There is a belief that grief ends. That we go through some process of grieving and emerge at the end with our grief ended.
My question to those of you who are grieving is: Do you want to come to a day when the person you love does not matter any more?
I don’t know anyone who answers yes to that question.
The reality is, if we loved someone we will always miss them. There will always be pain at their loss. They will always be part of our life. They will always matter. For that reason the pain will always be there.
But I also know people who want the pain to end.
I can tell people that the acute pain will some day be transformed into something more manageable. There will still be pain, especially on special days and times that remind us of the person we loved so much. But the acute pain will subside.
As for the other aspects of grief:
Life will never be the same. There will be a new normal that includes the loss of the person you loved. You will live your life with the memory of what you have lost, with the memory of the person you loved and the grief at them leaving. They will always be part of you and anything you do will be experienced through the lens of that person’s loss.
I have heard people describe the sadness of their loss, their yearning for a day with the person they loved so much and the pain of that loss. I have also heard people talk about their love for the person they lost. I have heard them speak with gratitude of the relationship they had with that person. And I have heard them talk about the happy memories they have of time with that person.
People love to reminisce about the good times. Those reminiscences are important. It is important for families to share these memories too, especially when there are children in the family. Family stories are important for children to learn about themselves and to connect to past generations. Those stories help children feel connected with life and are an important template of connection with society.
Remember the scars on your body that are always there. Grief is like a scar. It is always there. But like a physical scar, it fades over time and you learn to live with it.
The first time I encountered the death of a person was when I was 12 and my grandmother suffered a cardiac arrest while my brother and I were visiting. I had just been taught how to perform CPR and no one else knew what to do, so I stepped in and performed CPR on her. The only problem was that when I was taught CPR someone decided children should not be told that the person they work on may die. Instead we were told that all you had to do was bounce on someone’s chest and give them rescue breaths and they would be fine. So what does a 12 year old believe when instead of being fine the grandmother she just performed CPR dies? My family did not discuss things. This is despite the fact my mother was a school counsellor. She was woefully inadequate at attuning to or meeting the needs of her children. She didn’t even have the understanding that her 12 year old daughter was not fine, but was actually full of guilt, believing she killed her grandmother because she must have done something wrong. She obviously thought that telling me that “Nanna didn’t want to continue living if repeated heart attacks were to be her life” was somehow comforting. All that told me was that my mother knew I had done the wrong things and I felt even guiltier Apart from my brother making a comment that he was glad I knew how to perform CPR because he had no idea what to do other than call an ambulance, there was never any mention of what I had done. Further proof to me that the family knew I had done the wrong thing and weren’t going to talk about it. We didn’t talk about Nanna. We didn’t talk about her death. There was an impersonal funeral run by a chaplain who did not know my grandmother. No one cried. My mother prided herself on not showing emotion and we were expected to do the same. Fast forward seven years and I was a student nurse working on a busy medical ward. There was a woman there with a blood clot in her leg Despite being on treatment for this, the woman developed another blood clot. And then it started spreading. Both legs suddenly were blocked by blood clots. Her veins were full of them. Then they spread to her arteries. Her doctor visited with a look of great concern on his face. This woman was really ill. She was moved to a private room. She was in agony with the blockages of blood flow in her legs. I arrived at work one sunny Sunday afternoon to find her very ill. She was being given drugs to dissolve the clots, but they weren’t working. The woman’s legs were swollen and a terrible array of colours. Her entire body was turning yellow. She was in terrible pain. Her shocked family were hovering around her bed. We needed to change her sheets and asked the family to wait in the visitor’s room next door. As we changed the sheets on a bed in disarray the registered nurse I was with suddenly told me to get her family in. She recognised something I had never seen before. This woman was about to die. So the family came in and spent her last moments with her. Then they waited in the visitor’s room as the registered nurse and I washed her, put her in a fresh nightie, and changed the sheets. Some nice flowers and gentle music were the final steps in transforming the room into a peaceful place. We then left the room so her family could come and spend time with her. It was so wonderful to see that her family’s last memories of her would be looking clean, fresh and peaceful. I learned that day how precious the act of washing the body of someone who has died is. How precious leaving them in peace and in a tranquil setting is. How much a blessing that is to their family. I left the room to continue my work with a feeling of joy at the precious gift I had been able to give that woman. As I walked down the ward, I saw the woman’s bed room companion walking down the hall. I smiled at her. Her response was a total shock to me. She burst out angrily and abused my lack of caring about this woman’s death. I was shocked. I cared very much that this woman was dead, that is why I was happy. I was happy because she was at peace. I was happy because I had been blessed with the opportunity to do something special to her. I have never lost that feeling at caring for a dead person. I have the deepest respect for those who have died and am grateful for the opportunity to show that respect. Not everyone feels that way. Not everyone grieves the same way. The woman’s bed room companion felt I was being uncaring because I smiled. For her grief is about crying and being sombre. For me death is just a stage in life. I was raised on the Celtic belief that we pass over to the next realm at death. For me death is not the end. For me there are two responses to death. There is the love and respect at a person reaching the next stage in their life. Then there is the experience of those who are left. As a 12 year old I had never encountered the death of a person before. I wondered what it meant. I eventually concluded it meant I would never be able to see my grandmother again. I would never hear her voice or answer the phone to a call from her. I would never be able to tell her things. She was gone and there was a silence where she had been. By the time I was 19 I had learned so much more about death. I had spent the intervening years reading Elizabeth Kubler Ross and other people who wrote about death. I had taken to heart their observations that our society is removed from death. That we now ignore and sanitise death as much as possible. That most people die in hospitals, hidden away from the world. That we no longer learn to live with death and find meaning in the act of death itself. At 19 I learned a new aspect of death. The sacredness. The dignity. I had learned that there is the experience of the person who dies. For most death is a peaceful passage from life. But in my years as a nurse I encountered the occasional person who fought death. Whose terror was palpable. In those years I lacked the understanding to be able to help them. I also learned that there are those who love those who are dying. They are the ones left with the hole in their lives where the person they loved once was. There are the ones left to continue living in a world without their loved one. Each person who has lost someone they love will respond differently. I noticed as a young nurse the pressure placed on people to follow a particular pattern of behaviour. I noticed how people were judged by their responses. How people would measure how much they cared by their adherence to societal norms around death. This still happens today, but fortunately to a lesser extent. People are better informed now than they used to be. But there are still expectations placed on people. If you want to help someone who has lost a loved one the best thing you can do is just be with them. Let them know you are willing to listen if they want to talk, but you will just be there. Don’t talk. Don’t offer platitudes like “he is in a better place”, “It is all for the best”, “he is out of pain”, “you can always have another child”, “she wouldn’t have wanted to live with repeated heart attacks”. In the support you give never forget the children. Children lack the understanding of life that adults have. They don’t know how to express their emotions. They don’t understand what is happening. Make sure you give them the opportunity to ask questions, but only if they want to. Give them space to talk. Demonstrate willingness to listen. Refer them to counselling if you think that will help. Don’t assume they are alright. When I was 12 I was not alright. As the years progressed and I became a Registered Nurse, I wondered why I shook uncontrollably whenever I took part in resuscitating someone. At 39 a patient of mine choked to death, despite my best efforts. In the debriefing I realised it was just like my grandmother’s death. Sadly there was no follow on for me to get help. Some years later I was completing an advanced first aid test and was given a scenario to perform. The scenario was finding a choking person on the floor. I froze. I was unable to do anything. I couldn’t move, talk or understand what was happening. I was thrown back into the death of my patient and further back to my grandmother’s death. Since then I have received my own counselling for that. Had I received counselling at the time of my grandmother’s death I would have been able to process what had happened and not been so impacted. There are two take aways from this blog. The first is that everyone’s experience of death and way of grieving is different. The second is to make sure everyone gets support, including the children. Remember, just because someone appears to get on with life don’t assume they are coping.
the tasks of grieving are many and varied and can spill over each other
I was reminded recently of this problem when I had a number of clients come to see me who were all experiencing difficulties with people telling them they “weren’t grieving the right way”.
I find it unbelievable that anyone could say that. I also think it is a terribly unsupportive and cruel thing to say to someone who is grieving.
