Stress – Page 3

I have been in a traumatic situation. Will I develop PTSD?

I see a lot of people who have been involved in traumatic situations. One of the biggest fears they express is that they will develop PTSD as a result of the trauma.

What does PTSD look like?

I am including this information to demonstrate how complex PTSD is. People are often afraid they have PTSD but are actually just experiencing a normal reaction to a really traumatic situation.

This information is not to be used to self diagnose. If you are concerned it is best to see a professional who is experienced with PTSD and can make a correct diagnosis.

Formal diagnosis of PTSD includes experiencing at least one of each category of the following symptoms for at least a month:

Re-experiencing the trauma – at least one of these:
• Flashbacks including reliving the event and experiencing physical symptoms of fear such as a rapid heart beat or sweating
• Recurring memories or dreams of the event
• Distressing thoughts about the event
• Experiencing a rapid heart beat, sweating or other physical symptom of stress

Avoiding reminders of the trauma – at least one of these:
• Avoiding places, events, objects or anything that reminds you of the trauma
• Avoiding thoughts or feelings related to the traumatic event.
• Changing routines to avoid anything that reminds you of the trauma

Symptoms of arousal or reactivity that have arisen or worsened since the event– at least one of these:
• Easily startled
• Feeling tense or on guard
• Difficult concentrating
• Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
• Feeling irritable, even having angry outbursts
• Engaging in risky, reckless or destructive behaviour

Thoughts and mood symptoms – at least one of these:
• Having trouble remembering parts or all of the trauma
• Experiencing negative thoughts about yourself or the world
• Feelings of blame directed at you or others that are exaggerated
• Experiencing negative emotions that persist. These include fear, anger, guilt or shame.
• Losing interest in enjoyable activities
• Feeling socially isolated
• Finding it hard to feel positive emotions such as happiness.

How likely is it that you will develop PTSD after a traumatic event?

More people recover from trauma than get PTSD.

Research has shown that previous trauma, especially in childhood, increases your likelihood of developing PTSD. But even that does not mean you will develop PTSD.

The Normal processing of trauma

Many people will report some memories of traumatic events for some time after the event, but these memories fade over time.

People can become stuck in the traumatic event. Triggers that throw them back into the event time and time again are distressing and interfere with healthy daily functioning. Others will avoid talking about the event and situations, people or places they associate with the event.

Trauma processing is similar to Grief processing

There is another life event that can have a similar effect. That is the death of a loved one. For some people the only way to cope with the grief is to avoid all reminders of the loved one.

Another thing that researchers have found is that the more you avoid memories and reminders of traumatic events, the more likely it is that you will develop PTSD. Just as the more you avoid memories and reminders of a loved one, the more likely it is that you will develop Complex Grief Disorder.

Avoiding these memories and reminders is usually due to the extreme discomfort of experiencing these memories and reminders. The emotions associated with them can be extremely difficult to experience.

The importance of processing trauma

When a traumatic event happens it is essential you emotionally process what happened. Much as with grief, it is considered the best way to process this is to titrate your emotional exposure to the event. You allow yourself time to think about it, then allow yourself time to think about other things.

Debriefing after a traumatic event is very important. 30 years ago it was considered essential for everyone to talk about what happened. People were forced to take part in debriefing when they weren’t ready to talk. This caused extreme distress for some people. Not everyone is ready to dive into processing something immediately after it has happened. They need more time to titrate the emotional exposure.

Debriefing today is more an opportunity to talk if you want to and access to trauma counsellors who can help you debrief.

Having your story witnessed and acknowledged

Sometimes after a trauma the focus may be on certain people who are considered to be “worse affected” than others. This may mean that you are not given the chance to tell your story and have the impact of the trauma on you acknowledged. In can be helpful to talk to a trauma counsellor to allow you to share your story and have that story acknowledged. This allows for a better resolution of the trauma.

Some people process things by talking and talking. Others process by reflecting. That is why the debriefing I do, and the format that is recommended, involves letting you talk if you want to or allowing you space if you don’t want to talk.

Sometimes you will need to talk to a counsellor to help with processing the trauma, especially if you are avoiding the emotions and memories due to the pain they cause. A trauma counsellor can help you learn how to cope with those overwhelming emotions and how to titrate your exposure to them.

Unhelpful coping behaviours

In trying to cope with trauma, some people may adopt behaviours that are extremely unhelpful and keep them trapped in the trauma. Substance abuse and increased alcohol consumption are the most common behaviours that I see. They may provide temporary respite from troubling thoughts and emotions, but they are dangerous in the long term and actually keep you trapped in that place of trauma.

When to seek help

Traumatic events take time to recover from. Most people will recover in time. Recovery will usually involve talking about what happened, reflecting on the incident, being willing to cry or experience other emotions.

If you feel that you are stuck in these memories and emotions and don’t seem to be getting better, then it is helpful to seek counselling.

To summarise:

Risk factors that increase the likelihood of developing PTSD:
• Previous trauma exposure, especially in childhood
• Getting hurt or seeing others hurt or killed
• Feeling helpless, horror or extreme fear
• Thinking you are going to die
• Having little or no social support after the event
• Being exposed to extra stress after the traumatic event such as pain and injury, loss of job or home, loss of a loved one.

Things you can do to reduce the likelihood of developing PTSD:
• Seek support from friends, family, support groups. Accept offers to engage in critical incident debriefing, either when the counsellors are present or at some point in the next few days.
• Allowing yourself to be upset and impacted by the traumatic event
• Allow yourself to process what has happened and learn from it
• Seek counselling if you need support with the impacts of the event and processing the feelings around the event.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with processing your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

7 Ways To Reduce Stress

When stress levels are high you can feel that things are out of control. You can feel overwhelmed with tasks and feel unable to cope with your massive To Do list.

