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Losing your partner

The person you love so much is gone. The will has been found and is with the solicitors. The death certificate has been attended. The funeral has been arranged and is over. The host of people rushing around to support you have gone back to their homes and their lives. Your children have also gone back to their lives. Even the well-meaning people telling you you’ll get over it are gone.

Now there is just you. In an empty home. The person you love is not there. You may be blessed enough to have pets to help fill the emptiness. But they can’t replace the one you loved.

The people who have been through similar experiences, the professionals you see, all will tell you it takes time. And it does. But the time in between losing the one you love and being able to cope with each day is a lot of time.

You may cling to the familiar, or leave the home you shared.

You may seek out help or you may struggle through on your own.

There is no right or wrong. Each person grieves differently. Even if several people are grieving one person, they will all experience that grief differently. Grief is as individual as the relationship you had with that person.

People often get concerned by the comments of well-meaning people:

• You should be better by now

• It takes 2 years

• You aren’t going through the stages (and in their book you should)

• You should be out and about mixing with people

The comments go on. Few of them helpful.

Here is the truth:

• There is no right or wrong in grief

• Yes, it is possible to get stuck in the grief journey and yes if that happens you do need to see a counsellor

• You will grieve differently to other people

• There are no “stages” to grief

• Grief doesn’t just turn off, like a switch. It is a lifelong experience.

• You will find that people don’t want to hear about your pain, so you will learn to bottle it up.

It is hardest to grieve for someone when the people around you didn’t know that person. You have no one to share the memories of that person with. That is hard.

One thing that is helpful is if you can find good friends who are prepared to support and listen to you. If you can’t find good friends to support you, you may find it helpful to see a counsellor who is experienced in grief. I often see people who just need help getting through that initial period. They find it helpful to understand what is happening and to be able to talk openly about what is happening and start to make sense of it. Other people come to see me after more time has elapsed.

If you are wondering whether your grief has gone on too long, it is generally considered that if you have been bereaved for 6-12 months and are not making steady (but gradual) progress towards feeling more able to live your life and making sense of what is happening then you may be experiencing prolonged grief and would benefit from seeing a counsellor.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

3 ways to avoid buying too much at Christmas

We are at that time of the year when we think of Christmas.

Christmas is a time of year that brings up many emotions. It can be difficult emotionally. Issues that you can ignore at other times of the year often surface at Christmas time.

Additionally, if you have people to give presents to, there is the purchasing of presents to complete.

If you eat at home, or go somewhere and take food with you, then there is the purchasing of food items.

Everywhere you go there are amazing displays and temptations to buy. Whether it is amazing gifts or tempting food items, there is always the call to spend.

This happens in person and online.

Of course in the middle of this there are also the calls to buy things for yourself.

It is very easy to go online and click, click, click or go into a shop and fill your trolley or arms with gifts.

Neurologically we notice what is novel or different. This is a mechanism to keep us safe. It ensure we notice the things that are different in case those things are dangerous. This feature of our brains trips us up when shopping as we are more likely to notice what is different and novel and be tempted to buy it.

All this push to spend is made worse when old traumas surface as Christmas approaches. Many people find buying things to be very comforting. It is a form of addiction and addiction exists to soothe and calm. This belief is bolstered by advertising that sends the message that happiness is found in buying. Unless you want a houseful of novel items or fantastic specials on household goods (and there is no limit to the number of sheets and towels you can buy, right?) then this buying is unhelpful.

What can you do?

Use Mindfulness as an ally and helpful tool:

• Recognise the pain of past hurts and trauma. Use a simple soothing meditation to assist you in calming the hurt part of you. In my next Thursday blog I will include a simple meditation. If it is difficult to manage the pain then see a trauma informed counsellor.

• Set an intention to only buy what fits within your budget and list.

• Set a budget of how much you will spend on each person and be strict with it.

• Write a list of what you want to buy and stick to it.

When you find yourself looking at an item and wanting to buy it, ask yourself these questions:

Do I really need this item? Is my brain hooked on its novelty or the advertising campaign around it?
Is my desire to buy this item a deep need that wants my attention. This is where you can check in with yourself and ask what desire you have that you think buying this item will fulfil. Are you seeking love, connection, acceptance or to fill a childhood need? If you answer yes to any of this, stop and acknowledge the need and offer your wounded part compassion and understanding. Reassure that part it does not need that item anymore.
Now ask yourself what will happen if you buy the item. Will you need to take money out of your present budget, which means someone else will miss out on a present? Will you instead spend money you have been saving for something else? Will you use the item and what will you use it for? Is this item good value for money? The question list is endless.

