May 2024 – PLC Blog

Losing a Child

There is a lot spoken about losing a partner. Less is spoken about losing a parent. But, I have noticed that one of the biggest gaps is speaking about losing a child.

I Am Supposed To Die First

Losing a child is a terrible nightmare for any parent. Children are supposed to bury us, not vice versa.

When the child is under 18 it is even harder to lose them.

Losing A Child To Illness

Today I am going to talk about losing a child to cancer or other illness. However, there are many aspects of the loss of a child that apply to any death of a child.

Many parents report the devastation of learning their child has a life threatening illness.

There are many decisions to make about care. This is in addition to adjusting to the possible loss of the future you had imagined for your child.

The Pain Of Watching Your Child Suffer

To watch your child have to endure endless blood tests, x-rays, MRIs, CT Scans, Ultrasounds, and more is very hard.

One parent who saw me reported the day they decided to end the tests and treatments was when their child just resignedly put their arm out for yet another blood test. They realised the limited time their child had left should not be filled with endless tests that were not going to result in their child living.

Filling Their Bucket List

Instead this parent opted to give their child loads of experiences. They took time out to go to playgrounds, theme parks, zoos, run on the beach, eat different foods, go on boats, planes, helicopters, a balloon ride, ride on a surfboard. The list is endless.

For this parent the priority was their child’s happiness.

Accepting The End

Before making that decision there was hope of survival. Numerous chemotherapy rounds, radiation therapy, hospitals and more hospitals took their toll on the family. The pain of watching their child suffer was unbearable. The only thing that kept them going was the hope their child had a future.

Then comes the time when you realise there is no future. There is no cure. This disease is terminal.

Letting Go

This is when the terrible decision to end treatment has to be made. There are always the “what ifs”. What if this next treatment works? What if they live a few more months? Is it better to live those few more months after some suffering or to give them the best life they can have (which won’t involve the pain of more treatments).

All this decision making involves letting go.

Letting go of hope of a future. Letting go of your child. Letting go of the quantity of life over the dignity of life and death. Allowing your child to be as pain free as possible.

After Your Child’s Death

The aftermath of a child’s death is awful.

At the time of their death you are surrounded by supporters.

There will be some people who stay in touch, who support you and check in. There may be ones who supply meals, or are available to listen. But over time the frequency of support reduces.

Grief hits hard once your time is no longer occupied keeping your child alive.

Even other children in the family, or having another child, does little to relieve the pain.

The Experience Of Grief For A Parent

When you are busy looking after other children and just surviving, it is hard to process your grief.

Many parents describe the following ways grief showed up in their life:

• Being easily irritated

• Experiencing panic attacks

• Chasing after anything that will fill the void, even if meaningless

• Feeling helpless

• Feeling life is futile

• Feeling so very sad

• Missing the hugs and hearing their voice

• Feeling part of you has died

• Finding it hard to face the day

• Feeling you are constantly scaling immense cliffs just to survive a day

• Constant reminders and memories of your child

• Learning to smile through the pain

• Feeling no one else can understand the immensity of your pain

• Frightened of overwhelming others with your pain

• Experiencing despair at the loss of your child.

Learning To Live Again

Many parents tell me they learned to live in the moment as the only way to move on in life.

Over time parents learn to accept the thoughts around their child. All of them. They acknowledge the thoughts and the emotions that come with them.

Joining a support group of other bereaved parents can be very helpful. One thing it does is help the parents to know they are not alone.

It is possible to survive grief. You can learn to keep that grief a little more distant. This distance allows you to process your grief and allow you to change. If you allow grief to change you and empower you then you can become a better person than you were before your child died.

Remember, grief will humble you. Grief will shatter you. Ultimately it will strengthen and empower you.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, at the loss of your child or any other loss you are struggling with, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Grief Will Always Hurt And That Is Okay

I see a lot of people who are tired of grieving. They just want to stop hurting.

Over time, the pain settles a little. You still have moments of pain so deep you feel thrown back into the pain of your early grief. But there are also moments where the pain has become a dull ache.

Your Pain Honours The One You Lost

Hurting over someone’s death is hard. As time goes on experiencing that hurt again is never easy.

I often ask people to look at the pain from a different perspective. What if you looked at the positives of that pain?

The consensus here is that people come to see the pain as a “good ache”. It is that pain that leaves you feeling sad but proves you haven’t forgotten the person you loved.

Most people I see are afraid they will forget the person they loved.

This doesn’t mean you should deliberately hold onto the pain. Let it heal, you will feel it when it comes. And it will come.

A Personal Story

Mother’s Day can be a hard time for those who have lost their mother.

My mother died 2 days after Mother’s Day.

That was 21 years ago.

I was on the other side of the world from my children, so I lost Mother’s Day for myself that year.

Every year since my mother died I have found Mother’s Day painful.

This year it was particularly bad. Then I realised that was because the date of Mother’s Day was the same date as the year my mother died. That means the day she died is the same day of the week also.

It floored me to realise that after all these years I could still experience the pain of grief, even when I wasn’t consciously aware of the days and dates matching that year.