Here are 7 “C” suggestions of things to do to feel better able to manage that stress.

1.Control

When you feel overwhelmed with things to do you don’t feel in control of your life. It feels more like life is controlling you and you are drowning in the busyness of it all. It is really important to find some space to think. So take time out. Even a few hours. Review everything you have on.

• Is there anything you can pass on to someone else to do?

• Is there anything non urgent you can move to another day/week/month?

• Which tasks need to be done so that your life can continue to function? (such as clean clothes, food, clean dishes, caring for children if you have any.)

• Which tasks are “like to do” rather than “need to do” tasks?

Question: what can you do to feel more in control of your life?

2.Competence

When you feel capable of completing the tasks you have to do, the tasks are easier to do. That doesn’t mean they won’t take time. You do need to be realistic about the amount of time a task will take and the amount of time you have available to complete your tasks.

Question: what skills do you need to learn or improve so that you can feel more competent?

3.Confidence

If you are confident that you can manage the unexpected obstacles to completing a task you are likely to feel less stress around attending to tasks. Fear of things going wrong and not knowing what to do is a major contributor to stress.

Question: how confident do you feel? Describe that level of confidence. What can you do to increase your confidence?

4.Connection

One of the best buffers against high stress levels are healthy relationships with other people. It is not so much about having great friends, but more about feeling you have a community around you that you belong to.

It is about having a network of people you can turn to for help when you need assistance, advice or other resources to complete your tasks.

Questions: Who are the people in your life you can go to for support or belonging? How might you make connections in the community? Do you have strong connection with family, friends, and your community?

5.Character

This may seem odd, but it is important the tasks you have to complete align with your values. Doing something you feel uncomfortable about is going to make you feel stressed and going to make the task a hard one to complete. That then leaves you with a To Do list with uncompleted tasks. That is a recipe for high stress.

Things to consider in this situation are:

• Who has assigned this task to you? Is it work related? Has a friend/family member asked you to do something? Is this something you feel you have to do because you don’t know of any other options?

• What is it about this task that you feel uncomfortable about?

• Which of your values does this task not align with?

• What other options are there for you to consider regarding this task?

• Do you have to do this task?

Questions: What are your values? What things you do make you feel uncomfortable? What is it about them that is uncomfortable?

6.Coping

There are myriad ways of coping. Some of those ways are helpful and some are unhelpful. Many people turn to alcohol or drugs to cope, but these are unhelpful because they never allow you to resolve the problem. It just becomes buried and that causes more problems. It is better to see a counsellor to learn coping techniques than resort to substances and behaviours that bury the problem. Some ways to cope are:

• Self care – take time out to do the things you love to do. Maybe you like a massage, or a visit to a float tank. Maybe you love seeing family or friends. Maybe you love walking in the bush or walking along the beach. Maybe movies are your self care.

• Relaxation – learn how to meditate. Guided meditations can be really great for that. Mindfulness is also a good meditation to do. Yoga or Qigong are also great for relaxation. Or you can find activities that are relaxing such as going to the beach, hugging a tree, a bush walk, jogging, walking, going to the gym and many more.

• Spending time on a relaxing hobby.

Questions: What do you usually do to cope when you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed? Is it helpful or unhelpful? What is something more helpful you could try?

7.Contribution

This one refers to the contribution you make to the community in which you live. It is about volunteering to help others. It may involve dropping in to say hello to an elderly neighbour. It may involve volunteering at a Homeless Shelter. It may be as simple as giving a family member a lift somewhere.

Contributing is part of connection. When you contribute to your local community you feel more connected and invested in your local community. Research has also found that people who are willing to help others are more likely to reach out for help when they need it.

Part of Contribution is allowing others to contribute to the needs in your life.

Questions: What can you do to contribute to your community? What can others do to help you?

Putting the 7 “C’s” into practice

Here are some important things to consider when managing high stress levels:

• Have healthy boundaries. Learn to say “no”. Learn to be okay to ask for help, but also to not be involved in something you don’t want to do. Learn how to stop people encroaching on your boundaries. This is an aspect of control in your life and also coping.

• Accept who you are. You are like anyone else and that is wonderful. You are unique. There are things you are good at, and things you are not as good at. There are things you know how to do, and things you have yet to learn how to do. Know your limitations and accept them. Learn the things you need to learn and accept it will take time to be competent. Know also when it is time to stop because you have realised you will never be able to do something competently. This is an aspect of control, competence, confidence and character.

• Practice a healthy lifestyle. Make sure you get enough sleep. Eat a diet that is well balanced and low in junk and high sugar foods. Move and exercise. This doesn’t mean you have to go to the Gym. It may mean you take a walk on the beach, go dancing with friends or dancing in your own living room. This is an aspect of control and coping.

• Ensure your routine includes time to attend to essential tasks and allows time for play. This is a big part of self care. If you don’t spend time relaxing and recharging your batteries you will not be able to complete those essential tasks. This is an aspect of coping and control.

• Embrace mistakes and failures. They are a normal part of life. They are also opportunities to learn and grow. A popular learning theory holds that we learn about something then try to do it. After we have done it we evaluate its success. Do I need to do it differently? Is there more I need to know? Have I learned something from this attempt to show me how to do it again? After evaluating, you try again. This goes on until you are able to complete the task. According to this theory mistakes and failures are a vital part of learning. This is an aspect of competence and developing confidence.

• Be creative. Try different ways of doing things. You may find a better way of organising your life. The creative ways I have devised throughout my life mean I can achieve a lot more than I could in earlier years. There were many creative ideas and some of them worked really well and I still use them. I still apply creativity to completing tasks. This is an important aspect of control and competence.

• Recognise and manage those things in life that will bring up unhappy memories that upset you. There will always be things like that. Maybe recognising why you were upset about something is possible and will help you be alert for that again. Recognising where the upset comes from is a great aid to being able to learn strategies to manage it. You can also see a counsellor to learn strategies when you are unable to.

• Talk to someone you trust when you need help.

• Can’t find anyone to talk to or who is helpful? Talk to a counsellor.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to reduce stress, set boundaries, accept yourself, feel more in control, competent, connected make connections, identify your values, learn method of coping, and develop the skills to identify ways to contribute in your community please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Cry For Help

Have you met someone who is constantly telling you their horror story of a traumatic past?

Maybe you do this yourself?

Many people will tell me they retell the story because they can’t let go of it.

I totally get that. I have told and retold my own trauma stories often.

I thought it was to have someone witness my story.

And to a certain extent that was correct. I did want my story witnessed. Just as many people who come to see me want their story witnessed.

I hear you, I believe you.

You want someone to say I hear you.

You want someone to say what was done to you was horrible. A child shouldn’t have been treated that way.

You want to hear the horrified reaction of your listener as they hear your horrible story.

It is important to be heard, believed, and have the extent of your trauma acknowledged.

But there is something more that prompts you to tell the story over and over.

I need help

It is the wounded child seeking help. When that story happened to you as a child, no one came to your assistance. You needed help. Desperately. And no help came.

The next time you feel the need to tell your story, ask yourself. Am I seeking help?

If the answer is yes, then you are the adult who can help your wounded child.

You may not feel able to help your wounded child, and that is where counselling from a trauma professional can be helpful.

And if it is someone you care about who needs help for their wounded child, don’t dismiss them. Listen, ask if their wounded child needs help, and encourage them to see a counsellor.

Can I help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your wounded child, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

15 Indicators That You May Need Healing From Your Past

Trauma is talked about a lot these days. It is hard to avoid mentions of it.

But understanding of what trauma looks like is rarer. Many people who come to see me are surprised to hear that their experiences are classified as trauma.

In addition, what one person finds traumatic is not necessarily traumatic to another person.

What is recognised as trauma

People readily accept serious accidents, death, physical abuse, sexual abuse or violence as major trauma. But what of the less obvious and well known sources of trauma.

Some less obvious sources of trauma are neglect, the divorce of your parents, bullying, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, minimising, denying and blaming, economic abuse, abuse of power, using coercion and threats, intimidation, isolation by others.

Identifying trauma in your past

How do you know if you have been exposed to trauma in the past, especially in your childhood years?

You may have memories of what you recognise as trauma. You may have memories of what you come to understand is trauma. Not all trauma is remembered, sometimes it is hidden away because the child you were when you suffered that trauma could not process the trauma and needed to forget it in order to survive. Sometimes the memory causes you great difficulties but only surfaces as you start to heal from the traumas in your life.

15 indicators of past trauma

Some indicators that you may be trying to survive with unhealed past trauma are:

Being very anxious or afraid for you safety or that of people who you care about.
Worry that bad things will happen. This can be a general worry about something bad happening.
Loss of focus or concentration.
Your academic performance being affected.
Noticing you are irritable with friends, family, people you work with, people generally.
Experiencing outbursts of anger and even aggression.
Withdrawal from other people or activities.
Avoiding school if you are still of school age.
Increasing physical problems such as headaches, stomach pain or chest pain.
Constantly thinking about or talking about an event from the past or worrying about the details of what has happened.
Reaction to noise, physical contact, loud unexpected noises, sirens, lighting, sudden movement is an under or over reaction.
Recurring nightmares/ disturbing and intrusive memories during the day.
Problems with sleep
Avoidance of places that remind you of difficult events in the past, or just avoiding places for no known reason.
Emotional numbness.

A Reflective Exercise To Explore Your Answers

Have you answered yes to any of these questions? Here is an exercise it would be helpful to complete. You can write in a journal, or even type on your computer, or record on your phone.

• Has any difficult or traumatic memory come to mind with these questions? Or failing that, what is the thought you are having around those questions you answered yes to?
Write a summary of the memory or the thoughts you are having.

• Have any of these memories affected your life? For example, are you having nightmares, experiencing sadness or anxiety?
Write down your answer to this question.

• When these memories or thoughts arise, what feelings are you noticing you are experiencing? They may include sadness, fear, guilt, shame, anger, worry, hurt, rejection, to name just a few.
Write down your answer to this question.

• When the unpleasant feelings arise what do you do to push them away and avoid them? Do you lash out at others, or eat food/drink alcohol/take drugs? Do you binge watch movies/TV series? Do you numb out on social media? Do you exercise? Or anything else to push them away.
Write down your answer to this question.

• When these memories or thoughts arise are you afraid that if you talk about them you will cry, or you will go crazy, or you will want to kill someone, or smash something?
Write down your answer to this question.

Exploring What You Have Answered

Read back over your answers. What do they tell you about how you are coping with difficult memories or thoughts? Are you surprised by what you discovered when you answered the questions and journalled?

If you answered yes to the original questions then you have unresolved trauma that is impacting you now.

Looking at your journal prompts you can see how you are being impacted.

Starting The Process of Healing

It can be helpful to talk to a trauma trained counsellor about the difficulties you are experiencing. It might not seem it, but allowing yourself to heal from the past will transform your present and your future.

