Category: Pet

13 Things To Remember When With A Grieving Person

In the past year a lot of my friends have lost their partners. Others have lost family members. Others have lost pets. Not a week has gone by without hearing of a death.

There have been a lot of funerals and a lot of tears.

There has also been resilience and healing.

With one friend whose dog had died I found myself falling into the trap of telling her about my own dog dying because I wanted to console her feeling of guilt at not having acted fast enough to end her dog’s suffering.

That was the wrong thing to do. I didn’t even get to the point of the story before she had quite rightly switched off.

Christmas brought communications from overseas friends and more notifications of deaths.

This got me thinking. Even the most grief trained and educated, when not in our formal roles, can slip up when supporting those who are grieving.

For this reason I decided my first blog of 2025 would be about things we need to remember when with someone who has been bereaved.

Be Mindful

One of the most important things to remember is to be mindful of what you are saying and thinking.

Maintaining awareness of what is happening for you and what you are hearing is very important.

Couple that awareness with questioning. In your mind be curious about your responses and whether they are for you, or the person who is bereaved.

My example of wanting to reassure my friend that she didn’t need to feel guilty about not acting fast enough to end her dog’s suffering is a good one here.

How could I word my reassurance in a way that met her needs? Not mine.

Why did I need to reassure her? Was it for her or because I needed the reassurance myself?

Did she need reassurance? This leads me to my next reminder.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Often when supporting another person you can draw on your own experience to decide what support they need. That is quite normal.

It is always important to be aware that what you needed in a similar situation is not necessarily what the other person needs now.

If the person tells you something, for example “I feel guilty I didn’t take my dog to the vet earlier” then it is okay to offer support around that.

If they didn’t say that but you think that might be how they are feeling then ask them. For example. “from what you are saying I was wondering if you felt guilty you didn’t take the dog to the vet earlier”. They can say yes or no. If yes then you may ask if they would like to talk about that.

Don’t rush in with fix it statements (see heading fix it).

Don’t Offer Sympathy.

Often a person’s story of grief is a big, distressing story. Sometimes it is a very traumatic story.

Don’t get caught up in the story and suffer with that person.

This is sympathy and it can lead to you being very unhelpful.

Instead offer empathy. Listen from a slight emotional distance. This is where mindfulness is important. Listen with that understanding that you are hearing the other person’s story but you are not part of it. This allows you to hear their pain but not immerse yourself in it as well where you are no help to them.

One of my lecturers described the difference between sympathy and empathy with the following analogy:

Do You Jump In The Hole or Put Down a Rope?

My lecturer described sympathy as encountering someone stuck in a hole.

You race to jump in the hole with them. Then you find you are stuck there too. Neither of you can get out.

For the person in the hole, they need to get out, not have someone else there too who they may have to care for as well.

Empathy is seeing the person in the hole and letting a rope down into the hole so they can climb out. You offer them the acknowledgement of their predicament and listen to them. Then you help them to climb out of that hole where they can be outside the hole with the security of someone who is caring and comforting but not drowning in their pain.

Don’t Try to ‘fix’ it

There are many reasons people try to “fix” another person’s grief.

One is that is how they learned as children, watching adults in their life offer platitudes or tell the bereaved person what they should do and how they should feel.

Another is that death is uncomfortable, as is distress. If you are sitting with someone who has been bereaved you are experiencing the shock of the death, the reality of death.

It is an uncomfortable feeling.

Most of us learn as children to run from discomfort or shut it down. And the response to an uncomfortable situation like this is to shut it down.

Another source of discomfort is being in the presence of someone who is distressed. More uncomfortable feeling to shut down.

The tendency is to tell the person to look on the bright side. As if that bright side is the solution to all the pain of grief.

These “fix” it bright side shutdowns include comments like:

• He is in a better place.

• You can always have another child.

• So good you are able to remain together.

• He wouldn’t have wanted to suffer.

It is better to say “I don’t know what to say, but I care and I want to be here for you.”

The Funeral May Be Over But The Grief Is Not

Rushing people to “be over” their grief is incredibly unhelpful and also very ignorant.

Just because the funeral is over does not mean the person is “over” the death. You never get over someone’s death. You learn to live with it, to accept it has happened, but the pain never goes away.

This leads me to my next point. No two grief journey’s are the same.

Don’t Compare

You may have been bereaved yourself. Or you may have other friends who have been bereaved.

It is important to remember that no two people grieve the same and no two bereavements lead to the same grieving.

This means that every one you encounter will grieve differently, even if it is for the same person. It also means that if someone you know has different bereavements they will grieve differently for each one.

One of the ways comparison manifests is to tell your own story to the bereaved person.

It is an easy trap to fall into.

You are not necessarily deliberately comparing, but that is what is amounts to.

My story of the friend grieving her dead dog is a case of inadvertent comparison.

Subtitle The Golden Rule – Never Bring Your Own Experience In Unless You Are Asked.

For the grieving person, your telling your own story is deflecting their pain that they just trusted you enough to share with you, and making it about you.

That may not have been your intent, but that is what happens.

Just acknowledging the other person’s feelings and how difficult it is gives more support than trying to tell your own story.

The Concept of Ring Theory

This is a concept that was developed by psychologists Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.

The grieving person is in the centre of a circle composed of rings.

The next ring outside that person is their closest people, usually a partner. The next ring is family and close friends, then less close friends, acquaintances, and people they don’t know but may come across.

The person in the centre can say anything to those in the circles around them. They can say how sad they are, express frustration, anger, desolation.

The people in the other rings can only offer comfort inwards. That means they can comfort anyone in the rings inside their own, especially the grieving person.

If a person wants to express their own feelings and ask questions, they can only do that to those in rings outside their own.

Support can only be offered to those in rings inside your own.

In other words Support goes in and expressing your own issues goes out.

This is really helpful to remember when interacting with a grieving person.

Don’t Judge

No matter how the person died, no matter what sort of person they were, don’t judge them to those who are grieving them.

This happens often with death by suicide, or accidents where the person was drunk or under the influence of drugs.

It doesn’t matter how the person died. What matters is that those who loved them are hurting. What matters also is that this person, who was full of life, is now dead.

Life is precious and the loss of life is the loss of something very precious. Never forget that when you encounter deaths such as that.

Always Say Their Name Where Culturally Appropriate

It can be hard to talk about someone who has died.

For you this may be painful.

It can also feel uncomfortable to say their name.

You may be afraid of hurting the person who is grieving.

From my experience of grief, and that of friends, it means so much more to hear their name mentioned. To have people talk about them and the things they did.

Don’t be frightened to mention them by name and talk about them. You can always check in first if it is okay to do that.

Be mindful that in some cultures you don’t mention the dead one’s name.

No Empty Platitudes

I have already mentioned empty platitudes. The ones like “They are in a better place”, “You can always have another one” and so on.

When you first learn of someone’s death it is okay to say how sorry you are. Initially, that is all the grieving person is able to cope with.

In time however, if they start talking about their loved one don’t be afraid to say more.

If you are unsure what to say you may tell them you don’t know how to talk about this, that you don’t want to hurt them, that you want them to tell you if you get it wrong. Then listen.

No Seeking More Detail Or Sensationalising The Situation.

It is better not to ask how the person died, or details of how they died if you know the cause of death.

When I counsel grieving people I don’t necessarily seek to know how their loved one died unless it is important. Even then I ask if they mind telling me about their death.

You don’t need to know all the details.

For the grieving person, rehashing the details can be very painful.

People usually know when you have asked out of curiosity or because you care.

To be asked out of curiosity is incredibly painful and isolating.

One thing that is often overlooked is how traumatic it is to be bereaved. When you are with someone who is grieving you need to remember there is the pain of grief and the trauma of their death. Both need to be processed and healed.

Summary

Be careful to use empathy when supporting those who are grieving.

Be mindful of what you are thinking and what you want to say. Ask yourself before saying anything if it is helpful for the grieving person. If it isn’t then don’t say it.

Don’t seek extra information unless they are offering it to you. Sometimes people want to talk about the death, other times not.

Allow space and time for grief to play out.

Remember Ring Theory, offer comfort to those in circles inside your own circle.

If you find someone else’s grief brings up pain for you then seek counselling.

If you are grieving yourself and need help, then seek counselling.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your own grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my
newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

How You And Your Child Can Say Goodbye To A Much Loved Pet

When I was a child, my mother believed it was important for children to have pets because when they died it introduced children to the concept of death.

That is true. But there was no recognition in my mother’s plan of the fact that losing a pet is a grief as devastating as losing a human you love.

So pets died, but it was just like putting packaging from food in the bin. Gone now, what are you upset about?

That was the way that generation dealt with things. This was in the time when it was believed that you had to immediately put the one who had died out of your mind. It was considered unhealthy to grieve.

Death was not talked about, whether pets or humans. The subject was taboo.

To grieve was to be mentally unwell.

Pets Matter

There is a need to acknowledge the death of a pet and to allow yourself the opportunity to grieve for it. It is also important to assist children in the family to grieve for that pet.

If the death of the family pet is the first time a child has encountered death, it is very important this death is handled well. This death and the grief following is a blue print for every death the child will encounter in life.

Preparing Your Children For The Death of a Pet

If the pet dies of old age it is important to acknowledge through the years that the pet is getting older. You can talk about the average life span of your type of pet which sets realistic expectations of how long the pet will live for.

Most pets will die before us, so it is important to acknowledge that and then to acknowledge when they get older.

If your pet is ill it is important to acknowledge that as well and be honest about its chances of surviving this illness. It is okay to not be sure and to be honest about that.

Should Your Child Be Present When the Pet Dies?

This will depend on the age of your child and the way the pet dies. If it is ill and you sit with it as it dies, your child may find it comforting to pat the animal and comfort it.

If your pet is being euthanised your vet may have rules around what age child they are comfortable allowing to be present. It is more confronting to be with a pet that dies this way. If the vet is okay with your child being present, then you need to decide whether you think they have the maturity to cope with this.

Should Your Child See Their Dead Pet?

It can be helpful for a child to see their pet’s body and say goodbye. They may want to hold the pet, touch it or just spend time with it.

What Does “Handling Your Pet Death Well” Look Like?

When a pet dies it is important to involve the entire family in this in an age-appropriate way.

Some people like to have a small ceremony to say goodbye, others may light a candle. Many people put a framed photo of the pet somewhere special. Planting a plant is also special. Some people cremate their pet and scatter the ashes in its favourite place. You may set up a memory box with your pet’s accessories and photos of your pet.

It is important to remember that losing a pet can be traumatic for a child. This is more likely to happen when the child has not encountered death before.

The death of a beloved pet can be confusing and hard to understand. Children are likely to feel sad and may have other feelings such a guilt or even anger.

There are books that you can read with your children to help them with the death of a pet. These books are lovely to read and also offer opportunities to talk about the lost pet.

Books To Read About Pet Death

This is a selection of books that are available. Your local library may have more books.

The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr – about a goldfish who loses his friend. For younger children

Missing Jack by Rebecca Elliott – about a young boy saying goodbye to his pet cat. For younger children.

I’ll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm – about a dog that doesn’t wake up one morning.

Goodbye Mog by Judith Kerr – this beautiful book was a favourite with my children when they were younger. Mog grows old and tired and dies. Her spirit stays around to check up on her family.

The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst is about a boy who writes a list of 10 good things about his cat and how that helps him remember and celebrate the positive memories and accept the reality of Barney’s death.

Dog Heaven and Cat Heaven by Cynthia Rylant – two books covering the death of a dog and a cat.

Jim’s Dog Muffins by Miriam Cohen – the entire class help Jim cope with the loss of his dog. For school aged children.

Goodbye Mousie by Robie H Harris – the emotions of losing a pet. Great for preschoolers.

Saying Goodbye to Lulu by Corrine Demas – the story of a dog who dies of old age. Reassures the reader that in time the pain will ease.

Jasper’s Day by Marjorie Blain Parker – this is helpful if your dog has been euthanised by the vet.

The Forever Dog by Bill Cochran and Dan Andreasen – about the dog that was forever.

The Berenstain Bears Lose a Friend by Stan and Jan Berenstain – about the death of a goldfish. Great to remind children that not all pets are dogs and cats.

Paw Prints in the Stars: A Farewell and Journal for a Beloved Pet by Warren Hanson – this is a story and a journal children can fill out to create their own story about their pet.

What Not To Say

Saying that you can always get another pet is not helpful. It minimises the relationship the other person has with their pet. In time the other person may get another pet, but when they are ready.

Ways To Honour Your Pet

It is important to share stories of your pet’s funny moments.

Be prepared always to offer hugs and be patient with the way your child grieves. If they cry allow them to. Be prepared to listen when they want to talk.

Putting together a book of memories of your pet is also a wonderful way to remember them.

An Example of How To Manage The Death of a Pet

My beautiful dog died two years ago at the age of 18. He had been part of the family since he was 10 weeks old. My children had grown up with him.

As he aged and his health started to fail I kept my now grown-up children informed of his deteriorating health.

When the time came to make the decision to end his suffering I discussed this with all my children and we made the decision together. Then two of my children came with us to the vet and were with him as he died.

In the aftermath we had many times where we talked about him and shared memories of him. His photo, with footprint and lock of fur, sits in the house and we often talk about him. We honour his birthday as well.

So many people I know have done the same when their beloved pet died. If the children are younger it may not be so appropriate to include them in the decision, but if possible you can let them know what is happening.

If the pet becomes ill and the decision is made on the spot to euthanise it, then it won’t be possible to include other family members.

It is important to let them know, preferably in person, and allow them time to react to the news. When they react, honour their feelings.

It is the same principle with the death of a relative. In addition there will often be photos or other memories in the house. Their ashes may also be placed somewhere special in the house. People will also talk about them.

Ways Not To Honour Your Pet

I contrast this to when I was a child and a kitten died while I was at school. When I came home it just wasn’t there. I don’t know what happened to it and it was never talked about again.

Another person I know was told their dog has run away, when it had in fact died. They were distressed looking for the animal and wanting to put up signs about the dog and door knock the local area. They couldn’t understand why their family weren’t interested in looking for the dog. It was a long time before they overheard mention of the dog having died.

Having To Leave Your Pet Behind

A neighbour moving into aged care and having to find a home for her dog reminded me of the difficulties people who are getting older and less capable of caring for themselves have to contend with.

Here is a beloved companion who you can’t take into aged care with you. For many people, their pet has become their constant companion. It gives them a reason to get up in the morning. It is a loving presence that helps you to feel you matter and there is someone there for you.

It is just as difficult if you have to move house and are unable to keep your pet anymore. This is the end of a relationship and you need to grieve for the relationship with the pet and honour it.

You will wonder how your pet is and if it remembers you and misses you. You may also wonder how well it is being cared for.

Those questions are ones you are unlikely to have answered and that is hard. It adds another dimension to the grief you feel at having to leave them behind.

It is important to acknowledge those questions and that sadness. There is always a balance between dwelling on something too much and acknowledging it. The main thing is to admit you have those concerns. Allow yourself to feel sad, then move on with your day. Ultimately you have to trust that your pet has been well cared for.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your child with the death or surrender of a pet, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

8 ways to Cope After Losing A Pet

If you own a pet then you can understand how important they are. How wonderful they are for giving comfort and being there through life’s moments, both good and bad.

Pets, particularly those we can interact with, are there through many important moments in life. We form quote a bond with our pets.

Losing a pet can be as painful as losing a member of your family.

So how do you cope with the loss of your pet?

1. Your Grief Is Real And It Matters

The first thing to remember is that you form a deep, loving bond with your pets and that means you grieve for them deeply. It is not “just a dog, cat, bird and so on”. This is a member of your family. One who shared some amazing moments with you and was a vital part of your life.

It is normal and okay to grieve. If you need to take a day off work then do so. If it was a human no one would think you shouldn’t take that day off.

2. Find People To Support You

You may know many people who have lost their pets, or have pets they love and can empathise with losing that beloved companion. Failing that, there are many groups on social media that you may find. Your family and friends may not understand you, but there are many people out there who will, so keep searching.

3. Your grief is valid.

There are many who will say “it is only an animal” and make you feel wrong for grieving. That sort of person is obviously not a pet lover!

Do allow yourself to grieve. That “only an animal” was a vital part of your life and you had a strong connection to it. Of course you are going to hurt and experience grief.

You need to process this loss as you would the loss of a family member or close friend.

All the feelings you are experiencing are valid. If you had your pet for many years then that pet has been there through many events in your life. That makes its loss even harder.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel.

If you need to cry, then cry.

On the flip side. If you feel okay at the loss of your pet then that is also okay.

4. Seek Ways To Remember Your Pet

Do something that will commemorate your pet’s life. This might involve planting a tree or flowers. It may be a selection of photos. Or you may get a lock of your pet’s fur and a foot print. Or you may have a photo. Creating a piece of art is also effective, as is writing a letter to your pet.

5. Rituals Are Important Too

Some people set aside time to honour their pet. Maybe you might have people come who knew the pet and hold a small ceremony or wake for your pet.

As previously mentioned, planting a tree can be done as part of a ritual.

Many people have their pet cremated and keep the ashes somewhere special where they can honour the pet.

Do what feels important to you.

6. Look After Yourself.

It is important to be gentle with yourself. Any loss is stressful physically and emotionally. It is important at this time to look after yourself.

You may want to take time out.

You may want to be active.

Many people say they go places they used to go with their pet.

Find the people who support you and surround yourself with them.

Make sure you get enough sleep, good nutrition and exercise.

7. Other Pets In The Household Grieve Too

Be aware that other animals may be grieving too.

They can’t express their grief, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel it.

After my 18 year old dog died, my 4 year old dog became very clingy. He hated me leaving.

I know other people report similar impacts with the animals left behind.

Just be aware that this may happen and be prepared to emotionally support the remaining animals.

One benefit of helping your other animals is that it helps you too.

8 Don’t be afraid to seek Professional Support.

Seeking support from a grief trained counsellor is also important. It can help you to realise you are not going mad, that what you are experiencing is common to grief experiences of others.

Remember you won’t ever replace your lost pet, but you can find a new pet when the time is right, if it ever is.

To add to the bottom of blogs

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz