As you try to come to terms with your grief it can feel so hard to do. Being able to verbalise what you are feeling and experiencing can be so difficult to accomplish that many people never process their grief to that depth.
Grief is complex, overwhelming and unsettling.
The 5 stages of death belief
Back in the 70s it was thought that grief was processed in a straight line. There was a five stage process that you went through in that order. According to this theory you were supposed to experience the stages of:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Later an extra stage was added:
Meaning
This was a theory formed to describe the process of dying, not the process of grief.
So much harm was done to people who weren’t grieving according to the rigid stages structure. Even today, there are those who adhere to this long defunct theory.
The effects of grief are more complex than a simple linear theory.
The tasks of grieving
There have been many theories of death proposed since then. In many of the theories it was suggested there were “tasks” to be completed during the grieving process.
One of the most popular theories gives four tasks:
Accept the reality of the loss
Process the pain of grief
Adjust to a world without the one you lost
Find an enduring connection with the person in the midst of embarking on a new life.
The tasks in themselves aren’t wrong. But a rigid adherence to them is not helpful when you are grieving.
Oscillating between grief and life
More recently the Dual Process Model has become popular. In this theory you oscillate between loss oriented mode and restoration oriented mode. This model has great validity. You need to keep living so you do have to live in the real world and there are tasks of living you still need to do. Additionally you need to learn how to live in the world without the one you love. You also need to process the loss so you need to spend time and allow yourself to experience and accept the emotional pain of your loss.
But there is more to understanding grief than oscillating from loss and restoration.
Multidimensional Grief Theory
In 2023 a paper was released describing Multidimensional Grief Theory (MGT). This theory relates to children aged 7-18 who are grieving. According to the theory there are three dimensions of grief. They are:
• Separation Distress
• Existential/identity distress
• Circumstance-related distress
Although this is aimed at children, my reading of the theory is that it can be applied to adults as well.
Separation Distress
Separation distress is not just an emotional reaction. It also involves areas of the brain where attachments to other people form. When someone close dies, there is a time of that area of the brain removing and altering neural networks connected to that person.
The big issue with separation distress is finding a way to feel connected to the person you are grieving for, even when they are gone.
Existential and Identity exploration
Every time you lose a loved one, there is a period of redefining yourself. This happens because every person you are connected to helps you define who you are. When one person dies, especially if they were very important in your life, you have to redefine who you are.
Every loss is a challenge existentially. I have found this is greater when it is the first time you have encountered the death of someone you know.
The way they died
The last dimension of grief relates to the circumstances of that person’s death. How do you think and feel about the way they died? How do you learn to accept that?
These three dimensions of grief have a major impact on how well you process grief and incorporate it into your life.
The importance of understanding what is happening to you
You may wonder why I am giving you all this information.
It is important you understand what is happening to you. When people talk about you being in denial or anger you can understand this is an outmoded theory on dying that was misapplied to grief.
If someone talks to you about tasks you must complete you can understand what they are referring to.
You are more likely to hear about the dual process model if you visit me and I will explain how you sometimes are overwhelmed by grief and other times focused on daily tasks and learning to live after your loss.
As for MGT, I am also likely to discuss with you the impact on your brain of the separation from the one you love. I will also at some stage explore the existential and identity aspects of your loss. You may also want to talk about how your loved one died so I will most likely explore your perception of that with you.
To Summarise
Grief is a complicated journey. There is a lot to process and a lot of physical changes in your brain to be completed. You need to learn how to live in the world now they are gone. You need to learn who you are. You also need to process your feelings around the manner of their death. Sometimes you will want to talk, other times cry, and maybe other times process your feelings through expressive activities such as poetry, painting, sandplay, or journalling.
This journey takes time, so don’t rush it. Be okay for it to take as long as it needs to.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Grief happens to everyone. Although it is always assumed to be about the death of a loved one, there is more to grief than bereavement.
Grief is about anything you lose.
It may be about getting older.
It may be about losing a job.
It may be about the end of a friendship or romantic relationship.
It may be about moving house.
It may be about being burgled.
It may be about losing your wallet.
It may be about leaving school.
It may be about the loss of your imagined future.
It may be about anything that involves losing something.
Below are 5 steps that are vital for healing.
1.Acknowledge that you have lost something important to you and that you are experiencing grief.
If you don’t recognise that you are experiencing a loss, you can’t process it properly. So much in life involves loss. If you can’t recognise it is a loss it makes it hard to move on in life and in time may hamper you from pursuing new life experiences.
2. Acknowledge your feelings and accept them.
Now that you have recognised you are experiencing grief, acknowledge that grief and accept that you are going to experience a range of emotions that are difficult and that is okay. Grief is most recognised as being sadness, but it can also be anger, guilt, numbness, confusion, irritability, forgetfulness, loss of faith in the world and people and more.
Allow yourself to grieve. It is not “just a wallet”, “just another birthday” or “there’ll be others” to name a few. It is something that you have lost and need to heal from. So be okay to grieve and process what you have lost.
Not acknowledging your grief and trying to avoid feeling the emotions has negative consequences in the future as the pain you were not allowed to process continues to bother you.
Remember that healing takes time, so don’t be impatient to heal, allow the healing to proceed at its own pace. You have the skills and the strength to heal. Remember, there will always be pain and sadness, but it will be easier to cope with.
3. Seek support from your friends and family.
One of the first questions I ask people who come to see me is who their support network are. Most people have at least one or two people they can talk to. If you don’t then counselling can help. There are also crisis lines such as Lifeline 13 11 14 and Griefline 1300845745 that you can talk to if you need one off support.
It is important to connect to people who will listen and be present for you. Sharing your feelings, being understood and offered words of care and support is important.
4. Self Care is vital.
Allow yourself space to grieve. You are worth taking time out to look after yourself. If you want to spend some quiet time processing your grief instead of going out with people then do that. On the other hand, if you want to go out with friends then do that. Give yourself time to engage in activities that bring you comfort, renewal and peace.
One of the things most people find helpful is getting into nature, even if it is sitting under a tree in a local park. The beach is also another wonderful place to be. Having a massage can be helpful too. Meditation can also help, especially after the initial intense grief period.
Allowing yourself time to cry and be sad is also important. As long as you have periods in between where you go out and interact with the world it is good to have time alone. If large numbers of people overwhelm you, just go out with one friends who you find comforting.
You may find getting involved in hobbies, exercise or social groups may help as well.
5. See a Grief Counsellor.
If you continue to find your grief overwhelming, it may be helpful to see a grief counsellor. A counsellor trained in treating Grief can help you to process your grief without the misinformation that is out in the community.
When I work with you I will help you to acknowledge and explore the many different feelings you are experiencing. I will guide you to seek understanding of what you have been through. I will assist you to find in that understanding new meaning in your life and new paths to walk on as you journey into the future.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with healing your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I often have parents ask me how to teach their child about grief. They may have a family member dying and they are trying to determine how to prepare their child for death. Or they may have had a family member die and they are trying to help their child understand and process grief.
Death is a major existential event in life. The first time you experience death you are faced with the existential aspects of death. What is it? What does it mean? How does it impact me? What is different in my life? Life isn’t safe anymore. What happens when you die? And so on.
What children need to learn about grief
Children need to learn about death and what it means. They also need to learn about grief.
After all, grief is not just over the death of someone.
Grief is experienced when you experience any loss. It may be the death of someone. Or it may be losing a much loved soft toy. Moving and losing the comfortable home and neighbourhood you felt safe in. Losing a friend, a job, a pet. There are more losses than I can list here.
It is natural to grieve. It is important to grieve. Without grief you cannot heal from the losses you experience in life. Sub heading Teaching your child about grief
There are many books about grief that can be read to children. There are also a number of movies that children can see. I am going to focus on the animated ones as children often relate to the animated movies better, especially if they are very young.
Here is a list of movies that are recommended as great ones to watch with your child. It is important that you discuss the issues in these movies afterwards. They provide good thoughts that your child can ponder and you can talk about together.
When you talk to your child don’t make it formal. Be relaxed and share what you felt about the movie. You might say how you felt at a particular event in the movie and leave it open for your child to share their feelings and ask questions.
It is important to remember that you teach your children how to grieve. If you can manage grief with openness and compassion, then your child will learn that it is okay to express your feelings and be kind to yourself when grieving. Your child can learn not to suppress what they are feeling and instead accept and embrace those feelings.
1. Charlotte’s Web
This is the original animation of Charlotte’s Web released in 1973. There has been a more recent live action remake, but I am using here the animation. This movie is a lovely gentle movie that is easy to watch and understand concepts presented in the film.
If you don’t know this movie, it is about a girl called Fern who saves a piglet that was the runt of the litter. She feeds him and looks after him and he grows big. He becomes a friend to her. When Wilbur gets too big, he is put in an outside pen where Fern visits him. He is frightened and makes friends with a spider called Charlotte. Wilbur hears that he must be slaughtered for meat. This is terrifying for Wilbur and Charlotte helps him by spinning words into her web. This gets the attention of people who come to visit the farm. Wilbur becomes more valuable alive so his life is safe.
However, Charlotte is a spider and they don’t live long so Wilbur loses Charlotte and grieves her death. But Charlotte has left behind an egg case so Wilbur soon has new friends in Charlotte’s children.
This film introduces the idea that the people we love die. This allows a discussion on death as a general concept. It also allows a discussion on the sadness when someone you love dies and the fact that life goes on and there can be good things happening after someone you love dies.
2. Big Hero 6
In this movie Hiro is a budding robotic scientist. His brother Tadashi is killed in a fire. In the aftermath of Tadashi’s death, Hiro shuts himself off from his friends and family. Eventually he starts to explore what happened to his brother and asks his friends and family for help.
As he investigates his brother’s death, Hiro becomes angry and seeks revenge on the person who started the fire. Eventually he realises that is not the answer and lets go of the need to assign blame and seek revenge.
This is a wonderful movie to show how many emotions are experienced in grief. It also covers the way many people isolate in the early stages of grief. Hiro’s journey from isolating himself, to starting to look outward, to asking friends for help, to wanting someone to pay for his brother’s death and eventually to finding a new purpose in his life is a wonderful example of a grief journey. The new purpose Hiro discovers in his life is what is commonly described as the meaning Hiro discovers in his brother’s death. A meaning he can then use to build his life moving forward.
3. Onward
This lovely movie is about a boy whose father died when he was too young to get to know him. Ian is the boy and we start his story on his 16th birthday.
Ian is given a magic wand that will allow him to spend one day with his father and he sets out of find the crystal he needs to operate it. He enlists the help of his brother Barley. Both boys are hurting over the death of their father. Ian hurts because he never knew his father. Barley hurts because he never got to say goodbye.
As the brother’s seek the crystal and the meeting with their father, they discover each other and the needs each has. They realise they can support each other in their grief.
This movie is wonderful to show how the death of a parent lasts throughout childhood and life. It also shows how important it is for families to reach out to each other and offer much needed support to each other.
4. Up
This beautiful movie is often remembered for the talking dog and its comic wandering thoughts about squirrels. But behind this humour this is a beautiful love story.
In this movie we meet Carl. He is an old man whose wife, Ellie, has died. He lives in their home, isolating himself from the world he used to love. In his sadness he becomes bitter and unpleasant to other people. He remains in the house, reliving in his mind all the moments he and Ellie had together.
His house sits in the middle of a new development. Carl has refused to sell his home, but the developer has an idea. They claim Carl should be in a nursing home and he is about to become evicted.
Carl doesn’t want this and he attaches thousands of balloons to his house so it will float and he can visit a place he and Ellie dreamed of visiting.
Unintentionally a young boy, Russel, is in the house when it floats away.
Over time Carl warms to Russel and the things they do together help him to reach out to another human being. He learns to love again and engage with life. He is finally able to move on with his life.
This movie is a great illustration of the importance of allowing healing and the dangers of holding on too tight to grief.
5. Brother Bear
Kenai’s brother is killed by a bear. Kenai believes he was responsible for his brother’s death. He finds himself unable to face this so he turns his anger onto the bear and kills it.
He is then turned into a bear and discovers the dead bear’s cub. The cub helps him find the place he needs to visit to be returned to human form. As he journeys with this young cub he learns to love and care for it.
Kenai’s other brother, believing both his brothers have been killed by bears, sets out to hunt down the bear to kill it.
Eventually the two brothers let go of the desire for revenge, they learn to forgive, and they learn how to reach out to others for help.
Kenai makes a decision at the end to stay and care for the bear cub and the brothers resolve their differences.
This movie shows the dangers of revenge and how it is often hiding guilt. It shows the importance again of sitting with grief and allowing it to unfold. It also shows the importance of reaching out to each other in grief.
Forgiveness is another theme that is presented in this movie.
Sometimes, when someone is killed in an accident, or by another person/animal, revenge takes on a great importance. It is helpful to see in this movie how revenge is not the answer. Kenai looking after the bear cub is able to see the bear’s perspective and understand her actions more.
Kenai also learns to let go of his guilt and forgive himself and the bear.
There are a lot of emotions present when processing grief, and anger, desire for revenge and the need for forgiveness are powerful ones that frequently show up.
6. Kung Fu Panda 2
This is the story of Po, a panda who has become Dragon Warrior and protector of the Valley of Peace. His antagonist in this story is Lord Shen who has sworn a vendetta against Pandas and, after being banished by his parents, is now waging war against China. Po lost his parents in the Panda massacre Shen instigated and he still grieves for them. He doesn’t remember what happened and this haunts him.
Shen is grieving the rejection by his parents. He has allowed his hurt to become anger that has been turned into a desire for revenge. Po directs his grief into more positive pursuits. He accepts his pain but, instead of living in the past, he focuses on the present. This allows him to grow from the trauma of losing his parents.
Shen did not accept his pain. He tries to defeat his pain instead of accepting it and focusing on the present. As a result, he is not able to grow and move forward in life. Instead he is trapped in anger and revenge. He seeks to conquer all of China to overcome the pain he feels. His conquests, instead of bringing him peace, only exacerbate his pain.
Shen’s anger destroys him. Whereas Po’s acceptance and willingness to sit with the pain and accept it allows him to grow. These are important things to discuss with your child.
7. The Land Before Time
In this gentle movie, Littlefoot’s mother is killed by other dinosaurs. Much time is allocated to showing how Littlefoot grieves for his mother. In time another dinosaur, Rooter, comes and offers Littlefoot comfort.
This beautiful movie shows children the grief at losing a parent, which is important. It also shows the processing of that grief allowing a time when it doesn’t hurt as badly. But it also shows children how comfort can be found in the support of other people and sends a message about the importance of accepting help from others.
8. The Lion King
The 1994 movie is the one to watch, not the recent live action film.
Simba is distraught when his father is killed in a stampede. He believes he is to blame for his father’s death and he runs away. He grows up and adopts a lifestyle where he doesn’t care for anything and avoids the past.
When he is asked to come back to help his family defeat their enemy Simba refuses. His grief has not only impacted on him, but also on the rest of his family.
Eventually Simba is able to put his guilt aside and return to liberate his family from the enemy. In the process he learns he was not responsible for his father’s death. He is able to let go of his guilt and use his grief to honour his father. Children will often take on the blame for the death of someone close to them. It is important as parents to be aware of that possibility and include that in discussions with your child.
This movie is great for discussing the impact guilt has on grief, that running away from grief doesn’t make it go away, and that no one grieves in isolation. The grief one feels impacts on others as well.
9. Inside Out
This movie has been much loved for its handling of the emotions Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust.
But there is another side to this movie. It is about the grief the girl Riley experiences when her family moves away from her happy community to a major city.
Instead of allowing Riley to experience the pain of the loss, Joy tries to bury it. This is something people do so often with grief. This movie shows the ramifications of trying to push away grief instead of processing it.
Because the movie uses the emotions to show Riley’s thoughts, it is great for showing how many different emotions are involved in each memory. Even the happy moments in life have sadness in them.
The movie also demonstrates the importance of reaching out to others for comfort and reaching out to comfort others.
10. Frozen
If we look beyond the passion many young children have shown for this movie and the much played theme song, there is a very important message in this movie.
This movie is about unresolved grief and suppressed emotions.
Elsa’s emotions are demonstrated in her power over ice. As a child, when she is still learning to control her emotions, her ice creating happens often. Her parents are frightened of this and force her to suppress her emotions. She becomes expert at suppressing her emotions, but this also causes separation between her and her sister Anna.
Then their parents die and Elsa becomes isolated from everyone.
This suppression of her emotions causes the icing over of the kingdom. This is a powerful metaphor for the impact suppressed emotions have on you and those around you. So often people suppress their emotions out of fear of feeling them, or what will happen to their behaviour when they feel them.
But emotions need to be experienced in order to resolve them. When you allow yourself to feel emotions you become better able to control your reaction to them and express them in a healthy, helpful way.
So many people are taught to suppress their emotions, including grief. Fear is a driving force behind that suppression. Suppressing emotions can also lead to isolation from others.
This is what happened to Elsa.
The freezing of the kingdom is only resolved when Elsa learns not to isolate herself from her others and learns to not be afraid to experience her grief.
Can I Help?
Teaching your child about grief means you have to confront your own issues around grief and death. That can be hard. Sometimes you need help to give you the tools and resilience to take your child on this journey. There may be unresolved issues from your past that need to be processed to allow you to be present for your child.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with grief and loss, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
For 8 years of my children’s childhood my family lived as expats. They had to move to a non English speaking country and attend an international school that was British based. They had to cope with the isolation of not speaking the local language, the multiple strange British accents in the school they attended, a different culture (yes British culture is very different to Australian culture), a different way of teaching and so much more. My older two children moved from primary to high school, but my youngest two changed primary school and then went on to High School. That was a lot of change for them.
Returning to Australia was not easy. They had to negotiate a different school system and children raised in a monoculture, when they had been raised in a multicultural setting. Not surprisingly my school age children made friends with the foreign children in the Australian school.
My children managed this transition. They were helped by the International School being one where there were always new students, so there was more openness to make friends. When they returned to Australia they attended a school which was expanding and meant there were many new students joining with them. They all made friends and the older ones got after school jobs. They settled very quickly.
Children can find moving difficult
Not all children, however, find the move to a new area and new school is easy.
Often there is a focus from parents on the positive benefits of the move. I know that is what I did. Other parents I have spoken to also focus on the positives. If the move is the result of a conscious decision to move then the parents will be enthusiastic about it.
But it is not always easy for children to make that move.
New schools can be traumatising
In fact, children can be traumatised by the move and that trauma most often happens in school.
The best parents in the world who have prepared their children well for the move can still find one or more of their children are traumatised by that move.
The trauma lasts into adulthood
Many adults who come to see me about their past moving traumas will report the difficulties of moving to a new area, leaving behind their friends and everything familiar, and having trouble settling in to their new school and establishing friendships.
The losses and grief of moving
Moving to a new area is exciting for everyone, especially the adults who made the decision to move. But there are many losses involved in moving. These losses will be felt by the parents as well as the children.
How to help your child through these losses
Acknowledging those losses and allowing them to be expressed is important. Giving your child a hug and telling them they will make friends soon is not what they need. What they need is to know you have heard them.
It is important to acknowledge verbally that your children are sad they have left their best friend behind, or the activities they used to do, or the lovely tree they sat in when they needed a reset. It is also important that you are silent to allow them to talk if they want to.
You can’t and shouldn’t fix their grief. But you can allow space for it to be there, for it to be acknowledged, and for them to express what they need to express. Your child’s grief at what they have left behind is not a judgement on you, it is a normal part of change.
You grieve too
If you are honest, there are things you miss too. Maybe you already grieved for those things too but did it as part of the process of making the decision to move. Children may not developmentally be able to grieve in advance. Nor did they make the decision to move. It makes a difference to how they grieve.
The pattern of adjustment when you move
In the last 25 years I have moved a lot. What I came to understand, and observe in myself is that there are phases of adjustment you go through when you move to a new area.
At first it is exciting and new. There are definitely areas of uncertainty and stress. But there are also areas of excitement and the thrill of things that are new and novel.
After a few months that excitement wears off and you are left trying to manage in a new area where you have to work harder to meet your needs and those of your family. That is when the sadness can creep in. And the comparisons with the old life you had.
Eventually you will settle in and find a new rhythm. You may always miss things about where you were before, but you will have worked out ways to meet your needs and be okay with that.
Warning: Be careful what you say to your children
Be careful of what you say in your children’s hearing when you reach that sad/comparison stage. I have seen many children who were managing the move relatively well but then had to listen to one or both parents express how much they hated living in the new location.
Remember, when you reach the sad stage, so will your children. Research has shown that children will cope better with change when their parents are coping. So it is important that you give your children the security of feeling safe because you are managing this.
You can do this by resisting the temptation to criticise and express the wish to return to your old location. Instead be honest about the fact you weren’t able to do something or you missed someone but also instil hope in that statement. Maybe you can say that it is hard to find everything in a new location but you will work it out.
Being open about your difficulties gives your children permission to be more open about their own.
Take time to sit and listen to your children
Stopping to talk to each one of your children about how they are managing is also important.
Allowing them to not be happy about the move is important. Remember, this is not a judgement on you. I have known families who have made decisions their children were not happy with. They have allowed the children to express their unhappiness and supported them. Many of those children have shared later in life that they settled and loved their new life. They just needed time to form new networks and find their place.
Some children will cope. Others will not
It is also important to remember that some children in the family may cope well with a move and others may not. This may be as simple as the type of children in their year at school.
The child who did not fit in
One adult I saw recently moved towards the end of primary school. She had very supportive friendship networks where she had lived. She had grown up with these friends and they all went to the same school, living in close proximity to each other so that they could just wander from house to house whenever they wanted to.
In the new location there were no networks of friends she had known all her life. There was no way to just pop to a friend’s house. She was isolated in the new home.
Her brothers were into sport and quickly found sporting teams and made friends. Her sisters were teenagers and had the confidence to slip into the friendship groups in their years at school.
But this adult, then a shy 10 year old, found it harder to fit in. She was at the start of puberty and still trying to work out who she was. In her old location her friends knew her well and accepted her. But she was trying to fit in with new children who did not know her. They were not as accepting.
Her sisters were at high school and her brothers were off pursuing sport so she was very alone at school.
As often happens when a child does not fit in she was bullied. That made it even harder for her to make friends.
Her parents thought her unhappiness was something that would pass. They had busy lives and did not take the time to sit with her and understand she was being bullied. They brushed over her difficulties.
This adult told me how she had felt really self confident when she moved. Over the ensuing years her confidence in herself and her ability to make friends nose dived. For her the move had been very traumatic and had resulted in lasting impacts on her life.
She also found her relationship with her family was impacted. She had felt unsupported and over looked. She felt her parents could have done a lot more to support her and her siblings could have paused occasionally to offer words of support and comfort.
Her life has been impacted to the extent that as an adult she is still needing to work through the trauma of that move.
She has little contact with her siblings and her relationship with her parents has been strained. She has communicated to her parents what happened to her as a child and they have acknowledged the damage done to her, but the years of trauma have been difficult to overcome and their relationship has never recovered.
Plan your move to allow support for your children
Moving is often necessary. But there are ways you can help your children cope. These ways were discussed in the blog. The most important one is to remember to always be available to sit and listen to your children. Don’t assume that everything is okay.
It is important to reach out for help if you are not coping with your move. Remember, if you are finding it hard to cope then be willing to reach out for help.
If your children are struggling, then reach out for help.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your children with your move, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
You sit in your grief Frozen It is as though an icy reminder of winter has invaded the autumn You suddenly find yourself in.
You sit in the icy numbness. Then the numbness passes.
And you are tossed around by the autumn winds Blowing their cold breath Causing all to hunch forward and rush to shelter. Leaving you alone in your grief.
You stand there In the midst of the swirling leaves Reds, oranges, yellows and brown. Echoing your own swirling emotions And you long for the time when you felt only numbness.
Then you sighed And settled in for the long haul of the winter of your grief. The days when it was icy and still. When snow muffled every sound And the world seemed deserted.
Just you and your pain.
As you stood on the edge of the ocean. Antarctic blast hitting you with its icy needles The waves whipped to a frenzy by winter storms You remembered that all healing comes in waves.
The intensity varies. Sometimes you can feel almost normal. Other times you feel like you can’t go on. You are out there in the white caps Drowning.
And then you realise you will heal Eventually. You look around and notice the gradual budding of leaves at the ends of branches. You look at the ground as tiny flowers emerge from their bulbs.
The wind comes warm and you dance in the beauty of it. Then the wind blows cold and you are back in the thundering waves Drowning.
Be okay to feel what you are feeling. To feel those exhilarating days of warm breezes And those terrifying days of drowning.
Allow it to take time. Don’t rush.
You will be fed up with grief Long before it is finished with you.
Allow the pain. In that pain is growth. In that pain is the way to learn how to live with your loss.
A day will come when you will stand on the edge of the ocean The sun will dance on the gentle waves A warm wind will gently caress you And you will feel at peace.
Nan Cameron 24/7/2023
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Grief is how we as human beings express loss for what we love
Being open to grief deepens and widens your loving. Grief is how you love when someone is not there any more. It is the natural expression of your heart for what you miss. Set an intention to allow yourself to feel even what seems unbearable. If it needs to be felt then feel it. Don’t try to overcome what your body, heart and mind want to travel through, experience and feel. Remember grief is ongoing, not a temporary thing. It is natural and you will learn to live with.
Grief is a reality. There is a story of father racing across the US to see his daughter before she died. As he sat with her body after she had died he commented to palliative counsellor that the grief was familiar. He had encountered this before. The reality is life is a series of small losses and deaths. We experience grief when we lose a beloved toy as a child, when our childhood friend moves away and the friendship ends, when we break up with romantic partners, when we suffer financial losses, when we can’t have the baby we long for, when our dreams die, when things we had are lost, when we lose time.
Grief is more than the emotions we feel. It is also a lot of losses and fears. Maybe you are suddenly alone. Maybe you have to face limitations you never had before, maybe you are lonely, maybe you are scared.
Ultimately grief is about living. You miss someone you loved but you are still alive and that is why grief is ultimately about living.
Grief is something we as humans do. It is how we know we exist. You don’t reach a point of being able to accept the uncertainty of life and the certainty of loss by suppressing the pain of grief or trying to spiritually bypass by telling yourself they are in heaven, or have been reincarnated. Or telling yourself you don’t have to feel the emotions and trying to meditate or pray them away. The more you try to push away the feelings of grief, the more tenaciously they cling to you and the harder it is to let them go.
Unless you let the world in and let your pain in and let your emotions in you cannot let go of the grief.
You can’t transcend feelings of loss. To do so is to deny your humanity.
Grief is a wide variety of experiences. Sadness, loneliness, change, anger, numbness.
If you accept and allow your grief you can walk through it and live life with grief there as well. To grieve and accept its presence is to come to the fullness of your humanity and aliveness.
People think to allow themselves to miss their loved one their world will fall apart. But connecting to your pain and allowing it is how you come back to yourself, to your soul. To the essence of who you are.
Grief contains love and wisdom that is way beyond the ways of this world. You are an apprentice to sorrow. Grief is also a wilderness. Open to nature and allow yourself to wander in grief. Don’t try to control it as we humans try to control nature and fail miserably.
Uncertainty is so frightening that we try to hold on to it. Grief is a stark reminder of the uncertainty of life. The grieving person is in freefall and there is no control. Forgive yourself for trying to control what is uncontrollable.
You can only progress through the wilderness of grief if you are willing to be there, to be awake and free. Ask yourself, what are you unwilling to feel? Undo your resistance to grief. If there are any stages in grief it is here that you will find them. Allowing the sorrow and grief is how you work your way through the darkness of grief. You meet your edge and soften. Be intentional about that. Soften into grief and the apprehension of loss. Allow tenderness to accompany grief. “We manage our lives so powerfully externally as to forget the incredible mystery we are involved in.” John O’Donohue. Certainly you want to scream “no” but “yes” is the only way you can answer the world as it is. All the “no”s in the world will not change anything.
Love can grow after death. Allow yourself to be open to that. Open to what is.
Change is always happening. Learn to relate to the groundlessness of life without resisting and wanting to control. Instead be expectant and curious.
What would happen if you stopped clinging to the person who has died? Many people blame themselves for the death of their loved one. This is how people try to hold on to the person who has died. But that is not the solution. Instead let go. Forgive yourself for the things you feel you omitted or did wrong. Let go. This is when you will merge with the one you lost and will have them there. In a healthy and beautiful way. “When the work of grief is done the wound of loss will heal and you will have learned to wean your eyes from the gap in the air and be able to enter the hearth in your soul where your loved one has awaited your return all the time.” John O’Donohue.
Grief takes as long as it takes. There is no magic number for how long it will last. You cannot force your way through grief. You can only be willing to experience it, patient for the pain to shift, curious at what you are experiencing, gentle with yourself and knowing there is wisdom that yearns to surrender you to the waves of grief.
Honour the power of goodness, beauty, and necessity in grief. Allow yourself to be open to the groundlessness of grief.
You are not a victim. Be open to the moment of grief. Open to the resources your compassionate self has. Share your grief with others. Take the power in naming your grief and learn it will give you an ability to be in the ever changing difficult world you live in.
Give permission to allow sadness. To allow crying. To feel it in your body. In time you may find turning to the suffering of others helps you lessen the grief of your suffering. Depression comes because grief is not processed. Listen to your heart and follow it. It knows what you need. Ask the pain what it wants from you. Draw comfort from the knowledge that pain gets less because it comes in waves and all waves come and go. Give the pain the acceptance it wants. Be with your grief and emotions. Ask what they mean. Remember the pain of grief does not always appear as grief. It can express itself as anger, depression, numbness, shame. Go into your body again and again. Sense the longing to feel and feel that. Ask the numbness to let you know what you need to feel.
Grief is not bad. It is not wrong. It is. It is life. It is being.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
