someone is planning to kill themselves.

You can get people help, and usually if they were appearing to be down someone has arranged help, but it is up to the person to utilise that help.

It is impossible to know just what is going on in another person’s mind. The idea of someone being so down that death seems a viable option is horrifying. You can ask a person if they are feeling suicidal and they may honestly answer you. They may not.

You are not to blame for the choices your loved one has made.

You want to know why they did it. You will probably never know. You will spend the rest of your life wondering, but you will never know.

Somewhere in all this confusion and turmoil you will find strengths to survive this. Do seek help, one of the biggest risk factors for suicide is being bereaved by suicide. See seeking counselling help as one of the strengths you possess.

The 4 strategies I use when working with you, and ones you can learn to use on your own later, are:

1. Safety.

This involves finding a imaginary space where you can feel safe. This is where you can go when things seem overwhelming.

People imagine all manner of spaces where they feel safe. Often they are spaces where the person has felt safe in the past. Do you have a space where you have felt safe and could utilise now?

2. Grounding

Grounding is connecting to the earth. Feeling yourself supported and energised by the energy of the earth. Feeling the safety of your connection to the earth.

I may teach you exercises to ground yourself.

3. Mindfulness

Being aware of your thoughts and feelings is important. Part of mindfulness is noticing these feelings and thoughts, naming them, and learning to only engage with them when you are able to.

This allows you to work through the difficult and painful process of grieving. It allows you to choose the times when you feel ready to deal with this pain. It will take time, and you will not always be able to control this, but over time learning mindfulness will help you take control of your life and learn to live with your loss.

With mindfulness, you will be able to learn to be with your difficult thoughts and emotions in a controlled way that allows you to process them.

4. Window of Tolerance

The Window of Tolerance is where you can feel in control of your emotions and actions and are able to cope with things that happen to you.

Being bereaved, especially by suicide, is going to throw you outside your Window of Tolerance a lot. Any time you find yourself crying uncontrollably. Any time you feel you can’t cope with going to work, leaving the house, going home, and so on, you are moving outside your Window of Tolerance.

In time you do move back into that Window space. Feeling so out of control is not permanent. It is just an aspect of bereavement. Understanding this is only temporary is helpful.

It is also possible for you to learn how to get back into that Window space as you grieve.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to live with the suicide loss of your loved one, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

      "Grandma how do you deal with pain?"

      "With your hands, dear. When you do it with your mind, the pain hardens even more."

      “With your hands, grandma?"

      "Yes, yes. Our hands are the antennas of our soul. When you move them by sewing, cooking, painting, touching the earth or sinking it into the earth, they send signals of caring to the deepest part of you and your soul calms down.

      This way she doesn't have to send pain anymore to show it.

      "Are hands really that important?"

      "Yes my girl. Thinking of babies: they get to know the world thanks to their touches. When you look at the hands of older people, they tell more about their lives than any other part of the body. Everything that is made by hand, so is said, is made with the heart because it really is like this: hands and heart are connected. Masseuses know this: When they touch another person's body with their hands, they create a deep connection. Thinking of lovers: When their hands touch, they love each other in the most sublime way."

      “My hands grandma... how long haven't I used them like that!"

      "Move them my girl, start creating with them and everything in you will move. The pain will not pass away. But it will be the best masterpiece. And it won't hurt anymore. Because you managed to embroider your essence."

      - Elena Barnabé

I read this beautiful narrative some years ago.

It has guided me in my work with those who are grieving a loss.

I have noticed that many people who are grieving keep their hands still.

When I encourage even gentle, creative movements of the hands, their pain starts to feel more controllable and less overwhelming.

I often use art as a creative hand movement with people who come to see me.

On occasion I guide people through gentle movements of the hands to music.

If you can play a musical instrument you can play that. Many people find that soothing.

One memorable client became part of a drumming group.

The wisdom of the grandmother in Elena Barnabé’s story was great.

Creative movements with the hands will help heal the heart.

Why don’t you try it?

Grab a piece of paper and something to draw or colour with and drawer swirls of colour, shapes, anything you want.

Or move your hands to a piece of music you love to hear or make that music.

Or you could even join a drumming group.