Honouring Your Pain

My mother and I didn’t have a good relationship, but the pain of her death is still there. And it is still there 21 years after her death.

So when the pain of your loved one’s death surfaces, honour it. The pain means you haven’t forgotten.

It also means you have survived your grief and learned to live a new life with it.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

You Are Unique And Your Way Of Responding To Life Events Is Unique Too

One of the biggest worries that is presented to me in sessions is the feeling of having reacted to something the wrong way.

This is so common I thought I would write about it today.

Have you had this happen to you?

Something happens and you feel strong emotions and respond based on those emotions. But then others judge you because they don’t agree with your response. And you feel you were wrong and judge your feelings as being irrational and incorrect.

It is always important in these moments to remember that you are hearing another person’s individual response. It is unique to them and is obviously different to your response.

Even if the other person is backed up in judging your response, it does not make you wrong.

Who you are, and your view of the world, is based on what you have experienced in life. Your authentic reaction to something is correct for you. No two people will react to an event in the same way.

Some people are frightened when people react to things differently to them. They may feel frightened and want to dampen their response. If you don’t do that their fear may drive them to judge you and tell you that you were wrong. That is fear talking, not a judgement on you.

All reactions to events are valid.

Obviously, some reactions are morally wrong and even may be illegal. Assaulting someone is not the right thing. But being angry at them can be valid.

Allow those events where you feel you reacted differently to others to be opportunities for reflection. You can reflect on your feelings and how you reacted. If you were angry with someone you can congratulate yourself on not hitting them but reacting in a more productive way. Just because another person chose to retreat and avoid addressing the situation does not make you wrong. All it does is make you different and unique.

Remember to not take on board other people’s issues. If someone judges you for the way you respond to a situation, don’t take that on board. Don’t own their stuff. It is theirs, give it back to them. Own your stuff because it does belong to you.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with understanding yourself and being okay with yourself, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

8 ways to Cope After Losing A Pet

If you own a pet then you can understand how important they are. How wonderful they are for giving comfort and being there through life’s moments, both good and bad.

Pets, particularly those we can interact with, are there through many important moments in life. We form quote a bond with our pets.

Losing a pet can be as painful as losing a member of your family.

So how do you cope with the loss of your pet?

1. Your Grief Is Real And It Matters

The first thing to remember is that you form a deep, loving bond with your pets and that means you grieve for them deeply. It is not “just a dog, cat, bird and so on”. This is a member of your family. One who shared some amazing moments with you and was a vital part of your life.

It is normal and okay to grieve. If you need to take a day off work then do so. If it was a human no one would think you shouldn’t take that day off.

2. Find People To Support You

You may know many people who have lost their pets, or have pets they love and can empathise with losing that beloved companion. Failing that, there are many groups on social media that you may find. Your family and friends may not understand you, but there are many people out there who will, so keep searching.

3. Your grief is valid.

There are many who will say “it is only an animal” and make you feel wrong for grieving. That sort of person is obviously not a pet lover!

Do allow yourself to grieve. That “only an animal” was a vital part of your life and you had a strong connection to it. Of course you are going to hurt and experience grief.

You need to process this loss as you would the loss of a family member or close friend.

All the feelings you are experiencing are valid. If you had your pet for many years then that pet has been there through many events in your life. That makes its loss even harder.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel.

If you need to cry, then cry.

On the flip side. If you feel okay at the loss of your pet then that is also okay.

4. Seek Ways To Remember Your Pet

Do something that will commemorate your pet’s life. This might involve planting a tree or flowers. It may be a selection of photos. Or you may get a lock of your pet’s fur and a foot print. Or you may have a photo. Creating a piece of art is also effective, as is writing a letter to your pet.

5. Rituals Are Important Too

Some people set aside time to honour their pet. Maybe you might have people come who knew the pet and hold a small ceremony or wake for your pet.

As previously mentioned, planting a tree can be done as part of a ritual.

Many people have their pet cremated and keep the ashes somewhere special where they can honour the pet.

Do what feels important to you.

6. Look After Yourself.

It is important to be gentle with yourself. Any loss is stressful physically and emotionally. It is important at this time to look after yourself.

You may want to take time out.

You may want to be active.

Many people say they go places they used to go with their pet.

Find the people who support you and surround yourself with them.

Make sure you get enough sleep, good nutrition and exercise.

7. Other Pets In The Household Grieve Too

Be aware that other animals may be grieving too.

They can’t express their grief, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel it.

After my 18 year old dog died, my 4 year old dog became very clingy. He hated me leaving.

I know other people report similar impacts with the animals left behind.

Just be aware that this may happen and be prepared to emotionally support the remaining animals.

One benefit of helping your other animals is that it helps you too.

8 Don’t be afraid to seek Professional Support.

Seeking support from a grief trained counsellor is also important. It can help you to realise you are not going mad, that what you are experiencing is common to grief experiences of others.

Remember you won’t ever replace your lost pet, but you can find a new pet when the time is right, if it ever is.

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Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au