Never forget that you are amazing to be here, now, having survived a difficult past. Healing is something you are capable of doing with help.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Why Children and Adolescents Need Counselling After Divorce: Understanding the Importance of Emotional Support in the Face of Family Breakdown

Recently, an inquest opened into the death of an adolescent girl who had killed herself after a long battle with anxiety and depression. This tragedy plays itself out throughout the world every day. In his opening statement, the father of the girl spoke to the court because he felt it was important the court understood that his daughter’s mental health issues stemmed from the breakup of her parents when she was 6. He identified the split as being severely traumatising. This breakup of the girl’s parents had such far-reaching consequences, that its impact was still experienced by her 9 years later.

In this blog I will be discussing the effect one of the common losses of children, separation of parents, has on children and adolescents. I will be referring to children and adolescents as children.

THE BOY SHOPLIFTER

Years ago I worked in a variety store on the checkout. One day a boy of about 12 walked out past my customers. I stopped him and asked to check his backpack.

His reaction to this was extraordinary and upsetting. He sat down on the floor, against the wall, and put his bag down. The look on his face was one of utter desolation. Here was a small child who was really frightened but also who felt extremely alone.

That was really upsetting for me.

The boy had packed his bag full of stolen items.

The police were called and the boy was taken away.

THE HISTORY BEHIND HIS BEHAVIOUR

I learned that his parents had recently separated and his father had a new girlfriend. Since the breakup of his parent’s marriage, the boy had been involved in many acts of vandalism and angry behaviour.

To the other staff, this boy was just some troublemaker who no one should feel sorry for. He was obviously just bad.

To me this boy was a child whose life had been turned upside down by destruction of his secure world and he was acting out his feelings.

THE DIFFICULTY FOR PARENTS IN RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWNS

For adults in the middle of a relationship breakdown, it is an incredibly painful time. There is often little enough energy for each individual to attend to his or her own needs in this terrible loss. There is rarely any energy available for the children of this relationship.

This doesn’t mean the parents are horrible people. They love their children and care deeply about them. But they are struggling to cope with what has happened.

THE FEAR OF MUM AND DAD BREAKING UP

Attending to the needs of the children in this is hard. From a child’s perspective things are very frightening. Security is the most important need of a child. A child needs to know its parents are there to ensure its survival. If the parents are not there, who will ensure the child’s survival?

Parental separation takes a child’s entire understanding of safety and destroys it. For the child caught up in the breakdown of his parent’s marriage, there is no safety. It is hard for parents in this situation to reassure the child. Sadly the child can become the pawn in the breakdown, as each parent seeks to punish the other through access to the child.

CHANGED CONTACT, EVEN NO CONTACT

Sometimes, the parent who leaves will, for a variety of reasons, reduce or completely cut off contact with the child. This is a terribly hurtful for the child. The child does not understand the adult world. What the child understands is that Mum and Dad are not together anymore and that one parent does not want to have anything to do with him anymore.

The child sees a future that is very uncertain.

THE MANY LOSSES A CHILD EXPERIENCES

Often children will talk about having to move away from their home and perhaps give away family pets which they cannot take with them to their new rental home.

Children will talk about never hearing from one parent and not always understanding why.

THE CONFUSION OF ONE PARENT BEING NEGATIVE ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT

Parents can be reckless in the words used to the child and tell the child negative things about the other parent. This is not fair to the child. That other parent is their parent too. The child loves them and identifies with them. Sometimes, what is being criticised in the other parent is something the child does. So where does that leave the child? Does that mean the parent rejects him as well?

SPLIT CUSTODY CAN BE CONFUSING

The Family Law Courts, in the desire to ensure both parents have equal access to children, can cause damage to children. For a child, the security of the family home is replaced by the insecurity of two non-homes. The child spends part of the week in one house, but it never has everything the child owns there. The other part of the week is spent in another house which also never has everything the child owns in it.
The child wakes in the night and has to ask “which house am I in?” “I need to pee, where is the bathroom?”.

NOT FITTING IN ANYWHERE

For a number of children, one of the houses they live in contains a new partner and possibly children who may live there full time.

Can you imagine how difficult it is to fit into a house like that?

The child is there part time, the rest of the people in the house are there full time. How does the child fit in to that? All the love and the will in the world is not going to compensate for that lack of belonging and hence safety.

FEELINGS CAN BE ACTED OUT OR INTERNALISED

As was seen in my story of the 12 year old shoplifter, many children act out their feelings. But others internalise them.

Adults look at the children and, because they seem to be happy, think they have accepted what has happened. That they have ‘gotten over it’. But this is not true. Children suffer because what has happened to them is too great for a child to process without help.

HOW COUNSELLING CAN HELP

Parents involved in the grief of the end of a relationship are not in a position to help the child. This is where counselling and grief and loss programs are really helpful to assist children in this situation to be able to express feelings in a healthy way before the grief and loss feelings develop into long term problems.
The sad story of the adolescent girl could have been prevented if she had been able to access counselling as a 6 year old.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your children with your relationship breakdown, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Mindful Walking: A Powerful Practice for Reducing Stress and Promoting Mental Wellness

I live near the Coral Sea on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. When I long for the energising that walking on the beach brings I can hop in the car and in 15 minutes be walking along the beach. My favourite walk is to walk from one beach, around the rocky headland, and to the next beach. It is a walk that can only be done at low tide. It is also a walk over slippery rocks so walking without shoes is essential.

I start by walking along the beach, where the waves lap at my feet as if to kiss them and welcome me there. I then walk along the rocks, as close to the water as possible, walking in the zone between the high tide and low tide. In that space there are many slippery rocks. This is a perfect opportunity for mindfulness (and you might say falling flat if you are not walking carefully).

I walk bare footed, carrying my shoes. I walk gently, kissing the ground with reverence. That reverence allows me to take my time, to be slow and careful where I place my feet. I stop to place each foot carefully on the rocks, allowing my weight to shift slowly and firmly on to my foot. This grounds me on the earth and also allows my foot to grip the rock firmly and not slip. If I rush, then I slip. So it is important I take my time and place my feet carefully.

My entire focus is on placing my feet, observing what is around me, hearing and seeing the waves. This is wonderful mindful walking. If I don’t pay attention to where I am and how to place my feet, then I slip.

If you live near water, maybe you can try this. Take your time, don’t rush. The aim of the walk is to recharge your batteries. To release tension and stress, and to fill yourself with peace and calm. Doing this will help you to feel more in control of your emotions. It will fill you with peace and allow you to manage stressful situations better.

If you are nervous about going alone it is okay to bring a friend. But better to choose someone who will not talk. You need to do this quietly and with focus. Any conversation will distract you from the mindfulness required to do this walk. It is okay if you and your friend occasionally notice a wave, rock, small fish etc. and discuss it reverently. But don’t allow talk to distract you. This is why I prefer to go alone. I want to be with my thoughts and gain maximum benefit from this mindfulness practice.

You don’t have to walk for hours. Even grabbing 5 minutes to walk is helpful. Just make sure you pay attention to your surroundings, to the placement of your feet, to the sound of the water, what you can see in the water and rock pools and take your time. No rushing.

If you don’t live near the sea, maybe you live near a lake, river, creek or other body of water. It is possible to mindfully walk around these bodies of water as well. It will be different, but it can still be mindful.

If you don’t have access to water, you could try mindfully walking through a park, a woodland, a grassland. Anywhere that is nature is great for mindfulness.

Researchers have found that being in nature is very calming. Even photos of nature are more calming that photos of other things.

Even walking around your backyard, placing one foot carefully and mindfully down on the ground, then placing the next foot and so on. Can be a beneficial mindful experience.

Why not try it sometime. Regular mindfulness practice is really helpful for managing stress and, when practised regularly, can be used to manage stressful events as they are happening or directly after they have happened.

If you would like to learn more about mindfulness or ways you can manage stressful situations better, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Alexithymia. What is it and do I have it?

A lot of people who come to see me about difficulties with life have alexithymia.

Alexithymia basically means you have problems feeling, identifying and expressing emotions. The word comes from Ancient Greek and means no words for emotion.

Researchers consider 1 in 10 people have this condition, so it is relatively common.

There are some conditions associated with Alexithymia. Autism is the best known, but people with Childhood PTSD, depression and a trauma history are also noted to have it.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE SIGNS OF ALEXITHYMIA?

What might you notice if you have alexithymia?

• You find it hard to understand what emotions you are experiencing

• It is hard to communicate your emotions to others

• Difficult to understand you own internal thoughts and feelings

• Difficulty identifying bodily sensations and the emotions they are connected to

• Difficulty identifying the emotions in others and responding to them

• Difficulty understanding the nonverbal communication of others

• You may experience difficulties with imagination

• You may have a thinking style that is logical and rigid and does not factor in emotions

• You may find it hard to cope with stress

• You may be less altruistic than other people

• You may find it hard connecting and relaxing with others and may appear to them to be distant, rigid and humourless.

• You may feel little satisfaction with your life.

WHAT PEOPLE EXPERIENCE

One person I spoke with described alexithymia as feeling an emotion in her body but her brain not being told about it. She experienced a disconnection between the sensations she was feeling in her body and her ability to understand and share with others what emotion was attached to those sensations. In other words, she found it difficult to identify and describe her emotions.

Another person I worked with used to journal what she was feeling in her body and anything happening around her or with her at the same time. Over time she identified sensations she understood to be certain emotions.

For example, she used to feel a pleasant sensation in the centre of her chest and found she experienced it whenever she thought about her children. She realised she was feeling love.

On occasion she would feel a funny bubbly feeling in her stomach that felt like it would explode. She realised this feeling came up when she was anticipating wonderful things about to happen. She realised she was excited.

She learned to attach the feelings to the emotions she had identified. But she is a long way from understanding all her feelings and she is still caught out by body sensations she has not learned to understand.

Not all people with alexithymia are able to learn to identify their emotions. But it can be worth trying. You never know, you may be able to learn to identify them.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE NOT LEARN TO IDENTIFY THEIR EMOTIONS?

Children learn to identify their emotions from their parents. Parents help children identify what they are feeling by naming the emotions they are feeling. When children feel safe in their environment they are able to learn to identify all the times they feel a certain emotion. As time goes on they can identify new emotions because they have learned that body sensations are linked to emotions and will search to understand new body sensations.

If a child is not interacted with in that way then it is difficult for them to learn this.

Neurodivergent children learn differently and need different approaches to teach them. If a child is identified as being neurodivergent they can be directed to programs to help them learn.

HOW DOES TRAUMA IMPACT LEARNING TO IDENTIFY EMOTIONS?

For children raised in trauma situations there is often no one to help them understand the array of emotions they feel. Also, trauma is terrifying. Fear activates protective responses in the brain that turn off conscious thinking in order to defend from danger. When the conscious brain is turned off then it is not possible to be aware of emotions, let alone understand them.

Additionally, there is frequently no one to help the child later to process the array of emotions they have just experienced. It is quite likely in those situations that the body sensations become linked to the trauma experience and suppressed.

Another way child don’t learn to understand their feelings is when children feel certain emotions and are overridden by adults in their life. An example may be when a child is afraid of something and are told not to be so silly and are forced to do what they are frightened of. Another example is when a child doesn’t want to play with someone because they feel uncomfortable around them and are told they are being ridiculous and forced to go play.

In both the above examples, the child’s feelings are dismissed and overridden. This causes the child to believe their internal feelings are not valid. That leads to them not trusting what they feel in their own bodies. So the child learns to ignore what they are feeling and can no longer identify what emotions they are experiencing.

Adults who have never learned to identify their emotions can become expert at shutting off contact with their bodies. For them, being asked what they are feeling in their bodies becomes impossible and stressful. They don’t know how to feel what is in their bodies. When they try they feel overwhelming fear because opening up their contact with their bodies releases a lifetime of locked away terrifying emotions.

CAN I LEARN TO FEEL MY EMOTIONS?

Yes, you can. It is not easy but you can. How do I know? Because I learned to do it once I became an adult. It took a long time, and a lot of healing, but I did it.

HOW I CAN HELP YOU

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to understand your emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

When Pollyanna Makes Things Worse

In my work I often talk with people about gratitude.

The idea of gratitude is not always well received.

There are a lot of wrong ideas about gratitude.

Maybe you hold those wrong ideas too? I used to.

GRATITUDE IS NOT ABOUT IGNORING THE BAD THINGS

Do you think gratitude is all about being ultra-positive? About ignoring the bad things in life? Much like Pollyanna in the books?

Do you think expressing gratitude means you have to be thankful for the awful things that happen in life? (As if you could).

That is not what gratitude is.

WHAT IS GRATITUDE, REALLY?

Gratitude means you sit with what has happened in your day. In all the stresses and disappointments.

It means you acknowledge the bad things.

It means you acknowledge “that hurts”.

It means you honour the things that happen to you. You don’t push the bad things away. You sit with them and allow them to be. You allow yourself to feel the pain and disappointment. You allow yourself to hold and integrate the pain.

HEALING THE PAIN

Did you know that allowing yourself to feel emotional pain. To feel the pain without fighting it. That once you feel that pain you can actually heal it.

That is not going to happen in a few seconds. It takes time for hurt to heal. As long as you are hurt, you are in pain. Allowing the hurt to take its time to heal will heal it faster. It will allow the pain to resolve sooner too.

It is possible to be hurt and learn to live with it, no longer being bound in the pain of the hurt.

HEALING THE PAIN OF THE PAST

You can do the same thing with things that have hurt you in the past. Those hurts you shoved down and tried to ignore. It is always possible to heal.

Hurt binds you. The pain traps you into patterns of behaviour designed to protect you. But allowing the hurt to be experienced and the pain to resolve will help.

BE CURIOUS

Be curious about the hurts you feel. Don’t run from them. Don’t fight them. Give them your caring love and attention. Just as you would sit with a friend who is hurting, do the same for yourself.

As you visit those hurts, allow yourself to feel the pain. Allow yourself to be curious. Breathe into the hurt, just as you may have learned to breathe into physical pain to relieve it. Breathe calmly. Don’t turn or run away. There is nothing to fear in old hurts.

LEARN TO HOLD YOURSELF WITH LOVE

Sometimes it can be helpful to see a counsellor who can help you hold the space while you heal. You can learn to hold yourself lovingly and with compassion. You can learn to give love to the parts of you that are hurting.

When those hurts are no longer binding you into protective behaviours you make room to be the real you. To experience all the wonder and joy of life.

To feel better able to express gratitude.

WHAT ABOUT GRATITUDE?

And as for gratitude. Don’t ignore the bad things that happen. Maybe you ended a relationship but found a friend who comforted you. Be grateful for the friend who cared enough to offer comfort.

Maybe your car broke down, and you were running late for an appointment. But the roadside assistance came in the form of a man who acknowledged how hard this was for you. You can be grateful that he wasn’t rude and he was helpful and caring. That is something to be grateful for.

Maybe in all the stresses and worries of the day, in all the worries about finances, relationships, and work, you looked up and noticed the most spectacular clouds in the sky. And for a moment you stopped and admired their beauty. Be grateful for that.

GRATITUDE MEANS FINDING THOSE SMALL GEMS OF GOOD AMONGST THE BAD

Being grateful doesn’t mean you ignore the bad things. It is always a good idea when express gratitude to also express why. If you are stressed about life and see the clouds in the sky. You can be grateful that despite your worries there is still beauty.

If you are grateful for the caring mechanic who helped you when your car was broken down. Be grateful that in the midst of a stressful situation someone was helpful and caring.

Bad things happen and they hurt. But there is always something to be grateful for, no matter how insignificant. It is how you maintain hope in the bleakest circumstances.

DO YOU NEED HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with healing from life’s hurts and learning to express gratitude, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How to Speak Your Truth When Your Abuser Has Died

So many people come to see me come after the death of their abuser.

They feel anger at the way this person was spoken about at the funeral.

That can be really hard. It can feel very disempowering, as though your voice is silenced and your experience doesn’t matter.

There seems to be a reluctance to be honest about people at their funerals. At some funerals I have attended it would seem the person who died was a saint when I knew they weren’t.

ABUSERS CAN PRESENT AS LOVELY TO OTHER PEOPLE

It is a sad fact of life that the person who abused you, who was awful to you, may well have been charming and seemingly wonderful to others.

So often you can feel you aren’t able to speak up about the way your abuser treated you in life.

I can relate to that. I sat through my mother’s funeral wondering if I was at the right funeral. The person being described was not the person I knew. It was not the abuser I knew.

HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD?

In learning to live after my mother’s death I had to accept that to other people she probably was a wonderful person.

Her inability to be a loving, caring supportive mother. Her inability to protect me from my abusive father. Her inability to attune to me or love me. These were all things that existed in the relationship she formed with me. They did not exist in the relationship she had with other people, even my siblings.

It can be hard to speak up at your abuser’s funeral. You may find you are removed from the funeral if you speak up. Or you may find others refute what you have said. Or you may not yet feel empowered enough to speak up.

Sometimes you need to find other ways to express what you want to say.

SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH

When I spoke to a counsellor I was able to tell her the things I wanted to say at my mother’s funeral but couldn’t. In counselling I often act as the witness to the story people want to tell about their past. And that is one way you can express what you want to say.

I wrote a letter to my siblings about my experience with my mother and they totally rejected it. Some people do the same thing and it is helpful. But it is important to bear in mind that others may not be willing to accept your story and may reject it.

I have had conversations with my mother, imagining she is standing in front of me, telling her how angry and hurt I was at her behaviour. I found that helpful. Others report the same experience. Again it can be helpful to have that conversation in a counselling session where it can be witnessed. I often guide people through doing this and then assist with letting the words go.

Another approach is to write a letter to your abuser, telling them everything you want to say to them. After writing the letter you can post it. Alternatively you can tear the letter up. Another approach is to burn the letter. I burned the letter I wrote to my mother.

Other people like to hold small ceremonies to express what they need to say about their abuser and letting them go.

Drawing or painting can be a way to let go of that person and express what you need to about them. Again I painted my feelings towards my mother and then burned what I had painted.

WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO EXPRESS YOUR TRUTH

It is important to express what you need to express to your abuser. This allows you to move on in life and live without their energy impacting on you. You deserve to be free.

WHERE YOU CAN GO FOR HELP

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with speaking your truth about your abuser and living a life free of their energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

9 Steps to Managing Conversations at the Dreaded Family Christmas

Families are never completely harmonious. They are comprised of people, bound together by genetic and marital ties, who often are not free to discuss conflicts as openly as is healthy. There are often undercurrents of tension and unresolved hurts in any family interactions.

Add a family Christmas, with all the stresses that “perfect” day brings. Add to the mix some freeing alcohol. Add to the mix the proximity with people who have caused those tensions and unresolved hurts.

Mix these ingredients and you have an explosive mix.

You can try to avoid difficult topics, but inevitably something will come up, particularly if you have the mix listed above.

Below are 8 steps you can use to survive the family Christmas. 8 steps to help you keep away from the difficult topics you may not be ready to discuss in a large family gathering.

PREPARE FOR THE DAY.

Are you expecting challenging topics of conversation? Plan in advance how to manage and deescalate these potential ignition points.
a) PLAN TO SET BOUNDARIES

You can set boundaries by letting family members know what areas are contentious and that you want avoided. You can practice how you will set this boundary in a positive, affirming way.

Maybe you might say something like: “I love seeing you and our time together is really great. There are just some things that we disagree on and maybe we can avoid discussing them today so that we can enjoy our time together.”

b) PREPARE AHEAD

Before you meet up, think about happy things you and this family member/s have in common. Are there happy childhood memories you can share, do you have the same interests? Brainstorm ideas of topics of conversation so you are ready to have a conversation. When you have no topic to discuss, conversations tend to follow well worn paths. If those well worn paths are the contentious ones, then that is what you are going to end up having a conversation about.

REDIRECT THE CONVERSATION.

Preparing ahead safe topics to discuss will allow you to quickly redirect the conversation to a safer topic that is related to the contentious topic. It is easier to pivot if the topic is related somehow, so if someone brings up a humiliating episode when you were a child and were swimming, you may bring in a conversation about wonderful beaches to visit and direct people to that topic. In that situation, the chances are that others in the conversation are not happy to bring up the humiliating episode either and will welcome the change to change the topic.

REHEARSE WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY.

When you are under stress, you will tend to do what is habitual. So well used responses to others will tend to be used. This will quickly derail your intention to steer away from the uncomfortable conversations. So practise what you will say. Have imaginary conversations where the other person says something they usually say, or makes a comment about a situation they usually comment on. Imagine redirecting the conversation away from that contentious comment and what you will say. While you are doing this, imagine being relaxed and able to deflect any triggers in their words. Imagine calmly setting a boundary, or redirecting the conversation, or making a statement.

While you are imagining this conversation, practice taking calming breaths and imagine you are releasing all the tension and it is flying away as you breathe out. As you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in peace and calm.

If you have a family member who makes highly politicised comments, or makes racist comments, or expresses strong extremist viewpoints, practice a statement that acknowledges their opinion but indicates it is not up for discussion. The well tried response to this is to “agree to disagree” and have no more conversation around that.

Sometimes these statements are deliberate attempts to bait you into responding. Don’t. Set the boundary and try to change the topic of conversation. If the person still persists, walk away. Take a walk around the block if you need to calm down. Just remain calm until you are somewhere where it is safe for you to be upset. More on that later.

BRING OUT THE OLD HAPPY MEMORIES.

This is another redirecting technique. Bringing out a positive family story involving a happy memory. The more family members involved in this memory the better. If you start off saying “Remember when xxx” you are inviting others to add their recollections of the memory. Not only is that fun to share in happy reminiscences, it also shuts down anyone negative due to the weight of people participating in a new conversation.

Remember, a family member who is difficult for you to get along with, may also be difficult for others to get along with. Other family members may welcome your efforts to redirect the conversation and be more than happy to jump in with enthusiasm. After all, everyone wants to have a lovely day.

FOCUS ON FUN FAMILY TRADITIONS.

There will no doubt be things your family enjoy doing together on family occasions. There are families that love to gather around the piano and sing Christmas carols. Others love to play games. Others have a post Christmas lunch walk.

If your family has traditions then make sure they are carried out. If they don’t have any, then introduce some new things you think family members will be interested in. Prepare the ground for this. Talk about this “fun” idea with family members you think will be useful allies in this so that when you introduce the idea it will be supported by other people. These traditions are a great way to distract from unpleasant conversations.

PRACTICE GRATITUDE.

In the lead up to Christmas, think of at least 10 things to be grateful for each day. Write them down and say them out loud, followed by three thank yous. Slowly introduce gratitudes for family members.

Don’t force the jolliness. Find things you are genuinely grateful for. They may range from extraordinary things to the seemingly mundane such as your health, your home, your job and so on.

Each day add gratitudes for family members. Start with the ones you love seeing. As you get close to Christmas think about the ones that cause you grief. Is there anything about them you like? Anything about them you admire? Try to find something to be grateful for about them. One might be that they are diligent about attending the family Christmas every year. Another might be they help with the washing up. Another might be they love their car. Find something to be grateful for.

Finding positives help you to feel more empowered and more in control of those difficult situations. It also helps to see the main protagonists as people with less power than you thought they had.

FIND ALLIES.

Think about who will be at the Christmas event and identify those you find supportive. They may be the type who will speak up and support you at the time of the difficulty, or they may be someone you can speak to later to help you calm down.

It is easier to manage in stressful situations when you know you have support.

PRACTICE CALMING TECHNIQUES.

One of the easiest ways to calm down is breathing. It is best to practice this technique in advance so that it is second nature when you need it. If you try this for the first time when you need it, it is unlikely to work effectively.

a) MINDFUL BREATHING

The best way to practice is to start small.

• Set a reminder on your phone for every hour if possible.

• Now prepare to breathe for 1 minute.

• Set a timer for 1 minute.

• Sit quietly with your hands resting in your lap.

• You may choose to let your focus slip or you may choose to close your eyes.

• Now breathe in while noticing the feeling of the air entering your nose and your chest and tummy rising with the in breath.

• Now breathe out while notice the feeling of your chest and tummy falling and the feeling of the air passing through your nose.

• With the next in breath, imagine you are inhaling calming air. Imagine it is a beautiful calming colour such as blue or green, whatever your find calming. See that coloured air entering your nose and lungs.

• Now breathe out all the tension and difficult emotions. Imagine the air you breathe out is the colour of tension and difficult emotions such as red, whatever you find expresses what you are feeling.

• Continue breathing in calm and breathing out tension. You can say to yourself I am breathing in calm on the in breath. And you can say I am breathing out tension/anger (name emotion) on the out breath.

• If you notice your mind wander away from noticing your breath just return your attention to your breath without judging yourself.

• Continue until 1 minute is up. Notice how you are feeling calmer and more in control of your emotions.

If you practice your 1 minute mediation as often as you can you may consider the next day practising for 5 minutes sometimes and 1 minute at others.

Practice as often as you can. When you need this calming at the Christmas event you will find it easier to slip into the practice if you have taken the time to practice in advance.

You can use mindful breathing sitting or moving around. Many people practice as they are walking. This is something you might try if you need to get some space away from the difficult people.

b) RELEASING WALK

The walk works like this:

• Don’t rush to push the emotions you feel away. Allow yourself to feel them, name them and walk them out. Stamp if you need to, walk fast if you need to. Swing your arms around. Whatever allows you to release what you are feeling.

• Once you have allowed yourself that time and you have acknowledged and released the emotions you can then walk at a calmer pace at your speed.

• Notice what is around you. What can you see, hear, smell, touch or taste?

• Take a deep in breath. Notice the sensation of that breath entering your body as you walk.

• Release that breath and notice the sensation of it leaving your body as you walk.

• Continue breathing and paying attention to your breath.

• Remember to breathe in calm and breathe out stress, anger and/or other distressing emotions you are experiencing.

• As you notice yourself feeling calmer, you can start paying attention to the beauty around you.

• Remember to just return your attention to your breath if your mind starts to wander.

• As you settle into this calming routine, allow yourself to feel your feet on the ground. Feel the ground supporting you are you walk.

• Allow yourself to feel the air around you. Feel the air wrapping you in its loving embrace.

• Continue walking, feeling the calm and feeling the support that surrounds you.

• When you are ready you can return to the gathering.

• You may decide to stay there, you may decide to communicate boundaries, you may decide to leave. Do whatever feels right for you.

MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS

If you feel that it is too distressing to attend the family Christmas, make other arrangements.

Maybe you would like to attend a community lunch.

Maybe you know other people who are on their own at Christmas. Perhaps you can get together to celebrate.

Maybe you would like the day alone with some lovely food and a stack of movies/games/books you would love to watch.

You may even find other family members don’t like the event and would be happy to do something with you instead.

A FINAL WORD

You have prepared yourself for the family Christmas and it is still difficult. Be okay with that. Don’t forget your strategies. Set realistic expectations of how people will be and prepare for this.

Do take the time to take some calming breaths before responding to other people. It can help to name what you are feeling. This allows you to cope better. It also allows you space to decide to not react to this person. It is in this moment you may choose to walk away, or calmly say their comment is inappropriate, or not funny, or unacceptable or anything else.

People can get to you with their behaviour and comments because you have unresolved hurts. After Christmas, review the family Christmas. What came up for you? Is there something you need to resolve. Counselling can be really helpful to explore and resolve old hurts. You can also learn helpful strategies to cope.

WHERE TO GET HELP

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your unresolved hurts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

PLEASE NOTE PLENTIFUL LIFE COUNSELLING WILL BE CLOSED FROM 5PM 21 DECEMBER 2022 AND WILL RE OPEN AT 9AM ON 9 JANUARY 2023.