Despite all efforts to dismiss emotions as unnecessary and best ignored, they hold great power over our behaviour and our state of well being.

We have emotions that make us feel happy and safe. Emotional states we never want to leave.

We have emotions that overwhelm us and leave us feeling totally out of control. These are the ones we wish never to experience again.

But these overwhelming emotions are important if we are to break their hold on us.

Overwhelming emotions are usually accompanied by stories, or parts of them anyway. These stories are the traumatic times in our lives. Times when we felt alone, friendless, unsupported and undefended.

There is the story of the girl facing a scary monster that has terrorised her for years. When she comes face to face with it, she discovers it is tiny. It wasn’t as hard to deal with as she thought.

It is like this with those overwhelming emotions. Much as you want to ignore them there is a benefit in standing and acknowledging they exist. There is a benefit in exploring those dark places of overwhelming emotions.

Feeling these emotions is uncomfortable and painful. This pain is felt in the same brain area as physical pain. So those emotions are no lightweight exploration.

It is difficult to explore overwhelming emotions. We are taught in this society that we don’t have problems. Have you ever noticed that in learning a foreign language the first words you are often taught are: “Hello, How are you?” “I am well thank you and you?”. A not so subtle message that we are never to answer in a negative way.

And when you go to discuss a problem with someone you will often find them brushing your problems aside or finding an excuse to leave.

Another problem with overwhelming emotions is that many people are taught to fear these emotions. These are bad emotions you must never experience. Emotions such as sadness and anger are stigmatised as bad. No surprise then that many people are frightened of those emotions in themselves and others.

Another problem with overwhelming emotions is that we are taught to put them aside in case we upset someone else. Instead we are expected to put another person’s emotions ahead of our own. That if we “upset” another person we are bad.

As a result, you may have learned to suppress the overwhelming emotions. Of course, this doesn’t work. It only makes them stronger and harder to control. They may go away for a time but in the darkness of suppression they fester and grow. In the meantime, those undercurrents of emotion add to your stress levels. They alter your perception of other people and what is happening around you. They make you depressed or anxious. Suppressing negative feelings only worsens them.

Emotions are important for us. They are flags that nudge us to continue a pleasurable activity, or leave a dangerous situation, or right a wrong.

Emotions help us process grief, a traumatic event, the sadness of an ended relationship. When acknowledged and attended to, they help us maintain good mental health.

A word of caution. Overwhelming emotions are difficult to explore if you don’t have helpful skills to calm yourself. If you don’t have those skills, then it is essential you see a trauma trained therapist who can teach them to you.

Even if you do have calming skills, it is important to have a trauma trained companion to support you in facing these emotions. This is where the trauma trained therapist can be helpful. They can then support you through the exploration of those overwhelming emotions.

We are made for connection. That is how our brains are wired. Despite our society teaching us that overwhelming emotions are bad and should not be discussed, we actually need to talk about them. This is where a trauma trained therapist can provide that connection. In that space you can face those overwhelming emotions and know you will be supported and accepted.

—

I am a trauma trained counsellor. I know how to teach you the skills you need to calm yourself. I am also able to support you in facing these emotions. I can be a safe connection for you as you face those emotions. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your overwhelming emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

In my work with grieving people, I find two responses to the pain of grief.

One group of people accept the pain and work with it.

The other group of people run away from the pain.

Many years ago, I read a story about teams installing electricity poles. The most dangerous time in the entire installation is when the pole has been placed in the ground. It is in these moments before the pole is secured that it is most likely to fall over. The instinct should this happen is to run away from the falling pole. But the installers are taught the safest response is to run towards the pole and put their hands on it.

This is a great metaphor for pain. We instinctively run away from pain. We dare not look at a wound for fear of what we might see. We don’t want to be frightened by the reality of what has happened. We don’t want to feel the pain because we are frightened it will be too much for us to handle.

But to heal, we need to know what the wound is. We need to accept the wound. We need to examine the many elements of the wound.

To explain this, I am going to use the metaphor of a physical wound.

I once cut the side of my finger on a mandolin slicer. I immediately wrapped my hand in a tea towel and pressed on it. I didn’t know what I had done, or how bad it was. All I knew is that there was blood everywhere and it hurt but was also numb.

Eventually I decided I needed to look at my finger.

I unwrapped the tea towel, expecting the profuse bleeding to recommence.

Fortunately there was not too much blood coming out of the wound. I was able to see that I had not cut the edge of my finger off, but there was a very deep cut that ran into the edge of my fingernail.

I realised the wound was not as serious as I had imagined.

Because I was able to look at the wound I was able to reassure myself and treat the wound. As a nurse, I knew I needed to examine and treat the wound to allow good healing.

Some years later I sprained my ankle badly and was told not to put weight on it until it was healed. When the time came to put weight on my ankle, I was frightened to do it. I remembered that my foot was excruciatingly painful to put weight on when I had first sprained it. I was afraid of experiencing pain. But I did put weight on it and discovered that it no longer hurt to do that.

In the end, it was my fear of experiencing pain that held me back from walking on my ankle again.

If we take these metaphors and apply them to the terrible wound of grief we can see that there is initially an overwhelming outpouring of pain. The pain is raw and there is some numbness there too.

It is not possible to look at or examine the wound. We are in shock.

But over time the shock eases and we can start to explore the wound.

We can overcome our fear of feeling pain and see exactly what the wound is. We can change our attitude to the wound. Once we do that we can heal it.

Buddhist philosophy says that most suffering is caused by our attitude to a wound, not the wound itself. In fact the more we resist our pain, the more we suffer.

It is human nature to make meaning of everything. But we don’t like the meaning to be too complicated, or too random. We want there to be a cause, someone or something to blame. We want there to be someone who will be punished for the event. If there is no one to blame, then life is random and that is really hard to accept. We prefer certainty not uncertainty.

In order to heal, you need to accept the painful wounds of grief.

You need to accept your responsibility in the wound and in healing it.

You need to accept how life is now.

Yes, when you explore your wounds it is unpleasant and painful.

But for healing to occur it is what you must do.

You need to explore your pain, your attitude to the pain and you need to find how to live with the pain.

When you do this, the pain reduces and you find the strength to continue living and heal.

—

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with being able to run towards the hurt of grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

It may seem like a no brainer. But for many people facing grief there is a belief that they will “get over it” quickly and in a lovely straight progression.

If only!

Unfortunately grief is not like that.

It is more like a twisting tangle that progresses and regresses, that goes up towards your goal of “getting over it” and down towards the original pain.

This is what my two “Demeter’s Journey” groups have been discussing.

All of them agreed their experience of grief was not the straightforward “recovery” they expected it to be.

That idea is so pervasive in our culture, that most of the group felt they were failing or were mentally ill because they were not experiencing a straightforward “recovery”

It was such a relief to them to know they were experiencing the ups and downs, the forward steps and backward steps, the going around in circles, of the rest of the group.

As many have said to me, “I thought I was going mad. Now I know I am just like everyone else.”

All the group participants found it useful to see a counsellor, someone knowledgeable about grief and objective, who could listen without judgement.

The reality of grief is that it is never a straight line.

And that is perfectly okay.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your path of grief recovery, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Next year I will be running Demeter’s Journey again on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland. If you are interested in being part of that, please email me.

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

There are many occasions in life when you can’t attend a funeral.

With COVID restrictions, that has stopped many people. Yes, you can often watch the funeral online, but it doesn’t allow you to share your thoughts with other people or feel the atmosphere of being present at the funeral.

There are other things that stop you attending funerals:

• Not having the money to pay for airfares to attend a funeral.

• Being unable to take time off work.

• The funeral being for close family, when you aren’t close family.

• Not knowing the person has died until after the funeral.

• Being too sick to attend the funeral.

• Not being recognised as a having a valid reason to mourn the person.

• And so on.

These are just some of the things that stop you attending the funeral of an important person in your life.

I have often had clients who have been unable to attend the funeral of someone important to them.

So what can you do to say goodbye?

One of the most important things to consider when saying goodbye is what the person meant to you.

What was it you liked/loved about them?

If you think about them, what is something about them that seems important, or makes you smile?

Is there some place that reminds you of them, or that you know they loved going to?

Do you have any rituals that you use to say goodbye to people you have loved?

Here are some of the ways clients of mine have said goodbye to loved ones.

• Light a candle a day for a number of days. I have had many people do this, the number of days varies according to their culture.

• Write a poem about the person, read it out and say goodbye.

• Write a letter to the person then read it out. You could light a candle while you are doing this or go to a place that you feel represents the person you are commemorating.

• Get together with other people who knew the person and celebrate their memory.

• Visit a place they loved to go to and say goodbye there.

• Write a letter to the person and post it. You can address it to any place you want and if you don’t leave a return address on it, it will never return.

• Draw a picture, paint a picture, make an artwork that represents the person.

• Imagine you are sitting with them and talk to them, then say goodbye.

• Buy or make something that represents that person to you and display it in your home.

• Make a memory box and put notes, items that remind you of the person, photos and so on in the box.

• Write on their social media page, saying goodbye.

• Share stories about the person with your own friends/family members.

There are many more ways to say goodbye.

The important thing is to allow yourself to acknowledge your loved one/friend’s death and to give yourself the opportunity to commemorate their life and the end of their life in a way that is meaningful to you.

You may also like to remember them on birthday’s, the anniversary of their death, and so on.

There are many things in life that traumatise children, from the death of a loved family member or pet, the loss of a house due to fire, being in a natural disaster, a car accident, bullying at school, being in a domestic violence situation, parents separating, and many more.

Despite all the claims that children are resilient and aren’t really affected by these things, this is not true. With the proper support children can grow and recover after a traumatic event. Without the proper support this is unlikely to happen.

Here are 5 do’s for parenting your traumatised child:

1. Are you coping okay? If you are not, get help. Research has shown that children cope best after traumatic events when their parents are calm and appear to be able to handle the situation the family is in. To do that, you may need counselling to assist with your trauma.
2. Create a safe space. Keep a space in your home that is calm. This is a space your child can go to when feeling overwhelmed or frightened. It can contain soft toys, cuddly blankets, pillows, favourite books, anything your child may find calming and helpful. Your child must be able to go there without having to ask or explain. You can calmy tell them it is okay to be there and you are available if they need to talk or have a cuddle but then leave them in the space. Make sure you are nearby and they know you are. Allow them to stay there until they are feeling able to come out. It may be a good idea for you to have a safe space to go to be calm as well.
3. Establish predictability. Have a stable routine so your child can predict what will happen in a day. It may help to write on a board what is happening in the day. Make sure you talk with your child about anything coming up that is different, so they can prepare for it. Predictability feels safe and that is what your child needs.
4. Build of sense of trust. Be trustworthy. Be there for your child. Defend them. Speak up for their needs. Honour your promises to your child. Follow the household routine. If for any reason you cannot follow that, then explain to your child what has happened. If your child tells you something in confidence, then honour that confidence. Don’t tell other people about what they have said. The only exception to that is where it is necessary for your child’s wellbeing. In that case let your child know you have to do that.
5. Offer choices. Allow your child to feel in control in their life. Offer them alternatives whenever possible. Even if it is just whether they want a glass of water now or later, or in this cup or that cup. Give them the opportunity to say no or yes.

The final point is a Don’t. It is:

Don’t punish your child for behaviours that are trauma symptoms.

Trauma symptoms include

• Difficulty with concentration

• Being withdrawn

• Being excessively active

• Getting angry easily

• Crying for no apparent reason

• Answering back, refusing to do what they have been told and other “disobedient” behaviours

• Picking on other people

• Being irritable

• Not doing schoolwork

• Not being hungry

• Not able to sleep

• Appearing to regress, such as a child who is toilet trained not using the toilet.

It is always helpful to get professional help for you and your children. For very small children a specialised child counsellor is best (under 5).

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with coping with the situation or help your older child, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Everyone knows the Elizabeth Kübler-Ross model of grief, even if they don’t know what it is called. This model, which was created to describe the process of dying and later applied to grief, states we experience grief in this order: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s model was useful to open up awareness of death and dying. She challenged people to talk about death, not hide it. She challenged out society to not hide death away. She opened people’s awareness to the experience of dying and grief.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross never intended her description of the dying experience to be turned into a rigid model. A model where you were expected to experience stages in a rigid order. A model that was quickly turned into a rigid model to describe grieving.

Nowhere in this idea that you experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance does it mention a very common experience of many bereaved people.

People describe fear. They describe anxiety. They describe panic attacks. They describe lost confidence. They describe being afraid to leave the house. They describe being afraid to be alone, especially at home.

C. S. Lewis, in his book “A Grief Observed”, written after the death of his wife, stated that he had not known that grief felt so much like fear.

So many people describe fear, anxiety, panic attacks, lost confidence. This fear and anxiety is a common part of the grief experience. Yet it is not recognised.

A lot of the anxiety and fear is due to the destruction of the sense of your world being safe and predictable.

Grief is traumatising. The experience of grief is very much the experience of trauma.

So many people are medicated for their anxiety. They see therapists who work on their anxiety. They feel defective. They sometimes feel they are not grieving properly because they are not following the Elizabeth Kübler-Ross model. They feel shame at what they assume is selfishness. They do not understand their anxiety is part of their grief.

For these people, what they are experiencing is a very natural and normal part of grief.

Elizabeth Kübler Ross’s model has been superseded by many other models of grieving. These models, rather than being adapted from a model of dying, are the result of much research and observation of people who are grieving.

It is also important to note that grief is not just about death. People grieve over the end of a relationship, over moving country, area, house, over losing your job, over being burgled, over losing a precious possession, over losing your health, over losing part of your body, over the death of a pet and many more. Anything you lose can be grieved over.

All people who have experienced a loss and are grieving are likely to be feeling anxiety and fear.

No you are not going mad. You are just grieving.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and anxiety, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

There is great awareness of grief as a loss, but there is a second aspect that is less well known.

Not many people understand this impact of grief.

When someone you love dies, that you that exists in relationship with them dies also.

One of the most important aspects of moving forward with grief is being able to remake your life.

Remake your life without the one you love in it.

How that looks will depend on what your relationship with that person was and how long that relationship has existed.

A man who has been married to his wife for 60 years will have a massive readjustment to make to his life. He will have to learn who he as a single person is. After all, he has been part of a couple for 60 years. It is most likely that 60 years will have been most of his life. If he was very young when he married, he may never have learned who he was as a single adult. This may be the first time in his life he has to do that.

A woman whose brother had died will most likely be struggling to comprehend the loss of a sibling, especially if the relationship was a close one. She will have to learn who she is as a woman without a brother (or one of her brothers).

A woman who has lost her mother will have to learn who she is as a person in her own right. What is often overlooked in our society is that our parents define who we are. So when that parent is gone, she will need to learn who she is and not see herself through her parent’s eyes.

A man who has lost his daughter will have to learn who he is without his child. If she was his only child then he has to learn who he is now he is no longer the parent of a living child.

The woman who has lost a friend has to redefine herself without that friend.

And so on.

It is hard. Understanding who you are now, and making a new life without that person in it is hard. Most people who come to see me report a loss of confidence. They frequently do not understand why.

The lost confidence is due to the loss of a definition in your life. The definition of partner, sibling, child, parent, friend and so on.

If you experience this, please know you are not going mad. You are experiencing a very common consequence of losing the person you love.

When you find yourself grieving and battling with lost confidence, please be kind to yourself.

Tell yourself it is okay. This is a common reaction to grief.

Allow yourself to be less willing to do things you formerly may have done.

You can challenge yourself to do things, but don’t overdo it. Try at least one thing you are now lacking the confidence to do. Congratulate yourself on each little victory of achievement.

Be patient, it takes time to rebuild your sense of self.

Be open to new ideas.

Trust that in time you will build a new sense of self and it will work well.

If you need to, consult a counsellor to assist you with rebuilding your sense of self.

Consider doing a course, either face to face or online. I am building one of my face to face courses into an online course. It is titled “Who Am I” and will be available to Beta Test in the next few months. If you are interested in it you can subscribe to my newsletter which will provide information on the course when it is available. Please see below for subscription information.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey and/or sense of self, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz