Resilience – Page 3

Positive Changes after Bereavement: Is that actually possible?

In my last blog on Grief, I talked about how you can grow from grief. It sounds bizarre to suggest that something so horrible can lead to positive growth, but it can.

It is important to note that not everyone who grieves will experience positive growth. But a lot of people do.

POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH

You may have heard the term “post traumatic growth”.

This term has been gaining popularity amongst workers in the trauma field. It is the idea that trauma is not always negative. It can also have a positive aspect where the person grows in a positive direction as they recover from their trauma.

BUT THIS IS TRAUMA I AM TALKING ABOUT, NOT GRIEF.

Grief is a traumatic experience and it is included in discussions about post traumatic growth.

Trauma is a highly stressful event that often results in a negative response. Researchers have found that your brain manages the stress in the same way that positive changes can be made in the brain.

What this means is that it is possible after a highly distressing traumatic event to have negative and positive growth.

It is well known that crises in life lead to distressing emotions and it is not unusual for you as you experience these emotions to feel anxious and frightened. You may also feel sad and depressed. These feelings can continue for a long time.

Grief is one of these life crises and it is well known that sadness, a deep longing (otherwise known as yearning) for the person and wishing the person was still alive are common. Feelings of guilt, anger and irritability are also commonly observed in people who are grieving and you may be experiencing these feelings too.

These same experiences are also common in people who have suffered other traumas.

HOW CAN I GROW WHEN I AM SO DEVASTATED?

There is a widespread that trauma always results in negative consequences to the traumatised person. But research has also shown that growth also occurs. In short, that distress you feel can coexist with growth.

Many people feel they go backwards when they suffer grief and for a time that is probably true. But post traumatic growth is not just a return to the way you were, it is actually an improvement that in some people is very obvious.

IS POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH THE SAME A RESILIENCE?

Before I answer that question it is important to acknowledge that grief is not just an intellectual pursuit. Many people try to intellectualise it and fail. Grief is also experiential. You need to allow yourself to experience it in order to process it.

Resilience and Post Traumatic Growth, along with hardiness, optimism and a sense of coherence are personal characteristics that provide the ability of the individual to manage difficulties effectively.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back and continue with life after a difficult event.

Hardiness is an ability to commit to things, control self and face challenges that occur in life. Characteristics of hardiness are considered to be curiosity, being proactive, having a strong belief in your personal effectiveness and being willing to face challenges positively.

Optimism is where you consider positive outcomes will occur … eventually.

A Sense of Coherence is where you have the ability to understand events, can cope with them and even find meaning in them.

Post Traumatic Growth refers to the ability to change and not be damaged by life’s stressful events. This is where you are able to transform your life.

WHAT GRIEF TRAUMA DOES TO YOU

Grief trauma causes you to be somebody else. After a traumatic event it is not possible to go back to being the you that you were before.

It causes you to rethink all that you have previously believed about the reliability and fairness of your world.

You may find the people you thought would stand by you melt away and the ones who support you were people on the periphery of your friend circle. So many people report family rifts opening up and long term friendships ending.

All these changes in the people around you add to the sense of the world you knew ceasing to exist.

You are likely to experience a loss of trust in the certainty and positivity of life.

HOW DO I GROW FROM THAT?

When you suffer such a traumatic event it will always be remembered as traumatic. How can it be okay that this person you loved so much has died?

What researchers have found happens is that, without making a decision to, you will over time make meaning out of this traumatic event.

HOW DOES POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH WORK?

There is within everyone a drive to survive. That drive is now known to continue to operate in the brain even when there is a trauma being experienced. In other words, your desire to survive is existing in your brain alongside your distress as this traumatic event.

This is how it is possible to derive meaning from the event, even when it is so distressing.

As your brain works to survive this distress, your brain is also finding new understandings of the world. It is coming to terms with the uncertainty and unfairness of the world and the changes in support networks that may have occurred.

What this means is that you grow in the aftermath of grief because of your brain seeking to comprehend the new reality of your life with the loss of the person you love, the loss of trust in the world and the loss of some support networks.

WHAT DOES POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH LOOK LIKE?

People who report experiencing this growth report they:

• Feel an increased appreciation of life in general

• Develop more meaningful interpersonal relationships

• Possess an increased sense of personal strength

• Experience changed priorities, and

• Have a richer existential and spiritual life

WHAT SUPPORT CAN I OFFER YOU TO FACILITATE YOUR POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH?

Research has shown that post traumatic growth can be aided by the presence of supportive others to listen, assist you to craft narratives about what has happened and help you explore different perspectives. I will not tell you that in your initial sessions. It is just a process I understand you may undertake at some time.

At first you are likely to be feeling very emotional. You may spend more time crying than talking. That is totally normal and my counselling sessions are safe places for you to cry and express your emotions.

There will come a time when you will be ready to talk about other things some of the time.

REBUILDING YOUR WORLD

Because grief shatters your world you have to rebuild it. Part of this process is examining what the world means to you now. This is an existential experience and you need a counsellor who is comfortable with existential processes. As an existential therapist I am very comfortable with those at times difficult explorations. I can hold that space for you as you explore beliefs and concepts that may seem strange and even scary.

You may experience spiritual challenges and you need someone comfortable with those discussions. This is something I am very experienced in.

TELLING YOUR STORY

It is also important you are able to tell your story and be heard. Society often imposes limits on what the bereaved person is able to share. Many people feel constrained to share their feelings and are afraid to cry in public.

Being heard involves being allowed to talk without the other person telling you their story, or trying to solve your problem, or trying to offer platitudes such as “they are in a better place”, “its all for the best” and so on.

I will listen. I may ask you questions to help you to explore things further, and I will definitely summarise what you are telling me so that you can be sure I am listening to you.

FINDING THE SAFE PLACE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF

It is vital you are able to find somewhere where it is safe and acceptable to cry and share your feelings. Where it is acceptable to share and reshare your stories. This process is vital for processing your grief.

Different people have different needs around how much sharing is needed. Some people are fortunate enough to find a group of family/friends or a support group to allow them to talk and cry without censure. This type of support needs to be long term and consistent. It is unhelpful if family or friends become tired of hearing the stories and stop being supportive. It is also unhelpful if sometimes you get support and other times you are shut down.

Connection to a mutual support group can also be helpful. Being able to share with others who have been through what you are experiencing can help you feel okay to accept new ways of being.

CRAFTING A NARRATIVE

Narratives form a large part of your life and how you see yourself in the world. From family stories of events to your own stories of experiences you are always constructing stories (narratives) about your life. When someone you love dies you will construct many stories about their death, the events that occurred after that, the events in your life together and stories told to you by other people.

In a session with me you will be encouraged to share the narratives that seem important to you. You may not be aware you are doing it. Telling me about the events around your loved one’s death may not seem to be a narrative, but it is.

Narratives are useful in that they guide you to examine questions of meaning around your loved one’s death.

Narratives are not just facts of the events, they also include a lot of emotions. Sharing your narrative allows you to explore those emotions in a supportive environment.

RUMINATION AND HOW IT HELPS

Rumination is often seen as a negative in mental health. This is because the act of replaying negative stories and thoughts (rumination) is seen as being detrimental in depression.

Grief, however, is not depression. The sadness around grief may look like depression but it is not.

People with depression are discouraged from thinking about the negative thoughts.

With grief, however, researchers have discovered that this constant rehashing of events and feelings is beneficial in helping you to make sense of events, problem solve, reminisce and anticipate the future.

According to these researchers rumination in grief and other traumas is conscious, revolves around the event, and involves seeking to achieve a goal or the sorrow around a goal that has not been achieved.

In grief you are thinking about the past and that is something that needs to be worked through. You will also think about the present and the things now that are impacting you. They also need processing. You will also be worrying about what may happen in the future.

THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE LOSSES THAN JUST THE DEATH OF YOUR LOVED ONE.

As you process your thoughts about the loss of your loved one, you will reflect on past events and process anything that has remained unfinished. That is important in processing the grief.

You will also process the things that won’t happen. Examples include:

• You may never achieve your goal of a wonderful trip you had planned with your loved one.

• You may never get to grow old together.

• You may never have children together, or grandchildren, depending on your age.

These losses need to be processed as well.

BEFORE, AFTER AND THE POINT IT ALL CHANGED

In time you will likely find you divide your past into the time before your loved one died, the event of their death, and the time after. You will likely reflect late that the event of their death was a turning point in your life. Nothing was ever the same again. This doesn’t mean the turning point was something positive. It just was a point when your life changed.

There may come a point where you are able to recover the self esteem you may have lost as a result of your grief. You may find you wake up one day and realise you want to make changes in your life and you have the power to do that.

You may also accept the importance of looking after your needs. Part of this process may involve ending relationships that don’t help you anymore.

You will most likely realise that you are responsible for your own healing and your own journey.

None of this is easy, but it is possible if you want it. Enlisting the support of a trained grief counsellor to guide you through can really help.

HOW TO CONTACT ME

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Mental Illness v Mental Injury

I was challenged by an online video by Luke Chao.

In it he discussed the terms mental illness and mental injury.

He spoke about the way we perceive accidents involving physical injury compared to accidents that involve mental impacts.

A PHYSICAL INJURY

He gave a scenario where you are walking down the street and someone runs up to you and slashes your arm. You are hurt and bleeding but you are not sick. Apart from the injury to your arm you are otherwise healthy. No one blames you for being slashed. After all, that is victim blaming, something we are increasingly aware of and seek to avoid doing.

COMPARE THIS TO A MENTAL INJURY

But someone who is suffering from a mental injury is not given the same respect. If you developed PTSD as a result of this random attack you would be described as being mentally ill. This implies that there is something wrong with you, rather than there being something wrong with the people around you or your environment. In the case of the slashed arm, something is wrong with the person who randomly decided to slash your arm.

Suddenly you are being victim blamed. But isn’t that something we try to avoid doing these days?

PHYSICAL INJURIES BUT MENTAL ILLNESS

If you have arthritis in your knee but are otherwise healthy, you just have arthritis in your knee.

If you have anxiety about social situations but are otherwise healthy, you are mentally ill.

Using the term mentally ill suggests there is something wrong with you as a person. The connotation drawn from that term is that you have something wrong with you and you are ill.

Why is there such a difference between physical ailments and psychological ailments?

WHAT COUNSELLOR’S STUDY IN THEIR BACHELOR DEGREES

Luke’s comments reminded me of the rationale behind the subjects I studied in my counselling degree. We not only studied counselling, but also psychology (to better understand behaviour) and sociology (to better understand the environment). We were always taught that we needed to understand the context of a person’s environment and the impact of the people around them to understand what was happening to them.

A HORRIBLE WAY FOR YOU TO BE TREATED

If you walk into my practice room and I just see you as mentally ill, then that implies I just see you as being wrong, at fault.

If I see you as being the cause of your suffering then I don’t look further than you. I pathologise your suffering. I look for dysfunction in you and set out to correct it.

THE WAY I TREAT YOU

But that is not what I do.

Instead, I see your suffering as the result of an injury that has resulted in a completely normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. Sometimes there is more than one injury. Sometimes the injury keeps happening again and again, or has in the past happened again and again.

I look at your environment, including the people in that environment. I look to see how that impacts on you and your suffering.

I believe every person who walks through my door is someone who has been injured as a result of abnormal circumstances. I see you as being a healthy individual who is coping as best you can with a wound.

Interestingly the Greek word for wound is trauma.

Makes sense doesn’t it.

NEED HELP WITH YOUR MENTAL INJURY?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your mental injury, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

R U OK?

Today is RUOK day.

RUOK day is not only about reminding you that you have the power to help others, but also a reminder to seek help is you are not OK.

Helping others is not just the preserve of those of us who specialise in mental health. We all can help others.

Today I am going to talk about how to ask others if they are OK.

Then I am going to talk about how you can get help if you are not OK.

Most people will not ask for help. Such help seeking is pretty taboo in our society. Have you ever been taught even the basics of a foreign language? If you have you will no doubt have started with how to greet another person. Hello. I am xxx. How are you? And you will not doubt have been taught the response: I am well thankyou.

This is the hidden message of our culture. Don’t tell others how you are feeling!

I am sure you have met people who will avoid any discussions that are hard. These are the people who will avoid responding to your tentative words reaching out for help. Or who will respond with comments designed to stop the conversation.

If you are in that position, don’t give up. Later in this blog I will talk about what you can do to be heard.

WHAT SHOULD I BE LOOKING FOR IN THOSE AROUND ME TO INDICATE I NEED TO ASK RUOK?

Because of the taboos in our society on reaching out to others, it is unlikely a person who needs help will tell you – unless you ask.

The following are times in a person’s life when they might need a little bit of extra help:

• When a relationship has ended or there are difficulties in that relationship.

• When the person is going through stressful times, or there has been an increase in the stress in their life.

• When there are financial difficulties.

• When there are major changes in the person’s life either at home or work.

• When someone/thing they care about has been lost.

• When there is a major health issue.

• Any time you notice someone is struggling.

SIGNS A PERSON IS STRUGGLING

• Things they are saying, especially if they are different:

 o    They may not be making any sense when they talk, as though they are confused.

 o    They may tell you they can’t cope or feel things are out of control.

 o    They may criticise others or themselves.

 o    You may get the impression they are feeling trapped or in emotional pain.

 o    They may tell you they feel lonely or are a burden to others.

• Things they are doing that may be different:

 o    They may seem to lack energy or be unmotivated

 o    They may be unable to switch off

 o    There may be changes in how much and when they sleep, exercise or eat.

 o    They may appear uninterested in their appearance. This may extend to their home.

 o    They may no longer be interested in the things they used to enjoy doing.

WHAT DO I DO IF I THINK SOMEONE IS STRUGGLING

If you think someone is struggling then this is the time to consider asking them if they are okay.

Before you do this it is a good idea to consider how or if you might have that conversation with this person.

If you ask the wrong way, and are not prepared for a helpful conversation, you may not help the person. If you feel you are not able to ask, maybe finding another person to ask may be helpful. This is not saying you are not going to be any good at it, but maybe the situation the other person is in , or the relationship you have with them may impact any conversation you may have.

The other person needs to feel they can trust you, or they will not open up to you. So it is wise to consider whether you have been trustworthy in your relationship with that person.

If you feel the other person can’t trust you, you may still be able to reach out to them. In this situation it is best to acknowledge the past. Maybe you could try saying something like:

“I know I haven’t been very trustworthy in the past, but I am concerned about you and I care that you may not be feeling okay.”

If your previous conversations with this person have not involved you listening very well, you can maybe try saying:

“I know I haven’t listened to you very well I the past, but I am concerned that you may not be okay and I want to listen and hear you and support you.”

HOW TO PREPARE TO ASK RUOK

First step is to be ready:

• Ask yourself if you are in the right headspace to listen.

• Ask yourself if you are willing to really listen to the other person.

• Make sure you have the time to have this conversation. It is no good asking someone if they are okay and then rushing off because you have to be somewhere else.

Second step is to be prepared:

• Acknowledge that you are not there to “fix” the other person. You are there to listen. It is okay if you don’t have any answers to their difficulties.

• Don’t rush the other person or fire off questions at them. Be prepared to sit quietly and non judgementally with the other person and allow them the space to process their thoughts and express what they want. When you are trying to survive you spend a lot of time pushing down emotions so you can get through the day. It may take time for the other person to feel able to speak about something that they are feeling very emotional about. It is helpful to bear in mind that it is often embarrassing to discuss problems.

Last step is to choose your moment carefully:

• Find somewhere private and comfortable. A busy place with little privacy is not going to be very conducive to expressing vulnerable thoughts.

• Is this a good time for them to talk? If they are busy and stressed, they are not likely to be willing to take the time out to express how they are feeling.

• You may need to choose another time if they are too busy to talk.

• Consider the way you talk. It is often less threatening when you are sitting side by side doing nothing that requires concentration, or when walking. Being side by side is less confronting than being face to face.

The last point on being side by side highlights the value of being with the other person and doing something together. This is a great time for a conversation where the other person is likely to feel comfortable and able to talk.

IMPORTANT TO CONSIDER

You may be ready to reach out to the other person. But they may not be ready to talk.

Don’t give up. The fact you reached out and expressed your concern will not be lost on the other person. It may be that when they are ready to talk they wil reach out to you.

It is better to have asked than not to have asked. If you ask and they say no, at least you asked. If you don’t ask you will never know if you gave up a wonderful opportunity to reach out to someone in need.

NOW TO ASK – R U OK?

Have a casual conservation.

Start by saying something about what has prompted you to ask.

Examples include:

• You have been quiet lately, how are things going for you?

• I haven’t seen you much lately, is everything going okay for you?

• You’ve seemed really stressed lately, do you want to chat about something?

Now listen and don’t jump in with your own stories.

THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK TO ME – WHAT DO I DO?

Just because you reach out to another person does not guarantee they will talk to you.

It may be the wrong time for them to talk. You could try asking them if it would be okay to check in with them again.

They may feel no one cares and may need to process you request before they are willing to accept you invitation to chat.

Maybe they would feel more comfortable talking to someone else.

You reaching out may lead to them reflecting on their need to talk and they may be willing to talk to or someone else at another time.

THEY DO WANT TO TALK TO ME – WHAT DO I DO?

They welcome your question and tell you about their problem.

So what do you do?

• Remember we talked about you being there to listen, not solve problems.

• Listen.

• Don’t rush to judgement. Have an open mind.

• Give them space to talk. If they pause, don’t rush to fill the silence. Silence is great. Allow the silences and trust the person will talk when ready.

• Ask questions that are open ended, that is that don’t require yes or no answers.

• Ask them to explain the things they say. Don’t assume you understand what they are saying or the impact it has on them. Do this by asking questions that allow space for them to answer in many words. No questions that just require a yes/no. They shut down the conversation.

• Every so often repeat back what you have heard them say and ask if you understood it properly. This give them a chance to correct any misunderstandings and sends the message that you are listening.

I HAVE LISTENED AND THEY HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT THEIR PROBLEM – NOW WHAT DO I DO?

It is at this point you can encourage them to explore what they might be able to do to help themselves.

This may involve someone they can seek help from. It may instead involve spending time together brainstorming ideas on what they may be able to do to change their situation.

Maybe they might see their doctor, talk to a family member, talk to a close friend they trust, see a counsellor.

They may have encountered difficulties in the past and been able to solve them. What did they do back then? Is this something that may work now?

You can also ask them if there is anything they need from you.

CONVERSATION OVER – NOW WHAT?

Once the conversation is over there is still one thing you need to do.

That is to check in with the person at another time.

Let them know you haven’t forgotten them and are still willing to support them.

This allows you to communicate to them that someone cares.

It allows them to feel less isolated.

It may be the encouragement they need to do something about their situation.

It can support them until they are ready to reach out for professional help.

I THINK THEY ARE AT RISK OF SUICIDE – WHAT DO I DO?

If you are concerned the other person is suicidal don’t be afraid to ask.

It can be as simple as “are you thinking about killing yourself?”

Asking will not plant the idea in the other person’s mind. If they are suicidal they already have that idea. If they are not suicidal your asking will not suddenly make them suicidal.

If they answer YES this is what is important for you to do.

Do not leave them alone. Keeping them safe is important.
Get professional help.

While you stay with them:

Keep listening to them.

Find out if there is someone they trust who can help them.

Not all people who are suicidal will actually kill themselves. You can ask if they have a plan and the equipment needed to carry it out.

Unless you feel they are in immediate danger (in which case you will dial 000) try the following:

• Call a crisis support line together.

LIFELINE: 13 11 14

SUICIDE CALL BACK SERVICE 1300 659 467

who provide immediate support and advice

• Visit an emergency department together.

• Take them to a place they feel safe where they will not be alone.

HOW DO I GET HELP IF I AM NOT OK?

Reach out to someone you feel comfortable talking to.

If someone reaches out to you, be willing to accept that offer of help.

If you urgently need to talk to someone, or you are feeling suicidal, LIFELINE 13 11 14 is a good starting point.

You can also ring the SUICIDE CALL BACK SERVICE 1300 659 467

For longer term help counselling can be very helpful.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you when you are not okay, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

RUOK.ORG.AU IS A GREAT SOURCE OF ADVICE ON HOW TO ASK RUOK

10 ways to roll with life’s punches better

Awareness of the importance of resilience has increased over the past few years. But what is resilience?

Most definitions will say that resilience is the capacity of an individual to manage difficult situations by using psychological, social, cultural and physical resources available to them and be able to work out how to use these resources in a meaningful way.

IN SHORT, RESILIENCE IS:

• The ability to bounce back when faced with stress or pressure

• The ability to fall and pick yourself up

• Knowing when to persevere or decide to stop doing something

• Be able to accept the new reality, even when it is less good, and work to create something that is good enough

• Being able to ask for appropriate help.

RESILIENT PEOPLE ARE NOT:

• Always positive and upbeat

• Know how to achieve things on their own

• Never give up

• Tend to be perfectionists.

RESILIENT PEOPLE ARE:

• Less prone to stress

• Have strong problem solving skills

• Accept difficulties as part of life

• Be aware of the situation, their feelings and how other people are behaving

• Accept what they are responsible for and what other people are responsible for

• Experience greater satisfaction in life

• Know how to effectively manage social and emotional areas of life

• More optimistic

• Not afraid to ask for help

• Less afraid of facing life’s challenges

• Know life can be difficult and doing new things is scary but do them anyway

• Have a strong sense of self and are more confident in their own abilities

• Are creative

• Identify as a survivor not a victim.

BUILDING UP YOUR RESILIENCE

Now you have an idea of what resilience is. Maybe you are thinking you don’t have those skills. Don’t worry, you can build up your resilience.

Here are 10 things you can do to build up your resilience.

When you experience challenges in life, pay attention to what you are feeling, how you are reacting, what your body is feeling. Pay attention also to words or statements that are running through your head. Be particularly aware of statements that tell you that you can’t do this, you are useless, have done something bad, this always happens to me, I shouldn’t be upset by this, I should be able to manage this and so on. Choose to see the experience as something that is outside you, rather than part of you. This means you need to separate your negative words from being about you.
Note the attitudes you have around difficulties in life. Again, this is best expressed in your self talk. You may find your self talk is making statements about why this is happening or how hard it will be to cope. These attitudes sound like facts but they are actually unhelpful habitual statements that hold you back. Challenge those thoughts. Are they actually true? Tell yourself those statements are not the truth and that you have the skills, or know who to turn to for help.
Derail those unhelpful thoughts with the following practice: STOP Take a few deep, slow breaths Notice what is being said in your mind Identify the thoughts as visitors with opinions, not statements of who you are Choose how you are going to proceed.
Establish a daily practice of mindfulness. Take a few minutes out to just sit quietly and pay attention to your breath. Allow yourself to not engage with any thoughts you are thinking. They will come, but you can just notice them and let them go. Practice this at least daily, or a few times a day. when you practice this regularly you can use this when challenging things happen to give yourself time to collect your thoughts and make decisions more effectively.
Reach out to others for help.
Be aware of the reactions you have when things are difficult. Allow yourself to react, be upset, be angry, feel powerless. Allow yourself time out to explore those feelings. Exploring them mindfully can help. Allow yourself time to sit with the feelings and let them settle. When you feel calmer you can make decisions on how to act.
Choose to change your inner dialogue. That is the one where you make a mistake and tell yourself you are useless. Change that so that you say you made a mistake and that is okay. This is a practice you can practice always so that when difficulties arise you don’t default to the negative thoughts. Choose to see your strengths. When you feel calm enough explore what skills and strengths you have that can help you.
Don’t fight the difficulties. They have happened and no amount of thinking or railing against it will change things. Explore what you control and what you can’t. The things you control are things you can work through. Those things you can’t control are either things you may be able to seek help from someone else for or are things that you accept and work out how to work with.
Develop an action plan with clearly defined and measurable steps to work through. Start off with one small thing you can do that will move you in the direction you want to go in.
Remember to look after yourself. Take time out regularly to do things you enjoy and relax you. This allows you to be well rested and less stressed when difficult things happen. That way you are in the best place to work through the difficulties.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you develop resilience, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

What is Attachment Theory?

You may have heard the term “attachment” mentioned and wondered what it meant. It started with research in the 1950s that involved putting a toddler in a “strange situation” where the mother left the room and observations were made about how the child reacted to this, to a stranger entering the room, and to the mother coming back. It was noticed that some children have a secure attachment and some do not. This basically means the securely attached child feels the caregiver is reliable and safe. The attachment depends on how the parent responds to the child. Attachment theory has developed since them to include how adults form “attachment bonds” with one another and their children and what impact the secure and insecure types of attachment have on the developing child and on the adult.

One thing that has been discovered is that insecurely attached children do not tend to do as well in school as more securely attachment children. They also struggle more in adulthood.

Attachment between a child and its primary care giver gives the child the template from which it learns to form new relationships. If the primary care giver is secure or reliable, the child learns that relationships are safe. If the primary care giver is insecure or unreliable, the child learns that relationships are not safe.

Attachment between a child and its primary care giver provides the opportunity for the child to co-regulate with the person who gives it its greatest sense of security. If the attachment is secure and the primary care giver is well tuned in to the child, then when it is distressed it is more likely to be effectively soothed by the caregiver. This is known as co-regulating. This allows the child to learn that other people are reliable sources of calming. When a child learns this, that child in later life will be more likely to seek out others for help when in need. This is a good protective skill against depression, which is often characterised by the person withdrawing from others rather than reaching out for help.

Soothing a distressed child also helps the child learn how to cope with the strong emotions it is experiencing. We are not born with the understanding of the emotions we are feeling. Emotions for a child are strong and can be frightening. A securely attached caregiver who is in tune with the child’s experience is able to help the child learn to understand those emotions. This soothing helps the child to learn how to soothe itself. This is known as learning to self-regulate.

You may have heard the term “Resilience” as well. The ability to self-regulate and co-regulate are vital aspects of resilience. Resilience is the ability to not be overwhelmed by circumstances in life. This includes knowing when to take time out to calm down, being able to regulate emotions and being able to find and use resources to deal with life circumstances.