We are all individuals and we all react to life situations differently. Just because we react differently does not mean we are reacting the wrong way. There are as many ways to grieve as there are bereaved people.
If you have a friend, colleague or family member who is grieving, don’t tell them how to grieve. Be there for them. Ask if they are okay. Listen to them without judgement and without trying to find solutions for their grief. Be there long after the funeral, when most people have lost interest and got on with their lives. Don’t set a time limit on their grief. That means let them be happy however early or late in their grieving they express happiness. That means let them want to hide themselves away from the world to lick their wounds. Just be there and check in on them occasionally. Invite them places but don’t force them to come. Just let them know the door is open should they care to step through it.
Some people want to cry, a lot, when they are grieving. Others cry when you can’t see them and appear happy and settled when you can see them. Some may want to keep the person’s room as a shrine, never touching anything. Others rush to give away all their clothing. Both are right ways to be. If that is what they want.
Some people turn their loved one’s clothes into soft toys, bed covers, clothing so they can remember them. Some people do that for their bereaved friend.
Some people take time off work and spend time sitting in the loved one’s room, or favourite chair, or visiting their favourite place. Others keep working.
The list goes on.
The main point of this is to remember that everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Current research into grief shows that we have tasks we attend to when grieving. There are the tasks of everyday life and there are the tasks of grieving. We need to spend time attending to both types of tasks. Some will spend more time on the everyday life tasks whereas others will spend more time on the grieving tasks. Everyone will spend varying time on both sets of tasks and this will vary from day to day, from month to month. There is no magic formula on how much time is allocated to attend to these tasks. If you see someone going back to work a day or so after their loss, do not tell them they aren’t grieving properly. They are grieving, just differently to your expectations. Obviously, if someone comes back to work and they obviously are not coping, then it may be helpful to check in on them. They may appreciate the opportunity to go somewhere quieter, or even walk outside, and share how they are feeling. If they realise they need to go home that is okay. A person can only know what they can cope with if they try to do things.
Another thing research shows is that, as meaning making people, we need to be able to make meaning from the loss of a loved one. That can mean we do things other than sit around crying. Or we can sit around crying and then want to do what others may consider are very strange things. Grief hits everyone in different ways and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
So if you are grieving, seek out those who will sit with you and listen. These people are the ones that will check in with you to see if you are okay, who will sit and listen without offering solutions, who will be there long after the funeral. These friends will not ask if you are finished grieving yet, nor will they tell you you are not grieving enough. These friends will not set a time limit on your grief and will allow you to feel sad on your loved one’s birthday, anniversary of their death, and other anniversaries. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to have great days and horrible days. Most of all, give yourself as much time as you need. The pain will never go away, but you will learn to live with it and move forward with life.
Dissociation is when your mind disconnects from the present moment. It is actually a break in how your mind handles information. Everyone dissociates at differing levels. Everyone can report times when they daydreamed or their mind wandered. These are the “penny for your thoughts” moments when other people notice you aren’t focused on what is happening around you. You may be aware of feeling disconnected from your thoughts, feelings memories and surroundings.
Some people report it is like watching themselves from a distance. Sometimes this may feel like an out of body experience. While you are dissociating, your perception of time can be affected. You may forget things or have gaps in your memory. You may feel a sense of the world not being real. You may even feel you aren’t real. Dissociation has a big impact on your sense of identity. You may feel like you are a different person. You may be aware of your heart pounding, or of feeling light headed. You may feel emotionally numb or separated from what is happening around you. You may have no sensations from your body at all. You may have no memory of how you got to where you are.
Other things you may feel include experiencing tunnel vision, hearing voices, having intense flashbacks that feel like they are happening now, being unable to move. Or you may feel totally involved in a fantasy world that feels like it is real.
Dissociation is not a bad thing. Everyone dissociates at some time or other. Where dissociation becomes a problem is when it interferes with your everyday life.
If you have been through a traumatic event, you are likely to have dissociated. This could be anything from a child being verbally abused by an adult, where the child was unable to escape the abuse and was frightened, shamed and anxious. The child will usually dissociate to cope with the terrifying situation. Children who have been abused will often find it hard to remember events.
If you have been in an accident, such as a car accident. You may remember that time seemed to slow. You may also have trouble remembering what you did after the accident or immediately before. These are all due to dissociation.
Some people have had so much trauma in their childhood or as adults that they develop a dissociative disorder. They often do not know they have it. Some signs you may notice in someone who has a dissociative disorder include: rapid mood swings, trouble remembering personal details, forgetting appointments that have been made or things that have been said or done, changes in behaviour and capabilities from day to day, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, feeling suicidal, self harming, substance abuse, you may appear to space out a lot as well, the world may not feel real, you may feel disconnected from your surroundings or feel you are watching yourself from outside. As well as the symptoms already mentioned, children may have imaginary friends and have learning disabilities.
Why is trauma in childhood so damaging?
When a child is abused or bullied, they are in a powerless situation. Abuse and bullying, which is a form of abuse, are about power. The perpetrator exerting power over the victim. When you are in a powerless situation it is extremely frightening. For an adult, with all the brain development and skills of an adult, it is frightening. But an adult has skills to deal with that. For a child, whose brain is still developing and who has yet to learn all the adult skills, it is even worse. In a powerless situation there is a sense of helplessness, along with fear and pain. The pain may not be physical pain but emotional pain triggers the same pain centres in the brain as physical pain, so the impacts are the same. Shame is also a large part of the response in the victim of abuse. Dissociation is a coping mechanism. We have many ways of coping with things. One of those ways is to avoid the situation. If you are trapped in an abusive situation and cannot escape, the only way to avoid the situation is to dissociate. Disconnecting from the situation is a way of cooping with the terrifying feelings of helplessness, fear, pain and shame.
Some people dissociate more than others. This may be a learned response to previous traumas.
As I mentioned previously, we all dissociate to some extent. It is only when the dissociating interferes with our lives that we need to do something about it.
Many people who have suffered past trauma and dissociated manage life fairly well. They just know that they don’t handle things as well as they should. They may need a lot of alcohol or drugs to cope with life. They may find themselves behaving in ways they don’t like, but feel powerless to stop. They may find they go along with things others want them to do, even though they don’t want to. They may find certain behaviours in others, places, smells, colours trigger feelings and reactions in them but they don’t know why. They may be aware of something wrong with their childhood but not have any memories of anything wrong. They may have a sense of not knowing who they are. They may wonder why they keep finding themself in the same terrible situation with an abusive person and now know why.
So what do I do about it?
If you know or suspect trauma in your past, it is really important to find a qualified counsellor. A counsellor who is not qualified may cause terrible harm. The qualified person will have a counselling, social work or psychology degree. They will also have extra training in trauma and dissociation. One of the best training organisations for this in Australia is the Blue Knot Foundation. They have guidelines for trauma therapists on working with trauma and dissociation. They also run training for professionals. For you the Blue Knot Foundation also runs workshops for trauma survivors.
I am a qualified counsellor with a Bachelor and Master Degree in Counselling. I have also trained with the Blue Knot Foundation for the past eight years and continue to attend workshops annually. I follow the Trauma Guidelines and Dissociation Guidelines in my work.
Trauma work is not short. It will take time. Trauma tends to come in layers. You may work with a counsellor for some time, dealing with the outermost layer. You may then go away for a while and consolidate the healing you have achieved. You may then find more areas (the next layer) to work on. You may go back to counselling, either with the same counsellor or someone else. Healing is a lifelong thing.
If you would like to subscribe to my newsletters and training offers, you can email me on nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au and include your name and the subjects you are particularly interested in. You are free to unsubscribe from my mailing list at any time.
Some say you should never view the person because you should remember them as they were.
Others say it is important to view the person to be able to realise they are actually dead.
So what should you do?
When I was a nurse I saw many people die and had the privilege of washing their bodies after death. Some people I never saw alive, they died before I was able to meet them. But I still washed their bodies with the reverence of someone I had nursed for some time.
I saw people die in terrible pain. In beds messy from their discomfort. I felt the atmosphere of the room as they died. Sometimes their families were able to be with them. Sometimes the end came so suddenly the family was not there.
One blessing I was able to give the families, was to see their loved one lying peacefully in clean sheets with a peaceful atmosphere in the room. That is how I wanted to see my loved ones who died.
When my grandmother died, no one looked at her body. That was my first encounter with death and I wished I had been able to see her looking peaceful. Instead I had a memory of her lying in her clothes on the floor with her teeth out as I tried to resuscitate her.
When my grandfather died I asked to see his body. I had not been there for his death and I wanted to see him. I was glad I did, although the funeral home had coloured his grey hair black and it did not look like him. It meant a lot to me and still does.
When my mother died I was able to see her in the palliative care unit before her body was taken away. I saw her again in the funeral home because other relatives wanted to see her. It was helpful to see her. And this time the funeral directors left her hair white!
When my father died I was not even told. So I never got to see him or say goodbye.
Different experiences and different outcomes.
My father was forced to see a dead relative when he was a child and he was traumatised by it. For that reason, he was not supportive of anyone in the family seeing a dead relative. He was opposed to seeing any loved one after death.
I saw many families come to visit their loved one in hospital and saw the comfort it gave.
I have seen beautiful things done at funerals when the children affected are encouraged to write or draw something for their loved one and put it in their coffin.
I have heard from people who do not ever want to see their loved one dead. I have also heard from people who found great comfort in seeing their loved one dead.
I have seen people who wanted to view their loved one and were talked out of it. I have heard their regret at not being able to see them and now it is too late.
Ultimately, it is your choice. The difficulty lies with those who seek to convince you that you should or shouldn’t see your loved one. It is important to remember that the arguments presented to you are about the person who speaks the argument and their feelings. They are not about your feelings.
If you are facing that difficult choice. It is best to seek time alone to connect with yourself. To think about what you really want and to listen to your instinct. If you feel it is important to view your loved one. Then do it. If you find it hard to do alone, then find someone who is supportive and bring them along too.
If you have children you would like to be involved in a viewing, it is wise to ensure they talk about their loved one before you go in. Be open. Talk about what the loved one meant to you and encourage them to talk about that to. It can be wonderful for them to draw or write something, or find some little memento to put in the coffin. They may want to put flowers, a picture, a drawing or some other item in the coffin. Model by your behaviour the respect you wish them to have for your loved one and ways to grieve. Give the children a chance to talk about the loved one during the viewing and afterwards. If a child decided they do not want to come in or approach the coffin, let them. Just give them space and time. They may decide after a little while to come closer, or they may be content just knowing they can. It is always important they are given an opportunity to talk about their loved one later. The first death a child encounters will teach them much about how to grieve. So be open with them. Encourage them to talk about the person. Reassure them that you are hurting, but that doesn’t mean they can’t talk to you. Let them see you cry. Let them see you happy. Reassure them that they may want to cry or may want to be happy too. Remember that children keep a lot of what they think hidden so it is important to allow them space to talk if they need to. For both you and the children, don’t be afraid to engage with a counsellor if any of you need that.
As for the viewing, remember, funeral homes have a room set aside for a viewing. These rooms are quiet and peaceful and the funeral staff are very respectful and very aware of your needs. There is usually somewhere quiet you can sit afterwards as well.
Whatever choice you make, be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to take time out to grieve when you need it.
At Plentiful Life Counselling I am ensuring that I am up to date with any new developments and want to ensure the safety of clients, their families and the therapist. I have completed the COVID-19 Infectious Diseases training offered by the Australian Government to ensure I am putting in place the correct safety measures.
Counselling is currently seen as an essential service so I
will be doing my best to continue to offer sessions. I recognise and understand
the feelings of anxiety, distress and concern many people may be experiencing
in relation to COVID-19. During this time it is important to look after
yourself and engage your support systems.
I will be continuing to offer sessions. Where possible the
sessions will be offered via Zoom Video Conferencing. However, I recognise that
for some people video or telephone sessions are not possible or practical so I
will continue to offer face to face sessions with the following precautions to
minimise risks while I support you:
. There are more robust hygiene processes in place based on
information provided by the World Health Organisation, Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention (CDC) as well as the Australian Government Department of
Health (www.health.gov.au).
. I continue to wash my hands between clients and sanitise
surfaces.
. I expect clients will wash their hands before their
session. There are bathrooms situated on the driveway (men’s toilet) and
between the two buildings (women’s toilet). There is soap in the toilets but no
paper towel as it keeps getting stolen. It is advisable to bring your own towel/paper
towel for drying your hands after washing.
. If you are sick do not come to the appointment. Instead
ring me before the appointment time and we can have the session over telephone
or video conferencing.
. There will be no handshaking or getting closer than the
advised 1.5 metre social distancing gap. I will be using Namaste as a greeting and
goodbye instead.
. I will not be using the sand tray due to the difficulty of
sanitising between clients. Instead the symbols will be used on an alternative
surface. All symbols, including ones that are touched but not used, will be
sanitised after the end of each session.
. I ask all clients to be open and honest in communicating
about the following risks:
Any travel overseas or interstate since 1
January 2020
Any flu or cold like symptoms that are currently
being experienced
You have been instructed to self isolate or self
quarantine.
You have had contact with anyone who has tested positive
for COVID-19.
Thank you for your understanding and
patience during this time. I will continue to update you as changes happen and
if further changes to sessions occur. Please feel free to contact me to discuss
this further and let me know what your preference moving forward would be.
I have previously discussed the fawn response in a blog, but
I want to go back and explain in more detail the five stages of the danger
response. Our brains have a large number of danger responses. The responses activate
different parts of our nervous system and have different effects on our ability
to cope with a perceived threat.
I will start at the top of the brain. This response is
referred to by many names. It is often called the mammalian response because it
is part of the higher order functions of the brain that are only seen in mammals.
It is also referred to as the ventral vagus response because the ventral portion
of the vagus nerve, which is the last cranial nerve, is the nerve activated in
this response. This is also referred to as the Safe and Social response.
When a person faces a threat the first thing their brain
considers is “Can I protect myself through authentic connection with others?”. If
the answer is yes, the person will seek out others for support. They may look
around for a look or word of reassurance from another person. They may cry,
which will bring another person to them for support. They may seek another
person out for a hug.
If the person’s brain decides they cannot protect themselves
through authentic connection with another person, it will move to the next
response. In this response a part of the nervous system known as the
sympathetic nervous system is activated. This response is most commonly
referred to as the flight response.
In this response the brain considers “Can I protect myself from
this threat by running away? If the answer is yes, the person will run away
from the threat. They will actually leave, either by running away or making an
excuse to leave.
If the person’s brain decides they cannot protect themselves
by running it may ask the question “Can I protect myself from this threat by
being assertive and addressing the threat head on, or by more stringent means?”
If the answer is yes, the person will stay and try to defend themselves. This
may look like them being calm and assertive (not necessarily that calm inside!)
or, if assertiveness is not working, it may look like the person being angry
and possibly using physical actions to defend themselves. This response is
known as the fight response.
If the response of the brain is that it is not possible to
protect the person by staying and fighting it will move to the next response.
Here the brain is beginning to activate the dorsal part of the vagus nerve. The
response is known as the fawn response and the brain consideration is “Can I
protect myself by suppressing my true self?” If the answer is yes, the person
will try to placate the other person. They may go along with whatever the other
person is saying. They may be apologetic. They may be totally submissive to the
other person.
If the person’s brain decides the fawn response will not
protect them the dorsal vagus nerve will swing into full activation and they
will enter the freeze response. The question the brain has answered here is “Can
I protect myself by shutting down, disconnecting or collapsing?” The person
affected by the freeze response may collapse, they may remain upright by become
totally unresponsive, they may appear to be far away and not respond to
anything that is said to them. When a person disconnects they actually
dissociate. In short, their mind goes somewhere else. This is very common with
abused children. They are rarely able to escape the abusive adult and will
disconnect. We all have the capacity to dissociate, some more than others. We may
even find we do this in adulthood.
With the exception of the Mammalian or safe and social
danger response, the danger responses are actions of the brain that is outside
conscious control. Once into the Sympathetic and dorsal vagal activation you
cannot control what you are doing. That can be scary for you and hard for other
people observing. You may feel you are a bad person for reacting that way but
you don’t choose that reaction. Nor can you control it. You may find other people
being judgemental because they do not understand this reaction is not your
choice. This lack of control is sometimes known as “flipping your lid”.
It is possible to bring things under control. When I work
with people who have suffered trauma we address ways to manage these reactions
and I teach people how to understand triggers and signs that these reactions
are about to happen.
We do not have to be slaves to our danger responses. We can
learn to manage them and heal.
It is autumn and you are walking through a woodland. As you
walk you look down and notice there are leaves on the ground. These leaves are
different to the leaves you usually see. These leaves have feelings. As you
look at them you can see some are sad. Others are angry. There are also ones
that are guilty, lonely, and so on. The leaves are all different colours.
Now imagine you are walking through the leaves. As you walk
through them, they swirl in the air. You can see the leaves and their feelings.
As you look you notice one that feels right for you to hold. Pick it up. There may
be more than one leaf you want to hold. That is okay.
Now look at the leaves.
Which feelings did you pick up?
What do they tell you about what you are feeling right now?
What colour is each leaf and what are their feelings?
What do you want to do with this leaf/these leaves?
Now open your eyes.
—
This is an exercise I often use with people in grief and
loss groups I run.
The feelings people report are not surprisingly a multitude
of diverse feelings. But they are not that unique. Most people report the same
feelings.
There are many more, but these are the ones the participants
in my groups have listed.
Some words come up at high frequency. Interestingly the
highest frequency words are loss, fear, pain, woe and rage.
Many people describe these feelings as a tangled ball of
grief, with the feelings tangled into and around each other.
I use this exercise to allow people the opportunity to understand
that they are not mad. The jumble of emotions they are feelings are common to most
people who are grieving. It allows them to understand it is okay to feel these
diverse feelings.
Many people feel bad if they are angry, resentful or feel
betrayed. But these feelings are ones that most people experience. When loss happens,
it shatters a person’s world and the sense of safety and security in that world.
This happens with any type of loss, not just the death of a loved one. It is not
surprising there are jumbled, tangled, diverse emotions. If you find yourself
in a place of loss where you are surrounded by the jumble of emotions be kind
to yourself. Be as compassionate to yourself as you would be to a friend in
that situation. Allow yourself to lock yourself away and not talk to people if
you need to. Just make sure you don’t lock yourself away for too long. Allow yourself
to take time out. This is particularly important at the funeral. You are not
there to be the queen of hospitality and attend to everyone else’s needs. You
are grieving. Give yourself permission to not be there for others. Walk away
from the throng to give yourself some space if you need to. In the weeks and
months to follow and on the anniversaries, allow yourself the bad days when you
just want to shut the door on the world. But remember to allow yourself the good
days when you actually feel happy. It is not a betrayal of your loved one to
feel happiness.
The biggest message for your grief and loss journey is that
you will feel an incredible diversity of emotions, often within a short period
of time. You will most likely find it hard to think and make decisions. You
will think you are going mad. But you are not. Be compassionate and allow yourself
time and space to fall apart, rage, cry, laugh, be frightened. It takes time to
rebuild that shattered world.
I am writing today about the reaction of people to the emergence of the COVID-19 pandemic. For many this is a very stressful time. There are many whose mental health and wellbeing is being affected by the development of this pandemic.
There are those who fall into the category of highest risk for a severe, even deadly, infection. They have good cause to fear the infection.
There are those who have a loved one who is in the highest risk for a severe, even deadly, infection. They have good cause to fear the infection being caught by their loved one.
One such person is Amy, who is half way through her current course of chemotherapy for cancer. She has worked really hard over the past year to heal herself from cancer. The cancer is showing signs of retreating and she feels she is finally reaching a stage where she can believe she is going to survive this. Now there is an infection that could prove fatal if she catches it. She is worried and so are her doctors. Her oncologist has advised her to wear a face mask and goggles if she is out in public. For her this is a scary time. It has now become scarier due to the reactions of other people she encounters when she is out. Many people mock her for her “overreaction” but her precautions are appropriate for someone in her situation. She is frightened and finding herself overcome by anxiety and becoming frightened of leaving the house. She is managing this by seeing me. She has decided she needs to control her anxiety, because it is affecting her immune system. She feels safe in my rooms because I take the recommended precautions to maintain a high standard of hygiene in my rooms and wash my hands thoroughly between clients. I also monitor the people who come to my rooms. Of course, should Amy feel the need, she can have a session via video link as well.
Jody and Brad have also come to see me. For two years their 5 year old has endured many treatments for cancer. They have found the rollercoaster ride of health crises and set backs devastating. Their child is severely immunocompromised as a result of the treatments received. They have nearly lost their child 5 times and fear the very real threat of COVID-19. They are also taking precautions to protect their child. Brad is working from home and isolating himself in the house. Jody’s job involved interactions with members of the public and she is, at the advice of her child’s specialist, wearing a face mask and goggles. She gets funny looks from people, but most people have been understanding. She however is terrified she will get the infection and may pass it on to her child. She has already been severely traumatised by the last two years of her child’s illness. She and Brad have been seeing me through videolink to help them cope with the added stress.
Then there are those who find the presence of an infection they fear may be deadly causes them to face their fear of death.
Those who are not frightened often find those who are afraid, particularly those who stockpile food and hygiene items, are funny, or annoying, or inferior.
Certainly it is annoying when you run out of essential supplies because frightened people are hoarding things they don’t need to hoard. But compassion is essential here. Yes, the media is reporting every sensational twist in great detail and frightening people. Yes, the politicians are holding a lot of press conferences on the importance of taking this seriously. Some of what they say is important, and some is just political. It is very hard to know what to think when faced with information overload. You only have to look at your own facebook feed to see how obsessed people are with COVID-19.
We all have to die, but most of us learn to put that thought aside and get on with life. Some are better at this than others. A pandemic which possibly may result in death is something that can cause those whose fear of death is less well put aside to become very fearful. That fear is genuine. We will all die some day. For most of us, it will probably not be due to a COVID-19 infection. But the fact remains we will all die some day. For those who find that thought leads to deep fear counselling can help.
When we encounter a frightened person, we do not know the reasons behind their fear. They may be a cancer sufferer nearing the end of chemotherapy and extremely vulnerable to infections. They may be a parent whose child is very ill and has a weakened immune system. They may be frightened at the possibility of dying.
We don’t know what story lies behind another person’s reaction to this virus. This is where compassion is essential. Instead of mocking the other person, show them understanding. Don’t rush to judge, you don’t know why they are so concerned.
When change happens in our lives, our concept of who we are
changes too. It is not as obvious when the change is something we find pleasurable.
But when the change is less positive, or more challenging, then it is more obvious.
When I returned to live in Australia, after eight years
living in another culture, it was challenging. Initially I was excited. I have
moved to a new area and there was much to see and do. That honeymoon period is
well known. Even when bad things have happened, we can have a honeymoon period
of sorts. If you talk to people who have lost their homes in a bushfire, they
will tell you they are happy to be alive. They will be buoyed by this
knowledge. But come back later and it will be a different story.
After the novelty of the new or the relief at surviving is
over, reality sets in. That is when we it becomes obvious that who we are has
changed. The change may be subtle. We may not even be aware of it. But most
people will find themselves feeling lost, unsure how to respond to things. They
may feel unstable, constantly changing their reactions to things. They may just
feel they don’t know what to do. They may feel life has a meaning that is not
compatible with them anymore.
The problem can be exacerbated by those close to us changing
in a different direction. Relationships may need to be renegotiated, adding to
the burden of change.
When I came back to Australia the person I was, was not the
person I had been when I last lived in Australia. Nor was Australia the same
Australia I had lived in all my life. The meaning I had for my life and the
understanding of who I was, was gone. I was living in a country that was
familiar and not familiar. The people I encountered were not interested in who
I was. The things that mattered when I lived in another country did not matter
any more. I did not matter any more. It was a very difficult time.
It took me years to renegotiate with myself and learn who I
was now. I now understand the impact even seemingly minor changes can make to
our concept of who we are. Changing jobs, moving to a new area, ending a relationship,
losing a loved one, having a body organ removed, losing a limb, a cancer
diagnosis – these are all changes, some minor, some major. All will involve a
renegotiation with self to learn who am I now?
It can be helpful to see a counsellor to assist in this renegotiation.
It can be helpful to know you are not mad and someone has
your back.
