PLC Blog – Page 18 – Plentiful Life Counselling Blog

7 aspects of trust

Brené Brown has researched trust extensively. If you have not heard of her, try googling her. She has written many helpful and inspirational books.

She speaks of trust being like a marble jar. When you share the hard times and the bad things that have happened to you and your friends listen, empathise and maintain confidentiality then marbles go in your jar. You know you can trust these friends.

When your friend lets you share her seat when there is nowhere to sit, that is another marble earned. She has looked out for you and that makes her trustworthy.

When your friend remembers something about your life that is important, that is another marble earned. Caring enough to remember things about you is trustworthy.

When you friend is willing to stop what they are doing to help you, that is another marble earned. They consider you important enough to put you first when you need that help.

When you have a hard time, maybe you have an appointment that you are worried about, or you are going to the funeral of a loved one. The friend who messages you that they are thinking of you and asks if you are okay, they have earned a marble.

The surprising one is when the friend needs help and trusts you enough to ask for help.

Trust is formed in the little things in life. The friend who says hello when you walk past each other on the street. The friends who looks at you and thinks you look sad so stops to check in with you. The friend who takes the time to connect with you. Even if that connection is just a quick smile to say I see you. Maybe a quick “I’m really busy right now, can I call you later?” Anything that says “I see you and you matter”.

The definition of trust is sometimes surprising. It is that we choose to make ourselves vulnerable to another person by sharing something important to us.

The flip side of this is distrust, where you share something important with another person and what you shared is not safe with that person. They are quite likely to share it with others, maybe in a salacious way.

One of Brené’s most popular books is “Braving the Wilderness”.

In it she explains the acronym BRAVING.

It is an amazing reminder of trust. It is really helpful when you have never learned how to trust.

Here it is:

B: boundaries. I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and mine and hold and respect them.

R: reliable. I can only trust you if you do what you say you are going to do consistently over and over again. Once is not enough to prove your reliability.

A: accountability. I can only trust you if you are willing to own the mistakes your make, apologise and make amends. I can only own my mistakes if you do the same for me.

V: vault. The things I share with you, you keep in confidence and I will do the same. I expect you not to gossip about others because in gossiping you are showing me that you do not respect the confidences you have no right to share. If you respect confidentiality then I can trust you. People who share bad stories about others form a counterfeit trust and both are likely to breach confidences about each other.

I: integrity. If you act with integrity and encourage me to do the same then I can trust you. You have chosen courage over comfort. You have chosen right over the fun, fast and easy. You speak your values and practise them as well.

N: non judgement. If you don’t judge me, especially when I have fallen apart then I can trust you. If you ask for help and receive it then our relationship is one of trust. If you set a value on needing help, or think less of yourself for needing help then I am judging others who need help. It is essential in a trusting relationship that both parties help each other out.

G: generosity. If you assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions and behaviours and check in with me. Then I can trust you. What I mean is that if I was having a bad day because it was my deceased mother’s birthday and you didn’t ring to check up on me I will speak to you and say I would have appreciated a call. Not saying this in a judgemental way, but speaking honestly and on judgementally about my needs. If you do the same to me I will listen with the same generosity and accept your voicing of your need as an expression of what you need, not a judgement. Always ask for what you need, don’t assume the other person will magically know what you want.

Many people struggle with self trust. You can apply these steps to yourself as well. If you aim to trust yourself then you are choosing to treat yourself with love and respect.

If your marble jar is not full then you cannot count on yourself to be trustworthy to others. You cannot ask people to ask what you cannot give. Trust is a mutual thing.

It takes a lot of courage to trust yourself. It takes a lot of courage to trust others. The first step is acknowledging you are worthy of receiving trust. Then follow the BRAVING steps for trusting yourself. Finally apply those steps to other people. If that person fails the BRAVING test, chalk it up to experience, acknowledge and allow your hurt, show self compassion in soothing the hurt, and move on to the next person.

Grief isn’t just for death

Most of my blogs are about the pain of losing someone you love. But grief isn’t just about someone you love dying.

It is also about:

• Romantic relationships that have ended

• Friendships that have ended

• Losing your job

• Losing your house

• Losing your car

• Losing a much loved pet

• Losing part of your body, being disfigured and losing your looks

• Losing your reproductive capacity

• Losing your community through moving away, migrating to another country, being a refugee, having your location destroyed by natural disaster

• Missing the certainty you once had

• Questioning your judgement

• Releasing who you once were

• Feeling lost and unanchored

• Losing traditions you loved

The list is endless.

Every one of these things has capacity to impact you in the same way the loss of someone who has died impacts you.

Everything you lose is an adjustment.

Everything you lose changes your sense of security in the world.

Everything you lose causes you to feel anxious and worried and very, very sad.

So be kind to yourself and take your loss and your reaction to it seriously.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your loss, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

The wounding of childhood.

If you had a childhood with abusive parents, preoccupied parents, distant parents, a parent or parents who left, narcissistic parent/s, sexual abuse and any form of trauma, in adulthood you will most likely have at least one “inner child wound”.

These are:

Abandonment wound.
• You often feel “left out”
• You fear being left.
• You hate being alone.
• You depend on other people who depend on you.
• You often threaten to leave
• You seem to attract emotionally unavailable people
Guilt wound.
• You feel “sorry” or “bad”. You may think you are “damaged” or “always wrong”
• You don’t like to ask for things
• You may use guilt to get others to meet your needs
• You are likely to be afraid to set boundaries
• You seem to attract people who make you feel “wrong” and “guilty”.
Trust wound.
• You are afraid of being hurt.
• You don’t trust yourself.
• You look for evidence that other people cannot be trusted.
• You feel insecure and need a lot of validation from other people.
• You don’t feel safe.
• You seem to attract people who don’t feel safe.
Neglect wound.
• You struggle to let things go.
• You have low self worth.
• You get angry easily.
• You struggle to say “no”
• You stuff your emotions down where you can’t feel them.
• You are afraid of being vulnerable.
• You seem to attract people who don’t appreciate you and take you for granted. Or you attract people who constantly need you to make them feel “seen”.

It is scary feeling that way.

These feelings stop you from enjoying life. They prevent you feeling worthwhile. They are like the “fly in the ointment” that stops things you do in life being satisfying and enjoyable.

These feelings constantly seem to destroy the things you enjoy doing.

So what can you do about it?

The best approach is to see a trauma qualified counsellor. When you come to a counsellor like me, you can learn how to heal these wounds and how to move forward in life.

There are a range of therapeutic approaches I use to treat these wounds. What I use will depend on you and your needs.

The important thing to remember is that your wounding is totally understandable. The impact of this wounding on your life is very understandable. And it is possible to heal from this. There are no rapid cures, but steady progress is possible to work through your wounding.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your childhood wounding, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Did you know anxiety can occur with grief?

For many people, the loss of a loved one is bewildering. Often people don’t know where to turn. They may wonder if they should read a book. They may want to talk but not know who will listen, or find that people they talk to don’t want to hear.

Many people push their feelings of grief away because it is just too difficult to attend to.

That works for a while, but if you do that it will find another outlet. You may become depressed, or anxious, or experience difficulties in relationships. The more ways you find to ignore that grief, the more it will leak out in other areas of your life.

A lot of people who come to see me are suffering from anxiety. Often they don’t realise it is related to the grief they are feeling.

Anxiety can present in many different ways. One of the most obvious signs is worry. You find you cannot relax. You are constantly watching for things you need to do. You wake up in the middle of the night worrying about work, a loved one, an upcoming appointment.

Worry in itself is not a problem. It is when the worry becomes frequent and stops you doing things that it is a problem.

Anxiety can also present as perfectionist behaviour, rigid behaviour, irritability, even anger.

So many people come to see me with a diagnosis of anxiety that they just can’t fix. That is because the cause of the anxiety has not been dealt with. You can have an infection that shows itself in a sore you cover with a bandage. You can have the best bandages and use the best techniques to cover it, but the sore will not go away until the underlying infection is treated. It is the same with anxiety. The underlying cause must be attended to in order to heal the anxiety.

Anxiety is a normal life response. Without some level of anxiety we would not function effectively. If you did not have anxiety about road safety, you may well get run over by a car when crossing the road.

Without anxiety we may go into dangerous places and come to harm.

So a certain level of anxiety is healthy.

Sometimes anxiety develops beyond what is healthy.

When that happens it triggers our “fight or flight” response in our brains. This response is designed to protect us from physical threats but anxiety from our thoughts is really good at triggering the system too.

The fight or flight response is triggered when anxiety is a worry and when anxiety is outright panic.

Remember, anxiety is part of a normal response to react to danger that can harm us. To return to the crossing the road analogy, seeing a car approaching at speed towards you will cause a “fight or flight” response. Hopefully you will respond to that with flight and be able to get out of the way of the car. That is keeping you alive.

Anxiety related to grief is not surprising. Grief carries with it an intense range of emotions. Most people have never experienced such emotions before. It can be very frightening if you are experiencing intense emotions and no one can relate to what you are feeling. The emotions are often overwhelming and many people tell me they think they are going mad. That is anxiety producing in itself.

What does anxiety feel like?

• a sense of pounding in your chest
• dizziness
• shortness of breath
• feeling of choking or nausea
• shaking
• sweating
• tiredness, weakness
• pain in the chest
• muscle spasms
• feeling hot or cold
• tinging in your fingers and toes
• thinking you are going mad
• feeling alert and hypervigilant
• worrying
• a fear of dying.

What else might grief related anxiety feel like?

• Fear of your future
• Fear of losing more loved ones
• Fear of ill health or dying
• Remembering the trauma of seeing your loved one die or being told they had died.

If you find yourself struggling to cope with anxiety after the death of a loved one seeking counselling from a grief counsellor is really helpful.

It is really helpful to be able to sit with a counsellor and share your fears and anxieties. When you are able to do that, you will find they become easier to manage.

It is also helpful to be able to learn how to be in the present. Thinking constantly about the past, or the future, is a major contributor to anxiety. Learning to switch your thinking to the present is a valuable thing to learn.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief anxiety, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

3 steps to help your traumatised brain practise mindfulness daily

Your traumatised brain is stuck in a difficult place.

To heal you need to be able to identify and feel your feelings. But in doing that you can find yourself in a very scary, dysregulated state.

Mindfulness is really helpful for learning to feel, but it can risk throwing you into dysregulation.

I have read that our dysregulated brains are like a possum that has been bitten by a spider and is now in a lot of pain. The possum will not sit still an experience the pain. It is like when we hit our thumb with a hammer and jump up and down and shake our thumb to cope with the pain. The possum will leap from branch to branch. I cannot be still as it seeks relief from the pain it is in. It is in effect trying to run from its pain.

The possum, like us, has a brain that is primed to react to threats in automated ways. If the possum was able to sit and think it over, it would realise its pain comes from a spider. If it did, it would move away and maybe shake or lick the sore part. As the possum’s danger system has engaged, it is not capable of sitting quietly and analysing the situation. Its survival depends on it automatically acting based on past experiences.

This is pattern matching in action. Our brains match roughly to an existing pattern. The roughness of the match allows for variations in situations that are dangerous so we can identify danger quickly and escape from it.

Our brains are working very fast. They make guesses about the danger.

The only way to disable these existing patterns is to be able to identify and process the feelings and emotions during calm times. Some entrenched patterns take a long time to identify and process. They may even need more specialised treatments such as EMDR to disable them. But it is possible to chip away at many patterns in therapy.

This is where mindfulness is helpful.

Mindfulness allows you to explore feelings in your body while also maintaining an awareness of your body’s reaction to this exploration. It allows you to know when to stop and pull back from exploration.

With mindfulness you can in time learn to identify the thought patterns and feelings that accompany dysregulated states. You can learn when to pull back from a situation that is triggering before you are out of control. You can also use mindfulness to identify and process the thought patterns and feelings that feed this out of control reaction.

Mindfulness is not something you can pull out when in a highly stressed state. You need to practise regularly and at times when you feel safe. Then you can learn how to use mindfulness in more highly stressed times.

With mindfulness you train your attention by paying attention to a simple object, such as the breath. In the practise you learn to pay attention to your breath and return to that attention on the breath when your mind wanders.

3 steps in practising mindfulness.

This is a quick practise you can do daily to help train your attention. I usually suggest the breath because it is easy to do. If you find focusing on your breath is a trigger then choose an object to focus on.

Posture. Sit comfortably on a seat that is firm enough to support you in an upright position and close enough to the floor that you can place your feet flat on the floor. Try to support your own spine as you sit. In other words, try not to lean back on the chair. Place your hands on your thighs palms down. You may either close your eyes or leave them open. If you leave them open then look down into your lap or in front of you just a short distance away.
Breath. Notice your breathing. Feel it moving in and out of your body. Just notice its rhythm and flow. Feel the breath in your belly. Feel the movements of your belly as you breathe in and out. You don’t have to deep breathe, although it is helpful if you can practise breathing into your belly. This trains you to breathe into the base of your lungs, which is calming. Just allow your breath to happen. Don’t count your breaths, how long your breath in or out and how long a gap you leave between the in and out breaths. Just breathe.
Wandering. You will find your attention will wander away from the breath. Or you may start thinking too much about your breath. Or you may start judging your breathing. Just acknowledge your mind has wandered and just bring your attention back to the sensation of the air moving in and out of your body and your body moving as air enters and leaves it. Don’t judge yourself for your mind wandering. You will do it a lot at first. Even when you have become good at focusing there will be days when you are more distracted than others and your mind wanders. Remember. When you notice your mind has wandered you are already being mindful. Great mindfulness to notice your wandering mind. Choose to come back to focus on your breath.

How long should you do this for? Practise Daily. Start simply. Set a kitchen timer, or your phone/watch to time you. Do it during ad breaks on the television. Or when waiting at a red light. Start off with small and over time you can work up to longer. Maybe 5 minutes.

Make the practise easy to do so you will be more inclined to practise.

In time, you will become so accustomed to this mindful attention that you will be able to start noticing what your body is feeling and be able to learn how to identify when something is triggering you and you need to take measures to prevent yourself being thrown into a fight/flight response.

Always do this with the support of a trauma trained counsellor who can help you learn how to be safe with your feelings.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning how to be safe and notice what your body is telling you, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How to be with the expected death of your loved one

During my nursing career I was present at the death of many people.

I learned the rhythms of dying and death.

And I observed the sacredness of that space.

As a counsellor, I have heard from many people about their experiences with their loved one dying. Some found the experience deeply comforting, others felt cheated.

This is what I observed was the experience of those who felt comforted.

The passage from life to death is a sacred one. For the one dying it is a time of great dignity. It may not seem dignified if the outward appearances are of pain, but that person is crossing from a life of pain to a death of peace.

It is important to remember that not everyone wants family around them when they die. I have seen people who wait until their family leave the room before they die.

I have also seen others who wait until their family arrive before they die.

It is a highly individual thing.

If you are at your loved one’s side when they die, it is best to just remain there.

Don’t rush to call for help. Just be there. Be present in the moment. Allow yourself to feel the enormity of what has happened.

In my experience, those who rush to call a doctor (if at home) or a nurse (if in hospital) or a relative are the ones who feel cheated. Rushing to tell others brings the busyness crashing into the dying space before it is ready.

Just be and don’t panic. Don’t think it is essential for people to know immediately. Just be and allow the sacredness of your loved one’s passing to be present.

Allow yourself the chance to adjust to the reality of your loved one’s death. That reality is always a shock. You need time to absorb that. To allow yourself time to feel the reality of it.

People who tell me they took that time, report feeling comforted and being able to managed the loss better.

Be aware of what is happening for you. What you are feeling. What your body is telling you. Feel the room and what is happening there. Allow yourself to feel the sacredness of this space.

If your loved one dies when you are not there you can still sit with that sacredness. It doesn’t go quickly. But don’t get caught up in conversations once you are sitting with them. Leave everything outside the door. Just be in that space with no agenda and no plans.

I have been blessed to wash the bodies of many who have departed this life. That is how I know the sacredness that is present at death. Relatives have often arrived later and sat with their loved one. I have done it myself when my mother died.

Allow yourself to sit in that space and don’t rush to leave. Leave when you are ready. You cannot come back to that time later. Once the moment has passed it is gone.

Things will get busy quickly, and you will get caught up in funeral preparations and other busyness for many days or weeks.

So take those initial few hours slowly. Don’t take on too much initially. Just allow yourself to be with the reality, even after the sacred time with your loved one has passed.

3 things to do if you are feeling stressed

One thing we can guarantee while we are alive is that we are breathing. If we don’t breathe, we die.

Breathing can be very helpful in calming us down, but it can also contribute to our anxiety and fear when feeling distressed.

Mindfulness uses breathing as a basic anchor.

I always caution people with unresolved trauma to be careful of mindfulness and other meditation because of the dangers of focusing internally if you are overwhelmed.

Breathing is not a problem. And a focus on breathing is not a problem.

If you are feeling stressed and feel you are in danger of becoming overwhelmed you can try these 3 steps to help you calm down.

When you are stressed, your breathing starts to become shallow. That leads to more stress. Deepening and lengthening your breathing is important to allow you to turn off the stress response and calm down

Breathing is a wonderful tool to use when you need to calm down because we always have our breath with us.

The next time you realize your breath is shallow and you are feeling stressed and anxious, here is what you can try:

Bring attention to your breath. Notice as you breathe in, and notice as your breathe out. As your attention turn to your breathe, try to make each in breath longer and each out breath longer. Once you feel your breathing is becoming more regular and settled, move on to the next step.
If you can, sit down. You are more likely to feel relaxed if you are sitting. If you can’t that is okay. Just notice what your body is doing. Feel your feet on the ground. Feel your body sitting on the chair. Feel the air temperature around you. Is there a breeze? Can you smell anything? What can you see?
Now return your focus to your breathing. Breathe in for the count of 4. Hold your breath for the count of 7. Then blow the air out through pursed lips for the count of 8. This not only gives you something to focus on but it also sends signals to your brain to calm down.

Try this technique for a few minutes.

This technique will be more effective if you regularly set aside 5 or so minutes each day to practise mindfulness. The practice listed above is ideal for that purpose as well as for you to use when you are feeling stressed.

If you would like to learn more about mindfulness or would like help with healing your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Talking to my loved one after death

It is not uncommon to want to talk to your loved one after death.

It is common for people to report feeling their loved one with them, dreaming about them, having conversations with them.

There are people who find they can’t get answers so they seek out people who say they can talk to their loved one for them.

In your search for meaning and the opportunity to say the goodbyes you didn’t have an opportunity to give, especially after a sudden death, seeking contact with your loved one is one option many people seek out.

I have been asked if it is harmful to seek to talk to a deceased loved one.

My answer? No and yes.

Many people find it comforting to visit a person who can connect them with their loved one, either directly or through them. For many this brings comfort.

It helps them to move forward with their grief. They learn to live without their loved one and find a new relationship with them and their memory.

For others the risk is that they become dependent on talking to their loved one. They never let go and stall in healing after their loss.

If you are in that position then my question to you is: when are you going to allow your loved one to rest peacefully? How is staying stuck helping you? How is staying stuck helping your family.

Life is there to be lived, not wasted.

The other risk is that sometimes the people they seek to help them talk to their loved one are not genuine. They are making up the messages they claim they are getting. These people see the bereaved as a way to make money and will relay fake messages from your loved one to you.

Talking to your loved one after death is something you may seek. And that is okay to do that. But be careful not to become dependent on these conversations. If you find you are unable to stop then it is time to seek counselling from a qualified Grief Counsellor.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

3 steps to help your traumatised brain practise mindfulness daily

Your traumatised brain is stuck in a difficult place.

To heal you need to be able to identify and feel your feelings. But in doing that you can find yourself in a very scary, dysregulated state.

Mindfulness is really helpful for learning to feel, but it can risk throwing you into dysregulation.

Our brains are working very fast. They make guesses about the danger.

This is where mindfulness is helpful.

3 STEPS IN PRACTISING MINDFULNESS

Posture. Sit comfortably on a seat that is firm enough to support you in an upright position and close enough to the floor that you can place your feet flat on the floor. Try to support your own spine as you sit. In other words, try not to lean back on the chair. Place your hands on your thighs palms down. You may either close your eyes or leave them open. If you leave them open then look down into your lap or in front of you just a short distance away.
Breath. Notice your breathing. Feel it moving in and out of your body. Just notice its rhythm and flow. Feel the breath in your belly. Feel the movements of your belly as you breathe in and out. You don’t have to deep breathe, although it is helpful if you can practise breathing into your belly. This trains you to breathe into the base of your lungs, which is calming. Just allow your breath to happen. Don’t count your breaths, how long your breath in or out and how long a gap you leave between the in and out breaths. Just breathe.
Wandering. You will find your attention will wander away from the breath. Or you may start thinking too much about your breath. Or you may start judging your breathing. Just acknowledge your mind has wandered and just bring your attention back to the sensation of the air moving in and out of your body and your body moving as air enters and leaves it. Don’t judge yourself for your mind wandering. You will do it a lot at first. Even when you have become good at focusing there will be days when you are more distracted than others and your mind wanders. Remember. When you notice your mind has wandered you are already being mindful. Great mindfulness to notice your wandering mind. Choose to come back to focus on your breath.

Make the practise easy to do so you will be more inclined to practise.

Always do this with the support of a trauma trained counsellor who can help you learn how to be safe with your feelings.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning how to be safe and notice what your body is telling you, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

4 Strategies that help you to grow after losing a loved one to suicide.

Losing someone to suicide is different to any other type of loss.

Why?

It is sudden, usually unexpected and often violent. And it is not at the hand of another person, as with murder, but at the hand of the one who has died.

Such a death is shocking and traumatic.

It makes no sense.

It can take years to accept that it makes no sense.

After such a terrible loss your beliefs about life are shattered.

You can understand someone getting sick and dying. You can understand an accident. But understanding how someone can take action to end their life is so hard to comprehend and understand.

If you witnessed the person taking that action, or were the one who found them that is so much harder. That is traumatising. Many people with this experience who come to see me report dreaming about finding their loved one and having flashbacks to finding them.

Anyone who lost a loved one in this way can dream about how their loved one died, or looked, as their imagination fills in areas of no or little information.

If you have lost a loved one this way you may have noticed people are less supportive than if you have lost a loved one differently. Many people don’t know what to do or say. There are also many taboos and fear around suicide.

The source of a lot of this fear is the uncertainty of trying to keep someone from killing themselves. Sometimes families are aware that their family member is suicidal and try desperately to keep them alive. Counsellors of suicidal people also worry about keeping them alive. It is a stressful time.

For those who had no warning their loved one was suicidal there is the sense that they failed to notice their loved one’s state of mind.

The reality is that all the best suicide experts in the world cannot keep someone from suiciding. This is something out of our control.

That is hard to accept.

I frequently debrief families and colleagues of a person who has suicided and all say the same things to me:

• Why didn’t I see it?

• I thought they were sad, why didn’t I talk to them/get help/stop them.

• I thought they were getting better.

• They express shock, disbelief and horror at what has happened.

I always tell them that it is impossible to predict when someone is planning to kill themselves.

You can get people help, and usually if they were appearing to be down someone has arranged help, but it is up to the person to utilise that help.

It is impossible to know just what is going on in another person’s mind. The idea of someone being so down that death seems a viable option is horrifying. You can ask a person if they are feeling suicidal and they may honestly answer you. They may not.

You are not to blame for the choices your loved one has made.

You want to know why they did it. You will probably never know. You will spend the rest of your life wondering, but you will never know.

Somewhere in all this confusion and turmoil you will find strengths to survive this. Do seek help, one of the biggest risk factors for suicide is being bereaved by suicide. See seeking counselling help as one of the strengths you possess.

The 4 strategies I use when working with you, and ones you can learn to use on your own later, are:

Safety.

This involves finding a imaginary space where you can feel safe. This is where you can go when things seem overwhelming.

People imagine all manner of spaces where they feel safe. Often they are spaces where the person has felt safe in the past. Do you have a space where you have felt safe and could utilise now?

Grounding

Grounding is connecting to the earth. Feeling yourself supported and energised by the energy of the earth. Feeling the safety of your connection to the earth.

I may teach you exercises to ground yourself.

Mindfulness

Being aware of your thoughts and feelings is important. Part of mindfulness is noticing these feelings and thoughts, naming them, and learning to only engage with them when you are able to.

This allows you to work through the difficult and painful process of grieving. It allows you to choose the times when you feel ready to deal with this pain. It will take time, and you will not always be able to control this, but over time learning mindfulness will help you take control of your life and learn to live with your loss.

With mindfulness, you will be able to learn to be with your difficult thoughts and emotions in a controlled way that allows you to process them.

Window of Tolerance

The Window of Tolerance is where you can feel in control of your emotions and actions and are able to cope with things that happen to you.

Being bereaved, especially by suicide, is going to throw you outside your Window of Tolerance a lot. Any time you find yourself crying uncontrollably. Any time you feel you can’t cope with going to work, leaving the house, going home, and so on, you are moving outside your Window of Tolerance.

In time you do move back into that Window space. Feeling so out of control is not permanent. It is just an aspect of bereavement. Understanding this is only temporary is helpful.

It is also possible for you to learn how to get back into that Window space as you grieve.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to live with the suicide loss of your loved one, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au