Whatever you decide, you need to be happy with your decisions.

It is also helpful to get help from a counsellor who is trained in trauma therapy and understands the issues around the pain of past hurts and traumas. I have training in trauma therapy and understand the pain.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your hurts and trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Is my grief normal?

Many people come to see me because they are concerned they are not grieving properly. Many are told by family and friends that they should be over the grief by now and worry that their family and friends are right.

So what is considered “normal”?

It is normal to grieve a loss.

Grief is the emotional suffering you feel when someone or something you love is taken away. That pain can be overwhelming.

The emotional pain you experience can be mixed and not what you might expect to feel.

You may feel shock, anger, disbelief, relief, guilt, devastated, extremely sad, numbness, denial, despair, anxiety, loneliness, depression, helplessness and yearning.

You may feel overwhelming feelings and thoughts as well as physical sensations and behaviours you don’t normally experience.

Your progression through grief may not look like someone else’s progression through grief. But that doesn’t mean your grief experience is wrong, or that someone else’s grief experience is wrong. There are many different ways to grieve.

Basically, when you are grieving you will come to a point where you can:

• Accept the reality of your loss

• Allow yourself to experience the pain of your loss

• Adjust to the new reality in which who or what you have lost is no longer present

• Allow yourself to have other relationships.

All these things will take different amounts of time for different people and will be experienced at different intensities by different people.

You will reach a point when you find yourself interested in life again and are able to think of the one you love without a more manageable pain.

Sometimes the act of grieving becomes stuck and the person is known as suffering from prolonged grief, sometimes also known as complicated or persistent grief.

The definition of prolonged grief is that is must be at least 6-12 months after the loss of a loved one and be longer than the expectation of the society and culture to which the person belongs.

Such a person will still have a persistent longing for and preoccupation with the lost loved one that has not diminished with time. This longing will be accompanied by intense unrelenting emotional pain and will significantly impair the person’s daily function.

It is considered the person will have certain areas where they are emotionally stuck. These include:

• Sadness

• Guilt

• Anger

• Denial

• Difficulty accepting the death

• Feeling one has lost part of one’s emotional self,

• Emotional numbness, difficulty engaging with social or other activities

The person may not feel they have moved forward at all. They may feel stuck in the same pain they experienced immediately after the loss of their loved one.

This person may be unable to shake the sadness of their experience. They may be caught up in wishful thinking (If only …). They may still think and dream incessantly of the person who has died. They feel great pain related to the loss of their loved one.

They may find life is without meaning and find themselves unsure of where they fit into life anymore. They may even wish they had died with their loved one.

If you are concerned you, or someone you care about, is suffering prolonged grief then it is important to see a grief counsellor in order to work through those stuck points and release them.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Ambiguous Loss – how do you work with it?

There are many losses in life that are frequently overlooked as losses.

One is having a child with an intellectual disability. The loss of anticipated outcomes for that child is frequently unnoticed or unacknowledged. The same applies if someone you love suffers from an acquired brain injury, or a much loved parent gets dementia. In those situations you are grieving the loss of the person while they are still there.

This is an ambiguous loss.

Another ambiguous loss is when a loved one goes missing. You don’t know where they are or, in some cases, if they are alive. You may know your loved one is dead but no body has been found. You may wonder if they are alive or whether you should grieve their death. Again the loss is ambiguous.

When someone you love is a drug addict, or suffers from a severe mental illness, you can also experience ambiguous loss.

Ambiguous loss is often described as occurring when the person is physically present but psychologically absent, or physically absent but psychologically present.

The trouble with ambiguous loss is that people put their lives on hold as a result of the loss. If your parent with dementia dies, then you have a funeral and can say goodbye. But if the body of your parent is still there, but the personality that made them who they were is gone then you have suffered a loss of that parent. You can’t grieve them, because they are still there, but you suffer grief because they are not your parent anymore.

The same thing happens when someone you love is missing. They are not there, but you don’t know what has happened to them. They may eventually re-enter your life. You don’t know. So you can’t mourn.

This situation makes ambiguous loss traumatic. There is no resolution of this loss, no way to end it. If someone dies you have a funeral and you learn to move forward. With ambiguous loss there is no moving forward. That person is always in your life, either physically in the case of the parent with dementia, or psychologically in the case of the missing person.

Grief never stops when it is ambiguous. The torture of the person’s condition goes on day after day. You have lost the person you know but they are still there. Or the person you know is lost but still there in your mind because you don’t know where they are.

Research on the experiences of people whose loved one is physically present, but psychologically absent report feeling stressed, that life is chaotic and very confused. They feel sad, angry, frightened and can experience guilt and feelings of powerlessness. They are also likely to report feeling anxious about the future. Not surprisingly they will also report feeling physically depleted. Many report feeling that they are in a living nightmare that doesn’t stop. They reach out to friends for support. Initially that support is present, but over time friends drift away as they tire of providing support for an ongoing crisis that never ends. This results in the person often feeling unsupported and isolated.

Unfortunately, that person is very likely to be diagnosed as depressed, rather than suffering an ambiguous loss.

When someone is physically absent but psychologically present it is difficult for families to move on. Even when the evidence suggests the person is dead, without a body there is still a possibility they are alive. It is also difficult in that there are many unanswered questions about how the person has died. There is no sense of being able to make sense of a death where the circumstances surrounding the death and manner of death are never answered.

Part of the process of Grief is making meaning in the loved one’s death. How do you do that when you don’t know if they are dead? And if it is likely they died, you don’t know what happened. Eventually the grieving family members come to the conclusion their loved one is dead and they will never see their body. Then they have to construct their own meaning and truth around the death. The trouble with ambiguity is that a person’s grief process and cognition become frozen by the uncertainty and the processes that are needed to construct this meaning are blocked.

It is worth noting that this type of ambiguous loss occurs when a loved one has been kidnapped, or when people have been involved in a traumatic war or genocide event such as has happened in Syria, Rwanda, Cambodia and the Holocaust. It also happens when a loved one dies overseas and the body is never returned home. This was particularly common after the World Wars when the loved one was buried overseas, or was listed as missing. Another cause of ambiguous loss is where a family member is caught up in a religious cult, or caught up in a coercive control relationship where contact with the family is lost.

It is important to remember that your feelings are valid. You are grieving. Grief is normal. For you, grieving an ambiguous loss is more difficult than a more usual type of loss. There is no certainty, whether the one you love is missing or whether they are dying day by day from dementia. There is no death certificate, no funeral or memorial service. There is often nothing tangible to grieve. What you have lost and continue to lose every day is something other people cannot see.

Did you know that research has shown people suffering ambiguous loss feel incompetent, guilty and uncertain? That their sense of certainty in this world and their ability to cope with it is shattered. That it is common to feel helpless and confused?

One of the hardest, but most important tasks, of ambiguous loss is to work to change what you can and accept what you cannot. One of the hardest things to do is learn to be at peace with not knowing all the answers.

It is hard to deal with ambiguous loss on your own. This is where a grief trained counsellor is helpful.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your ambiguous grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Childhood Trauma is also …

A lot of people I see do not recognise their childhood experience as traumatic.

It is not surprising. We as a society recognise physical or sexual abuse as traumatic. We may sometimes recognise aspects of verbal abuse as traumatic. But we miss many traumas that occur to children.

For the child growing up with trauma, their life seems normal. That child does not necessarily know that what happens in their family is different to what happens in other families. That awareness may not happen until adulthood, if at all.

So what else is Childhood Trauma?

• Being seen and not heard.

• A parent/parent figure denying your reality.

• Being told directly or indirectly that you can’t or shouldn’t experience certain emotions.

• Having a parent/parent figure who cannot regulate their emotions.
o This could be a parent who explodes into anger without warning
o Or it could be a parent who gets agitated and blames those around them, including you, for what is happening or calling you useless, incompetent, a troublemaker and so on.

• Having a parent/parent figure who is focused on their appearance.

• Having a narcissistic parent.

• Having a parent/parent figure who has no boundaries or has poor ones.

• Having a parent/parent figure that swears at you, insults you, puts you down, humiliates or acts in a way that makes you afraid that you might be physically hurt.

• Having a parent/parent figure that pushes, grabs, slaps or throws something at you, or hits you so hard they leave a mark.

• Being chased by an angry parent intent on punishing you and you are scared.

• Feeling that no one in your family loves you or thinks you were important or special.

• No one in your family looks out for each other, feels close to each other or supports each other.

• You don’t have enough to eat, have to wear dirty clothes, your parents are too drunk/high and can’t take care of you.

• Your parents are separated or divorced.

• Witnessing a parent being pushed, grabbed, slapped or having something thrown at them. Or being hit, kicked, bitten or threated with a gun or knife.

• There is someone in the house who is a problem drinker or drug taker.

• There is someone in the house who is depressed, mentally ill or attempted suicide.

• Someone in the family is in prison.

• Being bullied at school and/or at home.

• Having a parent/parent figure who is not attuned to you. (Doesn’t understand when you are sad, or upset, or even happy).

• Being told you are stupid, useless and other put downs.

• Not having anyone comfort you when you are upset or frightened.

The list goes on. The truth is, more people have been traumatised in childhood than haven’t. Some people manage to recover from this and learn skills to help them cope with the world as adults. Other people find coping with life difficult because of the many situations that trigger fear and because of the difficulty they had learning the skills to help them cope with the world as adults.

It is really important to be able to acknowledge that trauma and not feel ashamed of it. It is not your fault if those things happened to you.

It is also important to understand that, with the correct care, you can recover from that trauma.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your childhood trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

What is the normal way to grieve?

Today I am going to revisit what Grief actually is, what is commonly experienced and when you might need to worry that you need extra help.

Most people think Grief is about crying – a lot. This crying is commonly believed to be worst at the funeral and then the funeral is over, you go home and get on with life. So many people tell me they have had friends and family tell them that the funeral is over so it is time to “get over it”.

If that was all grief was, we maybe would cope better, but it is far more than that.

Grief is total emotional, physical and mental chaos. The emotions are many and varied, ranging from total devastation, through guilt, fear, anger and many more.

If you lose something/someone that matters to you then you will grieve. It is normal to do that.

Grief will affect you totally, in every aspect of your self and your life. Your thoughts, behaviours, belief, feelings, even your health are affected by grief.

In addition, the way you relate to others and your world is also changed.

Grief is a normal part of life and many people will cope with grief without requiring outside help. They will find they have plenty of friends and family who will support them. They will be able to continue through life able to cope with the disruption of grief.

Not all people will experience that. They will experience feelings that are intense and persistent. Some may be so overwhelmed they require specialised help.

These different experiences are all perfectly normal.

What might you expect to experience as a result of Grief?

There is a meditation I do when I run groups for all ages. It involves walking through a forest. All the leaves on the trees are turning into autumn colours. But in this forest, it is not just the yellows, oranges, reds and browns. There are also pinks, purples, blues, greens – any colour that exists. As you walk through this forest your feet crunch the leaves on the ground. In the air around you leaves are falling off the trees and floating past you to the ground. Every so often you catch a leaf. These leaves have words written on them. Words that express your grief experience today.

After the meditation I ask people what the leaves had written on them. The answers are many and varied.

Some of the feelings people see on their leaves are: sadness, anger, anxiety, disbelief, panic, relief, irritability, numbness, hopelessness, devastation, confusion, fear, loneliness. There are many more. People experience a wide range of feelings, and they vary from day to day.

Many people also feel very lost after a grief. They find it hard to focus, to concentrate. Making decisions feels like a herculean task. They cannot find the clarity to decide anything. Many feel stuck in a deep, dark hole with no perceivable way out. Many tell me they feel they are going mad.

Many people report difficulty in sleeping. Other complain of headaches, nausea, aches and pains. Others just say they have no energy left.

Some of these physical symptoms are actually caused by the changes that occur in your brain during the first months of grief. Pathways in your brain change in response to the loss you have experienced. These changes take time and require a lot of energy and focus from the brain. This work of the brain can cause pain as well.

Another source of the physical pain is your feelings. Feelings are expressed in the body and can be experienced as pain, particularly when the feelings are around grief.

The important thing to remember is that grief is very individual. You will grieve in a different way to the next person. Some aspects of the grief will be similar, but there will also be aspects that are totally different.

Some people will be very open about what they are experiencing, other people will keep their feelings to themselves.

Culture, belief systems and gender have an impact on how people grieve. Your previous grief experiences will also influence how you grieve.

It is important to remember that grief never ends. There will always be some pain. In time it will become less, but it will never totally go away. The grief will become part of you as you move on through life. You will be changed by that grief.

Grief is about learning to accept the loss of that important person. It is about learning to live with the changes that have occurred to you and your life. The you that emerges from the experience of loss will be a different person to the one that existed before. You will need to learn also to trust again. Trust the world, trust the lives of other people you love, even trust other people.

Many people want to know when this pain will end, or at least become less. The answer is that there is no time limit to grief. Most people find after a few years they are feelings better able to cope, but there are those who still struggle for longer than that.

It is important during this period to look after yourself and make sure you set aside time to attend to your needs. This is particularly important if you are caring for others, such as children. Don’t become so immersed in their needs that you neglect your own. You are more use to your children if you are coping than if you are not.

It is important to put off making major decisions, such as moving house and giving away belongings, for several months until you feel better able to make decisions you may regret later.

You may wish to journal your experiences, if you can focus enough to do that. Many people tell me they found the journaling experience really helpful.

You may like to create a memorial – some people plant a special plant, install a seat, build a pond in their backyard. Creating a memorial gives you somewhere to visit to honour your loved one.

Other people develop rituals that they find helpful. One particularly popular one is to listen to the music your loved one loved.

Being able to express thoughts and feelings is really important. This doesn’t mean you have to express them to another person, you may prefer to journal them, write a letter, put together a photo album, draw. Never overlook the obvious one of allowing yourself to cry.

Other people find they are very restless and find exercising to be really helpful. Combining this with a reflective setting, such as walking on the beach, cycling along a bush track and sitting on a seat to meditate, can be helpful.

Those who have religious beliefs and practices find these observances helpful.

Other people seek out grief support groups, read books, anything that can help them compare their experience with others.

Be sure to take time out for rest and special care, such as a massage, meditation, retreat.

If sleep is a problem exercise, restricting alcohol and caffeine intake coupled with a good sleep routine can be helpful.

You may find it helpful to talk to a counsellor to find support and explore other ways you can process your grief and manage with life.

Don’t be frightened to seek help if you need it.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The spiral of healing

I have had many clients over the years who struggle with healing. They find themselves being triggered again and again and find themselves back in that pain and anger place. They feel frustrated at the seeming lack of healing.

But healing is not a straightforward “magic wand” action. It is not a direct process. It doesn’t involve steps that continue in a straight line, it takes twists and turns.

When I worked as a registered nurse, I worked with people on the healing journey of physical injury. Their healing rarely progressed in a straight line. It was more like a spiral. And their healing hurt.

If physical healing is convoluted and painful, why do we expect emotional healing to be straightforward and painless?

If we liken emotional healing to a spiral, it makes a lot more sense. Healing does loop around. Some days you may feel on top of the world. You are free of the pain and functioning well. Other days you seem mired in the pain and dysfunction you are seeking to escape.

Experiencing those difficult days is not a failure or backstep. It is actually an opportunity for you to heal further. If you explore those difficult times, you often find insights you had not seen before. This allows you to recognise and heal sources of pain. You may also encounter a familiar pain you have struggled to heal in the past. But this time, you are further on the healing journey and able to process and heal that pain.

Those days are also an opportunity to practise the new skills you have learned and to discover that you are able to cope much better with these old hurts. In fact being able to attend to them in a new and healthier way is amazingly liberating.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your healing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

What is normal grief?

I see a lot of people who are worried they are not grieving “properly”. Sometimes they have been told by someone else that they are grieving for too long. Other times they see how other people appear to be coping with their grief and feel they are not grieving that way so are not grieving properly.

Grief researcher and theorist William Worden defined complicated grief as “the intensification of grief to the level where the person is overwhelmed, resorts to maladaptive behaviour, or remains interminably in a state of grief without progression of the mourning process to completion.”

He identified what he considered were 4 particular “tasks” of grieving.

These are:

Accepting the reality of the loss
Working through the pain of grief
Adjusting to the environment in which the deceased is missing
Emotionally relocating the deceased and moving on with life.

This is not a perfect definition or description of grief, but it covers a lot of what happens in grief.

According to Worden, if one of the above tasks was not able to be navigated successfully, then grief would become complicated. It would either be

• prolonged. This is where the person is aware their grief is not resolving many months or years after the loss event

• delayed. This is where the person’s emotions are not able to be expressed. This can happen even if they had an emotional response at the time of the loss.

• Exaggerated. The grief is so severe that the person suffers from excessive anxiety, depression or anger and this impairs their normal functioning.

• Somatic (body) or behavioural symptoms. Often the person is not aware these symptoms are caused by unresolved grief.

Another theorist, Therese Rando, defines complicated grief as “given the amount of time since the death, there is some compromise, distortion, or failure of one or more of the processes of mourning”.

She identified 6 tasks of grieving. They are:

Recognise the loss
React to the separation
Recollect and re-experience the deceased and the relationship
Relinquish old attachments to the deceased and to the old world.
Readjust to the new world without forgetting the old.
Reinvest energy in the present life.

She noted a number of risk factors for complicated grief:

• Sudden or unexpected death.

• Death from a lengthy illness

• A perception the death was preventable.

• The relationship with the deceased was an angry, ambivalent or dependent one.

• Unresolved grief from other losses

• Loss of a child

• A lack of social support

Grief theorists agree that the “goal” of grieving is creating a new relationship with your loved one that includes them in your continuing life.

If you are grieving “normally” you will experience distressing moods and turbulent thoughts but you will be able to tolerate them and return to some sort of equilibrium. If you are experiencing complicated grief the moods and thoughts will be extreme and will impair functioning to the point where you cannot achieve equilibrium. Of course, this does not apply if you experience this in the first weeks and months after being bereaved.

Two other theorists (Stroebe and Schut) more recently proposed a model where the bereaved person alternates between coping with the loss and making changes in their life to adapt to that loss. That is often described as “loss orientation” and “restoration orientation”. If those processes are out of balance then grief will become complicated.

More recently, it has become standard to describe the final task of mourning as that of seeking meaning in the loss. I see that as being an aspect of finding a way to move on with life.

Things have become complicated by the inclusion in the DSM (a diagnostic standards manual that describes “psychological disorders”) of complicated grief. It is described as depression. There is the suggestion it could be present as early as a month after the death of the loved one. In my experience, and that of most grief practitioners and researchers, that is too soon to be pathologising a person’s grief.

The 7 things the DSM considers are symptoms of complicated grief are:

Unbidden memories or intrusive fantasies related to the lost relationship
Strong spells or pangs of severe emotion related to the lost relationship
Distressingly strong yearnings or wishes that the deceased were there
Feelings of being far too much alone or personally empty
Excessively staying away from people, places or activities that remind the subject of the deceased
Unusual levels of sleep interference
Loss of interest in work, social, caretaking, or recreational activities to a maladaptive degree.

These symptoms are experiences of normal grief. The use of the word maladaptive is open to interpretation.

This perception of normal grief experiences as pathological and problematic have meant many people are being pressured to move on quickly from their grief or feel there is something wrong with them if they experience normal grief.

This is where I often work with people to help them see their experience as normal, not pathological, and enable them to move forward with life.

It is okay to remember things frequently. Your life is full of so many things that trigger memories that it would be more worrying if you did not remember things.

As for fantasies about the now lost relationship. Fantasy if a common coping mechanism. As long as you are aware it is a fantasy.

Strong emotions are quite normal as well. Neuroscientists have found that neurological connections to a loved one have to break down and new pathways have to be created. This takes time, commonly considered to be about three months or longer. There are many symptoms of this process including pain, extreme tiredness, confusion, memories that pop up, volatile emotions and so on. You may also find it hard to concentrate. Being with people may also be very tiring and hard to do. The result may be that you spend a lot of time alone and avoiding people. Sleep will definitely be disturbed, as will your general level of interest in life.

So if you experience these things talk to a specialised grief and loss counsellor. You can be reassured of this.

One last thing to mention. Many people report changes in appetite. That is okay. If you are not hungry and don’t eat, and you notice you are losing weight, then it is a good idea to see a counsellor and your doctor. It may be that for a short while you may need to ensure the food you eat is more nutritious to compensate for the lack of food. Similarly, you may find you are excessively eating and putting on weight. If it bothers you, then seek help. If you suffer from Diabetes then your eating patterns may cause problems with your health and it is advisable to consult your doctor about this.

Grief is hard and there are many ideas about what “normal” looks like. Of course we all know that is a setting on many appliances but doesn’t exist in life. If you are ever not sure, it is a good idea to see a grief counsellor.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

7 aspects of trust

Brené Brown has researched trust extensively. If you have not heard of her, try googling her. She has written many helpful and inspirational books.

She speaks of trust being like a marble jar. When you share the hard times and the bad things that have happened to you and your friends listen, empathise and maintain confidentiality then marbles go in your jar. You know you can trust these friends.

When your friend lets you share her seat when there is nowhere to sit, that is another marble earned. She has looked out for you and that makes her trustworthy.

When your friend remembers something about your life that is important, that is another marble earned. Caring enough to remember things about you is trustworthy.

When you friend is willing to stop what they are doing to help you, that is another marble earned. They consider you important enough to put you first when you need that help.

When you have a hard time, maybe you have an appointment that you are worried about, or you are going to the funeral of a loved one. The friend who messages you that they are thinking of you and asks if you are okay, they have earned a marble.

The surprising one is when the friend needs help and trusts you enough to ask for help.

Trust is formed in the little things in life. The friend who says hello when you walk past each other on the street. The friends who looks at you and thinks you look sad so stops to check in with you. The friend who takes the time to connect with you. Even if that connection is just a quick smile to say I see you. Maybe a quick “I’m really busy right now, can I call you later?” Anything that says “I see you and you matter”.

The definition of trust is sometimes surprising. It is that we choose to make ourselves vulnerable to another person by sharing something important to us.

The flip side of this is distrust, where you share something important with another person and what you shared is not safe with that person. They are quite likely to share it with others, maybe in a salacious way.

One of Brené’s most popular books is “Braving the Wilderness”.

In it she explains the acronym BRAVING.

It is an amazing reminder of trust. It is really helpful when you have never learned how to trust.

Here it is:

B: boundaries. I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and mine and hold and respect them.

R: reliable. I can only trust you if you do what you say you are going to do consistently over and over again. Once is not enough to prove your reliability.

A: accountability. I can only trust you if you are willing to own the mistakes your make, apologise and make amends. I can only own my mistakes if you do the same for me.

V: vault. The things I share with you, you keep in confidence and I will do the same. I expect you not to gossip about others because in gossiping you are showing me that you do not respect the confidences you have no right to share. If you respect confidentiality then I can trust you. People who share bad stories about others form a counterfeit trust and both are likely to breach confidences about each other.

I: integrity. If you act with integrity and encourage me to do the same then I can trust you. You have chosen courage over comfort. You have chosen right over the fun, fast and easy. You speak your values and practise them as well.

N: non judgement. If you don’t judge me, especially when I have fallen apart then I can trust you. If you ask for help and receive it then our relationship is one of trust. If you set a value on needing help, or think less of yourself for needing help then I am judging others who need help. It is essential in a trusting relationship that both parties help each other out.

G: generosity. If you assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions and behaviours and check in with me. Then I can trust you. What I mean is that if I was having a bad day because it was my deceased mother’s birthday and you didn’t ring to check up on me I will speak to you and say I would have appreciated a call. Not saying this in a judgemental way, but speaking honestly and on judgementally about my needs. If you do the same to me I will listen with the same generosity and accept your voicing of your need as an expression of what you need, not a judgement. Always ask for what you need, don’t assume the other person will magically know what you want.

Many people struggle with self trust. You can apply these steps to yourself as well. If you aim to trust yourself then you are choosing to treat yourself with love and respect.

If your marble jar is not full then you cannot count on yourself to be trustworthy to others. You cannot ask people to ask what you cannot give. Trust is a mutual thing.

It takes a lot of courage to trust yourself. It takes a lot of courage to trust others. The first step is acknowledging you are worthy of receiving trust. Then follow the BRAVING steps for trusting yourself. Finally apply those steps to other people. If that person fails the BRAVING test, chalk it up to experience, acknowledge and allow your hurt, show self compassion in soothing the hurt, and move on to the next person.

Grief isn’t just for death

Most of my blogs are about the pain of losing someone you love. But grief isn’t just about someone you love dying.

It is also about:

• Romantic relationships that have ended

• Friendships that have ended

• Losing your job

• Losing your house

• Losing your car

• Losing a much loved pet

• Losing part of your body, being disfigured and losing your looks

• Losing your reproductive capacity

• Losing your community through moving away, migrating to another country, being a refugee, having your location destroyed by natural disaster

• Missing the certainty you once had

• Questioning your judgement

• Releasing who you once were

• Feeling lost and unanchored

• Losing traditions you loved

The list is endless.

Every one of these things has capacity to impact you in the same way the loss of someone who has died impacts you.

Everything you lose is an adjustment.

Everything you lose changes your sense of security in the world.

Everything you lose causes you to feel anxious and worried and very, very sad.

So be kind to yourself and take your loss and your reaction to it seriously.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your loss, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au