For many people, the loss of a loved one is bewildering. Often people don’t know where to turn. They may wonder if they should read a book. They may want to talk but not know who will listen, or find that people they talk to don’t want to hear.
Many people push their feelings of grief away because it is just too difficult to attend to.
That works for a while, but if you do that it will find another outlet. You may become depressed, or anxious, or experience difficulties in relationships. The more ways you find to ignore that grief, the more it will leak out in other areas of your life.
A lot of people who come to see me are suffering from anxiety. Often they don’t realise it is related to the grief they are feeling.
Anxiety can present in many different ways. One of the most obvious signs is worry. You find you cannot relax. You are constantly watching for things you need to do. You wake up in the middle of the night worrying about work, a loved one, an upcoming appointment.
Worry in itself is not a problem. It is when the worry becomes frequent and stops you doing things that it is a problem.
Anxiety can also present as perfectionist behaviour, rigid behaviour, irritability, even anger.
So many people come to see me with a diagnosis of anxiety that they just can’t fix. That is because the cause of the anxiety has not been dealt with. You can have an infection that shows itself in a sore you cover with a bandage. You can have the best bandages and use the best techniques to cover it, but the sore will not go away until the underlying infection is treated. It is the same with anxiety. The underlying cause must be attended to in order to heal the anxiety.
Anxiety is a normal life response. Without some level of anxiety we would not function effectively. If you did not have anxiety about road safety, you may well get run over by a car when crossing the road.
Without anxiety we may go into dangerous places and come to harm.
So a certain level of anxiety is healthy.
Sometimes anxiety develops beyond what is healthy.
When that happens it triggers our “fight or flight” response in our brains. This response is designed to protect us from physical threats but anxiety from our thoughts is really good at triggering the system too.
The fight or flight response is triggered when anxiety is a worry and when anxiety is outright panic.
Remember, anxiety is part of a normal response to react to danger that can harm us. To return to the crossing the road analogy, seeing a car approaching at speed towards you will cause a “fight or flight” response. Hopefully you will respond to that with flight and be able to get out of the way of the car. That is keeping you alive.
Anxiety related to grief is not surprising. Grief carries with it an intense range of emotions. Most people have never experienced such emotions before. It can be very frightening if you are experiencing intense emotions and no one can relate to what you are feeling. The emotions are often overwhelming and many people tell me they think they are going mad. That is anxiety producing in itself.
What does anxiety feel like?
• a sense of pounding in your chest
• dizziness
• shortness of breath
• feeling of choking or nausea
• shaking
• sweating
• tiredness, weakness
• pain in the chest
• muscle spasms
• feeling hot or cold
• tinging in your fingers and toes
• thinking you are going mad
• feeling alert and hypervigilant
• worrying
• a fear of dying.
What else might grief related anxiety feel like?
• Fear of your future
• Fear of losing more loved ones
• Fear of ill health or dying
• Remembering the trauma of seeing your loved one die or being told they had died.
If you find yourself struggling to cope with anxiety after the death of a loved one seeking counselling from a grief counsellor is really helpful.
It is really helpful to be able to sit with a counsellor and share your fears and anxieties. When you are able to do that, you will find they become easier to manage.
It is also helpful to be able to learn how to be in the present. Thinking constantly about the past, or the future, is a major contributor to anxiety. Learning to switch your thinking to the present is a valuable thing to learn.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief anxiety, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz